A/N: This chapter came pouring out of me today at lunch so it is rather long. Don't gt used too it, I don't often type ones in this length, I just wasn't able to end it. I kept adding more and more and, well, you get the idea. Anyway, hope you like it. Please read and review.
I do not own Sailor Moon.
Arc 2, chapter 11: Reflecting the Refractions, Part 1
Rei scowled that morning when she awoke. Minako wasn't in her arms. In fact, Minako wasn't even in the room with her anymore. She didn't know why, but that thought infuriated her. She looked at her watch and rolled her eyes. Leaving the safety of the fire room she ventured out back into the city streets. Minako had gone home. She just knew Minako went home. The blond left her again. Alone to fend on her own. Didn't she knew the city wasn't safe? Isn't that what Rei had told her? So why did she leave? It was something that left Rei unsure. She made her way hurriedly. She didn't like being out in the open with so many people around. There was something about it that made her uneasy, and partly angry.
It was a feeling that darkened her core. Her heart throbbed, her chest, it hurt as that of a needle draining all of her blood. Slowly, making her painfully aware of the inward torture. She wished she could mow down each and every person that crossed her path, wanted so dearly to show them what true power was. It floored her. It wasn't right to feel that way. She knew it, and yet... "If you act out with such anger and hate you'll only fail her again." Rei could hear her memory chiding her. She stopped herself in front of a store window looking, trying to find the memory that spoke, finding none. "We are one you and I. If you want to see me, you must now release me." It could read her thoughts now too?
Damn it all to hell.
"Don't speak out." Her memory won out over Rei's own reaction time. "They'll think you to be crazy, incapable of proper thought if you speak out in such a busy area." Rei didn't move, but she wished she could deck that idiot that had been her former persona. "Surely I know you would." Her memory could hear such an angry thought. "You're changing Rei. In order to better fit the role you must undertake. It is not wise to continue this here, keep such a thing in mind." Her memory quieted, but for some odd reason Rei knew it was still in her head. She spat inwardly at her dislike of the situation. "Go home." It was a simplistic order, and one Rei followed.
She didn't much like the outside now anyway. Not right now, not with her memory doing something again. Her steps were less frantic, but continued with unwavering speed. She wanted to be home quickly, she was an analytical soul and she wished explanations. Things that she would never know otherwise. Her mind deliberated about running back in search of Minako. She felt betrayed and stopped looking behind her back. She wanted to be by Minako's side, but she hated the idea that the blond made her so weak. She yearned for her her and yet, Rei prayed inwardly that her pining would fizzle out. "She didn't leave you." It was soft spoken, seemingly filled with regret, likely for actions that couldn't be undone. "You and I need to have a talk, and a woman of Minako's nature doesn't belong around such conversations."
"You mean, someone who gives unconditionally, doesn't belong around murders like us." That was the undertone Rei could catch, and even through clenched teeth she couldn't help but mutter such a replay. She was just that angry at herself. She continued back home, back to the shrine that had always protected her, even if right now it felt as cold and spiteful as these same city streets. Even if she could hear her memory, and wished to yell and scream at it, she didn't make anymore rebukes. At least not out loud for the general passersby.
"It is true." Her memory sighed lightly as Rei walked. "We haven't exactly been what a woman such as Minako needed, however, the history of the past isn't all just visions." Yet, she hadn't felt nearly as troubled as Rei when it came to speaking about such dark sins. "Go into your room." Mars may have preferred the fire room, but Rei wasn't a Martian by lifestyle, not anymore. She had to learn to get over that part of herself. The bed wasn't the Martian way, the house was four walls never to be taken down, and Mars didn't like that. Logically, she knew this was a safe place, but then again, logic and emotions were very different. She scoffed as she made herself part of reality, pulling away from Rei's human form.
Rei flinched in slight pain, who knew having a memory rip away like that could hurt so much? With one hand covering her face, she saw a version of herself standing before her. Mars was just like her dreams, but normal. Unbloodied, and untainted. A bow at her side, a quiver of arrows on her back. Her hair though pulled back lightly, hung loose compared to a tighter ponytail that had graced some of her memories. Garbed as a priestess, Rei know that this part of her wasn't exactly how she would have dressed in the past. She was softer than a warrior, but stance warned all who stood near. She was deadly despite her appearance. "You do not always see things in the form of truth."
"My god." Rei froze, pulled back, running into the wall behind her. That voice was a mirror image of herself, as if she would age into this. If she had been looking into glass after a day of tending the shrine, she could look like this. Especially in a few years. She hadn't the grace, lacked the poise behind that stance, but other than that, it was if this memory was not of such a hateful past. One marred by the gore, proof of inward weakness, this woman was not. "You're..." She couldn't understand. "What happened to the armor...and where is the..." She cut herself off. She didn't want to know where the blood had gone, where the carnage of history was. It hadn't washed away, those older eyes told as much.
Mars for her part just allowed the imploring gaze. She didn't move, instead she waited while Rei scanned her body. Likely, the girl was looking for signs of war, or at the very least death. Mars smiled lightly at that. She knew Rei would find none, and yet still, things simply didn't disappear, both of them knew of the trials, the sins. It wasn't as if you could atone for such crimes, but, it seemed as if Rei couldn't comprehend what she was seeing. It was then Mars allowed her eyes to look into Rei's, truth within lies, that's what the teenage girl had always known. What she should do, in place of what a normal person would have done. "We never really were all that different." Mars started slowly.
"Rei, Our planet was founded by the strongest. Teaming with those proud to be called warriors. My embodiment of that power is yours because of the ruthlessness you have in battle. However, it ends there. You, as you are now, and I, as I was beyond the training of my people...we are normal. Girls not yet women, and not completely ready for the trials placed before us. I was the age you are now when I first took on a transformation, but as your mind shows you, I had been raised for battle long before that. However, there was another part of me, part that you do not share, purely because now you need not understand such a thing." Mars gained what looked to be self loathing then. "Perhaps, if I had understood it, she wouldn't have suffered by my hand."
"You better understand something." Rei muttered again, she was still freaked out. Looking at yourself in a format that wasn't only see through, but also sounded exactly alike tended to do that to a person. She had seen horrific things, but it was perhaps this form, one that was most like herself, that made her shake where she stood. "Are you-" She paused. "Real?" Part of her, likely subconscious, wanted nothing more than to touch what she knew would be little more than a wisp of air. Another part had other ideas. "This isn't happening." She looked down at her body, and then again at the one before her. "No way." It wasn't comprehensible.
The light laughter, while composed, was something that Rei hadn't ever heard from her power before. "It is happening Rei. Like it or not." Lavender eyes found amusement, wishing almost to be able to comfort the human girl, still breathing, still standing without an unearthly glow. "The more we merge, the more you become me, and I become you." Mars advanced slowly then, proving her point and Rei's as she took the girl by the hand. She was a ghost and nothing more. Dead, despite being a more peaceful version of herself. "Rei, when I was younger I was a lot like you. Even in ways that I'd bet you never guessed. We are two beings within one reality. We are very much mirrored copies of ourselves. The only difference is how you choose to live with it."
Mars did seem different. Rei could agree with that. Whatever cause it, Rei wasn't completely sure. She listened as if each word gave her insight, she refused to miss this chance. Rei had always wanted her own memories, but beyond that, she wanted to understand. Needed to do so. "I hate this place." Venerability within anger, It dripped from the word Mars spoke. "I wish I could strike it down. This city, these walls. Such a loathsome and demented place has no right standing on freely formed ground. That is where you and I are different. Rei, my blood wasn't only Martian, my mother...she was from Venus. There were cities much like here, what you live around anyway." They were one in the same in that one unspoken light.
"Did you know her?" Rei felt like she already knew the answer.
"No." The reply was simple if not heavy. "She passed on when I was a small child."
"Grandpa says I look like her." Rei's soft admittance was filled with the turmoil expected.
"Father told me the same." There was that contrast again.
"Do you miss her?" Rei's question left a lot that could be said, but even more that shouldn't be.
"A better question is; do you mourn her." Surely Mars would ask that.
A non committal sound found Rei's voice. "Grandpa raised me. He says I look more and more like mom every day. I just wonder if she would have liked the way my life has turned out. Even if she was alive though, I wouldn't be able to tell her." A bitter laugh found her then. "At least you had the freedom to tell people things. I bet you never lived and entire life lying." Mars took a seat by the wooden table, sitting as one would in Mars. An odd look crossed her face, as if she would have begged to differ, but then she ignored it. Her stance was relaxed. One knee was bent so she could rest her elbow, the other was folded so that her foot was in front of her, close by her torso. It was considered highly normal back on Mars. Then again..."No wonder they called us barbarians." Rei rolled her eyes taking in the posture and the fact that her ghost was chewing some sort of dried meat, it didn't look of this world at all. "Uh, what are you doing?"
"Eating." Mars thought that would have been obvious.
"Why?" Rei didn't much like being confused. "I thought you weren't alive."
Her mouth was full of food, but it didn't seem to matter. "Do you remember eating on Mars?"
"Sort of." Rei nodded, earning a deadpanned look. "I just don't remember what I ate."
"It's the fact you remember eating at all." Taking a metal canister of water, Mars than drank a sip. "Anything you remember I have the ability to do."
Rei didn't have a retort. She just continued looking on in confusion, a sort of odd interest pulling at her features. "Do you need food?" That's what bugged her. The figure shook her head and Rei became even more lost. "Or what about any other things I remember, are they things you need to do?" Again, the figure shook her head.
"I don't need anything. I'm dead." Mars put away the cured meat then, and sat staring at Rei with great care. "Listen, we share a body now, powers and minds will merge into a point, however beyond that, it is as I said. We are different. It's just..." Mars trailed off, it wasn't easy talking about the afterlife. "Being alive gives a person a level of fulfillment, it isn't something the dead get anymore. It's empty. I can eat, but I no longer grow hungry, so food is only enjoyment at best. I do not get parched, so water only feels cold and wet. As such, even if I do eat and drink, I have no mortal body. I don't need to rid myself of body waste as you would." Her hand graced the table, and the stapler nearby.
She wanted, no, she needed to prove a point. Placing one hand in between the metal she used her other hand to press it down. Or, at least, she tried...failing. Instead, her hand, not being of this world, no longer being mortal slid through the item in front of her, resting on her other hand. "Press it." She told Rei. The raven girl looked sickened by that order, and Mars elaborated. "It wouldn't ever hurt me. Rei, I have no concept of pleasure or pain, and thus any wish for contact is emotional only. I can't feel her touch on a physical level anymore, and sex is no more than the understanding of what we had. The emotional bond we still feel we need."
"I remember those dreams." Rei blushed, her eyes hitting the floor. "And I'd rather not."
"Does it embarrass you?" Mars already knew anyway.
"I just don't like dreaming about my best friend like that." Mars nodded, she could understand.
"She doesn't only want friendship." Rei curled into herself further, she didn't want to talk about it.
"I can't, not after what happened." As if something came to mind she blushed further. "Besides, she and...just no."
There were plenty of times Rei had to shower after a particularly graphic dream. She was a virgin, she knew she was...but those dreams, she shuttered, she didn't want to remember what she hadn't already done. She had seen her friend in the hot springs many times, seen her dress, Rei hadn't the need to fantasize, she knew what Minako looked like. She didn't need an imagination, but gods did she wish on more than one occasion that she had remained so innocent, so pure within her mind. "I can't erase some things, and really wish I could." She looked up then, almost annoyed. "It's weird having a friend for years and knowing the two of you slept together." As if her admission became a great burden, she quietly added an afterthought. "Especially when I haven't even touched her."
"You felt it pretty vividly, didn't you." Memories were troubling like that. Mars shook her head at what she knew was teenage innocence winning out over carnal desires. Martians were never so embarrassed over procreation, and never so timid that they hid from it. This girl would gain many suitors as she continued to age, Mars was assured of that. Rei never did seem like the type to have talked about sex before. Not openly, and not freely. "I know only part of what you are going through." Mars felt as if she had to take on the role. She was a protective spirit, her job was to guide this new version of herself. "You hesitate out of feeling overwhelmed. I can understand that, and even respect it. However I can not condone the fact you hide from her only because you what you may end up doing."
"Yeah, well I can't just tell her I have feelings for her either." Rei's words rang true. "Minako's my friend, I care about her. It's just that I'm not ready yet. I can't face her like you want. I can hardly keep a light conversation as it is, not to mention that I haven't ever given her affection, not like what you gave Venus. I don't even know if I would have the gull to do what you did with her." Mars chuckled at the face Rei gave at that. "Some of that borderlines abusive, might I just add."
"When your girl wants kink, you give her kink." If a pillow hadn't been thrown into the ghost's direction, Rei would have seen Mars smirking.
"Ew!" Rei felt like she had to emphasize a point. "She's my friend!"
"This is why you have all of that anger pent up." Mars being passive aggressive? Who knew she could be.
"Did you expect me to be happy?" Rei shot back. "As if."
"Calm down, that wasn't what I meant." Mars knew there wasn't any good way to explain her feelings on the matter. Only bad, and perhaps choppy realities made up all of her expertise on the subject. "It isn't something easily understood by outsiders." She scratched her arm lightly, trying to think of how to put things delicately. "There were many warriors who sought me. I was often chased after by many powerful men bearing gifts of fallen pray. Proof that they could provide for me a family and father strong offspring. Mothers presented my father their sons, asking for an arranged marriage. If father wished it, it is true I would have taken them as a husband. I would have presented myself as a proper Martian wife. On the night we wed, they would have taken me, multiple times, as I would have them. I should have done that, but instead I chose Venus."
Someone had to talk about it. Clearly, Rei wasn't going to be the one to start. "She was always so measured in her actions. Haphazard, yes, but part of her always held that glow. The wish to be better. I never really knew much of my mother, not until I grew older and the real truth spilled out. Venus was part of that truth for me, my mother was a woman of her planet. Rei, you have more freedoms, things I've never had you've been given. I know what you're thinking, "poor little Martian princess, pouring out her life story, like it really makes and difference", but it does Rei. Your life isn't so muddled. You have a real chance this time."
"At what? Hurting someone else?" Why was this girl so guarded?
"You keep torturing yourself and you'll really loose that chance."Mars didn't really have a clue.
"It wasn't like I was given a choice in the matter." Rei sighed. Already giving up it seemed.
"She loves you, you incompetent jackass!" There was the true color of Mars, anger to a fault.
That shut Rei up. All she could do was look on at her fuming image, she was astounded the room hadn't caught fire. After a few very carefully measured breaths, Mars bit back her anger as best as she could. "If you want her, go after her, but if you do, then understand one thing. My instincts are your instincts. My power is your power, and thus, some of my undesirable traits will come out into you. The same will happen with Minako and her powers of Venus. You can't change it. You may get angry, and possessiveness is guaranteed. If you want her, if you so much as go near her, you better make sure as hell that you love her. What's so stupid is the fact that even if you don't admit it, you'll go and be an idiot like you were today. Rushing off to react like a total and complete moron before thinking clearly first!"
"Oh, and you wouldn't have?" Rei felt like she was shouting at herself.
"Not before thinking I wouldn't!" Mars was still the brawn behind them both.
"I don't believe that for a second." Rei just didn't know it, not fully.
"You better.." Mars got quiet then, as if she had used all of her hot air. "You just don't get it."
Rei was stubborn. That was a trait Mars could relate with. As if the Martian held pity for that fact alone, she neared Rei, hugging her. "You can not continue fighting over the emotions you carry. It will only welcome destruction by your own hands. I'm not saying you must court her, all I'm staying is that she hold no ill will towards you, loves you without complaint. Sooner or later you will be a queen once again, in charge of your own people, and that of the kingdom. You will have many duties that will be yours and yours alone. In times of tragedy, you will be forced to stand strong, even when you don't wish to be so. Minako will protect you, regardless of your feelings. If nothing else, you owe her your blade, your fire, and your word. She is yours Rei. Yours to protect."
"What about Usagi?" Mars smiled at the question, but held more pride for the angry rage still burning deep within Rei. "I have her. She is my job, she is who I protect. Her eyes sparkle with such a profound wisdom, and yeah, she's a ditz, but that's why she needs me. Minako doesn't. She's the combat leader. She's in charge." Grasping at straws wasn't going to work, but she still needed to try. Denial was a great fiddle to play, a wonderful instrument to rely on...
Unless, you were fighting a force that already knew such trickery.
"All the more reason." Mars insisted. "She has no one watching out for her. Yes, it is true. The princess does need you. But she has everyone watching her. Looking out for her, protecting her. Who's watching Minako? Who's holding Minako, removing her tears, giving her a smile? Who's protecting her? It is not the job of the princess, it is not the responsibility of the cats that advise you. The job is yours Rei. It is yours because I can no longer hold her, no longer protect her. Venus is my responsibility within this empty void I call afterlife. You are the second in command, however, you must support her, protect her. That is a job you own."
They all had commitments in the past that transcended time. Rei may not have been the only one, but at least hers was a clear cut path, placed out before her on a road paved in gold. Granted, that slope may have been uphill, it was still lavished in riches of the heart and soul, that is, if she was willing to take the chance. Others weren't so lucky. While some were gifted a hard, yet very logical outcome, one of hopeful happiness, others such as Makoto found herself lost. Not for the first time, and seemingly never for the last, she wandered aimlessly through her small apartment. Her mind wasn't on any one thing, but it was clear her companion thought otherwise.
"You really should sit down." Ami's cool and calm demeanor had always been a welcoming change among the normally chaotic group of the Senshi. They were more than friends, less than lovers in an odd light. They could say anything at all, speak freely no matter the topic at hand, and even share the same bed, even if nothing ever came of it. "Makoto?" She knew well enough that the taller girl wouldn't really be paying attention, so she simply returned to her book. Ami wasn't ever the one to pry.
Likely, that was why they spent so much time together. The others often making jokes about their private life. Sexual innuendo's were always aimed at them, and while they could both agree that they did have a sort of special understanding, it never went past platonic feelings, with perhaps, a bit of a childhood crush thrown in on the side. They knew where they stood, respected that distance, that fine line, no matter how minuscule it may have seemed outwardly. That was why it was safe. The tall brunette tumbled onto the sofa, her head resting in Ami's lap as she sighed out in confusion. "I hate that woman." It was spoken with a level of annoyance, but a small part of her voice also held sadness. Loss.
"What did Setsuna do now?" The words were harsh, but were easily softened by the tone Ami used. She was as withdrawn from the situation as she could possibly be, her lack of concern proven when her eyes didn't leave the book. She awaited Makoto's answer, but realized she wasn't going to get one, and remained reading. The apartment had been like this for days, the atmosphere hard to breath in, let alone think rationally. She placed down her hard covered tome, placing it upon the nearby end table. Her eyes squaring off with something no one else could see. "Out. Now would be good."
Mercury did as she had been instructed, pulling away from Ami's body. Standing mutely, awaiting further instruction. While it was true she and Ami often shared words, they didn't often like appearing in front of each other. It was too unworldly, both could agree with that. "I doubt Makoto wants to be around others unlike herself during this occasion. I'd rather you step into the crystal for the time being. It wouldn't do for you to continue to sit around in my head anyway. There are other things you can occupy the free times with."
"I would still be able to hear what you say you know. You'll think it first, remember?" It was easy enough to forget.
"That may be, but, you won't hear Makoto, and right now, she needs the solitude you being here will not offer her." Then again, they were one in the same for a reason.
The power known as Mercury considered that. She nodded, bowing out of the room without a further word to speak. She really had nothing to offer Makoto in this life, no words of wisdom, none of solace. In the past she had been more aloof, and highly eccentric, she knew it. This new girl, it was clear that the people of earth favored love and emotional standing over logical and concise action. Mercury was lost here, and she made no protest, only admitting defeat in matters of the heart. This place, while it held technology, wasn't of her homeland, and she couldn't say she liked it. Be that as it may, it didn't matter anyway. Ami, the shy school girl was the proper holder of the host body. Mercury understood that better than anything else. Her place was to guide Ami, not eaves drop in conversations.
"Are you truly that upset with her?" Ami didn't see the point in holding grudges, all it did was fuel more unwanted emotions and loss of sleep. The stress Makoto put herself through wasn't anything to sneeze at either. When all she heard was a discontented sigh, she began to absentmindedly run her fingers through auburn tresses. They were tangled and matted having spent being stuck underneath a bandanna all day long while her taller friend binge cleaned. The apartment may have been almost spotless, but clearly one very large smudge never seemed to remove itself from the room. Pain, regret, hate, anger, left little more than a womb to harbor infectious malice.
"Yes." It was spoken indignantly, almost calling Ami an idiot with purely her tone.
"She is right you know." Ami meant well.
"Who cares." Makoto knew that...
"I care." But emotions got the better of everyone.
Including Ami. "I'm worried you're taking this a tad bit far." Makoto would have loved to retort with venom, but knew better. Instead she settled for a glare. "Stop that." Even if the warning was placed carefully, Makoto knew that tone. Ami would back her into the wall any day of the week. "Now, I know you, and I know you like to think you've always had control over your life, but we both know how wrong that is." Timid though she may have been, but there was a very distinct reason Makoto trusted the girl more than anyone else. Even with the non threatening upward inflection, it was clear. Ami was done with Makoto's little anger game. Someone had to step in.
"We both know, great." The bite was dripping with pain. Ami rolled her eyes at that. For all the brawn Makoto had, most was bark. Yes, she could beat anything into a bloody pulp if she wanted, but then she was forced to deal with guilt. "She doesn't belong in my life. She's such an idiot, playing role of mother hen when she's the one who had all the stupid cards! She has more power than she cares to admit." She turned to face Ami then, but only burring herself away from view. She didn't want anyone, not even Ami to see her crying.
Never mind that face the girl of blue tresses could feel the tears falling from normally fierce emerald eyes. "What would you like me to do, go over there and slap her for you?" Although it was said in good humor, the reality wasn't lost between either of them. Ami would step in if she felt she had too. Makoto just merely shook her head unwilling to ask for help, but not verbally denying it either. Such was life as a Senshi, forever fighting, never resting. Be it a battling a foe, or even their own souls, it always seemed this way. Unrelenting and in a way unending.
In the back of her mind she chided herself. Why hadn't she noticed? She wasn't sure. There was only one thing she knew. It was time to stop playing house.
TBC~
Like I said, this chapter just kind of poured forth, and took on a life of its own. That's why it got so long. I'm breaking it up into parts since I'm not exactly done with this chapter, but if I made it any longer, who knows when you would see the next update...lol...anyway, please read and review.
