Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.
The work by Cyrus Diaz remains theirs.
I unwrapped myself from Bella and went upstairs. I entered her bedroom making sure to place the door exactly as it had been before I had opened it. I positioned myself onto the bed and waited for her.
Bella and her father talked while I thought through the day. Even though I had been determined that Bella would come home, I was still elated that I had succeeded. Any doubt that had remained was shaken away. I loved her. I would not harm her. And I had learned how to keep myself in control. Jasper's advice had held the key. I reconsidered my need to have Alice there. Certainly Carlisle and Esme had appreciated that Bella and I were accompanied. That would have been the case indeterminate of the danger. In addition, I had to concede that having Alice there had, most likely, given me the fortitude that I had needed. Whatever had brought me here didn't matter. What mattered was that I had proven that I no longer needed to be kept on a leash. I was no longer the weakest link as I had been all these weeks. What a relief!
I felt myself begin to growl. I stopped my ruminations to pay more attention to my surroundings; once again Jasper's warning came to mind. I quickly replayed the conversation happening downstairs. I concluded that I had growled in response to Chief Swan's inquiry into Mike Newton's interest in Bella. As if I didn't have enough trouble getting rid of that boy.
My ire increased until I heard Bella respond, "He's just a friend, Dad."
I checked to make sure that my growl hadn't been loud enough to alert Chief Swan to my presence. It was honestly a bit difficult with Bella being mentally mute and Chief Swan being mentally fuzzy. As they continued on with their conversation I didn't pick up anything concerning. I assumed that I had been quiet enough. I had to watch myself in the future. Getting lost in thought around Bella, even if she was some distance away, I began to see was potentially unwise. Growling in her father's presence probably wouldn't give him the best impression. After a bit more I heard Bella walk up the stairs with a strange gait–as if she was being purposefully slow.
She shut the door with effort and then ran on her tiptoes across the room to the window. She looked quite adorable. She opened it easily. It was nice to know that my oiling it had helped her in this small way. She leaned out.
She scanned into the darkness and whispered, "Edward?"
I couldn't contain myself anymore and giggled quietly.
"Yes?"
She whirled around to the sound of my voice, her hand grasping her throat in surprise. That was odd. I wondered why she automatically protected her throat. Had she come to her senses while she talked to her Dad? Had the conversation about Mike awakened her desire to have someone human in her life? The look on her face pulled me out of my concerns. I couldn't help a huge smile from spreading across my face.
"Oh!" she breathed, and then sunk unsteadily to the floor as if she was going to faint.
I wanted to laugh at her. She was quite the sight, but I knew that she didn't like to appear weak, so I pressed my lips together attempting to hold it in.
"I'm sorry," I whispered back.
I really hadn't meant to frighten her.
"Just give me a minute to restart my heart," she replied.
I certainly didn't want to stop her heart. Concerned that I might exasperate her condition I sat up very slowly. Then just as slowly I leaned forward and reached out to her. I gripped the tops of her arms and moved her to sit beside me. Certainly sitting on the bed had to be more comfortable than the floor.
"Why don't you sit with me?" I recommended playfully placing my hand on top of hers. "How's the heart?" I asked even though I could hear it beginning to return to its normal rhythm.
"You tell me–I'm sure you hear it better than I do." Her voice was still raspy and there was a hint of irritation.
I laughed quietly but with my full body. I guess she was actually getting used to what I could do. I couldn't believe how happy that made me. She was accepting me not only in theory, not just in name, but in actuality. She was accepting and adjusting to my true self without questioning my capacities or being scared by them. How I ended up with such an incredible creature beside me was beyond me. I was certain that I hadn't done anything to be given something so precious.
That unknown feeling of being filled and being at rest returned again. I didn't want anything more than what I had in this moment. I sat listening to her heart watching her body calm down.
A poem by Cyrus Diaz titled Contentment came to mind:
A perfect life can't be
found in wealth, it can be taken.
not in popularity, soon you
will be forgotten.
not in beauty, its not permanent.
not in intelligence,
it doesn't make us
higher creation of God.
Instead,
A perfect life can be found
in contentment,
with the things we have,
from the love we give and get,
from the people around us,
and from the faith in God
who give us everything.
As I recalled the poem, I was able to name the feeling I had been having–contentment. I did not merit this feeling. Nevertheless, it was there. Whether I deserved Bella or not, she was the most important thing in my life now. Carlisle's words came back to me again. I would simply have to continue showing myself worthy of these gifts.
After a moment Bella shifted and asked, "Can I have a minute to be human?"
"Certainly," I responded with a wave.
I watched her in interest as she got up out of the bed, went and retrieved her toiletries bag, and walked towards her bedroom door.
"Stay," she commanded me with a stern look before opening it.
Her trying to be stern with was incredibly adorable to me. Certainly no fear.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied in jest.
Nonetheless, I froze showing her that I would comply with her request. I listened as she went through her routine, but I couldn't help going back to where I had left off reviewing the day's events. This time I made sure I didn't immerse myself in my thoughts. Today seemed as impossible as the first day we met. I had managed the impossible not once but twice. Could I really manage the impossibility three times and become that Edward? I remembered my previous convictions. An Edward that protected my family and Bella. An Edward that was as good as Esme believed and as controlled as Carlisle saw. An Edward that was self-less and giving, that put my needs after others, especially Bella's. That Edward would never allow Alice's vision to be actualized. With success ringing in my ears it seemed not just possible, not just likely if I was determined enough, but a true reality. Perhaps it was enough to be my redemption.
I heard Bella leave the bathroom and go downstairs and exchange 'Night' with her father.
She was practically running now up the stairs and pushed the door opened with excited expectation. She turned and closed the door tightly behind her. She smiled and I took that as my cue that I was permitted to move again.
I looked her over and raised one eyebrow.
"Nice."
Her clothes covered enough and were baggy enough to not draw my eye to areas I would rather they not go. That didn't stop the temptation of her scent though. The water seemed to add an earthy quality to it that I remembered from when she had turned her face upwards to the sky.
She grimaced and looked doubtful.
"No, it looks good on you," I reassured her.
Many female minds over the years had imagined themselves in skimpy nightwear or silk or lace. I doubted that I could manage Bella in anything like that. No, this was perfect.
"Thanks," she whispered back coming towards me, then getting on the bed crossed-legged beside me.
She looked down at the floor.
I wished I could read her mind. Instead I satisfied another curiosity.
"What was all that for?"
She wasn't quite back to her resting rate yet. I listened as her body calmed itself.
"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out."
I contemplated that. That meant that her father knew she was acting strangely. Perhaps that explained the Mike comment; he was fishing.
"Oh," was all I could manage. Minutes passed. "Why?" I asked, when even after reviewing my brain's recording of their conversation and Bella father's fuzzy thoughts, I couldn't discover how she would know that.
"Apparently, I look a little overexcited," she explained.
Ah. Her father must be able to read her fairly well. Better than me it would seem. Was she overexcited? I lifted her chin.
"You look very warm, actually." I lowered my face closer to hers and laid my cheek against her skin. Definitely warm. "Mmmmm …," came out as I breathed.
If this was overexcited, I would not complain. The sensation was incredible. Not like kissing her for sure, but still, delightful. I stayed like that enjoying her warmth penetrating my face. She moved a bit so I froze waiting to see what she needed.
"It seems to be … much easier for you, now, to be close to me," she stated slowly.
I relaxed. Humans fidget and move all the time I reminded myself. I pondered her observation.
"Does it seem that way to you?" I muttered as I glided my nose to the corner of her jaw.
I gently moved her hair so that I could bring my lips to the hollow beneath her eye without obstruction.
"Much, much easier."
Her heart rate had begun to pickup again.
"Hmm," was all I managed.
Her warmth and scent penetrated me, wrapped me up, and pulled me in a direction where I had never been before the fire had roared to life. It wasn't easier, I decided. Merely I was sure that I could stay in control. That assurance gave me more freedom, but it still wasn't any easier to manage all the strong sensations pulling at me.
"So I was wondering …" she began as I took my fingers and slowly traced her collarbone.
After waiting what seemed like a reasonable amount of time and having her not continue I asked, "Yes?"
"Why is that do you think?" Her voice shook in a way I had never heard before.
I laughed softly onto her neck my body moving to the jubilancy I felt.
"Mind over matter."
She pulled back. Her movement surprised me. I froze and instinctually stopped breathing. I wasn't sure what I did, but there wasn't room to run away here. In such close quarters I wasn't willing to chance surprises. We might be able to repair our house, but I doubted Bella's father would be as understanding as Esme.
I stared at her trying to figure out what I did.
She stared at me curiously.
Seeing that whatever it was there was no danger to her or her house I began to relax.
"Did I do something wrong?" I inquired.
I reviewed what had happened in case I had missed something the first time.
"No–the opposite. You're driving me crazy," she admitted bashfully with her cheeks filled with blood.
I considered that. Maybe it wasn't just her driving me crazy then. Maybe … just maybe she was accurate in her claim that my touch was as intoxicating to her as her touch was to me.
I couldn't help but smile triumphantly while I asked, "Really?" excitement filling my question.
Her face turned sour. "Would you like a round of applause?" she asked sarcastically.
Yes, actually. Instead I grinned pleased.
"I'm just pleasantly surprised," I clarified not wanting her to be sour. "In the last hundred years or so," teasing her with my age, "I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with … in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it … at being with you …"
It was rather exciting.
"You're good at everything," she retorted.
I shrugged. That wasn't the case, given the disparities in our natures, but I wasn't going to argue. There were a few things I was good at: running, music, and now I could add being with Bella to my list. It was a short list, but it was good enough.
Bella started laughing softly and I joined her.
The reality that we could sit here so close, her alive, and the monster firmly caged was exhilarating.
"But how can it be so easy now?" she asked obviously not wanting to let this go. "This afternoon …"
I wanted to explain, but it again required exposing my fallacy. It would certainly expose the fact that I am not good at everything.
"It's not easy." I sighed readying myself for the next part. "But this afternoon, I was still …" I searched for the right word, "… undecided. I am sorry for that, it was unforgivable for my behaving so."
I searched her face, waiting for her to see my weakness.
"Not unforgivable," she said instead with nothing but compassion and care on her face.
"Thank you," I said politely. I smiled at how much grace she had thus far given me. "You see, I wasn't sure if I was strong enough …" I picked up one of her hands and pressed it lightly to my face taking in her scent. "And while there was still that possibility that I might be … overcome"–I breathed in deeply taking her into the deepest part of my lungs tasting her as her scent entered my mouth–"I was … susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would …" words failed me. I didn't want to say it aloud. "… that I ever could …" I failed at speaking. Usually after a second or so a word would come to me. But this, there were no words to speak. So, I just left it hanging.
She looked at me closely examining me.
"So there's no possibility now?"
I considered. I could not kill the creature I loved any more than I could kill Carlisle or Esme or my siblings. Even the monster knew this.
"Mind over matter," I repeated and smiled.
I wondered if I could manage if her blood was flowing, but quickly put aside that thought. I would just have to prevent that possibility.
"Wow, that was easy," she commented.
I threw my head back and laughed quietly but exuberantly.
If you only knew, Bella, the struggle the torment I have suffered and will suffer every day to be with you.
I was glad she never would, though.
"Easy for you!" I pointed out as I touched her nose with my fingertip.
Then the reality of what we were talking about hit me. This was only possible because I paid so much attention, because I ensured that so much of my focus was on her. It would be so easy to relax and let my focus slip. No, this was not easy, but it was worth it.
"I'm trying," the pain of the thought in my voice. "If it gets to be … to much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."
When you no longer wanted me in your life, I would leave. I had at least that much pride left; at least I hoped I did. Human emotions, especially young adolescent female emotions, are fickle. I had observed it decade after decade. It wasn't really until early twenties in my era and presently mid to late twenties that the female mind began to settle. I knew this and I did not care. It would be all worth it, just to have this.
She scowled at me.
I didn't want to frighten her, yet I needed to warn her. I needed her to see the reality of our situation.
"And it will be harder tomorrow. I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch though, I think."
Do you understand, Bella, that this moment is exceptional and not every day can be like today?
"Don't go away, then," she responded full of longing.
The longing surprised me. What was she longing for? Was it simply my company or was there something more? I had no way to know. Asking opened the possibility to too many conversations I didn't want to have. I set my questions aside for now hoping that one day this mystery would be revealed.
"That suits me," I replied with a gentle smile. "Bring on the shackles–I'm your prisoner," I teased.
I wrapped my hands around her wrists certain that her delicate hands would not fit around mine. I laughed quietly again at the idea that I, a creature with superior strength, sight, speed, and reflexes could be held prisoner by a human. But it wasn't just any human; it was Bella, my personally made heroin that had me hooked.
"You seem more … optimistic than usual," she noted observing me closely. "I haven't seen you like this before."
I paused. Had I ever been like this? I had moments of jubilation. I laughed with my siblings and enjoyed conversations with Carlisle, but this was none of those.
"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" I said smiling. "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"
There was no other explanation as to why I felt this light, this full.
"Very different," she agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."
Yes, that was true. I hadn't ever been able to imagine the force of it. I was pleased that it was more forceful than she imagined as well. I understood that she could never hold the strength of emotion that I could. Their strength would break her. Consequently, I felt stronger than her, but her feelings must be strong for her. That was enough.
"For example, the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me …" The memory of that day came back to me and I could not contain a grimace. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?"
I watched her face shift in recognition.
She nodded. "The day you started talking to me again."
It pleased me that was how she remembered it. The strength of her yes to me, even in this statement, astounded me.
"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt–I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care. And then the line started forming."
I chuckled at the memory of each of their expressions when she said no, especially Tyler. I noticed she scowled at me. Was she remembering the same thing and recounting her feelings in those moments?
I decided to just continue. "I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure. That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry. And then," I quieted my voice even more thinking about that night. "As you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed though me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer."
I was silent for at least a full minute considering if I wanted to reveal the full strength of my weakness when it came to her.
"But jealousy … it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton …" I shook my head attempting to dislodge the images of flaying that boy.
"I should have known you'd be listening," she groaned.
It wasn't like I could turn it off, but now wasn't the time to explain.
"Of course."
I watched her features as she took in what I had said. Then they contorted into something else.
"That made you feel jealous, though, really?" she looked at me doubtfully with a touch of irritation.
She was upset at something, but I couldn't figure out what.
"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh," I tried to explain.
"But honestly," she voice was softer, teasing almost, with the irritation almost removed from her face being replaced with a sort of sadness. "For that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie–Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, Rosalie–was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?"
Was it possible that she was jealous of Rosalie? Rosalie would be certainly pleased to hear it.
"There's no competition," I stated hoping to assuage her concern.
I smiled widely at the thought that she was jealous too. I drew her near.
"I know there's no competition," she muttered into my chest. The sensation of her breath on me, even through the clothes was warming and singeing. "That's the problem."
Could she really think I would want Rosalie over her? My previous statement hadn't soothed her as I had intended.
"Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her own way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me." I became more serious. "For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours … all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet."
I listened as her breathing slowed some as if she were digesting the information through her lungs.
"It hardly seems fair," she whispered in response into my chest. "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?"
Silly, Bella. Hundred years was hardly anything to an immortal. Carlisle waited three hundred and the Denalis, Tanya, Kate, and Irina, have waited over a thousand.
"You're right," I said lightly with slight sarcasm, "I should make this harder for you, definitely." I moved her right hand into my right joining her other hand so that I could gently stroke her wet hair from her crown to the ends at her waist. "You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity … what's that worth?"
We did have that in common as well–we both were turning our backs on our natures. Mine was to be a monster and her's was to fear monsters. Her turning back on her nature was a far greater sacrifice and placed her in far greater risk.
"Very little," she answered. "I don't feel deprived of anything."
I felt the weight of the words as if they each weighed a ton. Of course she didn't feel deprived. She hadn't really lived yet. As the years passed, assuming we remained like this, she would begin see more clearly every day what she was giving up. The lies, the deceit, the cost to keep me in her life would begin to mount. Even if, in the most improbable of chances, that she never sent me away, it was inevitable that the price of being with me would become too great. I would always be constrained and in not too many years I would have to be hidden. The only possibility of me remaining in her life would be for her to have a human life for the world to see and then have our relationship in the shadows. Her whole life would end up being built on lies and half-truths. She would never be able to share with her family or friends the joy of being a wife or have the possibility of becoming a mother. No. This thing between us was not meant to last. But I would not dwell on that. I would listen to Carlisle's and Esme's advice and enjoy the moment.
"Not yet," was all I could manage to say.
I felt her move slightly, but another noise caught my attention–the stairs. Suddenly I was aware of the fact that Chief Swan's thoughts contained more than a vestige of Bella.
"What–" Bella began, when I froze. She stopped moving as well.
I released her hands and bolted into the closest while I whispered fiercely, "Lie down."
She listened to my directions. Straight away she went under her covers and balled up onto her side. As her father opened the door, she worked at regulating her breathing with slow deep breaths. As soon as he had left and closed the door behind him, I ran over to her bed and wrapped her in my arms. I pressed my lips to her ear.
"You are a terrible actress–I'd say that career path is out for you."
Even for those brief moments I had missed her warmth.
"Darn it," she muttered back.
I started singing her lullaby to her. It felt improper for a moment for me to assume that she would want me here and for us to be lying together on her bed. It certainly wasn't something my first mother would have approved. I paused from my singing contemplating if it would be more proper if I were to get up. However, I didn't want to be so afar from her warmth.
"Should I sing you to sleep?"
I tried to imagine, based on Esme's warning, what would be improper.
"Right," she laughed quietly. "Like I could sleep with you here."
Well, that wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no. I debated. I decided that I would stay next to her until she indicated that I should leave or ask me to remove myself from her bed. Our present situation might have been improper in my time, but I was trying to let Bella lead, after all. There were some advantages to modern women I smirked to myself.
I reminded her, "You do it all the time."
Memories of watching her sleep flittered through my mind.
"But I didn't know you were here," she replied coldly.
I guess she hadn't totally forgiven me about that. I wondered if I should have apologized.
"So, if you don't want to sleep …?" I left the question hanging.
I was overcome by the torrent combination of her warmth radiating through the covers, her scent, and just being able to hold her.
"If I don't want to sleep … ?"
I chuckled at her wish for me to finish the question despite it being obvious.
"What do you want to do then?"
She seemed to be thinking, trying to decide.
Finally she said, "I'm not sure."
I was wondrously content. Yes, that was the feeling. I didn't want to go anywhere. She could take as much time as she wanted. I was right with the world.
"Tell me when you decide."
I kept taking in deep breaths enjoying having her warmth next to me. I slide my nose along her jaw.
"I thought you were desensitized," she accused lightly.
It somehow made me giddy that she was aware of my nature. She seemed to simultaneously treat me as if I were human while keeping my struggle with my true nature in mind. I had no idea how she did both with equal grace, but it bound me to her even more than before. It made her more somehow.
"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," I teased quietly. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender …" I inhaled again. "or freesia. It's mouthwatering."
She tensed just the smallest fraction of an amount, but the rest of her body indicated calm.
"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell."
There was a teasing tone in her words, but something more. Like her brain told her this information put her in danger, but her body wouldn't comply with the appropriate reactions. I couldn't be sure though. Having her this close made it easier to sense her reactions, but as always her mind was a mystery.
The thought that she too was having a conflict between her mind and body caused me to chuckle softly. As I thought more about the dangerous position she was in and with the possibility that she was fighting her own mind, I sighed. I didn't want that. I didn't want her to have to sacrifice anything on my account. It just seemed so wrong, ungentlemanly or something. I should be adding to her life, not taking things away. I began to frown.
"I've decided what I want to do," she said interrupting my thoughts.
Even though my kind can mentally carry on many things simultaneously, it seemed especially when Bella was so close to me that she garnished my attention in a way that made my own thoughts feel like ghosts whispering in the wind.
"Ask me anything."
I am yours, my love. I filled the time till she spoke again with all the sensations she brought to me.
The question she choose surprised me.
"Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can work to resist what you … are. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place."
Once again she cut into the heart of the matter. She asked the question most difficult to answer. I searched for the words to explain so that she could understand. I attempted to rationalize our desire to rise above the hand dealt to us, and how we endeavoured to retain in ourselves the best of our humanity in a tone that I hoped implied the seriousness in which we took this effort.
She didn't move.
"Did you fall asleep?" I eventually asked her.
Her breathing pattern didn't sound like she was asleep, but she had fooled me before.
"No," she answered softly.
Me not reading her mind wasn't getting any easier. I wished that I could know what she thought about our noble attempt to be more than what our genes insisted we should be.
"Is that all you were curious about?" I finally decided to ask certain she was still curious.
"Not quite."
Naturally. Bella's curiosity never seemed quenched. She reminded me of Carlisle in that way.
"What else do you want to know?"
I was curious what her brain had been pondering.
"Why can you read minds–why only you? And Alice, seeing the future … why does that happen?"
I shrugged. "We really don't know. Carlisle has a theory … he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified–like our minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition, wherever she was."
Then I waited and predicted her next question.
"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?"
It was nice, I found, to talk about my family in this way.
"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her … tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness."
I chuckled. Maybe she had used it to a better end than I. The number of deaths on her hands was certainly lower than mine. She had also brought her beauty, which I supposed if we hunted regularly would be used to lure in prey. That was a mute point, though, given our dietary choices.
"Jasper is very interesting," I continued. "He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him–calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift."
I remembered when Alice and Jasper had shown up at our house and how I first figured out Jasper's full capacity. Their arrival hadn't created the level of exposure risk that Bella entering our lives had. Nevertheless, that time of our family had certainly been eventful. Not quite as many family table conferences either in such a short amount of time, but still.
Eventually Bella thought of her next question, "So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on …"
"Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate anglefish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds?"
I watched her features as she took that in.
"Let me get this straight–I'm the baby seal, right?"
I laughed. "Right."
Did she now understand my statements about why we shouldn't be friends? I kissed her head and then ran my fingers down her hair.
After a bit I checked, "Are you ready to sleep? Or do you have any more questions?"
I could easily guess at her answer.
"Only a million or two."
I smiled. Of course.
But she was tired.
"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next …"
Momentarily I allowed myself to imagine what it might be like to spend every day for the rest of her life with her.
"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning? You are mythical, after all."
There was a hint of concern? … fear? … in her teasing.
I needed to reassure her that I would keep her safe. I was unable to be far from her anyway.
"I won't leave you."
I can't. You carry with you all that makes me feel alive.
"One more, then, tonight …?"
Then she blushed, warmth being added and her cheeks turning pink. It was beautiful.
"What is it?" I asked when she didn't seem to continue.
"No, forget it. I changed my mind."
Her embarrassment at whatever she was thinking about seemed to be increasing.
I tried to guess at what it might be.
"Bella, you can ask me anything." I had given up trying to guess and went straight to reassurance.
I waited and waited the seconds ticking by. I waited the usual time it took her to respond to something and then even more time. Still she said nothing. I groaned at my own frustration.
"I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and worse."
This time she responded quickly for her.
"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."
I filled my voice with all of my persuasive ability and begged, "Please?"
She shook her head. I decided to try a different tactic.
"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume that it's something much worse than it is." Then resumed persuasion. "Please?"
"Well," she finally said.
The suspense was awful. Was I always this impatient? Since I was accustomed to always knowing what people thought and therefore had no need to be patient, I suppose I wasn't bound to be very good at it. It seemed out of place with me being an eternal creature, though. I remembered my realization in the meadow that if I wanted to be that Edward, I would need patience. There was no time like now to practice.
I attempted, but was unable to contain myself, "Yes?"
Then I waited again. This time I tried to be more patient. It finally paid off.
"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon … Is that marriage … the same as it is for humans?"
With each pause her face and neck had gotten warmer and warmer.
I laughed earnestly. So many things she could have asked … I certainly would of reached a worse conclusion than this.
"Is that what you're getting at?"
She fidgeted, but said nothing. It seemed like I might not get an answer. The desires that I wanted combined with her question created impossible images in my mind. Images of us joined together as lovers. I had to get these mental pictures under control before my body betrayed me.
"Yes, I suppose it is much the same. I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."
I could almost hear her mind working it over.
"Oh," she finally managed.
I wondered what specifically she was trying to get at.
"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?"
Then I waited again, longer than normal, but she did finally begin to say something.
"Well, I did wonder … about you and me … someday …"
I froze. I had dismissed those thoughts almost outright knowing that they were fruitless. I couldn't bear children and the risk to my delicate flower was too much. The image that assaulted me was her crushed under my body. No matter what images my desire might produce it didn't change the reality–the risk of her death at my hand. How many men had my cousins killed before they were able to perfect being with a human? There was only one Bella. I noticed that she had stilled. How to say this delicately was the question.
"I don't think that … that … would be possible for us."
She took that in.
"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that … close?" she finally asked.
That too was certainly a problem, despite the monster being well contained, albeit a much lesser concern than the image of her crushed underneath me.
"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." It was hard to admit this, how easily I could kill her. I took my palm and laid it on her cheek to show myself and her, perhaps, that I could control myself. "If I was too hasty … if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredible breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."
I let the weight of what I said penetrate. I waited an appropriate amount of time and still she said nothing. I waited some more and still nothing. With each passing minute my dread that this would be the moment when she would say no and send me away from her grew. A growl escaped my lips.
"Are you scared?" I finally asked unable to live with my fears.
For over a minute she said nothing. Then finally to my relief she spoke. Anything she might say would be better than the waiting.
"No. I'm fine," she declared with a firmness in her voice that I hadn't expected.
I considered all the implications of her questions and what she might be hoping from me. Of all the things that went through my mind the strongest was the resurgence of jealousy. I debated with myself if I wanted the answer to my question. Finally I decided that I did.
"I'm curious now, though. Have you ever …?" I worked at keeping my tone light so that she knew she wouldn't have to fear no matter what her answer.
"Of course not." Her flush was even stronger this time. "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."
A wave of relief filled me all the way to my toes.
Yet, I realized that she hadn't really directly answered my question. Was she hiding something?
"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."
I waited this time not as relaxed as I had been. As the seconds passed the anxiety built up again.
"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all." She sighed putting me out of my misery.
This time the relief had no counterpart.
"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least."
I liked the idea that she wasn't any more experienced in this area than I was. We could learn together in whatever was safe for Bella. I settled into holding her and letting her have my attention when she started speaking again. Even this was more than I could have asked for.
"You're human instincts …." There was a long pause again. This time I just waited. Whatever it was she didn't seem to be pulling back her words. I would try to be patient. "Well, do you find me attracting, in that way, at all?"
I laughed at the joy of her concern. Then I lightly rumpled her hair. Ironic. She was concerned that I only wanted her blood. Had I at first? No. Even before I had wanted her blood I had been puzzled by her, irritated perhaps, but no, her blood hadn't been the first thing that had caught my attention. I couldn't imagine a more ironic question.
"I may not be human, but I am a man," I attempted to explain.
I hoped this reassured her. She had no reason to be concerned about that. Lots of other things, like her dying at my hand, were reasonable things to worry about. Me desiring her was not. In fact, it was part of the problem. It was a huge part of why I couldn't seem to be apart from her.
She yawned.
I felt bad. I was keeping her awake.
"I've answered your questions, now you should sleep," I insisted.
I hoped that she was listening, instead after a few minutes she proclaimed, "I'm not sure if I can."
I was right. I was keeping her from sleeping. Even though I didn't want to go, I couldn't have that. It was uncouth.
"Do you want me to leave?" I asked wanting to give her the choice.
"No!" she said emphatically.
I laughed softly and gently. I liked that she didn't want me to leave anymore than I wanted to go. I thought of ways that might help her sleep. I decided to resume humming her lullaby softly.
Shortly after she drifted to sleep. I knew that I needed to go home. Alice would have seen that Bella was alive, but that didn't leave me bereft of my responsibilities. Concurrently I didn't want to leave Bella's side. I debated. I was probably irritating Alice with my indecisiveness. In the end I stayed through Bella's sleep talking until I knew from her breathing and heart that she was deeply asleep, then I separated myself from her and ran home exuberant from my success but nervous to see my family.
