"She's going to be okay Lincoln."
James reached out to grip the young man's shoulder, seeing his eyes wide with almost disbelief as they sat outside of the bedroom door. "No man, you didn't hear the way she was crying in pain. And the blood – she was sitting in a pool of blood," Lincoln whispered hurriedly, the words seeming to spill from his trembling lips.
"Stop," Daryl replied, his hands clasped in front of him as he let his head hang down between his knees.
"What do we do if she dies, James? How do we live after that," the teenage boy questioned, looking up at his de-facto guardian. Daryl's head whipped up at his words, his eyes narrowed in anger, "She's not fucking dying, alright? She's tougher than that so shut yer fucking mouth and stop talking about it – the worst thing that'll happen is that she'll lose the baby."
The former medic moved to look at Evan's partner, shaking his head as he knelt down in front of him. "You know that isn't the worst thing that's going to happen to her. She hasn't been half the person she was since losing Carter and if she has to go through this, she won't make it. You and I both know that," James snapped in reply, turning just as the door opened.
All three men stood as Hershel and Maggie both stepped out of the room, the younger woman disappearing into the bathroom at the end of the hallway. "How is she Doc," Daryl asked before the others could get the words out, his hand balled into a fist at his side. "Well, she hasn't miscarried yet, which is just about the only good thing I have to say about her condition right now. She's been sick, but it isn't just a cold – Evan's got some kind of infection and her body's doing everything it can right now to heal itself. Even if it's at the cost of your child," Hershel replied gravely, the hunter feeling the tension in his jaw multiply tenfold. "What do we do?" The doctor sighed and shook his head, letting Maggie move past him with a glass of water, "Get some antibiotics into her and some food, let her rest and hope that the contractions stop soon. They've gotten further apart now, which is a good sign, but they're still in distress Daryl. You need to start thinking about what we might have to do…"
The implication in his words seemed to take the wind right out of him, the hunter remembering the last time he had seen her that morning.
"Yer running a fever, Ev," Daryl said as he pulled on his jacket and crossbow, his woman sitting curled up on the couch. She glared at him and coughed into her shirt, shaking her head, "But it feels like I'm freezing to death. My whole body is cold."
He jerked a comforter off of the floor, crossing the room quickly to wrap her in it, shaking his head. "I'm gonna find ya some soup or something on the run. Are ya sure that yer gonna be okay up here alone? Maybe ya should have Lori or Maggie sit with ya while I'm gone…"
"No, I'm gonna get some sleep. I'm alright Daryl, I promise."
"Yer a shit liar," he muttered even as he gave her a smirk, leaning forward to press his lips to her forehead. Daryl held her a few moments longer than he usually did before heading towards the door, pausing to look back at her, "I love ya – ya know that, right?"
Evan just smiled and gave a cough before he turned, walking out the door without hearing her say anything else.
"I need to see her," the hunter said quietly, refusing to meet anyone's eye. Hershel seemed to debate whether or not that was in either one of their best interests, before stepping aside, Daryl almost impatient with the way he opened the door.
Evan was lying with her back to him, the quick shifting of her ribs letting him know that she wasn't asleep – she was crying. "Baby." His voice broke and she couldn't help the reflex of answering his worry and fear, hearing the pet name whispered with a desperate urgency. Evan knew that he was trying his best to keep it together for her, knowing that he was at his wits' end as well, "Go away." Her voice shook and she could barely speak for the quiet sobs that wracked her, not wanting his pity for her failures.
The bed sank underneath Daryl's weight as he laid down beside her, Evan feeling the hot burn of irrational anger rushing through her veins. "Let go of me!" He only wrapped his arms around her more tightly, not wanting to hurt her, but knowing that he had to be with her through this, even if she didn't want him to be. "I can't let ya do this by yer self Evan – I love ya and I won't let ya hurt without me. I can't," Daryl replied, feeling her twist just enough to press her face into the pillow. Evan would have scream had it not been for the torrent of tears and the knot in her throat, the woman fisting her hand in the blanket by her head.
It practically broke him to hear her crying like a wounded animal, his fingers moving to smooth her hair down as he sought to comfort her the best way he could. "I'm sorry baby; I'm so sorry," Daryl said, wishing that there were any other words for him to say but knowing that while inadequate, they were all he had.
"I've done everything I can to protect him, to keep him and for what? For what," Evan finally screamed out, ripping her face out of the pillow to shout at the world. Daryl wrapped his fingers around hers and tried to channel as much love and strength through the tiny gesture as he could muster, "It's not fair, Evan, but it's not yer fault. And it's okay to be upset, to be angry because it's not fair. Ya don't have to be the strong one now, so fall apart if ya have to – I'm here to put ya back together again. This isn't over yet, but we can face it in the morning. We'll face it together."
He rubbed his hand up and down her arm in an almost panicked fashion, desperate in his attempt to soothe her. And then there was the low sound of James' voice in the hallway, Evan seeming to recognize the words as she quieted, "Well I've never felt so ready, think it's finally time… because that big old world is waiting and its mine, all mine."
"Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright," Evan whispered so quietly Daryl could barely hear her singing. "And a man took my hand, said 'don't worry baby, momma's gonna be alright'."
"It's gonna be alright..."
It was silent in the room then, and everyone sitting and standing in the hallway were thankful that she had stopped wailing. James continued to sing the same song that Danny used to comfort her after their miscarriages, hoping that it would again bring her some peace and relief. Despite how cold it was that night, their empathy seemed to pour forth with warmth, their family pulling together to comfort those in need.
Everyone looked up at the sound of bare feet on the stairs, Glenn and T-Dog both jumping to their feet when they saw that it was Evan. "Here, let me help you," Glenn said as he sought to assist her, the woman raising a hand even as she kept the other firmly underneath her stomach. "I'm alright, I just needed to get out of that room. I've been up there for a week and I can't take it anymore…"
They kept their eyes on her even as she made her way to the kitchen, Carol chewing her lip anxiously when she thought of how mad Daryl and James would be when they got back from their supply run with Rick to see her directly disobeying her partner, her friend and her doctor.
Evan padded towards the water jugs, feeling a twinge of annoyance at how weak she was with picking one up. "Here, let me," Maggie said quietly, the first to breach the tension in the house over her and her pregnancy without being the least condescending. "Would you like tea? Rick brought some back for Lori a few days ago – even found sugar."
"Coffee, please."
The two women were joined by Lori, the more heavily pregnant woman eyeing her, "You know as well as I do that you don't need coffee in your condition. Isn't good for you or the baby."
"Yeah, well my kid isn't as well behaved as yours and he's kept me up for the past two nights. So now, it is either coffee or passing out from exhaustion and I don't need another nightmare right now. I haven't even woken up from this one yet," Evan snapped in reply, Maggie throwing Lori a pointed glare. The older woman sighed and returned to the living room, leaving her friend in Maggie's care. It was quiet as Maggie set a teapot on the camper stove on the counter, sighing thankfully as Evan took a seat.
She chuckled at something and Maggie turned to look at her, raising an eyebrow, "Something funny?"
"Only the way that everyone's looking at me like I'm going to break. I had a scare and it's over now – we can all go back to normal."
"Honey, what the hell is normal?"
When Evan had her coffee, Maggie left her in silence to collect her thoughts, the young woman's hands clasped tightly around the hot mug. She didn't bring it to her lips, instead allowing her hands to warm and inhaling the steam from her drink, allowing it to help clear her head.
Heavy boot steps came towards her and Evan looked up, her shoulders tensing. "What are you doing out of bed, young lady," the doctor asked, the young woman trying not to look at him defiantly even as her features tightened.
"Getting some air," Evan replied shortly, seeing Hershel glance at her coffee before moving to pour himself a cup without saying anything about it.
He moved to sit at the other end of the table, listening to the rest of the group milling about in the living room and the screened in sunroom. "How are you feeling," he questioned, his face blank and unassuming. Evan stared at him, unable to decide whether he was asking about her physically or emotionally before answering with a clipped, "Fine."
"What do you need Evan? You try so hard to put on a brave face, to put others before you but you neglect your own needs in the process-"
"What are you, a shrink?"
The young woman cracked a smirk when he laughed, finally taking the smallest sip possible from her cup before setting it down on the table. "No, I'm just a doctor – well, a veterinary, but those are just semantics. I'm a healer and a father and a God-fearing man, nothing more. I've helped you the best I know how, and I think that parenting you is above my pay grade here, but I can bring you some prayer and faith. If that's what you need," Hershel said, looking at the dog tags she wore around her neck and seeing the crucifix dangling there beside her husband's wedding band. Evan caught where his gaze was and reached up to tuck the chain in her shirt, shaking her head adamantly. "I think that's the very last thing I need," she replied quietly, moving to look outside of the window.
"Well, I think from the way you said that, its exactly what you need. When I met you, you were a believer, a woman of good faith, a fearful child of God," Hershel murmured, keeping his eyes on her as her face became a mask of complete and utter calm.
It was quiet for a moment before Evan shifted in her seat, breathing out steadily in an effort to stay levelheaded, "That was before, when I still had faith in this all being the way it is for a reason – a trial. Now I realize that this is just the end, our purgatory before we are all damned to hell… I'm a believer Hershel, because I've seen hell, walking all around us, lunging at our fucking throats. But I'm not afraid anymore, not of them or Him; what's the point?" The strength and force in her voice was almost made light by the sight of her, so small and frail in body after her trails. "Praying hasn't helped and neither has being afraid or being good – so don't try and preach to me because I have no use for that."
"God is not punishing you-"
"He's not punishing me," Evan shouted, slamming her hands down on the table as she stood, self-righteous in her anger. "And why wouldn't he? I've done enough shit in my life to deserve it – fucking, drinking, drugging – oh, I ran through the seven deadly sins like they were a field of goddamn wildflowers! But I tried to do right while I could to make up for all of that; I wasn't a saint, but I tried to be good… I was good. I didn't want much when it came down to it, just for my kids to be better than I was, for them to be safe and happy and secure. And yet I'm here, having watched my husband and my mother and my friends and my daughter die horrible deaths, cursed to linger with this disease inside of me just waiting to destroy me and all that I have been! He did that, he let Carter be ripped apart out there, alone – He let my baby almost die last week. He let Daryl get shot and your farm get destroyed and He left all of us here to suffer! I told Maggie a long time ago that all good things come at a price but it's too much… this is too much."
The house was quiet in the wake of her outburst, Evan having to swallow painfully several times to break the silence. She could hear Jude whimpering softly, calling out for her even as Lori and Carol tended to her. "I was all for being tested, for proving that I am worthy and good because I thought I was worthy and good – but I failed. I've failed Carter… and Kennedy and Jude and this baby inside of me, and Daryl because I couldn't do anything to stop this. We're already infected, all of us. My mother always told me that God would only let the strong feel the deepest depths of despair, but He's let me feel it too long because I'm weak now and I have broken. You have no idea how much faith I've put in Him and yet, that faith hasn't helped you or me, has it? People are still infected, people are still dying and we're still here so tell me again how my prayer or lack thereof has helped! Tell me that there is a God Hershel Greene," Evan shouted, feeling the heat rise in her face. She had never felt so much, the weight of all of her choices and beliefs in life seeming to crash down around her. Her bottom lip trembled and she had to blink to keep her tears from falling, "Tell me, Hershel. Tell me."
"Me telling you is not going to relieve you of your anger or despair one bit – you have to believe it, believe in Him, despite all of the evidence to the contrary. And I think that deep down you do believe in the good of Him, because you've seen it in your children, in Daryl. All of your happiness in the darkest of these days," Hershel finally spoke, his voice even and firm. She was rocked by the evenness of his tone, dropping back down into her seat, his gaze focused on her. "And you and your seven sins? It doesn't matter because you've indulged in the seven virtues as well as long as I've known you: chastity in your honesty and wisdom, temperance in your self-control, honor and justice, charity in your benevolence and sacrifice, diligence in your efforts to keep your family safe, patience and mercy, humility in your bravery to save us all time and time again, and kindness with your loyalty, compassion and integrity as a soldier, mother, lover, woman… I like to think that we are the last of our kind because we are the good ones, the ones meant to bring some order and love and strength and faith back to this world, as well as our virtues. God has heard you, just as He has always heard you and He will lead you through the dark, Evan. You just have to be willing to give in and give yourself over to Him. Let go."
She looked up at him for a moment before standing back up, her movements more slow and calculated. Evan smoothed down her loose sweatshirt over her stomach, letting out a long breath she had not known she was holding.
"I think I'm going back up to bed."
Evan may not have wanted to look at Hershel after his response to her excessive diatribe, but she couldn't ignore the fact that she had heard him and that he was right. "God knows when you are ready – He will wait," Hershel murmured when she had turned her back on him.
"But the Devil won't, so you might want to hurry."
