It was the first day of the new semester
his first day as a second year
he couldn't be more relieved
because the holiday was long
long and painful and insecure and was a hell
he worked three more part time jobs in those days, aside from his previous two
he worked like crazy
he worked like no tomorrow
anything so he could be away from the house
from father
but he couldn't avoid it forever
hell
it was hell
shattered and mended again
shattered and mended again
shattered and mended again
again
again
until the pain was nothing but a dull throb.
But he couldn't be more terrified
because Antonio would be there
his confession back then
"Liar."
he would surely hate him by now
he should be relieved
that way, he wouldn't be scared anymore
and Antonio didn't need to be hurt in the end
hurt and disappointed
hurt
hurt
hurt
ruined
he would ruin him
he would disappoint him.
The first day of the new semester, Matthew noticed
and he was clearly worried
because no matter how hard he tried to pull his collar up,
the handprints on his neck were fresh and new and hadn't faded
because they were there just yesterday
and his back hurt like hell, it was an effort to move around without flinching
knife, knife, knife, sharp like the razor back then
graffiti, ugly ones
red red red.
He had tried to fight back once
so long ago, he couldn't remember clearly
but he remembered that it was pointless
pain pain pain
not lessened, only multiplied.
"Are you okay?" Matthew asked in the second day
it was the second day already
meant he had successfully avoided Antonio for one day
but it meant that he had failed to cover from Matthew
blue purple black red
"You look sick," Violet eyes, gentle, caring, genuine concern. "You should go to the infirmary."
"I'm okay," he said
he forgot to take painkiller this morning
white small pills
cold
you should endure
strong people could endure pain
so he tried to.
His back was in fire, his side ached, his arms and thighs and knees throbbed
but he managed for one day
attending classes
trying to pay attention
assuring Matthew
avoiding Antonio.
The second day in school ended, the bell rang
courtyard art room music room gym were filled
but in emergency stairs he was safe
he had heard that soccer team was practicing today
so there was no way Antonio would find him here.
He made sure the door was closed
and the hallway was empty
before taking off his hoodie
he cursed because his school shirt was stained
red red red blur red on white
it was hot these days and it was hell for his back
burning and throbbing and protesting
he couldn't lean on the wall, but that was okay
at least he got the chance to cool down the throbbing
he didn't want to be home
not now
not forever, he hoped
silently counting on the money he had been saving
wondering if it was enough already to move out
he had three part time jobs now that the school had started
how long would it take to be enough?
