Oh baby, can't you see
It's shinin' just for you
Loneliness is over
Dark days are through
They're through
Let me be your everlasting light
"Everlasting Light" by The Black Keys
"You're texting Ben again."
Rey freezes, looking up at Rose and Kaydel guiltily from where she's seated on her couch, her legs underneath her and her right thumb hovering over the screen of her phone. "Um."
Rose's gaze narrows a little, although there's a hint of amusement in the quirk of her mouth. "It's Girl's Night."
"Why do you keep saying that when I'm right here?" Finn is sitting on the floor, back pressed against Rose's legs and a glass of wine in his hand.
Rose nudges him with her knee, stern expression melting into one of amusement. "You're an honorary member."
"Great."
Rey's phone vibrates in her hand, and she immediately swipes across the screen to see Ben's text. It's a hastily taken picture of some background portraits he's working on for the next Knights of Ren volume. Rey smiles down at the image, nibbling a bit on her fingernail.
She zooms in on the picture in order to take in all the beautiful details and colors, not noticing the quiet that's descended upon her living room.
"Aren't you and Ben hanging out tomorrow?"
Rey's head jerks up at Kaydel's question and finds her roommate watching her with a smirk.
Rey nods, biting her bottom lip and trying not to let on to how completely and utterly nervous she is.
It's been a week. An entire week since Ben Solo swept back into her life. And they've talked all day every day since. And tomorrow…
Tomorrow they're finally going to hang out. Which means that when Rey showers tonight she's going to shave everything.
"Well that'll be fun," Kaydel says with a knowing smile, sipping from her own glass of wine and picking up the remote for the television.
"According to Poe, Ben has been talking about it all week." Finn spins the wine in his glass and sniffs at it, wincing.
Rey opens her mouth, but Rose beats her to the punch. "Poe tells you stuff about Ben?"
Finn shrugs, clearly not understanding what he's just revealed. "I mean, sometimes. Not everything, but a good chunk of stuff."
Rey and Rose stare at him for several long, drawn out moments.
"What?" Finn takes a hurried sip of his wine, as if he can hide behind the glass.
"You could have been doing reconnaissance for us this whole time!" Rose sounds just as indignant as Rey feels.
"I promised Poe I wouldn't repeat most of what he tells me. And he's my boyfriend."
Rose kicks at Finn in irritation. "Yeah, and we've been your best friends since seventh grade! We invited you to Girl's Night!"
"I am not a part of Girl's Night!"
"You got pedicures with us last week!"
Rey grins into her hand as her two best friends descend further into their petty argument. In five minutes they'll be back to debating over what kind of pizza to order.
She uses this opportunity to text Ben back.
Rey can barely sleep that night.
Rey sighs as she parks, eyeing the familiar building with equal parts amusement, excitement, and dread.
Ben had suggested they start their day by…going to the gym. And Rey isn't sure why she's surprised by this suggestion, but she had been expecting something a little more…romantic, she supposes. Something involving a lot less sweat. She would wonder if maybe she misread some of Ben's physical signals last Saturday at the art show, but that interview had changed everything. It's pretty damning. In the best way.
Rey hasn't mentioned to Ben yet that she's read it. She's waiting for the right moment, and over text was most decidedly not it.
She climbs out of her car, walking into the gym at a quick pace. She's running a few minutes behind, and she technically should update her account and sign another waver, as she hasn't been here in four and a half years. But the owner waves her in as soon as she walks through the front door, calling out an enthusiastic greeting in the process.
What kills Rey is if she'd stayed at this gym then she would have run into Ben a long time ago. He'd returned as soon as he was done serving his sentence.
She walks into the main room, feeling relatively cute in an old pair of black leggings and a tight fitting black, long-sleeved Under Armor shirt. Ben hears the door slam shut behind her and turns, happy smile already on his face and a greeting on his lips—
But nothing comes out of his mouth when he sees her. The way his gaze sweep over her, unabashed and pointedly, makes her skin feel heated in this drafty warehouse. If she felt cute before, she feels downright alluring now. Amazing, how one look from Ben can make her feel this way.
Rey clears her throat, dropping her gym bag at her feet and gesturing to the punching bags. "H-Hey."
She nearly cringes at how breathless she sounds. This is going to be the longest workout of her life.
He smiles at her, eyes soft. "Hey."
Rey is going to die.
She's going to die.
Ben has taken off his shirt which, okay, she's seen him without a shirt countless times before. In this very gym no less! But it's different now. Seventeen-year-old Rey had felt endlessly embarrassed by her own ogling, and had no idea what she would do with the sweat slick expanse of pale skin that Ben is so kindly displaying for her.
But now Rey is nearly twenty-three and knows exactly what she'd do. She'd begin with licking along that scar, starting from his collarbone then working her way up his neck and to his jaw. Ben would taste salty, because of the sweat, but tangy, maybe. Delicious. Or she could start at his collarbone and work her way down. That would be vastly more interesting and would lead to particularly exciting results—
"Are you okay?"
Rey blinks stupidly at Ben and realizes with slowly dawning horror that she's basically just standing by her punching bag, staring at him.
She swallows, mouth dry. "Fine."
She immediately excuses herself to the bathroom.
When Rey emerges, she's stripped off her shirt for two reasons. The first is that she's grown kind of sweaty and hot even though this stupid gym still has no heat. The second is that without a shirt she's left in just her hot pink sports bra.
And Rey knows she looks good. She'd randomly gone up a cup size when she'd turned twenty, which had been annoying at the time because she'd had to get rid of all her old bras and buy new ones.
Now it's great!
And Ben's reaction is worth whatever embarrassment she might have felt at being caught gazing earlier. He's in the process of executing a roundhouse and he must catch sight of her out of the corner of his eye because he just sort of awkwardly wobbles on one foot before stumbling back a couple of steps.
Rey barely represses her smirk. She grabs her battered old gloves and yanks them back on, trying very hard not to look up at Ben.
She fails, glancing in his direction as she moves in front of her bag and prepares to start a series of crosses and jabs. Ben is staring right at her, eyes greedily roaming over every inch of the skin she's decided to expose.
He catches her catching him. And five years ago he would've instantly turned away, horrified with himself. But now one corner of his mouth quirks up in a boyish half-smile.
And Rey smiles right back.
"I have the rest of the day off," Rey says. She and Ben are standing in the parking lot, workout done and shirts disappointingly back on. It's been over five minutes and neither of them have moved toward their respective cars.
"Me too." Ben takes a half step toward her before shoving his hands into the pockets of his gym shorts. Rey gets the distinct impression that he's trying not to seem too eager.
Rey shrugs with both shoulders and toes at the ground, trying not to let on to her own eagerness. She looks up at him, raising her hand to shield her eyes from the sun. "We could see where the day takes us?"
Ben nods. "That sounds find to me." He gestures to his body and attire. "Although I smell."
Rey laughs. "So do I. We'll be smelly together."
Ben's mouth spreads into a proper smile, and Rey feels her heartbeat pick up at how lovely it is. Today is going to be torture.
He pulls out his car keys and jerks his head toward his Camaro. The fact that he's kept it and hasn't upgraded to something nicer now that he's out of prison and sporting a successful artist's salary makes something warm spread across Rey's chest. "Together."
"How have you not listened to this CD yet? You own it."
Ben makes a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat and shrugs one shoulder, gaze focused on the road in front of him. "I bought a lot of CD's after I got out. I haven't made it through them all yet."
"I guess that's fair," Rey grumbles half-heartedly, sliding the CD into the car's stereo.
The first song starts up. It's one of Rey's current favorites, and after the first thirty seconds or so she can see Ben bobbing his head along to the music. Rey smiles down at her lap, pleased.
A driver cuts Ben off, forcing him to slam on his brakes to avoid rear ending them. Rey braces her hand on the dashboard as her body slumps forcibly forward with the momentum.
She looks at Ben, half expecting him to unbuckle his seat belt and scream threats out the window. Instead he grips the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles go white, letting out a stream of colorful, creative profanities.
Rey grins.
Somethings change. And some things stay the same.
First they go to a pet store because Ben is thinking seriously about getting a dog. He lets Rey pick out three puppies for him to hold before sighing dejectedly and shaking his head.
"I think I want to adopt from a shelter. Take home some poor bastard who just wants a friend." They're walking out of the store and back toward his car.
"Are you projecting onto a dog?"
"Brat." Ben reaches out and chucks her chin, and Rey hums at the brief contact. Ben pauses, eyes drifting from her mouth down to her neck. He visibly swallows.
It's going to be a long day for them both, she expects.
By the time they walk into a Target, the air between them has shifted. Less awkward-friendly and more flirtatious-friendly. Rey filled him in on getting her job with Ahsoka on the car ride over, and Ben in turn told her about the process of getting published from prison. And then Rey, barely keeping a straight face while doing so, had asked him if he'd had a prison-boyfriend. "You know, to combat the loneliness."
He'd given her a very serious look from the driver's seat. "His name was Mitaka."
Rey had felt the stunned shock on her own face, and Ben had kept his serious expression up for another fifteen or so seconds before he'd crumbled into laughter.
That had happened less than twenty minutes ago and Rey has already turned it into a running joke. They've made their way into the clothes department, and she keeps grabbing up nice button-down shirts and holding them out to Ben.
"Don't you want to look good for Mitaka?"
They walk past the perfume and cologne aisle. Rey holds up a bottle of something that smells like motor oil. "Don't you want to smell good for Mitaka?"
There's a whole section of the store already devoted to Valentine's Day, even though it's not for another month. "Look, they have Valentine cards out. Let's pick out one you can send to Mitaka."
Ben eyes her for a long moment. "I'd rather pick one out for you," he says nonchalantly, gently shouldering past her and walking up to the display.
She gapes at him, feeling herself flush from head to toe.
Rey is trying on hats in front of a mirror for fun, Ben off looking at sunglasses, when some guy starts hitting on her.
This happens often enough, of course. It's a simple part of being female.
"I like your hair," the guys says, leaning his hip against the wall that Rey is standing beside. Rey had twisted her hair into three buns this morning, and they were a little messy from her time spent at the gym.
"Thanks," she answers, voice crisp and disinterested.
"Your pants are cool too."
"They're leggings."
"They're nice—"
Ben, who had walked up to them so silently Rey hadn't even heard his approach, forces his entire body between Rey and the random guy, looking down at her and shoving some random hat onto her head that he'd haphazardly grabbed.
"Try this one on."
The guy who'd been hitting on Rey has to press himself flush against the wall and slowly scoot out from behind Ben, staring up at him the entire time with wide eyes.
Ben doesn't spare him a glance. Doesn't even turn his head in his direction.
Rey catches sight of her reflection in the mirror. The hat Ben had picked out at random was not great. She blanches, then laughs. "Oh wow, I look awful."
"Well, you're beautiful so that's impossible," Ben states matter-of-factly. He removes the hat from her head and walks away to return it to the display he'd grabbed it from.
Leaving Rey to press her fists to her mouth in order not to let out an audible squeal.
Ten minutes later they're cutting through the book and magazine aisle in order to get to the front of the store. Rey hooks her hand around Ben's elbow and pulls him into a stop.
"Look!"
Several copies of Knights of Ren are on display. It must be pretty popular, to be found here and not just at a bookstore and online.
Ben blinks at it, looking awed.
Rey gently squeezes his arm and he shifts his focus onto her.
She smiles a little, feeling herself grow emotional. She gestures to his novels. "I'm really proud of you, you know."
He stares down at her for a long moment before pulling her forward and wrapping her up in his arms. He tucks her head underneath his chin and she presses the side of her face to his chest, basking in how the warmth of his body seeps into hers.
"Thank you, kid." His chests rumbles along with the sound of his voice, and Rey hugs him closer, as if she can never get enough.
Around late afternoon they finally stop for something to eat, both too nervous and caught up in their own emotions to be hungry before now.
They pull into the old diner not too far from Maz and the home, and Rey smiles at the sight of the old building, pleasant memories rushing back to her. She hasn't really been back here since Ben went away.
Ben slides into the booth before her, and Rey, feeling bold, slides in next to him instead of across. She all but presses the side of her body against him, and when she risks a glance up at his face she finds him watching her with dark eyes and an unreadable expression.
The waitress takes their drink order, and suddenly all the playful energy has dissipated into something more serious and subdued. It makes Rey feel anxious and unsure, even though she knows, of course she knows, that eventually they were going to have to Talk About Things. She had just been hoping for a few more hours of peace.
Ben heaves a deep sigh from beside her. He's quiet for a beat. Then: "Tell me about the boyfriend you had."
Rey cringes.
"I'm curious," Ben explains. "I just… I just want to know if he made you happy."
Rey swallows, because this is a conversation she desperately doesn't want to have with Ben. She doesn't want to say anything that could possibly hurt him.
But he's looking at her in that imploring way of his, and he's pressed himself against her too, and well…
She tells him about Ryan. And Ben actually takes everything pretty well, listening to her intently and twisting the wrapper of his straw around his fingers.
She tells him about the few petty fights they had. She tells him about the time he'd tried to plan a surprise 20th birthday party for her but had spilled the beans by accident the day before. She tells him about how he was a fantastic graphic artist, and that he'd been hired by a really nice company and had moved out to California. He still texts her memes. She tells Ben about the time Ryan surprised her with a trip to the beach, so she could see the ocean for the first time—
"He took you to the ocean?" Ben interrupts.
Rey pauses, caught a little off guard by the way Ben's entire body has tensed. "Yeah, it was—"
She cuts herself off at the look on Ben's face, at how he's staring intensely down at the table top.
"It was the worst," she lies, throwing her hands up. "And god, the sand! It's coarse and rough and irritating. And it gets everywhere—"
"That should have been me," Ben says softly, causing the rest of Rey's sentence to die between her lips.
"Ben—"
"That should have been me," he repeats. "I should have been the one to take you to the beach for the first time."
And Rey doesn't really know what to say to that. "You weren't there," she says simply, choosing to stuff her mouth with a massive bite of the cheeseburger she ordered. "Don't worry about it."
Ben broods for the rest of the fucking meal, barely eating his own food. By the time Rey is finished with her own plate she is exasperated.
"Will you knock it off!" Rey finally looses her cool when they're walking across the parking lot toward Ben's car.
He pauses, staring moodily down at his shoes.
Rey decides that the best thing to do in that moment is distract him. "Listen, I've had a really awesome day with you." That makes his head snap up. "So, I don't know, do you want to watch a movie or something? I haven't seen The Hobbit yet and I know you own it—"
Ben bristles, looing affronted. "You haven't seen The Hobbit yet?"
"That's what I just said."
He reaches out and takes her gently by the elbow, pulling her to him and setting a quick pace the rest of the walk to his car. "You should have said something sooner."
Rey snorts, causing Ben to glance down at her with a raised eyebrow. She bites at her bottom lip. "I'm glad you're still a Tolkien nerd. It's one of the many things I love about you."
The tender look he gives her makes Rey want to duck her head in shyness.
Ben has his own house in a nice, quiet neighborhood. It's a little bizarre, but Rey kind of loves it.
His house is sparse of things, but the furniture he's picked out for himself is tasteful. Art and framed posters hang on the walls, and Rey allows herself a few moments to wander around the lower level so that she can take in everything.
"I haven't finished hanging everything up yet. And, uh, I still need to get a dining table…"
Rey turns to where Ben is lingering in his kitchen, watching her with both apprehension and wonder. As if he can't quite believe that she's here. She moves over to where he's leaning against his fridge, brushes her fingertips against his shoulder before hopping up on the countertop.
"I like your house," she says simply, swinging her legs back and forth and gently bumping her heels against the cabinets underneath.
Ben nods, gaze flicking down to her legs. Her leggings cut off a little below her knee, baring her calves.
"You're only the third person to come here. First was my mom—" he brushes over this admission quickly, as if he'd rather not talk about it yet "—then Poe." He moves his eyes away from her partially bare legs and back to her face. "And now you."
He shifts a little closer to her.
And Rey…Rey's brain is partially scrambled. She can feel her body coming alive at the way he's looking at her, as if he'd like to peel off her leggings as well as any scrap of clothing she might be wearing underneath.
But there's still one thing she knows she needs to ask him about. The final thing that should, hopefully, bring everything to light.
"I read that interview."
Ben stills.
"That very first one you did, after you were released."
He nods slowly.
"To the moon and back." Rey stops swinging her legs and leans backward, bracing her hands on either side of her. She hesitates, because there's no coming back from what they're about to talk about and what if she's gotten everything wrong, all wrong—
"I meant it then," Ben says. "And I still mean it now."
All the breath whooshes out of her body and she gapes at him, aware of how she's beginning to tremble. "What changed?" she breathes, voice much steadier then she feels. "While you were in prison, why did your feelings ch—"
"Nothing changed." Ben moves towards her until her knees brush against his thighs. "I loved you before I served my sentence and I love you now."
Rey…can't breathe very well.
He trails his hand up her arm until it's at her shoulder. "But you were too young and I was too fucked up." He looks her in the eye, tucks some hair behind her ear. "I'm still kind of fucked up," he whispers.
Rey wraps her fingers around his wrist, holding his hand against her neck. She wonders if he can feel how much her pulse is jumping for him.
"What you said to me that day you visited," he continues. "I thought about it every day. Every single day. Because you were right. I needed help, and I needed to be better for myself. And I guess I did pick myself back up, in the end. With the Knights of Ren and all." He traces the tip of his thumb along her lower lip. "But ultimately you're the one who inspired me to be better."
Rey feels the tears prick the back of her eyes and Ben leans forward, presses his forehead against hers.
"You make me better," he whispers, breath fanning across her lips and making her tilt her head up toward him. "You always have. And I'm sorry that I was gone for so long. I'm sorry for taking Luke's studio away from you, for taking myself away from you. And I'm fucking sorry that some random asshole had to be the one to take you to the ocean for the first time and not me."
A tear slips out. She can't help it. Her emotions are too churned up, and she twists her hands into Ben's shirt so that she can steady herself. She can't speak, although her lips are parted in hopeful anticipation. She inhales deeply, taking in his scent, masculine with a hint of what might be aftershave.
"Ben, I forgave you a long time ago." Rey has finally found her voice, although its much breathier than she'd like. "And I hope you know that I still love you, too." She traces the tips of her fingers along his jawline, feels the stubble there.
A low noise comes from the back of Ben's throat. "Can I kiss you?"
Rey nods.
He doesn't kiss her mouth like she thinks he's going to. Instead he gently tilts her jaw, breathes against the skin of her neck. The heat from his breath lights her skin on fire and she shudders, letting out a tiny whimper when he presses his mouth to the juncture between her neck and shoulder. He nips at her, taking a little bit of skin between her teeth. Her body's sensitivity suddenly skyrockets and Rey arches her back. Ben snakes his arm around her waist, large hand spreading across the small of her back. He pulls her against him, and Rey spreads her legs so that he can step between them.
He kisses up her neck to her jaw, stubble scratching against her skin and Rey gasps, fists pulling so hard at his shirt that she feels like she might rip it. The energy between them starts to pulse upwards, and Ben's movements become more urgent. He sucks at the sensitive spot just below her ear and Rey keens, panting. Ben tears his mouth away from her neck and finally, finally, kisses her on the lips.
Rey is delirious.
She had no idea simply kissing could make her whole body feel like a livewire, electric and nearly out of her control. She presses her chest against Ben's and slips her arms around his neck, one hand fisting in the hair at the nape of his neck. She tugs and he groans, the sound reverberating throughout her entire being. She feels herself clench between her legs, body already trying to relieve the ache that's growing there.
Rey slips her tongue into his mouth, wanting him closer, as close as he can possibly be. Ben's hands move to cup the curve of her ass. Then he yanks her flush against him and she wraps her legs around his waist. She squirms against his body, legs tightening around him, needing him, needing everything he has to give her.
In one swift movement Ben scoops her up and carries her out of the kitchen.
So much for watching The Hobbit.
A/N:
"DOVE, WHY?"
Because I'm an evil bitch, that's why. Don't worry, we'll pick up where we left off next chapter. But we needed this chapter to talk about feelings and shit. Shout out to my homie violethoure666 who MONTHS AGO sent me this super hot video of two people kissing and was like "this is how they should kiss for the first time" and I was like "YES." And then I had to wait months and months to write it. :-/
You are all wonderful, as usual. You, my dear readers, bring me infinite joy, make me laugh, and brighten my days. Thank you.
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