Author's Notes: Thanks as always to Prothrombintime for invaluable feedback and support.


Chapter Fifty-One

October 11th, 2007

When Ianto woke a second time, he wasn't surprised to find that Jack's side of the bed was once again cold and empty. The sharp stab of hurt, however, was no less intense. He wasn't naïve enough to think that sex would fix anything between them, but as he'd fallen into a satisfied slumber with Jack's body wrapped protectively around him, he'd allowed himself to hope they'd reached a turning point. He now feared his impulsive and ill-advised actions may have made their fragile situation that much worse.

It had been uncertain and tentative at first, with Jack being especially gentle and doing most of the work given Ianto's compromised physical condition, but as they'd reacquainted themselves with each other's bodies, the intense passion they'd always shared had ignited once more, and it had almost felt like nothing had changed between them. Every touch whether with hands, lips, teeth or tongue had held a note of desperation, the need to lose themselves in each other overriding every trace of rational thought.

His initial surge of confidence had rapidly diminished as he'd began to worry that in his current state he wouldn't be able to satisfy Jack, and it had reminded him of the nervousness he'd felt during their first time together. However, Jack's fervent murmurings of affection and reassurance had helped him to relax, and he had almost wept with relief as he'd entered Jack, fully aroused for the first time in well over three months. Sex with Jack was an experience he'd feared he would never have the pleasure of again, and in a moment of clarity, he'd realised he would have to fight with everything he had in order to keep them together and get back to what they'd once had. Jack couldn't and wouldn't do it, so it was going to be up to him.

Stifling a yawn, he glanced at the alarm clock and noted the time was a little after six a.m. He eased himself out of bed, grasping hold of his walking stick to steady himself, and reached for his pyjama pants and t-shirt from where Jack had tossed them onto the nearby chair. He had to sit down again to awkwardly pull on his clothing, rising carefully back to his feet when he was dressed. Shivering slightly with the loss of warmth from the cocoon of his bed, he retrieved his dressing gown from where he'd left it slung over the back of the chair and slipped it on, wrapping it around his body and tying the waist.

With his walking stick for support, he made his way at a slow, shuffling gait out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen, intent on fixing himself a cup of strong coffee as he idly wondered what he was going to do to occupy his day.

He stopped suddenly when he reached the kitchen. Jack was standing at the large windows at the other end of the living room, his back to Ianto as he stared out at the vivid wash of colour of the sunrise. Recovering from his surprise, Ianto altered course and hobbled over to stand beside the other man.

"I thought you'd left," he said quietly.

Jack glanced at him and Ianto immediately knew from his red-rimmed eyes that he'd been crying. "Sorry. I was getting restless and didn't want to disturb you. Needed some time to think."

Adjusting his balance, Ianto rested his right hand on Jack's shoulder and rubbed it soothingly. "You okay?"

Jack huffed out a mirthless laugh. "I could try to lie, but you'd see right through me. I think we both know I haven't been okay for quite a while now."

"Come on, let's sit down." Ianto reached for Jack's hand and squeezed their fingers together, tugging gently. "It's time, Jack. We need to talk."

A little to Ianto's surprise, Jack simply nodded and allowed himself to be led around to the sofa. Once they were both sitting side-by-side and Ianto had put his walking stick out of the way, he turned to Jack and looked at him searchingly.

"Do you regret what happened last night?" he asked before he could stop himself, his fear momentarily getting the better of him.

"No, Ianto," Jack replied, shaking his head insistently. "Of course not. I could never regret that. Although I'm not sure if it was particularly wise given the circumstances."

"Perhaps not," Ianto agreed as he tried not to show his relief. "But I think we both needed it. At least I know I did. Besides, you could have said no... you could have stopped. But you didn't."

"No, I didn't." A flicker of guilt passed over Jack's features. "I'm sorry if I... well, if I took advantage of the situation."

"You didn't take advantage, Jack," Ianto said firmly. "And for the record, I don't regret it either." He sighed heavily. "I've missed you. I miss how things were."

"I know. I've missed you, too." Jack's voice wavered and he gave Ianto a small, sad smile. "Sometimes I feel like I can hardly breathe when I'm near you, it hurts so much. And then when I'm not near you, it hurts even more."

Ianto felt a swell of emotion threaten to overwhelm him, and he had to look down at his hands, the pain in Jack's eyes too much to bear. A tense silence settled between them, neither seeming willing to speak first. Ianto bit down on his lower lip nervously as he tried to organise his chaotic thoughts. Then they both spoke at once.

"Jack..."

"Ianto..."

Jack shook his head, and with a rueful expression, he gestured at Ianto. "You go first."

"Sure?" Ianto asked uncertainly.

"Yeah."

Ianto drew a deep breath to steady himself and tried to ignore the pounding thump of his heartbeat. "Jack, you need to stop punishing me because I'm going to leave you one day."

Jack's eyes widened in what was clearly surprise. "Ianto, that's not..."

"Please, Jack." Ianto held up a hand to stop him. "Let me finish."

Jack's mouth snapped shut and he simply nodded.

"I can't begin to imagine what it must be like for you," Ianto continued, carefully choosing his words. "Every time I try to, I..." He trailed off, shaking his head in consternation. "I can't. It's too overwhelming. And I hate that I'll have to leave you one day... I hate that you'll be alone again."

Jack was staring at him, his features stony and the tension in the line of his jaw plainly visible, as if he was holding himself together by sheer force of will. Ianto shifted slightly and lowered his gaze again to where his hands were clutched tightly in his lap. He drew in another deep breath.

"I'd stay with you forever if I could," he continued, looking up into Jack's eyes again. "If the Doctor showed up in that bloody police box of his right now and said he could make me like you, I'd tell him to do it... I wouldn't hesitate for a second. Because even if we wouldn't always be together... even if I knew we'd drive each other completely barmy after a millennia or two, at least it would mean you'd never have to be alone again."

Pausing, he reached up and pressed his hand against the side of Jack's face, stroking the unshaven skin tenderly. "I'd do anything to give you that, Jack," he added in a soft murmur.

He began to move his hand away, but Jack captured it in his own and held it there for a long moment, his hard expression crumbling as he blinked to clear his shimmering eyes. He brought their joined hands to his lips and kissed the back of Ianto's hand, then lowered them to rest on his knee.

"I'd never want that for you," Jack said in little more than a whisper. "Not because I don't want you to always be with me, but because it would mean you'd be condemned to suffer this curse too." He squeezed Ianto's hand before finally releasing it. "I could never want that for anyone, especially not you."

Ianto nodded sadly. "I know." He lowered his eyes again, swallowing against the lump in his throat. "So all I can do is promise that I'll be here with you for as long as I can. I know it's not much. I know I'll only ever be a blink of an eye in your lifetime. I wish I could give you more, but it's the best I can do."

"But you deserve so much more, Ianto," Jack said fiercely, the familiar look of defiant stubbornness returning to his features. "We've been through this. I can't let you sacrifice..."

"I deserve to have the right to choose my own life, Jack," Ianto retorted loudly, cutting Jack off and struggling to hold back his frustration. "I deserve for you to respect me as much as I respect you."

Jack looked taken aback. "Of course I respect you, Ianto. I respect you more than anyone else I've known." He frowned. "How can you think..."

"Then you need to respect that I know what I want," Ianto added insistently, willing Jack to heed his words. "You know what I want, Jack. I want this... us. Even if I can only have part of you, if you hold some of yourself back so it won't hurt so much when I'm gone. Whatever I can have of you, I'm going to take and hold onto until I draw my final breath." The words came out in a rush and he had to stop for a moment to regather his composure. "Maybe that makes me pathetic, but I don't care."

He held Jack's gaze determinedly. "I've never been more alive than when I'm with you. I've never felt more loved or accepted. When I look back on the time I was with Lisa, as much as I loved her, I think there was a part of me that was settling, that didn't think I deserved better. Being with you, I've realised that maybe I do." He paused, but before Jack could interject, he added, "Jack, you tell me I deserve more, so what I'm saying is that I agree with you. Except you've got it wrong. The more I deserve is you."

Jack shook his head, trailing a hand distractedly through his hair and leaving it in disarray. "And if being with me gets you killed? When I was searching through the rubble in London, desperately trying to find you, I thought I'd lost you. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't breathe, I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. It was one of the worst moments of my life, and with everything I've seen and been through, that's saying a hell of a lot."

He paused and exhaled a deep, shuddering breath. "I'm scared, Ianto. I'm terrified that next time you won't make it. I've tried to protect you, to keep you safe, but I've failed miserably. And I'll probably keep failing. I'll keep putting you in danger no matter how hard I try not to. We've been lucky... the Beacons, the Blowfish, John Hart, the Mara, Canary Wharf... but one day that luck is going to run out."

Ianto couldn't deny the truth of Jack's words. He'd had some lucky escapes and he regretted that his recent injuries had only served to remind Jack how terribly fragile their lives really were. It had been nothing short of a miracle that he'd survived the fall of Torchwood London.

"You're right, Jack," he agreed reluctantly. "And we both know that the life of a Torchwood employee tends to be a short and brutal one. But I'm not leaving. If you want me gone, you'll have to fire me or retcon me. Obviously if that's what you decide to do, I can't stop you. But I'd like to think you wouldn't do either."

Jack reclined against the back of the sofa, his shoulders slumped in apparent defeat. "It might be a kindness if I did," he murmured, lowering his eyes. Then slowly, he shook his head. "But no, I could never do that to you."

"Good," Ianto said with relief. He shuffled a little closer to Jack, but resisted the urge to reach out and touch him. "Jack, look... I know you're hurting. I see it in your eyes every time I look at you. But is it really going to hurt any less if you push me away now? Isn't it going to hurt more to live with the regrets of what might have been? For me, whether I die tomorrow or sixty years from now, the only way I won't have any regrets is knowing that we made the most of our time together, no matter how fleeting it is."

"Except that you're not the one who has to continue on alone," Jack muttered bitterly, lifting his eyes to meet Ianto's again. "You're not the one who ends up feeling like their world has been torn apart."

"But you'll have the memories of the time we had together," Ianto countered, knowing it was little comfort, but in the end it was all Jack would have. He hated that he'd inevitably cause Jack pain. "That has to be worth something? The alternative is that we'd never met, that you'd have been alone for these last four years. Would that really have been better?"

"No! Of course not. I just..." Jack's voice broke and he wiped furiously at his eyes. "I can't keep doing this. I thought I could push you away, I thought I could deal with not having you in my life as long as I knew you had a chance for something better. But I know I've hurt you... that I'm continuing to hurt you. And that's something I never wanted to do." He paused and swallowed visibly, giving Ianto a pleading look. "I need you too much, Ianto. Now more than ever."

Jack reached tentatively for Ianto's hand but hesitated, looking so broken and tormented that Ianto found himself vehemently cursing the Doctor all over again. He grasped Jack's hand and held it firmly. "So, we're stuck with each other then?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah," Jack agreed, the word coming out in a choked whisper. "You're going to have to be patient with me though."

"I can do that," Ianto said without hesitation. "In case you haven't noticed, I can be a very patient man."

"Believe me, I've noticed." The barest hint of a smile crept across Jack's lips, a glimmer of warmth appearing in his eyes. "Anyone else would have given up on me a long time ago." He tugged on Ianto's hand. "Come here."

They met in an awkward embrace, clinging to each other almost desperately. Ianto simply held onto Jack as tightly as he could, hoping it was somehow enough as Jack's face nuzzled against the junction of his neck and shoulder. With such a turbulent mass of emotions spiralling through Ianto's thoughts, he was hard pressed to single out the most prevalent feeling. Somewhere in the midst of the turmoil, however, was a sense of profound relief.

When they finally eased apart several minutes later, he tried to give Jack a reassuring smile. "Jack, I need you to promise that you'll never push me away again because you think I'll be better off. If one day you decide you don't want to be with me anymore, I'll have to accept that, but please don't push me away for any other reason. Have we got a deal?"

"Yeah, it's a deal." Jack reached up and traced his fingers down the side of Ianto's face, caressing the stubbled skin. "Ianto, you know none of this has been because my feelings for you have changed, right? It's never been about not loving you enough, or not wanting to be with you."

"Well, I'd hoped..." Ianto murmured.

Jack leaned in and softly kissed his lips. "I never want you to doubt what you mean to me."

Ianto nodded, not trusting himself to speak. "There's one more thing," he finally said, clearing his throat. "I want you to try not to give up hope. At least not completely. Chances are the Doctor will show up again someday, he seems to have a habit of doing that. I know he said there's nothing he can do, but I don't believe him. There has to be something."

"I'm not sure I can believe that," Jack said with a sigh, his voice heavy with scepticism. "I don't think the Doctor would have lied about not being able to fix me."

"Maybe not," Ianto admitted. "Although you'll have to forgive me for not having as much faith in him as you do. He might have saved the world again, but I'll never be able to forgive him for how he's treated you." He looked at Jack appealingly. "Will you at least try?"

"Okay. I'll try," Jack agreed. His response was half-hearted at best, but Ianto decided he'd take what he could get. "So, what happens now?"

"Well for starters, you stop sleeping on the sofa and start sleeping in our bed again." Ianto kept his tone resolute, leaving no room for argument. "And you're going to take me on a date."

Jack's eyebrows lifted and there was an expression of fond amusement in his eyes for the first time it what had been far too long. "Oh, I am, am I?"

"Yep," Ianto said firmly. "But in the meantime, how about I make us some coffee?" He huffed out a wry half-laugh. "You know, it really should be illegal to have heart-to-heart conversations at six in the morning without consuming at least one cup of industrial strength coffee first."

Jack chuckled. "I'd love some coffee, Ianto." He rose to his feet and held out his hand. "Come on, let's make it together."