Self Insertion
Chapter 53
Please?... Okay.
Obi-Wan smiled as he sipped tea. "Thank you very much miss. This is delicious."
Kasumi smiled at the Jedi Master. "Yourwelcome. It's not often that we get such kind guests
coming through this house." She said.
"Hey I'm kind!" Josh said pouting a little.
"You molested Ranma while he was a girl and imposed yourself upon our house after beating up
my father." Kasumi said with a smile.
Evan returned her pleasant smile. "For the record. I beat up your father... and he's a pansy."
Josh nodded. "Yeah..." He then added under his breath. "But you didn't beat me..."
Kasumi then looked to Anakin who was holding a pack of ice to his gonads. "How are you feeling
now?" She asked.
"Better." Anakin noted. "You sure you don't have any Bacta?"
Obi-Wan regarded his apprentice coldly. "Do not impose yourself on our hosts... and besides,
Bacta is very hard to produce, I don not think that this planet has the resources or the technology
to create the substance."
"YOU CALLING US HICKS!!" Evan shouted standing up and kicking Obi-Wan's tea from his
hands and grabbing a blunt knife.
Obi-Wan pushed aside his robes so he could access his light saber with more ease, knowing full
well the violent tendencies of the Sith called Evan. "I do not wish to hurt you."
With that Evan shrugged and sat down. "Ok. Can I have some tea?" He asked of Kasumi.
Kasumi shook her head. "I'm afraid not."
Evan looked confused. "WELL WHY NOT!?!?"
Kasumi smiled... that's... really... all she can do. "We're out."
"MAKE MORE!"
Kasumi shrugged and went back to the kitchen. Evan leaned over to Josh and smiled. "I can
definitely see why you were in love with her. She's well trained."
Evan found himself a girl moments later as he flew out into the pond.
Anakin leaned over to his master. "That Kasumi woman, she's a slave then?"
Obi-Wan shrugged. "It seems that way, but perhaps it is just that the female is to be more docile
on this world."
That said a female Evan burst into the room screaming and throwing fish. Josh frowned as he
glared at his friend. Evan stopped at the glare that promised doom and then dropped a koi into
Anakin's cloak and sat down.
Obi-Wan looked confused. "Who is she?"
Josh shrugged. "The local cat lady? She's got a cat."
Evan nodded. "I do have a cat... I have sex with my cat. Damn hot."
Obi-Wan became slack jawed. "It's acceptable to have sex with animals on this planet?"
Evan leaned across to Obi-Wan revealing cleavage and distracting the master Jedi. "If you touch
Mee'Yaow, I'll rip your entrails out and wear them as a necklace." Evan then returned to a sitting
position and smiled. "Friendly warning." She stated as Kasumi came back out with the tea and
gave Evan a cup which Evan promptly dumped on herself turning her back into her male form.
"Thanks Kasumi, can I have a refill?"
Obi-Wan and Anakin stared at each other. "Slowly the odd habits and powers of this world are
being revealed... No wonder we didn't chart this area." Obi-Wan said quietly.
Anakin groaned and pressed the ice pack against his groin a little harder to get the full effect of
the cold. "Can we just get this over with Master? I'd like to go home."
"And bang Padme." Evan finished for Anakin.
Anakin looked surprised and then drew his light saber and activated it. "DON'T YOU DARE
TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT!" He said as he prepared to chop Evan in half.
Evan then teleported out of the way and appeared behind Anakin, hoofing him in the nuts again.
"Thank you DragonBall Z." Evan said with a tear in his eye. He wiped it away as Anakin bent
over in pain. Evan then brought his knee up and directly into Anakin's crack. "ELEPHANT
FUCK!!" Evan screamed as Anakin hollered in pain.
Obi-Wan then cleared his throat and Evan sat down, grabbing Anakin's Light saber so that he
couldn't use it against him anymore. "Now back to business. Will you come to coruscant with us
to speak with the Jedi Council?" He asked.
"No." Josh stated.
"Please?"
"Okay."
A week later Anakin had recovered from his wounds and Obi-Wan had been able to hire out some
local welders and metal workers to repair the hole he had hastily cut into the hull of his ship. Evan
and Josh had packed the things they thought had they would need packed and it all onto the
starship.
Ranko frowned as she held onto Josh. "Can't I go with you? How often does a girl's boyfriend go
into space?"
Josh smiled. "Sorry. But the moment you get hit with hot water you'll turn into Ranma and he'll
freak out and try to kill me."
"Does that happen often?" Evan asked from off side as he was saying his own goodbyes to
Mee'Yaow.
Josh nodded. "Yeah. If I didn't start writing down new attacks and re-reading them to learn them
he might have actually succeeded. I mean... I can pretty much think of ANY attack now and learn
it just by writing it down and then reading it... I don't know why you didn't think of this when
YOU had this power."
Evan shrugged. "I dunno... I always had problems with it.. It was like trying to read a dance...
you can get the jist.. But it's still awkward..."
Josh shrugged. He then turned to Ranko. "Have you tried talking to Ranma yet?"
Ranko nodded solemnly. "Yeah... but he's not reading my letters."
Josh smiled. "well... when I get back I'll have another talk with him. That should straighten things
out."
Ranko raised an eyebrow at that. "I don't see how that would work but okay." The pair then
kissed said their final goodbyes and Josh entered the starship.
Evan smirked at Mee'Yaow. "Well..." He said with a sigh. "See ya later." He gave the cat girl a
quick kiss and turned away. He took a few paces and then stopped. "Oh... and watch out for
Tangutangs... I think I sicced Shampoo on you by accident... So... 'Solid Snake style' Ok?" He
gave her a 'wink gun' and walked on board.
Mark Malow smiled as he drove around in his brand new used Pinto. He had found one at a
nearby dealer and the man had even spoke English a little bit so he was actually able to purchase
it. Right now he was driving towards what looked like an airport which was nearby a public
school that he passed everyday... 7 times... on the way to work.
Mark's eyes widened largely as he saw what was currently residing at the Airport. There was a
spaceship, and a bunch of military vehicles (and personnel) laying around on fire. "COOL!" He
shouted. "THAT I GOTTA CHECK OUT!"
With that he began driving towards the airport... while checking out the honeys... at school... In
grade five...
Malow smiled as he stood near the landing gear looked at his reflection in the shiny hull. "COOL!
ALIENS EXIST IN THIS WORLD!" Just then the ship started up and the landing gear... which
Mark Malow was standing on, began to raise, bringing him up into the landing gear's
compartments of the ship.
The ship then took off for Coruscant with it's 5 passengers.
Obi-Wan looked confused as he looked at the console. He tapped it for a second and then looked
thoughtful. "Seems we've taken on a bit of weight."
Anakin nodded. "And the frontal landing gear is reporting something large jammed in one of the
compartments. Shall I investigate?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "That's okay. It's probably just some debris from earlier that got lifted up when
we took off. We can still make hyperspace with it."
Anakin shrugged. Evan smiled at Anakin when his gaze reached him and made a kicking motion
while giving him a thumbs up. Anakin shivered and turned around.
As soon as his back was turned Evan ran up and hoofed him as hard as he could in the nuts.
"PSYCHE!!"
Due to Evan's super saiyan strength Anakin lost consciousness and blood started to seep from his
pants.
Evan smiled, pointed and then started to laugh. After he had finished he wandered up to Obi-Wan.
"I'll go check your landing stuff as Anakin is... indisposed... at the moment."
Obi-Wan nodded and pointed to where Evan needed to go. "Fine... if you think you need to."
Josh looked down to Anakin who started to twitch and drool. "Y'know..." He started to himself.
"I'd almost feel sorry for him if it wasn't for the fact that it's Anakin Skywalker."
Later at the front of the ship.
Evan opened up the land gear compartment to find a large corpulent piece of ... whale? Evan
poked it.
"Maaaallllllllllooooooooooooooooooowww." It whined.
"Whales don't talk." Evan said to himself as he prodded harder with a nearby piece of plassteel.
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!" the glob of heaving fat wailed.
Evan recoiled in horror. "THAT'S NO WHALE! THAT'S A FAT MAN!" He exclaimed as he
began to hit the fat man with the plassteel.
"MMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!" Fatty screamed.
Evan stopped hitting the obese bastard whose fat had obstructed the landing gear. "It can't be."
He said to himself quietly. "HE COULDN'T HAVE!!" He cried out.
"MMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WWWWWWWWW!!"
Evan recoiled as Mark Malow's gigantic body started to dislodge from the landing gear. "HE
DID!!!!!" Evan screamed as he lashed out with the make shift weapon he had been bludgeoning
the lard ball with earlier.
"Hi." Mark said.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Evan replied as he slammed the plassteel into Mark's head
repeatedly to no effect. The plassteel object was then sucked into the man like he was made out of
silly putty. If someone had ever combined silly putty with a lot of fat.
Evan screamed and ran away Mark reached out with a hand and grabbed Evan's shirt which then
tore off and then was sucked into lardy's body.
"Come back!" Mark said.
Evan, now in just a pair of sorts breathed heavily as he stared at the door that led to the landing
gear area, the blob still hadn't come out yet. He looked to his left and noticed a space suit, he
slowly, stealthily took it and slowly stepped into it, one slow leg at a time. Once he was
completed putting it on Mark came through the door. "Where'd you go?" Mark asked.
Evan just continued to breath heavily, trying not to be loud. He then sat down in a chair and
strapped himself in, he pulled a nearby handheld harpoon gun off a table and pressed a couple
buttons.
All of a sudden Evan swivelled in his chair and Mark Malow stood before him with arms
outstretched. "THERE YOU ARE!"
Evan screamed and activated the airlock. Malow was sucked towards it heading for deep space
but was suddenly stopped as he grabbed a hold of the edges of the door.
"MAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!" He screamed, slowly
pulling himself back in.
Evan then screamed something unintelligible and shot the harpoon gun blasting Malow out of the
airlock. The door then closed and Evan let go of the gun which became jammed in the door. Evan
unstrapped himself, took off the spacesuit and went back up to the bridge to hang with the others.
"Hey." Josh said, welcoming Evan back. "What happened to your shirt?"
Evan shrugged. "There was a creature lodged in the landing gear."
"Why didn't you bring it back for study?" Josh asked.
Evan then became irrate. "BECAUSE I BLEW IT OUT OF THE GOD DAMNED AIRLOCK!"
Josh put up his hands. "Okay... okay... settle."
Evan then sat down and sighed. "You don't want to know the horror's I've seen."
Obi-Wan smiled. "Well... here we go."
With that he put the ship into hyper drive and they shot towards Coruscant.
Coruscant
Josh looked at Windu and frowned. "Y'know... I thought you'd be... more... ghetto."
"I'm not sure I understand what it is that you are talking about young Jedi." Master Windu stated,
looking quite confused at the boys statement.
Josh nodded and held up a finger. "See that's what I'm talking about. What you SHOULD have
said is: 'Whatchu talkin bout...Willis.'." Josh stated. "Are you Action Jackson or not?"
"I am Mace Windu."
Josh shook his head. "George Lucas would LIKE you to think so."
"Who?"
Evan then decided to interject. "IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!" Evan yelled before deciding to calm
down as the entire Jedi council prepared to strike him down as one. "What matters is why you
brought me here if you only want Josh to become a Padawan... what's the deal? Really? Is it
because I'm black?"
Windu looked the boy over. "We are not making a decision based on any colour you think you
might be, but what we sense within you."
Evan pondered this for a second. "So I'm not black?"
Windu nodded. "That's correct."
"Oh... well... why is it again that you want only Josh?" Evan asked checking to make sure he
wasn't black and then morphing so that he was.
Windu raised an eyebrow at the display. "Clearly you are manipulating the dark side of the force.
That is what prevents us from teaching you the ways of the Jedi, I am afraid you are dismissed."
With that two robed Jedi approached Evan, light sabers out, and led him away from the council
chambers. Evan growled at this. "YEAH!? WELL THEN I'LL JUST GO SEE DARTH
SIDIOUS AND BECOME A BAD GUY JEDI THEN!"
Windu frowned. "Sith."
"Whatever."
"Do you think this one could become a threat if he finds this 'Darth Sidious'?" Windu asked
Yoda.
Yoda frowned and stroked his chin. "A threat he and young VanHalteren already are. How
handled that threat will decide how much of threat they be."
"And that means..." Josh asked.
"It means you and your friend are threats to the Jedi way of life. We cannot make either of you
Jedi." another of the Jedi said.
"No that means that we have to train Josh to be better than Evan." Another Jedi said.
"No it means that we have to kill them and skull fuck em till they're unrecognizable." Another one
said.
Windu sighed. "No one knows what it means. Just... just go into training with Obi-WAn and
Anakin."
Josh nodded and then turned back to the council before he decided to leave. "Oh one more thing.
Anakin Skywalker is going to betray the Jedi and have everyone of you killed. You should give
him a jedi spanking with a light saber."
Anakin looked surprised and offended at the stares of the Jedi Council. "No I'm not! I'm not
going to join the dark side... I promise... Really!.whine whine whine whine whine... etcetera."
Evan sighed as he walked along the streets of Coruscant, Looking for hookers. He walked up to a
homely looking Wookie and smiled at him. "Know where I can find a hooker?"
"Groooooonk!" The wookie said.
Evan looked confused. "Does that mean yes?"
"Grooooonk!" It repeated.
Evan then turned into a wookie wearing a bra and screamed. "GROOOOOOOONK SPLONK A
DONK!!"
The Wookie recoiled in horror, then narrowing it's eyebrows to form a frowny face it screamed.
"GRRRROOOOOOONNNNK!!!!"
Evan morphed back into his normal form and raised an eyebrow. "Fucking Wookies and their
gibber-speak." He then turned to walk away, pondered something for a second and spun around
and hoofed the Wookie where it's nuts should be.
"GRRRRROOOOOONK!!" The Wookie screamed in pain as it dropped to it's knees.
"Yeah... that's what I thought... bitch-wookie!" Evan said as he walked away.
"Grooonk..." The wookie moaned.
Back at Jedi Central.
"So we've decided that the skull fucking is out of the question... but do we train the boy is the
real question." Windu said as he addressed the Council.
The big headed Jedi nodded his huge freaken head, nearly toppling ass over ankles. "Indeed. That
is the question that must be asked."
One of the other jedi nodded as well. "But who can we trust to ask this question, which needs to
be addressed so direly."
Big head frowned. "That is another question, but I fear that must be put aside for the moment.
The main question that must be focused on is should we train the Josh boy."
A voice from the background pipped up. "Has anyone seen my stethiscope?"
Big head frowned. "Another frivolous question. FOCUS! We MUST FOCUS!!!"
Windu nodded, then noticing that Windu nodded all the other Jedi nodded.
Josh stared at the Jedi with his mouth agape. "Am I stuck in retarded Jedi world?"
Big Head frowned at him. "Too many questions have been asked today... I must retire for the
evening as my mind grows weary."
The other Jedi waited for Windu to nod, then nodded along with him, muttering things about it
being late and questions.
Josh looked around at the members of the Jedi council as they all started to get up from their little
red bean bag chair thingies and put his hands up. "Wait wait wait! I have an idea, instead of
postponing this lets just have a vote. Training Josh to be a Jedi; Yea or nay?"
Big head frowned. "More questions... so many questions..."
Windu stared at Josh confused. "Which one mean yes?"
Big head moaned. "QUESTIONS!!! OOOOOH THE QUESTIONS!!!"
Josh raised an eyebrow at Action Windu. "You're kidding right?"
Big head clutched his enormous head in pain. "GYAAAAH!!! MAKE THE QUESTIONS
STOP!"
Josh looked at the big head dude for a moment morosely and frowned. "Dude, what is your
problem?"
The big headed Jedi screamed, and with a look of madness in his eyes rushed at Josh with his
lightsaber ignited. He started swinging the saber at Josh who jumped around the swings carefully
making sure not to come into contact with the burning plasma.
"Hey!" Josh yelled at the big head dude. "What are you doing? Why are you attacking me? Can
you please stop? What's your deal? Are you turning to the dark side or somethin? Can someone
stop him?"
At that final question big head stopped gazed sadly into Josh's eyes and smiled as his head
exploded, raining gore and brain bits all OVER the place. Windu frowned and shook his head.
"Now we need to find another one." He stated. "I guess that settles it. We'll train you as a Jedi,
young VanHalteren. And welcome to the Jedi Council."
Josh looked confused. "Right... so uh... I hate you all. Every last one of you."
Yoda, who had been quiet until this point, began to stroke his chin, drawing moans from the other
Jedi. "Hate, leads to..."
Windu cut him off by force throwing bits of brain matter at the minute Jedi. "We know... OK!?!
WE KNOW!!! IT LEADS TO THE DARK SIDE!!! JUST SHUT UP!!!"
Yoda hung his head as Josh pumped his fist in the air. "THAT'S THE ACTION JACKSON I
REMEMBER!!! PLANE FULL OF MUTHAFUCKING SNAKES!!!"
Windu looked confused, but shrugged it off as he force rubbed the brain bits in Yoda's face.
"Meh, training starts tomorrow. Until then make yourself at home."
Josh grinned. "Can you show me to the library?"
Windu nodded and led the boy to the archives.
Josh sat at a console looking at a screen in the archives. He moved a cursor to a search box and
clicked on it, then typed in: "Secret Jedi Tricks".
The search finished almost as soon as he had clicked go and a list of titles came up on the screen.
"Lets see now." Josh mused to himself as he scrolled down looking through the titles. "Secret Jedi
Mind tricks and how they work, Secret Jedi force hands and how they work, Secret Jedi penis
enlarger and how it works... Secret forbidden Sith powers and how they work, secret Jedi live
forever powers and how they work, secret Jedi techniques for getting around the no sex pact and
how they work... man! I'm gonna be here all night!"
Josh then clicked on the first book title and started reading.
Evan ducked into an alleyway. "Shit, Wookies can round up a posse pretty quickly." He panted.
"Lucky for me... um... why am I lucky again? AH!" He peeked his head out of the alley. "CAUSE
WOOKIES ARE DUMB!!!"
Two wookies then turned towards Evan and fired their crossbowy gun things. "GROOONK!!!"
They called out, making five more Wookies turn to Evan's direction.
"Ah fucktard." Evan muttered as he turned and ran down the alley.
He made it about five steps in when he tripped over a hunched over guy in a black bedsheet.
"HYUGH!" The bedsheet clad man gasped as Evan's knee 'accidently' connected with the man's
genital area.
Evan stopped. Lowered his knee and lift up the bedsheet around the man's face revealing a pruny
old man wheezing in pain. "SENATOR PALPATINE!!"
The man regained his composure, which is hunchbacked, and turned to evan with fury literally
glowing from his many wrinkles. "I AM NOT THE SENATOR!! I AM DARTH SIDIOUS!"
Evan stroked his chin and looked over his shoulder revealing that the Wookies were indeed still
coming and morphed into the geezer. "I AM NOT SOME GUY WHO KNEED YOU IN THE
BALLS!! I AM EMPEROR... guy..."
Sidious recoiled. "You are strong in the ways of the dark side Emperor Guy. But you have
slighted me, I must destroy you!"
Evan shrugged. "I'm also strong in the way of the knee." He said as he brought his now
dilapidated knee into the senator's dilapidated junk.
"HYUGH!" The future emperor cried out as the Wookies arrived on the scene.
"Grooonk?" The obvious head Wookie questioned (He's the head wookie because he didn't smell
like feces).
Sidious regained his composure again and got a crazy look in his eyes. "YOU HAIRY
BASTARDS!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!" He cried out as he force choked them all en masse.
Evan smiled. "So that's how you do that." He said as he force choked the senator after the
senator had finished off the wookies. "Well..." He started as Darth Sidious' lifeless corpse hit the
ground. "I'm off."
Two months later.
Josh and Evan sat in the loft of their phat palatial estate on top of a very large building in
Coruscant. "Well. I've learned all the Jedi tricks and powers and showed you them all for your
own learning benefit... what say we head back?" Josh said to Evan who was smoking a futuristic
looking pipe.
"Pip pip." Evan stated with a tip of the a hat, after morphing one onto his head.
"Right then!" Josh stated as he jumped out of his chair. "TO THE SKIES!"
"K."
Josh and Evan then stole a phat palatial cruise ship and light sped home to earth.
six months later!
Josh smiled as he cuddled with Ranko. "And that's what we did in space."
Evan cuddled with Mee'Yaow. "We're officially the most powerful people on the planet!"
"Quite so!" Josh seconded.
The four people in the Tendo home started laughing.
TBC
author's notes: WOW! Cheap out city at the end there. I'm proud of myself. This is a good
chapter, despite the fact that we've skipped ahead 8 months, became virtual gods again, and cut
out a character that we were planning to use. Hot piss!
(Hot piss indeed. Took us long enough though... cold piss is more like it... year old cold piss...
nasty piss that is. Yup... welllp... that's all from me.. )
Morden Night: Ishano:
