Chapter Fifty-Three

Watson frowned as she hung up the phone. Charlie's shift was meant to have started ages ago but the Senior Constable had neither shown up nor called. She was worried about her. It wasn't like Charlie to neglect work. But then, her life had definitely been a mess lately.


Charlie sat in the waiting room of the hospital feeling like it was the end of the world. Rachel had convinced Joey to let her take her in to get treated properly. A couple of her injuries looked like they needed stitches. Charlie had followed in the car, barely able to see through her tears. How long had this been going on for? How had she not realised how bad things were for Joey? Why couldn't she have seen past her own pain and been there for her? They had loved each other for their entire lives. She hated herself for letting her down like that.


Joey lay back against the hospital bed feeling sick. Rachel had stayed with her from the house to the hospital and she had been very kind but the nicer she was, the worse Joey felt. She didn't deserve sympathy. It wasn't as if she'd had some kind of accident. She'd done this to herself. She didn't deserve clean sheets and a comfortable bed. It wasn't her place to receive kindness and support and promises that everything would be alright. And she felt terrible for dragging Charlie into her mess. She'd pushed her away but she wondered if she'd come to the hospital anyway.

"Charlie's sitting outside," Rachel said.

Joey looked up, startled, wondering if her friend could read her mind.

"I don't want to see her," she said. "Just tell her to go home."

"I don't think that's going to work."

Joey just shrugged.

"Listen, Julie will stitch you up and then another Doctor is going to come and talk to you," Rachel explained gently. "Perhaps after that you and Charlie could have a chat. She could take you home and you could try and work things out."

"I didn't do this because of her," Joey said quickly.

It was true. She hadn't. Charlie was just the last thing to break her. Looking back now it had been a long time coming.

"I know."

"And before you start psychoanalysing me, it wasn't a cry for help," Joey told her. "I didn't want help."

"I know," Rachel said, keeping her tone soft. "I know. But you do need help. You need support and I want to give it to you. And so does Charlie."

"No she doesn't. She just feels guilty."

"She loves you, Joey."

"She doesn't," Joey said certainly. "Not anymore."

"I really wouldn't be so sure."

The door opened and Julie entered the room looking unhappy. Rachel turned to her, explaining what she needed to do. Julie's tone was monosyllabic.

"Do you have a problem, Julie?" Rachel asked.

"I just don't see why we're spending time and resources on cases like this when there are people who really need our help," Julie said sourly.

"This patient does need our help," Rachel said seriously.

"She hurt herself."

"And?"

"She's wasting our time."

Rachel took Julie to one side, safely out of Joey's hearing distance, ready to snap.

"Don't you dare say that in front of the patient!" she hissed. "Don't you think that if someone is distressed enough to injure themselves then they must be in a pretty bad way?"

"Well..."

"So stop judging her and fix her up. Be respectful and kind and treat her in exactly the same way as you would treat anyone. I expected better from you."

Chastised, Julie headed back to Joey who was studying her hands. She'd heard the beginning of the conversation and had tried not to cry with shame, convinced that Julie was right. Nurse and patient frowned at each other.

"I just need to do your stitches," Julie said quietly.


Rachel found Charlie sitting on the row of plastic chairs. She came to sit beside her.

"How is she?" Charlie asked worriedly.

"She's just getting stitched up," Rachel explained. "She told me to tell you to go home but don't. She's going to need someone to drive her home if nothing else."

Charlie nodded. She still felt ill. There had been so much blood and too many tears.

"Will she be okay?" she asked.

"She'll heal," Rachel confirmed.

"No, I mean, will she be okay?" Charlie asked more urgently.

She looked directly into her friend's eyes.

"I honestly can't tell you," Rachel said. "It doesn't take a genius to work out that Joey's suffering from depression. That's something she's going to need to work through and she's going to need a lot of support to try and learn non self-harming behaviour. It's not going to be easy for her. And right now, I don't even know if she wants to try. She didn't come to us for help, Charlie. You found her. She got caught. Right now, she's still very broken. It's going to be a very long road to getting her well again."

Charlie nodded, feeling tearful again.

"But on a more positive note, she did agree to come to the hospital when I asked her to. That's a good sign. I've arrange for a psychiatrist to come and speak with her and we'll see where we go from there."


Ruby lost herself in the music as she danced. She shut her mind down from the stress of home. Charlie and Joey hadn't really spoken for two months and it was excruciating. All she could hope for was that they would both gather their senses and get back together. Being apart just wasn't right. She hadn't been home all day. The atmosphere was tense. She'd left early and spent the day with Annie and now they were all partying together for New Year. Charlie was working the night through and goodness knows what Joey would be doing. She smiled when she felt Xavier slip his arms around her waist and kiss her cheek.

"Happy almost New Year," he said.


Joey's thighs were stitched and Julie had left. Now she was being interrogated by a mental health Doctor who wanted to know why she felt the need to hurt herself. Joey had just about managed to explain her history, that she felt numb and hateful and that everybody left her. She told her about her parents and Brett and Elsie and Zoe and Charlie and how alone she felt. She explained that nobody was ever meant to know about it and how she hadn't meant it to get this far. She'd apologised over and over again until tears had overwhelmed her. The Doctor had suggested she come and see her more regularly. Joey had protested she'd not felt strong enough to argue really and so an appointment had been set for the New Year.


Charlie and Rachel looked up when the psychiatrist entered the corridor.

"Charlie?" the blonde woman said.

Charlie stood and hurried over.

"She's ready to talk to you now."

Relief flooded Charlie's soul and she moved to hurry into the room. Rachel caught her arm.

"I'm going to head home," she told her. "If I hurry I can be in time to count the New Year in with Tony."

"Fuck!" Charlie gasped.

All thoughts of New Year and her shift had completely flown out of her head the moment she'd seen the state Joey was in. She apologised sincerely to Rachel about keeping her so late, who said it didn't matter and hurried away. Charlie considered phoning the station but considering her shift would be over in a few hours anyway and the world hadn't ended without her presence, she figured it didn't matter. She didn't want to delay seeing Joey any longer than she had to. Thanking the Doctor, she took a deep breath and pushed open the door to Joey's room. It was sad to see her lying on the bed so small and fragile. Shyly, she approached the bed. Pale, Joey turned to look at her.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't mean for you to find me like that. It was supposed to be a secret."

Charlie tentatively reached out to hold Joey's hand. It was limp but at least she didn't draw away.

"I'm glad I did find you, Joey," Charlie said. "I'm sorry I didn't know before. I'm sorry I... I'm sorry."

Charlie's tears dripped onto their joined hands. Joey looked away, a lump forming in her throat.

"I should have..." Charlie tried. "I just..."

"May I have a lift home please?" Joey asked, still not looking back at Charlie.

"Of course."


Tony leapt to his feet the moment he heard the key turn in the lock. Rachel appeared in the doorway.

"What on earth happened to you?" he asked worriedly.

She fell into his arms, exhausted.

"It's a very long story," she said.


Charlie and Joey arrived home at five to midnight.

"Can I get you anything?" Charlie asked.

It had been a silent drive home and now they both felt awkward. There was so much to say and yet neither knew how to begin a conversation.

"I think I'll just go to bed," Joey said.

Charlie followed her up the stairs. She frowned when Joey pushed open the door to the spare room. Charlie caught hold of her hand.

"It's still a mess in there," she said, hardly able to look at it.

She felt haunted by the memories of the day. She led Joey by the hand into the room they had once shared. Joey nervously complied but froze at the prospect of them sharing a bed again.

"I don't want your pity, Charlie," she said. "You don't have to be nice to me again just because you feel sorry for me."

"You don't have my pity," Charlie said. "You just have my love."

Joey stared at her for a few moments, feeling lost and unsure. Knowing she didn't really want to be by herself, she turned away and began to undress. Charlie slipped out of the room to get her a pair of pyjamas. She carefully presented them, without looking. Joey accepted them gratefully. Charlie got changed and the two of them slipped beneath the covers. The clock struck twelve.

"Happy New Year, I guess," Joey said.

The words seemed terribly misplaced.

"Happy New Year," Charlie said.

Silence fell between them.

"Joey, I'm so sorry I let you down," Charlie finally managed.

"You didn't."

"But you were going through all this stuff and I didn't even know."

"How would you have known? We weren't talking."

"Exactly! I'm sorry."

"You thought I cheated on you. Of course you weren't going to talk to me," Joey said flatly.

Charlie chewed her lip.

"I didn't. In case you wanted to know."

Charlie's heart ached with the sadness in Joey's voice. She closed her eyes.

"Joey, what's your interpretation of what happened that night?" Charlie asked.

"We were fighting. I came to the Juke to see you. I found you with Roman and I panicked. Thinking about it now you were probably just talking to him but in the mind-frame I was in, I was sure it was something more. So I left. I ended up on the beach. I don't really know what happened next. It was like I was out of my body. I knew Kayla was there but I could hardly see, hear or feel anything. I was just so consumed with my certainty that I'd lost you. Then I realised she'd kissed me. Then you were there. Then you were gone. And it felt like my life was over."

The words were simple but heartbreaking. Charlie was awash with guilt.

"Is that why...? Is it my fault...?"

"No. It was just the last thing in a long line of stuff that I never dealt with. It's not your fault."

"I should have handled it differently," Charlie said. "I'm sorry. I knew you'd seen me talking to Roman. That's why I came to find you in the first place. It's just that when I saw you kissing her... or thought I saw you... it broke me. I just couldn't cope. I'd been so paranoid about Kayla and we'd been fighting and everything..."

"I understand."

Joey looked up at the ceiling. They still had glow in the dark stars up there. She'd missed them in the spare room and they offered comfort to her now.

"I thought you'd seen me talking to Roman, jumped to conclusions and taken revenge," Charlie admitted. "I thought you'd gone and done the one thing that would hurt me the most, the thing I was paranoid about."

"I would never have done that," Joey said softly.

"I know. Rationally I know that. But seeing the two of you lying there... I just..."

"I get it. I probably would have reacted the same way," Joey admitted. "I would have been heartbroken. But it wasn't what it looked like. I'd never want to be with anyone but you."

Charlie's heart was still racing. It had been far too long since she'd lain beside Joey. They weren't touching but she desperately wanted to hold her. She didn't know where they stood with each other right now but all she wished was that they could put the pieces of their broken relationship back together and start again. She tentatively moved her hand across the sheet and caught hold of Joey's. Relief surged within her when her ex-girlfriend did not pull away.

"How are you feeling?" Charlie asked. "Physically?"

"Okay. I wish there hadn't been so much drama. I'm sorry for causing such a fuss."

"I'm sorry you've been handling this alone for so long."

Joey shrugged and then surprised herself with a yawn.

"Sleepy?"

"Yeah."

"Get some rest," Charlie said gently. "Maybe we can talk some more in the morning."

Joey nodded and closed her eyes, preparing for sleep. Charlie studied her profile.

"Can I hold you?" she asked nervously.

Joey smiled. All she wanted these last few months was to rest in Charlie's arms, seek comfort in her embrace.

"That would be nice," she replied.

Charlie leant in and wrapped her arms around her. She wanted to move in close but stopped short. Sensing her hesitation, Joey sighed.

"Charlie, if I disgust you now, forget it," she said coldly, moving to turn on her side, away from her.

"No!" Charlie protested. "I just didn't want to hurt you. I was afraid of hurting you."

Joey relaxed a little. Just because you disgust yourself doesn't mean Charlie feels the same way, she coached herself. She's here, after all.

"I can work around you," Joey said.

She moved to curl herself around Charlie's body, careful of her injuries and grateful to be allowed to hold her tight. Things were far from fixed and there was a lot to talk about. Joey was painfully aware that she had started something that would take a long time to recover from. It couldn't be stitched up and forgotten about. There was a long and winding road ahead of her but she hoped that she might not be so alone with it anymore.


January 2010

When Joey woke up, she was still tired but she felt comforted by the fact that she was resting against Charlie. It was a sensation she never thought she'd have again. Blinking up at her, she watched her come to.

"Hey," Charlie said softly. "How are you feeling?"

"Humiliated," Joey replied.

"You don't need to. I'm here for you."

"Why?"

The simple word hung in between them. Charlie wasn't sure how to answer it.

"Because I love you," she told her.

"Why now?" Joey asked.

There was nothing but sorrow in her voice.

"Why couldn't you love me before?"

"I did love you before."

"But you wouldn't even look at me."

"I thought... I thought you'd..."

Charlie looked down, wondering now how she could ever have believed Joey was capable of cheating on her.

"I'm sorry," she said. "But we can fix this."

She took both of Joey's hands in hers and kissed the tips.

"It's not as simple as that."

Charlie nodded, her heart heavy. It was definitely not as simple as that. For all the pain she'd been in, for all the suffering she'd been through, Joey had fallen into an even darker place. Stitching her up, applying bandages and holding her through the night wasn't going to solve everything.

"Can I get you something?" she asked. "Some breakfast? Coffee? Juice?"

"You don't need to take care of me. You're not responsible."

"I want to take care of you."

Joey searched her face. She didn't want to be a burden to Charlie and she didn't want her to fuss just because she'd made a mess of her life.

"Some juice would be nice," she said.

Charlie slipped out of bed, pausing only to pull her robe around her before she carefully headed out of the room. Padding through the house and into the kitchen, she was surprised and guilty when she saw Ruby sitting at the table. She hadn't even thought to check on her. The teenager had stayed at Annie's but Charlie felt she should have at least checked on her. And she hadn't called work or anything. As soon as she'd found Joey hurt, every other responsibility in her life had flown out of the window.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Rough night on patrol?" Ruby asked worriedly.

"Um..."

She couldn't think of a way to explain everything that had happened. Instead she busied herself with making drinks. Ruby eyed her curiously.

"Two glasses?" she asked.

Charlie froze.

"And I heard voices coming from your room..."

"Ruby..."

"Please tell me you've got Joey in there."

Charlie whirled around.

"Of course it's Joey!" she said, horrified that anyone would think that she would ever be with anyone but Joey ever again.

"Are you back together?" Ruby asked hopefully.

"No."

"But..."

"We're talking again. And I hope that we can work through it all. But it's really early days. Please don't get excited, Rubes," Charlie said softly.

Her little sister nodded.

"I'm going to..."

Charlie jerked her head in the direction of the door. Ruby smiled and Charlie headed back to the love of her life. She found her sitting up in their bed, covers wrapped tightly around her. Charlie crept back into the room and handed her glass over. She then moved beneath the sheets beside her.

"Charlie, none of what's been happening, none of what happened last night was your fault," Joey said, studying her orange juice. "You don't need to try any make up for anything by being nice to me. You don't need to make amends."

"That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm just..."

"What?"

"I just want to help you."

"Why? It was obvious that I was miserable before," Joey said. "And you didn't talk to me. You continued living in this house with me, shutting me out, ignoring me. What's changed?"

"Well..."

It seemed blindingly obvious to Charlie what had changed. She'd found her ripping her own body apart. How could she ignore that?

"You feel sorry for me?" Joey accused, gently rather than nastily.

"No. It's not..."

Charlie sighed, unsure of how to explain herself.

"Joey, I've been missing you so much," Charlie said. "Every single day I've wanted to talk to you, fix things and I've come so close to it but I've never known what to say. It hasn't been easy for me either. I've missed you, Joey. I've needed you. I've wanted you."

"Then why didn't you?" Joey asked desperately.

"I thought you'd cheated on me."

"But I wouldn't have! How could you have just cut me out without talking to me? Didn't you think there was an explanation?"

"I'm sorry!" Charlie said, squeezing her eyes shut. "I should have. It's just that every time I thought about it, all I could see was you with her hands and mouth all over you. I..."

Joey sipped her drink.

"And you thought I'd cheated too," Charlie reminded her. "And I was just talking to the guy."

Joey sighed. She hated that Charlie was right. She'd completely jumped to conclusions and begun a chain of events that she wished whole heartedly that she could take back now.

"Sorry," she said.

"I'd just like to forget it now," Charlie told her. "All I want to do is deal with what's happening now. Together."

"Because you love me or because you pity me?"

"Because I love you."

Joey looked uncertain.

"I thought you hated me," she admitted. "All this time I thought you hated me. I thought I'd lost everything – my girlfriend, my soul mate, my best friend, my life partner, my world."

"I couldn't hate you if I tried," Charlie said. "I mishandled the whole thing and I'm sorry. I fucked up. I completely fucked up and I want to make it up to you. I want to help you through this – in whatever way you'll let me."

They looked in each other's eyes, searching each other's souls.

"It'd be nice to have a friend," Joey admitted.

"A friend," Charlie repeated softly.

She was disappointed to have confirmation that she and Joey were only friends but friends were better than nothing.

"I can do that," she said. "I can be your friend. I can support you. Whatever you need. I want... need to be part of your life again."

"Thank you," Joey replied.