Song for this chapter: Fire Fire by Flyleaf
I woke up and I was alone. The light was off and I was alone. The fiery escape from imprisonment had just been a dream I could not stop myself, I began to scream until my throat was raw. I screamed, and I thrashed, until suddenly I realized I was lying on something soft. I was not on a stone floor, and my arms were moving freely to wrap around my body. I was not retrained anymore. I nervously patted myself down, panting in the wake of my screams as I tried to assess the situation.
I was still alone, and I must be relatively safe, as no one had burst into the room to silence my screams. I pulled my stiff and aching body up and out of the bed, pulling the tablecloth tightly around my body once more as I stood on shaky legs. It felt like the floor beneath my feet was made of wood, and that was different. Different was good right? I shuffled awkwardly across the floor when my body didn't want to move. I kept my hands out and ran them along the wall until I felt a door. I pulled it open quickly, and let in the light that was filtering through the hallway.
A slice of it lit up my face and reached behind me into the room. Looking into the room now, I could see that the flickering light of what must be a candle somewhere lit up the curved edges of a lamp on the beside table. I shuffled quickly over to the table and I lit the lamp. I let out a shaky breath of air when I was no longer in the dark, but I did not calm down until I had snapped the door closed once more. It didn't feel safe with the door open and exposing me, but once it was closed I finally drew a deep cleansing breath.
I looked around the room now that I could see my surroundings, and I realized that I was in someone's bedroom. It had a certain feminine air about it. There was floral wallpaper, though it was in dingy pale colors, and a few pictures adorned the wall. It looked like this room hadn't been used in years. There was a layer of dust on every surface. I ignored all of the things in the room in favor of focusing on the wardrobe sitting beside the window. I threw it open and rummaged around inside. All of the clothes smelled of mothballs and dust, but I found an old set of basic black robes and I pulled them out. I let the tablecloth, which I discovered was green, fall to the floor, and I staunchly refuse to look at my broken body while I did it. It made me feel better to be covered in actual clothing once more.
I cringed when I noticed blood in the heap of the tablecloth. I shuffled back to the bed, and winced anew when I saw a patch of blood on the bed. Clearly the injury Voldemort had inflicted inside of me had not yet stopped bleeding. I refused to do anything other than fold the blanket over so I wasn't looking directly at the evidence though.
I lowered myself gently back onto the bed, but my body still protested the new pressure against my injuries. I ignored the somewhat distant sensations of pain as I wrapped myself tightly within the sheets. I was so tired, but I didn't want to sleep anymore. It seemed that was all I had done lately was sleep. Sleep and torture, it had become my entire world. I was lying there in the cocoon I had made, staring at the faded flowers on the wall when the door creaked open. My head snapped to the side and I saw Molly Weasley sticking her head into the room.
I screamed at her. I didn't know why I did it. I couldn't say why I continued to do it even when my eyes watered and my throat protested, but I continued to scream. I wanted her to get away from me. I wanted everyone to stay away from me.
She flinched, but she didn't immediately disappear. She pushed the door open further and brought in a tray that was laden with food and juice. Her face looked pained as she hurried into the room, her eyes linger on the sheets wrapped around me, trying to ignore the sound of my screaming as she put the tray on the bedside table. My screams only grew louder with her so close to me, and she flinched every time, but she did not stop. I thought I might hear someone else screaming somewhere off in the distance, but that hardly made any sense to me.
"Get out," I screeched at her when I was afraid that she was actually going to stay. "Get away from me!"
"I'm sorry, so sorry," she said, her lips trembling, and her eyes still lingering on my sheets again, before she fled the room.
The door clicked shut and I stopped screaming. I looked down at the sheet to see what the hell her problem had been and I saw that I was bleeding through it again. I sighed, and massaged my aching throat while I listened to the screaming out in the hall continue. I still heard muffling screaming coming from somewhere and I started to wonder if maybe I really was loosing my mind once and for all.
Eventually it stopped, and I could at least pretend that I was normal. When it was quiet and calm once more I turned my attention to the food beside me. It was the most glorious plate of food I had ever seen. There was soup, a leg of chicken, bread, and fruit, and even a couple lemon drops. I knew those must be from Albus. It made me smile, however feebly.
I had no manners as I tore into the food. I ate it as quickly as I could, afraid that someone would take it away. I drained every bit of pumpkin juice that had been provided just ask quickly. All of it disappeared so quickly that I wondered if I had lost track of time. I checked my watch, and it was 1:00 a.m. on July 6th. Twelve days I had been in the darkness, and now that was over. I promised myself that I would never turn off the lights again.
I stared at the tray, wishing that more food would appear on it. When the try remained empty it made me indescribably empty. I actually saw red as the anger coursed through me. I shoved the empty tray off the beside table onto the floor, and a strangled scream wrenched itself out of my throat as I watched the glasses the juice had been in shatter on the ground. I sunk further into the bed, panting like some sort of animal as the anger slowly drifted out of me.
When I stopped being angry, I realized just how much pain there was radiating throughout my body. My eyes began to prick with tears once more, but I refused to cry. I didn't ever want to cry again. So I lay very still, willing the tears away, and waiting for the pain to recede. It took a while for me to be able to relax my muscles and breathe normally again. I had just let my body slump into the mattress and pillows when I saw the door handle turning again and all of my muscles locked down again.
"Go away," I yelled toward the door.
"It's me Bianca," Albus said as he poked his head inside the doorway.
"You promised," I screamed, thrown everything within my reach at him, though the pillows hardly did much damage. "You promised me, but then you left me alone anyway. You left me alone and in the dark!"
"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I went to retrieve Madam Pomfrey."
"I don't care!" I screeched at him. "After everything, you couldn't keep one simple promise. Get away from me."
He pulled his head out of the doorway, and I almost breathed a sigh of relief, but then Madam Pomfrey took his place. I didn't even look at her; I rolled away so I wasn't facing the door anymore. I demanded that she go away as well, and I pulled the blankets up and over my head. I heard the muffled sound of the door clicking shut, and I was left to myself once more. I eventually drifted back to sleep.
When I awoke again the light was still on, and that kept me from slipping into an all-out panic again. The sun was up outside, and it was trying to stream in underneath the heavy curtains. I considered opening them, but it felt as if I would be opening myself up for someone to be able to see me. They might be able to get to me then. That made me anxious.
I slid out of bed, feeling a bit woozy as I wobbled my way back over to the wardrobe. I looked through the clothes again without any real thought of actually changing. I wanted to know more about this room. Whose had it been? Where had they gone? The clothes all seemed to be different types of robes, so it had clearly been the room of a witch. I pulled open all the drawers on the armoire, and I did find a few pairs of trousers, and t-shirts, but they were not in a style I would imagine a muggle wearing. They had a distinctly magical feel to them. There were undergarments in the drawer. They reminded me that I did need some, but I would not bring myself to wear something so intimate that had been worn by someone else.
I moved on to the vanity on the other side of the bed. There were a couple of pictures stuck into the edge of the mirror, but I didn't recognize any of the people in them moving about. There were several perfumes sitting on the vanity, and I sprayed one so I could smell it. They were all pretty awful. They smelled of an old woman, but as awful as they smelled, it was comforting to think of something so unimportant as the smell of perfume. It was much better than thinking about who might be coming to question me next.
I pulled open one of the drawers and it had a large supply of makeup in it. All of it was of the magical variety, and none of it looked like anything I had ever seen. I tried to open the drawer on the other side of the vanity, but it would not budge. I took one of the bobby pins from the makeup drawer and I tried to pick the lock. It had no effect, and the bobby pin came out mangled. I gave up and moved on to trying to simply pry the drawer open by force, but then someone knocked on the door.
"Go away," I growled over my shoulder, not giving up on my attempt to wrench the door open.
"Bianca, can I please come in?" Ginny's voice called through the door.
"Ginny?" I said in surprise, turning to look at the door. "Why are you where?"
"The whole family is here," she said, pushing the door open further so she could stand halfway into the room.
"Don't come in," I breathed shakily, backing into the vanity to recoup the space between us that she had taken. "Please. I don't want any visitors. I just want to know where we are."
"This is Sirius Black's house. It's called Grimmauld Place," she said, stepping back out into the hallway with her hands up in surrender. "This is Head Quarters for the Order."
I didn't say anything back right away so she left me. Voldemort had said something about the Order. What was the Order? It sounded very official, but I couldn't say where it had come from. Albus had never told me about an order, or at least I couldn't remember him doing so. But he must be involved with it for Voldemort to have been so curious right? Maybe it was an old group, since Voldemort knew of it. Did it stretch back to the last war, or had Harry told him about it. Where was Harry?
To get answers to those questions I was likely going to have to leave the room and I wasn't ready for that yet. I didn't know what would make me be ready for that. Right now I decided to focus on the drawer. That was a problem I could solve. I could solve it more easily if I had a wand, but I had never confirmed if Snape had been able to find it in the graveyard or not. I didn't know if I was ever getting it back, or id I wanted it. I yanked on the drawer harder, but it didn't budge. I kicked the vanity in frustration, but I immediately regretted it. I hooped away from the vanity on my one foot that wasn't throbbing in pain. Clearly moving around the room wasn't working for me either.
I was lying in the bed once more, wondering what was in that damn drawer when the door was pushed open again. I yelled at whoever it was, but they ignored me and opened it all the way anyway. I was surprised to see Severus Snape standing in the doorway. The screech bit off in my throat, dying out in a growl when I realized he was carrying a tray of food. This was a strikingly familiar position to be in, and somehow that made it almost okay for him to be in the room with me. Almost.
"Thank you," I said in a strangled voice as he set the try on the bedside table. "But please get out."
"No," he said simply, though he did back away from the bed and stand against the wall, his arms folded over his chest. "You should not be alone right not, and so I shall force my presence upon you while you eat. Nothing will make me leave this room."
"I suppose it fits," I sighed, gazing longingly at the tray and wondering if I could bring myself to refuse it just to get him to leave. "You have been my meal companion for a while now."
He didn't say anything, but the corner of his mouth turned in the tiniest of smirks. Then he went back to standing quietly by the wall watching me, and I went back to gazing at the food. Molly had out done herself, and far outstripped anything Snape had been able to sneak in to me in the past. There was more food that there had been on the last tray. It looked as if there must be a whole days food on the tray, perhaps no one wanted to be faced with having me scream at them multiple times a day.
There was an entire jug of pumpkin juice this time, and far more food than any one person could eat in one sitting. I was happy to see that there wasn't any bread on this platter; Snape must have mentioned that I'd had enough of that in the dungeon I decided to make my best effort at eating everything on the tray, and gathered up a spoon full of the best eggs I had ever tasted. I thought maybe I should apologize to Molly for screaming at her when he eggs were so good, but I didn't think I'd be able to stop myself. Every time someone tried to come into the room I started screaming. IT was an impulse control issue or something.
I gave up on the food when I was beyond stuffed, and I rolled over to lie on my stomach in the middle of the bed. I was incredibly tired again, and I admittedly wasn't feeling very well. What was wrong with me? For a moment I lay there with my eyes closed just trying not to think, but then I was forcefully reminded of the fact that Snape was in the room when I felt him cast a spell. My head snapped up and I stared at him.
"Just a stasis charm on the food," he drawled. "I won't be forcing magic on you whilst here. I will however offer the opinion that you really ought accept medical attention."
"I don't want anyone to touch me," I admitted quietly, letting my head rest on the bed once more while I stared at him.
"Poppy is always gentle, and you rather need it," he pointed out. "I could remain in the room if you wished."
"She'd probably take off my clothes… to get at the more intimate injuries." I sighed. "That would be awkward for both of us."
"That is a very good point," he said and that almost smile appeared again. "I wont' stay then, but you should allow her entrance.'
"I will try," I conceded tiredly, letting my eyes drift closed.
"That is all I can ask," he said quietly.
I heard his soft footsteps cross back to the door and then he was gone. I lay there, eyes still closed; trying to assess my body and ascertain what all was injured. I could feel that something must be torn inside of me. I could feel that many areas were bruised, such as my legs, my arms, and my eye. My muscles felt strained and sore, but could not even compare to the ache in my wrists and ankles. My head felt heavy and I had a headache that didn't ever seem to fade away. Nothing felt like it should, and that just made me much more tired.
My assessment was interrupted when there was a soft knock at the door. I turned so I could see the door but I didn't say anything. I waited, wondering whom it would be outside the door. This was the first person to actually knock first. Maybe if I pretended to be asleep they would just go away.
"Bianca, I know that you don't want visitors," Madam Pomfrey's soft voice called through the door. "But I really do need to treat your injuries."
Hadn't I all but told Snape that I would let her in? I sighed, and tried to gather my courage.
"If I let you come in, no one else is allowed to come with you," I said barely louder than a mumbled. "I'm only letting you in to fix my headache."
"Okay," she agreed easily, and I knew it was because she had no intention of sticking to the second rule.
She pushed the door open and moved slowly as she entered. She closed the door, and for a moment just looked at me and I got the impression she was trying not to startle me. She set her bag on the end of the bed as she came closer to me, and again she paused.
"Can you roll onto your back please?" she asked me quietly.
I did as she asked and she gasped. I thought perhaps when I had been searching the vanity I should have taken a look at myself. My face, or something about my appearance in general seemed to be quite upsetting to her. She leaned in to touch my face, and I flinched. I could pretend it was because of the pain, but it was really because someone was touching me.
I tried to fade into the back of my mind as she began to examine me. It had been much easier in the dungeon prison cell to hide away from reality, but here in the harsh light of day I couldn't seem to do it. I was very aware of having someone in my space, and I couldn't hadn't it. I began to hyperventilate, and before I really knew what I was saying I was begging for Snape to come back. She tried to soothe me, but the second the tears started to fall she hurried to the door and called out his name in the hallways. It did not take long for him to materialize in the room.
He came over and quickly took my hand into his and though it probably shouldn't have that soothed me. I looked up at his calm face while she went back to work and I copied his pattern of breathing. She eventually began to wave her wand above me, and I felt the level of pain I was in diminish considerably. She started to pull the robe around delicately as she worked so she could apply salves to my skin without leaving me exposed.
"Eyes closed now I think," I said to Snape, and I was surprised that he complied immediately.
I was grateful for the courtesy they were both offering me, but I could not find my voice to say it. I imagined she must be putting some sort of bruise past on me after the way I had arrived in this building, but I didn't look to see. I didn't want to know if my skin was covered in burns. I just wanted all the pain to stop.
She directed my to bend my legs at the knee and to spread them apart to make room for her. I didn't have to ask how she knew that I needed healing there when I was sitting in a puddle of blood. I was very grateful that Snape had his eyes closed when she pushed the robes out of her way and got to work. He did not so much as flinch when I crushed his hand in mine when I felt her gloved hand against my most offensive injury. She applied a spell and a potion, and the pain faded away to nothing, but it did not change how invasive it all felt. She pulled my robes back down to cover me before casting a spell that vanished all of my blood from places that it shouldn't be.
She helped me delicately to sit up, and then she gave me two potions to take. I imagined she must have told me what they were. She always did in the past, but I hadn't been listening to what she was saying for some time now. She put the empty containers in her bag, and then she produced a pair of sweats, a t-shirt, and undergarments, and she set them on the bed before she left. Snape, hearing the door, delicately squeezed my hand once before withdrawing his own and following Madam Pomfrey out of the room.
After the door closed, I looked down at the clothes. I recognized them. They were my clothes. I smiled; it was a nice gesture to get them for me even if I hadn't been nice to here. I ditched the robe that was far too big on me, and pulled on my own clothes. It made things a little better, but it also made them a little more difficult. Once I had them on, I realized that the shirt was one Cedric had bought for me when he and his family went to Spain. I tried not to cry when I realized that, but I failed. Sobs wracked through me, and it hurt. It hurt physically, but emotionally as well. It hurt in ways that didn't even make sense to me. Someone opened the door while I was crying.
"Get out," I yelled through my tears, though it came out somewhat garbled.
"I'm not leaving," Albus said in a firm voice, even though his eyes were soft.
"I don't want you here," I hiccoughed at him.
"I know you don't," he said calmly. "But you shouldn't be alone right now."
"Please," I sobbed. "Please just leave."
"No," he said in the same firm voice. "I brought your guitar. Maybe you'd rather sing than talk. I can't just sit downstairs not knowing what is going on up here."
"Yes you can," I growled at him, swiping angrily at my tears. "You can go sit down there and wonder if someone is going to come help you. You can sit down there for twelve days, and then maybe I will let you in here. Now get OUT!"
"I love you Bianca," he said quietly. "I'll leave you alone for now, if that's what you really want, but I need you to know that I love you."
"I love you too," I sighed. "But I don't want to see you right now."
He slipped out of the room, and the door clicked shut behind him. I buried my face in the pillow and I cried some more. I cried until I fell asleep. Then I slept for a very long time.
