She had awakened the next morning to a summons. She smiled softly. Due to the fact that she had been summoned to the battlements, she did not think it was a serious matter. She saw Cullen standing there with his back to her, wind ruffling the fur on his cloak. She shivered, and not only because of the cold. What he had told her the day before had been difficult news, but she would not make him go through his perils alone.
"I wanted to thank you." he said without turning his head. She could see the smile on his face, and it caused hers to grow wider. "When you came to see me...if there's anything...This sounded much better in my head." he admitted, turning to her with a rueful grin. She laughed softly.
"I trust you're feeling better?" she asked. He shrugged.
"I...yes." he said.
"Is it always that bad?" she inquired. He sighed.
"The pain comes and goes. Sometimes I feel as if I'm back there. I should not have pushed myself so far yesterday." he allowed. She nodded. If he was working too hard, he needed to slow down.
"I'm just glad you're all right." she assured him. His small grin became a wide smile.
"I am. I've never told anyone what truly happened to me at Ferelden's Circle. I was...not myself after that. I was angry. For years that anger blinded me. I'm not proud of the man that made me. Now I can put some distance between myself and everything that happened. It's a start." he explained. She sidled closer to him as they leaned against the stone.
"For what it's worth, I like who you are now." she pointed out. He turned to her, surprise on his handsome features.
"Even after..." he asked, leaving the question unfinished. She rolled her eyes and grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to face her.
"Cullen, I love you. You have done nothing to change that." she promised. He said nothing, but smiled at her fondly.
"What about you? You have troubles of your own. How are you holding up?" he asked warmly. She sighed. She had, as Varric had put it, "Troubles coming out of her ass." Everything depended on her. It was exhausting.
"I've met good people here. Knowing they have my back helps." she decided. He nodded.
"You certainly keep interesting company." he said with a laugh. "I suppose I do as well." She could see the people milling around in the courtyard below.
"I think that's probably an understatement." she agreed. They shared a laugh, leaning into each other for support.
"The soldier that was in my office yesterday when you came by, he said that you seemed...flustered. Was there something you had been coming to tell me?" he asked suddenly. Renna did not think her face had ever been as red as it was in that moment.
"Err...no. Nothing at all." she lied. He arched an eyebrow at her.
"Renna?" he asked again. She refused to look at him, willing her face to return to its usual pale white color.
"I was feeling...particularly forward, and I was going to..." she stammered.
"To what?" he asked, somewhat hoarse.
"Well, in my mind I pushed you onto the table and tore off all your clothes. Let your imagination take it from there." she said in a rushed voice. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye and saw a face just as red as hers. He coughed awkwardly and continued to shift back and forth on his feet.
"Ahh. Yes. Well... umm...That...I really wish you had come the day before." he admitted. She blinked. That was not what she had been expecting.
"Well. Another time, then." she said. He nodded eagerly.
"Yes, of course. I mean. Sure." he replied, not wanting to sound too...excited. She giggled girlishly and slapped a hand over her mouth to cover it.
"All right. I'm going to...go now. I love you." she said before slipping out of his arms and trying to run off her embarrassment. She heard his fond chuckle behind her and laughed herself as she skidded around a corner...right into Traven Amell. Her mirth vanished immediately. It was difficult, to say the least, to look into his eyes without shivering. After all this time they were still empty, void of the humanity and life that once filled them. It worried and frightened her. She hadn't forgotten his loss of control in the Western Approach.
"Inquisitor, I've been looking for you." he said, his voice hollow. It was like talking to a corpse.
"Yes, Traven? You can call me Renna, you know that." she reminded him. He nodded sleepily. It was like he was not even there.
"I wanted to apologize for what happened after...I never meant for you or Kierrai to get involved. I just..." he said unexpectedly. She blinked at him.
"You are forgiven, Traven. I know how hard it can be to lose someone." she assured him. He still seemed stuck on what he had done.
"It was unworthy. I wouldn't hurt you, Renna. And I would never hurt Kierrai. I'd never hurt her." he said with sudden fierceness. There was a gleam in his eye that said he would spend the rest of his life proving that he would not harm Kierrai. Renna was glad to see it. It was small, but that spark of life might be enough to get him out of his misery.
"I know, Traven. You would never hurt her. Or me." she agreed. Traven nodded, all heat gone from his sapphire eyes.
"Good." he said gruffly. "Good." She nodded and sidestepped away from him. His mournful stare was too hard to look at.
He watched her leave. He knew that he made people uncomfortable now. People did not want to be around him as much. Only the Vael's and Alistair really tried to spend time with him. He thought of the week prior when he had gone to Cullen to ask if he would make him Tranquil. He already acted like one, but the pain, that fiery ache in his heart still burned as strongly as ever. He thought Cullen might have done it if Kierrai hadn't burst through the doors in a fury. She had never yelled at him like that before. It was his own fault, really. He had felt a need to tell Talyssa that he wouldn't be the same uncle anymore. He should have known that the child would go straight to her mother with the information.
"Not 'should have' known. You did know. That's why you told her." a voice said in his mind. Traven shook his head.
"Not you." he muttered.
"You did not want to be made Tranquil and you do not want to die, Traven Amell." she said sternly. Stern was never a word that he could use to describe her, but Mhairi had certainly tried to be stern more than once.
"You aren't real." he answered, shaking his head to rid himself of the vision. She vanished, and a part of him ached for her to come back, real or not. He walked, not aware of where his legs were taking him until he reached her office at the top of the spiral. Leliana was bent over papers as always. She looked up at him and smiled. She was the old Leliana again, the one he had almost loved all those years ago. She hadn't aged much, just a few lines around the eyes and a tiredness that followed all people that went through what they had.
"Traven. I've been wanting to see you." she said, her sweet voice filling his ears. He sat down on a stool across from her and watched her expectantly. She just continued to stare at him as though he were some sort of puzzle she was determined to figure out. He couldn't stand the silent scrutiny any longer.
"I should have picked you." he said finally. She arched a red eyebrow, a small smile on her pretty features.
"Is that so?" she asked wryly. She thought he was joking. He shook his head.
"If I had picked you, I wouldn't have had to deal with losing Morrigan, and I never would have met...never would have met Mhairi." he finished. Her smile faded and her face softened.
"If you had picked me, we would have wound up hating each other because we would have both known that you held another in your heart." she pointed out. He grunted. He knew he had the right of things. "Traven." she said. He looked up at her.
"What?" he asked stubbornly. She reached over the table and touched his hand. It was a familiar, calming gesture.
"You do not wish you had never met your wife." she said simply. He glowered at the table and yanked his hand away from her.
"You don't know what I want." he retorted. Her brow furrowed as well.
"I know that you love her." she argued.
"Well if this is love, I do not want it. All it has given me is anguish and pain, ever since Neria. She was taken from me, I pushed you away, Morrigan left, and now Mhairi is... Mhairi is dead. She has gone to where I cannot reach her. Love is death and heartache, nothing more." he yelled as he stood. He hadn't raised his voice in a while. It felt good to shout. Leliana was on her feet.
"Is that what you think? You know, that's what I thought for a long time too, but I got over it." she shouted back. Leliana never shouted. What was happening to the world?
"Well maybe I can't get over it, Leli! It is too much! I have lost too much to think that love is anything different!" he roared.
"And what have you gained? You have friends who love you. Friends who would do anything for you. Is their love only suffering as well? Do you think Kierrai and Sebastian's love is only death?" she asked quietly. He shook his head angrily.
"It hasn't happened yet, but it will." he said. He did not expect her full armed, open-palmed slap that sent him staggering backwards. Black spots filled his vision and his face began to sting. She was surprisingly strong for someone that seemed so small. He glared at her.
"That was a deplorable thing to say. You may speak to me again when you have regained yourself." she snapped, ordering him out. He grumbled furiously to himself as he left. He should never have gone to her.
Leliana waited for Traven's footsteps to fade before allowing a small smile to appear on her face. She had infuriated him, which was precisely what she wanted. Someone walked in from the balcony.
"That went better than expected, I think." Alistair said with his charming grin. She nodded in agreement.
"He was furious with me." she agreed. He shook his head wryly. It had been Alistair's plan all along, really. The fact that he happened to be there when it took place was just fortuitous happenstance. Alistair had told her the story of when he first met Zeriah, and how she had the same vacant, morose expression that Traven now wore. Only when he had angered her had there been any sign of life, so naturally he did it as often as he could until she started to break free of her self-imposed chains. They planned to do the same with Traven. Hopefully it would work just as well as it had with the Queen of Ferelden.
"He'll come around. Now, tell me what you need me to do to stop Corypheus." Alistair said, drawing her back from her reverie.
"Well, I think we need help from Zeriah." she admitted before launching into her plan. Alistair's enraptured nodding told her that he was in.
