"Heavenless"
55. Lost Humanity
Brigitte slept. She dreamt of the greenhouse. It was quiet and empty. The night after the bash and with all the pumpkins scattered onto the ground. She herself was sitting at his work bench, a magnifying glass trained on a glittering black orchid. A forgotten cigarette rested next to it, in an ashtray.
Suddenly, he felt his hands on her shoulders and his lips in her hair. She shivered at his closeness. She hadn't felt anything like this before, and she just wanted him to stay there.
"I was lost without you." she said.
He didn't say anything. His presence also brought with it a sense of foreboding, and in that instant, he spoke, and told her what she didn't want to hear.
You know why I'm here.
Brigitte choked on the words.
"...I don't want to know."
I've never been anything but honest with you.
"I don't want you to be honest. Lie to me."
I can't.
"Just... play the cherry hound. Play your part. Don't do this..."
Why am I here, Brigitte? Tell me.
"Why?"
Because you need to hear it.
Moment of truth.
"You're leaving..."
I can't stay.
Despair. She turned and grabbed his shirt. The cloth twisted in her fists. She didn't know what else to do.
"Please don't go, Sam... there is no-one else... I have no-one..."
You still have Ginger.
"No... please, please..."
The part of you that's still holding onto me, the remote possibility of me, of someone else, is too weak to go on, Brigitte. The wolf devours me first.
"Please, please, please stay, please don't go, don't leave me, don't leave me alone, I'm all alone out here, I have no-one!"
I'll always be with you. An eighth's fifty, remember?
Brigitte choked. She knew what she should say and she knew she couldn't say anything but.
"I don't want any drugs."
Atta girl.
Briefest of brushes on her forehead. His lips. Or did she just imagine it?
Now, be strong. And amscray.
When she opened her eyes to the room, Sam was gone. Brigitte knew in her heart that something she had been holding onto, that little purity in her, had left with him.
She cried herself awake.
