Sid is on his way over, and I've never felt more nervous in my entire life. His voice gave nothing away on the phone, just a clipped "Can I come over?" I've flip-flopped back and forth a hundred times about whether or not he'll say yes. I race impatiently from my bedroom to the front porch and I quickly spot him walking toward my house. He's staring at his feet, what does that mean? He reaches the driveway, and I intend to call out to him, but I can't manage to voice a sound.

"Hi," he says softly.

"Hey," I croak. Sid walks toward me and pulls me into a warm hug. He squeezes me tightly, breathing me in, his nose in my hair, his hands pressing hard into my back.

"Let's sit down," he says calmly. He takes my hand in his and pulls me toward the loveseat on the front porch. "How was New York?"

"Fine," I say anxiously. The wait is killing me, I don't want to talk about New York.

"I missed you," he says with a smile, but it doesn't quite feel genuine.

"Please, Sid." He nods, understanding my plea. He takes a deep breath and runs his hands through his hair.

"Kate, I love you," he starts and tears stream down my face. "Please don't cry," he begs and I see his eyes well up with tears.

"You're saying no, aren't you?" I whimper, looking at him hopefully. Please say yes! Please say yes!

"I'm sorry," he says softly. A tear escapes his hazel eyes and I try desperately not to fall apart completely. "I'm not ready."

I sit back and tuck my knees into my chest, curling myself into a tight ball. I close my eyes, and pray that by some miracle I've imagined this, and he's still walking down our street toward me. I feel his arm curl around me and know there's no escaping it. He's said no.

"Please don't hate me," he begs, his voice cracking on the last word.

"Oh Sid, I don't hate you," I tell him between sobs. "I love you." He pulls me toward him and we stay like that for I don't know how long, seconds? Minutes? Hours? Sid tucks his face into my neck and I feel his tears on my skin.

"So what now?" he asks gently. I lift my face to meet his and heartbreak is written all over it. Neither of us wants to say it I guess, but it needs to be said.

"I have to try Sid," I whisper.

"With Benny?" he sighs deeply, wiping his eyes and looking anywhere but at me.

"No," I say softly. "I don't know what my next step is, but if I don't try I'll regret it."

"But you won't regret this?" he challenges, a sudden flash of anger in his voice.

"Sid, you want a family, just not right now. I have to respect that, but babe," I cry and he winces at the endearment. "I won't be able to give that to you later. This is my one shot. I need to try, and maybe it's better if you're free to find the right woman." The thought makes me physically sick, but it's true.

"Kate you are the right..."

"No," I interrupt. "I mean the woman who will be the mother of your children one day." I look up at Sid and I can't help the sob that escapes when I see the look on his face. He's devastated, but so am I. I wrap my arms around his neck and Sid quickly responds, holding me tight to him. I can feel his lungs struggle for breath and his chest constrict with emotion.

"Is this goodbye?" he asks between sobs.

"I think so," the words barely escape my mouth.

"Please don't hate me," he begs.

"Never," I promise. "Please don't start dating someone else right away."

"Oh Kate, of course not," he kisses my forehead.

"If you change your mind..." I trail off, and he nods slightly.

"I really love you," he says sincerely. "I know I'm your second chance, but you're my first love." My heart breaks at his confession. I stay in his arms until our breathing steadies. My eyes sting from tears, and Sid is no better off. After an eternity of holding each other, desperately clinging to the illusion that nothing has changed, Sid moves to stand. "Here," he says, reaching into his pocket. He produces a brass key and places it in my hand. "For your keyring," he explains.

"But..." I start, not knowing what to say.

"Just in case," he says. "Someday, you never know." He pulls me to my feet and kisses me hard on the lips. I cling to his arms, trying to memorize this feeling, this last kiss.

"I love you," I croak.

"Always," he tells me, wiping tears from his eyes and somehow mustering a smile for me. "If you ever need me, I'm just down the street."

I watch him walk the short distance home, his hands running through his hair, his fingers wiping away tears, and I fall apart completely. Just like that my love, my Sid is now just my neighbor.

The End of Part I

Part II continues under Memories Don't Mean That Much to Me