Eleanor

Envy

It's been two weeks now we've slept in Ally's in cardboard boxes it's been frigid cold rainy snowy, smelly we've spent most of the days in Library's and youth centers trying to keep warm come up with some kind of plan while trying to remain low key. Finally we got a small dingy apartment were trying to save money but we have someplace warm to lay down our heads. We have a fireplace which we filled with wood till we can get electric and heat hooked up. Lexi thank god looks so much older than sixteen so she had little trouble finding someone to get us fake Id's which she used to get an agent so we could rent this place. I'm not sure what she had to do but I knew it involved a lot of paper work. Everyday were out hunting for jobs it's so cold I can see my breath when I breathe out. So far no luck they just look at us like they know were too young or not responsible enough. I'm scared our funds are running low we bought cleaning supplies food we sent every ounce of free time trying to clean this place up were so tired at night we just fall into the bedding we've made out of sleeping bags and cardboard boxes. Were searching thrift shops second hand shops for beds or couches but we don't want to draw attention to ourselves or spend everything else we have.

Envy

I got a job! I got a job! I'm a waitress now at a bar in downtown Illinois it's hard work the men are nasty but it's work which means I am making money. My boss's name is John he's kind of a creep I swear I saw him staring at me while I changed today. Gross he is a total pig but he gave me this job so I have to be grateful for that. My head hurts when I come home in the mornings it's so loud inside the bar it makes me dizzy. The bar's sleazy but it's always packed my first week I made $300 I was so happy! Lexi took me out to celebrate we walked along the river and laid under the stars cuddling kissing it was so lovely Envy to be free to not be afraid of being spotted.

Envy

We were robbed! This is horrible I am shaking we came home today to see our door broken down all our stuff was gone. Were homeless again it hurts to say it but it's true were back to sleeping under bridges our money is gone. Were freezing dirty we panhandled today didn't make anything just spare change not enough to even get a cup of coffee, were spit on harassed given dirty looks. It's embarrassing to have to dig into a dumpster to get food but that's what were doing just to survive. I know no one would feel sorry for me. I left an amazing home but as horrible as this is I wouldn't trade my old life because there I wasn't free to be with Lexi. I would trade everything to be with her. Tonight were lying under a drippy old creaking bridge along with twenty or so more runaways throwaway teens and kids, we didn't speak to each other it was too cold to move my lips. Lexi and I had our arms wrapped around each other kissing touching anything to get warmth to our bodies. Brett and Kit were laying on top of each other cuddled under a sleeping bag. Brett's been fighting a bad cold so we let them have the bag. I'm on guard all the time we have so little but what we have I will keep close. The scariest part are the damn birds they squawk and poop all night long. Gross this rain won't let up either.

"Want a puff" I looked over to see a girl around our age with big puffy rainbow hair wearing a jean jacket she held out her joint. Lexi smiled at her as she took it nodding her thanks. "I'm Lexi thanks" "Welcome I'm seawise" we looked at her she shrugged

"Don't know my real name anymore I was five when I was kicked out of my home my mum found me kissing my neighbor what can I say she was cute. Mum flipped out kicked me out.I sneaked onto a boat that was carrying cargo. Been traveling by sea for years now sneaking on when I was younger but as I got older I learned how to work on ships so fisherman started hiring me cheap labor all I asked for was a ride and some food. Been to countless cities."

"Sounds kind of cool"

"Yea it's alright better than being at home and beaten mum hates homo's. I've accepted my sexuality for awhile now, this is my mate angel he was kicked out by his step dad what a prick he use to come in and do things to him so he left" Angel looked so young maybe 12 or 10, "He told me that gays will burn in hell yet he did all these nasty things to me, I was still the disgusting one he is an asshole"

We didn't say any more we just smoked the remaining joint which did little to warm me but it did calm me. Why would parents be so cruel? They were suppose to love us protect us yet here we all were we weren't bad kids we didn't do bad things. We just chose not to let society live our lives for us, I wasn't going to let them tell me who I could or couldn't love so for that I guess I have to give up some things food, shelter, a warm bed clothes, safety, dignity. It'll be worth it in the end Envy right?

Envy

Today Angel, Kit and I did some things I never want to have to think about ever again! Never mind relive it but I feel I have to put them down so maybe someday someone will understand how desperate we are. Were no longer in Des Moines now we caught a ferry thanks to Seawise's skills in three weeks we've been in Illinois, Denver, New Mexcio, now were in La. We were just huddled together trying to stay warm when we were stopped by these young men who said they thought we were beautiful and wanted to take us to a party. They didn't look much older than us so we figured why not. Boy were we wrong it was a rave and they expected us to work it we ended up dealing to kids younger than us it was scary. I felt so dirty but than again these kids were going to use no matter what. I might as well prosper from it. We made $200 a piece. Than Angel, Kit and I we were lead into a back room and we were forced to do these old men. Gross Kit was so upset he cried in my arms all night over it. He was a virgin before this. Thank god I didn't have to go that far! I'd kill myself.

Drugs are the only thing getting me through the days, nights we dropped acid, we smoked meth, snorted coke. Whatever we can afford whenever we can afford it. It doesn't really numb me anymore it just gets me through. Any food we find we share among each other it doesn't last long were always hungry, cold. The only nights I am warm are the ones I spend in some apartment in some part of the city giving a blowy it's gross, I vomit afterwards every time. Yet it's what I have to do just to get through.

Lexi got a job at a high end escort service I hate it! It makes me sick these men crawling all over my girlfriend! But she banks good money. We need money to get by. So someday we won't have to do these awful things.

Skidrow it's scary it's not safe people will try to rob you in a heartbeat not that we have anything to be taken. There's gunfire all the time, I feel safer in a group though than by myself. The only good thing is drugs are everywhere. I took for granted what I had like making a midnight snack when I was hungry, when I was cold I had plenty of blankets to chose from, I had staff that would get me whatever I needed.

Now I have just myself to depend on it's difficult. This is no place for a kid but it's my life now. We've met other kids I don't bother to learn their names but in the last few weeks I've seen five kids die from the outside elements disease, starvation two got shot some just vanish I assume their killed while working at night. I don't get to know them well to me they give me access we pass along the bottles of beer, wine, we share joints.

Kit and I were talking today how sad it is that we both come from privilege families yet we mean so little to them. You would think the princess of england being missing would grant some media attention, the son of a parliament member also being missing would get some but nothing. We even checked the Internet at the library. It really brought us down I mean sure my mum and I don't really see eye to eye but my dad. I guess it's true he hates gays,. Lexi and Brett wanted to cheer us up so they took us to a concert in the park. The music was off the hook the booze was free flowing. Lexi kept the shots coming, we did so much that I lost track of everything. I vaguely remember feeling sick and dizzy.