Author's Notes: I do not own Doctor Who. I can't think why. Thanks for the reads and reviews, I love getting them. Short chapter, but you know, short skit. Let me know what you think and happy reading!
The three stood in the TARDIS looking at each other.
"Who are you two?," asked the man with the celery. He looked at the two of them. "What are you doing in my TARDIS?"
"Oh, my God!," said Donna, things suddenly clicking. She turned to her doctor. "He's-"
"That's right," said Ten.
Donna looked him up and down. "Oh, my God! OH. MY. GOD!"
"Is that all you're going to say?," asked Five.
"What am I supposed to say?," Donna snapped.
Now Ten spoke. "Oh, brilliant! I mean, totally wrong, big emergency, universe goes bang in five minutes but... brilliant!" He looked at Donna. "Isn't it brilliant?"
"What do you mean the universe goes bang in five minutes?," asked Donna with a scowl.
"Isn't this brilliant?," asked Ten, clearly ignoring the whole universe ending thing.
"Not if the universe goes bang in five minutes," said Donna. "Sorry, didn't walk the Earth so you could blow up the universe."
"I'm not blowing it up!," Ten squeaked.
"I'm the Doctor, who are you?," Five asked accusingly.
"Yes, you are," said Ten, still grinning, "You are the Doctor."
"Yes, I am the Doctor."
"Oh, my God," said Donna.
"Seriously, Donna," said Ten.
"The size of your bloody ego is amazing. You are actually excited about-"
"Is there something wrong with you two?," Five interrupted.
"Oh there it goes! The frowny face, I remember that one!," said Ten. He grabbed his counterpart's face with both hands and squished his cheeks. "Mind you, bit saggier than it ought to be, hair's a bit grayer. That's because of me, though, the two of us together has shorted out the time differential, should all snap back in place when we get you back home. Be able to close that coat again. But never mind that! Look at you! The hat, the coat, the crickety cricket stuff the... stick of celery, yeah. Brave choice celery, but fair play to you - not a lot of men can carry off a decorative vegetable."
Five finally snapped. "Shut up! There is something wrong with my TARDIS and I've got to do something about it very, very quickly, and it would help, it really would help, if there wasn't some skinny idiot ranting in my face about everything that happens to be in front of him and some woman who only seems capable of saying three words!"
"Watch it, celery boy," said Donna.
"Oh, okay, sorry, Doctor," said Ten.
"Thank you," said Five turning and putting his hat down on the console.
"Oh! The back of my head!," Ten exclaimed. "Sorry, Sorry, not something you see ever day, is it, the back of your own head. Mind you, I see why you wear a hat. I don't want to seem vain, but could you keep that on?"
Five turned and glared. "What have you done to my TARDIS? You've changed the desktop theme... what is this one then, coral?"
"Well..."
"It's worse than leopard skin!"
"Leopard skin?," asked Donna.
"It was a phase," said Ten.
"Got any other settings I should know about?," asked Donna. "Like cuffs and leather?"
"I promise there are lots of settings we're going to explore," said the Doctor. "Just hold that thought."
"I was joking!," said Donna.
"No cuffs and leather?"
"No!," Donna screeched.
"Well, how should I know? You're my first human! I don't know what you all generally get up to, I've only gotten hints from HBO!," said Ten. "And Jack! Not that I want them, mind you."
"What are you two on about?," asked Five.
"God, he's denser than you," Donna muttered.
Five pulled out a pair of glasses.
"Oh, my God!," said Donna. "The brainy specs! Him, too?"
Ten nodded, grinning.
An alarm sounded.
Five looked frantically back at the controls. "That's an alert. Level five. Indicates a temporal collision. It's like two TARDISes have merged, but there's definitely only one TARDIS present. Looks like two time zones at war in the heart of the TARDIS. That's a paradox. Could blow a hole in the space time continuum the size of..."
Ten pushed the console monitor around for him to see.
"Well, actually, the exact size of Belgium. That's a bit undramatic, isn't? Belgium?"
Ten pulled the sonic screwdriver out. "Need this?"
"No."
"Oh, that's right, you mostly went hands free didn't you? It's like 'Hey, I'm the Doctor, I can save the universe with a kettle and some string, and look at me, I'm wearing a vegetable!'"
Five glared at Ten closer. "Who are you?"
"Take a look."
"Oh... oh no."
"Oh yes."
"You're... oh no, you're…"
"Here it comes, yep, yep I am."
"A fan!," Five practically spat. He turned to the console as it began beeping again.
Donna shook her head. "Hard to believe you even have fans."
"Then what are you?," asked Five.
"Well, I'm your-"
Donna suddenly found Ten's hand over her mouth. "She's a fan."
She scowled at him and he finally released his hand.
"Level ten now! Two minutes to Belgium!"
"I'm you," said Ten.
"Okay, you're my biggest fan. Look, it's perfectly understandable. I go zooming around space and time, saving planets, fighting monsters and being, well, let's be honest, pretty sort of marvelous..."
Ten grinned as Donna rolled her eyes.
"..And naturally every now and then people notice me... start up their little groups. That LINDA lot... are you one of them? How did you get in here?" He brandished a finger at him. "Can't have you lot knowing where I live."
"Listen to me, I'm you! I'm you with a new face." He slapped his own cheeks. "Check out this bone structure Doctor, because one day, you're going to be shaving it."
A bell sounded.
"What is that?," asked Donna.
"The cloister bell," said Five.
"Yep, right on time, that's my cue," said Ten.
They both jumped back at the console and started working.
"In less than a minute we're going to detonate a black hole strong enough to swallow the entire universe!," said Five.
"Yeah, that's my fault, actually; I was rebuilding the TARDIS; forgot to put the shields back up, just a bit distracting in here. Your TARDIS and my TARDIS... well the same TARDIS, different points in its own time steam collided and, oop, there you go, end of the universe, butterfingers. But don't worry, I know exactly how this all works out. Venting the thermal buffer, flooring the Helmic regulator, and just to finish off, let's fry those Zeiton crystals."
"You'll blow up the TARDIS!," said Five.
"It's the only way," said Ten.
"Who told you that?"
"You did!"
Ten pulled the final control.
"Supernova and black hole at the exact same instant!," said Five.
"Explosion cancels out implosion."
"Matter remains constant."
"Brilliant!"
"Far too brilliant. I've never met anyone else who could fly the TARDIS like that."
"Sorry, mate, you still haven't."
"You didn't have time to work all that out, even I couldn't do it."
"I didn't work it out, I didn't have to."
"You remembered."
"Because you will remember"
"You remembered being me, watching you, doing that. You already knew what to do because I watched you do it."
"Wibbley wobbley…"
"Timey whimey!," they shouted in gleeful unison.
Donna shook her head after taking this all in. "God, I have never heard a man who enjoys talking to himself so much." Another alarm sounded.
"Oh, no, TARDISes separating," said Ten. "Sorry, Doctor, time's up, back to long ago... Where are you now? Nyssa and Tegan, Cybermen and Mara and Time Lords in funny hats and the Master? Oh he just showed up again, same as ever."
"Has he still got that rubbish beard?," asked Five.
"Had a wife," said Donna.
Both men stopped and looked at her.
"Oh," said Donna, "so we're still not talking about that?"
Five began to fade. "Oh, I seem to be off. What can I say? Thank you... Doctor."
"Thank you," said Ten.
He faded completely, then Ten flipped a switch and he reappeared.
Ten handed Five his hat. "You know... I loved being you. Back when I first started, at the very beginning, I was always trying to be old and grumpy and important, like you do when you're young. And then I was you... and it was all dashing about and playing cricket and my voice going all squeaky when I shouted... I still do that! The voice thing, I got that from you. Oh!" He put his foot on the console as Donna smiled. "And the trainers and..." He reached in his pocket, pulled out his glasses and put them on. "Snap! Because you know what, Doctor? You were my Doctor."
Five smiled and tipped his hat. "To days to come."
The Doctor bowed his head slightly. "All my love to long ago."
Five faded away and Donna approached her Doctor by the console.
Ten looked at Donna. "Do you think I could pull off celery?"
"No," said Donna.
"Oh, come on! Let me try!"
"What do you need celery on your lapel for?"
"Snack. Decoration. Detoxification."
Five's voice came out of nowhere. "Oh, Doctor, don't forget to put up your shields!"
"What's he mean put up your shields?," Donna asked as he flipped another lever.
Just then, they heard a foghorn and looked up in shock as a huge ship crashed into the console room. The Doctor looked to see that a life preserver had fallen onto the metal floor. He walked over and picked it up.
"What the hell just happened?!," asked Donna.
"Well..." said the Doctor.
Donna walked over and looked at the life preserver.
S.S. Titanic.
"No," said Donna.
"We-"
"No!"
"Donna, we don't even know what-"
"No!"
Next Time: Voyage of the Damned
