So, a while ago, some people on tumblr were wondering about Maia's birth parents and I promised I'd write a little story about them and this is it! This update is not taking the place of Sunday's chapter and, should you decide you don't want to read this, it will have no bearing on upcoming chapters, so feel free to skip! If you do read, I hope you like it!

My stomach twists strangely and I gasp for breath. I hope that this is normal. I don't know what's normal for pregnancy and labour. I've never done this before. There's a kick at my side and I swear at the little foot that has spent the past several months bruising me from the inside out. I can't wait until she's no longer inside of me. She just needs to come out, dammit. My stomach bulges in another place and I press my hands to it, as if I can force her down and out the birth canal. I'm still hoping for a quick labour, although it's been hours since I started feeling like I was having contractions. I hope that it's real contractions. My books all talked about Braxton hicks.

No, I tell myself, they have to be real. It's too close to her due date.

What I think is her due date, anyway.

I take a shuddering breath and I feel, of all things, the urge to walk. I take a lap around the small kitchen and she kicks at me again.

"Remember what I've told you," I say sternly to my stomach. "You have to be beautiful. And when you grow up, you have to be smart and funny and all good things. You have to make them want you."

Babies come out ugly. I know that. But she can't stay ugly. She's going to be crying and pooping and needy. At the very least, she needs to look sweet so they'll want her. They have to want her. She hasn't given them a choice in this.

I grip the counter and cry out. The contractions are so strong. Surely no other woman has contractions like this. I don't know why women do this. I didn't even want this.

I feel her moving inside of me, as if she knows what I'm thinking.

"You've always known that!" I snap at her in frustration. She knows that while it'll be my blood that runs through her veins, I am not, and I never will be, her mother. And she sure as hell will never be Tai's daughter. "You don't belong to us. You belong to them."

Not that they know it yet.

My urge to walk is gone. I crawl my way over to the bed– the one that I spread the shower curtain over when I first thought I was having contractions. I hope Annie won't be mad about the shower curtain but there will be plenty of other things for her to get angry about. I don't think the shower curtain will be a big deal. I curl up on my side, the plastic crinkling underneath of me.

"If it weren't for Annie, I would have gotten rid of you at the beginning." I almost feel sad talking about Annie. She's done so much for me and I've let her down and she has no idea.

I feel her moving and I feel the familiar flash of anger toward her. I know that it's not her fault that she's here. I didn't choose to get pregnant but I did choose to carry her. That hasn't stopped me from hating every minute of this pregnancy. Now that I know she's close to coming out, I can't control myself. I want it to happen now.

"You have an hour," I tell her sternly.

If she waits any longer than an hour, it'll be too close to morning for me to take her to them. Someone might see me. Someone might try to take her from them and give her back to me. I can't risk it. If she takes more than an hour, we'll have to spend the day together and wait until nightfall again. I feel sick at the prospect. I want to hand her off and go back to my life; I want to forget that these past nine months ever happened. I slap my hand against my stomach, knowing that she can feel the pressure but wishing that she could also feel the sting.

"Get out!"

She doesn't listen. I wasn't expecting her to. If she's anything like me or Tai, she'll never listen to a word that anybody says. Still, I find myself hoping that she has been listening to me this entire time. I haven't had a lot to say to my invader, but I still tried to make friends with her. I still tried to prepare her for the world that was waiting for her out here. She won't remember it; I know that. I don't want her to remember me, really. But all of the things I have told her have been about how to make her perfect for her real parents; for the people who don't know she is coming but who I hope will love her regardless. Even if they don't love her, she will be their problem. They'll have to find a place for her. After I leave her with them, she'll no longer be my responsibility. I'll have done my part.

"Be beautiful," I whisper to her again.

She batters at my insides.

I close my eyes and try to think of anything other than what I am going through. I don't want to think about labour and birthing and the fact that, eventually, I will have to hold her.

"What if I tell you a story?" I ask her, surprising even myself with my flash of sentimentality. "I'll tell you all about how we got here."

She deserves to hear it at least once, I think.

(-.-)

I stared at the side of the bathroom stall. It was an ugly beige colour but it was easy to ponder than the fact that I was sitting with my hand between my legs, peeing on a stolen pregnancy test. It was ridiculous of me to take it. It was ridiculous of me to think that I was pregnant. I was fifty-two years old. There was no way that I could possibly be pregnant. I accidentally peed on my own fingers and I felt disgusted with myself. I dropped the white plastic on top of the toilet paper holder and wiped my fingers off. Patiently, I counted to sixty four times and then I looked at it.

It was positive.

I cursed and threw it into the trash bin in the corner of the stall. It clunked against the two other pregnancy tests I peed on today. I decided that tomorrow, or maybe the day after, I would steal another one. I couldn't be pregnant. I had missed the past four periods, that was true, but it was just menopause. I was definitely old enough for it to be menopause. Could menopause make these pregnancy tests come out positive?

I left the bathroom, trying to convince myself that any bodily changes could lead to a false positive. When I reached the main body of the café, I looked for Annie, but she wasn't here yet. I spotted a table that was out of view of the windows and I took that seat. Annie would find me when she walked in, but if Tai happened to be walking by, he wouldn't see me.

At the very thought of Tai, I felt my stomach sink and that lead me to thinking about the small pile of pregnancy tests I had peed on. I pressed my hands to my stomach, my rolls pushing back against my hands. What if there was a child in there? It would be Tai's child, of course, and my heart sank along with my stomach. Both of us hated children. I stared down at the brown tabletop. It didn't even matter, though, did it?

I hadn't seen Tai in … over four months. I was conflicted about that. On the one hand, Tai was extraordinary and I loved him as much as I was able. I met him seven years ago and he'd drawn me into his glamourous world of drugs and money. He was younger than me by more than I liked to admit – he would be celebrating his twenty-sixth birthday next week – but he had always assured me that it never mattered. I knew that there were other women in his life but, when it came down to it, I was always the one by his side and he slept next to me at night. If I ever took it into my head to complain about the life I was living, there would be a new piece of jewellery and a hit of the best cocaine anyone could offer waiting on my bedside table. He knew me; he loved me as much as he was able.

But on the other hand, I did run away this time. I did leave him. I hadn't expected for it to last this long, as I knew myself well enough to be aware that I would eventually need him or his drugs. If it hadn't been for Annie, I probably would already be back with him, and then what would I do with this kid?

No. There was no kid.

I looked up at the sound of the door opening, hoping that it would be Annie walking in. I wasn't going to tell her about this, of course, but it was comforting just to have Annie around. It wasn't my friend. It was a young man, younger even than Tai, I'd guess. But the man reminded me of Tai, a lot. He had the same broad, muscled build that Tai had and was probably just as tall; the biggest, glaring difference was that this man was white, where Tai was as black as black could get. Still, he was enough to distract me, and I watched him make his way to the counter.

Annie's son, Andrew, was working today. He greeted the man with familiarity, although Andrew treated everyone nicely. It made me distrust him.

The man suddenly grabbed at his back pocket and in the quietness of the nearly empty café, I could hear him loudly say, "My wallet!"

Andrew laughed and mumbled something that I couldn't hear. He pointed to one of the café windows and I turned my head to look. Another man, one shorter than the first, strode into the café, a brown wallet in his hands. I tracked his progress across the floor. His smile widened as he reached the first man and I found myself thinking that his smile really did transform his face from pleasant to attractive.

But when the first man turned to completely face the second and I saw his face completely, I had to avert my eyes. I was used to scars and the disgusting mishaps that happened to desperate addicts but that first man … His face … It was just … horrific. Revolting. I had never seen scars like that on a human being. I saw them move in my peripheral vision and I couldn't help but lift my eyes again. It was like the worst kind of accident: I wanted to look away but I also wanted to stare.

They sat at a back table and the scarred man was partially hidden from view. I stared at the back of the other one's head. I had two options while I waited for Annie: think about the baby that didn't exist or people watch. I was going to people watch and my options were the two men or a studying girl. The two men were definitely the more interesting option.

They appeared to be about the same age and I immediately decided that they had to be friends. After watching the shorter man burst into laughter over a small comment made by the scarred man, I decided that they had to be best friends. It made me feel somber. I had a best friend, once, but when she overdosed, I had thrown myself into Tai and for seven years, I had only him. Now, I had Annie, but I didn't count her as a friend. The things she had done for me, she would do for anyone else.

The door opened again and, this time, it was Annie. We waved to each other and she marched up to the counter. I ignored her interactions with her son – anything even slightly maternal might cause me to lose it at this point. I squished my hands against my stomach once more. There was nothing but fat to it … But … Had the fat always been this firm after I forced passed the initial squishiness?

Yes, I lied.

I glanced at the two men again in time to see the scarred man lift his destroyed hand. I watched it with sick fascination as it wrapped around the unscarred man's hand. With a jolt, I understood. They were not best friends. I felt sick all over for a whole new reason and I looked away from the two of them. They were the type of people that Tai would want beaten or killed and would have beaten or killed, should they cross his path.

"Good afternoon, Sadie!" Annie greeted.

"Hi," I managed.

Annie was always too exuberant for my tastes but, after all she had done for me, I owed her. She had found me living off the street just a few days after I had left Tai. She had promptly moved me into an apartment that she kept, apparently, for situations just like this. If it weren't for Annie, I would probably be back with Tai already instead of four months clean. I still wasn't sure if I should thank her for keeping me away from him, but I was woman enough to recognize the effort that Annie went through to keep me safe, fed, and sheltered, and I knew that I owed her something.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Fine." Pregnant.

No! I scolded myself, as if thinking the word would make it true. I wanted to try denying it for as long as possible because 'pregnant' meant more decisions than I was willing to make.

"How are you?"

Annie smiled. "I'm doing all right. I had dinner over at Andrew's and met his girlfriend for the first time."

"That sounds nice."

"She's very sweet," Annie agreed. "Much better than the last one. She was a cheater."

"Oh, terrible." I ran my fingernail along the edge of the terrible.

"How are you doing? Have you heard from your ex?"

I shook my head. No, if I was going to hear from Tai, I would have already. More than likely, he had either moved on or was waiting for me to come back. After seven years, I still didn't have him completely figured out.

"I'm glad to hear that. You've seemed a lot happier this past month in particular."

I had no idea what Annie was talking about. I wasn't happy. I hadn't been happy since the night before my fight with Tai, when we'd spent the night in his room with nothing but each other and cocaine. But I nodded at Annie.

"I feel different," I said, because it wasn't exactly a lie.

Annie beamed at me and I stared at her red lipstick. It seemed far too bright on her extremely pale face.

"Do you need anything?" Annie asked. "How are you doing for food? Ready to try getting a job?"

"Groceries are fine. I don't feel ready to work." I didn't want to work. I hated having a job. It was just one of the ways that life was better with Tai. He took care of me.

"Well, when you are, we'll find you something!"

I told myself that I should feel bad that I was draining from her the way that I was but, honestly, Annie offered. She was the one who dragged my bruised and withdrawal-ridden self into an apartment and cleaned my wounds, staying with me until I could actually call myself sober. She was the one who took me to addiction meetings and kept my cupboards stocked. She was the one who wanted to keep me away from the life that I had before her. For a while, it had felt nice to have her take care of me. Lately, I had started feeling restless and my fingers kept itching toward the cell phone that Tai had given me; the one that I hadn't turned on since February, when he had called me over and over again the night he'd hit me worse than ever before and I had left him. I was tempted to turn it on and call his number, confident that he'd answer.

But if there was an actual baby inside of me, I would have to consider staying in the apartment Annie had temporarily gifted me for just a little bit longer.

"Thanks," I forced out.

"You know I just want to help you, honey." She put her hands over mine and I stared at them. She was so white she made me look as black as Tai, although he always made fun of me for having fairly light skin for a black woman, telling me that I was as close to vanilla that he would ever get.

"I know."

"Now, really, do you need anything?"

"Sweaters," I said quickly, thinking of what would happen when I started to develop a bump. Did fat women even show? They must.

"Sweaters?" Annie's eyebrows skyrocketed toward her hairline. "Sadie, honey, it's May."

"I know. I like sweaters."

"We'll go and pick you up a few things," Annie decided. "Want to go now?"

I nodded and stood. She rushed back to the counter to say goodbye to Andrew, while I loitered at the door. I didn't look back at the two men, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't eavesdropping on purpose.

"Give me that back! I'm making dinner plans with Mariana."

"No, no texting! I have to be the centre of your attention!"

"You are the centre of my attention!"

I saw Annie approaching so I bolted out the door. Two men speaking to each other so affectionately … For a moment, I wondered if I truly felt that way or if it was how Tai felt. It didn't matter. I felt what Tai felt. That was the point; why I was his favourite.

"Ready?" Annie asked me.

I nodded. She steered me toward where she had left her car. I glanced in the café windows again for a last look at the two men. The shorter man was grinning as he decapitated his muffin, saying words that I could no longer hear. The scarred one looked nearly normal again; attractive and happy as he stuffed a cell phone into his pocket.

I brushed them out of my mind as Annie let me into her car. It was a fairly nice car, as was expected. Annie had to be rich, and I don't mean rich from the perspective that I was a poor person. I had a normal life, once, before Tai and before my drugs. A life where people wanted me and would never hurt me and where I had more than enough money to comfortably get me through the day.

Now I was at the point where it was weird to sit in a car, because I had spent most of my time relying on my own two feet. The trip to the mall was short but, on the way, I noticed something: a library. A library would have pregnancy books. A library might be able to help me figure out what was going on with the pregnancy tests. I knew nothing about pregnancy. Maybe I'd read a book about it and it would tell me that I wasn't pregnant because I showed no other signs of being pregnant.

"What else do you want?" Annie asked as she found a parking spot.

"I want to go to the library," I answered automatically.

"Sure, we can go there too."

Shopping for my sweatshirts only took a brief amount of time. I only let her buy me two very large ones, which Annie said were too big, even for me. I just didn't want her to be able to notice if I got much bigger. It wasn't like I was gorging myself on food and, as the one who bought my groceries, she knew that.

"Let's walk over the library," Annie proposed. "It's only a few extra steps."

I nodded and with minutes we were at the library. I felt anxious as we walked through the doors. Would she follow me through the stacks? To the checkout? I didn't want her to see the kinds of books that I was checking out because then she'd ask. I didn't want her to know. Annie was a fixer type. She came into people's lives with the intention of making them better. I didn't want her to fix this problem. Whatever I decided to do about it, should this child prove itself real, it was my choice.

Annie plopped herself down at one of the tables in the library and her cell phone appeared in her hand as if she had summoned it. "I'll stay here until you're ready. I have some e-mails to answer!"

I moved toward the adult section, whisking through the fiction books until I found the nonfiction. The pregnancy section was larger than I thought it would be and I wondered if there were many other women who had to do this. I quickly surveyed the stacks, thinking of when I was nothing but a university student desperately trying to find literature to support my research project on, of all things, fruit flies. I pushed the memory away. I wasn't a university student anymore.

I found the five books that were the newest. I turned toward the counter and then, at the last second, I grabbed a world history book, just in case Annie asked what I had wanted from here. I didn't think that she would; Annie fixed things but she didn't nose around in them. Still, I wanted to have a cover story.

I brought my books to the bored looking middle aged woman sitting behind the desk. My only stumbling block was when I realized that I didn't have a library card. The librarian clacked her teeth together and signed me up for one, promptly scanning my books through when she was done. I dumped the books into my shopping back and covered them up with one of my sweaters. I almost felt the impulse to explain myself to the librarian, but I locked my jaw shut. I didn't need to do anything of the sort.

"I'm ready," I said, approaching Annie.

"Find everything that you were looking for?"

"Yes."

"I'm glad!" Annie put her cell phone in her purse and stood up. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to drop you off at home right away. I volunteered at the hospital at two."

"That's fine."

I wanted to get to reading anyway.

The drive home was short, although it would have taken me at least forty-five minutes to walk it. When she parked in front of the apartment building, she also handed me forty dollars.

"Annie, it's too much," I protested.

"It's not," Annie assured me. "Just take it, honey."

I was sure that Annie was younger than me, if only by a year or two, but somehow, she made me feel like I was ridiculously young. I took the money. "Thank you."

"Stay safe, Sadie. I'll see you next week, unless you call."

I'd never called. I probably never would call. I had never even picked up the landline in my apartment and, of course, the cell phone stayed off. It was nice, though, thinking that if I did pick up the phone, I'd have a number to dial.

"Bye, Annie."

I hurried from the car, through the apartment building, and let myself into my apartment. I lived on the top floor of the building and, whenever I walked into my apartment, I always had to take a moment to appreciate the view. It was a sunny day and even the lightest rays of sun made sweat break out on my brow. I spun the shopping back around in my hand. If I had to wear these sweaters come August, I was going to sweat to death.

I hid the money from Annie in the lamp in the living room and then I went to my room. I sat on the neatly made bed and dig out my books. I put the world history book to the side and opened up the most recent book. The first thing that I had to do was figured out how far along I would be if I really were pregnant. It only took a few minutes to do the math. The last time I saw Tai was February 15th. The last night I had sex with him was February 14th. At the minimum, I was around thirteen weeks, according to the book's timeline of conception and implantation.

Thirteen weeks.

Really, I reasoned to myself, I could be more than thirteen weeks, but I found it unbelievable that I hadn't noticed a pregnancy for thirteen weeks. How could I have ignored it for twenty or thirty? And I hadn't missed that many of my periods.

I put the book down and stripped off my shirt, staring down at my bare stomach. Again, I poked it and I half-expected a poke back. I wanted some kind of proof from the inside that there was something there, although I was finding it more difficult to pretend that there wasn't something there. There was more evidence that I was going carrying Tai's baby than evidence that I wasn't carrying Tai's baby.

I pinched my nails into my flesh.

Now what?

There were three things that I could do with this: I could keep the kid; I could have the kid but then get rid of it; or I could not have it all. The last option seemed the most tantalizing to me. I didn't want anything to do with a child and the thought of dragging around a kid in my stomach for the next several months made me want to do drugs more than anything ever had before. Drugs would be one way to get rid of it. Cocaine would make it come out. But if I had an abortion, I'd have to tell someone; I'd have to go to a doctor. I didn't want to go to a doctor.

I picked up my book. There was a section on abortions in the book and I heaved a happy sigh. I wanted to know more about it. I was several paragraphs in when the book dropped the bomb: it would be too late for a doctor to do it. I scoured the next few paragraphs. Most abortions were done before week twelve and most doctors would only do them after if there were medically conditions. Unless my life was in danger, abortion completely stopped being an option after week twenty-three.

But I didn't have to go to a doctor. There were other ways to get an abortion. But they'd put me in danger. I might not have had a lot of self-preservation left but I clung to the scraps that remained vehemently. I didn't want to die and if I went that route, I might.

I kneaded my stomach between my fingers. I knew that there was no way I would keep this kid. I would kill it or Tai would kill it after it came out … Assuming I ever saw Tai again; assuming he ever knew. And I didn't want to be a mother. If I had wanted to be one of those women who had children and devoted their lives to them, I would have attempted it long before I hit my fifties.

I knew I didn't want it. I wasn't entirely convinced I should pursue an abortion. That left me with one option: having her and then giving her away. The thought of being pregnant wasn't something that I wanted to entertain, although, admittedly, I was keener on it than I was on the subject of a back alley abortion. But being pregnant came with its own set of problems, beyond the fact that I would be pregnant. I didn't want anyone to know that I was pregnant because I couldn't risk it getting back to Tai. I knew him well enough to know that he wouldn't take the news of a child well. Me, he'd take; not a baby. I would have to keep this completely to myself.

It also meant that I'd have to stay here for the duration of my pregnancy. I couldn't let my restlessness and my desire for Tai and his life to get the best of me until this kid was out. I didn't think that Annie's kindness or funds would run out over the next several months. She'd let me stay. But then … what did I do when it came out? Did people just drop them in front of police stations or fire stations anymore? Would they try to find me or would they just put it in foster care?

I could just leave it on someone's doorstep.

I was willing to leave it on someone's doorstep.

Fine. Fine … Fine.

I'd carry it and then I'd leave it.

I picked up my book again. If I was going to do this – carry a baby and have a baby all by myself – then I had better figure out was I was in for. If I didn't, well, it was going to go worse than I was expecting, and I was already expecting it to go very, very badly.

(-.-)

She's lower in my stomach. The pressure is almost unbearable, even when I'm not having contractions. I need her out, but she's moving so slowly. She's probably doing it to spite me.

"You can't be spiteful toward them," I tell her.

Why do I care if she's spiteful toward me? She's only going to know me for a short while, although it'll be longer than I planned. I can already hear people waking up. I'll have to wait until night comes back to go to their doorstep and leave her.

She suddenly feels a thousand pounds heavier.

"Are you going to know them?"

I know that she knows my voice. All of the books say that, on the inside, babies learn to recognize their mother's voices and that they'll know their father's too, if he's been talking to the mother's stomach. They haven't been anywhere near me; I've never so much as shook their hands. But, somehow, she has led me to them. It has to mean something. Some part of me hopes that she'll recognize them instantly and they'll, in some strange way, recognize her instantly. I may not want this baby, but I do want the best for her. She wants them to be their family and I hope she gets what she wants.

"Do you remember the first day you kicked?" I whisper. "Do you remember why?"

Of course she does.

(-.-)

I was twenty weeks pregnant and, personally, I thought that I looked it. I was bundled up in one of the heavy sweaters, despite the fact that it was July. I was sitting in the café, waiting for Annie. Annie's one fault was that she was typically ten minutes behind schedule. I always found myself waiting for her and it didn't help that I was usually ten minutes ahead of schedule.

I slipped my hands under the sweater, feeling my sweat-slicked skin. My stomach was more taunt underneath of my fat. It was changing me and I despised it for that. I poked my side again, thinking that I could pinpoint where the baby was.

It was a girl, I decided. I had read some of the old wives tales and had decided that, based on how I was carrying it, it had to be a girl. Besides, it would be a cosmic joke if Tai and I had created a daughter and I knew how funny the universe thought it was.

"Sadie?"

I jumped at the male's voice. I looked up to see Andrew staring at me, a glass of water in his hand.

"I know it's hot out," he said softly as he placed it on the table.

"Thanks," I said. It was the first time that I had been this close to him and his eyes were remarkably like his mother's – such a muted blue that they were nearly grey. They looked better on his face, however, than they did on Annie's. His light brown skin made them look much more captivating.

He looked like he was going to say more when the bell over the café door jingled. He looked up and his face split into grin. "And it's my favourite customers."

I looked over to see the scarred man and his shorter boyfriend; the couple that I hadn't seen since I first found out about my pregnancy. Bile filled my mouth as I saw the man's ruined skin and I dropped my gaze away from his face, only to see their interlocked hands. I don't know which one bothered me more.

"I'm totally the favourite," one of the men said.

"Really, Connor? Are you that desperate to be loved?" the other teased.

That's when I felt it. She kicked me. I had thought that I felt strange little stirrings inside of me before but it could have been anything, from gas to my imagination. But she had just kicked. She was in there. My heart felt like it was in my throat, because she was real. She was really in there.

"I love you both equally," Andrew assured the two of them, leading them back to the counter. "Especially since you're around so much. Just want the usual?"

"Yeah. Also, Jude wants a muffin."

"Chocolate, heated," Andrew rattled off.

I pushed down on the top of my stomach, trying to provoke her into doing it again. There was utter radio silence. Yes, she was definitely a girl; there was no way a boy would try to spite me while still in the womb.

I took a sip of the water Andrew had given me. It was ice cold and I wondered if it would shock her into moving, but there was nothing. I just wanted her to move so that I could prove I wasn't imagining it. It wouldn't change anything, now. I had already decided that I would have her and then leave her somewhere safe. I just needed to find somewhere safe for her to go. I was leaning toward the doorway of a person. After all, they wouldn't have the resources to try and find me. And, who knows, maybe I would find the perfect people to take her and love her like they were her real mother and father. Maybe I'd find people who looked exactly like Tai and me and she would never have to know that her real mother was a drug addict while her real father was a drug dealer and that neither of them could fathom a world that she actually existed in.

Keeping in mind that only I would ever know that she existed.

"Do you have the coffees?"

Despite myself, I looked up at the men again. The unscarred one had a drink in each hand and was rolling his eyes at the scarred one.

"Yes. I can handle two cups. Thanks for the concern."

She kicked me, violently. I winced. Was it supposed to hurt this badly this early on? What was I going to do when she got bigger?

"Even I know Jude's not a delicate flower," Andrew teased the scarred one.

I looked at the unscarred one. He must be Jude, then. Immediately, the strands of a Beatles song drifted across my mind. The scarred one followed Jude to the back of the store but, as he passed by my table, he glanced at me. Our eyes locked for the briefest moment and I felt her lurch inside of me. In another instant, he was gone to wherever the two of them were sitting and I had my hands pressed tightly to my stomach.

She was really in there.

She was real. It hadn't quite hit me in this way before. There was another life inside of me; she had her own heartbeat and fingerprints and … Oh God. She was almost an actual person. She was almost halfway to being a real person who existed outside of me. The thought made me sick and I almost had to run to the bathroom, as if I could throw her up and make all of this disappear.

"Sadie!" Annie called as she burst into the café.

I felt my cheeks grow warm. I didn't want to be yelled at, particularly not in public. Annie looked apologetic as she took the seat opposite of me. "Sorry, honey. I just got excited."

"Excited about what?" I asked.

"Oh, I've been happy ever since Andrew dumped his girlfriend." She rolled her eyes. "Girls, girls, girls."

"Relationships are complicated," I said. I would know. Tai and I took complicated to a whole new level.

"It's not that relationships aren't complicated, it's that … Well, he's my baby and I want him to be happy. He keeps getting these girlfriends for a couple of months at a time and then either they go wrong or he goes wrong somewhere along the line and they break up and he goes back to his first boyfriend, who drops whatever relationship he was in and goes back to Andrew." Annie rolled her eyes dramatically while I almost choked on my own tongue.

Her son went from girlfriends to a boyfriend? What? She was okay with that? Why would he even want that? I looked back to Andrew, who was happily puttering behind the counter, wiping off coffee pots with a cloth.

"I think he's happiest when he's with Preston and I think Preston's happiest when he's with Andrew but what do I know? He's twenty-one years old and I'm just his mother."

"You want him to be with Preston?" I was confused. Wouldn't a mother want her son to be with a woman? What could a man offer another man? It was not only confusing, but wrong.

"I want him with whoever makes him happy," Annie clarified. "And in my opinion, Preston makes him happy. If you're asking whether I care that they're both male, the answer's no. If Preston had been a Paige, I'd feel the same way."

I slipped my hands into the front pocket of my sweater, feeling myself breathe. I heard Tai's voice in my head, as he ranted, gun in hand, about homosexuality. He'd probably had fresh blood on his hands at the time; there'd probably been a trigger to his rant. At the time, I hadn't cared; I was high and topless, as I usually was in Tai's presence. Now, I wondered who had been on the other side of that gun. I wondered if Andrew would ever come face to face with Tai or one of Tai's many like-minded friends. He wouldn't deserve it.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fine." Except my stomach and hips hurt all the time and I wasn't sleeping as well as I should have been and that was definitely the kid's fault too.

"Why are you wearing a sweater in July?" Annie asked. "You haven't been talking to your ex, have you? I told you when I let you stay in the apartment that you have to find a job within a year and absolutely no ex-spouses allowed."

"I haven't seen him!" I was tempted to call him at least once a day, but then I'd press my hand to my stomach. After she's out, I told myself, then you can have your life back. "I just feel more comfortable in these clothes."

"I'm trusting you," Annie informed me.

"Thank you."

"Have you thought about a job?" Annie asked.

"I was thinking maybe this winter," I said. "Around the holidays."

If I was right, then the kid would be coming out the first or second week of December. I would be long gone by the time the holidays rolled around. It didn't matter to me that I hadn't seen Tai since February and that I wouldn't until December. He would take me back and I would go back. Life with him was all that I wanted and I was more than ready to give myself back to it. I would have months ago if I hadn't discovered her. I jammed my elbow into my side but there was no response.

"I'm glad you're thinking so far ahead!"

Ahead, yeah.

I sat with Annie and we talked for over an hour. The café filled with university students and then died down again before we were done. Sometime in between, Jude and his boyfriend left. They had been holding hands again. I still found myself averting my eyes from the scarred man and I still found myself being unsettled by their affection, but as I had watched them walk away, I had thought of Andrew and Preston, and I thought that I would hate to see them cross Tai's path either. Really, what could any of them have done to deserve it? She had flipped or something inside of me when they were out of sight and I was still feeling unsettled by it. I had realized that I hated to feel her move.

I walked home today. It took longer than it usually did because I was moving slower. Once I was sure I was out of Annie's gaze, I took off my sweater and tied it around in a waist, hoping that I was able to hide the bulk of my stomach, should anyone who actually knew me passing by. I didn't think they would be. My usual world and this world were very far apart.

Where I was on foot, I cut through the parking garage. I eyed the cars as I walked by – they were all very nice cars, shiny and well-taken care of, although there was nothing like Tai's Ferrari in the garage. However, there was one noteworthy vehicle: an ancient black truck that looked positively out of place and that I looked down on for being so old. My feet ached and it made me think about how I'd like to have even the truck. Annie had given me money for the bus, but it was going into the lamp as soon as I got into my apartment.

(-.-)

I shove my face against my pillow and scream into it, hoping that no one hears me and calls the police at a result. I probably sound like I'm being murdered and she could kill me; she really could. I could also kill her. We could die, right here, right now.

I bite down on the pillow.

I reach between my legs. It feels like foreign terrain. I no longer recognize the curves of my body. She's not on the outside yet, but she close. I just wonder how long it will take her to traverse the space that seems so small to my fingers.

I have one last part to the story. By the time she's finished, she should be out. Otherwise, I will go insane.

(-.-)

I trudged toward the elevator in my apartment, literally feeling like I was dragging my body. Five more weeks, I told myself, at the very most. She could come out before that and I was hoping she would. I stuck my hands in the front pocket of my sweater so that I could massage my bulging stomach, as my skin hurt. My skin hurt; my hips hurt; my legs hurt; my organs hurt. I hurt period. I could feel the shape of her and I hoped that she was getting ready to come out. She felt too big for my body and I was losing sleep because of it.

I approached the elevator to see the doors beginning to shut. I stuttered forward a step and then I found myself sucking in a deep breath. I just couldn't run for the elevator. Luckily for me, a lightly tanned hand stuck out between the doors, causing them to open.

"Thanks," I said breathlessly, passing through the doors.

"No problem," a male voice answered.

I frowned, as he sounded familiar, but only slightly. Inside of me, the kid seemed to double in size. I glanced at the man who had spoken, only for my jaw to drop. It was the scarred man! I had seen him only once more since the day I had felt her kick for the first time and during the time, I had learnt only that his name was Connor. He had his boyfriend, Jude, with him, and they each had shopping bags wrapped around their hands.

Did they live here? Did they live in this building?

They got off on a floor before mine. Without sparing a glance at me, they walked out, arguing about whether or not to have pork chops or spaghetti for dinner. Before I could think about why, I stepped out of the elevator behind them. There was a little doorway into the elevator, so I could hide behind the wall and watch what apartment they went into. It was the one at the very end of the hallway on the left. When they had disappeared from view, I walked down the hallway and stood in front of their front door.

They lived in this building.

Inside of me, she seemed to be dancing.

Of course they lived in this building. I sighed. The universe thought that it was funny.

I dragged myself back to the elevator, although she didn't seem to be settling down. I flattened my hands against my stomach, thinking intently. I saw them first when I found out about her; second, when she kicked. The third time, she hadn't settled down once the entire time we were in the café, although I had blamed it on the panini Annie had bought for us to split – I'd never eaten one and I thought that it had been making her antsy. And now, when she was ready to come home and I was thinking about what to do with her, I saw them again.

And they lived in the building.

I let myself into my apartment, going to stand by the window.

I had decided that I wanted to leave her with a family, rather than just leaving her at a police station. I hadn't found that family yet, but, when I pictured where she might be, it was always with a mom and a dad who looked like her and who already had a sibling or two who looked like her. I had always thought that would be better, since she would ask less questions. Maybe they wouldn't even tell her that they were adopted. If I left her with these two men – this Jude and this Connor – then she would have to know that she was adopted. Would she look for me? She'd never find me; not if I left her with them in the middle of the night. The closest anyone might get to finding me would be Annie and she didn't even know my last name. And she'd never find Tai. And if Tai ever did find out about her, the last place he would look at her would be with two men, knowing how we both felt about gays.

But would she be safe there?

Over the next week, I did nothing but monitor the two of them as best as I was able. I looked and listened for signs of abuse; for loud arguments. But there was nothing. They were … annoyingly perfect. I only overheard raised voices once during my investigation. They were sitting in the old truck I always glared distastefully at when I walked through the parking lot; apparently, it belonged to the disgustingly scarred Connor. He had been the one yelling although, near as I could tell, it had nothing to do with his relationship with his boyfriend and everything to do with his relationship with his father.

It had ended with them kissing in the truck and I wasn't that much of a voyeur, so I had snuck away.

I was sitting on my bed, thinking about the two of them. She could come out of me at any point and I needed somewhere to leave her. My problems with the two of them now were the way that the scarred man looked and the fact that they were both men. The child, should I leave her with them, likely wouldn't have either of the problems that I did with them. I hadn't been able to figure out what had happened to Connor and I doubted that I ever would. She would grow up thinking that he was, if not normal looking, not repulsive. It wasn't as if the scars had anything to do with his personality, anyway. And, when it came to gay people, even though I didn't like them, I had to admit that homosexuality didn't equal being a bad person. They weren't bad people. They might love her.

It seemed to me that she wanted them, anyway. How else would I explain all that had happened?

I leant over my stomach. I wasn't in the habit of talking directly to her, as most of my thoughts toward her were hateful, but I had to ask.

"Do you want them?" I murmured to her. "Jude and Connor."

Their names felt strange on my lips, as if I didn't have the right to say them. Inside of me, she was active. In fact, I think she had moved more during my week of stalking than she had during any other week of my pregnancy. Her feet pummeled my sides in a terrible dance.

"Are they your parents?"

She kicked me again, and I thought that she might be excited.

"Fine. But, remember, you chose them. If anything goes wrong, you can never blame me."

She wouldn't remember that, but somehow, I hoped that she knew it. I ran my hands across my stomach and I wondered about what they would do. I didn't know if they would want her or if they would keep her, but I hoped that she would. I only had the opportunity to give this kid two things: her birth and a family. I had chosen to give birth and now she had chosen her family.

I hoped it worked out.

(-.-)

She's out.

She's out and she's in my arms and, oh, no, she's crying. Immediately, I forget everything that I have ever read about what to do when they came out. In my panic, I spot the clean towels I had piled by my bed and I wrap her in one as best as I can. She's a disgusting mess, but, at least, she's crying. She's breathing and she appears fine. I cut the umbilical cord with a pair of scissors, even though the books told me not to. It's not like I'm calling an ambulance to come and get me and the cord has to be cut.

She's still crying. I rub the towel gently against her. She's probably cold. I fold another towel around her and inspect her. As suspected, she's ugly. She's a crying child with a misshapen head. It's beyond me why people intentionally go and create these things. She's blacker than I am; she has Tai's pitch black skin. She also has his nose, which I'm glad for. I don't like my nose. I think it's a little too wide and I always feel like people are staring up at it. Tai's nose isn't narrow, mind you, but its shape is a little bit better. She has dark brown eyes, almost black, but both Tai and I do, so that was never in question. It's her hair that gets me. She doesn't have much of it – the fact that she has any is impressive – but it's not my hair or Tai's hair.

This is my mother's hair.

It's wild and curly and black and it's my mother's hair. For the first time, I feel something unabashedly maternal, spurred by the thought of my mother. My mother died when I was forty-six and, before that, I hadn't seen her since I was in my thirties. I may have only been with Tai for less than a decade, but cocaine had been my love long before that, and my mother had told me that I could leave and be an addict or I could stay and be clean.

I had chosen to be an addict.

I touch one of her wet curls and I think of my mother, picturing her with her wide smile and her afro. She had loved me and my four siblings – three brothers and one sister, who I hadn't seen in years either and who I never would see again, because they unabashedly hated me and made it clear that I wasn't part of their lives. That was fine; I'm not the only screwed up one of the bunch and, without our mother holding us together, we would have fallen away from each other eventually. But my mother … She had always been talking about motherhood and how, one day, we would love our own parenthoods. Even then, I hadn't been partial to children and was already sure that I wasn't going to have one, but she had always told me that I'd feel different, holding my own child in my arms; that my child would change some part of me.

I don't think this child has changed me. I don't think that I'll think of her and regret the decisions I've made. She's been inside of me for nine months; it's only been a few weeks since she and I decided she was going to live with Jude and Connor. Already, I think of her as theirs. She's not mine; she was never meant to be mine. I'm not supposed to leave any part of myself with her and I'm not supposed to take any part of her with me. Still, I find myself whispering a name.

"Maia."

My mother's name. My oldest niece's name.

Her plump lips are opening and closing. Is she supposed to eat? I'm not sure and I don't dare go to consult my books. My breasts are aching and I offer her one. She's going to have to eat sometime and I have nothing else for her. I never planned on her coming out early enough in the day that I wouldn't be able to risk taking her to their door. It's four-seventeen in the morning. They won't be awake but other people might be. I can't risk it.

"We might as well get along for the next couple of hours," I sigh to her. It won't even be a full day.

I settle myself back against the pillows and wait.

(-.-)

It's one-thirty in the morning and Maia's fast asleep on the bed. I'm moving slowly as I pack a small bag and gather my money from the lamp. I won't be coming back here. I fold up the shower curtain, covered in things too gross to discuss, and then slide it into another plastic bag. I'll throw it in the public bins on my way out. I take one of my library books and rip out the back page. I feel only slightly guilty about it – I have no intention of returning them, anyway. I tear the paper in half. On one half, I write only two words: Sorry, Annie.

The other half is more difficult. It's a note to the two of them. There's several things that I want to say to them. I want them to know that she wanted them; I want them to know not to look for me. In the end, I leave it as short as I possibly can and I give them nothing to find me by. I don't want them to feel pressured into keeping her so I try and make sure there are no pressure in my words. I'm only slightly satisfied when I'm done, but I can't wait any longer.

I leave the first note on the counter. The second, I take into the bedroom with me. There is a soft pink blanket I've been saving for this moment. I wrap her up in it, making sure my note to them is secure in its folds. I shoulder my bag, make sure my cell phone is in my pocket, and then I take her into my arms. After so long of carrying her around inside of me, I hate holding her. I close the door to the apartment behind me and I don't feel any regret. Funny; I was expecting to.

I take the elevator down to their floor and I place her in front of their door. I knock and, the moment I do, she begins to cry. I don't hesitate – I run away from her and to the little area in front of the elevator. I know it's risky to stay here like this, but I need to make sure that they find her and that no one else hears her first and takes her.

It feels like an eternity of waiting in the darkness, but, finally, their apartment door opens. It's Connor with a gun. He has a gun. If he's anything like Tai and his gun –

Before I can finish the thought, his hands rush over the gun, making it safe for him to set it on the floor so he can pull Maia into his arms. He's holding her more gently than I ever have. A light flicks on behind the two of them, and I stare at the scarred man holding the child I carried for so long. This is one of her fathers. For the first time, it sits right with me that she's going to have two of them and no mother.

"Is that a baby?" I faintly hear Jude before the door closes.

I heave a sigh of relief. She's gone. She's actually, finally, gone. I should be concerned about what's happening down the hallway. At the very least, I should wonder. But I don't care. I'm me. I'm only me. There's no invader in my stomach.

I get back in the elevator and go down to the bottom floor. I leave the disgusting shower curtain behind and then I keep on walking. I get on one of the late night busses and I ride until I'm an hour away from where I left Maia. Then, I sit on the steps of a different apartment building. I turn on my cell phone that's been off for nine months. I wonder if Tai has cut me off. I wonder if he'll answer.

It works and I call him.

"Sadie," he murmurs, his voice husky and high.

"Tai!" I realize in this moment how much I've missed him.

"Are you coming home?"

"Are you coming to get me?"

"Just tell me where."

So I do.

I found the place where Maia belonged and now it's time for me to go back where I belong.

Also, it's my nineteenth birthday – did I mention that? ;)

The song Sadie references is, of course, Hey Jude by The Beatles.

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Never Say Goodbye, add backslash tagged backslash never dash say dash goodbye

I don't own anything recognizable.

~TLL~