DISCLAIMER: I don't own SK. Only my own OCs.

going to kill my mom's laptop. my laptop is virus-ed and being cleaned (wahhhhhhh laptop i miss you sooooo!). i hate this one. note the grammar is bad in this author note (no caps, which is actually a pet peve of mine). trying to keep from using ALL CAPS TO SHOW MY ANGER THAT I HAD THIS ENTIRE AUTHOR NOTE WRITTEN OUT AND MOM'S LAPTOP DECIDES TO DO A RANDOM RESTART/UPDATE THING WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING FOR FINALS.

anyway, happy monthaversary. didn't get a chance to really read this chapter over. there won't be an update for a while, still need to write out the climax chapters. once those are straightened out i should be updating more regularly. my apologies for taking so long. blame school. had first finals today, more finals to come.

if there was anything else, i forgot. oh, this chapter has a theme song: Northern Lights Ballad Version. beautiful song, it plays instrumentally in the background of the episode (57...? dunno which exactly). i love it.

and now, for the chapter you've all been waiting for... ENJOY! :D

Fifty-Four: The Decision

'Catori.'

I winced, drawing myself together into a tighter ball. I didn't want to face the world. I needed to sleep, to recuperate, and the world was too cruel anyway. I was sore and barely awake, and I was pretty sure that I had just pretty much fallen out of the sky.

'Catori. Wake up.'

'Shut the hell up!' Nix should know better than anyone what I wanted, so why wouldn't he just leave me alone?

Frustration and impatience filled Nix's voice. 'Catori, you may want to do nothing, but you need to get up!'

My eyes snapped open, and I automatically swatted toward Nix's general direction - I missed. Angered, I made to push myself up into a sitting position, but when I realized how stiff I was, I froze in slight pain. Unable to make any sudden moves, I glared at Nix.

The phoenix stood on the ground directly in front of me and stared right back at me. 'We need to figure out what to do, Catori. Let's start with what just happened.'

I grimaced. 'You… you heard what Hao said, in that place. That there's no need to continue the Shaman Fight.'

Nix puffed out his feathers in annoyance. 'Don't you see what that means, Catori? Hao is going to go for the Great Spirits! He could be after you right now!'

'I know that, Nix!' I snapped. Suddenly, I found myself feeling empty of the anger and frustration I had just felt. Instead, I felt helpless and confused. I could understand that Hao had just used his almighty-ness to kick the X-Laws' plan into the dirt, which explained why I was sitting in the middle of the desert instead of wallowing away in the Gate of Babylon. But what happened to everyone else? Were they all right? Yoh, Manta, HoroHoro, Ren, Chocolove, Ryu, Faust - they had been pulled into the Gate too. They couldn't be…

After a moment, Nix let out an audible sigh and hopped closer. 'You're still hurt,' he reminded me gently, nuzzling my thigh. The black fabric of my tights was ripped and bloody, revealing a wound that was still glistening. Resignedly, I placed a hand there to heal the wound, doing the same to my back and to my cheek; at the same time, I alleviated the stiffness in my joints and muscles. Physically, I felt a lot better, but inside I just felt like crap. I actually probably looked like it too, covered in drying blood and dirt, and since I had lost my hair ribbon, so my hair was down and everywhere.

'If I hadn't been there, Yoh and the others might've been able to stop the X-Laws before Hao came,' I murmured.

'Don't think like that!' Nix snapped. It was his turn to glare. 'What happened happened, and you can't change it. What we need to do,' he went on more calmly but still urgently, 'is to go back to the Patch and tell them what happened; you need to stay protected.'

As I stared at Nix, I suddenly wanted to laugh bitterly. What he had said made no sense. 'They can't protect me. They didn't even try to just now, they're so afraid of interfering.' I let out a derisive snort. 'And I'm not even saying this as some weird whatever-you-call-me - I'm saying this as a member of their tribe.'

Before Nix could mask it, defensiveness radiated off of him. 'They're not bad people, Catori - you of all people should know that.'

'I do,' I replied, shaking my head in the sudden epiphanies I was having - it felt as if weights were being lifted off my shoulders, weights I didn't know existed. 'But the Patch seem just… afraid of the Great Spirits - and they're not something to be afraid of. If everything is in accordance to their will, then I think that our own free will is part of that.'

I fell backwards and just stared up at the sky. 'My blood is Patch, Nix…but I don't feel like one of them.' Not only did I feel somewhat regretful about this - I felt happy. 'I feel so much more like my home is at the En Inn, with Yoh and Manta and Anna and Ren and Horo and Pirika, Tamao, Faust - everyone. I don't want this… this existence. I don't want to be used anymore. Why, how, and who, remember? I think I'm supposed to decide what those mean - but I don't know yet. Though… I do know what I'm going to do.'

Nix instantly knew what I meant, and he didn't like it one bit. 'No. Absolutely not. Hao could kill you - Spirit of Fire could eat you.'

The thought of being consumed and ceasing to exist scared me - every living creature was afraid of death. Even though I had died too many times to count, I wasn't gone; I was never gone. But even still…

'I'm probably going to walk into a death trap - I get it.' I stared up at the passing clouds, wondering how many more times I would be able to see them. I had never thought anything like that before. 'But if I'm right about Ren having part of my aid, Hao won't be able to use me. It's not a failsafe thing; but I know Yoh and the others are going to try and stop him, and I can't just wait here.' To prove my point, I sat up, ready to stand and oversoul Nix so that I could get back to the village faster.

'You're not as strong as them,' Nix reminded me urgently, spreading his wings. 'You'd be more of a nuisance.'

'I know,' I admitted, 'but if Hao still believes he can use me, he won't hurt me. And I can heal the others.'

'Faust can do that.'

'Many hands make light work,' I retorted.

'Damn it!' Nix swore, shocking me. 'Catori, what if you're wrong? Hao will use you and kill all of us - every last human like that short boy, and the Ainu and the Tao and the itako and the Asakuras-'

'Nix,' I snapped, 'I know. But I'd have to be willing to help Hao for that to happ-'

'That's a lie and you know it,' Nix argued. 'We have no idea if willingness has anything to do with it.'

Abruptly, I stood, muscles stiff as I looked down at Nix. 'I can't leave them, Nix. I've left them long enough. I don't know what would be worse: regretting that I helped kill them, or forever wondering what would've happened if I had tried to help them?'

Nix and I stared at each other for many long moments. My resolve was strong; I had to try and help stop Hao. Not only because it was my obligation to the Great Spirits - even if it wasn't necessarily my duty - but like I said, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try. I would go back to just existing, or to wishing that, and I didn't want those things.

Finally, Nix seemed to deflate. 'I just don't want you to get hurt,' he admitted quietly. 'In any way. You've been hurt more in this life than in any other.'

My posture softened, as did my attitude, and I did something I could never remember doing before: I took Nix and hugged him, wings and all. I buried my face in his feathers; he smelled like smoke and fresh wind at the same time. 'I feel like this is the only life I've ever lived.'

I could tell that Nix was masking some sort of emotion, but I let him do it. After what could've been a second or a lifetime, he said, 'All the same, we should go check up with the Patch first. Hao might be out here looking for you.'

For some weird reason I let out a chuckle as I let go of Nix. 'Talk about a change in topic.'

Feeling determined but also heartened, I oversouled Nix and took off into the air toward the village, following the strong tug on my body. With each second that passed, I could feel Nix and I getting closer to whatever-it-was that awaited us at the end of our chosen path.

'What would I ever do without you, Nix?' I asked lightheartedly, trying to keep myself from the dark predictions at the edge of my mind. I was still worried about whether or not everyone was all right after the whole X-Laws fiasco.

'The same thing you're doing now,' Nix quipped. 'I can't keep you from doing anything. You're like a spoiled child.'

I laughed, my broken voice filling the air for a moment. 'Love you, too.'

Nix didn't reply, but his silence was still a comfort as I - no, we - flew on.

()()()()()()

It couldn't have been more than ten minutes, but it felt like an hour until I came across someone in the desert: Silva.

"Tori!" the priest greeted anxiously, holding onto the leg of his eagle spirit, his robes billowing in the wind. He approached quickly, obviously scared by my appearance, calling out, "Are you all right?"

Irritation surged through me. The Patch had left me all alone the entire time the X-Laws were trying to kill me! Granted, I had gone against what they had told me to do (and obviously not just when I left my room without a priest), but I was a member of their tribe! It didn't matter if I was "special" or not: Goldva was far too scared of the Great Spirits, of interfering.

'So now you come looking for me?' I spat, glaring at Silva. 'Now, after all that's happened?'

Silva winced and stopped short. When he opened his eyes fully again, I immediately saw the regret there in his irises. "I'm sorry, Tori, but-"

'You know, Silva, I've called the Ten Priests 'brothers' before, but that wasn't really the truth,' I interrupted. 'The only people who've actually treated me at least somewhat like a sister are you, Kalim, and Chrom. I don't care if I'm the Shaman King's aid, I'm your tribe mate - and it shouldn't matter that Goldva's too stupid to inter-'

"Tori!" Silva snapped suddenly, and I became silent in surprise.

Silva's face was hard, and with his hair whipping in the wind, I was reminded of Hao when the pyromaniac was a Patch. However, Silva's dark eyes were far softer, and he didn't look menacing. "Tori," he said again, "as soon as I saw on the Patch Monitor that you were out here, that the X-Laws" - he nearly spits out the name of the freaking cult - "had you, I left. Goldva and the others did nothing, but Kalim came with me. On the way, though, Mikihisa stopped us, saying that this could be the only chance of truly stopping Hao. He wouldn't let us pass."

I blinked in astonishment as I took in his words. So they had been trying to come and help me. I didn't get how they couldn't get past Mikihisa, but the man was mysterious, and I for one wouldn't want to get on his bad side at all. Still, though, I was pissed at Goldva and the other priests. 'Where's Kalim?' I asked, and I looked around as if he might pop out from behind a rock on the ground or something.

"We went looking for you," Silva explained. "I just split up with him to cover more ground - which reminds me," he added, lifting up his arm to look at his Oracle Bell. He readjusted his grip on his eagle spirit so that the bird was more holding onto him, and tapped the screen of the device. No doubt he was sending Kalim a message.

'Well?' I asked when he was done. 'What now?' Actually, I knew what I was going to do, but I needed to be aware of what the Patch wanted me to do, so I could think up a way to slip off to Yoh and the others.

Silva let out a small sigh, as if he were finally somehow relaxed. Of course, he wouldn't know about what Hao had said in the Gate of Babylon. "We really need to bring you back to the main chambers so Goldva and the others can see that you really are all right, but I think you need to see your mother first."

'Shima?' I asked, momentarily confused before I realized that she obviously was going to be worried about me. Instead of stopping to think, I blurted, 'But she won't let me out of her sight.'

Thankfully, Silva didn't realize that I was talking about me getting to Yoh and the others, and instead assumed I meant us going to see the other priests. "Don't worry, she will." Before he could say anything else, his Oracle Bell beeped, and he tapped the screen again. "We should go now," he said after a second of reading the message. "Kalim's on his way back."

()()()()()()

As soon as I walked in through the door, my mother was there. And by "there," I mean her arms immediately wrapped around me as she pulled me into a tight embrace. I stiffened under her touch, unused to such affection from her, but she didn't let go.

"I-I heard something," she hiccupped, "a-and I l-look out the w-window and…" She broke off into sobs, but I knew what she had meant to say. It still didn't make me feel any more comfortable.

Out of the corner of my eye, I looked pleadingly at Silva. He gave a small shake of his head, silently telling me to let my mother be comforted for another moment, and did nothing.

It hit me then, very suddenly: if Hao really was going after the Great Spirits right now, and Yoh and the others were going after him, and me after them (talk about a game of Follow the Leader), this could very well be the last time I saw Shima. Even more suddenly, I saw the resemblance between her and Tai: they had both cared about me, and I only felt guilt about not caring back. I had treated them both like they meant absolutely nothing; the only difference being that I felt guilt for Shima now, and onlyafter Tai and Maylin had died had I felt that for my past brother.

With these things in mind, I hugged Shima back, even if I didn't feel like her daughter.

It was her turn to stiffen, but I ignored it. I wasn't hugging her particularly hard or anything - my arms were just wrapped around her back - but I'd never hugged her before. I could practically hear the two sides in her mind: singing happiness and roaring confusion. I wasn't even close to trying to pick up her emotions, but suddenly came a spike of alarm: why would I be hugging her?

I immediately but slowly pulled away from her; I hardly felt anything but guilt when I hugged her, so there wasn't a big need to put on a poker face. 'Goldva and the other priests need to see me. We'll be back later, okay?'

I could see that Shima was hesitant. Obviously something was wrong; that was needless to say. She brooded over the answer for a second, but eventually her commitment to the tribe won over her curiosity, thank the Great Spirits, and she nodded. "Yes; go ahead."

"Hopefully we won't be gone long," Silva joked, bowing his head to Shima and guiding me out the door. I resisted the urge to take a look back lest my mother change her mind.

()()()()()()

The streets were crowded, and the topic of the day was the X-Laws' attempt of getting rid of Hao. Silva and I pushed through the crowds, going too quick for too many people to get a good look at me. Still, I wondered if any of these people realized what Hao was planning right now, that the Great Spirits were being threatened. That at any time Hao could become all-powerful and wipe out the planet.

When we finally came to the tunnel of stairs that led down to the priests' meeting chambers - as well as the path to the Holy Ground - the scent of smoke greeted us. Instantly, Silva and I both froze momentarily, shooting a glance at each other. He rushed down the stairs immediately.

I hesitated. Smoke could only mean one thing: Hao had been here. I extended my senses, but neither Hao's strong furyoku nor the presence of Spirit of Fire were there, which meant that he had already gone on. But still, I was afraid of taking that first step, because that would mean that I was really going to go through with it. That I was going to tell the others everything, that I was going to help them, that I could possibly be an aid to their death or an aid to Hao's or I could disappear completely down Spirit of Fire's gullet, depending on what happened. There would be no lies to protect me down there.

Anything could happen.

In a weird way, the thought excited me. Unpredictability. The idea that things weren't going to be set down for me anymore. The thought of a final death still terrified me, but… I was free to choose what to do.

So I took the first step down the stairs.

I went at a normal pace, a million times slower than Silva had gone. I kept one hand on the cold, rough rock wall. Even though I could see the light at the end of the steep stairway tunnel from here, it felt like the darkness could swallow me if it wanted to. Maybe it was my own fear. It felt as if I were trapped in the shadow of the tunnel, tangled in tendrils of darkness. I froze, just inside the line of shadow at the bottom of the stairs.

Inside the main cavern, just before the tunnel to the Forbidden Forest, was everyone - the Patch, Yoh's team, Ren's team, Anna, Manta, Tamao, Pirika, Jun, Pailong, and all the spirits, gathered around Mikihisa's form on the ground. From here, I could smell burnt flesh.

How could I just barge in and yell out the truth, especially with the Patch there? They all knew I was suspicious, especially after the X-Laws fiasco, but I was suddenly afraid again. Even after all my resolve to come out in the open, I still wanted them to accept me. They had been the only ones aside from Tai who hadn't treated me differently - except for Ren, he had always treated me like a spy.

'Speaking of the Tao,' Nix whispered, 'now's a good time to check.'

I hesitated, but as the group continued to speak, I inched my senses forward, cautious; part of me really did want to know if Ren had part of my aid, but another part was… apprehensive about diving into his mind. In any case, I focused on the back of his head, just at the point where his tongari began. I hesitated once more, and then entered his mind.

I was nearly swept away. Ren's thoughts were very to-the-point, but they were strong. Mostly, he was focusing on what was being said (furyoku numbers, I think; I'd always hated that system, as I prefer to think that it matters more about how you use your furyoku than how much you have), but in the back of Ren's mind, it seemed as if he had come to an important decision. Before I could glean what it was, absolute shock entered his mind as Goldva said, "Hao's furyoku level is over one-and-a-quarter million."

The momentary turbulence nearly expelled me from Ren's consciousness, and I had to hold on tightly to keep from losing the connection to him. I dug deeper into Ren's mind, and I could feel him stiffen, realizing that he was being intruded, and I hastened the search, moving my senses to the pit of his stomach, where his furyoku was. It was a blinding gold, which really pissed me off because I was looking for a bit of just a darker, reddish shade of that and - there it was.

I only brushed against it for a second, but I could tell: that furyoku, that tiny bit of reddish gold furyoku that was only good for one thing - and it wasn't fighting, let me tell you - radiated a part of my aura.

I immediately pulled myself out of Ren's consciousness and shrunk back against the wall, nearly tipping back and falling flat on my behind. Ren had glanced back and was looking in my direction, but if he had noticed me, he did nothing and turned back toward the conversation, where Yoh and the others were beginning to take off their Oracle Bells and dropping them on the ground - exactly why, I wasn't sure. I suddenly didn't feel much sure of anything, except for the fact that I had seriously fucked up.

There was no question: when the time came for the Shaman King to be chosen, the only one it could be now was Tao Ren. Well, if Hao didn't manage to kill us all first.

With the boys - aside from Ren, actually - having taken off their Oracle Bells, Silva and Kalim led them, plus Jun and Pailong only, to the jagged tunnel that led to the Forbidden Forest, and, beyond that, the Holy Ground. For a moment, I wondered what I had missed concerning Silva during my walk down the stairs, because the priest seemed to have forgotten about me, but I could forgive him for that. Besides, I had to do things myself now.

Which was going to be really hard, by the way, because for a second I couldn't seem to control my breathing. I mean, I had had the idea that Ren might have my aid, but now that I really knew it was both a relief and a burden, if that was possible. In any case, I dug my nails into my palms, took a shuddering breath, mentally clung to Nix like my life depended on it, and hurried into the cavern.

Immediately, the priests saw me. So did Anna. Actually, everyone did after a moment, but it felt like the stares came from the priests and Anna (whose look seemed to be magnified ten times more than the priests' combined). The silence was so tense that Manta, Tamao, and Pirika, who had been looking at the jagged tunnel worryingly, finally noticed me. On the ground, Mikihisa's face was pointed toward me, but I had no way of knowing if his eyes were open or not. In any case, the most noticeable of his features was the burnt flesh on his legs that had been half-wrapped with bandages. Need I have to take a stab in the dark on who the culprit was?

I was sure they were taking in my state. I hadn't bothered to clean up, knowing that I was probably just going to get bloody again anyway. I probably looked like a stranger, with my hair dirty and cascading everywhere, my clothes torn. And also with no seeable wounds. Out of the blue, I wondered if I looked like a murderer.

Nobody spoke. A minute (or an hour, it was that tense) passed, and then one more. Finally, I snapped straight into a sprint toward the tunnel to the Forbidden Forest.

Immediately, two demons blocked my path, and I stopped short. Zenki and Kouki.

I whirled around. 'Let me help them, Anna! I can lead them!'

I was sure that everyone in the room was shocked, but I kept my eyes on Anna, who just looked at me through her narrowed black eyes, arms crossed. Her red bandana was bright against her neck, and for a second I imagined it to be blood, and it reminded me of the battle looming on the horizon. This only made me look at Anna all the more intensely - and imploringly.

Footsteps caught my attention, and Goldva took my attention away from the itako. The chieftain was just about glaring at me, his wrinkles hard-edged. He began to clear his throat, but I ignored him and looked back at Anna.

'I lied, Anna, but I did tell you as vaguely as I could what I do. I know how to get to the Great Spirits. I know Faust's already with them, but I can help heal-'

"Catori," Goldva snapped, and I looked to see that he and the other priests had pale faces, and were looking at me as if I had sprouted two more heads.

I looked back to Anna. Her expression hadn't changed, but before either of us could do anything, a voice piped up:

"…I thought so."

Startled, I turned to Manta, as did all eyes. The short boy was looking straight at me, his eyes wide and astonished as he continued, "When you guys left for America… I thought I heard you. I did hear you." He blinked his wide eyes. "…You did lie…"

I nearly wanted to cry. Manta didn't outwardly appear to feel betrayed, but he seemed to be in some sort of shock. His look was mirrored in Tamao, and though while Pirika's eyes were wide, her expression soon became hard. "You lied to Onii-chan?"

I felt the need to become defensive, but I did my best not to overdo it. I had this one shot to apologize correctly. 'I lied to all of you, and I'm so, so sorry. I never wanted to.'

"Catori!" Goldva repeated, and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore.

I rounded on the Patch. 'I don't give a damn what you say anymore! Maybe I'm one of you by blood, but you don't treat me like one! I'm only this… this thing to protect until I help the Shaman King! But even then, you all do a shitty job by leaving me for the X-Laws because you're too afraid of interfering! Well, I'll tell you what, I became biased forever ago, and I'm not afraid to say so anymore!'

Even though I really wasn't yelling out loud, I felt out of breath and slightly shaky. 'I'm Patch by blood,' I added, 'but I don't want to be.'

"Hao will use you!" Goldva roared.

A smirk came to my lips, and it felt slightly unnatural. 'He can try.'

Angered, Goldva stomped his walking stick into the ground, and several of the priests began to rush toward me. I backed up, ready to oversoul Nix, but there was no need: Zenki and Kouki suddenly blocked the way of the priests.

Surprised, I turned to look at Anna. Nothing about her facial expression had changed, but she gave a slight nod, though I could somehow tell from her eyes that if I managed to get Yoh hurt, well, you can finish that thought for yourself. Tamao looked shell-shocked, staring at me silently like Mikihisa appeared to be doing (though his facial expression was hidden from me). Manta's eyebrows were scrunched up, as if I were a particularly difficult math problem, and his mouth was slightly open. Pirika, though, had the most emotion of her face.

"You had better make sure Onii-chan is all right!" the Ainu girl warned. Immediately, she bit her lip, and I could see the worry in her eyes, and I could imagine her adding, "Be careful, too."

I nodded to them all and whirled around and dashed off toward the jagged tunnel before the priests could somehow manage to get past Anna's demons. As I ran, my heart tightened and I had to hold back tears.

I'm so sorry, for everything. I'll do my best.

Even as I thought this to myself, I couldn't help but think of the worst that could happen.

If I get the chance, I'll tell you everything.