Chapter 50

Sydney let her index finger graze over the edge of the white envelope as she sat on her bed. It was a plain white envelope with the name Nadia Santos written on the front. Sydney held it firmly knowing that it held deep emotions within it. She imagined it would make Nadia emotional to read it and that idea pained Sydney. But nonetheless, there were things she needed Nadia to know and hoped that perhaps this was the first step in finding peace for both of them.

Sydney took a deep sigh as she sat there. She was waiting for her father. She wasn't really looking forward to seeing him except to give him the letter. She trusted him to take it to Nadia, knowing he wouldn't look inside and would ensure she got it. Sydney could feel her nerves twitching inside her, both for seeing her father again and for the letter. Sydney had seen her father about a week ago and she imagined it would be just as awkward today.

"Sydney?" Jack said as he lightly knocked on the door.

"Hi," Sydney said as she tried to steady her nervous breath. She realized at that moment how stupid it was that she was nervous at the presence of her father.

"How are you feeling?" Jack asked hesitantly, worrying that he might trigger her bitterness at being in the hospital.

"I'm fine. I've been fine, dad." As far as being sick was concerned, she was positive that statement was true, though she never thought she was sick in the first place. But nonetheless, she realized she was less distraught than when she first arrived. But still, things were not well. She was in the hospital after all and things with Nadia were not going well.

"That's good to hear. Have they been treating you alright?" Jack asked.

"I guess. I haven't had any problems really. Still, I don't think its necessary for me to be here."

"Sydney-"

"I know, dad. This is the only way you could keep me out of prison. But dad, I'm not sick anymore. I take my medication and I'm as clear headed as before. I promise you, I am fine now." She didn't mean it. She knew she was never sick. But she had to say it to get him off her back, to appease him and the rest of them.

"I'm glad to hear that. But nonetheless, you have to stay here until the doctors assess that you are ready to leave. I imagine it will be awhile until that happens," Jack explained.

"I don't understand that. I mean if I am no longer sick, than why keep me here?" Sydney asked with frustration.

"They want to be sure, Sydney. You have to understand that you murdered someone, regardless of who that person was. The CIA needs assurance that you are alright."

"And they can have assurance. Look at me. I'm okay now. I haven't hallucinated in weeks. I haven't been violent. I am insightful. Look at me, dad. Isn't that all the assurance they need?"

"You know it isn't, Sydney."

"No one trusts me anymore. It will never be the same anymore. Have I lost my status in the CIA forever?" Sydney asked with sorrow for her old life.

"I doubt the agency will ever allow you back after this," Jack said regretfully.

Sydney looked down at the floor as she swallowed her emotions. The idea that her old life was gone for good was something that she could never be okay with. She was Agent Sydney Bristow. The idea that she would never be that person again, the idea of that person being dead, was a harsh reality for her.

"I'm sorry, Sydney. I know it must be hard for you," Jack said.

She wanted to scream out that he could never know how hard it was, that he would never understand what it was like to have your whole identity ripped out of your hands, but she bit her tongue. She knew remaining calm and sane was the only way she could get out of this mess.

"I just wish things could be different."

"I know you do, Sydney. For what its worth, I will always be here for you. You won't loose me regardless of anything else you might have lost," Jack told her.

A tear formed in Sydney's eyes. At that moment, she realized her father was not her enemy. He was one of the only things she had left in her life. He was the only link she had to her old life. Perhaps he would help her once she escaped. He always swore he would protect her, she thought. Nevertheless, she had to keep her mouth shut about escaping. She had to behave herself.

"Dad, there's something I need you to do for me."

"What's that?"

"I wrote this letter to Nadia. Can you see that she gets it?"

Jack paused as Sydney held out the white envelope. He knew Nadia was in a lot of pain and giving her this letter would likely cause her more pain. But he had to do it for Sydney even if he knew it would probably never help. Nadia was done with Sydney. Jack doubted she would ever move on from this. He had little faith in people and this was no different.

"Okay." Jack took the letter and put it in his inner jacket pocket. "You probably want to get some rest don't you?" Jack asked, figuring he had outstayed his welcome.

"Dad, you don't have to go. I mean unless you are busy," Sydney said.

"I'm never too busy for you, Sydney." Sydney smiled at that.

She moved over and made room for her father on the bed. He was surprised at the gesture, but he quickly took the opportunity and sat down.

"So, what do you do here during the day?"

"Honestly, nothing. There really isn't much to do here."

"I'm sorry," Jack responded.

"Its not your fault. Mostly I just talk with my friend Meaghan."

"You've made a friend?" Jack asked.

"Yeah. Its nice to have someone on my side here. We've been growing close over the last few weeks." Sydney smiled as she thought about Meaghan.

"I'm glad for you, Sydney. You deserve to have someone in your life."

"I do miss everyone else though. Vaughn, Weiss, Dixon, Marshall… Nadia. How are they all?"

"Everyone is fine. Things at work aren't that much different, although we are a bit short staffed right now," Jack explained.

"Because of me and Sloane being gone?" Jack nodded. "Are Eric and Nadia still together?"

"Yes. Nadia has moved in with him." Sydney smiled. "Nadia found it too hard to be at your apartment." Her smile faded into a frown. She quickly looked down. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

"Its okay, dad. I can handle the truth. How is Nadia?"

"She's had a rough time of it. But Agent Weiss has been helping her through the rough times. I know you want to see her, but Sydney, I don't think its going to happen. She's just not in a place to see you right now. I'm sorry."

"I know, but I need to tell her some things. I tried to phone her but she wouldn't listen, hence the letter. I know she won't forgive me. Its not about that. I simply need to tell her how sorry I am, I need to explain to her what happened."

"I know you do, Sydney. I will give her the letter."

"Thanks, dad."

"You haven't asked about Vaughn," Jack noted.

"Things didn't go well when I saw him last. I mean, I think about him all the time. But I don't think I can forgive him yet for how things were last time we saw each other."

"Yes, I heard what happened. He's been asking to see you. I haven't given him the opportunity to see you though. I figured it would be too hard," Jack explained.

"It would be. Thanks." Sydney smiled. Things with her father were improving. She was actually starting to feel more comfortable around him. He was her father, not her enemy. She could feel that now.

"Sydney, if you don't want to see someone, I will make sure you don't have to," Jack said firmly.

"Thanks, dad." Sydney smiled lightly at him. For the first time in a long time, she actually felt love for him instead of bitterness. She had her father back. Her eyes lit up at that thought. She had her father.