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Chapter 50
Bang
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Sanji woke up to a cold bed. It didn't take long for him to process the blatant lack of body heat coming from his surroundings. It was a matter of sleepy disoriented seconds before he put two and two together and realized he was alone, even before opening his eyes. He palmed the mattress where he knew Zoro had fallen asleep last night, just to make sure but not holding much hope, and, indeed, he wasn't there.
It took him a while and concentrated effort, but he finally managed to peel his eyes open, only to reveal the predictable empty space of mattress by his side.
He was too sleepy to properly digest what was going on, but he could already feel a certain sense of dread take over him and weight down in his gut as he tried to listen for any sounds of Zoro perhaps being in the bathroom. He didn't hear water running, but he wouldn't have needed that extra check: Sanji's senses were sharp enough to know when other human beings were with him in a same room, and nothing screamed lack of presence more than that morning did.
"Marimo?" he tried anyway, if only to quell the inquietude settling in his chest.
No answer came, and at that point he wasn't surprised.
Whatever sleepiness was left within his confused brain was wiped away as he came to the full realization that Zoro had left somewhere along the night.
Sanji had woken up alone.
Zoro wasn't there.
He sat up and blinked at the rustled yet unoccupied sheets at his left, then looked around the room for good measure with a fast sweep of his eyes despite knowing there was nothing for him to find. Some part of him might have been expecting a note, something, explaining Zoro's absence, but there was nothing to calm Sanji's mounting anxiety, which was beginning to take the shape of you have fucked up.
He conjured last night's memories, not the ones of the act itself, which he was trying to keep at bay for they weren't helpful in the least, but the ones of the moments after, when Sanji had not so subtly shown his worry over Zoro having liked it or not and Zoro had told him it was great. He had even joked about it, and Sanji had been put to sleep with a light heart and little to no worries left in that hyperactive brain of his. Which now hit him full-force.
Where was Zoro? Why had he left? He knew, for a fact, that Zoro had enjoyed it, or at least that's what Zoro had promised him. But now he was alone with Zoro nowhere to be seen and he couldn't help but feel that he had, indeed, done something wrong.
Whatever good rest had done for him, it was now all gone, a strong feeling of dread taking over his emotions as he made it a point to act normally, take a shower and dress up to start the day. If he wasn't too slow he would make it in time to prepare everyone's breakfast; he had always been an early-raiser. All along, anxiety piled up behind his throat. He made up for his unease by acting as ordinarily and detached as he could, even when there was no one in front of him to prove himself to, except his own reflection in the mirror. Which was currently judging him as he shaved his cheeks so as to keep his beard neat and well-shaped. He had to stop mid-job, too nervous to act without risking a cut on his skin or an uneven patch of beard shaved off.
What had he done wrong?
Zoro leaving had to mean something. They never left without letting the other know, in one way or another. Hell, Sanji hadn't been a fan of staying at all when it had all started, but he had made it a point to at least be nearby because he knew Zoro felt reassured by that, especially after they had started going all of the way; hell, he'd gone as far as to indulge Zoro's cuddling attacks. He didn't understand what about Sanji staying made Zoro feel reassured, nor why something like that reassured someone like Zoro, but Sanji had picked up on that from pretty much the beginning. Once he was over the shock of discovering that Zoro, out of all people, was a major cuddler whose semblance with an octopus was minimal, Sanji had had the time and mental awareness to realize that Zoro did fall asleep way faster and deeper when Sanji was near. It was in the way he hovered around him when they were done, making his intentions to wrap himself around Sanji clear but leaving space for the chef to kick him away if that was what he truly wanted: those few seconds always carried a weird sort of expectancy with them, which lately had been morphing towards something close to tension, on the swordsman's end. Sanji didn't understand it, he didn't know where it came from, but he went along with it, and it had become routine of sorts that they would stay around after fooling around with each other, sleeping together when they had a chance, Sanji's initial reticence lost.
And, now… now Zoro was the one who had left, and Sanji kept demanding himself why, because he was assuming it had to be his fault. There had to be something wrong with how he'd handled Zoro last night if Zoro had felt the need to flee.
Fuck.
He shouldn't have asked. Zoro had reassured him that he wanted it, he had gone as far as to coax Sanji into it once the blonde had backpedaled, and Sanji had thought it was truly fine, but he should have known better. He should have stuck with Zoro's initial doubt and fear flashing through his eye; that should have made Sanji plant his foot down in denial when Zoro had insisted it was fine. He was most likely not ready for that. That, or Zoro had lied to him and Sanji had actually done a terrible job at taking care of Zoro when it had been his turn to do so.
Ah, shit.
He returned the room's keys at a smiling woman at the hotel counter and went as far as to swoon over her beauty and linger to kiss her hand, finding some sort of relief in routine and in acting like himself in front of someone that wasn't his knowing reflection staring back at him in the mirror.
The walk back to the ship was rather fast, with Sanji wishing to engage the distraction that cooking was to him, if only to take his head off things and cool down before he started thinking about how to tackle whatever had happened with Zoro. He needed to talk to the swordsman, that was for sure. Something had gone wrong. Halfway to the ship, he had already changed his mind. Perhaps he shouldn't talk about it at all, perhaps Zoro wanted it to be left alone, pretend whatever had gone wrong hadn't, for both their sakes and prides, but that left Sanji with the doubt of what on Earth he was supposed to do then. Not lay a hand on Zoro until Zoro made a move, that was for sure. He may not understand what was going on or how he had fucked up, but he understood that Zoro had needed space; there wasn't a clearer message signing at that than an empty bed when one wakes up.
Whatever the case, he couldn't do anything until he at least got a glimpse of Zoro's expression and reactions, so he would have to wait it out, and stressing over it until then wasn't going to do his heart any favours. He swallowed the dread down as he sky-walked his way up to the ship, the soles of his shoes thumping against the deck's grass once he landed. He stared at the closed galley door, unsure. There is nothing more disorienting than waking up alone and not knowing what you have done to mess things up, he thought, because it had been a while since he'd felt that lost or in lack of confidence. It didn't help that his stomach was in a perpetual state of dropping with anxiety.
Why was this affecting him so much? No one could tell by looking at him – Sanji had a strong mask in place after all – but, inside, he was at the verge of truly freaking out despite his very rational reminders that he needed to chill.
And perhaps he could have worked his way around his nerves if the image that greeted him once he entered the galley hadn't been Zoro sleeping with his head nestled in his arms, his weight leaning on the counter.
Well.
Off to a beautiful day he was, with the way this morning was going.
Nerves got mixed with both annoyance at having been left alone and guilt at being sure it was his own fault. It was a turmoil of emotions he didn't know how to deal with, much less when the urge to run his hand through Zoro's strands soothingly, apologetically – affectionately – hit him like a punch in the face. He may have indulged if everything inside him hadn't decided on not touching a single hair of Zoro's until the swordsman gave him the go.
He stood there, stomping down his anxiety and deciding on what to do. He considered waking him up, but there were dark circles beneath Zoro's eyes, and the man was snoring rather softly, which meant it wasn't that long since he had managed to fall asleep, and Sanji felt guilty enough to allow him to continue sleeping. Whatever he had done wrong, he owed him that at least.
Sanji left the galley door open so that the early morning breeze could ventilate the room and warm sunrays made their timid way into his working space. It was safer like this; Sanji wasn't sure he would know how to deal with this once Zoro woke up if they were both locked inside a closed room, and he wanted to leave Zoro a tangible way out if he needed one. He ignored the voice at the back of his mind telling him that if Zoro wanted to avoid him that much he wouldn't have fallen asleep in the galley of all places; it rather looked like he might have been waiting for him… – yes, right. What a load of bullshit.
Zoro had been drinking, Sanji noted. Quite a lot, if the empty Terevera bottle was anything to go by. He frowned at a second glass laying on top of the counter next to his. Oh. He'd been drinking with someone. Amidst his guilt, Sanji felt something akin to a flare of anger. So, Zoro had wanted space badly enough that he had left Sanji alone after his first time topping, leaving him to feel like shit in the morning as he tortured his brain over what he had done wrong, knowing how insecure Sanji had been about this, but he hadn't minded sharing a drink with – with who? Sanji was fast to stomp that feeling down. That line of thought was just petty. He had no right to be angry, he told himself. Well, perhaps he did have the right to feel annoyed, but whatever had happened was on him or so he assumed, so he'd have to prioritize guilt and humbleness over selfish unfulfilled desires. Wait. Had waking up by Zoro's side been a desire of his at all? If it didn't mean anything to him, why was it affecting him so much?
He stood at the other side of the counter, staring at Zoro's sleeping figure long and hard, trying to figure him out. He wanted to ask. He wanted to ask what had gone wrong so bad, but he had a feeling that pressing wasn't going to be a good idea, so he kept it in, sighed, and steeled himself. He grabbed the empty bottle to recycle, then collected the empty glasses and proceeded to wash them in silence, trying not to make them clink so as to not disturb Zoro's slumber.
And Zoro must have been in need of sleep, because he didn't stir until Sanji had everything ready and was chopping vegetables as quietly as he could. Sanji's back was to Zoro the entire time in an attempt to put some distance between himself and the problem at hand, but he heard it clear as day when Zoro shifted and let out a groan. Sanji focused on the vegetables. Act normal, he told himself. Don't let him see this has affected you, act normal, like it's not a big issue. He needed to act like that if he wanted Zoro to relax around him, he couldn't let it show that he was angry and hurt – hold on, why the hell was he hurt? He didn't have the right to be… right?
More groaning and grumbling followed, the sort of whining that foreshadowed an annoying hangover. Sanji kept chopping vegetables, and suddenly the shifting and groaning stopped altogether and Sanji realized Zoro must have noticed him.
He contemplated ignoring him and giving him a window to flee without an exchange of words, but he came to the conclusion that that wasn't normal at all, and he was aiming for normal. He risked a detached glance over his shoulder and found Zoro staring at him like a deer caught in headlights.
Great.
This was going to go great.
He ignored the tug of dread in his stomach and went for a casual smirk that gave nothing away.
"Is it pain I feel you oozing?" he teased, sounding delighted. He had always been a good actor. "Hangover much?"
The familiar tone seemed to bring Zoro back to his senses, because his expression went from terrified to disgusted in three seconds, nose scrunching in regret and his head coming to rest on his hands as he groaned louder and longer. It was a sad, sad sound.
Sanji couldn't help the chuckle that left him, subdued by nerves and that permanent sense of dread hovering over him, but he let the vegetables be and left the room. He felt Zoro's head snap in his direction the moment he realized he was leaving, something aborted coming out of his mouth before he clacked it shut once he realized Sanji wasn't going to listen. That may have been rude, Sanji thought as he entered the infirmary. Zoro might have assumed Sanji had a problem with sharing a room with him; there had been something akin to urgent worry in his expression as he'd watched him leave. When he came back to the galley Zoro was still there, looking confused, tense, and sort of wary as he followed Sanji's trip back to the counter with his eye.
Zoro was appraising him, Sanji realized. The blonde was having trouble reading him, surprisingly enough. It's like Zoro had this very careful wall built around him to keep his brain away from wandering eyes, which had never worked with Sanji but was starting to take its toll. He hadn't been able to read him properly last night either. He didn't know what he was missing, but Sanji was aware that he was missing something. Still, if he had to take a guess, Zoro was currently trying to gauge Sanji's reaction to waking up on his own, if the spark of guilt behind his pupil as he stared back at him was anything to go by.
Well. If Sanji's mask was as much in place as he thought it was, Zoro would have a hard time reading him too, which rendered them both wobbly in their assessments as to how to approach this. Sanji decided to make this a little bit easier by stomping down his anxiety and doubts and whys in exchange of giving some semblance of vibe that told Zoro he could relax.
He'd been standing in front of Zoro on the other side of the counter for a few seconds as he mulled this over, and Zoro's gaze was getting tenser and more apprehensive by the second. That would not do.
Sanji smirked and leaned forward, elbows supporting his weight against the wood as he came closer to Zoro and raised a fist between their faces, which Zoro eyed warily. Next thing Zoro knew, Sanji was showing him and aspirin held between his thumb and his index finger and nonchalantly tipping his wrist towards Zoro as an offer.
Zoro seemed surprised. His stare went from the pill to Sanji's smirk and back a few times, almost as if he was expecting an underhanded attack.
"You are welcome," Sanji said as he let the pill drop from his fingers, which Zoro predictably caught despite the lack of warning, even with his hangover clouding his senses.
Sanji resolutely straightened his back, ignoring Zoro's puzzled expression, turned around and filled a glass of cool water before placing it in front of Zoro, small droplets condensing against the glass. They didn't exchange words as Zoro dug a hole in his face trying to figure him out and Sanji pretended he didn't notice, going back to giving his back to Zoro as he chopped vegetables. He heard Zoro swallow the pill along with the entire glass of water, a pained groan following.
Sanji made it a point to roll his eyes to the ceiling despite Zoro not being able to see him, and he debated for two seconds before stopping his work to refill the glass without Zoro asking, looking for all the world like a very disappointed, very much done, paternal figure.
"You know that drink doesn't settle well with you, yet you insist on downing more of it than it's generally recommended, are you a masochist?" he jabbed, because there was only so much coexisting they could do without one of them throwing jabs around, tension or not.
Zoro glared at him, and Sanji thought that was much better than the swordsman looking afraid of him. Zoro shouldn't be looking afraid of him. How had they even gotten there?
"Shut up," Zoro growled, massaging his temples but drinking the offered water anyway.
Sanji resumed work, but instead of chopping vegetables he sliced an apple and offered Zoro a plate with the carefully peeled pieces.
"Eat this for now, see if your stomach can handle it. It's pretty mild so it shouldn't be too bad."
Zoro was bewildered, Sanji noted. He ignored it, as much as he ignored the uncertainty of the situation or his own need to explode and demand why.
He was throwing the chopped vegetables in boiling water when Zoro finally spoke up. Sanji expected an excuse for him to go shower, something to get away from there, but that's not what he got.
"You aren't mad?" came Zoro's searching voice.
Sanji's movements stilled for a second before he gathered himself and pushed the remaining pieces of vegetables from the cutting board towards the pot with his knife. Mask in place, he firmly reminded himself. Don't make a big deal out of this in front of him.
"No," he responded, simply and to the point.
He made it a point to stare right at Zoro's eyes as he wiped his hands on his apron, making sure the message reached brain tissue.
Zoro was staring back at him, just as wary as before, but his shoulders dropped at the answer, and then he just looked lost and confused.
"Is the apple staying in your stomach?" Sanji asked with a head gesture towards the pieces of apple left on Zoro's plate. "Do you feel like throwing up at all?"
Zoro stared at him longer, something behind his good pupil shifting to something Sanji still couldn't read for the life of him, which unsettled him, because whatever it was it made both his insides soften and his stomach drop. Zoro had been staring at him like that a lot recently, mixed with whatever more obvious expressions took over his face, and Sanji still couldn't pinpoint what it was. He just knew it made him feel both warm and anxious, but that was about it. Warmth. Was that what Sanji was seeing at the moment, coming from Zoro?
"No. I think it's fine."
Sanji nodded, satisfied with both the answer and the sense of semi-normalcy he'd managed to create despite everything inside of him feeling unsettled.
"Good. How's your head?"
A scowl. "Not great."
Which meant he probably felt like someone was slamming his cranium with a hammer, but Sanji thought he still looked quite put together. It was Zoro after all.
"Are you dying?" he asked, tone neutral.
Zoro frowned deeper. "What? No."
"Then get your ass to the sink and wash all of this while I cook, will you."
"Oi!" Zoro protested.
Sanji turned fully to face him, giving him an attitude. "Oi, what? Next time you fall asleep in inappropriate places don't do it in my kitchen where you know I will make you help, hangover or not. If you're not clever, you deal with it. Come on, get moving."
Zoro glared at him and Sanji, through his well-hidden nerves, thought he almost had it: that beloved sense of normalcy he needed to bring back if he wanted Zoro to feel at ease at all after having given him reasons to flee. If only he knew what those reasons were.
What have I done? his mind kept asking as he watched Zoro grudgingly obey and walk to his side before getting to work. Sanji did his thing, and so did Zoro, and the silence would have been natural and companionable hadn't there been a very noticeable elephant in the room. To Sanji it was the anxiety and doubt ingrained in him after waking up alone without answers, to Zoro… he didn't know, but the swordsman sure as hell was closing up at alarming speed. When had that started? A few weeks ago, Sanji reckoned, but he couldn't quite pinpoint the moment nor a reason, and it bothered him. It had definitely gotten worse after last night, so now he was convinced it was something he had done, and it was driving him mad. He stared at Zoro from behind his bangs as he cooked. What have I done? He found that Zoro was also side-eyeing him and his heart skipped a beat the moment they made eye contact, the tension mounting despite his efforts to normalize the situation.
It wasn't working. If anything, it was doing quite the opposite. They were dancing around each other on the tips of their toes, trying to figure the other out, and the tension kept escalating by the second, their shared silence pregnant with Sanji's whys and Zoro's hidden truths.
There was a point where it was unbearable enough that Sanji abandoned all pretense of normalcy, his hands stopping in their familiar motions. His tone came out way too soft and guilty when he finally built up the courage to ask out loud, his heart beating faster than it had any right or logical reason to.
"Did I do something wrong?"
Zoro didn't drop the pan he was washing, but his hold did falter and it clanked against the sink, water coming near to splashing the front of his shirt. He cursed, suddenly looking unsettled and nervous as hell, and he scrambled to shut the tap off. Sanji watched him without knowing what to do with that reaction, and then Zoro was whipping his head towards him, expression weirdly determined amidst his minor freak out session.
"No."
It was such an honest answer, so fierce and full of passion and of 'don't you dare assume that', that Sanji didn't know how to react to that other than by muttering an 'okay' and swiftly going back to work, trying to suppress whatever was building momentum inside of him. Relief? No, it was something else. There was still dread there, he recognized it; some part of it didn't believe Zoro's words in the slightest although another tried to hold onto Zoro's reassurance with everything he had.
Zoro's hands grabbed his shoulders and forced his body to face him. Oh. He knew Sanji wasn't buying it, if the desperate expression on his face was anything to go by. Why did Zoro look guilty? Surely it was Sanji who had given him reasons to leave?
What reasons?
"Sanji, look at me," Zoro prodded, voice steady and pointed despite the way he was frantically searching Sanji's attention with his eye, with the way he had demanded it by using his name. "You didn't do anything wrong, you hear me?" He almost sounded aggressive in his convincing, like he needed Sanji to believe something that, to him, was a monumental truth. "Nothing at all."
A monumental truth he hadn't backed up with actions.
Sanji did his best not to sound petty or accusing when he spoke next, and he forced himself to keep his eyes on Zoro's.
"Then why did you leave?"
Why did you leave me alone?
He didn't sound petty, nor did he sound accusing. He sounded rather matter-of-fact, but his voice came out as weaker than he would have liked, and charged with a lot of unveiled guilt and self-doubt he didn't manage to disguise.
Zoro's eye widened and his mouth opened and closed several times, hands tightening around Sanji's shoulders. If it had been a hint before, guilt was now taking a first-row seat in Zoro's expression, as well, as he tried to gather his thoughts. That and a good dose of… of what? Fear?
Sanji's stomach dropped. Not that. Please don't let it be fear. Sanji wasn't supposed to inspire that on the swordsman, he was supposed to… supposed to what? Ah, fuck, this was confusing, and his heart was beating too fast for him to process things.
"I was… overwhelmed," Zoro managed after a few seconds, sounding equal parts ashamed and guilty.
Something about that statement hit the blonde like a slap in the face. Sanji stared at him, both confused and immediately understanding. He understood. He had been overwhelmed the first time as well, and some of the times that followed the first. But he hadn't left. Zoro had needed the reassurance of him staying, and he had stayed. He could understand, he could relate, he had been there, but it still didn't make that feeling of having messed up go, nor did it make disappear the petty resentment clawing at the back of his mind that he had been left alone when Sanji had stuck around countless times before.
"It's fine," he said, careful, masking whatever emotions where battling inside of him. There were a lot of them and they were there for different reasons, not all recognizable, but he didn't bother to decipher them nor did he bother to acknowledge them or let them be seen.
The way Zoro was staring back at him gave away that he wasn't buying Sanji's nonchalance, but he didn't question it either. They both knew Zoro was hiding something himself, so he didn't have the right to pry when Sanji's own reservation started playing a part in their interactions.
Both their gazes met in a silent pleading conversation to understand the other and be understood but not read, in which they were sweeping too much towards home to either understand or be understood at all, and, suddenly, the elephant in the room morphed into an invisible tall looming wall between them which existence seemed to click in their heads at the same time, unforgiving.
Sanji's eyes widened a fraction as it hit him, and they seemed to be mirroring Zoro's own dawning realization written in his expression.
Shock.
Incredulity.
Reality knocking at their door.
There was a wall between them.
There was something between them Sanji didn't understand and Zoro wasn't about to give away, and Sanji didn't know what it was, but the mental distance they were currently at had never been so vast.
Oh.
Fuck.
Something plummeted inside of Sanji as he automatically stepped back out of Zoro's reach like Zoro was fire. Not because he understood what that unprecedented distance between them was made of, he wasn't even close to figuring it out if Zoro kept that goddamn wall around him, making Sanji rise his own in response, but because he realized that wall was there.
"Come on, finish doing the dishes," Sanji prodded, tone calm despite the fact that something was crumbling inside of him following the intial shock.
When the hell had that wall grown? It had never been there, and suddenly… hell, how on Earth was it this devastating a knowledge? Sanji was freaking out, he could recognize it in the way his own hands weren't steady as he went back to work while trying to keep a normalized façade that didn't give away the fact that they both knew there was something wrong there.
Zoro didn't say anything more. Sanji felt him waiting behind him for Sanji to look back at him or say something else, probably debating whether Zoro himself should say something in turn, but he ended up going back to his chores in a tense silence that told him Zoro had also noticed the shift.
There had never been a wall before.
There had never been a goddamn wall between them, for fuck's sake, where had it come from? Why was it eating at Sanji that way and driving him mad to the point he couldn't concentrate on anything but on the fact that something had to have gone utterly wrong somewhere along the way for this to have happened at all, and Sanji was mountingly convinced that it was his fault, that it was something he had done, and how the hell was he supposed to approach Zoro again when he had to walk around a goddamn mountain chain?!
He wanted to turn around and apologize for reasons he didn't know as much as he wanted to run away from the swordsman to have a chance to pretend the dread filling him by the second wasn't there.
His brain was fixed on the fact that, for how much Zoro had looked like he was trying to reach out to him in an attempt to shake the blame off Sanji, the swordsman had never felt more far away.
He swallowed and his shoulders slumped without him keeping the gesture in check. Zoro immediately raised his gaze from where he'd had it fixed on the cutlery he was washing; the movement hadn't gone unnoticed and Zoro was now staring at him with his eye widening by the second in alarm, his grip on a fork tightening. Sanji felt he was being watched, but he didn't acknowledge the fact, straightening and doing his thing in hopes that Zoro would stop trying to figure him out. He didn't have a reason to be feeling like shit just because Zoro was suddenly out of reach, impossible for him to read and looking on the wrong side of anxious. He shouldn't be feeling hurt, and probably not this guilty, but it was taking over his insides and now the only thing Sanji could do was try to keep the unwanted drama at bay and chill. He was sure that if he looked at this with a cool head the situation wouldn't feel as daunting; there had to be a reasonable explanation for the shift and there was no reason to freak out before he determined where the problem was.
His thoughts were interrupted with the telltale distant awakening ruckus that came with their captain coming back to the world of the living in the men's quarters, which gave Sanji approximately two minutes to barricade the galley. His eyes lifted towards the clock, and he realized he was late on preparations despite having arrived there earlier than normal. He wanted to kick himself. He was an idiot. He had been so worried over what was going on with Zoro that he hadn't been concentrating at all, which was highly unusual of him, and now he was late. He let out a groan, trying to think fast. Luffy waking up to an empty stomach wasn't to be taken lightly and Sanji currently had a short reaction span.
"How long will it take?" Zoro's voice snapped him out of his inner debate.
Sanji lifted his head and found that Zoro was staring at him as he dried his hands, calmer than he had looked before. Composed. The spark of wariness and caution behind his pupil didn't go unnoticed, though. Sanji tried to ignore it. He was clever enough to know that Zoro was attempting normal. And Zoro was clever enough to have noticed the delay in Sanji's timing, else he wouldn't have asked.
"Fifteen minutes," Sanji ventured, his voice coming out as long-suffering. The ruckus outside was growing by the moment. He could already hear Usopp protest at whatever Luffy was doing.
"Want me to keep him out?" Zoro offered. He sounded gentle, tentative, and just as lowkey wary as he looked. He was testing the waters, Sanji realized. Trying to see where they stood, if they were standing anywhere at all.
So Sanji wasn't the only one worried about the shift hovering between them. He hoped that meant they both would be trying to get over it and find common ground where it seemed like they had lost it somewhere in time Sanji couldn't yet identify. It was all so sudden that he didn't know if it had been going on for a while and realization had hit late or if it had truly been a direct snapping consequence of last night, which he hoped it wasn't because Sanji was already feeling like shit about it and he didn't deal well with guilt.
"You're hungover. Are you sure you can?" Sanji opted to answer, eyebrow raised in slight skepticism.
Zoro let out a small huffing smile, still tentative, like he wasn't sure if he should be smiling or not, but still there and looking like the doubt amused him.
"I don't train 24/7 so that a hangover keeps me from keeping my captain in check, cook," he countered. His tone was slightly more like him, slightly gruffer and deep as it should be, but there was the lingering iffy undertone to it.
The ground they were standing on was shaky and they both knew it. Sanji humored Zoro and pretended it wasn't an issue.
He pointed at the door with a challenging frown.
"Then do your job. He's coming," he informed at the same time a battle cry burst through the men's quarters' door without warning.
Zoro startled and cursed loudly before sprinting towards the open galley door, closing it shut with a backwards kick once he was outside. Sanji heard the thud that meant Luffy had bodily tackled Zoro against the door in an attempt to get them both, the door and Zoro, out of the way, but war sounds followed suit and Sanji knew Zoro was handling it effectively, although he was sure he would come out of this one worse for wear.
Sanji sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose, feeling inexplicably tired and drained. He needed to get a grip. Whatever was happening with Zoro he'd have to deal with it, but he couldn't let it affect his daily duties towards the rest of his nakama, nor should it be consuming him this much to start with. With Zoro out of the room it was easier to remain calm, although his heart was beating loudly with the anxiety of knowing that something he probably hadn't bargained for was happening between them which he still hadn't gotten a glimpse of.
He went back to cooking, but he had to pause at some point, forehead pressing against the cupboard in front of him as he tried to wave away the feeling of having fucked up. He didn't know what he had done, and it wasn't coming to him no matter how hard he thought about it, but he settled for the resolution of keeping his distance from Zoro. Not avoiding him; he had already seen how that worked after The Rock, but Sanji wouldn't be touching him or asking anything of him again until Zoro gave him the go, and if he didn't… well. Sanji didn't want to think about it.
The sudden flash of the possibility of this perhaps being over hit him. He didn't know why he had jumped to that idea so fast after what looked to be their first real issue in their relationship (although the only thing he knew is that there was an issue, not what it was), but it suddenly seemed like a very reasonable fear. A fear. Why was he fearing it was over?
I was… overwhelmed.
Oh. Replayed in his head it certainly sounded more like an apology preceding an 'it's over' than the first time he had heard it.
It shouldn't feel this wrong, nor should it make his heart go out of beat with apprehension. What had actually happened? Their communication had never been lower and there was a huge gap of uncertainty and unknown territory separating them as a consequence, and that meant Sanji truly didn't know where they stood or what this meant. He didn't know if it was a bad morning for the both of them which they would forget in a day (although he had a feeling it wasn't that), or if this would have more long-lasting consequences than he'd like to foresee because it was way bigger than the events suggested. The way it had unfolded, the situation itself hadn't been a drama, but he couldn't have imagined the shift he had sensed or the sudden barrier keeping them apart, and he was already dreading that it was the last possibility they were dealing with.
At some point he found himself blinking at the complete breakfast in front of him. The motions had been automatic despite how much his brain hadn't been in it. He hoped it tasted decent. He frowned at it. He had the feeling it would disappoint, which it never did. He tasted one of the dishes and his eyes widened in shock when he realized that he had been right. It was good, by all standards, but it wasn't his best, and his routine of making everything he cooked better day after day had been broken. He blinked again and went very still, the dread growing inside of him.
If that wasn't a sign that something was actually utterly wrong, that it wasn't just in his imagination, then he didn't know what was.
Fuck.
Zoro had Luffy on the floor and was currently sitting on his back, keeping his arms behind him with a knot (yes, he had learnt to use Luffy's rubber limbs against him, it was a matter of survival), which he kept in place in one of his hands as he watched Usopp sleepily discussing an idea for an invention with Franky in their wait for breakfast. The rest of the crew was crowding in front of the galley little by little, tired good mornings filling the air over Luffy's constant complaining.
"Would you keep it down?" Zoro growled as he glared at the back of his captain's head. He was being loud, and Zoro's headache, although much better after the aspiring Sanji had given him, rendered him in no condition to put up with it.
He felt eyes on him and raised his head to see Nami staring at him, but the galley door opened swiftly from the inside with Sanji announcing his usual biased call for breakfast and Zoro's heart skipped a beat, eye contact with the redhead breaking fast as his gaze fell on the chef. Luffy went weirdly still under him, but Zoro didn't notice. The raven-haired boy craned his neck to look at the swordsman with a barely-there frown. He had felt Zoro tensing above him the moment Sanji had opened the door, and he was sure as hell feeling his pulse speeding up where he kept Luffy's arms in his hold, and that was unusual enough that it caught his attention, but he didn't say anything.
Zoro sat there, staring at Sanji with an expression that was nothing like himself as the cook finished his rant and offered entrance to the ladies first. It was only for a second, but the moment he stepped aside for Robin to get past him, Sanji's eyes flickered towards Zoro in a hesitating manner that wasn't like Sanji either. Their gazes met and Zoro's nerves spiked, but then Sanji was out of sight as he went back in right after Nami, and Zoro held back a sigh. He let go of Luffy, who stood up with an automatic protest in his lips, and he didn't catch how his captain stared at him for a second in thorough study before barging in like a starved man. When he walked in his eye looked out for blonde, and he found Sanji trashing around with dishes and sauces like a bee, a familiar sight by now.
He tried to gather some self-control so as not to ogle Sanji like a goddamn stalker and proceeded to sit down, feeling weirdly underbalanced. It was as he raised his head that he found Nami staring at him like she had before coming in, and it took him a while, but he recognized her expression as worried. Flashes of last night passed through his mind, and he forced himself to keep his face neutral. Nami seemed to hesitate, eyes darting towards Sanji for a second. She had probably noticed the fact that Zoro had already been out and keeping Luffy away from the kitchen by the time they had woken up, so she probably knew Sanji and Zoro had already interacted that morning. When she made sure Sanji had his back to them and everyone was busy with conversation or protecting their food from Luffy, Nami looked back at Zoro and made a discreet 'ok' sign with her hand, eyebrows raised so as to make it clear that it was a question, her expression genuinely concerned.
Zoro's heart sunk as he remembered the exact moment where they had both realized the shift between them; he was sure Sanji had sensed it too, and it had hurt so much when he had stepped away from his hands like he was scared. Zoro had fucked up by leaving Sanji alone, he knew that much, but there was something else between them now, and Zoro didn't know what to do about it. It looked like Sanji didn't want to be touched and, for all the inner monologues about wanting to end things soon, the only thing Zoro had wanted to do was to hug him and apologize. He hadn't dared. He truly didn't know where they stood, and it had been sudden, but the shift had been obvious and he didn't want to tip them the wrong way, so he had shut up and tried to follow what he thought Sanji might want. Space. Silence. Time to digest whatever the hell had happened. Zoro knew it was his fault. Zoro knew what a huge chunk of the current barrier between them was made of, and that were his hidden feelings, but he couldn't make things easier to understand for Sanji by telling him, because in this case the truth would probably be worse than leaving things in the air.
He blinked when he realized he had spaced out, eye snapping back to where Nami was staring at him with open concern now. It was at that moment that he felt Sanji's chair being pulled back besides him and the cook sitting down, and he was suddenly very nervous. He tried to be discreet when he nodded towards Nami, trying to make her understand that he was alright, but there was a sudden knot in his throat and he diverted his attention to his food fast as lightning in an attempt to keep his composure.
Which broke once he tasted his breakfast. It was good. It could even be considered great by pretty much everyone's standards. But it wasn't Sanji-great. He stared at it in shock and then raised his head to stare at Sanji's profile, hidden by his hair. He could practically feel disappointment oozing from him, his head held down in shame.
Luffy was praising his food by yelling how good it was, and it wasn't an attempt to make him feel better but genuine praise that was coming out of his mouth, and Zoro realized that probably no one had actually noticed the difference. He felt Sanji flinch by his side when more of his nakama joined the adulation with a smile, unaware of how Sanji was feeling at all.
Zoro stared at Sanji's hand as the blonde ate in relative silence and dismissed the compliments with his kindest smile. His hand was trembling and Zoro's chest was hurting. Were things as wrong as his rational self was trying to convince him they weren't? How did he fix this? Fuck, Sanji was upset, it had shown in his cooking, and that was bad.
"It could be better," he said matter-of-factly, voice as nonchalant as it had always been, his inner turmoil hidden from the others behind a mask.
Sanji's head snapped to glare at him and Zoro risked a side glance to assess his reaction. He might look calm and detached, but he was a nervous mess and he was praying for Sanji's reaction not to be a bad one.
Their eyes met and Sanji's glaring intensified.
"You're an asshole," he chewed out.
Zoro shrugged.
Sanji sighed as he went back to his food, but Zoro felt him relax a tad by his side. His hand was clutching his knife in a vice, anxious, not sure whether that had helped or not. And then Sanji's knee bumped against his under the table. It was a fleeting moment, something Zoro wouldn't have noticed hadn't he been hyper-aware of Sanji's every movement, but it was there, and Zoro read it as Sanji acknowledging Zoro's gesture as the 'it's not a big deal, the meal is good' message that it was supposed to be; not tinted with pity and stating truths instead but still a show of support if Sanji needed it. Sanji seemed to have taken it. And Zoro took his own dose of support out of the knee-bump, relaxing in turn because it was apparent that things hadn't gone to shit yet, and perhaps everything was crumbling under the weight of hidden truths that kept piling day by day, but they were both ready to work through it, and that was good.
… was it?
Sanji didn't touch him for the next week and Zoro didn't dare touch him in turn.
It didn't feel like a passive-aggressive cold treatment of sorts; and it certainly didn't feel like they were both dying to run opposite ways like they have been after the kiss in The Rock, which they had handled poorly, but the wall of uncertainty between them both proved to be a long-term thing keeping them at bay. It's not that Sanji looked angry at him either; he didn't seem to have anything against him nor was he treating him with the absolute indifference only anger could cause, so Zoro figured waking up alone wasn't the core of the issue anymore, but rather the random (not that random, it had been a low blow on Zoro's part no matter how he looked at it) point in time in which things had suddenly crumbled down to show them that this wasn't as easy as any of them had assumed it was.
Instead of angry Sanji looked… guilty, and also pacifying. Like he wanted to set things right, but was waiting for Zoro to do something about it. It was as if… okay, it wasn't as much an intuition as it was a certainty at this point, but Zoro believed Sanji was letting things die down while cradling their nakamaship so that it wouldn't break in the process. He talked to him, they bickered, Sanji even smiled at him at times for something stupid, and it was genuine, and it felt normal. Normal as in before-The-Rock normal. When there was nothing but a strong nakama bond between them, when nothing was complicated and their relationship felt as easy as breathing. It was funny how after their first kiss they had been craving that sort of normal and never got close to grazing it; there was too much faking and putting up masks involved.
Now… now they weren't faking, not exactly. Zoro was hiding something huge, something that materialized into him wanting to say three words to the blonde when he saw him smile that way that made his nose crinkle; and Sanji was clearly taking a huge step back in their relationship, but it's as if they had realized that they didn't need to pretend that a deep bond remained, one that had been there from the beginning. Without the denial that their first kiss had carried, it was easy to see, and infinitely easier to fall back to the good sort of normal without particularly struggling for it.
And Zoro should have been happy. That's what he had been wanting all along. Things dying down peacefully with everything else remaining the same, like it was happening now, neither resentment or hard feelings flying around.
Except that it felt wrong.
Except that Zoro was an idiot, and he knew that's what was best for him and what he should be happy that he had been lucky enough to get without dirtying his hands, but he still wanted to touch Sanji. They didn't avoid each other in closed spaces, another difference from the whole after-The-Rock period. They didn't avoid each other at all, and they had been alone several times now. Just that they didn't kiss. Or touch. Or do anything to acknowledge that there had been something between them. And Zoro wanted to kiss him. And touch him. And have that something between them not go away.
It was stupid. He should be thanking his lucky star that this had played out so smoothly – if one forgot the fact that whatever had cracked between them hadn't done so in a smooth way and had his chest hurting instead.
Zoro was capable of rational thought. He was capable of discerning what was good for him and what wasn't, and this situation was objectively ideal to help him end what he'd been wanting to end.
Yet, he wanted.
It is in human nature, he thought; wanting what one can't have.
And perhaps things would have been easier if Sanji looked like he was simply done with all of this, if he looked like that critical morning of confusion and lack of communication between both of them had made him decide that this (whatever they had) wasn't worth as many complications and difficult morning-afters. But that's not how Sanji looked. Zoro had seen the longing in his eyes when he looked at him after a usual playful (aggressive to the outsider) argument or after a long companionable silence and the few shared laughs they'd had. He had seen him stare at his lips after a fight, only to snap them back up in realization and rush away from him. He had seen the restraint in those blue pools, and he wasn't blind or stubborn enough in his denial to not recognize that Sanji might have been wanting to touch him as much as Zoro wanted to be close to him again. Despite knowing he shouldn't.
Fuck. The best opportunity had presented to Zoro to let things go, yet his brain was plotting against him, thinking of ways to approach Sanji without the blonde kicking him away, evaluating whether he'd allow a kiss or not, debating how to make the sudden distance between them go away. Asking himself why Sanji still looked like he wanted to touch him. Asking why he didn't, when he should have been thankful for the opportunity he had been given.
"Are you okay?" Nami asked him one afternoon, sitting beside him on the grass.
Zoro frowned at her and proceeded to stare ahead. "This looks suspicious."
Nami raised an eyebrow. "What, you and me talking?"
"He'll notice," he grumbled, tense, because he knew where this was going, and his mind was set on Sanji (read obsessed) and he was afraid he'd see them both talking and start asking questions.
"I think you're paranoid. I just want to talk."
"You and I never talk and he knows it."
"It's a shame that we don't given that your IQ raises every time I grace you with a piece of my mind. And he is in the galley, he won't see us. And even if he did, do you think he would assume I'm playing love advisor here? To you? Come on, get real."
"First of all, fuck off-"
"Are you okay, though?"
Zoro closed his mouth and went back to looking ahead with his jaw set. Nami looked concerned. He hated people worrying about him.
"Look, I just wanted to come and say sorry."
That caught his attention. He turned to look at her, eyebrows raised in clear surprise. Nami stared at her hands.
"The other day I was very… intransigent. I know it might have looked like I wanted to convince you or tell you what to do, but I only…" Nami looked at the sky, finding her words and shrugging, looking apologetic for once. "I mean, you get really stubborn when you are set on something, and I don't want you to pass on something that could make you happy without even considering trying it. And since you're stubborn I sort of had to get stubborn as well, else you'd never listen."
Zoro groaned. This conversation was embarrassing.
"It's whatever. It's fine," he dismissed it fast. Because it was. Because it had helped clear his mind, even if things were turning out sour, but that wasn't because of their chat. If anything, them talking had helped him take this way better than he would have when Nami hadn't yet broken through his anxiety by insistently and aggressively reminding him that whatever he was feeling was fine and that giving this a chance wouldn't kill him.
"Did the talk make things worse?
"No." It truly hadn't. It had actually helped, but he wasn't going to admit that in front of her, lest she'd feel cheered on to continue meddling in his love life. "How do you know things are worse?"
"Because there is so much longing floating in the air recently that I taste it in my breakfast."
Zoro met Nami's deadpan stare with a deadpan expression of his own.
"Again, fuck off."
"I'll just let you know you have someone to talk to if you ever need to," Nami offered, ignoring him.
"I am fine and I don't need to talk to anyone."
"To be honest, this is possibly the saddest I have seen you look since I met you."
Zoro stared at her, quiet.
"It looks like you have already given up, and let me tell you, giving up doesn't suit you," she informed him, categorical. She didn't sound like she pitied him, which he was thankful for.
"I haven't given up anything because I never wanted anything to start with." He ignored the weight in his chest at the words spoken and sighed. "It's better like this."
"Like what?" she asked.
Zoro didn't answer.
Nami looked frustrated. "Look, I won't meddle in this more than I have already, but you may want to take into account that you're not the only one having a hard time with whatever the hell you two think you are doing now."
"What do you mean?" he asked, rubbing his forehead with a tired gesture. He didn't really want to humor her, although he knew she was trying to help, but he felt a pang in his stomach the moment those words left her mouth. Were their issues affecting the crew? Is this where she was going? Like it or not, if that was the case he needed to know.
"I mean that I have never seen Sanji look this defeated in my life."
The commentary came like a slap in the face, his eye widening at the words.
"What did you even do for him to be like this?" she demanded, and now she sounded both worried and angry.
Flashes of their most recent arguments and shared moments came to mind, Zoro desperately trying to find where Nami's statement matched reality, but the only thing he had been seeing had been Sanji's usual expressions. His smiles might have been a bit wistful, and he had noticed the way he stared at him like he wanted but didn't take. All of that was there, and it was normal if he had to restrain himself after having been used to free contact. But… defeated?
He looked at Nami.
"He isn't…"
"You haven't seen him," she dismissed, staring straight into his eyes. "When you're not there, I mean. He's just as bothered by whatever is going on as you are, Zoro."
His heart sank a little bit more as guilt weighted it down.
"Has he said something?"
"No, of course not. He never says anything, and I have already been helping you deal with this. I can't do this for both without risking messing things up or blurting the stuff you have told me in front of him and sending your trust to hell, so I haven't really tried to talk to him about it either."
Zoro blinked.
"Has he been talking to anyone at all?" he asked, voice airy and tinted with sudden worry.
Because he had been assuming Sanji was surely dealing with it better than he was, but if what Nami said was true then he was not in a better position than Zoro, and he had been dealing with it completely on his own, and Zoro knew how bad that could go for Sanji, especially when he felt guilty, flashes of their period in The Rock coming to him.
"No, I don't think so."
His stomach dropped to the floor completely.
"He'll be fine," he said, automatically.
He meant it. Sanji would be alright; there was no way this painful and silent drifting away was hitting him harder than it was hitting Zoro, and Zoro would be fine in time, which meant that Sanji would be too. He hadn't done anything to touch Zoro for the past few days nor had he done anything to acknowledge what they had, which had opened a window for this deal of theirs to water down into nothingness, and Sanji must have been alright with that, perhaps even found it convenient or advisable given how emotional things had been getting lately, else the blonde would have fought for it a bit more; he was stubborn enough to push for it if he truly wanted their relationship to continue.
If the sudden shift between them, more profound than a superficial waking up alone was, hadn't happened, then this distance between them wouldn't have felt this foreshadowing of an ending, but the shift had happened, they had both felt it from their roots, and Zoro's conclusion was that Sanji was also giving up prematurely while the circumstances were good enough for them to go through this peacefully. Just like Zoro was trying to convince himself to do.
"You don't seem to get it," Nami hissed. Did she sound… angry? Frustrated, perhaps. Zoro's latest statement had certainly riled her up, and Zoro was a bit shocked. "You keep assuming you are the only one getting hurt here. You are still looking at this from your own point of view, and you are still not taking into account what Sanji might be feeling. If you just looked, instead of sweeping your problems under your own carpet… You know what? I give up. I can't spell everything out for you no matter how much I want to. In the end it's your choice."
She stood up and Zoro followed her with his gaze, both confused and troubled, because she kept implying Sanji wasn't taking this well, not in the 'I lost something convenient' way, but in a harsher emotionally-charged one, and it didn't add up to Zoro.
"I don't know what's currently going on between you, but I would advise you to look at things the way Sanji might be seeing them."
He frowned. Replayed Sanji's smiles and taunts for the last few days again, the want clear, the wistfulness apparent, but nothing like hurt showing through… that Sanji let out. And then it hit him. His brain zeroed-in in the moment Sanji had asked if he had done something wrong, minutes before the almost palpable wall made of Zoro's secrets had become clearly apparent between them. Zoro had kept wondering what had tipped things towards that shift, that sudden awareness that there was a daunting distance between them made of unspoken words. And it clicked.
Did I do something wrong?
Pain, because how could Sanji believe any of this was his fault?
No.
A desperate attempt to make Sanji believe him.
Sanji, look at me. You didn't do anything wrong, you hear me? Nothing at all.
Then why did you leave?
The truth stuck in his throat, his brain running around his head in circles trying to find something that wasn't a lie to answer with, the one major truth he had been living with kicked down, deep within him for no one else to see. He had considered sending it all to hell; telling Sanji his actual reasons and letting it all come crashing down, a swift horrendously-timed ending to all of this. He hadn't.
I was… overwhelmed.
A wall full of cracks built around him, the existence of a hidden truth obvious and his refusal to let it out evident, its contents impossible for Sanji to read and his will to hide something from him crystal clear. Who had been trying to fool?
It's fine.
Sanji's own wall growing around him as a response, his own feelings kicked aside so that Zoro wouldn't get a glimpse at them.
A silent conversation going on between them with both of them trying to get a read on each other only to find out there was, indeed, a wall made of both their masks, an empty space without a bridge for them to reach each other opening between them. Retreat on both their accounts.
Zoro blinked. The way he had been looking at it, Zoro had tried his best to bury his secret and protect himself from Sanji finding out while making Sanji get rid of the obvious guilt he was feeling, a guilt he didn't have to feel at all. Suddenly, he was in Sanji's shoes. Suddenly, he was watching himself desperately trying to push the guilt away from Sanji's shoulders but not giving an actual answer to what Sanji was asking, sounding as apologetic as he could get, an unprecedented gap opening between them following their exchange.
Oh.
Sanji hadn't been touching him. Hell. Of course he hadn't. It's not that Sanji was giving up on his own accord. It's that everything Zoro had done along with how he had closed in within himself had by all accounts looked as if Zoro was the one stepping back, dropping what they had under badly formulated apologies. That, following the fact that Sanji had woken up alone with his insecurities without a proper explanation of what was going on. What Sanji might have ended up reading of the situation was Zoro's apologetic rejection. The classic, cliché, empty 'it's not you, it's me'… but it's over, it's just that I'm too much of a coward to say it out loud.
Zoro felt a knot in his throat, palms digging in his eyes as he tried to calm down. Nami was about to turn her back to him and leave him with his denial, because there was a limit to how much meddling she was going to get involved with anymore, and because she truly couldn't go around writing down other peoples' feelings to Zoro other than hinting at them and hints didn't seem to reach his thick skull and there was only so much trying she could do. But then she saw his shoulders slumping and a choked sound come out of his throat, and she stilled her movements and stayed, silent.
Zoro wanted to laugh. He thought Nami's talk had helped him calm down and think things rationally. Hell, their talk had been supposed to do exactly that, that's why Nami had been this stubborn, if she hadn't been he would have kept himself locked within his head without taking things in perspective. He had come to the realization that the damage was done, that there was no rush, and he had decided that he wouldn't be finishing things with Sanji right after their night together because it would be the lowest blow he could deliver to him. His respect for the blonde should have made him address things way before, to start with, but since he hadn't, the next best thing he could do to respect him was to pace things so as to end in the least possible hurtful way for Sanji, definitely not after having done everything in Zoro's power to lead him to believe that the last thing in his head was to finish things with him.
But karma has a cruel way to hit sometimes. He'd done things wrong, and he had kept doing them wrong even when he had settled down with the conviction of trying to do them as right as he could. It was funny. For how much time and efforts he had been putting on thinking of ways to end their deal, or relationship or whatever it was, and for how much he had been trying to plan the least inappropriate time to do it (because, let's face it, there had never been an ideal or even good time to end things), right when he had come to terms with this not needing to be immediate, he had gone and accidentally led Sanji to believe he was doing exactly that. At the worst time possible. Fuck. He hadn't even realized until now, but the way things had played out, purely a bad decision after another, he had virtually ended things. Without him being aware of it. The chances of Sanji reading this as something else were few, and it seemed like he had understood the shift, brought by Zoro, let's be real, as him taking the first step back to finish this all.
Of fucking course Sanji was stepping back too. Of course Sanji's own walls had raised as well, keeping them as emotionally far apart as they had ever been despite how much they both may have wanted to reach out. Of course he wasn't initiating anything. Of course he wouldn't let his smiles be anything other than wistful when Zoro was around. Sanji wasn't giving up. Sanji had assumed Zoro might be giving up, and he was acting in consequence, leaving it up to Zoro to make or break. And Zoro was letting it break. Just like he had wanted all along. Zoro had effectively brought them to a situation where their deal was as good as finished if he himself didn't reach out to salvage it.
This drifting away they had been going through was something Zoro had been telling himself was good. Progressive. Peaceful.
It hadn't been progressive. To Sanji it had been a slap in the face in the form of an empty bed, apologetic-sounding reassurances that he hadn't done anything wrong, and a simple 'I was overwhelmed'. So much for showing respect. The only reason things were peaceful was because Zoro hadn't truly understood what was going on up until now, and basically because Sanji was a literal saint who showed more respect for Zoro than Zoro deserved with how he had been acting. And the worst part of it all is that Sanji was most certainly blaming himself for whatever had happened, because Zoro hadn't actually explained shit, because this had come out of nowhere and if Zoro didn't tell him what was going on Sanji would naturally assume he had done something to make this happen no matter how much Zoro assured him he hadn't.
"I am an idiot," he muttered.
Nami blinked at him. There was concern in her eyes, but she also looked like she wasn't going to give him an ounce of pity if he asked.
"Okay. I'm guessing you are starting to put two and two together. What did you do?"
Zoro laughed, bitter.
"Nothing I didn't want to," he answered, sounding exhausted and incredibly angry with himself. "But I did it in the worst way possible."
Nami shrugged, hiding her worry better so that Zoro wouldn't pick up on it. That wasn't what he needed right now. Not an ounce of pity given indeed. "Then fix it."
This time, she did leave him. She might have wanted to stay and offer a shoulder to lean on, but she knew him well enough to know he wouldn't accept it this time. He needed to be alone, and Nami gave him that exactly. If he'd been in a more stable state of mind he might have thanked her, because she deserved it after all the patience she had pulled out of her sleeve with him.
Instead, he stood up and went to the crow's nest to train and clear his mind of guilt and ungiven answers.
The next day found him washing dishes by Sanji's side. Things weren't okay even through their comforting old normalcy, but that didn't mean the chores arrangements had changed to reflect that. Ever since someone (read Nami) had re-adapted them so that Zoro and Sanji would pair up for most of them, particularly during watches (which had been very selfless of her to do since it was obvious that she knew there wasn't much watch being done when it was Sanji's or Zoro's turn), it had stayed like this, and they had little choice but accepting it unless they wanted to go out of their ways to exchange turns.
They hadn't been many at lunch that day. They had reached an island at dawn and half of the crew was off exploring the nearby city, which seemed to buzz with life and business, but Sanji seemed to use as many utensils to cook lunch for five than he did for nine people, plus the dishes had been elaborate, so there was much to wash and dry.
They did so in companionable silence, but the pressing urge to break that goddamn normalcy they had finally achieved kept bugging Zoro, so he still felt antsy, like he had been feeling ever since Sanji had come back after the night Zoro had left him alone.
He had never felt the need to break perfectly comfortable silence with Sanji; it was one of the best things of being with him, but he found no brakes to the words he pushed forward to fill it in, almost desperately. He needed something. Something that wasn't the perfect quiet routine he had once taken as a given, before they ever shared any more than that. He knew he didn't make sense, he knew he was a turmoil of contradictions, and he knew he needed to back down, but he kept wanting what he was letting wither away like he wanted oxygen in his lungs.
"You cooked something new today," he observed, knowing full-well that it was one of the things he never did: commenting on Sanji's food, much less to show his awareness of Sanji's staples and novelties.
Expectedly, it surprised Sanji, who paused in his movements for a short moment before going back at it and sparing a side glance towards Zoro, as if to make sure the comment had come out of his mouth.
"You noticed," he commented, voice quiet and eyes fixed on what his hands were washing. He gave it to Zoro for him to rinse and dry.
Zoro shrugged in response, eyeing him with care, because he was aware that for how innocuous that conversation was both of them knew that Zoro was testing the waters as to how much actually 'normal' their relationship was at the moment. Sanji must have known that Zoro was attempting to read him, check again where they stood. They both remembered a conversation of sorts more than a month ago, the day before Zoro was hit with the realization of how much he loved this man; with Sanji telling Zoro about his recipes with Zeff with a soft smile and no walls whatsoever between them, one of the most intimate moments they had shared up to date. An innocent topic Sanji had never addressed before then, when his walls were at their lowest and his trust towards Zoro was placed high enough to let him in in the feelings and childhood department, pride be damned. Depending on how Sanji reacted to Zoro showing interest now it would become clear where they were. Whether Sanji dismissed it fast or actually entertained it would reveal way more than their newly-reacquired normalcy would as to where Sanji's trust laid or how hurt he actually was by Zoro's walls being built up in front of him without previous warning.
He watched Sanji sigh towards the sink, silence stretching between them as if Sanji was considering everything Zoro was trying to test, as if he was asking himself where exactly they stood, or where he wanted them to stand.
"It's the old man's," Sanji ended up telling him, a small smile in place. He turned his face Zoro's way and met his eyes, smile turning soft at the edges, eyes glimmering with a shade of blue Zoro hardly ever saw, and Zoro paused, his heart climbing up to his throat because Sanji was opening up to him yet again, despite how much Zoro had unconsciously pushed him away.
His smile told more than his words did, it was a silent I remember that day too and I know what you are doing but I care enough to cradle this to actual normalcy without losing the added trust we have recently built up between us, please, please, don't break it. If Zoro hadn't forbidden himself from projecting his own feelings on Sanji, he would have read an I miss you in his eyes too.
"Is it," he murmured, eye fixed on Sanji's, afraid to look away in case that small ray of hope that Zoro hadn't totally broken what they had fought so hard to build disappeared from Sanji's expression. But Sanji only stretched his smile a tad, eyes crinkling at the corners.
"It is," he answered, just as softly. He was the first to divert his gaze, going back to work, but the smile was there, and it slowly dawned on Zoro that it was sad. Open, giving him a second opportunity and more faithful to reality than the previous ones had been, but sad all the same. Like he missed everything that had come with the conversation back when they'd had a similar one for the first time: the touches, the complicity that mere nakama didn't share, the flirting, the non-existence of walls between them.
Zoro thought about Nami's words and his chest hurt. Sanji might not feel the same Zoro did (it was highly unlikely if not impossible), but it was obvious by how subdued and afflicted Sanji was whenever they both tried their best to stretch that goddamn normalcy towards their more recent conception of it that he missed it as much as Zoro did. That, perhaps, affection actually played a role there, that 'physical' was not the only way to describe what they had anymore, that Zoro stepping away had hurt something else than Sanji's pride.
You may want to take into account that you're not the only one having a hard time with whatever the hell you two think you are doing now.
What do you mean?
I mean that I have never seen Sanji look this defeated in my life.
Sanji was telling him about the story behind the recipe, featuring Patty and Carne, a big ruckus and a lot of ass-kicking from Zeff. He kept laughing at bits as memories flooded him, that crinkle by his nose capturing Zoro's attention more than his words did, although he listened to everything he said and kept it locked in his brain like he did with everything Sanji-related.
Sanji was reaching out. He was letting Zoro read him as he did it, and the message was clear. Up until now they had tried to bring it back to basics, to how everything had been before The Rock, which initially seemed like a great idea, but it came with the consequence of their newly-gained trust and intimacy being buried deep down like it didn't exist. It was suddenly very difficult to separate everything that had brought them closer along the last few months, emotionally speaking, from the physical part of it all, without which this burst of trust and complicity would have probably never happened. And, since it was difficult and they were both clearly holding back on getting physical, this new aspect of their emotional ties was pushed aside in turn.
It was suddenly much easier to understand why Sanji was struggling so much with it, why it was so difficult, because the exact same was happening to Zoro. They both missed it, not only the touches and physical intimacy, but their deep connection, their new ease around each other, the emotional intimacy they had learned to share through a long path of pushing and pulling; and this is why the old normalcy Zoro had been craving didn't cut it anymore. It was simply not enough, merely a shadow of everything they were capable of sharing, as nakama, as human beings, as the intertwined pillars of each other they had become.
And Zoro had been freaking out and willing to throw it all out of the window, cutting ties, burning everything down, because he had fallen in love with that man and he had been afraid. The man that was currently reaching out, testing how much of their new and now dying bond could be saved in a context where the soil in which it had grown had been scooped out of the picture, trying hard for both of them and hoping Zoro would meet him half-way. The fact that Sanji still felt the sexual tension they shared had been obvious all along, but it wasn't that what Sanji was trying to rebuild and protect at the moment. It was something more precious, something so fragile that none of them could even be upfront about its importance, for fear that it might break.
What broke was something else within Zoro, yet again. His resolve. His will to fight it. His pretended content that things would become easier through this quiet yet so painful drifting away that felt more like someone was trying to rip his heart out of his chest than it felt like an actual escape route to everything he had once sworn he didn't want.
Sanji laughed at an anecdote he had just explained, something stupid Patty had done for which Zeff had flipped shit much to everyone's dismay. Zoro left what he was drying on the counter, completely silent, and before he could talk himself out of it he wrapped his arms around Sanji's middle from his left side and placed an impossibly soft kiss against his cheek.
Sanji froze and tensed in his arms, his chatter gone in the blink of an eye.
It was all so quiet, except for both their heartbeats speeding up in uncertainty and a primal desire to hold and be held. A burning wish for this distance to be cut short, for this pretense at normalcy to burn down in flames, to go back to their new normalcy; the one that involved no walls and quiet unwavering trust that went way further than their original one.
Sanji wasn't relaxing. Rather, he seemed to be this close to bolting out of Zoro's grasp. Zoro was this close to begging him not to. Instead, he kissed his cheek again, soft, full of apologies and the one emotion he knew he shouldn't let out. Sanji inhaled, sharply. Zoro stared at his profile with affection in his gaze, and a sadness that was mirrored in Sanji's shocked expression.
And here he'd thought he had ended up with the short end of the deal. Assumed Sanji wouldn't be as affected by this as Zoro was. He had been an idiot. Who the fuck cared about how scary or inconvenient his feelings were anymore? He needed to make this right, if only so that Sanji's smile would shine without that hardly-veiled layer of sadness tinting it. Whatever Sanji felt, even if it wasn't the same as Zoro, deserved to be cradled and taken care of, not tossed aside like it didn't exist. Sanji wasn't a weakness. Sanji was strength materialized, and Zoro had been an idiot to fear otherwise.
He tried again, a gentle touch of lips against Sanji's commissure. He felt Sanji's lips tremble at the proximity. Next thing he knew Sanji was sighing and sagging against him, letting himself be held, jaw clenched and eyes shut tight in an attempt to gather himself and not show how much this almost-there-but-not was hurting him; and he wasn't referring only to the kiss. Zoro felt a knot in his throat and pressed his forehead against Sanji's temple, trying to pull himself together as well, but failing miserably.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, nothing but truth coming out of his lips.
"Why?" Sanji asked, voice trembling as much as Zoro's had, if from relief or restraint he didn't know.
Zoro swallowed as he pondered telling him the whole truth, but he ended up deciding against it. Him not trying to push those feelings away anymore (because fuck it, he was in deep and it was pointless anyway) didn't mean he was ready to blurt them in front of Sanji, much less when they were both hanging from a very fine thread.
He kissed his temple instead, hoping his silence wouldn't be as fatal as that disastrous morning-after. Hoping Sanji would understand he wasn't trying to hide something from him as much as he was trying to deal with it himself.
Sanji exhaled lowly and stilled, and Zoro feared him walking away at the lack of an answer. He had to restrain the urge to tighten his arms around him so that he didn't. It took him a few seconds of silence, but Sanji ended up turning in his arms until he was facing him. He wasn't able to look at Zoro in the eye for more than a fleeting second because the blonde knew that his emotions, which Sanji himself was having trouble naming, were seen clear as day on his face, a resounding I miss you so much reaching Zoro even as Sanji hid his face against his shoulder and hugged him tight. Zoro didn't have enough time to wrap his arms back around Sanji, corresponding in tightness and intensity.
Relief hit him and broke all of his defenses as he released a breath he didn't know he was holding at the same time Sanji did, their hold on each other tightening fiercely to the point they started lightly swaying side to side, faces buried on each other's necks, breathing in each other's scent. God, he had missed this so much. And Sanji had as well if the way he was holding him close was anything to go by, which brought a warmth he shouldn't be feeling to ignite his chest.
The three words he had been fighting for so long clawed their way out of his heart and climbed up his throat with vengeance and thirst, fighting to be said out loud, and Zoro had never been as overwhelmed with the need to say them as he was now, but he managed to keep them in.
"I missed you," he whispered instead, voice a bit broken.
Sanji didn't say it back, but Zoro had read it in his expression minutes before and the way he tightened his hold on him was more than enough of an answer.
Zoro hesitated, but his hand ended up caressing Sanji's neck until it reached the back of his head, fingers tangling in his golden locks and running through them soothingly, apologetically, trying to make things right. Sanji kissed the patch of skin where his lips had been pressing against Zoro's neck in response, and Zoro melted against him.
They continued to hug each other, close, closer, impossibly tight like letting go was a hard task to coordinate, for what felt like hours but was probably only long minutes, walls falling one by one, the unprecedented distance separating them shortening with each breath they shared, with each heartbeat they felt against each other's chest. There was one wall remaining, they both knew, and it was Zoro's, and Sanji was more than ready to build his back up if Zoro closed up like he had a few days ago ever again, and the ground they stood on was still uncertain and far from solid, but for now it was enough.
"Where are we standing?" came Sanji's voice after a long while, quiet and muffled by Zoro's skin.
Zoro tensed and they both noticed, but they didn't pull away. He gave it thought for a while, considered how he had been ready to flee for the longest time and yet all he wanted to do now was hold on to what they had, knowing it would eventually lead nowhere but still hoping to treasure it for as long as Sanji would allow it. Live a little, Nami had told him during their late-night chat. It was scary, but it was the first time he had actually considered it as a possibility he wanted to give a try to. Here, in Sanji's arms, fleeing sounded (also for the first time since he had realized his feelings) like a loss more than it sounded like a safety-blanket.
"We are standing wherever you want us to stand," he muttered against his cheek right before kissing him there, sweet, nothing like Zoro was and yet so much like him if one knew him well enough.
And, really, at this point Zoro would take anything Sanji would give him, for as long as Sanji would give it to him. It was, in all honesty and as far as Zoro was concerned, Sanji's choice. The moment he had decided he wouldn't send it all to hell himself in order to protect himself, he had come to terms with the fact that his heart was in Sanji's hands, and he was okay with whatever he did with it, only hoping he wouldn't shatter it to irreparable pieces come the time. As long as he was left with the possibility to stand back up again he was fine with anything.
It wasn't an 'I love you', and he wasn't sure whether Sanji would be able to read between the lines to give Zoro's words that meaning, but it was as close to telling him he was his as Zoro could get at the moment.
Sanji didn't read between the lines to find an 'I love you' in them, if only because that's possibly the last thing he expected to find coming from Zoro and not an obvious conclusion unless he could read Zoro's mind or had Nami's intuition, but he understood the gravity of a decision being placed in his hands, and he broke the hug enough that he could look at Zoro in the eye, searching. He still didn't understand, and he was still trying to understand him, but he knew it wasn't a 'don't touch me anymore' or 'stop trying'.
They stared at each other for a while, a tiny bit of the distance they had experimented opening between them again with Zoro's ambiguity playing a role in it, but it wasn't enough to pull them away and bring them back to building up walls. Sanji's eyes flickered to Zoro's lips for a second, only to snap back up, still insecure about what was going on, still not sure if what Zoro had said implied he didn't have to hold back anymore or not. Zoro couldn't help but smile at him, soft and affectionate, lowkey defeated, an 'it's entirely your choice' clear to be read in his features.
Sanji seemed to read that part alright, his right hand coming up to tentatively caress Zoro's jaw. Zoro didn't resist. He was strangely pliant, and Sanji didn't know what to make of it, at least not until the swordsman nudged his hand with that warm smile still in place. Sanji let his thumb caress his cheek, and Zoro let him. If Sanji hadn't known that Zoro was a man made of fight, he would have thought Zoro's expression at the moment was that of a man tired of fighting. It warmed his heart, only to make him realize it was beating out of time, which had him disconcerted for a few seconds, but he decided to put that aside.
He kissed his chin: a test. See how he reacted. Zoro inclined his head towards him imperceptibly, breath warm against Sanji's lips, but that's as far as he moved. It was Sanji's choice indeed. He sighed as he felt his self-restrain wash away, and then he closed the distance between them, soft lips pressing softly against chapped ones that met him halfway, and it felt like coming back home.
And all Sanji could think was, thank God. Thank God he hasn't pushed me away. Thank God he's letting me in, although he didn't stop to process what that relief and the feelings coming with it meant.
The kiss was slow, intense, full of emotion and a sort of passion that belonged with them no matter how much they tried to keep things chaste, but soft anyway. An apology. A 'let's try again'. Let's try what again? a part of Sanji's mind asked, but it was too faint a question for him to register it. It didn't matter. Zoro was there in his arms and nothing had felt this right in a long while.
Zoro's hands came to cradle Sanji's face, and Sanji felt cared for, and it shouldn't have made him feel emotional, but it did. That didn't matter either, because Zoro's lips and hands were trembling as much as Sanji's were anyway, and that balanced things out, even when it felt like he was… falling. What a strange sensation to feel, he vaguely thought. It would have been scary hadn't Zoro been there holding him in place.
"I missed you," he finally allowed himself to say, not really processing the words as much as letting them out.
Zoro stopped kissing him, lips still brushing his as he seemed to realize what was being said to him, and his gaze filled with something Sanji couldn't pinpoint, something so smothering Sanji had momentary trouble breathing.
"Me too, baby," Zoro whispered against his lips, tone uneven and full of an emotion Sanji couldn't distinguish coming from the swordsman. "Me too."
Baby.
It did something to Sanji's stomach, something like reacquaintancing it with gravity and letting it fall to the bottom of the ocean where Sanji couldn't get a hold of it anymore. Zoro didn't even seem to realize he had said it, but there was something inside of Sanji, something frantic he couldn't put a name to, and the only thing he could do about it was kiss Zoro like he needed him for breathing, Zoro responding in kind.
And they could have been like this for days, kissing and licking into each other's mouths, hugging like their life depended on it without it really moving onto anything else, just for the sake of being close and touching each other, if a sudden ruckus on deck hadn't brought them back to reality, their brains heavy and drained and barely processing what was going on as they had the mind to pull apart, because there was something like footsteps coming towards the galley.
It was when the footsteps came close enough for them to be just a few meters away that Sanji truly processed they were about to be walked in and took two swift steps back, eyes wide as Zoro stared at him with mild confusion.
Then the galley's door flew open.
"Sanji, urgent reunion on deck, n-"
Silence.
Nami stared with her hand on the door handle, halfway into coming in and eyes wide as saucers. Sanji might have stepped back in time, but there was no way he could explain his or Zoro's labored breaths, or their bruised lips or the heavy atmosphere filling the space. Zoro slowly turned around, staring at her like he didn't know what was going on anymore. Nami's eyes flew from Sanji's reddening face to Zoro's in order to check that, yes, Zoro was okay, although looking visibly and disastrously overwhelmed by everything going on around him.
"Uhm…" Sanji tried, frozen in place and considering the logistics of throwing himself off board and into the depths of the ocean with a solid rock tied to his feet.
Nami was fast to go back to business mode, pointing at her back and towards the deck with a serious expression and a very evident will to ignore the implications of what she had just seen.
"As I said, reunion on deck. Now. It's urgent."
Then she walked out and closed the door behind her, giving them a few seconds to compose themselves, which Sanji used to crouch down in shame and literally scream into his hands.
Zoro stared at him, still dazed. "That's a pretty dramatic reaction," he observed, for the lack of anything else to say.
He needed to keep his cool. If he didn't they wouldn't come out of the galley. And he needed to keep his heart at a decent beat if he didn't want to give himself a heart attack. If only Zoro had known that simply letting go would feel this liberating, even when everything else seemed daunting and the future held an expiry date dangling in front of his face. Perhaps that's what Nami had been trying to tell him all along.
"Shut up, she saw," Sanji groaned, face still hidden, partly because he was mortified and partly because he was trying to calm down his heart and the whirlwind of feelings that had taken over him in the last few minutes.
"Not really," Zoro tried in an attempt to console him. "We need to go out," he reminded him, and also himself, because his brain was all but processing things. "It did sound urgent."
"It did sound urgent," Sanji repeated, in a similar mental state than Zoro was. "Okay, okay, give me a second."
Five minutes later they were outside and Nami had all of them sat down and listening.
"Okay, this is just a warning, but we all need to be alert from now on," Nami began.
"Why?" Usopp inquired.
Zoro was holding his head up with his fist, which he used to partially hide his lips until they were less swollen, and Sanji was using the hand holding his cigarette close to his mouth as a nervous cover of what had gone on inside of the galley, knee bouncing where he was sitting on the grass.
They were barely concentrating.
"This city is run by the mafia."
"Ah, fuck," Franky sighed, holding his weight with his arms behind his back.
Most of them tensed at the news. Zoro registered it as bad news, because everybody knew the mafia sucked, but his brain was half there half not. He stared at Sanji for a second and found the blonde's eyebrows tightly scrunched together, wary.
"What group?" he asked.
"I heard the boss is called Albalore. Never heard the name, but apparently he's a big shot," Nami explained.
Luffy was a bundle of nerves by her side.
"We could kick his ass," he said, trying to sound serious but failing miserably. He was more excited about it than he was duly worried.
"No."
A pout and his whole pretense gone.
"Why?" he whined. "From what we have heard he's the bad guy! We don't need to wait for them to cause trouble to intervene, we can wipe the floor with their dandy hats and help the citizens of this city."
"That would work if 90% of the citizens of this city weren't part of said mafia. They are not oppressors of innocent people, they are the system to which all of this people belong and protect," Nami countered. Zoro wondered how long it had taken for her to gather than information. She must have been wandering around town a lot that morning to get this much background knowledge and have already organized a warning reunion. "Which means if we engage Albalore we engage the whole city. Whatever the case we wouldn't be protecting anyone here, that's simply how they work and for what I have gathered these people are happy with how things are."
"I don't believe that," Luffy stated, convinced.
"I know a lie where I see one, Luffy, and believe me, this whole city is the mafia. It's as if we were in Whiskey Peak 2.0. No one to save, they are all in one big team."
"The people from Whiskey Peak were nice people," Luffy exclaimed, indignant, and sending Zoro a glare for good measure, because he still didn't seem to comprehend that Zoro had wiped them all out because they were enemies trying to get their heads. They had fed him, thus they were nice, and Zoro deserved a glare every time they were brought up.
"No, they weren't. There were like, three or four nice people. Including Vivi. The rest were after our heads and – oi, stop trying to start a fight with Zoro, I need your attention!" Nami snapped.
Luffy proceeded to glare at her.
"Whiskey Peak is different," he insisted.
"You are a moron," Nami proclaimed, and there were a few nods going on around them, plus the confused stares of the crew members who still weren't part of the crew back then.
"Long story short, if we engage them, we make the whole city an enemy of ours, right?" Brook asked, cutting to the point.
Nami nodded.
"Have they started something?" Sanji asked, wanting to know whether the urgent character of the reunion was because they had them at their heels or because they needed to be careful while they were there.
"No, no they haven't. They don't know we are here and if we don't draw attention to ourselves it will stay this way."
"Why does it matter if they know we are here?" Robin intervened, and that was the real question.
Nami sighed. "Okay, not all of you were there, but do you remember the Davy Back Fight?"
"Hell, yes, that was fun!" Luffy perked up.
"You almost lost half of your crew, Luffy. That game was shitty," Sanji calmly reminded him.
Luffy blinked at him, his brain probably scooping aside layers of exciting and adventurous memories of it to show him the moments where his crew members had been taken away from him. His expression turned somber. "Oh, that's right. You're right, that game was crap."
Nami rolled her eyes. "Long story short, Foxy, the man we went against, was a close associate of Albarone. Ergo, if Albarone knows we are here he might try something in the name of vendetta or whatever these people do for 'la familia', you get me."
"Okay, so we only need to lay low, is that it?" Usopp asked, looking tense at knowing they were in enemy territory but pretty put together.
"Basically. Which means." Nami turned to Luffy, Zoro and Sanji, looking menacing. "The three of you need to chill. Am I making myself understood?"
"We won't start a fight, alright," Zoro conceded, immediately noticing Sanji's lack of a lovesick response. The blonde hadn't made eye contact with Nami since she had gone out of the galley. Zoro could practically feel his mortification from where he sat a few meters away from him. The poor man needed a break.
"Not only that, but you won't let yourselves be seen, or at least not identified, you hear me?"
"Roger," Zoro agreed, because he owed her at least a bit of tame obedience after everything she had done for him, especially after having been caught red-handed with Sanji, with more reason when Sanji wasn't being his usual loud agreeable self because he was too busy being embarrassed.
"That's no fun," Luffy complained.
"I don't care if it's fun or not, Luffy," Nami told him, tone threatening. "You are not going to kick their ass if they don't start something first, and you are going to make it so that they don't start anything at all. We need one day and a half for the log pose to record and then we can leave, but I'd rather not be at open war for that long if we can avoid it, is that clear?"
A chorus of yeses flooding their deck. Her proposal made sense. They were the ones at disadvantage here. The only thing they needed to do was to be discreet and stay in the ship living their lives without causing a mess.
"But weren't you snooping around, Nami?" Chopper suddenly asked, sounding worried more than accusing.
"Yes, but I was careful to be discreet. I don't think anyone has recognized me yet. Neither have they picked up who Brook, Franky or Usopp were according to them," she appeased him as she looked at everyone who had gone out of the ship and through the city so far for confirmation. "We should be fine, but we better keep an eye on what's going on. Who has watch tonight?"
Franky raised his hand, followed by Robin.
"Okay, Franky, you have the first watch, right?"
"Yep."
"You'll start earlier than normal. Do you mind not sharing dinner with us? Sanji can bring you your portion upstairs, but it would be great there was at least someone keeping an eye for dinner."
"Do you think they would attempt an attack? The ship is in a discreet place, as far as we know no one has noticed us," Brook asked.
"No, I think we are safe and probably nothing will happen, but we better be alert."
"Okay with me," Franky shrugged. "I don't mind."
"Great. Are we all alert?"
Another resounding yes.
Luffy was forbidden to leave the ship until they were away from that island, just in case.
Dinner passed by uneventfully.
Sanji brought Franky's portion upstairs as agreed, sat down with him to chat for a while and ended up going back to the galley after Franky insisted, where Zoro was bothering to fight for the blonde's dish so that Luffy wouldn't steal it in his absence. Sanji found it sweet, and he bumped his knee under the table the moment he sat down.
There was remaining tension between them, as well as a certain drained feeling, similar to when you've cried for hours and find yourself still tense but exhausted, but it was much better than it had been. The afternoon had been quite busy for everyone, and then Sanji was busy cooking dinner and Zoro had chosen to go up the crow's nest to train instead of keeping him company because they both figured that a bit of alone time to think things through and put their feelings in order after their outburst would be healthier than immediately being in each other's space like nothing had happened. Plus, Sanji had a lot of embarrassment to deal with after Nami had almost caught them, and he dealt with that much better alone, so Zoro left him to it and took the chance to calm his racing heart down and make peace with his choices.
He had decided to let things flow, see where they brought them, and stop denying himself just because he was afraid of what loving Sanji would entail. The damage was done and now he could either enjoy the good parts or make it all worse by ending things, which was the rational thing to do, yet the last thing his heart approved of. It would end up hurting like a bitch, but he would eventually be fine, and for now he could try to make the most out of it and, as Nami had said, live a little.
He smiled when he felt Sanji's knee against his as a 'thank you', relieved that they were both calmer and more comfortable with each other, things settling down. They sat inadvertently pressed together from thigh to hip, and it felt so much better than being apart that Zoro took a moment to appreciate the small casual touches he had been about to give up.
The crew was relaxed. They didn't have a reason not to be. Being alert didn't mean not enjoying life when they could, in the Strawhats' books. Although Nami was trying to impose some order and sense of awareness in the group because they were supposed to be alert even when there was someone on watch, Luffy was doing something stupid and most of them were laughing at it, Sanji almost choking on his food. Zoro slapped his back in an attempt to save him an early death, his own mouth full and struggling to remain closed despite the upcoming laughter he felt in his chest because if he spilled all of that he wouldn't hear the end of it. The moment Sanji was free to breathe again he patted Zoro's thigh under the table to make him stop his pounding against his back, but he fell prey to laughter soon enough, cackling at whatever Luffy was doing now. Chopper was having trouble not choking at his end of the table, Usopp slapping his back just like Zoro had done for Sanji, just that he was freaking out because shit we are losing our doctor. Sanji was fast to pass a glass full of water in the reindeer's direction, still laughing but trying to impose concern in his features. A lost battle.
Sanji hadn't laughed like that in a while. It was now when Zoro realized the most that there had been a veil of sadness to everything Sanji did for the past week, even when he laughed, and now that it wasn't there the sight was precious. The wide stretch of his mouth when he laughed with all of his heart, a dimple by his left cheek and the crinkles on his nose, face red due to the lack of proper breathing and hair disheveled, the reverberation of his laughter against Zoro's ribs where they were touching. Zoro hadn't been staring at Luffy for a while now, even though what he was doing was apparently hilarious if Sanji's endless laughter was anything to go by.
Zoro loved him. He loved the way his face scrunched when he laughed, how much he was like a little ball of sunshine past all of his tough-man layers, and he loved to see him happy, so he stared with a small smile of his own, the rest of the crew forgotten, unaware of anything else going on around him but Sanji.
The blonde must have felt his gaze at some point, because he turned to face him, unexpectedly blushing a bit under the scrutiny (although he was already red from laughing), but he ended up smiling at him, bumping their knees together yet again, and Zoro's heart did a stupid thing inside his chest, like missing a beat. And it was scary, that overwhelming feeling of fond and love Sanji inspired in him, but it was also full of warmth, and he kept his smile in place, softening it when Sanji held the eye contact, because for a moment he could only focus on Sanji's impossible blue looking something akin to affectionate, although he told himself that was improbable.
Which is why the first shot breaking the peace of the night was processed by his brain a few instants after it had happened, his body uncharacteristically jumping in shock at the sound.
Bang.
It took him even longer to understand the meaning of it as he blinked confusedly at Sanji, who was no longer looking at him but towards the window they were facing from their spot at the table, eyes wide open and body already reacting to something Zoro hadn't yet sensed with how out of it and distracted he had been.
Sanji yelled something and Chopper and Usopp, right in front of them, ran away from their spots, getting out of the way of… of what. The window was now fully visible.
He barely had the time to stare at the window (a window from which Zoro's spot and half of Sanji's could be seen from the outside, he now realized) and catch a distant flash of something before he heard the shot.
Bang.
But he was already being pushed back to the floor, harshly, unceremoniously. Why hadn't Sanji kicked him? a thought flashed through his brain as he fell. Oh. He had been pressed against Zoro, he hadn't had the angle, so he had used his hands. Then his back was hitting the floor and a body was falling on top of him – Sanji's, his mind supplied – and his breath was knocked out of his lungs.
He blinked at the ceiling. More shots coming through the window. Yelling and screaming, both orders to hide and scared sounds meddling together as everyone scrambled away from the window to opposite sides of the room, where shots couldn't reach them.
Zoro took a deep breath, steadying himself and forcing his brain to concentrate. Okay. They were being attacked. Fair enough. Sanji had saved his ass. Shameful but okay. Also, he needed to stop being a lovesick idiot and pay attention, because if he had been paying attention to start with he would have caught the glimmer of the first shot in advance and reacted in time. Determination and fight back in him, he made to incorporate and start kicking ass only to find that, contrary to what would normally be expected, Sanji hadn't yet kicked at the table to turn it sideways and make a proper wall instead of having them barely concealed under it, nor was he yelling at him to get his ass moving or spouting action plans left and right.
Zoro frowned. Then he looked at his side and froze.
Sanji was laying on his back after having rolled off Zoro, but he wasn't moving. There was blood. A lot of it. And there was a bullet hole in his chest. On the left side of it. He… wasn't breathing.
Zoro felt like he stopped breathing himself.
"Cook?"
His voice sounded foreign to his own ears. He didn't receive a response other than the sounds of their ship being massively shot at from a distance – the cowards – Franky yelling at them through the speakers to come out because the enemy was starting to approach the ship, and some of them yelling back that with that shot feast they couldn't move from where they were without becoming a colander. Luffy was against one of the target walls using his body to protect Usopp, who hadn't had time to retreat to a safer place. Zoro didn't register any of it as he crawled towards Sanji and touched his face with a trembling hand.
"… Sanji?"
Nothing. Not a flutter of eyelashes, not a breath, not a sign that he had heard him, only blood, terrifying silence and a hole in his chest.
No.
No, please, no.
His hand cradled his cheek completely as panic started taking over Zoro.
"Sanji, come on, talk to me, don't do this," he pleaded uselessly, his voice a mess. "Don't do this to me, you can't leave like that, come on, say something – Chopper!" he ended up yelling above the mess, and the panic seeped into his tone. His eye never left Sanji's face.
Luffy snapped his eyes towards him and took in the scene, and his captain froze where he was trying to get Usopp out of his tough spot without a bullet grazing him. Chopper's line of vision was obscured by the table and the chairs, and he asked what was going on, but Zoro didn't register it.
"Chopper!" Zoro yelled again, an angry frustration taking over him as he ran his thumbs again and again over Sanji's face as if that was going to make him open his eyes. He didn't dare to move him, not with a bullet in his chest. "Come on, Sanji, come on, you can't do this, look at me – Chopper!"
"What?!" finally came to his ears. Chopper sounded scared, not only because of the onslaught they were being put through, but because of Zoro's uncharacteristic tone.
"He's not breathing!"
Were there tears behind his eyes? They weren't spilling or materializing, but they were there, only held back by the panic knotting in his throat. His voice was hysterical now. He thought Chopper yelled something about him not touching Sanji, but his hands were still caressing his face, his words wasted on useless pleas for him to open his eyes, to say something back.
There was suddenly a hand on his wrist and Zoro's head snapped upwards, eye wide with actual fear. Luffy was in front of him. He had managed to get Usopp out of the fire line to a blind angle and was now there, with him, utterly serious.
"Calm down," he told him, although his grip on Zoro was way too tight for Luffy to be calm himself, and his eyes kept flickering towards Sanji.
"Where is Chopper?" Zoro hissed, because for how much he had been calling for the doctor he hadn't bothered spotting him in the mess they were in.
"He can't get to you without being shot, I'm bringing him here now, alright?"
Zoro was trembling and Luffy could sense it through his hold.
It felt like forever until Luffy was back with the reindeer, and the terrified look on Chopper's face as he saw what was going on made Zoro's stomach drop all the way to the ground.
No.
No, no, no.
Not this.
Luffy tried to get him away from Sanji as Chopper started moving around him, but he found fierce resistance the moment Zoro registered what Luffy was trying to do. Luffy lost his patience, hand snapping to grab at Zoro's jaw and forcing him to look at him.
Luffy was furious. Not with him. But because of Sanji. He had never seen him like this, this murderous, this serious, this irate.
"Zoro, you can't do anything right now. It's up to Chopper, you hear me?" he told him, not an inflection of fear in his voice although his grip on Zoro's jaw suggested something else. "We are under fire and I need you to do your job. You have two options, either you stay in the galley and protect Chopper while he does his job or you come outside with me and the rest to fight those bastards, but we can't afford you being useless right now, is that clear?"
Useless.
Zoro blinked, panic still clawing at his chest and his mind thrown in a prayer of no, please, no.
"Galley," he managed, voice strangled.
Luffy afforded three seconds to study him before nodding. "Alright, but do your job."
Then he was running around the galley trying to get his nakama to the door without them becoming a colander. Nami caught sight of Sanji once she was close to the door and receiving orders on how to counterattack, and she immediately paled.
"Zoro, turn the table," Robin helpfully suggested once she had taken the scene in now that the angle allowed her. Her face had turned murderous just as fast as Luffy's as soon as she saw Sanji and Chopper trying but failing not to cry as he tried to save him.
Zoro blinked at her words and kicked at the table until it became a wall between them and the window. His hands were yet to reach for his swords.
"I need medical supplies, I have nothing here," Chopper said with a very thin and wet voice.
From then on it was a mess. The supplies came in the form of Robin passing them from hand to blooming hand from the infirmary to the galley as their nakama left the room one by one and engaged a battle that was already happening on board. The distant shots stopped coming after a while. The marksman must have either been targeted or run out of munition. Sanji wasn't responding and Zoro stared at him in disbelief, unable to say anything anymore asides from the occasional 'please save him' thrown Chopper's way, which the doctor ignored in between sniffles that were starting to turn to sobs.
He had already lived this, back in Terevera, and he felt just as powerless as back then. It was awful.
He was in a trance. This wasn't much different from a terrible nightmare, except for the fact that this was real and that Sanji still had a hole in his chest when Zoro opened his eye again.
Which might have been why when a man burst through the already destroyed window from which most of the shots had come, Zoro didn't see it coming in advance like he usually would. It might have been why he stood up, abandoning the safe place behind the table, ready to murder, before his hands had completely made it to his swords, a rookie mistake he'd last done when he was a teenager. It might have been why, instead of processing the fact that he didn't have time to unsheathe his swords to cut through the upcoming bullets and so he should duck instead, fury made the decision for him and he still went for his weapons in his thirst to erase the motherfuckers who had put a hole in Sanji's chest.
And that it's exactly why, by the time the man shot, he didn't have time to dodge or block anymore, swords half-unsheathed, but not fast enough.
Bang.
TBC
