I was going to move on to a different topic but I realized that it would take them at least a few days to live this episode down. Plus, I thought of further ways to embarrass April.

Dear Diary,

Went to the lair with cookies because I had to check on my Don later that night and make sure he didn't have an aneurism. The idea of Leo being… involved with a woman like seems to have driven him a little batty. I don't know why. The Gentry thing didn't bother him that much.

Leo was on the couch with Mikey cuddled against him and I hid for a second to eavesdrop. Because like Raph said. I'm a sneak.

Mikey asked, "If you ever met Buffy Summers, would you go out with her?"

"What kind of a stupid question is that?"

"A hypothetical question. She seems like a good match for you. She likes half-breeds. She's a warrior. She has that whole 'heavy is the crown' thing going on. I think she'd appreciate the katana stuck up your ass."

Leo sighed loudly and said, "You're amazing sometimes and not in a good way."

"Bet April would go out with you. She's desperate."

Grrr.

"Just shut up, please."

It was quiet for a second and then, as soon as I took a step towards them, Mikey said, "Hey, that wasn't an answer. Would you go out with April?"

He didn't respond immediately. There was a one second hesitation and Leo said, like he was reading off a cue card, "These kinds of speculations aren't useful at all."

"You would! You totally would!" He sat up and pointed at him.

Leo said, "So what? We all know that Don would and nobody gets on him about it."

Then I heard Raph say, "I would too. Where's the peanut butter?"

Mikey said, "You would not, Butch. If you were human you'd be married to Shirley Manson and traveling around the country with the Hell's Angels."

"I don't want to have another 'If We Were Human' discussion, okay," Leo said, sounding strained.

"Why do you guys all want to date April?" Mikey asked. I was ready to slap that one silly.

Raph did it for me and slapped him upside the head. "It's not like that. She's the only girl we know besides that Gentry chick and it would be weird if we didn't think about it. I mean, what it would be like if she was like us. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it."

"Maybe a little," Mikey said unwillingly.

Leo said sternly, "And it's totally useless speculation anyway and I think it does more harm than good to entertain the idea."

"Guess you're right," Raph said. "Want to watch Nascar?"

I could hear the sound of cars zooming. I was about to step forward and announce my presence again when Leo said, "It's harmful to them and to us. It's wrong to use people."

"This sounds fairly autobiographical, Fearless," Raph said. "What's wrong with you? A woman let you take advantage of her. It's her problem, not yours. Just enjoy it."

"Don't you see how much harder it makes… everything now?" Leo said, sounding frustrated. "It makes meditation nearly impossible."

"Just read that Taoism for Virgins book that you like so much," Mikey said. "And we all know that Raph thinks about sex a lot and he masturbates all the time. Just do what he does. Let's talk about something else. Leo, I don't want to know about your sex life."

"I don't have one and never will! That's the point!" Then he stormed off to his bedroom.

Raph said, "And they say we're the problem children. And you're the jerk off. Not me."

So I went home because I was a little too embarrassed to see them right then. I know I should have expected that. It's true. I am the only girl they know.


Dear Diary,

Going to take the bull by the horns and give them all THE talk in one fell swoop. Two talks instead of four. Leo's will serve as the warm up.

So I went over to the lair and got Splinter's blessing. He seems elated that he won't have to do it.

As soon as I got in the lair I could hear one of my Nine Inch Nails CDs playing. Turns out that every time Leo comes in the room he hears, "I want to fuck you like an animal… I want to feel you from the inside…" And then lots of tee heeing from Mikey. I don't know how Splinter's putting up with them right now. Raph likes Nine Inch Nails a lot, so he probably doesn't even notice.

I checked on Don and found him sitting happily in the lab by himself. He made a wooden box with a screen on top and he was watching his rats going crazy inside. They were squealing loudly and knocking into the sides of the box.

So I gathered all four of them up, which was hard, and lined them all up together on the couch. I stood in front of them again and said, "Now, with recent stuff that's been going on, I thought it would be worthwhile to have a little talk about… something important that's been… discussed amongst us lately…"

"Sex," Leo said to them.

Don covered his ears and went, "Lalalala."

"You're real mature, Don," I said. "Anyway, I know that it must be on your minds. You're all sixteen now." Leo had to correct me and say that Mikey's still officially fifteen. Like that matters at all. "Well, I just thought that we should talk about, you know, responsibility and whatnot."

"For what?" Raph said. "It's not like anything will ever happen with us."

"Let's pretend for a minute, Raph, that you met a female turtle. What would you do?"

Raph said immediately, "I would fuck her until I could fuck no more."

The others all laughed hysterically. Even Leo.

"Okay, let's go with that. And when this glorious fuck fest is over, you find out that she's pregnant."

"Oh. Oops. Knew I forgot something. I would use a condom."

"Too late," Mikey said. "She's knocked up."

"You'd have to pay child support," Leo said.

Raph defended himself and said, "No I wouldn't! Like we're in the system? They couldn't make me pay up. Not that I wouldn't cover my responsibilities. I'd raise the kid and all."

"What would you name it?" Don asked.

Mikey said, "Oh, name it after me!"

"It's a girl," Raph said. "So I'd name it..."

"Shirley?" Leo supplied.

This conversation was getting sidetracked. I said, "I know you guys are living under unusual circumstances and…"

"It sounds totally useless to have a sex talk with guys who can't do it in the first place," Don said, getting up. "I have to check on the rats again."

"What would you do it you met this female turtle?" I asked. I was really curious.

"Depends. Has Raph gotten to her first?"

"No, you can have her," Raph said benevolently.

"Okay. I don't know if I would do anything. I mean, I'm pretty happy on my own. I don't think I'd have anything to talk to her about."

"It's not about talking, really," Leo said, smirking.

"I don't know. Maybe if she was really cool. I'm not, like, sitting around going, 'I need a woman,' like these three. I have other stuff I think about. Guess I'm not that highly sexed. I'm glad though. I'm happy the way I am."

Ah, he makes life so much easier on me. I moved on. "What would you do, Mike?"

"I would be a gentleman and get to know her first and then marry her." He smiled a brilliant and corny grin at Leo for brownie points.

Raph said, "If Leo met her then Splinter would be a grandfather in five minutes flat."

"Doesn't it take longer than that?" Mikey asked.

I'm going to have to boil my brain in bleach later today. I said, "Let's forget the theoretical girl turtle scenario." It was both pointless and disturbing all at the same time. Congrats, me. "Okay, let's talk about something much more immediate, like human/ turtle relations. Sexual and otherwise."

Don groaned and Leo shifted awkwardly. "We already talked about this," Leo said.

"We didn't," Mikey said. "I'm opposed!"

I sat on the coffee table and resisted the urge to slap him. "It's not a right and wrong thing exactly. And how can you be opposed? Kissed fifteen girls lately?"

"That was barely kissing. I hardly touched them. Leo had this hands all over that chick."

Raph had to pick that up and run with it. "Really? What did you get to touch?"

"Agh! Who cares!" I said. "I don't care if Leo copped a feel on that woman! The point is whether or not it's a good idea. You're supposed to be in secrecy and I assume that lady figured out that you weren't in costume while she was… you know…"

"Groping him," Mikey said. Raph and Mikey elbowed each other. Those two are the giggle twins today.

Leo said, "That has occurred to me. I think that is a new concern that we need to keep in mind. If humans touch us, they can definitely feel that we're flesh and not vinyl. We need to keep that in mind whenever we claim that we're wearing costumes. Didn't you claim that when you interacted with La Cosa Nostra, Raphael?"

"Yeah, but he never made out with me, so…"

"Did he touch you?"

"Fuck, no!" He backed away from Leo a few inches and squashed into Mikey.

"Did you ever hug him or anything?"

Raph thought for a minute. "Maybe. Probably."

"This goes for rescues as well," Leo said, all professionalism. "If you let them touch you, they'll know that you're real."

The meeting ended and Don sent Mikey to check on the rats while he prepared his next caffeine dose. Mikey yelled from the lab, "They're fine. They're all asleep. Isn't that funny? One of them is sleeping on his back with his feet in the air."

Don had been pouring Pepsi into a Hannah Montana glass and stopped. He ran into the lab and cried out, "They're all dead! How did that happen! I'm so sorry, little rats!"

I heard Raph say, "Well, at least they died happy."


Dear Diary,

We had a little funeral for the rats. The boys all wore black masks, which looked extremely bizarre and they made me go home and change into black. There were a few noteworthy eulogies given.

Raph appointed himself pallbearer so that he wouldn't have to speak and he spent the whole time trying to find a place in the tunnel to dig a hole. So he was carrying a shoebox full of dead rats and a shovel back and forth while we gave speeches to each other.

Leo said, "I'm sure that Buffy, Xander and Willow were good rats with a large and loving family. Now they go to the big piece of cheese in the sky." He was having trouble seeing the tragedy in the situation.

Mikey is a great lover of all creatures great and small and Don is soft-hearted so they were both whimpering sadly.

Then Master Splinter says, "Goodbye, my small brethren. I hope that in the future, my sons will not senseless kill others of your kind."

Donny had to repress a sad cry then.

Leo had to keep hamming it up and he kept saying things like, "I'm sure in heaven your bedding will always be clean and the hamster wheel will turn through eternity, like a squeaky metal ouroboros."

And then Don said, "You were good rats and I'm sorry that I ended your lives too soon. True, Xander did bite me a few times, but I think it was just high spirits."

Leo patted him on the shell and said, "I don't think it wasn't personal."

Then Raph yelled, "Damn it!" as the shovel slipped and he cut one of his feet with the blade. He dropped the box on the ground so that he could inspect his foot.

Mikey said, "Hey! Have some respect, Raph!"

Raph said, "They're all dead. They didn't feel anything."

I said, "Goodbye, rats. I'm sure your deaths will contribute in some way to the Hamato family's medical knowledge." Either that or Don tormented you for no reason and your deaths are meaningless.

So Raph dug a shallow grave and Splinter formally placed them in the hole and Don covered the shallow grave with earth. Then Raph helpfully tried to stamp the ground with his foot and we could hear the box collapsing under his weight.


Dear Diary,

Sissy Hallowell just called and asked me and Raph to house sit for her. She needs somebody to feed her twenty cats. Don't know what he'll say.