A/N: A huge thanks to all the lovely ladies at Twitter - you know who you are - who helped me with my 'ice-cream dilemma'. *lol* Also, thanks to all of you who left me a review for the last chapter!
Some people have asked me if I have any personal experience with abuse or if I'm working as a therapist or counselor. The answer is no. I'm just making this up as I go, relying on my imagination.
OoO
EPOV
As soon as the words had left my mouth, I froze. Not because I wanted to take them back, but it shook me to the very core that I was able to say them in the first place. And what surprised me the most was the fact that there was nothing forced about those four little words I had just uttered - it felt completely natural.
I could hear Bella's sharp intake of air, but to my relief, her only response was to hug me tighter. We sat like that for a while, until the silence was starting to bother me. In a way it felt good - not having to speak, just reveling in the feeling of Bella's arms around me - but at the same time, there was nothing to distract me from my troubled thoughts.
And eventually I reached the point where it just became too much.
"Ice-cream!" I suddenly blurted out, pulling back a little. Bella blinked in surprise, looking at me like I had just grown a second head. I cleared my throat, feeling pretty stupid. "I mean, you wanted ice-cream, right? Me too. I'll just go get some, I'll be right back," I babbled, reluctantly releasing her and getting to my feet.
A part of me wanted her to stop me, another part prayed that she wouldn't.
She frowned, but rose as well. "Edward, are you-"
I cut her off by placing a soft peck on her lips. It would never cease to amaze me how good that felt. "I'm okay, I just need..." I hesitated, because I honestly didn't think I could explain what it was I needed - I wasn't completely sure myself.
Numerous thoughts and images were flying through my head. I didn't want to think about what Bella had told me about James and myself, mostly because the mere idea of acknowledging the fact that she might be right scared me half to death. But deep down, I also knew I had avoided thinking for too long. And now it was all threatening to hit me at once.
By some miracle, Bella seemed to understand, because her face softened and she nodded, although she still appeared to be somewhat confused. "Ice-cream would be good," she agreed, quietly. "I'll just wait here."
I found it a bit strange how eager I had been to get out of the room, because the moment I stepped through the door and out in the hallway, I missed her, so much I almost turned back. But I forced myself to head downstairs, knowing Bella would still be there when I returned.
It almost frightened me, how dependent I had become of her - I needed Bella in my life like I needed air in my lungs to breathe. And I still had a hard time to take in the fact that every time I would open my arms, she was right there. Except that next weekend, for at least a couple of days, she wouldn't be. I quickly pushed the thought to the back of my mind.
I didn't really want any ice-cream, but it was the only thing I had been able to come up with. Of course, I wouldn't fool myself into thinking our conversation was over, but I desperately needed a break.
Unfortunately, my mind was still racing. I had just told Bella I loved her. Or more like whispered, but still, the words didn't throw me into a fit of panic. If anything, I wanted to tell her again, and this time, I wanted to look her in the eyes, see the reaction on her face.
Did that mean there was hope for me after all? That maybe I wasn't completely fucked up? I honestly didn't know what to think.
I found Emmett in the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards. On the counter next to him was already enough junk food to feed an army. And he was still looking for more? I shook my head in disbelief. "Seriously, how much can you eat?" I asked incredulously as I walked over to the freezer and pulled out an almost full carton of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice-cream.
Jumping slightly - he had obviously not heard me enter the room - Emmett spun around, an almost guilty look on his face. However, his expression changed as he watched me hesitate for a moment and then pick up a pint of Rocky Road as well. "You're one to talk," he muttered, nodding pointedly towards the ice-cream.
I automatically opened my mouth to throw some kind of insult at him, but then realized he had a point. Not to mention that I felt a bit bad for snapping at him before, when he had obviously just meant to check on me. So I just shrugged, desperately trying to come up with something nice to say instead. But I came up blank. The thought of simply apologizing didn't cross my mind.
He looked annoyed - not that I could blame him - grabbed his things and strode across the room, clearly intending to leave. I should've just let him go, but my brain suddenly kicked into gear and I spoke up, "So, um, Bella liked the cookies."
Emmett stopped, looking cautiously at me over his shoulder. "Yeah? That's... good."
I nodded in agreement, although I was cringing on the inside, wondering why I always felt so awkward talking to him. Clearing my throat, I went on, "Anyway, thanks for giving me a ride to the store. Can't remember if I actually told you that before." As soon as I had said it, I was instantly reminded of the humiliating episode in the car. "Fuck this, I'm out of here," I muttered, heading for the door.
However, the sound of Emmett's dry chuckle made me freeze in my tracks. I turned to give him a questioning look. He was shaking his head, watching me with what could only be described as frustration. "Man, you must be bipolar or something. Really, I'm not trying to offend you, but it's fucking exhausting to try to keep up with you and your mood swings."
My eyes narrowed, but I remained silent. Despite his words, there was nothing cruel or hostile in his voice, he just appeared to be at a complete loss. Again, I didn't blame him. "Told you I'm an ass," I finally managed to get out. Normally I would've stormed out of the room, before or after saying something I would come to regret later. But right now, I didn't seem to have it in me.
He watched me for a moment, then let out a sigh. "Only when you're trying to be," he mumbled. A beat. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're trying too hard?"
I rolled my eyes, feeling slightly insulted, but knew I had it coming. "I'm working on it," I muttered. He gave me a skeptical look, but nodded.
For a minute or so, neither of us said anything, and I was just about to leave the room when Emmett suddenly spoke up again, "So, what did you break before?"
I grimaced, really not wanting to have this conversation, but aside from just telling him to mind his own fucking business, I didn't know how to get out of it. So I sighed. "A plate."
"Huh." He nodded in understanding. "Which one?"
My brows went up and I stared at him in disbelief. "What fucking difference does it make?"
Emmett shrugged. "Just thought it might be one of those ugly things Alice gave Dad last Christmas. You know, the ones that had pink cats on them? I've been meaning to break them myself and make it look like an accident, so if you did, good for you!" I just looked at him, trying to figure out if he was serious. He went on, sounding hopeful, "If you didn't, well, maybe you could consider it for the next time?"
I snorted, then couldn't help but chuckle. "Yeah, sure, I'll see what I can do."
He got a pleased look on his face, and for a moment I wondered what the fuck had gotten into me. Was I actually joking about my fucking temper tantrums? And with Emmett of all people? I shook my head, deciding that some part of my brain must have stopped functioning after telling Bella I loved her.
Bella, who was up in my room right now, waiting for me to come back. I instantly sobered up. It wasn't until I re-entered my room and watched Bella's face light up that I realized Emmett had - unintentionally, but still - given me the distraction I so desperately needed, at least for the moment.
As soon as I handed it to her, Bella started digging into the ice-cream with delight, and I watched her eating in silence, contemplating whether or not I should say anything. I felt emotionally drained, but then again, it was a feeling I had become quite familiar with lately. She would glance at me every once in a while, sometimes smiling, other times looking concerned.
I was grateful that she obviously wouldn't push me into a conversation, but at the same time, I seemed to find it easier to talk about the heavy stuff when she was the one initiating it. Of course, I didn't really feel like continuing our discussion from before, but I knew we weren't finished. And I wanted to get it over with, once and for all.
So I took a deep breath. "Bella, about before..."
She immediately looked up, placing her hand on my arm. "Edward, we don't have to do this now. We can just..." Then she paled. "Wait, is this about... what you said to me? That you..." She swallowed. "You didn't mean it?" All of a sudden, she looked absolutely crestfallen, and I mentally cursed myself for putting that miserable look on her face.
"Bella, no." I felt an almost desperate need to assure her that I hadn't been dishonest with her. "I don't regret what I said, please don't think that I do. I wasn't lying."
Bella shook her head, her expression still sad. "I know, baby, I'm not saying you were. I'm just being paranoid, I guess." She blushed. "It's stupid. I started thinking after you left, and I got scared. I thought maybe you spoke too soon, in the heat of the moment, you know? I was afraid you'd... take it back." The last part came out as a whisper, and she lowered her eyes.
I suddenly realized what it must have looked like - me all but rushing out of the room, shortly after telling her the words she had probably never expected to hear from me, at least not tonight. I hadn't given Bella's feelings a second's thought. Now I recalled Carlisle insisting that I needed to start thinking before I acted, and it pained me to admit he was right.
It was just so fucking hard to remember, seeing how I had never cared before.
"I'm still not used to this," I told her now, praying Bella would understand, because she was always so understanding, always seemed to know me better than I knew myself. "I've never felt this way before, the way I feel when I'm with you. Or when I'm not with you, for that matter, fuck, it makes me feel like a part of myself is missing." The words were just coming, and I couldn't stop them.
In all honesty, I wasn't sure I should stop - I needed her to hear this, even though my messed up thoughts probably wouldn't make much sense to her.
"I know I said I didn't think I could love," I went on, quickly so she wouldn't get a chance to stop me, because I feared that if I wouldn't tell her this now, I'd never find the courage again. "But when I'm around you, everything just feels... right, you know? Like I finally..." I let out a frustrated sigh when I couldn't find the right words to explain.
Bella had been watching me with large eyes, and it bothered me that I had no way of knowing what was going on inside her head. Did she believe me? Did she even get what I was trying to tell her? Or did she just think I was crazy? Well, if that was the case, I decided I couldn't blame her.
"Edward..." she started tentatively, but I raised my hand to stop her. She pressed her lips together, watching me somewhat warily, yet expectantly.
"Half of the times, I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing," I admitted, placing my palm against her cheek and watched how her eyes closed. "But you make me want to try, anyway. Try to change, to be better. For you."
Bella's eyes snapped open. "Edward, no, that's not what I want. I don't want you to change for me, I love you just the way you are."
"I know you do." I frowned, because up until that moment, I hadn't fully believed it. Or maybe I had, on some level - I just didn't dare to hope it was real. But now, as I found myself looking into Bella's eyes, I could no longer doubt her feelings for me. Or my feelings for her, for that matter.
Her face lit up at my words, and her hopeful expression made me feel all warm inside. I went on, quietly, "And that's why I want to try even harder. I know I'm..." I managed to stop myself before the words 'fucked up' had left my mouth, "...that I have issues," I finished instead, knowing by the look on her face that she had seen through my almost-slip. "But I want to work on getting past them."
She stared at me in astonishment. "Really?"
I felt a huge lump in my throat when I saw the pure hope shining in her eyes, and nodded. "I just wanna be fucking normal," I croaked, horrified when my voice cracked.
Bella gave me a sad smile, leaning forward so I could wrap my arms around her, and happily snuggled into my embrace. I would never understand how she always seemed to know just what it was I needed. We just sat like that - holding each other - for almost half an hour, until I noticed how she tried to stifle a yawn. I pulled back a little, unable to keep from smiling when she immediately moaned in protest.
"You're tired," I murmured, stroking her hair. Bella stubbornly shook her head, just clinging to me tighter. I chuckled. "Well, okay, but I am. It's been a long day. Why don't we just..." I stopped myself abruptly as I realized we had never actually discussed sleeping arrangements.
"What's wrong?" She immediately pulled back in alarm.
"Nothing, I just..." I cleared my throat. "Um, I was just wondering if you'd prefer sleeping on the couch, or if you want me to..." My voice trailed off and I shrugged in embarrassment, refusing to meet her eyes.
"Can't I sleep with you?" My eyes shot to hers, and she blushed furiously as she clearly must have realized how her words came out. "Oh God, no, I-I just meant..." she stuttered, ducking her head.
I inhaled. "I know what you meant. And there's nothing I want more."
Ten minutes later, I was sitting awkwardly at the edge of my bed, waiting for Bella to return from the bathroom. I had changed into my usual sleeping attire - sweat pants and a t-shirt - and wondered what was taking her so long. Finally she appeared in the doorway, looking a little nervous. "Hi," she whispered, her cheeks turning slightly red.
"Hi." I swallowed, my eyes running over her as I was taking in her appearance. She was barefoot, wearing dark blue cotton pajama pants and a white tank top - simple, yet absolutely stunning. My mouth suddenly felt dry. As she shyly looked down at her feet, I realized she must have caught me staring, and gulped. "So, um, do you...?" My voice trailed off as she wordlessly moved into the room.
She stopped by the bottom of the bed, biting her lip in that nervous way I had come to find adorable. I didn't think my voice would hold if I tried to speak, so I just slipped under the thick duvet and held out my hand, knowing she would take it. Smiling a little, Bella quickly climbed into bed and joined me under the covers.
For a moment, we both just lay there next to each other in silence, our hands and shoulders touching, but nothing else. Finally Bella spoke up, softly, "Won't you get warm?" Seeing the look on my face, she hurried to add, "I mean, as long as you're comfortable..." blushing fiercely.
I shook my head, not wanting her to think it was her presence that made me feel ill at ease. "No, I always sleep like this."
"Oh." She fell silent.
Briefly closing my eyes, I sighed. "I've got... scars, Bella. I don't want..." I stopped and turned my face away, suddenly ashamed. A part of me told me I shouldn't be, because this was Bella, but I couldn't help myself.
I suppose I should have expected it, but I was still a bit startled when I felt her soft hand on my cheek, gently forcing me to face her. "Do you really think that bothers me?" she whispered, brushing her lips tenderly against mine.
It felt so good. I let out a shuddering breath. "It bothers me," I then admitted, quietly.
"Okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." Bella hesitated a little. "Will you show me... some day?"
I thought about it, then nodded. "Some day." Preferably years from now.
She smiled and curled up on her side, and her arm went around my waist. "Let's just try to get some sleep now, okay baby?"
Her head seemed to fit so perfectly in the crook of my neck. I couldn't help but smile as well. "I like it when you call me that," I mumbled, resting my cheek against the top of her head and inhaling the sweet smell of her hair.
"I know," she breathed, and I could tell she was about to fall asleep. "Night, baby."
I carefully slid my arms around her and closed my eyes, waiting for sleep to claim me.
