I'd just like to thank everyone again for 50,000 hits. You guys are fucking awesome, thanks a lot for supporting the story, and I hope you'll all continue to stick around for even more chapters.
Derpédex Chapter 53: Porygon
Now here's a weird one. Porygon, in case you didn't know, is the first completely man-made Pokémon. It is composed entirely of programming code and looks like a pixelated bird. As you can probably tell on your own, it's weird as fuck.
The first thing you need to know about Porygon is its history. One day, a bunch of scientists were sitting around, possibly drinking heavily, when one of them wondered aloud if it was possible to create life. The other scientists threw beer cans at him for being a retard and got back to dissecting genitalia, since that's what scientists do. Eventually, they sobered up and realized that the first scientist had a point, and everyone decided to try and create life. Someone pitched the idea to use programming code, and long story short, somehow Porygon was born. Don't ask for specifics, because I couldn't tell you about them since I was at home playing video games at the time, not watching them create life.
Now that Porygon's history has been established, we can discuss it like everything else, by which I mean question why the fuck certain things about it are the way they are. Why does it look like a bird? Why couldn't they have given it a cooler design, possibly one that isn't made out of N64 graphics? Where do all these new Porygon keep coming from? Surely, the company making them would have upgraded the design by now so it doesn't look like ass, and done so in a way that isn't just an evolution? If Pokémon can now be manufactured, why isn't everybody all over this shit, since it seems like an easy way to make money? For that matter, does this mean that the average teenage script kiddie can now make a Porygon in his basement, given enough free time? Why are its stats so fucking bad? Did the creators decide, for some reason, to make it completely mundane in every sense of the word instead of completely overpowered, like everybody would have wanted? If I upload a computer virus, will it make my Porygon sick? If so, do I need antivirus software in order to fix it, or will a Pokémon Center work just fine? For that matter, why the fuck is it healed by a Pokémon Center if it's a machine? Can you put anything in those things and have it come out fixed?
I think that's enough questions for now, you probably get the idea. To put it simply; this is confusing as fucking shit, dude. I feel less like the people who invented this thing considered all the variables involved with doing so and instead went with their guts on it, both because I find that prospect immensely hilarious and a more feasible explanation than the alternative, which is they actually considered every possible variable and wrote a script that accounted for each one. Shit, can you imagine how long that fucking script would be? My programming experience is limited to a class I took in high school, and even just getting a motor to spin at a certain speed took a third of the space on the screen. I can only imagine how it must have been coding this shit. And then going back through and fixing any possible errors in the code? It must have been a fucking nightmare.
You know, if they managed to successfully make a Pokémon, it couldn't have just come out perfect. There must have been some prototypes that failed first, unless the team that made Porygon was staffed by a bunch of fucking savants who never make any mistakes, ever. Personally, I find that hard to believe, so my question is this; where are the prototype Porygon models? They must be around here somewhere, unless the team behind them decided to deal with the issue before it presented itself and eliminated the failed subjects before they became a problem. Can't really blame them, since nobody would want a retarded sentient computer program running around, but it still feels quite sinister. I feel like I may have just unwittingly stumbled into a massive conspiracy, or something. If you don't hear anything from me in the next few days, don't call the police, since they're probably the ones who have kidnapped me and would be in the process of breaking my kneecaps and waterboarding me. Instead, take the shotgun I have under my bed and blast your way through the department in order to find me. If I'm not there, don't be alarmed, since it makes sense that they wouldn't keep me there because it's the first place anyone would look. Just spend the rest of your natural life hunting around the globe for me, I'm sure it will pay off eventually.
Now that I'm back from barricading my doors, we can continue with the discussion of this fucking thing. Porygon are capable of travelling through cyberspace and actual space, though only the first has any actual use in this day and age. Feel free to argue, but I simply cannot find a reason other than shits and giggles why anyone would launch a Pokémon into space, since everything it could do could also be done by a satellite without the need to edit code. So, what could cyberspace travel possibly be used for? Spying, of course! Though the information it gets from people's computers might be enough to make even the most elite of government agents want to gouge their eyes out, the ability is still useful. Perhaps even more useful is the ability to browse the internet at an incredibly fast pace. Of course, this is somewhat limited; it still requires an internet connection and a browser in order to work, and current browsers are so fast that it's hardly worth using at all, but still, it's a cool ability. It also lets you intercept those nude photos people are sending between each other, so go fucking crazy with that.
