ENDarkenedSanity (is that a thing now? XD): I think Gray needs a dog in his life XD Gray and Binkie are adorbs lol Well, I wouldn't say that things are totally positive at this point, but at least they're definitely getting better! Self-harm is always going to be a dark topic. In some ways he's darker here than it would normally be, but in others I think it's a very blunt, realistic view of something so tragic. I prefer to keep a realistic edge on serious topics instead of romanticizing or sanitizing them. Ha ha, I got very attached to demon-Gray too. Finishing up his story was really sad ;_; I still play with him and his world a lot in my head. Buuut I think his story has a pretty badass ending that I wouldn't be able to top if I kept writing, and it makes me really excited for him when I look back. He's like my baby (my poor, depressed, frustrating, tortured, mega-old baby XD) and I have a lot invested in him, poor guy.


Valley of the Shadow of Death


He lingered outside Lamia Scale's guild hall for a few seconds before taking a breath and pushing his way inside. No sense waiting until Lyon caught him. Ignoring the sudden hush and suspicious glares, He headed directly for where Lyon's team was hanging around their favored table.

"What do you want?" Yuka asked brusquely, eyes narrowing.

He sat next to Sherry, figuring she was going to be the friendliest face here. "I want to talk to you about Lyon real quick."

"What happened?" Toby asked.

Yuka's scowl deepened. "He's been with you for nearly a week. We haven't seen him."

"I know," He said. "That's what I want to talk to you about. He's been spending an awful lot of time hanging around me, aside from when he finally ran off last time."

"Yeah, we've noticed."

"Yuka," Sherry hissed. She jabbed a not-so-surreptitious elbow in his direction. "Can't you at least try?"

"Why?"

"Because you know that he and Lyon–"

"It's fine," He interrupted, the weariness seeping back into his bones. "I think it would be a good idea if you spent some more time with him."

Yuka's eyes widened in righteous indignation. "You think we haven't tried? All he ever wants is to be with you, even when you won't even look at him. Even when he ran back here, his mind was still with you."

"Yuka, please," Sherry pleaded. "I thought you were calling a truce?"

"Yeah, well."

"It's fine," He said again. "And I'm aware. But you've stuck by him when he didn't have anyone else, right? You're like a little family over here. It's been hitting him hard that all his relationships started falling apart and–"

"And whose fault is that?" Yuka muttered.

He let out a breath through his nose and darted a glance at the door. This was not his idea of a good time, and He wished He could just go. But this was for Lyon's sake, and He owed him this much.

"Mine," He said shortly. "But I've heard that he's been having some problems with you too. Just… He's already had enough problems with me. Whatever you're mad at him for is probably my fault anyway."

"Probably so," Yuka said, clearly in an uncharitable mood. "But we've already made our peace."

Yes, He was aware. Lyon had been talking enough to make up for months of stony silence. It was good that they had started making nice and He believed that they'd pull through this rough patch and overcome perceived betrayals and hurt feelings, but He'd rather see them back to normal as quickly as possible. Lyon and his team had been through a lot lately, and they should be sticking together rather than bickering.

"He's here," He said.

Sherry started and her head swiveled toward the door. "Here?"

"Well, at his apartment. He came up to grab some of his things, since he refuses to move out of my place right now. I suggested that he stop by here before going back to Magnolia. Say hi and everything. So he should be here later. Probably soon, so I should go. He doesn't know I'm here."

"And why are you sneaking around behind his back?" Yuka asked.

"Because I'd rather he think this was your idea and not mine. I'm here to ask if you can come down to Magnolia on occasion to visit with him while he's insisting on staying there. I think it would be good for him—and you—to meet up from time to time instead of just leaving him with me and staying here. And he's not always good at balancing his time between people."

"We probably should," Sherry agreed. She sighed and looked more tired than He'd ever seen her. "I've thought about it, I just wasn't sure…"

"I'll stay out of your way."

She flushed. "That's not what–"

He shrugged, long past the point of playing games with political correctness, and nodded to Yuka and Toby. "They don't want to risk running into me, and you don't want to make a scene. It's fine. I'm asking you down to visit him, not me."

"And why are you asking us for favors?" Yuka asked suspiciously.

"Oh, come on," Sherry groaned. "He's just trying to look out for Lyon."

"Yeah, well, I don't trust him and–"

He let out a harsh breath. "I have enough difficulty keeping my own head above water to do a good job of keeping someone else afloat too. He's your friend and I know you want what's best for him. I'm telling you that I'll stay out of your way if you come down to see him. At least until I can convince him to come back here, but he's not going anywhere right now."

"Of course he's not, not after you–"

"I'm not going to be around forever. I've a knack for getting into trouble and I've lived long enough that I'm beginning to tire of it. And when that happens, he's going to need you even more."

Everyone around the table stilled, and Sherry darted a look at the demon's arms. "Are you–?"

He shook his head impatiently. "Not right now. I did promise them I would try to figure things out. But it's going to happen sooner or later, and probably sooner than the rest of you. He's doing himself a disservice focusing so much on me to the exclusion of everyone else."

Yuka opened his mouth, grimaced, closed it again. Sherry twisted her hands together anxiously, but it was Chelia who sidled over to butt in.

"Did you have Wendy heal them?" she asked.

"No. I'd rather keep them. They're healing nicely on their own."

"But–"

"I'll tell you what I told her," He said with a sigh. "They are part of who I am, and I am not ashamed of them."

She bit down on her bottom lip. "I'm not sure I can agree with that, but…I suppose I have to respect your feelings on the matter."

A faint smile flickered over his face. "Thanks, kiddo."

"But can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why are you carrying around a stuffed dog?"

He stared at her blankly and then looked down to see Binkie still clutched in his arms. Carrying the dog around had become so second-nature that He barely even noticed anymore.

"And I was doing such a good job of not asking," Yuka muttered.

"I'm holding on to him for Asuka right now." He rubbed the worn ear between his fingers and a faint smile ghosted over his face. Then He looked across the table at Toby and arched an eyebrow. "You like dogs, don't you? Want to say hi?"

He held out the toy. Toby stared at it like it might bite him, but then hesitantly reached out to touch.

"Good dog," he mumbled, giving in and petting the stuffed animal.

He nodded his acceptance of the olive branch. It wasn't much and they weren't going to be friends any time soon, but at least it helped solidify their tentative truce.

"I should go," He said. He pulled the dog back to his chest and stood up. "Lyon should be here soon."

He only made it a few steps before Chelia called after him, "We should have another snowball war sometime. You can even be on my team again."

"We won't have snow for months," He said, although He half-turned and smiled at her fondly.

"In the meantime, you can always teach me more of your magic." She flushed and looked down at her feet as she toed the ground. "I mean, if you don't mind."

"Whatever you want, kiddo." His smile softened. "You should come down with the others sometime too. Wendy would be glad to see you."

Chelia beamed. "Of course!"

"We'll be there," Sherry added.

He nodded, but this time it was Yuka who stopped him.

"You don't have to run off when we come," he grunted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"…It's fine."

"I grudgingly acknowledge that you're trying to do what's best for him, even if you've been doing a terrible job of it. I don't like you and we're not going to be friends, but Lyon will be happier if we at least try to get along. So truce. For real, this time."

That was unexpected. He didn't really expect much of Yuka, knowing how tightly he held on to his grudges. Then again, He hadn't expected too much of Lyon back in the early days either. Maybe they could at least give each other a chance. It was a start.

"Okay." He looked away and shifted under the weight of the knowledge He bore every time He was around Yuka. "I know you were instrumental in fixing me up after that fiasco with the devil slayer magic. For a while I resented it as taking away an easy out, but…there were things after that point that I'm glad I had the chance to experience, even with all the bad. So thanks."

"I only–"

"Did it for Lyon. I know. That's fine. He shouldn't have asked you to, but don't hold it against him. Don't forget who it is that you're really angry at. He's made some mistakes with you guys, but he means well and cares about you a lot."

Yuka was silent for a long time, studying the demon with narrowed eyes and a frown, but then shook his head. "You're a strange one."

"So I've been told." Unfolding one arm from around Binkie, He gave everyone a small wave and turned away. "I really need to go. Don't tell him I was here. Hopefully I'll see you around."

The rest of the guild maintained its tense silence and dead stares, but Sherry and Chelia called their goodbyes after him as He ducked outside. He had no other business in Margaret Town and no desire to run into Lyon and have to explain what He was doing here, so He headed straight for the train station. He needed to be back by the early afternoon anyway, since the team was taking a job. It was the first team job He'd been on since his last Awakening, and He didn't want to screw it up.

He stared out the train's window and counted down the miles as they passed, barely noticing the ever-present odd looks. Dealing with Lyon's team had left him tired and drained. He had his good days and his bad days, and this one wasn't looking so good. He'd need to pull himself together quickly if He wanted the job to go well. And honestly, He was ready for something to go well for once. Maybe today He would fight to make it happen.

Still, He found himself subdued and distant when He disembarked and headed for the guild. It was a depressing state of affairs after He had finally decided to make things work, but He knew better than anyone that some days it was just one step forward and two steps back. Even when things were going well, it was still two steps forward and one step back. That was life for you.

Within two seconds of stepping into the guild hall, He realized that He was not the only one having an off day. An air of faint tension slithered beneath the normal hustle and bustle, seeping into the surrounding atmosphere in the form of whispered comments and sidelong looks and wary eyes. At first He thought maybe it was because He was late and they tended to get weird about that, but then He noticed Two and the Executioner hovering awkwardly near the team.

"You again?" He asked automatically. "Weren't you just here?"

They had last been here…right before He finished the cranes and had his accident. There weren't many good reasons for them to check up on him more than once or twice a month, and being back so soon didn't bode well for him.

They turned their attention on him and Two opened her mouth, but the spotlight was stolen by Natsu as he jumped to his feet and stalked over with a face like a thundercloud. In half a second he was all up in the demon's personal space, nosing around and sniffing loudly.

"Hey," He griped, shoving the dragon slayer away. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Checking for blood," Natsu grunted, crossing his arms over his chest with a scowl.

"Seriously? Why now?"

"You came in late, and bad shit tends to happen when you come in late."

"Nothing happened." Honestly, did they think He'd be carving himself up while Lyon was in the next room? "Back off. I've been clean since the accident."

Natsu snorted loudly to show what he thought of that terminology but was soundly ignored.

"We just worry about you," Erza said gently, playing mediator again. Her smile was half fond and half sad.

He sighed and deflated. "I know. I'm fine. I just had an errand to run this morning. We weren't going to leave until the afternoon anyway."

If they couldn't leave until Lyon got back anyway—because he refused to be left behind in anything involving the demon these days—then why did He have to get so much trouble for being a little late? He understood where his friends were coming from and their concern made him feel a little warmer, but it could also become smothering at times.

"It's alright," said Erza. "You aren't under arrest. You might just have to deal with us worrying a little. Now, why don't you deal with the Council before it's time for our job?"

To be honest, He didn't really feel like dealing with the Council. Just dealing with Lyon's friends was painful enough, and He didn't have enough energy left over for the Council. But He also didn't have a choice in the matter, so He might as well get the show on the road.

"Sure." He turned back to the door, jerking his head at Two and the Executioner as He went. "C'mon, we might as well get this over with."

No one protested his departure despite Natsu's mutinous grumblings and Erza's harsh shushing, and two sets of footsteps followed him out.

"Sorry I made you wait," He said for the sake of politeness. "Even now that I'm keeping more regular hours at the guild, you still manage to pick the day I'm late."

"It's alright," Two said. "We–"

"I have to ask," the Executioner interrupted as they turned down the street. "Why are you carrying around a toy dog?"

Despite himself, He smiled a little and hugged the stuffed animal more firmly to his chest. "Asuka gave him to me. I'm supposed to give him back when I'm not sad anymore. His name is Binkie."

"Binkie?" the Executioner repeated incredulously.

"Well, I didn't name him."

"…And you don't find it the least bit embarrassing to be carrying a toy around with you? Do you see the looks people are giving you?"

"The kid gave him to me to carry around, so I'll carry him around. And I'll get looks no matter what. Better to get them for carrying around a dog than just for being me."

Two coughed pointedly and sent a shut up look at her companion before saying, "That's very sweet of her."

"She's a good kid." He dipped his head to half-bury his face behind Binkie's, and stared out sightlessly at all the shoes hustling past as He drifted along in the current. "No one's ever given me something to make me not-sad before."

"…Really?"

"I was never supposed to be sad. I wasn't made that way. I wasn't written that way. And it wasn't supposed to be part of who I was pretending to be either." He shrugged, his mind drifting lazily along some distant, half-remembered twist of the past. "The guild tries, but they don't really know what to do with me.

"Anyway, I've never had a stuffed animal before. Maybe because I was never a child. Or because I was always a child. Whichever."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" the Executioner asked in frustration. "Do you always have to talk in riddles?"

He didn't feel like He ever really tried to talk in riddles, but it seemed like his brain was always meandering along some different wavelength from everyone else's. One more thing to keep an eye on. His mind would always work a bit differently from the humans'.

"I wasn't born—I was created. I never had a family or a childhood, nor a period of time where I could conceivably be considered a child. Children aren't meant for killing, therefore a tool made for killing has no reason to start off as a child."

Two's mouth twisted into a funny expression and she almost tripped over a crack in the pavement. "That sounds…sad."

"Does it?" He asked, apathetic. "Only by human standards, and I am not human. I am as I was written to be, and Zeref had no use for children. On the other hand, Gray is also part of me and he died a child. He will forever be a child inside me, and therefore I am as well…even if I never was."

"That's…kind of disturbing," the Executioner muttered.

"Maybe that's why I like children," He mused to himself, dodging around a couple unfriendly pedestrians and hugging Binkie tighter. "They remind me of what I never was, and in them I see more of Gray than myself. The things I instinctively dislike tend to have too much of myself in them."

His footsteps slowed as He idly watched a little girl with blonde braids and smiling brown eyes tug at her mother's hand and point at an ice cream vendor. Shaking his head, He tore his eyes away and walked on.

"Um…" Two cleared her throat awkwardly, and He got the distinct impression that she was trying to come up with something to say. He didn't understand why it disturbed her so much.

"Anyway, the kid gave him to me," He said, switching gears and jumping back to the earlier topic. "Not that I'm an expert on human children, but a lot of them have stuffed animals, right? I'm just holding on to it for her for a little while."

There was a short pause before Two nodded and said, "Sure. Emilia had one too… A little white rabbit she named Flopsy. But she always used to drag it around by the ear, so it didn't stay white for long."

He glanced at her sidelong. Her eyes had a distant look to them, and her mouth was quirked downward with a distinct edge of melancholy. The Executioner shifted uncomfortably as he looked between her and the demon.

He watched her for a few seconds longer and then shoved Binkie at her chest. She jerked back in surprise as she was snapped back to the present, but took the toy automatically. After blinking at it uncomprehendingly, she tried to hand it back.

"What–?"

He stepped around her and started forward again. "Asuka says it's supposed to help you feel better when you're sad."

He continued on relentlessly until his companions were spurred back into motion and followed after him. He sensed them come up beside him, but kept his unfocused gaze fixed on the cobblestones until their gray blurred across his vision.

"I…" Two cleared her throat and mumbled, "Thank you."

"Mm." He was so used to holding the dog now that its absence left him feeling empty and bereft. Which was probably silly given that it was just a child's toy, but maybe it was more than that to him. His fingers twitched, and He shoved his hands into his pockets to occupy them. "Why are you back so soon? You were here a couple weeks ago."

"You weren't really…doing very well then. We wanted to check in. We're worried."

The Executioner snorted loudly. "Speak for yourself."

"If you say so," said Two with a palpable air of subdued amusement.

"I do," her companion said primly. "Anyway, you've been so quiet that the Council is convinced you're up to something. They keep tabs on you, you know. You haven't been taking officially sanctioned jobs anymore, and there are barely even any reports of sighting you anywhere. The total lack of activity is making them suspicious."

"That's true too," Two conceded. "We've been keeping a closer watch since the last trial, and you've basically disappeared from the radar since our last visit."

"Indeed." He sighed and kicked at a pebble. "The truth is far less exciting, I'm afraid. I haven't been engaging in nefarious underground criminal activity. I've merely been indisposed."

"The accident?" Two suggested, her tone innocuous aside from the sharp note woven through the word.

He shot a look at her, wondering how she'd known, but relaxed as He recalled that He'd used the same wording on his way out of the guild. Of course they were going to poke at whatever He'd been up to in their absence. It was their job.

"Yes."

"Your guild didn't seem to think it was an accident," the Executioner said skeptically.

"Picked up on that, did you? Correct. They don't."

"Well? Was it?"

"Yes. And no."

"What? Riddles again? How can something be an accident and not an accident?"

"Depends on who you ask." He shrugged one shoulder and returned his gaze to the cobblestones. "They say it's not because the cuts weren't an accident. I say it is because I didn't mean to almost die."

It was such a nice day, pleasantly warm without being truly hot. The sun was shining brightly, and the clatter and chatter of the city was a cacophonous but strangely soothing hum in his ears. Too bad all He felt like doing was going to sleep.

"You…cut yourself?" Two asked.

"…I always cut myself. This time was just worse. Or, worse since I lost the immortality. I could saw my head off before. I've sort of toned it down since then."

"That's really messed up," the Executioner said, now sounding uneasy.

"It's not so bad. I've decided that I'm going to get better now, so at least something good came of it."

"How do you just decide to get better?"

"How do you expect to get better if you don't decide to?" He gave the other man a curious look. "If you're too apathetic to care, you'll keep slipping down. If you don't want to get better, you'll self-destruct. I've tried them all, but that's the only way that really works. I'll relapse again, I always do, but I'll start having more good days, last longer between crashes. Eventually, it'll get better. As better as it can get. If I don't change my mind again later."

His visitors were wearing strange expressions that He found difficult to place. He found these two to be a bit of a puzzle. Two had been an enigma from the start, and the Executioner's ebbing hostility was nothing if not strange. He was willing to be more blunt with them because they shouldn't care like his friends did, but they seemed more invested than they should.

"Here." Two handed Binkie back, and He gratefully fitted his arms back around the toy. "I think you need him more than I do."

"You always seem to catch me on my bad days," He said with a sigh. Although given that most of his days weren't great, maybe that wasn't saying much. Still, things had been a little better. "So, what has the Council been up to, then?"

They hesitated, and He wasn't sure if it was because He'd changed the subject again or because they were wary of divulging the Council's plans.

"They're looking for any excuse to take you back into custody," the Executioner said. "We're supposed to be looking for one."

"Wow. How surprising. Have they actually figured out a way to keep me contained yet?"

Two smiled a little sheepishly. "No, but I think they're trying to ignore that little problem."

"Speaking of which," the Executioner interrupted, "how did you get out of those anti-magic cuffs?"

"Because they only nullify my magic," He replied. "What demons use aren't magics. You must have gathered some intel on Tartaros? Zeref's demons use curses. They look similar to magic from the outside, but they are fundamentally different because we are unnatural and therefore cannot be endowed with natural magic."

"But then…why did you stay in prison from the beginning?"

"Because it benefitted the guild, directly or indirectly. And because I knew that I'd have to face the music sooner or later."

"But you…" The Executioner stopped walking abruptly, and He turned back to watch him with tired eyes. The human's hands were clenched into white-knuckled fists by his sides, and a war raged behind his eyes. "You are strange. And not what I expected. And the more I learn about you, the more disturbing it becomes. But then why did you say those things about my family when I first arrested you?"

He stared back, impassive. "Because you wanted me to."

"What? Of course I didn't–"

"You wanted a demon. You wanted someone to blame, someone to hate. And I gave you that."

The Executioner gaped at him, but He just turned away to continue inexorably down the street with no destination in mind.

"That's what you meant, isn't it?" Two asked quietly. "About giving us choices?"

"Of course. It's the same thing I did for Lyon, until he decided he wanted something different."

"But–"

"Hey, wait up!" shouted a child's voice from somewhere behind them.

He turned and caught a glimpse of familiar black hair and sea-blue eyes. "Jamie?"

Jamie darted through the crowd and skidded to a stop in front of the demon and his companions. As usual, poor Sophie was left scrambling after him.

"You haven't come to play in a long time!" the child said, bracing his hands on his hips with a scowl.

"Sorry," He mumbled, fidgeting under the accusation. "I've been…occupied."

The fire faded from Jamie's eyes, leaving them uncharacteristically solemn. "I heard that you killed someone."

He looked away. His hands tightened around his arms painfully and Binkie felt like a sack of bricks. "Yes."

"You said that killing people isn't cool," Jamie said somberly. "That everyone has their own dreams and families and lives that no one has the right to take away from them."

"That's right," He said quietly. If nothing else, at least the child's misplaced hero-worship might help him remember a small lesson on the value of life.

"So…what was it? An accident or there was no choice or it had to be done?"

Oh, a child's trusting faith hurt, even if it was just parroting his own lessons back to him.

"For her? A little bit of all three, but mostly the second."

"That's sad," said Jamie.

And it was.

Sophie put a hand on her brother's shoulder, but her eyes never left the demon. Her usual shyness and uncertainty was eclipsed by a look every bit as somber as her brother's. He found it difficult to meet her eyes and inched back a step. He wouldn't blame her for not wanting him near the kid anymore, and it was one of the many reasons He had never gone back after everything with Marietta.

"I've heard some pretty bad things," she said.

"I can imagine," He mumbled.

"I'm sorry."

"You're…sorry?" He looked up in confusion, but her seriousness didn't fade.

"I know everyone must have been giving you a hard time even though it was an accident."

She had that same unwavering faith in him as her brother, and He didn't understand what He had done to deserve it.

"But what's with this dog?" Jamie complained, unable to stay so serious for long. "That's cute, not cool."

Despite himself, He coughed out a raspy laugh. "I'm holding on to him for Asuka. You remember her, right? From Fantasia? She likes to play with guns, which is cool."

"Yeah, but the dog isn't," Jamie persisted, unimpressed. "Now, a dragon would be cool! And so are your fangs! Can I touch them again?"

"Uh, maybe not today," He said weakly, scrambling for any feasible way to get out of having his mouth attacked again.

"Awww, no fun," Jamie whined. But it was only a few seconds before he was quivering with excitement again. "The shadow, then! Can I play with the shadow again?"

He wondered if it was too late to go back to the teeth option.

"I don't know, kiddo. You know I told you–"

"She isn't very friendly. Uh-huh. But you made me my own to play with last time!"

He hunched his shoulders and wished He could disappear. He had barely even looked at his curses since Marietta's death. He had used them to escape the Council's cuffs, but He'd barely touched them since. Even the thought of them made his stomach twist and churn. His shadow He dealt with because He had no choice, but his curses had been put on strict lockdown for months now.

He darted a pleading look at Sophie, almost wishing she'd tell him to stay away from her brother and spare him the trouble, but she nodded and smiled at him encouragingly. He swallowed and looked back at Jamie. He was being ridiculous, anyway.

It was just one little curse. Perfectly harmless, something He had done a thousand times before, and it would make the kid happy.

He unhooked one arm from Binkie and reached out for Jamie's shadow.

And nothing happened.

His hand froze, trembling slightly, and the shadow slipped from his grasp like chilled, silky liquid running through his fingers. He tried again, but again the shadows resisted.

"Oh," He breathed.

Let us in, whispered his shadow.

He was trying to. And yet…and yet…

He laughed breathily, unamused. "I'm as bad as Natsu now," He muttered.

Except that even Natsu had overcome his aversion to his curses eventually, at least enough to be able to use and control them.

"Are you alright?" asked Sophie.

"Yes."

"Is something wrong with your magic?" the Executioner asked. "Curses. Whatever."

"…No, not with them."

There was, however, something wrong with him. He had kept his shadow on a dreadfully short leash since his Awakening, and now He couldn't even trust his curses. He should be able to control them, but the memory of Awakening, of being fundamentally out of control and losing himself to the shadows, was still raw and left him…afraid.

Oh, He was afraid again. No wonder He couldn't control them.

"Just give the kid his shadow thing so we can go," said a voice from behind him. "We've got a job to do, remember?"

He turned with a frown. "Lyon?"

"The one and only." Lyon crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently, jerking his chin back in the direction of the guild. He supposed that they had stopped on the main road running between the apartment and guild. "Let's go, already."

He…didn't want Lyon to see this failure. Taking a deep breath, He refocused on the expectant child. Lyon was here. Lyon wasn't going to let anything happen. He trusted Lyon, even if He didn't trust the shadows or himself.

This time He caught the corner of the shadow, a small sliver of curses sinking in its teeth. Jamie laughed in delight as his shadow twisted and turned on the ground before darting off.

"It won't go far," He told Sophie as they watched the chase. No need to send her scrambling after her overly hyperactive brother again.

"Thanks," she said with a sigh. "He's missed you."

"Sorry, I've been avoiding pretty much everyone." He turned away, uncomfortable at the reminder of another child He'd abandoned. He focused back on Lyon instead, an easier target. "Did you get everything you needed? How did it go with your guild?"

"Yes and pretty well," Lyon said. "It was good to see them again. Are you still carrying that thing around?"

"Asuka told me to," He said primly. "Why is it such a surprise? I had him this morning too."

"Tell me you're not taking him on our job."

"Of course I am."

"The wyverns are going to die laughing at us," he lamented.

"The wyverns won't care."

"The clients, then."

"Then we can get the reward without having to deal with their wyverns."

"Ouch, cold."

"You're the one who wants me to ditch the kid's toy."

"Touché."

He smiled a little despite his discomfort and melancholy. He had missed Lyon something terrible, and if it took a near-death experience to bring them back together, then so be it.

"You're back on speaking terms?" Two asked, looking between them.

"Yep," Lyon agreed. "Took long enough."

"That's good." She turned her curiosity back on the demon. "What changed your mind?"

She was a clever one, and He could see in her eyes that she'd made the connection to the accident…and realized what it didn't explain. And the truth was, He wouldn't be able to explain it to her when He could hardly even explain it to himself.

"We've been lost in the shadow of death for a long time," He said with an age-old cynicism that only a former immortal could achieve. "I don't know who will be the next to fall, but someone is going to have regrets if things aren't fixed by then."

"Wow," Lyon said into the silence, his nose wrinkling in distaste. "Did you really have to make things so morbid?"

"Also, Mavis asked me to and I feel like I owe her something."

"…Mavis?"

"Mm. She always did want me to get my shit together."

"But she–"

"Hey!" Jamie shouted, outraged.

He half-turned, seeking out what had caused the child's distress. "What's wrong?"

Jamie stomped back over to the group with a scowl. "It stopped already! It lasted so much longer last time. Can you do it again?"

The shadow at his feet was static and dead, empty of any animating influence. An uncomfortable feeling twisted the demon's insides.

"Huh?" Lyon looked on with a puzzled frown. "Your curses and magics always last longer than that."

Indeed. His control over the shadows was weaker than ever, and it left him feeling vulnerable and exposed.

"Can you do it again?" Jamie asked once more.

He shook himself out of his horrified stupor and fell back on his molding as the next best line of defense. "Here, you said dragons were cool, right?" He kept his arms folded around Binkie but pressed his hands together to craft a winged beast with scales of shimmering ice that glittered in the noonday sun. "There you go. Although if you ask Lyon, maybe he can even make it fly for you. He's good at that."

"Whoa! So cool! I want to see it fly! Why can't you make it fly?"

"It's not really my specialty, but Lyon can do it. People just have different talents."

"But you can make the shadows move!"

"That's…different. The shadows are already as dark as me. Ice is different. I figure that's too much like creating life or a representation of it, and I was always more about destruction and death."

He shrugged and held out the dragon to Jamie, only to be stopped when Lyon stepped up behind him and slipped his arms around his sides.

"Don't be silly," he said with a sigh. "Molding itself is all about creation. It's just that you're more artistic and I'm more mechanical."

He rocked back automatically, seeking comfort and safety in Lyon's embrace. And then Lyon's magic was swirling all around him, teasing out his own. He couldn't say whether they combined or it was just Lyon who added the extra spark to make the little dragon's wings beat, but maybe it didn't matter. It was something they'd done together.

"Whoa!" Jamie cried, jumping for the icy dragon as it fluttered about.

"See?" breathed Lyon. "Maybe you'll understand now, what you did for Chelia."

"Chelia?" His first thought was that his earlier trip to Lamia Scale had been discovered, and He was quick to deny it. "I didn't do anything for Chelia."

Lyon stepped back, making the demon instantly miss his closeness, and gave him a hard look. "You gave her back her magic for a moment, and it meant everything to her."

"I didn't," He disagreed. "I can't do that. Her magic is gone for good, and there's nothing I can do about it."

"You gave her your magic, then. You gave her the impossible, and she loves you for it." Lyon sighed. "You can do more than you think you can, honestly. You just have a habit of telling yourself that you can't do things because of who you are. Have a little faith, Gray."

Faith, that was hard to come by.

"We should head back," He said. "They'll be expecting us soon."

Lyon gave him a searching look but acquiesced. "Isn't that what I was telling you? Come on, stop goofing off." Throwing a look at Two and the Executioner, he added, "I mean, if you guys are done."

Two nodded. "I think that's enough for today," she said quietly. "We'll go report back to the Council."

"You should come back and play with Jamie sometime," Sophie added. "He'd like that."

He shifted uncertainly. "Maybe… If you're okay with it."

"Of course I am."

"Maybe when I'm more myself. I don't think I'm really in a good place to be around kids right now."

"Well, that's too bad," Lyon interrupted dryly, "given that your entire guild is made up of children."

He smiled despite himself, unable to refute that. "Especially Natsu."

"Especially Natsu," Lyon agreed. "Let's go!"

They said their goodbyes, and He let Lyon drag him off toward the guild. But He threw one last glance back at the shadows, still in the noonday sun, and frowned down uneasily at his hands.

That, He knew, was going to be a problem.


"Maybe we'd better, like, do that circle-y thing and keep the ice princess on the inside," Natsu said suddenly.

He was so used to ridiculously stupid comments from Natsu that He didn't even bother asking what that was supposed to mean. He had more important things to do, namely keeping his eyes and ears open for the colony of wyverns that had made their home here.

The ground was hard and drought-cracked, flat aside from the occasional rolling hill or rocky ridge or low shrub. He found it a little puzzling, only because this was unusual terrain for wyverns. They tended to prefer high places with caves and crags to hide in and make nests, making mountains and rocky hills their ideal habitats. And He saw very few potential food sources around here…although that could explain why the beasts had become enough of a problem to warrant guild intervention.

"What circle-y thing?" Lucy asked, giving up on puzzling out the dragon slayer's incomprehensible utterance.

"You know, like when adult animals circle around and keep the babies in the middle to protect them from predators and whatever?"

"I'm surprised you even know about that," He said absently, not having a horribly high opinion of Natsu's worldly intelligence at the best of times.

His hands swung by his sides, clenching and unclenching. They felt wrong and empty, but He couldn't risk damaging Binkie in the fighting. He'd feel absolutely horrible if He ruined Asuka's toy after she'd so kindly let him borrow it. Maybe it was a little bit pathetic that He was hundreds of years old and had developed a sudden dependence on a stuffed animal, but He couldn't find it in his heart to be ashamed.

So Binkie had to be stowed safely in his shadow, as much as He'd rather not taint a child's toy with his darkness. On the bright side, He had no problems with manipulating his shadow for such a simple task. Not that that really said much in terms of the bigger picture, but He would have been really screwed if He couldn't even–

Wait.

What?

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He demanded, finally rounding on Natsu.

Natsu grinned back, unrepentant. "Last time you went up against wyverns, you came back all torn up."

"What last time?" Lyon asked.

He pulled himself up to his full height, bursting at the seams with indignant wrath. "I was told that there was one wyvern. If I'd known there were two, the other one would've never been able to sneak up on me."

"Yes," Natsu said cheerily, "and now we're going up against a whole group of them. So…"

"Why, you little–"

"O-kay," Erza interrupted, giving them both hard looks. "Let's stay focused. Natsu, quit antagonizing Gray."

Natsu pouted, and He subsided with great reluctance, his glare not wavering. Lucy sighed, Happy muttered something under his breath, and Lyon snickered. He didn't deign to respond to any of it.

"I'm just saying–" Natsu started. "Hey, what's that?"

A flash of brilliant red broke the dull brown of the landscape, scales shining brightly in the sun.

"Wyvern," Happy said unnecessarily.

The team raced forward and found the wyvern crouched behind a thorny shrub as it tore greedily into an unrecognizable carcass. Its head spun around, and it peeled its lips back from its bloodstained muzzle in a snarl.

Erza was already moving lightning-quick, swords flashing as she requipped. He darted a look around at the surrounding area, trusting she'd be fine on her own, to check for any other stray beasts coming their way. There was supposed to be a whole colony nesting here, and it would be all too easy to get mobbed.

He saw no more wyverns coming to their solitary companion's aid, and Erza was already ducking around her prey's snapping jaws and slashing claws to drive her sword into its heart. …But the earsplitting screech it let out before falling to the ground would undoubtedly bring the horde down on them.

"Wait!" Natsu cried. "Do we have to kill them?"

Erza looked back, baffled, her sword dripping red with blood. The wyvern, young and inexperienced and caught by surprise, lay in the dust with a pool of crimson seeping into the thirsty ground around it. Its glassy eyes stared blankly.

"Yes," she said. "Normally I might try to just drive them out or relocate them, but…they've been eating people, Natsu."

There was barely enough prey out here to feed one wyvern, much less an entire colony. He didn't want to look too closely at the dead wyvern's last meal, just in case.

"But they're like little dragons," Natsu mumbled, looking thoroughly unsettled.

"And they're dangerous," He said tiredly. "Once they've started eating people, it's too late. Once a monster has a taste for human flesh, it's awful hard to redeem it."

His shadow twitched on the ground, wriggling and squirming. Me?

"Yes, you," He said. It squirmed some more, a dark cloud fogging the corners of his mind as it sulked. "What are you so upset about? You're the one who's always all 'kill, destroy'."

It was unhappy about something, although He'd be damned if He understood it. It had been acting oddly since his last Awakening, prime examples being the trial and after his hallucination with Mavis and Zeref. That didn't make him trust it any more.

"Gray?" Lucy asked cautiously. "Are you–?"

"Let's go find the rest of them," He said, plodding on through the scrubland as He studiously avoided looking at the carcass. All the animals would have to be put down, and He wasn't looking forward to the carnage. "Come on, little beastie."

His shadow, having limited mobility options, obediently followed at his heels. His friends had a little more flexibility, but followed even though He could practically feel the looks they were exchanging.

They didn't make it far before another red-scaled wyvern appeared from behind a low outcropping of rocks stretching across the dusty ground in the distance. It circled high above and screeched loudly.

"And here they come," Happy muttered, his fur fluffing out.

They readied themselves for the onslaught, every eye following the wyvern as it wheeled around and swooped back toward the rocky ridge.

"Should we go after it?" Lucy wondered.

He shook his head. "I bet their nests are back behind that ridge. Following them over there will give them the home-field advantage. Anyway, I have the feeling they'll be coming to us soon enough…"

The scouting beast above let out another piercing cry, relaying the news of its nestmate's demise. His suspicions were confirmed when eight or nine wyverns exploded from behind the rocks to join the one winging through the air.

"This sucks," Natsu muttered. Which showed how disturbed he was by the situation, given that usually he enjoyed a good fight.

But killing had an added permanence, and…He understood. The beasts were majestic, scales glittering bronze and emerald and ruby on their powerful wings and wiry bodies, and it was a shame to cut them down. But He also had little tolerance for threats and man-eaters, of which these were both. They reminded him a bit of himself, if a little more majestic and colorful, and that was why they had to die.

The wyverns cut through the air like jeweled lightning, crying out in fury as they descended on the mages en masse. And then everything was chaos as the beasts snapped at their chosen targets.

He spun nimbly away from the claws of a copper-scaled wyvern and threw ice at the indigo one behind him. The latter backed off, at least momentarily, but the former lashed out again without a second's hesitation, teeth snapping and claws outstretched.

He threw up an ice shield to keep off the one behind him and launched curses at the attacking one while his hands were occupied with the molding. And…nothing happened.

He froze, staring uncomprehendingly at the outstretched claws racing toward him. His curses, right, He was having trouble with them. He shouldn't have relied on them. The failure left him reeling, and a precious second dragged by before He realized that He needed to mold now or get eviscerated.

He threw his hands up desperately, knowing it was too late but instinctively trying to protect himself. Lyon slammed hard into his side, and the two men went rolling through the dust as the wyvern crashed into the ice wall meant to keep its companion at bay.

"What the hell, Gray?" Lyon growled, scrambling back to his feet and launching his own ice at the marauding beasts. "Get your head in the game."

"Sorry," He mumbled.

He couldn't risk trying to rely on his curses anymore. And He should have known better before, but it was so second-nature to call on them when He needed them, even though He'd been avoiding them after his Awakening had shaken his trust, that He'd done it automatically. It was a mistake that could have easily left him maimed or dead, and He didn't want to repeat it. Ice it was.

He fell in beside Lyon and slammed ice into the rosy-scaled wyvern that had picked up an interest in his friend. He could still fight, even if He felt exposed and vulnerable without a very important line of defense that He'd come to rely on.

"You're not going to help either?" He muttered to his shadow.

It twitched and pulled itself up with great reluctance to tangle in the legs of the red-scaled wyvern from before as it went careening past. He kept a wary eye on it as He and Lyon systematically took down the beasts harrying them. The shadow slashed and clawed, but didn't deliver the killing blow. That was unusual, since it was usually all too eager to kill things as brutally as possible and cause maximum destruction. Although it had been acting strangely subdued since the Awakening…and maybe it was his fault too, because He was keeping it on as tight a leash as possible. Maybe He should let it go to do its own thing, but…He didn't trust it.

He spun away as the copper-scaled wyvern fell to the ground beside the rose and indigo ones, and drove a spike of ice through the neck of the red wyvern his shadow was harassing. He looked on grimly as the creature collapsed and his shadow curled about his feet again.

The earsplitting war cries and clatter of weapons on scales had died down, and He looked around to see his friends standing in the midst of the carnage with grim faces. Maybe they had all underestimated what this job would take out of them.

"That sucked," Natsu said finally. "Can we go now?"

The blood congealed in pools on the hard-packed ground, staining their boots and the once-bright scales of the savaged beasts. The air was thick with the heady, stomach-turning stench of iron. The thought crossed his mind that this was his domain, death and destruction and savagery, and his friends didn't belong here. He shook his head fitfully and tore his eyes away.

Instead, He focused on his hands. A frown tugged at his lips as He set to work teasing out the shadows.

"We need to check their nesting site," Erza said, subdued. "And probably stake it out in case there were others out hunting or anything."

"What if there are babies?" Natsu asked. "Do we have to kill those too?"

The shadows weren't cooperating. They slid away like oil on water whenever He could touch them at all. Either they slid right out of his grasp or stayed steadfastly still and resistant to his attempts to control them.

"Depends," said Erza. "If they're young enough or there are eggs, we might be able to find a way to rehabilitate them. But honestly…most of them will have learned from their parents already, and we can't risk sending them somewhere where they'll kill more people."

His hands trembled as He clenched them, white-fisted. He couldn't do it. He wanted to laugh, but not because it was funny.

"Hey, Gray?" Lucy asked. "Are you alright?"

"Fine," He said shortly.

"You've been weird," Lyon added, unimpressed. "And what was with freezing earlier? When's the last time you just froze in a fight like that?"

He shook his head and looked away, swiping a hand in one last halfhearted attempt. It did absolutely nothing.

"It's nothing," He said.

Lyon was watching him with narrowed eyes and clearly wasn't buying it. "Wait, are you having trouble with your curses? They were acting up earlier too, weren't they? With the kid?"

"Of course," He hissed, kicking a rock in frustration and immediately regretting it when it set his toe throbbing. "Screw it. Ice it is."

"Whoa, something's up with your curses?" Happy asked. "When did that start?"

"A while ago, I assume, although it didn't become an issue until today."

"Since your Awakening," Natsu said, and it wasn't quite a question. His eyes were serious, and unhappy understanding was written into every line of his face.

"I don't doubt it. I've been avoiding them since then, and it looks like they're kicking up a fuss now. I'm sure it's been a problem from that point, even if I didn't entirely notice."

"But you've been using your shadow to do stuff," Lucy protested.

"That's different."

You can't own the shadows if you don't let them own you.

"I know what I said," He growled to the shadow at his feet. He had said it to the other shadow mage and it had been true, and He was too afraid to let the shadows own him now.

Let us in.

"What?" Erza asked.

He shook his head hopelessly. "It's who I am. I can only own the shadows if I let them own me too."

Why so afraid? Always running away.

"You don't trust them anymore," Natsu said.

"Did I ever?" He asked sourly.

"Maybe not like that, but you trusted them to do what you wanted them to. But you were Awake and you lost control of them, and now you're afraid to open yourself up to them again. You don't trust them, and you don't trust yourself."

He wanted to laugh again. "Got it in one. Awfully perceptive for once."

"I remember my lessons," Natsu said with a shrug. "It's only what you told me about myself. But you helped me work things out, so you can fix things again too."

He considered it. He had said He would try to get better, so should that include working things out with his curses and shadow? But on the other hand…maybe this was an opportunity.

He didn't like who He was with them, so maybe getting better involved cutting them out. They had plagued him for a long time, and this was the perfect opportunity to shut them down for good.

"I don't think so," He said. "I've been trying to get rid of them from the beginning. Ice will be enough."

He washed his hands of the struggle and turned away from the recalcitrant darkness. His friends were watching him with varying expressions, but none of them looked happy.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Lyon cautioned. "If they're part of who you are–"

"It'll be fine."

"Seriously, he's right," Natsu said. "If I could figure things out, then you can too."

He started forward and pushed past them, trudging with grim determination toward the rocky ridge where the wyverns had been encamped. "We'd better go do the cleanup and make sure we got them all."

"But–"

"Seriously, let's worry about the problem at hand first."

He refused to look back at the scene of his failure or down at the darkness following behind him. The relief of escaping the shadows was crushing, a breath of fresh air, and He valiantly tried to ignore the knowledge that He was not escaping but running away.


Note: Oh, Gray. *facepalm* But still, at least he's acting a little more like himself? Although I notice he has a habit of oversimplifying things when he gets really blunt lol Anyway, starting to set up some things for the loose ends among the non-guild to be wrapped up by the end. (Ha ha, that's an oversimplification too. I start setting stuff up forty chapters in advance -smh-) Also, excuse the excessive blatant symbolism and metaphors. By now you must have realized that I can't help myself lol

emmahoshi: Yup, I originally wanted to ignore Lyon's team as much as possible, but they presented an interesting opportunity to act as foils for Lyon and to explore different ways of coming to terms with Gray. Agree about irl situations, but this one is a little more extreme than most of those—it would be more like having your best friend suddenly making nice with the guy who murdered your family X) Well, if you suddenly found a big bad demon randomly carrying a toy dog around with him everywhere he went, you might comment too XD It would be pretty jarring. And yes, he does have a hard accepting his friends' positive feelings towards and about him, which has caused problems throughout the story. I was originally going to keep the Executioner as a one-note "bad guy" just whenever I needed Gray to interact with the Council/Knights, but I got interested in his story and ended up working with him more. And that's when he and Two decided to keep popping up everywhere, because I decided I liked them. Also, it'll be an added bonus if they and Gray can come to some kind of peace by the end, since he really needs to make peace with himself by making peace with everyone he hurt. Sorry, I'm way too into metaphors lol Yup, we're gonna make Gray and the shadows coexist by the end, so no ER visit required XD