Part 4 - The Gym Leader's Despair


55 - Cold Comfort

Misshapen shadows passed before my eyes and I could not tell if they were cataracts or clouds painted upon the night sky. Flights of fancy took my soul to the ends of the earth, where gremlins of abstract philosophy assaulted my sensibilities with hollow laughter and inane wisdom. The touch of mortality impaled my liver and it was unbearably painless.

My hand rested beside me, palm down, and felt a cold, hard, smooth surface, the one sure thing I had ever known.

The charade I had been perpetrating for six years of the figure with iron resolve and unbendable will was not a lie, but an ideal I kept locked in a miniature universe and called out at will to act as my proxy. Even now, I could do nothing but rely on that borrowed reputation to carry me home.

"Am I worth anything to you?" I asked aloud.

A convoy of cars roared by, drowning out my voice, and so I assumed he did not hear me and that is why he did not answer. The moment passed, I could not bring myself to ask again.

A hue of black less absolute than the rest of the domed sky lurked on the horizon by the time we reached a cluster of neighborhoods. The first hint of dawn and the first trace of Olivine City appeared simultaneously. By the time I was gently deposited on the front steps of my apartment, tendrils of fire were wavering tentatively above the urban ramparts.

"Schteel."

My Pokémon raised his head to nudge me. I took his chin in my arms, and embraced him.

"Schteellon." Steelix's tail slithered out and swatted at my purse. The move knocked it loose and emptied its contents onto the balcony, including five of my Pokeballs. One by one, the behemoth used precise taps of his tail to trigger the balls' buttons. Tyko, Magneton, Magnezone, Skarmory, and Magcargo emerged.

The lot stared at me, placidly, expecting orders. None came.

"Steel. Steelix. Staaw."

Steelix motioned for all of the Pokémon to gather round. When none complied, the snake wrapped around and forcefully brought us all together.

"Tyk? Prinny! Prinny?"

Tyko, the smartest, was the first to get it. She hopped up on one of Steelix's spikes in order to face me at eye level.

"Prinploop! Proop! Prinp?"

I shook my head.

I have no idea what she's asking. Though, the gist must be that they all understood I was not myself, that I was sad, and that I needed comfort. They wanted to know what was wrong, and what I expected them to do about it.

'Expect them do'.

Expect.

Yes, that is a word that could be used to encapsulate my relationship with my Pokémon, and also why they were useless to comfort me.

"Do you know what love is?"

Tyko shook her head.

"Morty… he hurt me."

Tyko thought she understood, and pantomimed herself getting slapped across the cheek.

"Not there," I said. I pointed to Tyko's heart. "Here."

Tyko made a show of getting stabbed through the heart.

"Yes-"

-then she keeled over, as if dead.

"No, not like that."

Tyko tilted her head.

"It's, it's… he betrayed me."

"Tyk?"

How do you explain to a Pokémon the concept of abandonment?

I crawled away, out of Steelix's circle, and began walking away.

Even out to the curb, and across the street, my Pokémon didn't follow, merely stared.

I hid behind the corner of the next apartment building. Still no reaction. When I grew tired of waiting, I walked back to them.

"Didn't you want to follow me?"

"Zzzt."

"Weren't any of you anxious because I walked away?"

The ones with heads tilted them. Confusion. Concern, born from lack of understanding.

"Okay. Then let's put it this way. If I were to leave, leave town and never come back, what would you do?"

My Pokémon stared at me as if I were speaking Martian.

"Fine. If I were to hurt you, and scream at you, and shove you in your Pokeball, how would you feel? What would you think of me?" I put on the angriest face I could muster, and held out a Pokeball in a threatening gesture.

Tyko cowered in fear. Magneton and Magnezone floated in place, doing nothing. Skarmory clucked. Magcargo also shrunk back. Steelix lowered his head.

Expect.

Expectations.

They don't get it. Or maybe, I don't get them.

"Morty treated me badly, okay? He was mean to me in the worst possible way and now I feel bad!"

Tyko recovered, shrugged, and gave me a slap on the wrist.

I stared incredulously at the gesture.

Oh god.

"Is that what you think?" I asked. "Don't you get it? You can be hurt by the ones you love! You can be perfect, absolutely perfect, do nothing wrong, and they still hurt you! Why can't you get that?"

Because you've never given them any reason to doubt you, Jasmine.

A Pokémon in a good home with a loving trainer can't conceive of betrayal. To them, being hurt, receiving negative reactions from the one they trust means they're at fault. They did something wrong. The trainer is never at fault. We're the ones who feed them, bathe them, train them, order them around, take care of them when they're sick. We may not always be perfect, but our intentions are always pure.

"How do I get you guys to understand?"

They don't know what love is, the special kind of love, and the pain that can come from breaking it. They only know that I am upset and need comforting. So they gathered around and hugged me tight.

I felt nothing. No comfort, no warmth. None of it assuaged me in the least.

"Back off," I said.

They only gave me an inch.

"Get off me!" I yelled, thrashing wildly.

That threw them back a yard. Tyko, undeterred, hopped closer.

"What the hell do you know? What can you do? You're a dumb monster who knows nothing!" Tyko still came closer. "Go away!" I screamed, flailing my arms, unable to bear their dumb attempts at consolation. Tyko skittered away in fright. The rest followed, except Steelix.

The metal leviathan stood back, watching over me. I slid into a crouch, hugging my knees tightly.

Fresh tears welled on the cusp of my lower eyelid.

"Dumb brute," I whispered. "Do I mean anything to you?"

"Schteel." Steelix picked up his own Pokeball and dropped it at my feet.

"Besides that!"

No matter how much I shouted, no matter how much I cried, and screamed, raged, berated, moaned… always the same reaction.

Steelix's loyalty isn't out of love. It's out of obedience. Our bond isn't based on trust- it's based on submission. How can a Pokémon who's only personality trait is slavish obedience understand me?

It's impossible!

Steelix's eyes stared intently at me. It felt like they were expecting me to say something, do something, give Steelix a command that he could carry out. What would he do if I didn't say anything?

For minutes, and then much longer, till the sun had cleared the horizon, I sat there and waited for Steelix to grow tired and impatient.

He never did.

"Damn it! Fine, get in your ball!"

He let out a half-baked roar before the zap of the Pokeball laser struck him and the metal bulk disappeared. I was alone.

My anger subsided, giving me time to think, which was a mistake.

I had just scolded my Pokémon, for no reason at all, for no fault of their own.

How can they possibly understand me?

None of them even understand what a relationship is.

Steelix are solitary, mating consists of a brief, passionless exchange.

Magcargo are polygamous and colonial, a single female might bear the children of dozens of fathers in a single batch of eggs.

Magnezone and Magneton, obviously not.

Tyko is much too young.

Skarmory has an inkling, but he never got to attract a female from the skraw. For his species, winning over a mate was a matter of social status, not affection. Love, as far as the birds are capable of understanding it, only comes after the pairings are done. Skarm Skarm never made it that far.

They're such simple creatures, and blessed for it. Their love life, if it even exists, is straight-forward, devoid of complexity, of depth, of capability for disastrous betrayal and subsequent emotional turmoil. It's in no way comparable to a human's. I blamed them for not being able to empathize with me, when it was physiologically impossible for them to do so.

I crushed my head against my kneecaps and let out what must have been the seventh flood of tears.

Oh god. Oh god.

I'm all messed up.

My Pokémon, who I thought meant everything to me- they can't help me.

But… maybe…

There might be one who I could confide in.

He knew love.

His species was known for their profound emotional depth and their capability to empathize with even the most abstract human sorrows.

"Amphy," I whispered with a wistful touch of hope.


I found them asleep curled up against one another, tails wrapped around each other's haunches. With the sun crisping the morning air it was well past time for them to retire from their nightly duties. I tried recalling who had been scheduled to work tonight and couldn't. Regardless, they both looked completely conked out. I ought to follow their lead and collapse into sleep myself, but my mind was not following my weary body's lead.

I lay down beside Amphy, leaning over him.

"Hey." I brushed my hand along his neck and head. It took a second before he blinked himself awake. His groggy, befuddled gaze greeted me, probably not alert enough to comprehend who he was looking at. That's okay. I scooped him up in my arms and hugged him tight.

"Amphy. Oh Amphy."

He lay limp in my arms. The fuzz of his fur prickled against my bare skin. Except for his annoyed whimper, he acted no different than an oversized plush toy.

"At least I'll always have you," I said, stuffing my cheek into his shoulder.

"Phoo?"

"Morty, he…" I swallowed away a sob. It felt like a fresh wave of tears was coming, but it seemed wrong to spill them onto Amphy's hide. I tried, quite hard, to suppress them.

"Amphy, please say you'll never leave me. Please don't throw me away. Like he did."

My sometime Pokémon whimpered, flustered and worried.

"You won't, will you?"

"Amphar."

"Amphar? What does that mean?" My clutch became tighter and tighter, to the point that Amphy struggled to break free. He wrested himself away from my grasp, leaving me to kneel on the floor. He leaned over me as I finally let loose the tears.

"I don't know anything about anyone anymore."

What a stupid thing to say.

"It isn't fair, why does the world have to be like this?"

Another stupid thing to say.

"Men! I hate them! They're sick and corrupt to the core!"

The stupidity continues unabated.

I spouted whatever nonsense made the least sense, whatever seemed most poetic and self-serving and tragic, in order to continually stir the potluck of emotions I had been brewing. As long as I couldn't focus, I would not have to come to terms with what had transpired, and could find comfort in hopeless, mindless despair. I know this about myself, that this is how I react to overwhelming feelings, and I know it's bad for my psyche. So I do what I have trained myself to do at times like these, and that's seek out Amphy.

The creature understood. He's got that look- 'Here we go again': A sympathetic droop of the eyes, a heaving sigh, and a pat of the paw on my shoulder.

When I was little and led the elementary school riot, Mother chastised me in the cruelest way possible. Before then, I had sensed something wrong in my household, a tension that was kept hidden from me. I never saw it, never heard it, only felt it, like a ghoul hiding behind the locked door of the my parents' bedroom. When Mother smacked me, and worse, told me those terrible things, the wrongness burst out and flooded the household. It was never the same after that. I don't think there was much of a change in how Mother and Father treated me. More like I was no longer naïve, and much more aware of their treatment, and grew to resent it.

My life had become very cold and very dim.

Then, in the depths of my woe, Amphy happened upon me. Perhaps chance, perhaps fate, who can tell, but he was exactly what I needed to save myself. He tapped me on the shoulder, until I noticed him. I remember looking up to see this funny-looking yellow creature staring at me, looking curious and sympathetic. When I didn't respond he sat down beside me. Out of idle curiosity I reached out to touch his tail bulb. He yelped in surprise. That made me laugh.

He didn't really have to do anything at all. Just the fact that he was there, innocent and endearing, and didn't hate me, gave me hope that there was one living being in this world who cared about me.

Without his reassuring cooing, his comforting touch, his antics, his gentle joking, his story-telling, his patience, his platonic love- the thousands of moments of joy we've shared- I don't know where I would be today. Dead, maybe. Institutionalized, more likely.

For me, Amphy is a presence in my life that has only ever brought me positive feelings. Even the fights, arguments, stress, and worry were all born out of a sense of love between us. I cared for him, because he cared for me, and vice versa. This bond that we share is fundamental and unbreakable.

It seemed so simple, this concept of mutual love and mutual faith.

Why couldn't I have that with anyone else?

Why must humans make such an excruciating endeavor of such a simple thing?

"Amphy."

"Amphy," he repeated.

"Do you remember that time six years ago?"

"Amph." He nodded.

"It's like that again."

"Aaaaoo."

Amphy's throat seized up.

"I think this is the last time. I'll never find love."

"Phoo."

Amphy's head slumped down. He glanced over.

Spectra was stirring. She must have sensed the commotion and was starting to wake. Amphy was staring at her.

"You're lucky. Blessed," I corrected myself. "You have her. I don't have anyone."

"Amph." Amphy muttered something, a hesitant inquiry of some sort. I couldn't make sense of it. The Pokémon made a weak attempt at a pantomime, holding both paws in the air and waving his body.

Oh.

Spooky stance. Ghost guy. Morty. He means Morty.

He has Spectra, and I should have Morty, he's saying. But I don't have Morty.

I shook my head.

"Ampharos?"

"Morty is…" I choked. "He's with another woman."

"Ampha?"

"I don't know. They were having sex. That's all I know."

That's really all I did know.

But that should be enough to know he and I were finished.

Really? Is that true?

"What's his deal, anyways?" I asked aloud. Amphy tilted his head. "One minute, he's asking me to have sex with him, he tells me he'll unload all his secrets if I do, and I walk out saying "Not yet!". What does that tell me? He's done so much for me, he's said so many things, he's acted serious and vulnerable and by all accounts he loved me and was serious about starting a long term relationship with me."

"Ampha."

Now I've done it. Amphy brings me down to earth, he makes me focus, he causes me to start reasoning things out. This is usually good for me.

"So how do we go from "I love you and want you and we can have sex and romance and happily ever after" to screwing another woman in, what, forty minutes?"

It hadn't even taken me an hour to get to the train station and run back. In that brief time Morty had managed to woo a woman over to his room and start humping.

"Why would he do that?How could he even do that? It's not possible. It doesn't make any sense."

I crossed my arms and started thinking out loud.

"It was late at night. The partiers had all gone home. And I never saw that woman at my birthday party. Morty's got some suave, but he's not so good he can convince a random passer-byer to waltz into his room for a hookup. Not in forty minutes. Which means, what?"

Amphy patted Spectra.

"He was already seeing her?"

Amphy nodded.

I tried thinking back.

"Why would Morty go through so much trouble to try to win me over if he was already in a relationship?"

Amphy slumped, stumped for an answer. As was I.

"I could understand if he was unhappy with his relationship and wanted to pursue me. But they sure didn't seem unhappy to me."

I couldn't get the vile, lust-inducing image of the two of them fucking out of my head.

"Men are basically polygamous, they want to have sex with as many women as possible. So did Morty go through all of that effort just to have sex with me, because he wanted me? Why? Because of our history? Because I tickle his fancy? He thinks I'm cute? Was he lying to me about all the lovey-dovey stuff?

Well, wait… It wasn't just words. He did a lot of work, real work, to try to win me over. Spectra here is proof enough. And when I lost my Pokeballs, he made four plane trips on short notice. That cost him a lot of money… a LOT of money. That much money is not something a Gym Leader can blow on the off-chance it leads to a hookup. A hooker would be cheaper…"

My neurons lit up.

"A hooker!"

"Amph! Ampha?"

"Of course! He did want a serious relationship with me. There's no way to deny that, he bent over backwards to try to win me over. But he's a man, a perverted asshole at that, and he wanted sex. I wasn't giving him sex, so he decided to get it from wherever. I leave for Olivine, he's flustered because he got so close but was denied, so he calls over that woman for a booty call."

"Ampharara."

"I don't know. Maybe she's a hooker, maybe she's just someone Morty knows, a friends-with-benefits kind of deal. I'm thinking a hooker is more likely though, he had Danielle available. Or well, that doesn't really have a bearing on things, I got the feeling there was personal baggage between them, he might not use her for sex if it came with strings attached.

Ahhh! He didn't want to screw up his long-term chances with me by shagging some girl who might develop feelings for him, or vice versa."

I frowned.

"This is so stupid. So damn stupid. If all he wanted was sex he could have waited forty minutes. Forty minutes! I was on my way back, just so I could lay him! If only…"

I kept parsing it and folding it over, afraid that this reasoning was too simple, too optimistic, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Which, by my further reasoning above (forty minutes!) made me angrier.

"Grr! What do you think?" I asked my companion.

Amphy was looking lost.

"Ah, blah. You're lucky. You've never gotten rejected, or had to reject someone. We got it right on your first try. Lucky."

Amphy frowned. Spectra was yawning, turning over, and stretching.

"But you can understand, right?" I implored. "How would you feel if Spectra ditched you for another Ampharos?"

"Phar phar!"

He seemed indignant at the very proposition. As if Spectra cheating on him was unthinkable, that to hypothesize such a scenario was a deep insult to their relationship.

"Oh come on! I didn't think Morty would betray me, right up to the point I found a little brown bitch bouncing on top of him!"

Amphy shrank back.

"That's what men do. Don't you see? They lie and steal to get what they want, and to hell with the consequences, and others' feelings, as long as their dick gets wet!

Why must we women put up with all that crap just to get to that inkling of goodness inside men? It's not fair. Men are so stupid!"

My anger boiled over.

"Dumb, idiot, brainless, perverted, dimwit, morons! The whole lot of them can just… go to hell!"

My attention went from the ceiling where it had been directing its irate tirade to Amphy. He was cowering by Spectra, who was now awake and cognizant.

"I'm sorry, Amphy! I didn't mean you, you're not a man."

Amphy whimpered.

"I didn't mean it like that. I meant, you're not a human guy. You're not any of those things. You don't think with your dick-"

I should just shut up.

Judging by Spectra's fierce glare, that would be exceptionally good advice right now. She stood up to her full height and shoved her way between me and Amphy. Somehow, in my bitter anger, I took offense to her gesture.

"Amphy was mine way before you ever got in the picture. Don't get in between us," I snapped at her while shoving her aside.

She launched herself at me.

I was so taken aback by her Tackle that I fell backwards onto my hands and tush.

"What?"

"Ampharos!" she cried.

Did she seriously try to Tackle me?

"Don't go assuming things because you woke up in the middle of a conversation and heard things out of context!" I argued.

She wouldn't let up.

"Amphy, tell her to back down."

Yet, to my amazement, my Pokémon sheepishly backed away. He parked himself behind Spectra.

"What is it with you two?"

"Aaph."

"Amphy," I said, throat catching. "What's the matter?"

He shook his head.

"You're supposed to be siding with me. You're supposed to be helping me. How can I-"

"Ampharos," he said, cutting me off.

In which he meant-

'I'm sorry.'

I gawked.

My heart plummeted.

Amphy waddled over, tapped me on the nose, and then returned to Spectra's side. He hugged her tight and brought her back to the bedding. His gaze returned to me, even as the pair snuggled into the covers.

"Amphy," I said, trying very hard to hold my voice in check. "You'd best remember who arranged for you and Spectra to meet."

Amphy made a sign- hands up in the air, body waving, the spooky gesture.

Morty was the one who brought him Spectra.

Not me.

"Don't split hairs with me, boy," I warned, voice becoming increasingly strained.

"Amph." Whatever.

My temper began popping like fireworks.

"For all the things I've done for you. For all the years we've spent together. You owe me this. Don't shrug me off," I growled.

"Amphaarraraoo! Aphoo! Phararara! Ruroura! Amphoo, phara!" He started jabbering non-stop, every sound in his Poké-vocabulary pelting me in a sudden deluge of cries. I couldn't make sense of any of it. Far more telling than his language was the way he held Spectra, and cowered under my glare, and seemed comforted by her glance and her embrace more than mine.

"What the hell?! You too! You too would dump me for another girl?! You bastard! You sheepish coward!"

"Amphra!" Spectra cried angrily at me.

"You're just a damn Pokémon! You laze around up here living like a princess and you forget that you're just a monster!" I sprinted over to the counter and grabbed his Pokeball. "Just a monster! My monster! See?!" and I zapped him. Amphy disappeared in a shimmer of energy.

Spectra cracked a Thundershock towards me. It hit my abdomen, feeling like a kick in the stomach. I took another electrocution in the back as I scurried away. She didn't get off a third, because I found her Pokeball and trapped her too.

The pair of plastic balls were flung through the air, towards the trash can, although neither landed in the bin.

I collapsed on the floor, shivering, enraged.

I can't rely on anyone.

Not even my Pokémon.

Oh god, oh god.

God?

How funny, I can't count how many times I use His name in vain, even though I'm not really sure I believe He exists. Dad wishes I would. Mother tells me not to.

Whether God exists or doesn't exists, though, it doesn't matter to me. Even if there is an Almighty, He clearly has a hands-off policy towards us mortals and our personal affairs. We're free to visit our miseries upon others and let the burden of selfish needs and wants cause conflict with one another.

"Can't even rely on a deity. God's a man too. Jerk," I cried.

Sure, go ahead, blame everyone but yourself. I hope it makes you feel better, Jasmine.

Why does it have to be this way?

Pokémon were supposed to be the one thing I loved more than anything in the world.

What went wrong?

I thought Amphy was my buddy, my pal, my best friend, my confidante, my familiar. If the littlest thing I said wrong turned him away, who can I rely on? Isn't there anyone who, anything, in the whole world, that will just accept me for who I am and love me?

A whimper came out of me.

I'm being selfish.

…I'm being stupid.

Amphy is not my lover. We established that fact when I adamantly refuted Edward's insinuations of bestiality. Our love was never romantic, never even approached that kind of relationship. It couldn't be. I was a human and he was an Ampharos. It's grotesque and unnatural to ever consider that sort of thing. And yet, I was treating him with the kind of possessiveness that was only ever truly earned by entering into a monogamous, sexual relationship.

If we weren't lovers, then what were we? How would you characterize our relationship? What is Amphy to me?

Of course, of course.

My Pokémon are my children.

All this time, I'd never really realized it.

I am their mother.

Not their commander, like Morty pointed out. Not their friend, since I have authority over them. Not their boss, our bond runs too deep, too intimate for that. Not their significant other, our bond doesn't go that deep.

So to say, "They are my children, and I am their mother," would be the most accurate characterization of our relationship.

And that is why I could not, can not, rely on them for comfort.

A mother cannot rely on her children for emotional support. She has to be their blanket, their steady rock, their shelter in the storm, because if they can't rely on her, they have no one else they can fall back on. Their bastion seems faulty and unreliable if it breaks so easily; it seems weak and unable to support them if it comes crawling to them for support. A friend, a lover, a companion, yes, it's mutual. But a parent, no, never: a parent must always stand above their children and be infallible to them.

Unconditional love.

In practice, it means I, the mother-figure to my Pokémon, must take their burdens, because they have no one else who will take their burdens no matter what. No. Matter. What. If I force them to shoulder my pain, it breaks the trust. It tells them "This love is not unconditional. It is predicated on you comforting me when the time comes."

They could never be more than a pillow to me. They don't understand the full range of human emotions, and it would undermine their trust in me to even make them try.

I might have lost their trust already.

I realized this, and broke down crying. Again.


Some time later, after emptying my tear ducts and soul into the bed linen, I slowly pulled myself up. My phone had buzzed.

There was a text message. Of course, it was sent by the bastard.

Hey there. Can we talk?

I took a deep breath.

The logical, rational part of me still alive after the night's trauma told me the best course of action would be to ascertain the facts and make a decision based on them. After hearing his case, I could better make a decision whether cheating on me for easy sex was something worth dumping his ass for- or murdering him.

What I really want to do is throw the phone in the toilet and go to sleep.

Instead, I sent him a one-word reply.

Skype.