It was the first day of the new semester

his first day as a second year

he couldn't be more relieved

because the holiday was long

long and painful and insecure and was a hell

he worked three more part time jobs in those days, aside from his previous two

he worked like crazy

he worked like no tomorrow

anything so he could be away from the house

from father

but he couldn't avoid it forever

hell

it was hell

shattered and mended again

shattered and mended again

shattered and mended again

again

again

until the pain was nothing but a dull throb.

But he couldn't be more terrified

because Antonio would be there

his confession back then

"Liar."

he would surely hate him by now

he should be relieved

that way, he wouldn't be scared anymore

and Antonio didn't need to be hurt in the end

hurt and disappointed

hurt

hurt

hurt

ruined

he would ruin him

he would disappoint him.

The first day of the new semester, Matthew noticed

and he was clearly worried

because no matter how hard he tried to pull his collar up,

the handprints on his neck were fresh and new and hadn't faded

because they were there just yesterday

and his back hurt like hell, it was an effort to move around without flinching

knife, knife, knife, sharp like the razor back then

graffiti, ugly ones

red red red.

He had tried to fight back once

so long ago, he couldn't remember clearly

but he remembered that it was pointless

pain pain pain

not lessened, only multiplied.

"Are you okay?" Matthew asked in the second day

it was the second day already

meant he had successfully avoided Antonio for one day

but it meant that he had failed to cover from Matthew

blue purple black red

"You look sick," Violet eyes, gentle, caring, genuine concern. "You should go to the infirmary."

"I'm okay," he said

he forgot to take painkiller this morning

white small pills

cold

you should endure

strong people could endure pain

so he tried to.

His back was in fire, his side ached, his arms and thighs and knees throbbed

but he managed for one day

attending classes

trying to pay attention

assuring Matthew

avoiding Antonio.

The second day in school ended, the bell rang

courtyard art room music room gym were filled

but in emergency stairs he was safe

he had heard that soccer team was practicing today

so there was no way Antonio would find him here.

He made sure the door was closed

and the hallway was empty

before taking off his hoodie

he cursed because his school shirt was stained

red red red blur red on white

it was hot these days and it was hell for his back

burning and throbbing and protesting

he couldn't lean on the wall, but that was okay

at least he got the chance to cool down the throbbing

he didn't want to be home

not now

not forever, he hoped

silently counting on the money he had been saving

wondering if it was enough already to move out

he had three part time jobs now that the school had started

how long would it take to be enough?