May 22nd, 2010
Dear Diary,
So I didn't ask out Max.
Or the day after, or even the day after that. But I'll ask her out TOMORROW (UNLEASH THE POWER OF BOLD CAPITALS), I swear. No matter what happens, I'm going to ask out Max. Unless the world ends or something. Now that would suck.
But this is going to be a short entry – it's not about Max and it's not about me. It's about my Mom.
It's two in the morning and Gazzy is snoring and I'm so tired I'm about to conk out, but I just had a great experience. (Even though it's technically the twenty-third, it doesn't officially feel like that, which explains the date.) And you're the only one I can straight up talk to.
About an hour ago, I woke up. There hadn't been any reason…my mind just snapped awake. I knew that for some strange reason, I needed to get out of bed. It was as if some gut reaction made me do it. And I did.
I decided to eat some leftover Bacon, because if Bacon can't solve your problems, then you're screwed. I decided it was just insomnia, but as I treaded down into the shadowy kitchen, I saw a silhouette illuminated on the couch.
"Hey," I said softly, not sure who was there. To my surprise, my Mom turned around to face me. Her face lightened up the dark room.
"Fang! Come sit with me," she said in a low tone, gesturing to the couch. I wasn't sure what to do; was it normal for mothers and sons to talk in the middle of the night? The normalness factor was off my radar.
Slowly, I went over to the family room and sat beside her. "So what are you doing up?" she asked kindly. I could see her surprised by the fact that I wore regular clothes to bed.
"I couldn't sleep. You?"
"The same."
Silence. Silence. More silence. Let's throw some more silence in there.
She grabbed my hands, and I could feel raw emotion in the grasp. It was a harsh contrast from the small talk only moments earlier. "You know that if I knew you were alive, I would have done everything – everything - in my power to find you, right? I thought you were dead, Alex. I was torn apart. I wanted to die because you are my life. But I lived, and I lived for you and because of you." There were tears in her eyes, but they weren't falling.
She continued on, not looking at me. "I can't believe I haven't done more with you since I've gotten here. But I can't come to grips with the fact that you might… die so soon after I found you. That's why I've thrown myself into the search for Dr. M." There was a soft smile on her lips, as if she'd been waiting years for this.
"Alex, I missed almost sixteen years of your life… I don't want to miss any more."
She drew designs on my hand with her nail. The light coming from the streetlights outside let me see the absolute pain on her face that made a lump in my throat.
"Luckily… I recently had access to Itex's technology. I didn't know where you were, but I knew you could dream, and I used that to talk with you… I never thought I'd actually find you. Once I knew you were alive, I searched every day, but I never would have found you without y- without Jeb…" She paused for about a minute, but it wasn't uncomfortable. The opposite, actually. "Do you remember the waltz I taught you? The first time we talked?"
"I'll never forget it," I said honestly. For the first time, I didn't have any emotional guards. My Mom wouldn't judge me.
She slowly stood up, taking me with her. She stood facing me in the middle of the family room, although she had to kick a few sweaters out of the way in order to make room. She placed my hands in the correct position, and leisurely, we began to dance to the sound of silence.
Her breath suddenly caught in her throat. "Alex…it's one in the morning. It's your sixteenth birthday."
I smiled. "Wow. You're right."
We kept on dancing as if there hadn't been an interruption. It was nothing complicated, like before, when I was in the dream-world. This was slow and unhurried and sweet. It was a dance that was for the past, present, and future. And the sad thing is I'm not even trying to be poetic or sound like an Owl City song.
We must've danced for at least ten minutes, but it felt like one fleeting instant.
Eventually, Mom pulled back from me. "I love you so much, Alex. We'll win, don't worry." She kissed me on the cheek. "Now don't you need to get your beauty sleep?"
"Yes, Mom," I said petulantly, and my heart leapt at the chance to say that. With one last hug, I walked back down the hall, feeling more complete than in my entire life.
I snuck past discarded clothes and disabled explosives once I got into my room. Safely in bed, I took a moment to look – just look at my life. And you know what? I have a house. I have food. I have friends and I have a family. Most people in the world probably can't say all that.
Sometimes all you need is perspective.
-Fang
