Chapter 53

March 14, 3:35 am

No, I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrows
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now it's only fair that I should let you know
What you should know

I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give anymore

I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give anymore

Visions of dachshunds dressed as hot dogs crying out in snarling barks, yips and howls as they stampeded towards Kaylin and another child dressed in little takeout pack costumes...

Jamie's eyes snapped opened and his lungs sucked in a deep gulp of cold air which brought him back to his senses as he jumped awake after having drifted off despite every intention not to succumb to the hypothermia that was slowly but surely sapping the remaining strength from his body. Air Supply, he groaned after remembering this ironic name of the band as the painful fact that it hurt to breath resurfaced. What was it with the damn hot dog references in his life? Must be Renzulli's fault, he mused. Never met a guy who appreciated a street vendor dog like he did. His old TO's meal break culinary preferences and that time he'd sent his rookie down the street after that costumed drug dealer didn't explain what had caused an innocent silly commercial he once giggled over with his daughter to morph into this trigger, this recurring damn dream… no slash that… EFFING DAMN VIVID NIGHTMARE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS that had been haunting his sleep far too often in the middle of the night for the past however many months since… well it didn't even matter anymore as it mixed with reality and gelled together in his cold, tired brain before he realized that he had once again woken from it in a heavy sweat, and in fact here that served as a deadly threat to his life on its own as he felt the cold now emboldened and seeping under that ultra techy lightweight insanely expensive primaloft jacket that Eddie had bought him as his body began to falter faster while Sonny Malevsky's voice continued to mock him from beyond.

"Reagan."

"Hey, Detective Malevsky. What's going on?"

"We didn't get a chance to talk the other day," came that snide, evil laugh and look Jamie now knew intimately Sonny had inherited from his father Mason… that same look he had seen tonight before it was erased by gunshots as more bodies fell in this Reagan-Malevsky family feud. "Your brother, Danny... what a hot dog. Grandstanding that judge. He's a good detective, though. So was your brother Joe."

"That's what people say," Jamie had replied suspiciously with evident good reason now while they stood outside the precinct.

"You know... we worked together, in the Warrant Squad," Sonny had continued, "Lydia Gonsalves worked there, too, but... you knew that already. Boy, I bet, with your brother killed in the line of duty, your family worries about you. Just... make sure you're careful. It can be dangerous out here. Nice car."

Those lines, "What a hot dog… Your brother killed in the line of duty… Nice car," Jamie realized suddenly… that was it. The dream, his brother dressed in the drug dealer's costume clutching Kaylin and the other in the takeout packs and keeping the dogs away. His sixth sense had been virtually screaming out with another connection for the past few months. Why hadn't he listened sooner?

"I'm sorry, Danny," he cried. "It should have never come to this! You were just trying to protect us and figure out what happened. I didn't want to listen and let you down! STUPID!" he railed against himself. The answer had been there all along he realized as the tears fell freely now and mixed with the frozen blood on his jacket to form tiny pink trailing ice ball tracks. Danny's blood. He was laying there covered in his own brother's blood after pulling him away from the burning car, already nearly unconscious. That's how they would find him if other things didn't get there first, he decided, and it wouldn't be long now. The only thing keeping that pack of wild wiener dogs, or more likely coyotes at bay… the ones that had been vocalizing and circling around the valley now for the last hour was probably the acrid stench of the burned rubber down below. He moved his left arm up once more to squint at the blurry timepiece which seemed to have frosted over… probably not a good sign. Four hours… halfway, right?… He'd made it halfway, but to what? He wasn't even sure any more. All that anxious waiting after the phone rang and still nothing had happened… no more calls… no returning sirens… no one shouting out his name. Danny must be gone and everyone in shock… no one was thinking straight, not even his own wife. Maybe it would be better to just give in and stop fighting it… to just drift away from the pain and let the inevitable come sooner now… to disappear and become a memory with his two brothers just like he was in that dream when his little girls were left vulnerable and his family moved on without him.

"EDDIE, WHERE ARE YOU?!" he reacted with unfair anger and pent up emotions directed at her for the first time. "S'your fault, Ed… why didn't you come? S'all your fault," he croaked out softer that time, allowing himself to wallow in a deep state of self pity for a few minutes until he found the motivation to push it aside as another memory resurfaced and a deep regret set in.

"M'm sorry… m'm sorry… Please baby, don't cry. Damn it… I didn't mean it, Ed… s'not your fault… it's all mine. I don't know why I said that," the words echoed through his mind again and he could almost feel her sobbing against his shoulder once more as she cried out from the guilt he had just inflicted on her. He couldn't do that again, not even if he would die here tonight and she would never know about it.

"It's me… I've always been too weak… m'not trying hard enough," he apologized as the words came out loud this time. "Rigs said not to be scared of things like this when they come…" he trailed off as he remembered some of those first conversations with a man who had no doubt immensely influenced the rest of his life, no matter how long or short that might be right now. A few more lonely moments passed before he had gathered himself to continue. "They're just in your head… mental circuses supposed to wear you down, to break your spirit, to force you to quit… but the pain lets you build strength and… resiliency… embrace it.. makes you try harder... Jesus, Ed, if that was the case I'd be able to get up and walk outta here and find you… please, I don't wanna make the circus list anymore. I don't think I can do it again, and I am scared… I don't want to leave you or let sweetness and the baby grow up without me…"

"No one wants a circus," Rigs had told him. "A circus meant two hours of additional calisthenics for that day you didn't measure up… that there was more mental and physical fatigue to come, and more fatigue meant that the following day would be more difficult—and more circuses were likely. But at some time during SEAL training, everyone… and I mean everyone…. makes the circus list, and an interesting thing happens over time to those who were there constantly… they got stronger and stronger. Life is filled with circuses, son. You will fail. You will likely fail often. It will be painful. It will be discouraging. At times it will test you to your very core, but if you keep your head down and push through it, you'll come out stronger on the other side."

"Circuses and dreams and hot dogs... can't be afraid of th'm," Jamie mumbled to himself once more on that cold, dark hillside as he resolved to find some way to chunk off one more hour before giving up just as his dulled senses picked up on a familiar sound in the distance… an intermittent little jingle-type noise like the barest melody from a far away carousel bell that tinkled and disappeared and came back a few moments later just a tiny bit stronger again this time even as the breeze picked up and the sound of rustling leaves swirling around him in the hollow threatened to drown it out before he could comprehend its meaning as his heart jumped into his throat...

Sirens… they were coming back. His prayers had been answered.

SEAL Rule 5: But if you want to change the world, don't be afraid of the circuses.


"M'm sorry… m'm sorry… Please baby, don't cry. Damn it… I didn't mean it, Ed… s'not your fault… it's all mine. I don't know why I said that," Jamie closed his eyes and listened to his wife sobs on his shoulder before giving his concerned father a pleading, glassy-eyed look as he fought to bring the blurred face behind that dark caterpillar back into focus. "Please… I don't even 'member 'xactly what 'appened… Kaylin was dressed up like… was it something stupid 'bout ketchup?"

"Yes," Frank assured as he attempted once more to peel his emotional daughter-in-law off his still drowsy and obviously confused son. "Eddie, he was dreaming sweetheart, you know that. He was just all mixed up again coming out. You said yourself he watched that commercial a hundred times with Kaylin the other week and it was on while he was waking. Now c'mon and sit back up here… there you go. Isn't there something important you wanted Jamie to hear? You've been waiting to tell him for hours. I was wrong before. Let's focus on that second part," he reminded gently as he was finally successful in prying her away. "I think you both need a bit of that optimism right now."

"Wait, why're... you wearing different stuff?" Jamie puzzled as the bare minimum of his senses returned… enough to realize his wife and father were not dressed as he remembered when he had been taken back for that surgery. "Day is it?"

"It's Sunday night," Eddie sniffed and wiped her eyes as she tried to compose herself after the shock of hearing those words had driven her back into a state of absolute guilt over the situation amplified by hormones once more. "No, don't be afraid… Jamie, nothing went wrong," she added quickly as she saw a flash of fear cross his face once he realized what that could mean and she cursed the fact that despite her resolve she had done it again and was forcing him to wake up into another panic attack, especially after a deliberate glance down at his injured leg revealed a far smaller bulge under the blanket then had been familiarly present before. "Jamie, look at me and breathe," she demanded and then waited until his frightened eyes came back up to meet hers while her hand caressed his cheek. "Nothing's wrong," she repeated with a kiss on his forehead. "I'm so sorry I scared you. Dr. Kenzie wanted you to rest for a few days to make you feel better and get stronger so they kept you asleep… she took that metal thing off and put the other stuff inside and fixed some more blood vessels. The other doctor worked on the nerves. Your leg is there," she assured. "When the block wears off, you're really gonna feel it, but they didn't want to stop everything at once so probably by tomorrow morning. They did that Doppler test downstairs again today, and it was a lot better. Your number is higher now… cautiously optimistic, that's what she said. Those were her own words, lambchop... I swear. You can ask her yourself when she comes in to check on you before she leaves tonight," she urged as picked up his hand before bringing it to her face to hold and kiss the back of it. "You did it, Jamie… our prayers have been answered."

"Yeah?" he huffed as relief washed over him and he relaxed back and closed his eyes for a second to let that sink in. "Promise? M'my throat's sore."

"I promise that's exactly what she told us. I'll get you some ice chips. You had that little tube in to give you liquids and stuff, but it's out now and Aaron's already been in to get you fitted with the brace so that you can start getting out of bed… maybe even into the chair here tomorrow. I'm so proud of you," she encouraged as she continued to pepper him with gentle kisses. "You'll be able to get better so much faster, now."

"S'good, right?"

"It's very good," Frank agreed as he stepped into offer his own assurances although the pragmatic side of him felt the need to temper that with the reality he knew his son would soon be facing and the words that came to him were a familiar reflection of the time when he served in a uniform other than that of the NYPD. "Jamie the next part of this is not going to be easy," he added in a tone he knew would capture his youngest's focus to the greatest degree he was capable of at the moment and he waited until those tired, but now hopeful hazel eyes were locked back on him. "There are days when you will fail and be discouraged, son. It's going to be painful, especially in the beginning, and it will test you like nothing else you've ever had to do before, but you're strong and you will get through this. We're all going to be there for you though and don't be afraid of it or get down on yourself when it doesn't come easy. I know this is pot calling kettle, but promise me you'll ask for help when you need it, alright? Remember, there's no shame in that."

"S'sir," Jamie managed to rasp out through a dry throat, still impaired to a large degree and only marginally aware of the vastness behind what was just spoken by a father who was obviously fighting to control his own emotions through this. Danny was not the only one in the family to be affected deeply by Jamie's injury as well as this place that had brought them in contact with wounded soldiers in familiar straights, and Frank had found himself haunted by things he'd seen in the past that he thought had been tucked away for good years before too.

You will fail. You will likely fail often. It will be painful. It will be discouraging. At times it will test you to your very core.

###

"So he's really doing better?" Danny asked eagerly as he received an update from his father after nine o'clock that evening just as he pulled the car up to the curb outside Verdi's Pub in the quiet Whitestone section of northern Queens, a sleepy forgotten waterfront neighborhood of tree-lined streets, manicured lawns and salty breezes off the East River. Ironically at that moment he found himself less than ten miles away from Columbia Medical Center, but well over a thirty minute drive over the bridge even at this hour. "It's too late to come visit, right?"

"Yes, it's already after hours, detective," Frank informed his oldest with a small frown as the street lights flashed by outside the SUV's windows while he and Eddie were on a now familiar path home together to Bay Ridge. Danny had been preoccupied and distant that week and the two had not met face-to-face or spoken since that unfortunate incident after the meeting the other night as the Staten Island contingent of the Reagan family had begged off on Mass once again since Linda was not feeling up to the drive or an hour sitting in the pew that morning and Frank and Eddie had already departed before Danny and the boys had arrived solo for a quiet dinner with Erin, Nicki, Henry, Eva and Kaylin. "We just left him… he was up for a few hours, had some soft food and they gave him something mild to help him through the night, but he definitely looked better coming out of it and the news about his leg was encouraging. By tomorrow morning the block should have worn off though and Dr. Kenzie warned us this will be a difficult week. It would be good if you managed to get up there and see him," he added in a tone that let Danny know in no uncertain terms that his father was a bit disappointed in his previous efforts. "He needs everyone to be positive. I know things have been hard with Linda, and the last visit don't go well, but…"

"I will, tomorrow if I can, Dad… I promise, but we just caught a case," Danny vowed as he parked and turned the ignition off before revealing what would no doubt catch his father's attention the next morning when he reviewed the DD5's as was his habit. "Body dump on Washington," he explained carefully while hoping to downplay the rest by leaving out the first name. "Local drug dealer named O'Connor."

"Washington, you say… anywhere near…?"

"Yeah, same place," Danny cut him off and disclosed the current reason for his distant attitude. "Listen, I gotta go… I'm meeting a CI up in Queens in a few. I dropped Baez off at the 5-4 to start the paperwork and see what she could dig up on this dead guy so I gotta get back. I promise I'll get up there to see the kid tomorrow if I have a chance."

"All right, but I'd like to talk some time soon too, son," Frank asked quietly as Eddie shifted against his side once more, already succumbing to her exhaustion. "There's been a lot going on with everyone."

"I know, Dad… it's just… I'll try, okay?" Danny answered, already uncomfortable with that notion given the events of the last private conversation the two had shared. "I'll be in Bay Ridge Tuesday night for Kaylin's soccer practice. Maybe I can stop by afterwards. We'll talk more then. Later," he finished before ending the call abruptly and putting the phone down as he nervously regarded the bar's front door and checked his watch. This was a road he had never envisioned going down again, but frankly if the last time taught him anything it was that there was no one in the NYPD or FBI that could be trusted and he desperately needed a player on the outside of the family to help him look into this mess given the present state of the Reagan clan since it seemed like one more piece falling out of place was going to bring the whole Jenga tower down around them all. That meant coming to the one person he knew he could trust with this… that was if they bothered to show up to this meet since no one had been in or out of the front door since his arrival.

A sudden metallic tap tap on the driver's glass frayed his nerves down to the bare wire and he jumped in place and automatically reached for his gun.

"Jesus," he complained as he hit the button to roll the window down. "You of all people should know better than to do that to me."

"Hey, I do, it's just fun. What's this about, Danny boy? Been a while."

"Back by popular demand?" he answered as his eyes took in her appearance which was definitely softer and more feminine than he ever remembered seeing before, and if he was forced to admit there had always been a chemistry between them that left his eyes lingering on certain parts of her for longer than they should have. "Maybe it's time for a reunion tour. You look good. C'mon Jack… we doing this out here or do you want to go inside and get a drink with me? I'm buying."

"Well, hell does freeze over every once in a while doesn't it?" she smirked while remaining starkly suspicious of this sudden blast from the past, knowing his propensity for using people as he saw fit. "Inside I guess as long as it's for, uh, a farewell appearance, one night only. Now what's going on?" his former partner Jackie Curatola demanded again after they had made their way inside to a dark booth in the back and sat nursing a pair of scotches for a few minutes as the awkward tension continued to brew between them. "You look like crap, Reagan, even in this lighting. What gives?"

"So, it's nice up here," Danny deflected with small talk again as he looked across the table uneasily, knowing what he was about to ask would not be received well. "Kinda like a small town surrounded by the big city. Still working private security for that import guy out of Malba? Guess from what I heard it came with some perks you didn't have with me."

"For the most part, but you already know that Danny Reagan. After I took my leave I figured out being away from all the stuff that we saw every day was the best thing I ever did for myself. I have a nice life here, and I found those good people I needed around me after Bobby and I got together. We're talking about rings… family, settling down. I told you when I left that I didn't think I could erase the things I saw on the job, and maybe I can't completely… but they're covered up now for the most part, and they're gonna stay that way."

"Sometimes they don't, Jack," Danny finally pushed forward at that provided opportunity. "Sometimes things you think are buried and long gone come back to bite you in the ass again."

"Okay, if you say so. Why don't you just cut the crap and get to it then?"

"Because I'm gonna ask you to do something, Jack, I know you're not going to want to do it, but I need this. You know that Jamie got married and has a little girl now, right?" he started to explain.

"Yeah, sure… from that accident at the bridge last year. I saw the articles with your Dad about him adopting her and still follow the society pages so the wedding announcement a couple of months ago jumped out. Cute blond. She's on the job too, right? God bless them if they can keep it together and make it work through that. Saw he moved up to sergeant, and he's involved in some NYPD program for EDPs. Good for him; Jamie was always a sweetheart."

"Well, him and Eddie… they just found out they're having another baby in June. What you didn't hear though is what Dad's been able to keep quiet… that Jamie went down to Washington last week for a meeting and someone hurt him bad, Jack. Tried to make it look like a hit and run… broke his leg, shattered it really and some other stuff inside. We're lucky he lived through that first night. He just woke up again tonight after having his third or fourth surgery on Thursday. I can't even keep track of them anymore. Had to fly him up to Columbia Med in Upper Manhattan. That's where he is now in some kinda study… they're trying to save it, but I'm not sure that's gonna happen. Even if they do, he's probably done on the street."

"Damn, Reagan. I'm so sorry," Jackie's brow furrowed as she tried to connect the pieces with what he had already told her, knowing how close Danny was with his brother even if the two sometimes butted heads over their opposing styles in the family business. "No wonder you look so bad. But why are you here? You think it's someone in the department? It was a hit?"

"That's just it, Jack; I don't know. Detective in DC wrote it off already… there's hardly any evidence and no witnesses we can find that saw anything useful," he admitted as he took another long sip from his glass. "There's just some names coming up around the family again lately… Lydia Gonsalves, Sonny Malevsky."

"They're dead, Reagan."

"Yeah, that's what I was trying to tell myself at first. Jamie can't remember anything about the accident unless you believe that he got run down by Joe's old Chevelle. Crazy, right? Must have banged his head, except he keeps coming up with the same thing over and over again and you know how his brain works. Before you say I'm nuts, I mostly wrote him off too until tonight when I got called down to a body dump on the exact spot where our brother Joseph Conor Reagan died. Vic's name was Joseph O'Connor," he added and paused to let that series of name drops settle down. "I got nothing but a gut feeling here, but something doesn't smell right."

"You think the Blue Templar's behind this?" Jackie hissed incredulously with wide eyes as she was forced to remember that terrifying case that had nearly taken her own life when she was run off the road trying to tail one of the biggest dirty players. The fear of reliving something like that put her in instant denial. "That can't be, Danny… they're finished. Your father smoked them all out in that bar when they came out of their holes, didn't he?"

"Thought so, but it's more like somebody's resurrecting bits of the Templar to jerk our chains again… tossed a badge with Gonsalves' old number out in the street by my house… I think Eddie's car was tampered with… it wouldn't start the day this all happened in Washington. This feels personal, and the family's already a mess over what's happened to the kid. I gotta have something solid before I bring this back on them and I got no one else outside the department I trust who knows what went down the first time. They hurt my brother, Jack. That's why I'm here. He's safe now because he's in a place that gets locked down tighter than Ft. Knox, but I gotta know if he'll stay that way."

"You found a badge with a number she retired, what seven years ago? Did someone else have it since then too? Probably more than one, and you think the car was tampered with or it was?"

"Think, and there's another detective with that number under investigation by IA now."

"Then c'mon Danny… none of that sounds like it has anything to do with the Templar. Why can't it be about this other guy? Maybe he's pissed off at your dad and decided to heave his badge at the nearest Reagan. What's your partner say? 'Cause, it seems like you're chasing this case on your own, and you're only giving me half the information so she probably knows less than that. Are you freezing her out for a reason? I mean, what is it? What, you don't trust her, or... you think she's a lousy detective?"

"What kind of question is that? Maria's not part of this. She's a good cop, a great cop and I do trust her, but unless you went through it the first time, you don't know... you know?"

"I do know… I know how you get tunnel vision and tend to treat your partners as less than that before putting them on the outside of the box when things get personal, but you can trust me, Danny, with anything."

"I already know that… it's kinda why we're sittin' here, Jack."

"Then trust me when I tell you she's the one you need to be talking to... her or your family. You look like hell… no you look like I felt at the end, and maybe it's time you think about doing the same. Somebody hurt Jamie whether on purpose or not, and it's bringing up everything that you never dealt with before when Joe died or you came back from Iraq. Go talk to someone, it's time. Honestly, this all sounds like it's in your head more than anywhere else, anyway."

"It's not! Damn it! Just that nobody else would see it but you!"

"Reagan, you know I would walk on nails for you... but you are asking me to go against everything that I did for myself the past few years. I finally got myself healthy physically and mentally for the first time in forever. I'm happy now, truly happy with my life and I can't afford to get wrapped up in this stuff again. I'm sorry, but it's just too hard to get out once you're sucked back in."

"They almost killed my brother, Jackie. I can't just let that go," he insisted as that inference that this was nothing more than a grief-filled figment of his imagination filled with unrelated coincidences stung more than her refusal. She had never doubted him before, and she knew him so well. Was she right?

"I know you can't, Danny, but I have to," she sympathized softly before standing up and taking her leave. "I am sorry. Give my best to Jamie and the family. Next time you're up this way and want to have a drink… just a drink, give me a call," she added before reaching over to give him a gentle hug and turning to walk back out of his life again.


Ouch. Seems like the Reagan boys are getting pelted with seeds of doubt from some very important women in their lives. Jackie might have a change of heart later, but she's walked out of the story for now. Next up it's Jamie who feels the sting as his sister steps in again to try to influence him before the brothers commiserate as Danny finally travels north for a visit and finds himself making a promise that will come back to bite him in the ass, to use his own words, and set him up for another stunner of his own.