Chapter 44: The day before

Phil had been gazing at his phone for a few minutes… or hours. He couldn't pull his eyes away from the screen. He swallowed anxiously. One more day. No texts from Dan. One more day, a matter of hours. Never any texts from Dan. One more day until he left. His phone vibrated and let out a long, dull beep. The ordinary sound caused his heart to rise as always. Even though his mind was telling him it wasn't Dan, it would never be Dan, his heart still swelled, still leapt to his throat. His stomach still got butterflies and a anxious smile still spread across his face. It shrunk again, fell to the floor, his stomach just felt queasy. The smile drifted off his face. It was just an e-mail. An e-mail confirming his tickets. He was leaving for London the next day.

One more day, only a matter of hours, and he didn't have a clue what he was doing. He didn't have a clue what he was doing when he got there, where he was going to go. He felt as though every fibre of his being was being pulled apart. He just wanted to stay. He didn't want to leave, to have to look after himself. He didn't want to have to worry about food, and washing, and living. He didn't want to grow up. He and Dan had always joked about it, about how they would never grow up. They'd spend the rest of their lives watching TV, playing sonic. But now, the prospect of growing up was imminent. Phil had been lying to himself, fooling himself. Everything was not going to be OK. He had nowhere to live, no job, no idea what he was doing next.

He pulled himself quickly away from those thoughts. It was too late to do anything about it, so what was the point. He started on the next train of thought, even though it wasn't much better. Why hasn't Dan text? Maybe he didn't want Phil to find him. Maybe he'd realised that he could do so much better. Maybe he was with some other guy right now. Someone tanned, good looking, someone who was good enough for him. Who wouldn't let him just be taken away. That's what he'd done. Let him. He should have done something. He should have fought for him. He bit down on his lip, hard. He was drifting back into that pool of self-hatred, where he dwelled on everything he'd done wrong. It had been happening to much for his liking recently. He would sit somewhere, staring for hours, biting the inside of his mouth until he tasted blood. He would think about how much Dan must hate him for letting him go, for not doing something. He would think about how he never really did as well as he could have in school, even before Dan left. He was nothing, in the grand scheme of things. Just a little blip that would be forgotten quickly. In two years, he would be a faint memory to everyone here. Oliver and Lucy would just remember 'that guy who was nice'. Maybe they'd remember the cuddly toys, the painted room, the cat whiskers. Maybe, but probably not. His dad had probably completely forgotten about him. It wasn't like he paid any attention to him when he lived there.

Phil was pulled from his reverie by a warm and sympathetic voice saying "Maybe he's not allowed a phone? Or maybe he broke it? I wasn't even his friend but I could tell how clumsy he was." He snapped his head up quickly, wincing as a sharp pain shot up his spine, exploding in his neck. He didn't sleep anymore, at least not during the night. Falling asleep in lessons, at a desk, didn't exactly do wonders for your back. Jake was stood in his doorway, pyjama's crumpled and towel in hand. Jake flicked his hair out of his eyes, a warm smile on his face. Phil gave him a small smile before raising his eyebrows questioningly. Jake chuckled and continued "It's not hard to figure out what you're thinking about. You were staring at your phone with a sad look on your face. Since they don't text you your results…" he trailed off, and Phil chuckled slightly. "Do you really think I'm going to do that bad?" he asked, chuckling again as a faint blush crept across Jake's cheeks. He shook his head quickly and replied "No, now hurry up and get your ass out of bed. I'm being nice and giving you the first go in the bathroom, so hurry up before I change my mind." Phil grinned in response before exclaiming "I don't have to go to school until 1! Why should I get up now?" Jake returned the grin before teasing "Because you need to pack!" he took on an expression of sudden seriousness before continuing "Plus, it's not like you're going to sleep. You can't trick me or Dave for that matter. You look like a panda." Phil nodded, averting his eyes, and when he glanced back up Jake had wandered into the corridor.

Phil dropped his phone onto his bed before grabbing his stuff and following Jake into the corridor. He turned to shut his door, but paused for a moment, staring into his room. He was once again pulled back by Jake's teasing. "Awww, are you having a moment Phil? Only one more night in that room." Even though his voice was teasing, there was an undertone of sympathy. Phil shut the door and turned around, moving his hair out of his eyes. "Nope" he chuckled, "I was looking at the mess. You just reminded me I have to pack all that tonight. Stupid procrastination." His room had never been that messy. He was normally a pretty tidy person. Now he could barely see his floor under the piles of clothes and cuddly toys. He should have started packing weeks ago; he had just… stopped caring. He couldn't be bothered to pack, to clean. Jake laughed, hiding his face behind the towel. He spoke, voice muffled "Procrastination? Good luck with your results!" Phil stuck his tongue out at him, and turned to open the bathroom door, before pausing. "Jake, you don't have to let me go first. You have to get to school!" Jake shook his head, chuckling. "Always too nice Lester. I'll wait out here. After all, age before beauty!" He gave him a quick wink before slumping loudly to the floor and pretending to fall asleep, his loud snores echoing down the corridor. Phil shook his head before turning around and wandering into the bathroom, trying not to let his mind wander back to his phone.

He stared at himself in the mirror for a moment. Jake was right, he didn't know how he hadn't noticed. He looked terrible. The dark circles under his eyes contrasted his pale skin, making him look like a cold corpse. Honestly, he looked dead. He moved his messy hair so it covered his eyes as best as it could, and wandered back to his room. On the way he past the still 'snoring' Jake, and nudged him with his foot. When there was no response he chuckled slightly, and left him to it.

He sat on his bed, head in hands, unsure of what to do. Now, later, tomorrow. He chuckled slightly as Jake gave a particularly loud snore. There was something wrong with that kid. Part of him wondered if he had always been like that, and Phil had never realised because he avoided him like the plague. They'd never been friends, and he wasn't sure if they were now. He thought they were but… either way, e doubted Jake had ever acted like this before. If he had, he would have lost the 'cool' status a long time ago. Why did he ever want to be cool anyway? He didn't seem that bothered now that he'd lost it. The only time he'd shown that it got to him was when his best fr- old 'best friend' had ignored him. He didn't know Phil had seen that though. He'd tried to talk to him in passing in the corridor, but the kid just shook him off. When Jake turned around, for a second, he looked… shocked, upset, crestfallen. Then it was gone, and he looked calm, not-bothered. Phil felt a slight pang of sadness. He had just made a new sort-of friend, who was going through some obvious… stuff, and he wasn't going to be there to help. He wouldn't even get to see how it panned out. He was never going to see what happened with him. Whether he made new friends, went back to the old ones. Whether he ever played the guitar out of his bedroom.

Phil shook his head quickly, sighing. It was funny, well, sort of. He had other things to worry about. He was getting his A-level results today, tomorrow he was leaving, and yet here he was thinking about Jakes problems. He was never very good with coping with his own issues. There was no Dan to help him now. So he distracted himself instead. He thought about Jake's problems, his future, how different he was now. How much he reminded hi of himself. Of Dan. He shook his head again, needing to focus on something else. He glanced quickly around his room, and decided he didn't want to think about packing either. He was putting that off as long as possible. He weaved his way through the piles of clothes and stuffed animals to his open wardrobe. Sometimes he missed totoro, but it was nice to know Dan had something to remember him by. Even if he didn't want to remember Phil. He wished he could make his brain shut up. Why did he have to start worrying about all this stuff now? It all had to come at once, to overwhelm him. All those times he'd distracted himself, told himself not to worry about it, it had all lead up to this.

He flicked through his clean clothes before pulling out one of his chequered shirts and a pair of black skinny jeans. He pulled them on quickly, trying not to fall over the piles that made up his floor as he hopped around on one leg to get the skinnies on. When he was dressed he gazed down at the pile of stuffed animals once again. Was he packing them? Should he take them? He was growing up, he really shouldn't… "but… lion" he whimpered pathetically into the empty room. Then there was that calm voice again. "What's up?" Phil glanced towards the door, even though he knew who it was. A now fully awake and dressed Jake, school bag slung over his arm. He paused for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and deciding to tell him. After all, he thought they were friends, and even if he laughed, who cared? He would be gone tomorrow. "I don't know whether to pack my teddies or not." He watched as Jake was silent for a moment, a look of pure concentration taking over his face. After a few minutes he said, a small smile on his face "They're your childhood. Just because you're growing up, doesn't mean you have to leave your childhood behind." Phil smiled, but before he could reply, Jake had gestured to the floor and left with a simple "Have fun packing all this." Phil turned back to the pile and groaned as he fell face first into it.

A few minutes later he wandered into the kitchen, hair all over the place. He didn't have to go in until 1 to collect his results, so he still had plenty of time to get ready. He slumped into his chair, flashing a quick smile at Jake before grabbing a glass of orange juice. Breakfast passed quickly, and Phil was thankful for all the noise. Nobody noticed that he didn't eat anything, that he barely spoke two words to Oliver or Lucy. He was thankful when it was time for everyone to leave, and he slumped further in his chair as he murmured a quick "bye" to everyone. A minute later he glanced up and was surprised to see Jake stood casually in the doorway, watching him. He straightened up a bit when Phil caught his eye and whispered a quick "Good luck" before leaving the room. Phil sighed loudly and slumped forward, laying his head on the table. The was a silence, but it was soon broken by the sound of pounding footsteps. Someone was running towards the kitchen.

Phil tilted his head to the side just as Jake came panting through the doorway. He took a few deep breathes before gasping "My lunch is at… one… I'll come find you… ok?" He was wheezing, and Phil found himself wanting to reprimand him for his smoking habits, but he just replied "Yeah, ok." Jake nodded and turned to leave, but came face to face with a confused looking Dave. "Jake, shouldn't you be on the bus?" he asked, confusion colouring his voice. Jake flicked his hair out of his eyes and sprinted out the door, a faint call of "I'm going" reaching the kitchen. Dave chuckled lightly before turning back to Phil, who gave him a small smile. He sat down next to Phil and started to tap a calm rhythm on the table, a warm smile on his face. After a moment he spoke, voice calm. "So, what are you doing tomorrow?" he asked curiously, before tagging on a quick "Not that I don't trust you or whatever, I'm sure everything will be fine" Phil interrupted him quickly, knowing if he didn't he would carry on babbling forever. "I'm off to London." He blurted, and watched as Dave raised his eyebrows. "And why's that?" Dave asked curiously, and Phil felt a blush beginning to colour his face, so he stuttered out a quick "Erm, n-no reason. I just always wanted to go to London I-I guess."

Dave raised his eyebrows but didn't question him further. After a minute of awkward silence Dave said "So, what are you doing when you get there?" Phil shrugged his shoulders, trying to look like he wasn't worried. Dave gave him a reassuring smile before saying "We'll talk more about it once you've got your results, but I've got some stuff that should help you out" Phil nodded gratefully, before staring at his lap. He didn't feel comfortable having this conversation with Dave. He didn't want him to worry, not like Phil was. He didn't want him to realise that he didn't have a plan. He didn't want to disappoint him. Dave interrupted his train of thought by asking "Is there anything you need to do?" Phil nodded his head, groaning inwardly. It was time. "I need to pack" he replied, and Dave rolled his eyes, exasperated. "Well, you better go pack!"

Phil shut his door and glared at the room, letting out a low growl and then chuckling to himself. He pushed his way to his wardrobe and dragged out his two suitcases, before gazing around again. After a moment he reached back into his wardrobe and pulled out his duffel bag. He had collected a lot of stuff over the years, and it wasn't all going to fit into two suitcases. He let out a sigh before getting to work. He piled all his plushies onto his bed, deciding to start with those. They were the most important thing he owned. He put them all gently into the duffel bag, and then a few more into one of the suitcases. Then he packed his clothes systematically, not caring that they were crumpled. After about an hour of this, he was exhausted and no longer cared about being neat. He shoved the rest of his stuff into his bags, just managing to zip them shut. He dragged them over to an empty corner, and then stared at his desk. His straighteners, phone, charger and pyjamas. He would pack those in the morning. The only other thing on there was his sketchbook. He picked it up, flicking through the pages, not really taking them in.

Should eh pack it? It contained a lot of memories. But were they really things he wanted to remember? He had spent so much time on it, poured so much of himself into it. Shouldn't you take the bad with the good? He just, couldn't bear to part with it. Even if it wasn't pleasant, it was a part of him. You have to accept your past before you can move on to your future. He had to start the future tomorrow, and he just… needed something to cling to. He slid it into a zip compartment and left quickly, not wanting to spend any longer in the empty room.

Phil's leg jiggled for the whole ride in Dave's car. He tried to ignore the trembling of his hands, the worry tightening his stomach and throat. He tried to take deep steady breathes, but they came out strangled. He never thought he'd be this nervous. It's just some letters, really. Some letters that could affect the rest of his life, but still. He tasted blood, and realised he'd been chewing his cheek again. Soon his whole mouth would just be scar tissue. Then they were there, and Dave was wishing him luck, and his voice sounded faint and far away, and Phil was climbing out the car even though he just wanted to stay and go home and not leave and

He was startled when somebody suddenly stepped in front of him. He stepped back quickly, and it took him a moment to realise it was Jake. He raised his eyebrows accusingly before reprimanding "It's not one o'clock yet!" Jake stuck his tongue out and replied "Missing 10 minutes of geography isn't going to kill me. Unless they announce there's an imminent earthquake or something." Phil chuckled, shaking his head, and started walking towards the sixth form. All too soon he was stood outside the doors, being pulled into the common room by the bustling crowds. He glanced to the side to see Jake walking, stooped, head down. Phil nudged him gently and Jake glanced up and whispered "Sixth formers only. I'm meant to be in lessons right now!" Phil shook his head disapprovingly again, before shoving Jake into a seat.

There was the typical speech going on, but nobody was listening. People had already started queuing for those brown envelopes and Phil joined them quickly, before the line could get too long. He just wanted to get the damn results and go. After what felt like an eternity he reached the woman, who said in a bored monotone "Name?" Phil swallowed and replied quickly "Phillip Lester". She flicked through envelopes for a moment, expertly slid one out, and passed it to him, already looking to the person behind him. He nodded his thanks and wandered roughly in the direction he had left Jake. He was staring at the envelope in his hand, wishing he had x-ray vision, when he felt something tug his arm. He looked over to see Jake, a spare seat next to him, and realised he had almost walked past. He chuckled anxiously before slipping into the seat. His hands were shaking even more, and the envelope was jolting so much that Phil was amazed he hadn't dropped it yet. He took a deep breath, drew his fingers to the top, and stopped. He glanced up into the reassuring face of Jake, who gave him a quick smile and nodded his encouragement.

Phil took another deep breath, before gently tugging at the corner. He slid his finger under, and slowly slid it along to open the envelope. Another deep breath. He reached in and slowly withdrew the paper, his throat constricting more. Another breath, this time loud and shaky, and then he unfolded the crisp white paper. The crisp white paper that was so important. At the top there was a large block of writing which he didn't bother to read. He didn't even scan it. His eyes zoomed straight to the things that decided his future.

Health and social care: B

Art: A*

General studies: B

Media : A

He was confused to say the least. He'd never been brilliant at school, and since Dan left, he had been down right terrible. The coursework he did during the first year must have been incredible. He shook his head slightly, the faint voice in the background becoming clearer. "Phil? Phil, how did you do? What is it Phil?" He slid the paper further along his lap, towards Jake. He wasn't sure whether he could talk, his throat was still unbelievably tight. Jake took the paper from him, and his eyes scanned it. After a second his face relaxed and exclaimed happily "That's amazing Phil! You've done brilliantly, well done mate!" Phil gave him a small smile, but before he could say anything, Jake was being tapped on the shoulder. He turned and murmured a quick "Shit" under his breath. In his excitement, he had forgotten to be quiet. "Young man, you are not a student in this sixth form!" Mr Booth exclaimed, "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Jake nodded solemnly, hiding the grin on his face, before standing and heading towards the door.

Phil reached out and grabbed his hand quickly, causing him to turn around. "Erm, Jake? Can I have my results back?" he asked, trying not to laugh. Jake stuttered back "Um, er, yeah, sure, here you go." And then he was gone, the piece of paper returned to Phil's lap.

Dave handed him back the piece of paper, a huge grin on his face. He started the car and said happily "Well done Phil, I'm so proud of you! You pulled it all together! I guess we better go back and talk about tomorrow now."

So now they were in Dave' office, and for the third time that day Phil's stomach was sick with emotion. Dave didn't give him much time to worry about it though, he jumped straight in with "Do you want to do further education?" Phil was surprised at how easily his awnser slid from his lips. "No" . Dave shook his head and asked "Do you wanna do some kind of course then?" Phil thought for a minute, unsure. He wanted to do something, and he didn't want to have to start with a job yet. There wasn't much he could do with those grades, and he really didn't want to work in a shop or something. "Yeah, I guess" he gave in, scratching his head. Dave nodded and asked him with a grin "In what? Looking at your results, anything creative would be good." Phil chuckled slightly and replied "No more art, I swear down. Unless it's a lion face, I can't draw it. I think most of that grade just came from the 'originality and creativity of the idea in relation to the theme' or something." Dave rolled his eyes before asking "What about something to do with media then?" Phil nodded, figuring it was worth a shot. Maybe he'd get to help with movies, meet Sarah Michelle Gellar or something. Media seemed pretty interesting. Dave ducked down, and the desk rattled as he yanked a draw open.

He was handed a pile of paper, which he scanned through quickly. They were all basic university courses in media areas, and in London. Film making, Media study, directing in media, set in media. So many different things that they'd barely touched on in the A-level course. He threw Dave a thankful smile, not asking how he'd known to only look at London. That's when he noticed that Dave was holding another pile of paper, which Phil nodded towards questioningly. Dave pushed them towards him and explained "These are all places that will put you up until you find somewhere to stay." He pushed another piece of paper across and continued "and this is a form to apply for some basic funding. It'll help out with course and living costs until you can support yourself." Dave had put a lot of thought, a lot of work into this. Into Phil and his future. Phil had forgotten for a while, but Dave was like his dad. He cared, no matter how he acted sometimes. He smiled at Dave, and choked out a small "Thanks" before he was throwing himself across the desk and pulling Dave into a tight hug. All this worrying, all his stupid behaviour. He should have organised all this stuff a long time ago. Thanks to Dave he didn't have to. Without Dave, he would be nowhere." When he pulled away, he was blushing, but they both had warm smiles on their faces.

That night was the worst night ever. His room was empty; it was like he was already gone. Already forgotten. He faced his wall the whole night, trying to wipe his mind of all worries. That was impossible. So he tried to focus on one thing.

He was going to find Dan.