Chapter 50
Ella took the twins upstairs to bed. She tucked them in and settled them down before walking into the bedroom. She saw that the wardrobe door was open and Roman's clothes were gone. She broke down again crying before picking herself off the floor and pulling off the wedding and eternity rings. She tucked them in a small jewellery box and added the dog tags before climbing into the suddenly too big bed. After tossing and turning for the longest time she stood up and put the rings back on. Finally she slept.
She awoke with the twins and took them downstairs for breakfast. They became fussy, used to the attention of both Mummy and Daddy and she couldn't stop them or herself crying. Eventually she put them in the playpen in the lounge and switched on the tv to distract them while she went and got dressed. She didn't bother showering or even pulling a brush through her hair just pulling it back into a ponytail. She raced back downstairs feeling like crap.
The baby gave a savage kick to remind her of his or her presence and she gasped pausing on the stairs until the pain passed. Taking a cautious step she went down the rest of the steps and moved into the lounge to look at the twins. She had no idea how she was going to cope with three babies and began crying again. Pulling herself together again she rubbed the tears from her face and started the day. She had to clean the house she thought and there was Cookie, the cat, to feed. She should start cleaning the kitchen.
She checked her phone and saw missed calls and messages form Nic and Mike and Aden. She typed one text and sent that to all of them. Nothing from Roman and she debated whether to text him but suddenly found she lacked the courage.
Aden walked into Nic and Geoff's house.
"Princess!" he called and watched as Nic slowly came down the stairs.
"Hey." He added.
"Hi Aden." She said and paused halfway to sink slowly down on the step. "Mike is upstairs with Angel. We had the same text."
"Me too. How are we going to fix this?" he asked her sitting with her.
She shook her head.
"My dad is not even answering my calls so I don't know." She said a slow tear falling down her face.
"Nor mine. Was it as awful as Geoff said?" Aden asked having not been at the courthouse the previous day.
Nic nodded.
"He wasn't angry or sad he was just so…" she tried to explain it.
Aden smiled.
"Roman?" he asked and Nic nodded again.
"This was his marriage and he just left." She began crying in earnest and Mike joined them on the stairs sitting next to Nic and putting his arm around her.
"I wonder how Mum is?" he asked them. "I know she said not to worry and she needed some time but .." he trailed off.
"I think we should leave her today. She knows where we are." Nic told him, smiling despite the tears.
Roman stood at the lookout and was looking out on the sea. He watched a lone seagull flying overhead and felt a sense of déjà vu. The waves crashed into the shore in a majestic display of nature and he felt nothing. Turning he saw Miles sitting on the table behind him with a cup of coffee.
He walked over to him.
"How did you know?" he asked picking up the cup and taking a drink.
"This is where you go when you need to make your mind up about something." Miles told him. "Are you really such an ass that you are going to throw away your marriage? For God's sake Roman, you knocked me on my ass a month ago because you thought I'd slept with her."
"I know that. I can't help how I feel now." Roman said.
"Can't you? Is this just hurt pride Roman? She looked after herself for 11 years, going round the world and doing a lot of stuff and bringing up Mike."
"And?" Roman asked. "Does that excuse all the secrets she keeps from me?" he questioned.
"I don't know. We begged her to tell you about the pregnancy." Miles said.
Roman laughed bitterly standing up and putting his hand through his hair.
"Which one?" he asked.
"The first one you ass." Miles told him. "The second one you had no right to know about until she was ready to tell you. You don't get entitled to their every waking thought just because you are married. Has she told you what happened?"
Roman nodded slowly.
"Then you know how hard it was for her to discover she was pregnant. And she had to hold your hand through it until you were ok."
Roman flinched.
"Miles." He protested.
"Roman. You love her. Stop being a SOB and go home." Miles told him
Roman walked back to the table and sat down.
"I can't." he said. "I have to …" he began and broke off.
"What? What can possibly be more important than being at home with your wife and children?" he asked him and Roman knew the other man was thinking for a moment about his wife and daughter that he'd lost on the day of the tsunami.
"Miles." Roman said and put his hand on the other man's shoulder.
Miles absentmindedly patted the hand and looked out on the waves crashing on the cliffs below them.
"So answer the question." Miles said after a moment.
"Nothing." Roman answered. "But maybe she doesn't want me, she hasn't texted or called." he added.
"Only one way to find out." Miles told him.
Roman looked at him for a long moment before picking himself off the table and throwing the empty cup in the trash. He climbed into his car and made his way home.
He let himself in through the door and heard the tv on and the twins crying. He looked into the lounge and saw Ella trying to calm them with little success. She looked adorable and at the same time a complete mess. Turning slowly she saw him and paled.
"You took your things." She said.
"I had to. I needed to show you how hurt I was." He said truthfully.
"Why are you here?" she asked.
"Because." He said.
He walked over and picked up Georgie and cradled him in his arms. The boy stopped crying, as did Sophie at the same time.
She looked at him for a long moment.
"You don't need to worry. I'll give you your divorce." She told him.
He met her gaze unflinchingly.
"Maybe I don't want to talk about a divorce." He said softly. "Maybe I want to talk about us."
She put Sophie back in the playpen and walked back into the kitchen to finish cleaning.
"There is nothing for you here anymore Roman." She told him when he followed her into the other room.
He folded his arms across his chest and looked at her.
"Do you not love me then?" he asked finally.
She looked at him quickly then looked away.
"What would you have done if I'd told you about Gardy back in the day?" she asked him.
"I think I would have torn his head off." Roman answered. "He knew you were my woman."
She wanted to smile at the last part of the statement but held back.
"And if I'd told you I was pregnant the first time." She asked him putting tins back in the cupboard.
"I would have married you. I'd already proposed dammit. You knew I was crazy for you."
She nodded.
"And would you have stayed in the army?" she asked.
"I don't know. Probably."
"So I would have been another army wife." She told him.
He shrugged.
"El, why are you asking these questions." He muttered feeling uncomfortable.
"I don't know. " she told him.
He reached for her and pulled her to him.
"El I love you and I'm sorry for yesterday." He said.
She pushed him away.
"I love you too but we can't keep doing this. I can't be there for you one minute and cursed for something else the next. I'm a mother. I have Mike and the twins and this baby. I have to know that I can trust you and rely on you. I didn't tell you I was asked to see Gardy yesterday because you would have talked me out of it or stopped me or anything. And I needed to know whether he killed my brother. My brother. Not yours." She took a beep breath. "I'm sorry that hurts you. I'm sorry you were affected by it."
"El." He said quietly.
She looked into his face.
"How can I protect you when you pull stunts like that?" he asked her.
"By letting me and being there for me." She replied. "You were my strength through this whole trial. Every time it seemed too hard, the questions were too painful to answer I touched the dog tags and it was like you were there with me holding my hand."
He shook his head.
"I knew where you were. I came to you the night after I was attacked because you were there. I knew I could take my battered soul and curl up in your arms and have you protect me until I was strong enough again." She told him softly.
She moved round to the other side of the kitchen and put the kettle on automatically reaching for his favourite cup to make him a coffee.
"What are we saying?" he asked her.
She turned to him.
"I am a strong person. You know that. I am stubborn. You put up with that. I love you with all of my heart and I will never be with anyone else the way I am with you but you are right. It is over between us. You don't trust me. I can see that. I can't be a little woman for you Roman, and let you be the hero."
She sighed and poured out the drink for him handing it over mechanically.
He took it from her and placed it on the top behind him and looked at her.
"Why didn't you blame me?" he asked. "Gardy was my man, he killed your brother, took you, hurt you and you never blamed me."
She looked at him.
"Why would I blame you? " she asked back. "You can't be responsible for what that man does. He never respected you. He just had this perverse sense of injustice so that he blamed you for all the crap in his life."
He shook his head again.
"Because I lay awake sometimes and I blame me. I should have stopped him. I should have done anything other than have you go through that." Roman said at last.
She gasped.
"So what, did you fail? Does that mean you have to protect me from everything? Is that why you never told me you had doubts about taking on this baby for so long?" she asked.
"I'm supposed to protect you El. You are my wife. I love you and I will die if anything happens to you." He said finally, his gaze meeting with hers.
She wanted to hold him and pull him close to kiss him but she couldn't.
"I'm sorry Roman." She told him.
She walked through to the lounge and sat on the sofa. After a while he followed.
"Sorry for what?" he asked.
"For hurting you but we are over. I can't be the woman you want. I need a divorce. I can't sit back and let you protect me and when bad stuff happens, it happens." She shrugged. "I will fight for my family, you know that, so no I can't be a little wifey waiting for a hero husband to come home."
He sank down beside her.
"So this is the end?" he asked.
She nodded a tear falling down her cheek.
"Why doesn't it feel like the end?" he asked her after a long time.
"I don't know." She told him tears now flowing down unheeded her face. "I just want to hold you right now." She confessed in a broken voice.
"Maybe that is something." He told her.
She shook her head.
"No you need to go." She murmured.
"I can't." he said. "I'm waiting for you to fight for your family." He used her words against her and she felt a fresh wave of pain wash over her.
She shook her head and wiped at the tears on her face.
She stood up and looked at him.
"Please go." She said.
He stood and took a step towards her.
She shook her head again but he ignored her.
He took her in his arms and held her against him feeling her shake with fresh sobs.
He bent his head and kissed her for the last time before leaving.
She looked on as the door closed behind him and she collapsed on the floor sobbing once more destroyed. She didn't hear him come back in. She looked up after a moment and he was kneeling beside her on the carpeted floor.
"El I love you." He said the only words he could.
She flinched.
"I love you too." She moaned. "I'm hurting so much." She gasped.
He pulled her towards him and kissed her.
"Then isn't that enough to get us through this darkness?" he asked.
She half smiled before shaking her head.
"No it isn't." she gasped. "I thought that it would be but we are who we are." She said to him.
"And we got here. We got through being separated. Through Gardy kidnapping you. Through everything. We are strong El, please." He begged.
She pulled away form him.
"Don't you think I want to? I want to hold you and take you upstairs and make love to you but we can't. Not anymore. It is over we have to accept it." she told him.
He sighed, exhaling slowly.
"I won't." he told her.
She looked at him.
"Roman please, don't drag this out. You left. You decided and it's done. I can't anymore. " She said.
"Fight for us El." He told her softly.
She moaned and fell back to the carpet. The twins began crying and she crawled over to the playpen.
"Shh, it's ok." she told them.
He stood and walked over to them picking up Sophie and rocking her in his arms. As soon as they quieted down he pulled Ella to her feet and held her too. She tried to pull away but he held her firm. He wiped tears from her cheeks and lowered his head and kissed her.
"Don't please." She begged.
He smiled slowly.
"Don't what?" he asked kissing her again.
She moaned against his lips.
"Roman please. I can't," she cried.
He led her over to the sofa and sat down pulling her next to him keeping his arms tight around her. She tried to pull away but he wouldn't let her.
"Please don't Roman." She moaned anew.
He smiled down at her.
"Don't what?" he asked.
"Don't do this." She murmured.
"I'm not doing anything except holding my wife." He told her.
She sighed.
And reaching up she kissed him.
He kissed her back.
"Seducing me isn't the answer." She told him.
"A couple of kisses can seduce you?" he asked smirking. "Damn, I'm good."
She pulled away from him, blushing before she slapped him on the arm.
She looked up at him a slow smile on her face.
"Promise me." She asked suddenly.
He grinned.
"I promise." He told her unwaveringly.
She kissed him and wrapped her arms around him.
"What have I just promised?" he asked slowly.
"That you won't get mad if I do something you don't approve of and that if you do get mad and we start throwing around the D word I get custody of Miles. Oh, and you get the cat." She told him.
He smiled at her.
"It's a good job you love me El, because I wouldn't like to see what you'd do if you hated me. We had a prior agreement. You get Nic and I get Miles." He muttered, grinning. "The cat hates me."
She smiled slowly.
"I know." She looked at him. "But you know what they say, love me love my cat!"
"Uh huh." He grinned. "Don't push your luck." He told her.
She snuggled up to him.
"Thank you." She said.
"For what?" he asked kissing her again.
"For fighting for us."
"Well I'm the hero husband I sorta had to."
She blushed.
"You are going to remind me of that for a long time aren't you?" she muttered.
He pressed a kiss to the end of her nose.
"I could have walked away El. I could have left a moment ago but I knew that you loved me and I loved you and if I stayed we could get through this. And I heard you crying. It tore me up inside knowing that I was the cause of that. I never want to hear you crying like that again." He said to her.
She looked at him again for a long moment.
"Well then you better stop doing stuff that makes me cry." She told him.
"No you don't." he grinned. "You are not going to give me a list of all my habits that annoy you and threaten me with tears every time unless I stop them." he told her.
He stood up and pulled her up to stand next to him.
She smiled at him.
"The thought never crossed my mind." She said.
"Of course not." He told her and saw the blush that travelled across her skin.
"I love you." She told him.
"I remember. With all your heart wasn't it? And you'll never be with anyone else the way you are with me."
She looked at him.
"You'd die if anything happened to me." She quoted back.
"How about we just forget this whole conversation?" he asked quickly.
She hugged him.
"Not a chance in hell." She whispered in his ear. "I never want to forget how close we came to losing this."
He looked down on her.
"I don't believe that we couldn't have found a way back. We love each too much." He told her softly looking deep into her eyes.
"Don't you think you better go and get your things then?" she asked.
He smiled.
"Are you asking me to move in?" he questioned.
"Do you need me to ask?" she said. "Again?"
He lifted his hand and stroked her cheek.
"Yes I do." He murmured.
"Have I been making you feel…"she trailed off uncertain how to finish the sentence.
"No. I've known that you love me. But you made a home for yourself and I really do understand why it was important to you, I just need to hear the words."
"Please move in with me?" she asked.
He grinned.
"Yes." He said.
He put his arms tight around her and held her for a long time.
