"You can't be serious."
"Why not?"
"A baby?" Lily stared at Severus, dumbfounded. "But I thought… you said…"
"I said I'd be willing to consider it, and I have."
"But…" She shook her head, reaching for her nightgown. "I thought we were talking about someday. In the future, you know, after the war is over. I didn't mean now. This would be the worst time…"
"Why?"
"Because there's a bloody war going on! Because I'm shut up here, and you… everyone thinks you're a traitor! I hate to say that, but you know as well as I do that there are plenty of people out there who'd like to see you dead. Quite a few who'd be happy to kill me, too, I'm sure. We can't know what will happen, don't know whether…"
"Exactly," he interrupted, his voice quiet. "Why wait for the right time when we can't be sure there's ever going to be one? If our lives are as precarious as you suggest, wouldn't it make sense not to put these things off?"
"You sound like a Gryffindor."
"Perhaps. But if I end up dying, it will hardly be a comfort to know that I erred on the side of caution. I imagine I'll spend my last moments regretting all the things I didn't do while I had the chance."
"You're not going to die, Severus."
"You can't know that."
"No," she admitted. "All right, fine. I guess I can understand your reasoning. But a baby? I'm sorry, but I can't see you wanting to have a child that badly. Unless you'd only be doing it for my sake, which I can assure you…"
"I wouldn't be."
"Then why?"
He shook his head. "You'll laugh."
"No, I won't. Promise."
"Very well." He let out a heavy sigh, leaning his head back against the couch. "For multiple reasons, I suppose. To continue my line, as vain as it sounds. To have an heir. Perhaps I'd like a chance to prove that I'm capable of having a family, a luxury I never thought I'd have. And well, there's you… I love you, Lily. Is it really so strange that I might want to have a child with you?"
"Of course not. But right now? Have you thought about what that would mean?"
"Quite thoroughly, I assure you."
"Nine months of pregnancy."
"Obviously," he said dryly.
"Yes, but do you have any idea what that involves? Morning sickness. Mood swings. Crankiness and discomfort, odd cravings at all times of the night. And that's the best case scenario. For all we know, there could be complications. Granted, I didn't have any the first time around, but that was nearly twenty years ago. I'm not as young as I once was."
"You're a witch, Lily, not a Muggle. You could produce healthy children well into your 60s if you chose to do so. That said, yes, I'm well aware of what pregnancy entails. I've read plenty of books on the subject. Potions Masters are required to…"
She snorted. "Reading a book is hardly the same as dealing with it firsthand."
"Perhaps not, but if you're suggesting I wouldn't be able to handle it, I might remind you of any number of unpleasant things I deal with on a daily basis. Somehow, I don't think holding your hair back while you vomit would be half as distasteful as…"
"Fine, but that doesn't answer my other question. What if there were complications? What about actually having the baby? What if something went wrong? What if you weren't even here?"
"House elves."
"What?"
"House elves," he repeated. "Granted, the likelihood of me not being present would be minimal. I'm not summoned that frequently these days, nor am I likely to be gone for more than a couple hours when I am. But even if it did happen at the worst possible moment, you wouldn't be alone. I can assure you of that."
"Okay, but house elves?"
"You might not know this, having been raised in a Muggle household, but house elves are some of the best midwives in the Wizarding world. And as it happens, Hogwarts is full of them. I'm sure that at least a few have the proper training."
Lily frowned. "But I thought you didn't want them to know about me. Isn't that why you won't let them in here?"
"No, that's simply because I value my privacy. It has nothing to do with lack of trust. Those elves are sworn to secrecy, on all matters pertaining to the school or resident headmaster. If I ordered their silence, they couldn't reveal your existence even if they wanted to."
"October," she said quietly.
"What?"
"It's October, isn't it?"
"October 2, actually. Why?"
"Well, if I got pregnant within the next couple months, the baby would be born during the summer. Would we still be at Hogwarts?"
Severus hesitated, looking thoughtful. "Perhaps. Perhaps not. Whatever happens, you'd be in a safe place."
"But if we weren't here, we wouldn't have the house elves. How…"
"Then I'd find you a Muggle midwife. Other than knowing a few spells, they serve the same function, yes? As for the spells, I'm sure I'd be able to manage that myself. As long as I Obliviated her afterwards, I can't imagine there'd be any problems."
Lily raised an eyebrow at him, her lips twitching. "You have it all figured out, don't you?"
"More or less."
"But have you thought about what it would be like to have a baby around? Newborns are exhausting. They fuss and they scream, demand constant attention…"
"I taught Potions for nearly two decades, Lily. Multiply one child by twenty, and you might as well be talking about one of my classes."
"Yes, but how often did your students wake you up at three in the morning?"
"More than you might expect," he said, looking faintly amused.
"And did you change their diapers every few hours," she said sweetly, "or only on occasion?"
He rolled his eyes. "If diapers are the best argument you can give me…"
"No, what I'm trying to say is that taking care of a child is a lot of work. Rewarding, yes, but it can be stressful. With all the other pressure you have to deal with, I just don't see how more responsibility would be a good idea right now. Granted, I'd be fine taking care of most things on my own, but then I'd be tired and distracted, and…"
"First," he interrupted, his expression grave. "Stop worrying about me. If we do this, rest assured that I'll be able to handle it. Second, help is always an option."
"House elves?"
"Indeed. If you needed a break, or I did, that could easily be arranged."
Lily nodded, her resolve weakening.
"Now," he said, taking her hand. "If you're raising these objections because you don't want to have a child, please tell me. Say the word and we'll never speak of it again. But if this is only a matter of working around a few obstacles…"
"Severus," she interrupted, only to hesitate, not knowing what to say. Should she lie to him, tell him she wasn't ready? A small part of her insisted that she should, still convinced that it would make things so much harder than they had to be. But another part had already surrendered, eager to go through with it. That was the dominant voice, as insistent as the pangs of longing that shuddered through her at the mere thought of being pregnant.
As long as she'd assumed that he didn't want children, that a baby would make him miserable, she'd been able to stifle that voice. But now?
"I do," she said softly.
"What?"
She cleared her throat, staring down at their joined hands. "I do want it. Very much. It's just the timing that worries me. I already had one baby in the middle of a war, and that was… well, it was terrifying. Being hunted, knowing Harry was a target…"
"Do you regret it?"
"No! No, of course not. I wouldn't trade Harry for the world."
"And what does that tell you?"
"Okay, I see your point, but…"
"Besides, it wouldn't be like that," he said, gazing at her intently. "No prophecy, no betrayal, no surprise attacks. I'd keep you safe, Lily. Haven't I already proven that I'm quite capable of doing so? Even now, you're beyond the Dark Lord's reach. He can't touch you here. As for the war… that is a temporary situation. We know how to defeat him now. Once the Horcruxes are gone, which can't be much longer…"
"But what if we lose?"
"That's not going to happen," he said firmly.
"How can you know that?"
"Because I trust Dumbledore. No, don't interrupt. I know what you're going to say, and in some ways, I agree. Yes, he's withheld quite a few things. Been downright unscrupulous at times. But the one thing I do know is that he wished to see the Dark Lord fall as much as any of us. That is why I put my faith in him… he was the only man with the power to make that happen."
"But he's dead."
Severus didn't flinch. "Yes, but he left others with the power to carry out his plans. Your son. The Order. Me. We will destroy him, Lily, one way or another. I promise you that."
"I believe you," she said, letting out a soft sigh. "But back to the original topic…"
"Our child. Yes."
She smiled. "It's strange to hear you say that."
"I'm sure you'll get used to it."
She hesitated, having saved her biggest concern for last. "What about Harry?"
"What about him?"
"Well, me being with you… that's going to be difficult enough for him to deal with as it is. Wouldn't a baby just make it worse?"
He shrugged. "I don't see how. I'm the one he'll have an issue with, after all, not you or the child. And as I've already told you, I'll do everything in my power to reconcile with him. I'll apologize, I'll…"
"Will you tell him the truth?"
"Truth?" His body tensed, his eyes growing wary. "What do you mean?"
"All of it. That you loved me from the beginning, and that's why you've been protecting him all these years. How you saved me, how much you struggled to bring me back. Everything. If he knew all that, knew how much you'd sacrificed for him – for both of us – I think that would make a world of difference."
"I really don't think…"
"He deserves to know."
"I'm not suggesting he doesn't. But my feelings for you, my reasons… so much of that is private, Lily. Even with you, I find it… difficult to discuss the finer points. However, if you want to tell him, you're free to do so. I can't see where I'd have any right to object."
"No," she said, shaking her head emphatically. "It needs to come from you. He needs to see the goodness in you, Severus, to hear these things from your perspective. Coming from anyone else, I just don't think it would have the same impact."
"But…"
"You want me to have a child with you," she interrupted. "Yes?"
"I do."
"Okay, we can do that," she paused, sucking in a deep breath, "on two conditions."
"Which are?"
"You've already agreed to the first. That you'll do your best to work things out with him, that you'll apologize…"
"And the second?" He prompted, though his expression made it clear that he already knew what was coming.
"That you'll be the one to tell him the truth. Everything."
"And if I say no?" he said quietly. "If I tell you I'm not sure I can do it?"
"Then I'll ask you to go downstairs and make me a potion."
"I see."
"I'm sorry," she said, reaching for his hand again. "I love you, Severus. Truly, I do. But I have to be fair to Harry, too. I wouldn't feel right about having a child with you without doing everything in my power to make it easier on him. If you can't tell him these things, I'm afraid he'll never be able to see you for who you truly are. He won't trust your apologies, he'll just assume…"
"I'll do it."
"What?"
"I'll do it," he repeated, his expression inscrutable. "If it's that important to you, I'll find a way to make it happen."
She frowned. "Are you sure? We could wait, you know. Give it a few months, see what happens. This isn't a decision you have to make right now."
"I've already made it."
For several long moments, she sat silent, trying to absorb the enormity of what was happening. He truly wanted a baby? It still seemed unreal, his urgency the most bewildering part of all. And yet she couldn't deny his sincerity… he would've never fought so hard or promised so much if he hadn't been absolutely certain that this was what he wanted.
"Lily?"
"Okay," she said softly. "Let's do it."
Severus led Lily to the bedroom, making love to her for the second time that night before she fell asleep in his arms. By then, it was nearly four in the morning, only a couple hours before he needed to be up for work. Well, no matter. He didn't feel the least bit tired, could've easily gotten up and prowled the castle until sunrise if he'd chosen to do so. It was only the warmth of her lying beside him that made him content to stay in bed, her breath caressing his shoulder as he buried his face in her hair.
She'd agreed to have a child. Not that he was surprised – he'd recognized the longing in her eyes even as she'd argued against the idea. She'd objected for his sake rather than her own, unmistakable relief in her expression each time he'd put one of her concerns to rest.
Nonetheless, she had a point. He had no idea what he was getting into, couldn't imagine her pregnant let alone giving birth to a child. And dealing with a newborn… when it came to that, he was clueless, didn't know a thing about feedings or diaper changes. Of course, there was a fair chance he'd be dead by then, would have no need to worry about such things. But just in case, perhaps it would be good to do a little research, just to be sure he was fully prepared. After all, if he did survive long enough to see the child born, he'd hardly expect Lily to handle everything on her own.
At the very least, he needed to learn more about pregnancy. While he had a fair understanding of the basics, he had to admit there was a lot he didn't know. Potions for morning sickness, safe concoctions to handle aches and pains and insomnia… he could easily supply her with those. But understanding her other needs, knowing what to expect at various stages? That was another matter entirely.
Lily let out a soft moan, interrupting his thoughts as she flipped onto her back. Unable to help himself, he slid a hand beneath the covers, laying it across her bare stomach. It was as flat as his own, but for how much longer? For all he knew, she might have conceived already, her body starting to change within a matter of weeks.
The thought filled him with panic, making him question all over again whether he was doing the right thing. Could he handle this? Could she? What if it only made matters worse?
Granted, he still believed this was the best way to protect her, that giving her another child could make all the difference in the world. But what if something went wrong? What if he could no longer guarantee she'd have a safe haven, or worse, what if she lost the baby? The possibility of miscarriage hadn't even occurred to him before, but wasn't it fairly common?
And then a memory from his own childhood tickled at his subconscious, one he hadn't thought about in years. He couldn't have been more than five or six, but he could still picture his mother's slightly rounded belly, her eyes shining as she'd told him that the doctors had been wrong, that he was going to have a little brother or sister. But soon thereafter, he remembered spots of blood on the carpet, the sound of low pitched sobs from behind the bedroom door. He hadn't seen his mother for days until at last, she'd emerged with red rimmed eyes, never speaking a word as she'd shuffled to the kitchen to fix herself a drink.
"What happened to your tummy?"
That had been the only time she'd ever struck him, a stinging slap that sent him crashing to the floor.
"Never speak of it again," she'd told him, snatching up the bottle and heading back to the bedroom.
That had been when the drinking started, when he'd learned to stop hoping for even the occasional smile. She'd never been the same after that, her eyes growing ever more distant until the day he'd realized she'd become a stranger. Not harsh or cruel like his father, more like a ghost of who'd she'd once been, staring out windows with a vacant expression as if she simply didn't want to be there anymore.
"Shit," he muttered, wondering if it was too late to change his mind. But he already knew the answer to that, knew he didn't have it in him to extinguish that joyful light he'd seen in Lily's eyes. No choice now but to go through with it and hope for the best.
And perhaps after all, it was too late for him, too. As absurd as it seemed, the idea was growing on him, for reasons he couldn't begin to understand. Protecting Lily, leaving her with a part of himself? Yes, that made sense. But it was something more than that, too, a strange, possessive instinct that had overtaken him when he'd been making love to her just a little while before. Suddenly, nothing had aroused him more than the thought of getting her pregnant, driving him over the edge as he'd released himself inside her. Not just for pleasure this time, but something much more significant, visceral and primal, and…
Well, he didn't know what it was. But it had been clear to him in that moment that he didn't hate the idea, that there was a certain appeal in creating a child, regardless of circumstance. Not something he was ready to explore too deeply just yet, but it was there.
Gradually, the room began to lighten, reminding him that he didn't have the luxury of staying in bed all day. Kissing Lily gently on the forehead, he heaved himself out of bed, grabbing fresh robes as he headed for the shower. Odd how different the world seemed as he stepped out into his office, as if his perception of reality would never be quite the same. For the first time in his life, it felt like anything was possible, that all he had to do was reach out and take it.
The impression had faded by the time he finished his second cup of coffee, gone entirely by lunchtime. And yet in its place was something equally pleasing… the realization that for once, he was looking forward to what the future might hold.
Well, some of it, at least.
