WARNING: Insane angst ahead, as per usual. However it has a happy ending this time!


Chapter Fifty Three

Healing

A slew of words came spilling out, and for a long time – perhaps it was hours – James and Sirius sat in the middle of the woods, and James spoke.

"For the longest time," said James in a quiet, shaking voice, but a voice all the same, "for the longest time I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe that my dad was dead, because my dad..my whole life my dad was always there. No matter what happened, no matter what might happen to us, my dad was always there. He never cried, he never flinched, he was always..just..there. And now he's..not. And for a long time I couldn't believe it. Because when Remus, and Peter, when they were here and we were all together nothing seemed real. Even when we were all quiet, even when we were all just thinking, I could never wrap my mind around it.

"I would lie in bed for hours at night, saying to myself, over and over and over, that my dad was dead, that my dad was dead, that my dad was dead. But I would never quite understand it. I would try to work through it, try to convince myself that I no longer had a dad. I kept telling myself that nothing was going to be the same, that it would always be different, that I was never going to be happy again..but I didn't believe it.

"And then – just after Remus and Peter left – it hit me so damn hard, that I didn't have a dad, everything I was convincing myself of came rushing back to me..and it scared me, it scared the hell out of me, the thought that I might never smile again, the thought that I would never be – be a Marauder again..and I was shocked and terrified and the idea just got all the words out of me.."

"James, you know – " Sirius began, but James plunged on.

"All that time I was silent, all that time I had disappeared, I was drowning, the whole time, I was drowning in my grief and sadness and hate – I had hate there, there was always hate, hate for Voldemort, hate for Death Eaters, hate for myself, hate for my dad, for dying, hate for my mum, for being okay, hate for you, for wanting me to talk, hate for Remus and Peter, for leaving, hate for Andromeda, and Snape, and McGonagall, and Evans and Dumbledore and the whole entire world. I just hated them, hated them all. I tried that, for a bit – I tried to submerge myself into my hate and anger and fury because I thought it would stop the pain a bit, but it didn't work. There was always that pain, that burning feeling inside my chest that told me I was not okay. Right here, cross my chest, it was burning and smoldering, like there used to be a rock there, keeping me together, safe and happy and perfect and okay and when I realized that my dad died it exploded into a hundred million pieces and it filled me with fire. And I wanted it to stop stop stop but it never never never would, I thought, it would be there, it would be there forever, and I was drowning in it, drowning in a black ocean and I could – not – get – out.

"And so..I didn't try. I stopped, I just let myself drown in it. I would disappear each morning, hide into the woods, places my dad had never seen, you know, and just sit there rolling in my grief, and it felt horrible but it was all I could do. And now..and now.."

All at once James stopped talking, as if he had quite run out of words.

There was a long time of silence, and then Sirius, who had still been trying to wrap his head around the fact that Andromeda was running away to be with Ted Tonks before this new information had come to him, finally absorbed everything, and he looked at James square in the eyes and heaved a great big sigh that summed up everything that had been going on all summer.

"Yeah, well," said Sirius heavily, "everything you've ever thought was a lie, wasn't it, because you are going to be happy again, you just..needed some..time."

The boys looked at each other.

And they smiled.

"Well," said James, standing up and brushing his hands together, "I am glad that's over, truly I am.."

Sirius blinked. "Wait, what?"

"Yeah – " said James professionally – "I think that's about it. I'm done with grief and the like. In books and stories and the like people are 'never the same' but I think I will be, actually. I mean, a month of silence, Si, it takes a lot outta ya, and that whole speech I just gave..yep, I think I'll be just fine now."

"Really?" said Sirius dubiously.

"Yes," said James, and his smile was real, it reached his eyes, his hazel eyes were sparkling once more, and Sirius felt a smile spring to his own face. "I do believe all I needed was to get that out..

"Y'know, I'd better go talk to my mum, she'll be worried sick..more tears, maybe, and then.."

James took a breath and began walking out of the forest, and the spring was back in his step and Sirius knew that his best friend was now just fine.

"Then we're all going to be just fine."

That evening, after many tears and talking with Mrs. Potter, James came into his bedroom, where Sirius had been waiting, quite sure that the mother/son talk should be primarily between mother/son.

"How'd it go?" Sirius asked as James collapsed on his bed, burying his face in a pillow.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh," groaned James.

"That bad?"

"Actually," said James, lifting his face, "it went quite well, considering. It's just that my vocal cords are not designed for so much crying."

"Well they will if – " Sirius began, but cut himself off quickly. "Okay, cool."

James threw a pillow lazily at him. "Sirius, you can joke round," he said tiredly. "I told you, I'm done with grief. Honestly I am. I've been stuck in it for a whole month and honestly, it's not that fun of a place. Give me the Bahamas any day, any time."

Sirius studied James. "Are you really.."

"Yep, I'm done," said James, propping himself up on his elbows. "Mum is, too. We've cried ourselves out pretty much. I mean, I guess that point in time, the exact day Dad died, will always be a sore bit, and I'm not gonna tell any old Joe on the street about him, and of course I'll always be a little – you know – when dads come up or whatever – blimey, I'm not making any sense, am I? Anyway, Sirius, seriously, I'm fine, I'm ready to laugh again – I want to laugh again. So make your joke."

"I can't even remember it now," said Sirius after a moment.

They laughed, anyways.

"What's that?" asked Sirius after a moment, pointing to something he hadn't noticed before.

"Oh, this?" said James, touching the leather cord around his neck. Dangling from it was a small grey stone, with the initials J.P carved into it. "Well, it was my dad's – no, not exactly, my dad bought it when I was born and he was gonna give it to me on my sixteenth birthday but.." James bit his lip, "well, that plan was ruined, I s'pose. So, Mum gave it to me just now, said I might as well have it at this point. I don't actually plan on taking it off, ever."

Sirius smiled and rolled onto his back. "That's cool," he said. "Really it is..HEY I remembered my joke!"

"What was it?"

"I said you'd better get used to crying because Evans will never, ever go out with you."

James jumped onto Sirius's bed and punched him in the nose.

"That," he said, "is the most insensitive thing you could possibly say, do you know that?"

But he was grinning.

Later that night, when the lights were off, James's voice rose through the dark.

"What did Andromeda say, then?"

Sirius rolled over.

"My..my parents.." his voice trailed off. "My God, I hate my parents," he muttered.

"What did they do now?" asked James, sitting up.

"They want me and Reg to be Death Eaters," said Sirius tonelessly. "That was why they wanted me home for Christmas..they were going to talk to me..get me used to the idea..but after Christmas, and the whole fish thing, that plan was temporarily spoiled. But only temporarily.."

Fireworks went off in James's brain. "What?" he spat. "Those – "

"Don't start, James," said Sirius wearily. "It's been a long day. Can't we verbally abuse my parents in the morning, please?"

James sighed. "I hate them," he said quickly, then added, "yeah, all right, sure.."

A silence passed.

"Andromeda's getting married," came Sirius's voice through the dark.

James gasped. "What?"

"I don't mind as much as I thought I would," said Sirius quietly. "Y'know..I sort of..want her to be happy. And it's not like I'll never see her again, really..so.." He smiled. "I think we're all gonna be all right."

"Yeah," said James, smiling, and he meant it, "yeah, we're all gonna be just fine."


Well, happier..

So this isn't strictly the end of the sadness. Of course it's not as perfect as James says; there'll be some awkward moments, but chiefly, everything's gonna be okay now :)

You have no idea how insanely happy I was to be over with the extreme sadness. I'm sick of it, honestly. Not that there's not more ahead - I have quite a bit planned -evil laugh-

WHY AM I UPDATING You may ask! I mean I never update. The answer is IT'S SNOWING AAAAAAAAGH IT'S SNOWING IT'S REALLY REALLY SNOWING! YAY YAY YAY!

That's all. OFF TO EAT BREAKFAST BYE.