Lucifer was in his throne room in Hell. His throne was ivory with golden accents, while the seat itself was bright red and incredibly soft. The room was similar in appearance, with ivory walls, large reflective mirrors for a floor and a ceiling, and a long red carpet with golden accents leading towards the polished oak door.
Lucifer was watching The Twilight Zone on an old-fashioned TV that was in front of him. The episode was about a man who gave his greedy family masks that would ultimately cause them to become deformed.
"I fucking love this show. Way better than fucking Hack Mirror. 'Oh, dude, what if your mum was a phone? Or what if Google Search was eeeeeviiillll? Look at how DEEP I am!' I could probably write for that show."
There was a knock at the door.
"Come in."
Lucifuge walked in with a clipboard in his clawed hand. His footsteps were muffled by the carpet underneath him.
"Ah, brother. How are you today, Lucifuge? I'm glad you're using the carpet, the last time you came in here, your hooves cracked the mirror. A shame that the cracks had to be covered up by the carpet, but I suppose no reflection is better than a distorted one. What do you wish to speak to me about?"
"Your annual inspection, brother."
"Oh, of course." He paused the episode with his TV remote and got up from his throne. "Tell me, who's first?"
"The crown princes."
"Very well, then. Let's go."
Lucifer walked out of the room, with Lucifuge following behind him. The rest of Lucifer's castle had a similar carpet, this one being a bit darker than the other one and covering the entire floor rather than just a single part of it. They came to a door and opened it, immediately being greeted by the smell of seawater.
One side of the crown princes' office belonged to Leviathan. This side resembled a massive swimming pool filled with salt water, with the walls made of emeralds. Leviathan liked his own castle better, as it had a larger pool, but this one was alright for work. Leviathan himself was thousands of miles long. In the pool were many large horned fishes, each three hundred miles long, with each of their horns inscribed with the phrase: "I am one of the meanest creatures that inhabit the sea. I am three hundred miles in length, and enter this day into the jaws of the Leviathan." Leviathan ate one of them.
The other side of the office belonged to Belial. It was a simple dirt floor, with onyx walls. Belial didn't have a throne, preferring to use his chariot instead. He was admiring a globe.
"Ah, Leviathan!" said Lucifer. "How are you, old friend?"
Leviathan roared in response.
"I see, I see. I suppose it is a bit small, I'll definitely look into that." Lucifer looked around. "Say, I didn't notice this at first, but where are your attendants?"
Another roar echoed throughout the room.
"Oh, shit. Lucifuge, is that today?"
"It is."
"Fuck."
Leviathan's attendants - Orion, the Vergillae, and Arcas - weren't with him. Instead, they were getting ready for a meeting Lucifer had with various gods; they were going to be with Zeus for moral support, as he had granted them immortality.
Lucifer sighed. "Well, I suppose they'll have to wait. Hell's business always comes before foreign relations. Let's get back to the inspection. What are you doing at the moment, Leviathan?"
Once again, he roared in reply.
"The usual, I see. Lucifuge, write that down: 'Causing floods and storms, and inducing envy; causing obesity, idiocy, and foolishness; creating pride in the religious, and attacks Christians by impeding their spiritual growth through causing the inability to pray, illiteracy of the Bible, sleep during religious services, along with mockery and nonacceptance of salvation; cursing families and causing idiocy and illiteracy in the children; causing painful stiffness of the neck and shoulders; giving gifts, healing, and miracles to Christian pastors to manipulate them into doing Hell's bidding, and convincing them to make Christians vulnerable to demons; causing mourning, arrogance, false logic, egotism, low self-confidence, rationalization, ambition to learn forbidden knowledge, distractions, weariness, deception, brooding, melancholy, depression, gloominess, mental dejection, panic, irascibility, rebellion, seduction, treason, idolatry of the mind, vanity, jealousy, suffocation, cruelty, and schizophrenia; causing lies, gossip, accusation, criticism, faultfinding and slander; and finally, inducing insomnia and nightmares.' You've certainly been doing quite a bit of work, Leviathan!"
Leviathan roared happily. Lucifer laughed. "Thank you, Leviathan. You've always been a good friend of mine. In fact, this whole conversation has me confidant that the meeting with the gods will work out! You and your attendants might be key to this whole thing; they can cultivate a relationship with the Greco-Roman pantheon for us, and the Egyptian pantheon already loves you for helping to build their empire."
Another roar.
"No, really, they do! They've totally forgotten about us not helping them with the Plagues because of you! You just might help us win the war against Deus with your popularity!"
A final, happy roar echoed throughout the room.
"See, there's that famous smile! Anyway, on to Belial."
Belial turned to look at Lucifer. He was tall, slender, and handsome in an intimidating way, with short platinum blond hair contrasting with his black beard. There was a muffled sound from underneath his stainless white robes. Belial smiled, revealing sharp, viper-like fangs.
"No, not you," said Lucifer. "I want honest answers, not just what I want to hear. Bring out your true face, Belial."
Belial laughed. "Of course, my emperor." His voice was seductively beautiful. He turned around, revealing a massive hole in the back of his robes. A copy of Belial, completely identical, was restrained by his neck and hands to the back of Belial's body by translucent blue chains that were made from spiritual energy. Each chain link had a silently screaming face on it.
The conjoined twin smiled, also revealing his viper fangs.
"I am the lord of worthless men, of the earth, and of the world itself. I give worthless words, ideas, and counsels, along with calamitous circumstances. My children are the uncircumcised worthless ones; the idolaters, the rapists, the wicked, the insolent, the opposition of God, unsteady associates, conspirators, and those who bring contention. I am the lord of darkness, wickedness, guilt, and destruction. I bring fornication, wealth, and blasphemy wherever I go. I am the king of lies and rebellion. I am the great necromancer and wizard. I am the lawless one, I am the one who requires the bloody flesh of the children of God to do my vile works. I cause hostility and give excellent familiars. I am the great lord of death, lust, temptation, confusion, and the animal nature of mankind. I bring about reconciliations, promotions, and the giving of titles. I force thieves to return what they have stolen, and in the end times, I shall be let loose against Israel. I am also the ambassador to Turkey."
"And you're the one who the Egyptians blamed for the whole Plague incident."
"That wasn't my fault, it was Abezithibou who hardened Ramses' heart in the first place. If he hadn't done that, I wouldn't have tried to help his sorcerers oppose Moses."
"Tried and failed."
"I can't believe you gave all that praise to Leviathan, when I played an equal part in building Egypt!"
"Leviathan didn't fuck up in public, Belial. Now, tell me, what is your opinion of my current plans?"
"The ones I know about? They're alright, I guess. In my opinion, they're taking too long to set up."
"Have patience, Belial. Everything will be clear in time."
"That's what you said a millennia ago, asshole."
Lucifer sighed. "See, this here is why I'm always conflicted about talking to you like this. On the one hand, I don't get a useless yes-man, because this side of you can't lie. On the other hand, I get an annoying dickhead for an adviser. You can put yourself away now, Belial."
Belial turned back around. His lying body now faced Lucifer again.
"Your plans all sound great to me, my emperor!"
"Shut the fuck up, you kiss-ass."
Lucifer turned towards the door. "Lucifuge!"
"Coming, brother."
The two walked out of the room.
