A/N: Hello, my darlings! Do you still remember this? I have it in the back of my mind at all times, I know this is the one you usually wait for the most, aaaaaand I have a surprise, but also I gotta clear this up first.

I know it says pillows... it's not that much about pillows. *hides* BUT if you ever wondered what that emotional Linstead roadtrip from s3 was supposed to be like... LOOK NO FURTHER. I got you covered.

A never-ending thank you to my beta Sarah. At first I wanted to post this unbetad, because I felt bad for sitting on it, but also didn't want to pressure her, but as I was editing before, I'm glad I didn't, Because she makes my writing so much better. I'm so grateful.

And a huge thanks to all of you, who have left comments in this 3,5 month period between updates (I KNOW RIGHT? I'M HORRIBLE). I love you guys. Thank you.


Prompt #43: Pillows - "What about your pillows, babe?" –"I don't need them anymore."

Word count: 2,520


"I can't believe you won't let me drive."

The familiar complaint was voiced over the obnoxiously loud music Jay insisted they needed on their road trip. They had been on the road for less than an hour, and he had already lovingly nagged at her twice.

"You can drive when I get tired," she promised him, lowering the volume of the music by pressing the button on the steering wheel. Jay leaned over to the dashboard and raised it again—something they've been doing since they got into the car. "At least find something decent to blast."

"What are you talking about, this is my flash drive."

Erin glanced at the radio, and true enough, the familiar flash drive was connected to it. She should have known anyway—her boyfriend's music taste was not one of his finest qualities.

"Thank god Voight doesn't know your music taste, he never would have signed off on us."

"I honestly think he would have done anything to make you happy."

Erin shrugged dismissively. "Maybe."

"What was it like? Growing up with him?" He asked, knowing they had hours left on the road, and it would be nice to spend that time talking about things they didn't know about each other yet. Steering the conversation away from his music taste was just an added bonus.

Erin sighed and lowered the volume again. This time, Jay didn't complain or move to change it.

"It was interesting. I mean I can barely say I grew up with him—he only took me in when I was sixteen. I was basically an adult."

"He gave you his card?"

Her eyes still on the road, she nodded. "I was his CI for a while. He gave me his card, told me that there was a way out if I wanted it. At first, I found the idea ridiculous and I never planned on calling. But for some reason, I kept that damn card. And when I got into some trouble… well if we're talking, I might as well tell you the whole story. You saw my file anyway, right?"

Jay nodded, trying not to recall the picture of the hopeless girl he saw in there. Trying not to think about the mugshot, the charges, the aliases, the story surely hidden behind each of them.

"I was pretty much on my own by that point. Bunny had stopped coming home all together, and when she did, she was so high she was of little help. She would usually grab whatever valuables she could pawn and then she'd be off for weeks at a time. I was hanging out with all the wrong people, and Charlie—you remember Charlie, right?" Jay nodded, his expression serious. "Well Charlie was definitely one of them. He kept the heat on and the food on the table, but he expected certain things in return. Nothing was ever free with Charlie. So one time, he set this deal up with his buddy, and I couldn't exactly say no. If he left, I'd starve."

"Erin, you don't have to…"

"It's fine. If you hadn't ran before, you might now. Except you can't because you're in a car. So the first time, it was just a hand job. I thought that would be it, so I did it. But there was another buddy, and another, until things started to progress. It's not exactly a part of my life that I'm proud about." She kept her eyes steadily on the road to avoid looking at his face, which in her mind was undoubtfully disappointed.

"I was… One day..." Her voice got strangled when she said it, unable to get the words out, and he made sure to reach over and squeeze the hand resting on her thigh reassuringly.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"The cops showed up. I got arrested for solicitation. I was released because I was a minor. But that was my second arrest. I had one for possession of weed, and if I got one more, I was done. So one day, me and Annie, we come home and we find a guy on the floor. We tried CPR, but none of us was particularly trained at it, and the guy was too far gone. So then we had a dead guy on our floor, and Charlie panicking. I was so sure I was gonna go to jail. My life had finally caught up with me. So, since I had no other choice anyway, I called Voight. I used that stupid card. Told him that if he got me out of it, I would work hard and get myself free from that life. And he came…"

"That's one hell of a story."

"Yeah, one that we're not telling our kids, ever," she told him with a hint of a smile.

"Our kids, huh?"

"Well that's if you aren't completely repulsed by me. I mean if Voight hadn't saved me, I would've ended up like Nadia."

"You saw yourself in her," he confirmed what he already suspected. It wasn't like her arrest for solicitation was news to him—he had seen her file. And hearing it in details was different, but he couldn't imagine anything she could ever tell him that would make him see her differently.

"Yeah. Anyway, Voight came, and he made it go away. He made Charlie go away. He and Camille were the first people who ever gave me something without expecting anything in return. He saw something in me."

"I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say. He was overwhelmed by instant gratitude he felt towards the man. The facts were there all along, but knowing exactly what Voight pulled Erin out of—he saw him from a whole new perspective. "I love you."

And I never expect anything from you. And I never want anything from you that you don't want to give.

But the words remained unspoken. Maybe the time wasn't right, he thought, but he would let her know if she didn't already.

"How can you? How can you even look at me? How could you possibly want me after this? After knowing I literally gave out sexual favours for money?"

"Erin…"

"All I'm saying is that I would understand if you bailed. If you didn't want me anymore."

Afraid of seeing the disgust in his eyes, she kept looking straight ahead. His voice was strangled when he ordered her to pull over.

"What?"

"Pull. Over."

Her heart was pounding in her chest. Was he going to break up with her here? In the middle of the abandoned side road they were forced to take because of the work they were doing on the interstate?

Then his hand was on the seat belt, and his lips were on hers and he was kissing her like a man on a mission. His hands tugged, until she unbuckled herself and straddled his lap, her lips moving with his, thinking if this is how they went out, it would hurt even more.

"Wait, what are…?"

Erin forced herself to pull away from the warm welcoming lips and signalled the need to stop by placing her palm flat on his chest. It took her a while to catch her breath, and her fingers lingered on her swollen lips, wondering what the hell was going on.

"I want you. I always want you." His hands moved up her back, slipping underneath her shirt to draw slow circles on her skin. "I want you all the time. It's a physical reaction I can't ever get rid of."

"But…"

"You did what you did because you were in an impossible situation and trying to survive. You weren't exactly dealt great cards in the beginning. But look at you now. Do you think when I look at you, I feel anything but pride that you took the one way out that was offered and became this amazing badass woman? You have baggage—who doesn't?"

She buried her face in the crook of his neck, where it was warm and safe and smelled like him.

"Don't cry. I love you. I am not walking out, Erin."

"I love you, too."

She let him behind the wheel after that, needing some time to recover her defences. They realized—with the interstate being closed and all—they would probably have to spend the night, so Erin confirmed it with Voight and booked them a room at a motel. The one-day road trip just became a weekend getaway neither of them anticipated. But maybe it was exactly what they needed.


"You're a pig."

"Emotional stuff makes me hungry," Erin mumbled, as audibly as she could with her mouth full of burger and fries. "This place is amazing. Good idea."

He couldn't even disagree. The burgers were some of best he's had, and he's had a lot of burgers in his lifetime. "We should get back on the road. Staying the night or not, I want to be there before nightfall."

Her eyes searched for his—he could feel her gaze on him, but stared straight ahead at his plate. It wasn't about anything she told him in the car. Or maybe, in some way, it was. Because he suspected that Erin pretty much told him everything there was to know about her past, which meant he needed to be honest with her as well. And there was something he never wanted her to know.


"You've been quiet," she said to him when they were back in the car. The meal and the emotional exhaustion made her cave in and let him drive the rest of the way. Besides, she couldn't complain about the occasional brush of his hand—the one he wasn't using to steer—on her thigh.

"Thinking about secrets of my own."

"I just meant to force you to spill the beans," she murmured, grinning softly. Her eyes were glued to the window, so she didn't see the shadows dancing on his face.

"Well there is something I've never told you. Or anyone."

Her initial instinct was to make a joke—ask him if he had an evil twin or something. But she stopped mid-sentence, turning her gaze back to him. "What is it?"

"I was back for good already when this happened, but I was still pretty messed up. I refused therapy, refused to talk to anyone about it. There was this funeral I went to, in Vegas. One of us didn't make it back, and that was kind of his wish, so we did it. We all got pretty hammered, and the next morning when I woke, I had a wedding ring on my finger."

"You're married."

She said it as a fact, as if it wasn't scandalizing and horrible. He cringed at the word and shook his head.

"I was. We got an annulment right after. It was a stupid drunken thing, it didn't mean anything."

"I know." The softness in her voice made it worse, and he just wished she'd tell him what she was thinking. Was she mad?

"I just thought since we're getting everything out in the open," he offered as an explanation and she nodded in reply.

"I'm glad I heard it from you." She paused for a moment. "Hey, Jay? You sure you don't have any babies out there too?"

"Shut up."

She giggled. "Just wondering."


"Is there anything else I should know?" She asked, since it had become their whole road trip thing. They had a little over an hour left, and the sky had turned a pretty pink colour, illuminated by the last rays of sun. They stopped for gas and she snatched the keys out of his hands, reclaiming her spot behind the wheel.

"Well, you know most of it already. I was this scrawny kid in school, unable to stand up for myself. It filled my dad with rage that I wasn't a real man. He was never happy with me. He and Will had some problems as well, but it never got as bad. So as soon as I could, I left. I thought I was finally free, but I think a part of me chose the military because I thought I'd finally be a man in his eyes. I mean what's manlier than a soldier? I was good with the gun, it made sense at the time. When I still believed in the war we were fighting. I killed people there. Guilty or innocent—who the fuck knows? When you're over there you just follow orders.

"Sometimes I dream about you getting shot, because it's what I deserve. I took other people's loved ones away, so I deserve the same."

He blinked through the tears, about to ask why she stopped the car at the curb, but then she launched herself at him best as she could, crushing their lips together in a breath-taking kiss. Her lips moved like their only purpose was to erase the pain until there was none left, and for a moment he really thought they might have healing abilities, those lips of hers.

"I love you. You fought the war for our country, Jay, and whatever your actions were following orders, I know that you fought for something you believed in at the time, because that's what you do every day now. You go to the streets and risk your life for something you believe in."

You're a good man.

"We're quite a pair, huh?" He asked, resting his forehead against her head, finding the position comforting.

"Oh, yeah."

"Not that I'm not enjoying this, but we need to get to the hotel."

Because she deserved so much better than a car, he thought, trying to think of something other than her lips on his.


"There are not enough pillows. I don't know how I'm gonna sleep."

"Here," he gave her his pillow, nudging her affectionately. It left him without any, but he didn't mind. Overseas, he's had worse sleeping arrangements. Besides, she was pressing up against him, still wrapped in the sheet, still warm from his touch, so he was unable to deny her anything.

"Thank you," she murmured. "I'm glad we took this road trip. I know it was for work, but I feel like we… I don't know, connected."

"Yeah. Same here."

"And if that didn't send you running, then probably nothing will," she came to a conclusion with a content sigh. Her past wasn't something she thought about every day, but it still lingered in the background, threatening to expose itself. The relief that came with telling him—with realizing he still loved her and wanted her, was a high of its own that no drug could ever duplicate.

"I'm here."

And perhaps it was Erin's subconscious finally getting rid of the fear that he'll leave, or the newly-found intimacy between them, but that night, her head found that the best pillow in the world was the chest of the man she loved. And no pillow could ever come close to the comfort offered by the steady beating of his heart.


A/N2: SOOO, yeah, my version of the roadtrip, with loads of confessions, kisses, and other cute stuff. Did you like it? Which part did you like the most?

I made most of Erin's story up, including bits and pieces we got from the show. Just in case anyone was wondering.