Chapter 53: "You need to know"
"When are you going to quit pretending?"
The question from Joan came out of the blue and I genuinely had no idea what she was talking about.
"Sorry?" I looked at her dear face, confused. We usually took tea in the early evening, sitting on her porch while JJ played in the front yard. When he tired himself out I'd bid Joan goodbye and take my boy home. We'd moved out of the back room of Joan's shop the year before, to a small house closer to the school JJ would go to in the fall.
"It's been almost five years Sabina," Joan scolded me gently. "You don't belong here, not if you're thinking its forever. That boy's father is waiting for you."
"What if he's not?" I asked starkly.
"Then you keep going until you find him," Joan instructed firmly. "You show him what he's missing out on and you convince him to see you. And then you come home, the three of you, to visit me."
"You make it sound so easy," I murmured sadly.
"It is easy," Joan replied. "Honey, you need to know. The longer you leave the question unanswered the more I see it eating away at you. Are you going to wait until there's nothing left, until you have nothing to give JJ but an empty shell?"
"I love my son!" I shot back, tears rising to my eyes.
"No-one who sees the two of you together would doubt that," Joan assured me. "Love him enough to take care of your needs, instead of only taking care of his."
Tears fell then, because I knew she was right. "I don't want to leave you," I told her tearfully.
"What, are you planning on never coming back?" Joan glared at me. "I'd come after you myself young lady, you see if I don't."
"I love you Joan, like the mother I was only lucky enough to have for such a short time."
"I know dear," Joan patted my hand fondly. "I love you too – you're my daughter now, make no mistake about that, and my daughter is no coward not to face up to what she knows she has to do."
Nodding, I wiped at my eyes. "You're right," I said simply.
"Of course I'm right," Joan retorted. Getting to her feet she held out a hand. "Come on – I'll help you pack a bag."
Before I was ready I found myself on the road with JJ again, only this time instead of being on foot JJ and I were in an old beat up car that still had enough miles on it to get us to Colorado Springs. The trip was uneventful, even with me dragging it out by stopping at any attraction along the way I thought JJ would be even mildly interested in.
Eventually though we entered the limits of the Springs and I felt the weight of the rest of my life settling heavily on my shoulders.
"This is it buddy," I told JJ, trying to sound positive.
"What's it Mama?" JJ asked, his eager young eyes looking for anything special enough that it would make his Mommy would drive so far to show him.
"Remember I told you that maybe we'd find your Daddy?" I asked him gently. I'd been up front with JJ for as long as he'd been able to ask the question. He knew we'd been separated from each other and that there was a chance his Daddy wouldn't recognise us. I'd made sure JJ knew that if the worst happened, one, I would always be there for him to love him more than anything in the world, and two, that his Daddy loved him very much – he'd just forgotten. I wasn't sure JJ completely understood but he'd promised not to go dashing to anyone I met asking if he was the one.
"Is Daddy here?" JJ asked excitedly.
"Maybe," I allowed. "We can't go rushing in though – we have to take this slow and check it out first, okay?"
"Okay Mama, I be good," JJ promised.
Smiling I reached over to ruffle his dark, messy hair. "You're Mama's good boy," I assured him. His hazel eyes sparkled with glee – he loved it when I called him that.
God, the older he grew, the more he looked like John, so much it was both a joy and a constant pain to see him every day. I missed John so much, a feeling that had never diminished, despite the intervening years. I could understand even more now why a version of myself had found a way to wait 40,000 years to be there when John made his long trip through time.
I parked in the visitor part of the Cheyenne mountain complex … I'd gotten us this far but to be honest I had no idea what to do next. Access was restricted so I'd never see John getting into his car here. I couldn't ask for John at the desk either because they'd check my identify and find that I didn't exist and of course anyone I could claim to know would have no memory of me.
As we sat in the car waiting I realised my reluctance was multi-layered. There was the whole would John recognise me on some level thing, but I realised that I wasn't keen to find out if time itself had been rewritten, removing my contribution to events, or just blurred so that those involved didn't remember my part. I wasn't sure what would be worse - never being there at all, or having my actions attributed to some vague entity no one remembered.
"Mama, play?" JJ asked hopefully after we'd been sitting there for a few minutes.
With a sigh I nodded. "Let me see if I can find a playground back in town," I offered. Glancing at my watch I revised my plans. "First we'll find somewhere to have lunch, okay?"
"Hungry Mama," JJ declared.
"I thought you might be," I noted, smiling at him through the review mirror – he was strapped up nicely in his car seat but I always had to double check before we set off – I pulled out of the car park and headed back towards town. A few miles out I saw the sign – O'Malley's: Open for Lunch.
"How about up there?" I pointed through the front window towards the trees. We could see a building on the hill and what looked like a long grassy incline, perfect for a little boy to roll down.
"Yes Mama, let's go there!" JJ exclaimed.
Laughing, I agreed, making a right and driving up the long path towards the car park. We went inside, looking around curiously. I could see that the place was geared towards night entertainment, with a bar and an area for music – not the kind of place I would ordinarily take JJ, but given it was daytime and the bar was deserted, it looked okay.
"Lunch?" A friendly waitress enquired.
"For two," I agreed, stooping to pick up JJ so I could carry him around the obstacle course of tables. "I have a very important date with this impressive young gentleman."
The waitress smiled while JJ preened, declaring repeatedly that he was 'inpessive.
"How about here?"
The table was small and off to the side, away from the bar, which was still in easy view. If anyone arrived who looked a bit dodgy I'd see and be able to hurry JJ along before he started asking awkward questions. "This is perfect," I agreed.
The waitress left us menus and said she'd be back to take our orders soon.
JJ and I were well into our meals – burgers and fries – when out of the blue I heard it. A familiar voice.
My head shot up and my eyes moved towards the bar and the two men who'd just settled there.
"Oh my God," I whispered hoarsely.
It was Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard … in the flesh, beside another man I didn't recognise.
"Mama?" JJ's worried voice woke me up like a bucket of cold water in the face. He looked scared.
"It's okay baby," I strove to reassure him. Holding out my arms I urged him to come to me, taking him in my lap and hugging him close.
"Cute kid."
Spinning us both in my chair I looked up a long way, into eyes the same stormy hazel as the boy in my arms.
"Thank you," I all but whispered, unable to look away.
John grinned down at JJ and then turned his attention to me. Our eyes locked and as we continued to stare at each other, my internal voice all but begging for some hint of recognition, the smile slowly dropped from John's face to be replaced by a frown.
"Have we met?" he asked. His expression shifted immediately and he looked almost embarrassed. "That wasn't a pick-up line," he hastened to assure me.
"I didn't think it was, and I think the answer to your question is yes, we have met," I smiled suddenly, "if you believe in quantum physics and the existence of alternate realities, then many versions of you and I have met."
John chuckled. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you how much I believe in stuff like that."
"Try me," I invited. JJ had shifted and was watching us both avidly.
"I could, but then I'd have to k -," he stopped, realised he couldn't even jokingly threaten to kill a kid's mother while the kid was looking on, "keep you somewhere isolated so you couldn't tell anyone. Classified," he added, just in case I hadn't worked it out for myself.
"Good recovery," I congratulated.
"Lightening reflexes," John quipped back. He looked at JJ then, his expression going blank for a second before he recovered. "What's your name kid?" he asked.
"JJ," my boy replied proudly.
"Yeah, what do the J's stand for?" John asked curiously.
"John Junior," JJ replied before I could think of a way to stop him. John was a common name; maybe my John would think nothing of it.
"John huh? That's a pretty cool name. Listen JJ, do you think you could introduce me to your Mom?"
JJ frowned - he knew what introducing involved because of his years growing up in Joan's shop, where new people were a regular fixture. "She's right here," he pointed out logically.
"I know, but she doesn't know me so she might get worried about talking to a stranger," John explained. "We know each other now, so if you vouch for me I'm sure she'll feel better. What do you say?"
JJ didn't completely understand all of John's words but he knew what John wanted of him was important so he immediately agreed. He opened his mouth, stopped and then eyed John suspiciously. "How can I intordude you to my Mama? I don't know your name!"
"You're a smart one," John congratulated. "You tell your Mom that my name is Colonel Sheppard."
Damn! I'd totally forgotten about the surnames and specifically that mine and JJ's would be the same as John's. No way was he not going to notice that! What could I do though? Anything I did now would stand out as being odd.
"Mama," JJ began with an important air, "this is Colonel Sheppard." He turned to John. "My Mama's name is Sabina only I'm not supposed to call her that. I'm the only one who gets to call her Mama, in the entire universe, so I should call her that."
"Makes sense," John agreed. He looked at me. "I'm pleased to meet you Sabina."
I was so relieved that JJ hadn't spilled the beans about our last names that I answered without thinking, blowing our cover even more effectively that JJ ever could have.
"It's nice to meet you too John," I replied.
I knew I'd made a mistake as soon as John's expression shifted from friendly to suspicious. "How'd you know my name was John?" he asked intently.
"Is it?" I tried to play dumb, acting surprised. "My son's name is John too. That's quite a coincidence."
"No, you just called me John," my John insisted.
"Did I?" I laughed. "Sorry – I'm always doing that. I call out to JJ so often that his is the first name to my mind. I do apologise Colonel."
"I'd believe that except for one thing," John was still watching me far too closely. "You call your son JJ, not John."
"Mama only calls me John when I'm in big trouble," JJ helpfully clarified.
"Okay. Who are you and what are you doing here?" John demanded in a harder voice.
"Don't take that tone in front of my child," I shot back in a low tone, hugging JJ close to me. Standing abruptly I gathered our things and turned, looking for the waitress so that I could get our bill.
"Where are you going?" John asked, striving for a more reasonable tone.
"None of your business!" Before he could protest, I headed for the front where the register sat, ignoring John's presence. JJ's safety came first, no matter how much I wanted to stay. A few minutes later JJ and I were back in the car, back on the road to town.
"Mama," JJ asked quietly.
"Yes baby?"
"That man we talked to, that was my Daddy, wasn't it?"
I couldn't lie to him. "Yes," I said simply. "He is your Daddy but I'm sorry; right now, Daddy doesn't remember us. Maybe he will later, baby, but there's a chance he won't. I don't know. What I do know is that if he could remember us he'd love you and he'd be really happy to see you, okay?"
"Okay," JJ agreed with a five year old's simplicity.
Feeling too shaken by the experience of seeing John again after so many years, I wasn't sure what to do next. Part of me sensed that trouble was imminent and wanted to cut and run back to Joan and my safe life. The greater part of me though knew this was my only chance to have John in my life in some form, even if it was just catching a glimpse of him from time to time. There was no doubt though – before I'd slipped and revealed that I knew more about him than I should, there had definitely been a spark of interest between us. I owed it to us to stick around and see if anything could be salvaged for the future.
"Let's find somewhere to stay," I suggested to JJ. We drove for a short while before JJ pointed out a flashing sign.
"How about there Mama?" he suggested.
He couldn't have known that the flashing lights spelled Motel – he was just interested in staying somewhere with gaudy letters bigger than he was flashing off and on all the time, casting a sickening red glow over everything.
"Okay," I agreed reluctantly, pulling into the car park. Five minutes later we had keys and were putting away our small collection of personal items. I let JJ bounce on the beds for a bit while I called Joan to tell her we'd reached our destination and to assure her that we were both okay.
When the knock sounded at the door I jumped a little, rising quickly to look through the peephole. I'd expected to see the motel manager there about something we'd forgotten to do at check-in. Instead I saw John, his posture relaxed as he waited for me to open the door.
"JJ, come over here," I said in a low voice. I grabbed his hand as soon as he was in reach and pulled him in close to me. "That man – your Daddy – is here," I told him urgently. "Remember, you can't tell him you know who he is, okay? You have to pretend that you don't know him."
"I don't know him Mama," JJ reminded me helpfully.
Giving a rueful chuckle I hugged him quickly. "That's right, you don't. Clever boy."
John knocked on the door again and I took a deep, steadying breath before answering it.
"Yes?" I asked, eying him suspiciously.
"Colonel John Sheppard, Ma'am. We met at O'Malley's earlier," he said, playing along with my pretence that I didn't recognise him from before.
"Of course, that's right," I said, giving him a puzzled frown. "How did you … is there something we can do for you?"
"I know where you're staying because I followed you," John admitted freely, "and yes, there is something you can do for me. You can explain how you know me when I don't know you. Are you from an alternate reality?"
Author's Note:
Yay! John is back in the story ... after so many chapter's! There'll be some John's POV chapters coming up soon too ... thanks to all those reviewing, glad you're still here!
