A/N: Thank you my beloved fans! Mandyg67, Patsy, Hasi2012, the many guests who commented, MerDerFan07, and dustoftheuniverse… as well as the countless people who've faved, followed, and viewed this story… It's been two and a half years since I first published, and I can't really believe I'm still writing…

You all keep me going!

Enjoy! *Note M Rating at end of this Chap!*

We've all hit that point of exhaustion, the point where nothing makes sense anymore. Your body hurts, your brain becomes foggy and you feel like you're trapped in a tunnel. When all you want is your bed. So… how do you keep going? How do you not just sit down and give up? Sometimes it's easy, sometimes you play games in your head. You make up someone. Someone good. Whatever you need, to keep you going.

Meredith

"Hey," he said, smiling at me. His jet black hair stuck out from under his ferry boat scrub cap and curled around his ears while he leaned over the railing. Even in his blue scrubs, he still looked sexy.

I half turned to him, unable to stop the smile on my face. "Hi," I said. The cool wind seeped through my sweater, and I wrapped my arms a little tighter to hold in the heat. If he would just come a little closer…

"Classic Seattle weather," he commented, looking up at the cinereal sky.

"Yeah," I followed his gaze to the dappled ashen clouds above that seemed to enjoy spitting rain oh so lightly on our noses, hair, and cheeks.

"We should do this more often, ride the ferryboats, I mean," he said, and his eyes glimmered, with… a certain something that left me wanting and my body rushing with excitement.

Another smile quirked my lips, "What's your deal with ferryboats anyway?" I asked him, fiddling with my fingertips.

But then he was closer. I felt his breath on my cheeks, the warmth of his fingertips as they slid along my temple. His presence beside me was the sun, fire, life. I closed my eyes.

"-How did they meet?"

I blinked slowly to regard the speaker. A younger woman, slim, with long curly hair was speaking to my friend What's-Her-Face. Where did he go? I thought. Scrubcap man was right here…

But my attention was now on What's-her-face and Whose-it. A few feet away from them, my hands on the wet rails of the ferry, I eavesdropped on the conversation.

"They met here, in Seattle. She was an intern, he was her boss. Our boss." My friend said.

You're my boss.

No, I'm your boss' boss.

You're my teacher and my teacher's teacher. And my teacher!

I'm your sister, I'm your daughter…

Scrubcap man leaned in beside me and held my hand, watching the gulls glide beside the ferry.

He was back. Where had he gone?

"You're Meredith's friend?" asked Whose-It.

"Mere? Yeah, she's… my person… she's… Meredith is…" What's-Her-Face sighed and trailed off.

She was talking about me. I recognized my name in the conversation. What was she going to say?

"Mere… she's a pearl, you know? Like she's got this shell. She's been through so much. But if she opens up to you, if she chooses you," my familiar silver haired friend, my person, shook her head, "I can't really…" she smiled, though. "You get something priceless."

A man approached, he was short and wiry with a tanned face. He handed Whose-It a cup of something. "Thanks, Mark," she said, accepting it.

"So, your friend, Meredith, she's got Alzheimer's?" Mark asked.

Alzheimer's? I scoffed. Scrubcap man kissed my forehead, but I ignored him. I didn't need sympathy.

My person narrowed her eyes at Mark.

He shrugged, "I noticed some of the signs… my mom…" he shrugged. He glanced at me, then looked away. "Sorry," he said.

"Sorry? About what?" Iinterrupted.

"It must be hard, is all," Mark said.

I shook my head. What were they talking about? I didn't have that Alls-thingy. "I don't have Alz- Alts- whatever." I blurted. I mean… I don't, right? I thought nervously as I looked back up at Scrubcap man. "I don't, do I?"

"Hmm," he said, rubbing my back.

"Not helping," I growled, glaring out at the water.

xxx

The water was gone, we were in a car driving along a twisty road. "Where are we going?" I asked.

"Home," Cristina answered like she'd answered the question a hundred times before.

"But… I was home," I said, staring out the window at the trees and greenery that passed us. This wasn't the way home… home was… in the city, back there… home was where?

"Your new home, Mere, the dream house."

Dream house.

It's a classic Victorian design with an open floor plan.

If you don't like, you can tell me. It's your house too.

"I know that. You don't have to be so snarky about it," I said. A vague picture of a large woodsy, spacious home came to mind. The tub deep enough to cover my knees and my boobs.

Cristina remained silent as she drove. I shifted in my seat, feeling the quiet tension between us. I didn't know if I could fix it. I didn't even know where it came from. So, I stared out the window, tracing the light reflection of the woman staring back at me.

"Derek's sure going to be surprised when he sees who we brought," Cristina said finally.

"Who we brought?" I asked. She nodded to the back and I craned to look in the backseat.

"The strays." Cristina introduced.

"Oh," I said, regarding the strangers in the back. A slim woman with long curly brown hair, and a smaller man with a very tanned and lined face. Where did they come from? Who were they? "Hitchhikers?"

Her lips curved slightly, "Yeah, hitchhikers."

Derek

I scrubbed my face, staring at the papers we had spread all over the study. It looked like a bomb went off in here.

We'd dug up a large whiteboard I used to use for teaching. Bailey had set up the projector to his tablet. Rebecca was curled up beside him with Meredith's book. Somehow, the four of us had managed to parse through Meredith's notes in her brain book, as well as use Bailey's extensive knowledge, and Rebecca's research skills. With Amy's help on new surgical techniques and a lot of talk, we'd come up with a hell of a plan.

"Okay," Amy said, holding up her marker. "The treatment for Alzheimer's is two-fold:" She drew a brain with a bunch of black spots on it, amyloid plaques and tangles. "One thing Meredith figured out was the use of ultrasonic waves."

"Right," I replied. "Because one of the difficulties with Alzheimer's medication is that it doesn't always break the blood brain barrier." The blood brain barrier, or BBB as it is called, is the body's way of protecting the blood flow to the brain from harmful toxins. This often meant that the effect of the medication administered orally, or even through IV, was repelled from attaching to the receptors that would accept it. I drew a line inside the margins of the brain. "Ultra sonic waves, however, have been proven to stimulate the neurons and neuro-receptors in the brain, causing this to open the BBB up."

"And once it's open…" Rebecca trailed off, pointing her pen at the book, "The medication will work?"

"Yeah," Bailey answered.

"But it's more than that," I added. "In a normal brain, the body's natural antibodies eat up the excess beta-amyloid, so it doesn't clump up. So, with the BBB more receptive, we can inject specialized antibodies directly into the brain that can begin to target the plaques."

"That's right," Amy drew little stickmen attacking the black marks.

"Once we've cleared these out…" I picked up an eraser and erased the antibodies and the plaques, leaving an empty brain shape.

"Then we can inject stem cells!" Bailey said.

"Er- sort of," said Amy. "We'd use the patient's own, gene-edited cells, and new stem cells to help stimulate the growth of neurons in the brain." A bunch of arrows were drawn all around the brain. She drew new squiggles inside, representing new connections.

"And… hopefully, this will keep the disease out, and leave whatever is left, still intact." I added.

"So… A cure?" Rebecca asked hesitantly.

I couldn't definitively say so. But it was a powerful hypothesis. And… the thing was, according to the data Bailey found, most of these therapies had already been tried on humans. Just not for Alzheimer's. It was the combination of all these therapies together "It's… the closest thing to a cure we can find." I managed, staring at the childish diagram.

The question was, were we too late?

xxx

"Hey," Amy met me on the deck, handing me a mug of black coffee.

"Thanks," I said, cupping the warm red-colored mug. "Cristina texted, she's on her way. Apparently, she's bringing some friends over?" I said.

"Who? Karev?" she asked, stepping up beside me to gaze at the late-morning sky.

I shrugged, "She didn't say."

"Mm," Amy took a sip, staring at the bright sky. "Well, the rain's gone, at least."

"Yeah." We stood there together, taking in the clear blue, brilliant day. The sun had pushed away earlier gray clouds and revealed brilliant blue. The glow of the day cast the usual forest green with a new bright tropical hue. Everything was brighter, fresher, cleaner.

"Derek? Did we just do what I think we did?"

Provide a breakthrough treatment for one of the most devasting diseases in the world? I sipped my coffee, the dark, rich flavor waking me. "Hmm," I sighed, "we did. And Meredith did."

"She did," my sister agreed. "I'm so glad you're back," her voice broke, "We missed you so much… you don't even… you-,"

I didn't wait for her to finish, I just crushed her to me. I knew. "I'm home… Amy, I'm here." I said into her ear.

"Right," she huffed and pulled apart. "Well, I have a lot of work to do, finalizing all this stuff. I have to call the FDA, email half of my professional contacts, and… yeah."

"I just…" I started.

"What?" Amy tucked a hand into her pocket and leaned forward

I shook my head. "Meredith… she amazes me. How did she figure this out?" That book, Anatomy of the Brain. What she'd written in the margins… what she'd scribbled over diagrams, what we'd managed to scrabble together from bits and pieces of her sentences… It had been enough. Enough to formulate a theoretical plan. And she didn't even know it.

Meredith didn't even remember.

My sister drew in a breath, "For one, she never gave up. On you. On her research. On herself. Even when it seemed like she wasn't all here, she kept trying in her own way."

"And two?" I asked.

"You," Amy answered softly, raising her eyebrows.

"Me?"

"I don't exactly know how…" she said, "But, she just kept fighting. To remember you, to keep you alive in her heart, all the time. And somehow, keeping you alive in her head like that kept her going. She didn't want to be so gone that she'd never remember you or her kids."

I tucked my hands into my pockets. "Hm," I said. If there was one thing I knew about my wife, it was that she never gave up.

Amy touched my shoulder and nodded with me before exiting through the patio doors.

Alone now, I stood with my coffee, basking in the sun. It was a beautiful day to cure Alzheimer's.

I just wanted her home, right now.

And I want more. Of this… of us, of…

I want to have more. Let's have more.

The door slammed, "I turn my back for just one second-" Cristina hollered. "Where did she go?"

"What do you mean? You lost her?" I yelled.

"I parked on the driveway. She got out of the car and started to walk to the house. I got out to help unload your friend's luggage-,"

"Friends? Luggage? Cristina, who the hell did you bring here?" We didn't need more people, more distractions… more confusion.

Cristina glowered at me. "Your Canadian buddies… Lynn and Mark."

"What?" I spun around, running a hand through my hair. Lynn and Mark? How did they find me? They must have contacted Chelsey… but… why were they here? Was something wrong? "Where are they?" I glanced behind her.

"They went to look for Mere, of course, which is what we should be doing if you'd stop yelling at me for half a second!"

I gaped. I'd forgotten how tough Cristina was. "You're right…" I sighed, resting my hands on my hips. There wasn't time to waste. "Go check the trailer, if she's not there, come back here and get the kids, they're all around here somewhere. I'm going to look by the lake."

Cristina nodded. "Fine. Okay. I'll call you if I find her."

"Mm-hmm," I hummed, grabbing my windbreaker.

I set off briskly along the path. She couldn't have gone far. "Meredith?" I called, "Meredith!" I had to find her this time.

"Chris? I mean, Derek?"

I stopped in my tracks and looked up. Approaching me down the path was a face I didn't know I missed. "Lynn," I sighed, tilting my head toward her.

"Derek," she said again. "God it feels so weird calling you that. Hi… we um, hadn't heard from you. We were worried. You didn't answer your phone," she shrugged, stepping closer. "I just had to know if you were okay."

I nodded. "I'm okay." I smiled. "You were right, in so many ways… I owe you."

"It's alright, I'm glad," she smiled back. Then her demeaner turned more businesslike. "Which way do you think your wife went?

"I don't know. Could be anywhere." The woods were deceptively large.

"Okay, well, let's search together. Four eyes are better than two."

We walked for a few minutes in silence, except for occasional shout for Meredith.

"Tell me about her," Lynn said abruptly.

"It's a long story," I said, not really wanting to get into it. I just wanted to find Meredith. Make sure she was safe.

"I know… just… she wasn't all there when I met her. The Alzheimer's… I just want to know what she's like. What made you fall in love with her, why you married her."

I raised my brows "That's practically a book you know."

"Indulge me, just the bullet points."

"Okay then…"

2005

"A lot of secret phone calls today," I said, notating Richard's chart after his brain surgery.

Meredith snapped the phone shut. "Yeah," she nearly whispered. "It's my mother." Her What had Meredith and her mother been discussing?

Continuing post-op instructions I waited for some kind of gripe or complaint. I had four sisters. I knew how these conversations went. Ellis Grey was a surgical legend, no doubt she was pressuring Meredith.

Wasn't she traveling or writing a book?

"She isn't traveling, she isn't writing a book," Meredith answered my unasked question.

Was she coming here then? I wondered. What was the problem?

"She isn't anything." My girlfriend's voice broke slightly. "I've been lying to everyone."

What? I nearly dropped my pen, my full attention now on my girlfriend. Surely there had to be a good reason for this. "Why?"

Meredith stared away from me. "She has Alzheimer's," she squeaked out painfully. In that instant, my heart ached with the same kind of pain etched on her face. Alzheimer's? That was a cruel disease.

"How advanced?" I asked softly. Maybe it wasn't too bad. Maybe there was still time.

"Very. She's in a home, and I'm the only one who knows she's sick." Meredith swallowed, "I just don't know what to do anymore, you know?" She let out a breath she'd been holding in, and her shoulders slumped with the weight of the world.

The world around me faded away in that instant and telescoped on Meredith. Suddenly, she was more than my girlfriend or my intern. Meredith chose just now to trust me with her mother's secret. Despite her independent spirit and fortitude, despite all the other people around her, she made a clear decision to tell me this.

Oh, Meredith. I thought as I pushed her wayward bangs aside. I love you.

I wanted to say it. I wanted so badly to blurt those three words out, but all that came out was, "Hmm." I'd been lying too. I was married. Granted, Addison was far, far away right now… but… It wasn't fair to her.

I had to tell her. I couldn't have guilt on my conscience.

Dinner tonight. Rules. I'll tell her about Addison. I'll call my lawyer. Meredith might hate me, but I'll tell her…

I love you.

Now:

"Meredith," I said to Lynn, "I fell in love with her on the first night we met. I just… didn't realize it. All I knew was that I needed her. Before I met her, life was ordinary. I was ordinary, and I didn't even know it.

"Suddenly, there's this funny, vibrant, sexy woman who challenges me on every level. Suddenly I'm not boring. My life isn't the same old routine with the same old people who do the same old things. Suddenly, I'm standing over a brain with a scalpel in my hand, and all I can think about is her lips. Her lips on mine." We stopped in a small clearing. The one where Meredith built her house of candles.

"Wow," Lynn whispered.

"Yeah."

"It wasn't just a fling," she smiled, tucking her hands into her pockets.

"No," I agreed. "Meredith… she…" I drifted back, in time, in memory…

2005

"Well what was I to you?" she asked, staring back with hurting, defiant eyes. "Someone you screw to get over being screwed?"

You're the love of my life. I thought. I love you. But… if I said those words now…

"You were like coming up for air," I said. "Like I was drowning, and you saved me." Meredith was my air.

She shook her head, frowned. "It's not enough."

"I love you," I told her sometime later, in the aftermath of cheap beer, a baseball bat and an engagement ring resting in dew-covered grass.

In the aftermath of failure. Of losing and wanting to quit.

In the aftermath of running, she came looking for me.

"I know," Meredith replied.

I just… I still needed her. I needed her to love me. I needed to know it would be okay. "Would you still love me if I wasn't a surgeon?" I asked, because… if I wasn't, and I didn't have her…

What would be the point?

Meredith's gaze was steady and unblinking as she regarded me in my unkempt state. I swallowed. What did I expect exactly? I shoved all her issues back in her face and rubbed them in like salt on a wound. I tossed her love into the woods with a crack of a baseball bat.

"No," she said with a blink.

The word struck me like a slap in the face and I flinched. That was it then. But this time there would be nobody to blame but me. I lowered my gaze and frowned, my heart sinking with every beat.

Failed. Again.

"No," she repeated, stepping closer to me. She sidled next to me on the deck, resting her bag behind me. "Because Izzie… has skin cancer that spread to her brain. And you're one of about twenty people in the world who can save her. And I don't know if I could respect somebody who could walk away from a gift like that."

Stricken, I brought my gaze back up to meet hers. Stevens had cancer. Izzie. Meredith's roommate, colleague, friend, was sick. Sick enough to need brain surgery. To need me.

"So please don't." Meredith continued.

Jen's botched surgery still flashed through my mind. I was a murderer. How could I go back to the OR? And if I couldn't go back to the OR, how would I get back into Meredith's arms?

"So here are her scans…" The large envelope rustled in her hands. "It's pretty bad," Meredith rasped, tears threatening to coat the rest of her corneas, facial muscles twitching into a frown as she swallowed.

Izzie had cancer. Meredith needed me to be extraordinary.

I loved Meredith. But…

I stared at her. Rent. Wrecked. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Meredith stared back, her expression equally complex. She loved me. I knew she did. I could see it there…

If I quit, would her love really be gone? Like the ring I thoughtlessly smacked into the grass?

I didn't… I couldn't…

For me, there was no future without her in it.

If I walked away from surgery…

Would she walk away from me?

Despairing, I held back my own frown. Meredith sighed, and, for a fraction of a second, she glanced at my lips and leaned forward, as if to kiss me. Then she pulled back. Pressing her lips together, she picked up her bag and stood up. Slowly, she made her way to her jeep, leaving me alone with Izzie's scans.

.

My heart pounded, I felt out of breath. Everything… I could lose it all with just one cut. "I'm not ready," I told her out in the hall, clutching my ferry boat scrubcap.

"Yes, you are," Meredith's gaze was determined.

"No matter what happens in there, I need to know that at least I have you. I need you to say yes. I need to know," I spilled. She was everything, and I couldn't lose her. I never felt so desperate in my life. If I failed-

"I can't say yes," Meredith replied. "Not if agreeing to be with you forever will make it okay if Izzie dies. I can't say yes," she insisted, and it felt like my heart was falling into the abyss. But, "I love you," she said, "You can do this," she added resolutely. "You can do this, I know you can." And then she turned and left me standing alone with my doubts and fear.

I looked down at the scrubcap, folding and unfolding it in my hands. This was it. It was no longer a matter of whether I could or not.

I had to. I must.

I walked back to the scrub room and replaced my trout scrubcap with my ferry boat one. My foot hit the pedal to pump the water out, and I ran my damp hands back under the water and lathered it with soap. With each stroke of the rough brush on my fingers, I tried to wash away my doubts. Tried to be the man Meredith wanted me to be. Tried to be the surgeon I was two years ago when I barged into Seattle with nothing but reputation and ego. The surgeon who solved the medical mystery of Katie Bryce. The surgeon who ran a successful clinical trial, the surgeon who made a man walk. The man who chased after the love of his life.

And with those thoughts in mind, I lifted my hands from the sink, shaking off the water and entered the OR.

"It's a beautiful night to save lives," I said. It was time I faced my fear. It was time to move forward.

"She believed in me," I told Lynn, "When I didn't believe in myself. She pushed me. She didn't comfort me or coddle me, she just… pushed me to become more… become better. It's what we do for each other. We make each other extraordinary."

"That's amazing," Lynn said.

"Yeah," I breathed, stopping to look around. "Meredith! Mere!" I called out. Lynn joined me as we walked briskly along the lake. She couldn't have gone far.

xxx

Meredith:

"So…"Scrubcap man walked beside me as I trotted down the path. "This is where you live?"

I stopped and looked down the path. It was familiar… but was I supposed to turn here? "My house… it's right- it was…"

It's not here.

I was gonna tell you that this here, is our kitchen. And this is our living room. And that's the room where our kids could play.

I had this thing, 'I was gonna build us a house.' But I don't build houses. I'm a surgeon.

And now I'm here, feeling like a lame-ass loser.

"I…" It was right here. But here was an empty field, surrounded by trees. Where was the house?

"Here?" he walked into the field.

But, maybe… I pivoted. Was it that way? "It's here somewhere," I muttered, and stepped off the path.

Years ago:

Derek slept soundly beside me, his casted hand propped up on a pillow. I closed my eyes, exhaled…

Sparks of light flashed. Arizona screamed. "

Keep it together!" Cristina yelled in my face.

Mark gasped and clutched his chest before collapsing to the ground.

Lexie banged the side of the plane and choked up blood.

"Derek? Derek!" I called out, but the whole forest was black and I couldn't see him. I lit a match and stared into the woods. "Derek! Please!" But the wind blew the light out. "No! no, no no! Derek!"

"Derek's dead," A broken Lexie said. "And you're too late to save me…"

"Meredith! Meredith!" the ground was shaking, I blinked but I couldn't see anything.

"Derek!" I shrieked in the darkness. Where was he?

"Meredith! Wake up! You're dreaming!" Derek's voice cut through the forest, like it was coming from the sky… or… I blinked, light flooded my vision…

Derek's concerned face loomed over me. "Hey," his fingers ran through my hair, and he cupped my cheek with his good hand. "It's all right. It was a nightmare. You're okay. We're okay."

I wasn't in the woods. I was home.

"Oh," I panted, leaning into him for heat. "It was so dark… and cold," I shivered.

"Shh," he said, kissing me. "Come here, I'll warm you up."

I turned, and we lay on our sides, facing each other. He kissed me again, and I met his lips with mine before he could pull away. I slipped my hand under his t-shirt to feel his warm chest.

Everybody leaves… everybody dies…

I kissed him harder. I needed him. I trailed kisses down his neck, to his trapezius, where I lingered, as my left hand rested on his inner thigh and stroked.

"Meredith," Derek panted as I tugged at his shirt.

"I need you," I said. I needed him to take me away from this. Make the nightmares stop. Make the cold go away. Keep Lexie's cold dead eyes from staring at me. I almost… I almost lost him in the woods.

His gaze was stormy and full of passion. He swallowed thickly before taking off his shirt. Then he slipped off mine. "I need you too," he said.

I lost so much in this life, but I hadn't lost him. We were still alive, surviving in this insane universe. And we were still together. So we lingered in each other's space and pressed close, skin on skin, breathing with each other, for each other.

We lingered in love, in loving, in lavishing. I drew Derek inside me, and he took me, and I became lost again… in him. Which was the only place I wanted to be.

xxx

"Derek?" I called out along the lake. "Derek? Derek!" Where had he gone? He was right there…

Cristina, I think Derek is dead. He would've come for us, he definitely would've come for us by now. I think he's dead. And Lexie's dead! My husband and my sister are both dead! And we are going to die out here too!

The wind rustled the leaves, and the sky darkened. Was it me or was it getting colder? Where was he? Panic flooded, and my heartbeat sped up. "Derek? Derek!"

I can live without you. But I don't want to. I don't ever want to.

Where was he? I had to find him. I had to tell him I loved him. I needed him.

I think when you have someone in your life you really love, I just… I don't know … I'm really happy.

What happened to you?

Without him, I was…

I'm not gonna be that woman. The one who breaks up a marriage or begs you to want me.

Without Derek, I was lost.

I lied. I'm not 'out' of this relationship. I'm in. I'm so in, because here I am, begging-

"Meredith!"

You say Meredith and I yell, remember?

"Meredith?"

I heard him.

I heard your voice, I thought I was dreaming.

From out of the woods, I saw him. "Derek," I breathed. "Oh, thank God."

"Jeez," he said as he approached. "You can't do that, Mere, you can't just-,"

"-I'm sorry," I responded. "I was… just… I got lost." Unable to help it, I ran to him.

His strong arms surrounded me. He pulled me into him and squeezed. "Meredith," he breathed over my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… I went to find the house, and then I lost you and then…" Fog. White space. Blurs. My mind pulled up blank. "I don't know!"

"Mm-mmm" he hummed as I cried. "It's okay. We're okay," he rubbed my back gently.

I felt like I had no control over myself. Stuff burbled up. I couldn't stop everything I'd tried to keep in. Old and new. The old memories were just as fresh as the new ones, and they trampled over me all at once. Loss, abandonment, and just plain fear captured my mind and squeezed my heart. "DerekIcan'tloseyouIloveyoupleasedon'tleaveme…" I sobbed again into his chest. "Everybody leaves… or dies… or-or-or…."

"Shhh."

"You were gone! I lost you and you were gone, and then…" Then I was gone. "I got sick. And I'm so scared I'll forget you-,"

"Mere, look at me!" He forced my chin up as I sniveled and sobbed. "I'm right here," he said. "I found you. I found you Meredith, and I'm not leaving you."

"You're not?"

He gave me that look. His look. IloveyouandIneedyouandyou'reeverything. His heavy gaze rested on my lips a second before his mouth crashed into mine, and he kissed me deeply, his tongue pushing through my barriers and painting the roof of my mouth. All-consuming, pure passion. Like I was drowning and he saved me. Pulling away to catch his breath, he brushed my bangs out of my eyes. Panting too, I traced his swollen lips with my fingers. "Let's go home," he said, kissing them.

xxx

Derek

I took her hand in mine and led her back to the path. "I found her," I told Lynn when she met up with me a few yards down.

"Oh, good!" she exclaimed as she walked with us.

Meredith clung to me in a daze, her hand squeezed mine as I dragged her from the path to the house. It struck me then, at that moment, that what Meredith experienced had been absolutely real to her. It really was like I'd been lost, or that I'd died. For a few minutes, Meredith had actually believed that I was truly gone forever from her life. I pulled her hand up closer and squeezed it.

"Everything okay?" Amy and Cristina met me at the door to the house.

"Yeah," I said, meeting Meredith's lips for another kiss. "We're good. Call off the search party."

"Thank God," Cristina said, reaching for her phone.

"Derek," Amy said, "I have some news-,"

"Later," I said. "I need to be with my wife." Or rather, she needed me.

"What about-,"

"I don't care," I said, and Meredith giggled. Why I don't know. "Order pizza, put on a movie…" I trailed off as I pushed past them to get inside.

I needed to be with my wife.

Meredith giggled again as I pulled her down the hall, into our room and closed the door. I missed it so much, her giggle.

I turned to face her.

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Hi," I replied. "I love you."

Her eyes watered, "I love you too."

"You scared me. You can't run away like that. I just found you again." I reached over to take her hands in mine.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking down.

"Shh," I stepped closer, "Just kiss me." Kiss me, and let me take you away, I thought. Her lips brushed mine, for a second, soft and velvet. Then her hands cupped my cheeks and she pulled me in, attacking me with fierce passion. I couldn't think straight as she plundered and pillaged and demanded. "Meredith," I murmured when we finally breathed.

Her pupils dilated, she panted as her hands ran down to my shoulders to shed my jacket off. I did the same, pivoting with her as I moved us to the bed. Soft, slim fingers rubbed against my sternum and then under my shirt to circle my nipples.

I smoothly furnished kisses down her neck, to that point on her shoulder she loved so much. The buttons loosened on my shirt, and the cooler air gave me goosebumps. I pulled off her sweater. Her alabaster skin underneath hadn't changed, it was still so soft and supple, pliant and warm under my caress.

"Ohh," Meredith sighed with longing. I tugged off her loose slacks and my own jeans, my gaze burning for her. Head to toe, I covered her with vibrant kisses. I pushed her back down on the bed. "Derek?" she asked.

Smirking, I ran my hands down her body, caressing and massaging. As my palms reached her inner thighs, I got on my knees at the end of the bed.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, realizing what I was about to do.

First with my fingers, then my breath, then my lips and tongue, I tasted her. All of her. Reaching up, I cupped her breasts and swirled my thumbs until her nipples became tight peaks. And still, I cleaved her lower lips until her legs shook, and her tight gasps became long panting moans.

I told you I wanted to marry you. That I wanted to build a life, and a house with you. And you weren't ready.

You don't want to build a life with me. You want someone. You want someone that wants the same things you want.

I got all whole and healed, and you don't show up. It's ruined because you took so long. And I couldn't even find that bottle of champagne.

"I love you," I said as I came up for air and reached to twine my fingers through hers.

xxx

Meredith.

"I love you," he said as he leaned over me, entwining his fingers with mine. My body was flushed from his loving work, and my heart thundered a thousand beats a minute as I stared at him with stars in my vision.

I may not be enough for you, but I'm trying here. So, I don't want you to date anybody but me. That's it. Except, I'm scared as hell to want you. But here I am wanting you anyway. And fear means I have something to lose, right?

This is the happy ever after part, and in the happy every after part, the guy is there, all the time, saying things.

Just for the record, I am your knight in shining whatever.

This man, in my bed, I loved him. I didn't know how it happened or when… as it was difficult to reach into the muddiness of my mind and grip something real and solid… but the way he looked at me, the way he touched me… the way he gave… and the way I let him…

He loved me.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and drew him closer. I lost him at some point, maybe more than once. But he found me. That, I remembered. And… that I loved him.

Somehow, I couldn't forget that.

I drew back and shifted on the bed, so I lay on top. He was hot. Sexy. Warm. His smile was vivacious. I kissed it. Then his neck, chest, nipple. I rubbed his chest, my fingers slipping through the little triangle of hair between his pecs.

Derek!

You don't get to die on me!

He'd been shot. I remembered that. I kissed the faint white line on his sternum. "Hmm," he purred as I sat up, straddling his torso. He'd been shot, and I almost lost him, but he was still here.

I still remembered how he liked to be loved. I kissed him lower and lower. I licked his navel and cupped him through his boxers. His eyelids drooped as I stroked. I pulled his boxers down, and he slithered out of them and kicked them aside.

"Meredith," he panted, almost rolling the 'r' in my name.

"I love you too," I said, and dipped my body down lower and began to stroke him. When his breath hitched and his pelvis jerked, I dipped lower and kissed the tip of him.

"Ooh," He sighed as he watched. I kissed and licked, and loved him there, my lower body thrumming as I watched his excitement grow, his cheeks flush, his irises darken. He ravished my breasts with his lips while I cupped and prepared him for entrance.

And then I let him in.

I started to rock, but his hands stilled me. "Meredith."

"What?" My hands rested on his.

"When I was gone… I lost my memory. I couldn't remember you, or our kids, or anything about myself." He picked up my hand and brought it to his lips. "I didn't remember anything."

"Oh," my heart dropped. I didn't know what that meant, what I was supposed to do. "I'm sorry," I replied finally, squeezing him inside me.

"Mm," he hummed. "But…" He rocked his hips, jolting me. "I dreamed of you."

"What?" I gasped, rolling with him, as his hands slid down to my knees.

"I saw you in my dreams, all the time. I didn't know who you were," he gasped as I rocked. "But you were someone good.

Someone good.

"And you believed in me. Every time I closed my eyes in doubt, you were always there, fighting for me." He thrust into me. I rode with him.

I remained silent, thinking. There was nothing for me to say to that. Tears welled in my eyes. He loved me so much… he loved me and I…

I gave up.

"Mere?" He asked

"It's nothing!" I shook my head and continued the rhythm.

"It's not…nothing," he said, pressing harder up into me. "What is it?" He sat up and wrapped his arms around me.

I tried to resist at first, but his embrace and his fragrance and his stubble…

Him.

He stopped me, so I just sniffled into his shoulder. "I gave up!" I said. "I stopped looking… and I stopped fighting, and then I got sick, and… I just… wanted, I wanted… to slip away, just disappear! How can you still love me? I gave up on you and the kids, and my research…"

He kissed my breast, my chin, my lips. He rocked up into me, he pressed me against him. "No, you didn't." he smiled back. "You didn't."

"How do you know?" I panted, with anger or arousal or confusion I didn't know.

He rolled me onto my back and lay between my legs, adjusting himself inside me. "Just let me love you, and you'll see…"

"I'll see? Ohh" I squirmed under his weight. His right hand caught mine above my shoulder and his left caressed my breast as he thrust and rocked and rolled into me.

I didn't understand. I gave up. I couldn't fight… I didn't want to fight anymore, it was exhausting.

Derek's fingers and tongue drove me to shivers, I closed my eyes and tightened around him. I loved him… I loved him and I…

What was that? On the nightstand. That picture. I remembered that picture. Zola's graduation. But I broke it. It fell in the den. That was what broke. The frame. Derek and I were caught kissing, happy. In the background, graduation caps fell around us, but we were in our little world.

"Der-rek!" The bed bounced with his weight, his movement, as I stared wildly at him. Oh God, oh God… my pulse raced and warmth blossomed in me while Derek held on for the ride. There were days when I dreamed of him. There were days when... I felt like he was right there, right in front of me, his eyes pleading, begging...

He wasn't gone.

He'd been right there. I'd made him up. In my head. To get me through. To fight.

He still believes in true love and soulmates. He's waiting for you... And if you don't come back from this, you will change who he is.

I let go. For a second... just for a second, I let go, but-

"Derek," I whimpered, drawing myself up to kiss him, to connect, get back on the same level. "I thought…" I panted and wrapped my legs around his back. "I thought I lost you."

"I know," he said, changing position, so he was more beside me than on top. His hand slid over my abdomen, lower, and lower where his fingers danced inside my vee.

"But you… were… there," I moaned, kissing him.

"I thought you lost me…" He replied, before licking a nipple.

"No," I arched my back, curled a toe, God, this felt so good! He made me feel so good! "In my head. You…"

We're going to fix it.

"No freaking way..." I said as a realization occurred to me. "Derek! Oh God!" I shuddered under his tantilizing touch.

Halitosis!

Hey, I just brushed my teeth!

Something clicked. Like Déjà vu, I saw my reflection in his magical blues… and something… just…

"What?" Derek asked, catching his breath.

"Shut up!" I rolled on top of him once more. "You! I… It was you!"

I pulled a book off the shelf. Where was it? I wrote it down… I wrote it. Help me, Derek, I said, flipping the book open. The answer. The cure. It was here. I wrote it.

Are you willing to take the risk? Dr. McDreamy stroked his chin thoughtfully.

Are you? I asked back.

There is a way, to do the impossible, to survive the unsurvivable, there's always a way. He kissed me lightly on the lips. You and I have that in common. We're inspired. We inspire each other.

I took his hand in mine, marveling at the dexterity, the flexibility of the tendons and muscles underneath. We can do this?

We can do this. He smiled back.

Under me, Derek grunted. He wrapped an arm around my waist and rolled, pinning me under him. He pulled my legs up and drove deep within me. Derek's fingertips slid over my sweaty temple. "You did it, Meredith. You never gave up. You just forgot. But you did it. You found a cure."

"You inspired me," I said. "I came back for you."

"You did," He nodded. "Now… come for me again."

There was no need for talking anymore. He moved against me, passionate and slow, then like a tempest, I was swept up into the furor of his lovemaking as he rocked my being.

The bed squeaked and shook, and I clutched the sheets maniacally before he thrust me into the stratosphere. Into space, nothingness… where nothing mattered. Except him. The way he made my heart pound and my insides peel with flame. The way he lit up my life, made me feel everything so much deeper. The way he made things matter. Lost in him, I was his everything.

And he was the piece of me that I would never lose. I knew that now. I knew…

He kept me going.

"Meredith!" He shouted, flooding into me, clutching, me, riding me as I burst with love right along with him. Finished, spent, he curled over me, touching his head to mine. "You're…" he swept hair out of my face.

"Wait," I stopped him, touching his lips. "Derek, I…"

He blinked, waiting.

I reveled in the safety of his arms around me, the sweat on his brow, the blush on his cheeks. "I'm not going to lose you again. It's too much. I love you too much." I said. "And I need you. You keep me going. So…will you, um… I mean…" I cleared my throat as he regarded me softly. "Derek Shepherd, will you marry me?"

A/N: Cause… on paper, Derek's technically dead still. So… Anyway! Please review!