Chapter 55: Can't Give Up Now (Mary Mary)


My fear was that one day...it would be time for her to actually be gone.

What if that time was now?


"Can I show you something?"

I had been kneeling on the kitchen floor for what seemed like an endless time before Britt actually spoke to me.

I was trying my best to see past my blurred vision but I couldn't.

Instead I just felt hopeless.

"What...is it?" I asked as I looked down at the sticky mess that I had made on the floor.

My heavy craving for pancakes was now replaced by a sickening fear.

"Santana?"

My skin raised but I didn't look up.

"Yes?"

"Baby...please...look at me?"

She was crouching in front of me now.

I looked into her beautiful eyes and I couldn't help the new tears that came flooding.

"Yes?"

"Can I show you?"

I nodded and then didn't put up a fuss as she helped me to my feet.

I really couldn't see the cracked plate or the food but Britt had thought of that as she wrapped my hands around her waist and walked with me.

When we bought this house a few months ago...I never really explored.

I had been so busy with Daniela and school that I stayed in the primary portion.

Britt walked to a hallway that I hadn't seen before and clicked on a light.

She pushed a door open and then stepped to the side.

"Go ahead first."

I didn't question her as I stepped around her and made my way down into our basement.

I can't say that I have ever seen it.

When I stepped down onto the padded floor I waited for the sound of footsteps behind me...there were none.

"Britt?" I said turning around.

"Explore." She said from the top step.

"Alone?" I was a little spooked. There were two doors in front of me.

"I'm gonna check on the kids...just be brave. I'll be right back."


I pushed open the first door and walked into a really comfortable looking room.

The first thing that I noticed was the sound board.

Was this what I thought it was?

When had she done this?

I moved my fingers over the keys lightly, not wanting to break anything.

There was a light switch above the board that sat just underneath a mirror.

I flicked the switch and immediately could see where the other door had led.

In the center of the recording studio was something that I certainly didn't expect.

"Butterfly?" I whispered before moving over to the door.

When I stepped into the hall there stood Britt with a big smile on her face and Isaac in her arms.

His pudgy thumb was firmly between his lips as he looked at me with sleepy eyes.

I brushed my hand across his face and watched his eyes light up.

All seemed to be forgiven for the moment and that made me feel really good.

"Love you." He said around his thumb.

I kissed his sweet cheeks and then ruffled his overgrown bush of curls.

"Te quiero, Papa."

A part of my soul felt so much peace now even if it still hurt.

"Are you going to keep looking around?" Britt asked as she watched my mind drift back to the sadness.

I sniffed back my tears and walked towards the other door.

When I pushed it open, my suspicions were confirmed.

It was my childhood piano.

My butterfly.

New tears came but these were lighter.

I lifted the lid and ran my fingers across the keys.

It's amazing how memories hit you after so long.

I pressed down the center key and there was the evidence from the day that Papi had broken my hand.

Blood.


My heart was racing as I hit a few more keys.

My blood and tears had been shed over this piano and so having it back after so many years, felt cathartic.

Almost like all this time, my heard had a hole in it that was just now being filled.

I turned towards where Britt had been standing and could see that she was laying on a couch in the corner with Isaac curled up in her arms.

"How did you...I...thank you B."

She smiled softly as she ran her fingers through Isaac's hair. My heart clenched when I saw how she looked at him with so much adoration.

My hands subconsciously gravitated to cup my nonexistent baby bump.

We would be okay.

"When you were in the hospital...I had this big plan to save enough money to move us away. Ari had been sick then...and I think she knew it because she kept telling me how I should just bring you some escape...she said that you would need your family. She said big things were coming and that you shouldn't be far from home."

"She knew." I whispered as I went back to stroking the keys.

"I think she did. So I used the money that I had saved and used it to get this studio built. Everyone helped...even...Hector. When it was done, the morning you found out about the baby, Ari told me she needed to show me something. She brought me in here and showed me this piano."

"She brought it here?"

"Apparently...Marco gave the piano to Jovanny. When he saw you in his bar a while back he asked Carlos if you still played. Carlos had no idea. Anyway, he called Ari and she told him that maybe you were passed that part of your life."

"Ha."

"Anyway...we got it shipped here and it's been tuned. It's all yours now and nobody will ever take it from you again."

"Wow." I had no other words as I sat on the bench and just looked at my wife. "That's amazing. This is amazing."

"I wanted to show you because you need to see that when things are meant to be...like you having this piano...they end up together. Things end up the way they are supposed to. Ari is probably really hurting...really hurting. After the bone marrow transplant last time she told me that if it ever came back...she wouldn't want to go through treatment again. So while you are hurting and mad...she's feeling worse. She needs you...but not like you think."

I bit my fingernail as I listened to Britt.

She was waiting though for me to acknowledge what she was saying.

"How then?" I whispered.

"She doesn't need pity...she needs people to help her stay strong. We can't fight this for her."

"Like holding her hands up if she gets tired of holding them?"

"Yes just like the Bible story."

"You are so right, B."

"Hmmm...so lets get to bed?"

"Yea."

"Good because he's drooling and it's gross."

Leave it to her to break my anger and tension all at once.


When we got to the top of the stairs, Isaac was suddenly alert.

"Mama?" He said as she tapped Britt's shoulder.

"Yes, Izzy?"

"I can walk?"

"Oh...okay." She closed the basement door and then put him down on his feet.

He looked up at her and then made a mad dash.

Suddenly I remembered the kitchen.

"Uh...B...the broken dishes?"

She shook her head and pulled me along by my pinky.

"I cleaned that up."

It made me happy to know that while I wanted to be strong for Ari, that Britt was still being strong for me.

Right now, with everything going on, I'm glad that I can take care of my own stuff knowing that Britt has everything under control.

"Thanks, B."

She smiled at me as she walked slowly behind Isaac as he climbed the marble stairs.

The last thing we wanted was for him to hurt himself on those things.

"I'm not going to let you fall." Britt said without looking up.

I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or Isaac but the message was clear.

Britt was sailing this ship and I was totally fine with that.


"Ana? Sweetheart, you need to wake up." Britt rubbed my back and dropped soft kisses on my neck.

"No." I grumbled from under my mountain of blankets.

"Babe...I wish that I could let you sleep, but this can't wait."

"Why?"

"We have company. I need you to get up." Britt's tone sounded really serious.

And although we had only gone to bed just a few short hours before, it seemed like she had been up for a while.

"Fine!"

I threw the covers back and slithered my way out of the bed, keeping as much of my body on the bed as possible until my feet were on the floor. I could feel Britt hovering close by.

"Come on...the shower is already going and your food is waiting in the kitchen. Quinn made waffles."

I finally opened my eyes and looked up at Britt.

"Why is she here?"

"Just get showered."

I pushed out my lips and closed my eyes, I had done this before...refusing to move until I got a kiss.

Britt sighed and then pressed her lips against mine.

Something was really bothering her.

I wasn't sure if it was the company we had or me...but she seemed like me moving slowly was causing her pain

"Okay...I'm going. I'll see you downstairs."

"Five minutes, please?"

I started to walk away, feeling annoyed with her.

"Screw your five minut-"

I was cut off by her stepping in between me and the bathroom.

She ran her thumbs firmly over my arms.

"Five minutes...no excuses. Understand?"

I didn't fight.

She was asking the first time but now, it was her letting me know that her making it seem like a choice was just a nicety.

I nodded and accepted her kiss before moving into the bathroom.

Just from that moment...I could tell that this was going to be one hell of a day.


I made it down to the kitchen in three minutes.

Somehow, I had managed to get fully dressed and put on a light bit of make up.

It had to be a record for me.

And I knew that Britt would be proud.

When I stepped onto the cool floor, Britt was sitting quietly flipping through Henry while she drank coffee.

I walked over and kissed her forehead before noticing that she wasn't alone.

There on the other side of the table, looking pale and exhausted was Ari.

"Hey." She said with a raspy, tired voice.

"Hi."

"There's coffee...on the stove Ana...grab some while I get your plate together." Britt said before I could make a move to do anything, like rushing to hug Ari like I wanted to.

Something had happened...she seemed like she was doing her best to control this situation.

Ari and I never needed to be controlled or directed on how to be us before.

There had to be a reason and I knew that when it came to Britt...her reasons were revealed when she was ready and no sooner.

So I just nodded and moved to the stove.

I hesitated as I poured the cup...the baby.

"B...I-" She cut me off as she handed me the soy creamer.

"It's decaf."

"Oh." I nodded as I prepared my coffee.

It seemed like she had thought of everything.

Almost like I didn't have to think at all.

Is it crazy that it felt freeing?

I mean when you're in a tough situation...who doesn't want someone to just step in and think about the little stuff?

Never me...until Brittany came into my life.

I was HBIC and loving it...but now...it was like I was finally where I needed to be and doing exactly what needed to be done to remain stable.

It was strange.


When I sat down at the table, I saw that Ari was actually sleeping with her head on the table.

I felt bad eating while she was so sick but Britt had anticipated that line of thought.

"You have to eat...that baby isn't going to feed itself."

"What about Ari?"

"She isn't hungry...just let her rest."

"Okay."

I nodded and rushed through my food.

I knew that I would get the chance to talk to Ari once I was done so I was shoveling food in my mouth.

Of course that was until Britt put her hand on my arm.

"Slow down."

"I'm going slow." I said after I forced all the food in mouth down my throat.

I nearly choked as I cleared my throat.

"Slow down...please?"

Britt was smiling now...but I knew that she was giving me a chance to see that I was rushing myself.

I nodded and put down my knife and fork and instead picking up my coffee.

My head was spinning.

The baby was angry or something because all that food I had just forced myself to swallow was coming back up.

"Shit." I said before running towards the sink.

The bathroom just wasn't close enough.

Britt was rubbing my back as I hurled into the garbage disposal.

She had turned on the water and flicked the switch so that the food wasn't splashing me.

"You really need to take your time...okay?" Britt said sweetly.

I nodded and took a deep breath.

She was right.

Again.


I watched Ari sleep for a while longer.

Britt had watched me eat dry toast before heading out.

She suggested that I take Ari down to the studio and I agreed but now I just wanted to let her sleep.

I had sat with her once after chemo and I knew for a fact that sleep was valuable.

When she was awake she was usually throwing up or sweating in a corner somewhere.

Her body was shaking as her face pressed against the hardwood.

She had been letting her blond curls grow lately and they were now falling in ringlets around her face.

It was almost angelic.

Looking at her, it reminded me a lot of my daughter.

In fact a lot of my daughter was starting to look a lot more like Marco and Ari and less like Isaac and Ian.

This was one of those secrets I tried to just keep inside, but it was becoming more and more evident that maybe...just maybe she wasn't Ian's after all.

Both Marco and Ian were dead and it didn't really matter to anyone but me at this point.

Should I even look into it?

"Shit." Ari's mumble brought me out of my thoughts as I watched her eyes open.

I pushed the waiting glass of ice water over to her and smiled.

"Shit is right...you were sleeping forever."

She looked at her watch and then back at me.

"Ten minutes...don't exaggerate." She said before swallowing down the water.

"Do you need anything?"

"Just my friend...if that's okay?"

"Of course...lets head down to the studio."

Her lips curved into a smile and she slowly pushed to her feet.

"So you saw it?"

I nodded and then looped my arm through hers.

She looked unsteady and so I wanted to stabilize her.

"Thank you."

This wasn't pity, right?

It was help?

Right?


"Do you know how it ended up with Jo?"

"Britt said that Marco gave it to him."

Ari chuckled and readjusted herself as we sat side by side on the couch, staring at Butterfly.

I had one arm wrapped around her and with my other hand I was holding tight to hers.

She was curled against me and talking in almost a soft whisper.

"The story is a little bigger than that."

"Yea?"

"You know that he really, really loved you. Like serious, love that's why he made sure that the piano didn't go very far. I didn't know about it until recently but Jo knew...news about Dr. Cray got back to Lima...he wanted to help in some way. Really though...it all starts with Marco...he wanted you to have it back eventually."

I looked down at her in shock.

"Marco? Seriously?"

"He loved you even if he became a monster."

"I don't know how he could have been anything less than a monster."

"But he was."

"Right...sure he was."

"Cancer...it doesn't just affect the person dying..." She stared off for a second before looking back at me. "It eats away at the people left behind. Marco got eaten alive before he even had the chance to understand it. He was a really troubled kid and when he saw you...it took his breath away. You, I swear...look so much like Titi Sophie. He didn't know how to handle it. She was his life."

"So I have heard."

"When she died...for the most part so did he."

"That's sad...I wish that I could have met that Marco...the one you always tell me about."

"I think you did...in those moments where he was gentle with you. Those moments where he was kind. There weren't many but they did exist. In the last years of his life...he got really lost. He was addicted to you and the love that your dad gave him. When he came to New York...it sucked him in and ate him alive. He lost most of his integrity...he tried to break you...I'm glad you're still here."

"I scared you when all this happened...didn't I?"

"Yea...I can't imagine that Marco saw you after being with that guy and didn't do anything."

"Well he put a stop to it...eventually."

"See...in his own warped way...he was kind."

"Yea...I guess that's why I didn't fear him when I last saw him."

"He was different by that point...I think he was holding onto this life that he had with both hands while trying to be a better man. He lost that fight...and it was probably better off that he died. There was no going back for him, nothing holding here anymore."

"When you look at Daniela...do you see him?" I asked suddenly.

Her body went rigid as she searched my eyes and then she dropped her head.

"Every time."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"It didn't matter but I think...that he knew."

"Her eyes...they're blue...I just thought..."

"His dad...blue eyes."

Then it all hit me...she was his.

And I had denied him.

My heart hurt.

"Why didn't I see it?" I whispered.

"People see what they want to see."

"I feel like shit."

"Don't feel like shit...I hadn't noticed either until Mami said something. She was the one that pointed it out to me."

"Titi Lydia saw it too?"

"Yea...just before she told me that I needed to prepare myself for losing her."

"Is that what you are about to do? Is that why you came here?"

She sighed heavily and then rested her head on my shoulder.

"Yes."

"Please..."

What else could I say...what words could set this right?


"I need you to know that I am probably not going to make it through this. It's really bad this time."

I squeezed her tighter and she let out a harsh breath as she squeezed my hand.

"You still have fight in you, Arita...you can't just quit."

"You sound like Gloria." She chuckled as she closed her eyes. "I just want you to be prepared. I'm not giving in just yet. I just don't want to get my hopes up. My body and my soul are tired."

She sighed and I could feel the ball of tears forming but I would not cry.

Not now.

"Please...don't say things like that."

"I can't lie...this is how I feel. The doctors wanted to admit me because they want to attack this thing aggressively. I refused. I will not stay in a hospital...ever again. If anything happens...I want to be comfortable and happy. I'm really tired, Santana."

"Stay here." I said pulling back and looking into her eyes.

She shook her head and looked at me with dry, bloodshot eyes.

"I can't do that to you guys. You are just getting home. Just getting back to your kids...you have so much going on...I don't want to be in the way."

"Please? I'm not pitying you...I just want to help. Please let me?"

"I don't come alone...I have Gloria and we have a dog. I don't know."

She looked like she just wanted to disappear into the floor.

Even still, her pride was so strong.

"Marco became the way that he was because he wouldn't take help from the family...right?"

She nodded.

"How different do you think it would have been if he had taken the help?"

"He'd still be alive...your life would have been different that's for sure." She laughed harshly as she sagged against me again.

"Maybe you can't fight this alone...you are tired of dealing with it alone. I'm here with you...there is a dance studio out there for you to dance in...you have space to breathe and my sister...the doctor lives right up the road. This is a great place to go through this...I could use the distraction, frankly now that I'm dropping out of school."

"And my dog?"

"Is welcome...the kids will love it."

"Okay...well I need to check with Gloria...this effects her too. Then, can I get back to you?"

"Yea...take your time...but you know hurry up."

She smiled and then took a deep breath and released my hand.

There was a lightness in her eyes again.

Which was a very welcome sight.

Britt was right...she needed help holding up her arms.

I could do that.

I wouldn't let her just give up.

Ever.


"Play for me?"

"You got it."

The mood shifted.

She sat back against the couch and curled around a big pillow, while she watched me.

I was halfway through my playing, feeling like my fingers and the keys were wrapped in each other when a speaker came on.

"Hey Ana?"

I looked over to the glass window and saw Britt and Gloria standing there each holding one of the kids.

I glanced at Ari and could see that she was sleeping again.

So I stopped playing and instead covered her up in a thick blanket.

When I stepped into the blue room as I was starting to call it, Daniela smiled at me.

And there it was all along...the slight dimple on her chin.

Marco's dimple.

I hadn't seen it before.

"I can't believe that I didn't see it."

"You needed to believe that she was Ian's...but it doesn't matter...right?"

"Is that how you knew?" I asked as I took Daniela from Gloria and kissed her sweet face.

"Knew what, that we should keep it?"

"That this baby," I touched my stomach, "that we could do this."

She smiled and nodded.

"Yea...that's how I knew that we would be okay because it doesn't matter who the guy is...you and me can do anything."

A calm settled over me as I looked at my wife.

This was why she was running the show.

She saw what I didn't see and instead of shoving it down my throat...she helped me see what she saw.

And Pa thinks she too stupid.

Asshole.


It was early afternoon, Britt and Gloria had gone to the city to clear out the apartment and Ari was sleeping in the guest room by the kitchen.

"Mami...I want Titi." Isaac said to me as I brushed out his hair.

Daniela was sitting in her high chair across the table eating her Cheerios and smiling at the tv.

Bubbleguppies was on, which meant that nobody else existed.

"Which one, Papa?"

I was getting frustrated, it seemed like the more that I combed through his hair, the wilder it got.

Just like Ian, he hated for anyone to touch it.

So most of the time it just went uncombed.

The issue was that he had my silkiness and curl but all of Ian's dry, frizziness.

It was a horrible combination and so I made a decision.

Isaac was going to get his first haircut.

Today.

I couldn't deal with it anymore.

"Titi Sun!" He squealed.

Sandra.

And then an idea hit me.

"Okay...why don't you go grab my phone from the coffee table in the sala."

I helped my son down onto the floor and watched as he ran towards the livingroom.

"Cuidate, Papa. Don't run, walk."

He looked back at me and slowed down.

Thankfully.

The coffee table has sharp edges and I did not want to go to the hospital today.

"Here, Mami. You call Titi Sun?"

"Yes...do you want to talk to her?"

He shook his head and stood there waiting for me to make the call.

My son has all of my impatience.

It's frightening.


"Ana! Hey girl...what's up?"

"You used to cut hair in the Army right?"

"Yea...got my barber's license before enlisting...why?"

"Well...your nephew has been asking for you all morning...and I was wondering if you could come and cut his hair?"

"Finally?"

"Yes...and since he is requesting you, I figured he wouldn't put up much fight."

"Ha...we'll see. Let me get Tito dressed and we will be right over."

"Thanks Sandra...you are a life saver."

"I have the medals to prove it...see you in a bit."

When I put my phone down I almost laughed when I saw Isaac staring at me and tapping his foot.

Where does he learn this stuff?

"She come over?" He finally asked.

"Yes...she's on her way."

"Good...I be in play room."

"Oh...okay, I will call you when she gets here."

"Okay!"


I had been wrong.

Isaac definitely did put up a fuss the moment that Sandra had the clippers near his head.

"No, Titi, no!" He screamed.

"Ana...I can't do this with him like this...isn't there like something you could do to make him calm down?"

"Uh..."

I looked over at Daniela who was watching another episode of her show.

I knew for a fact that Elmo would distract him, but then Daniela would start freaking out if I stopped her show.

And just like her perfect timing in walked Britt.

"Hey ladies...whoa...what's going on?"

"I asked Sandra to cut his hair but he is not having it...help?"

"Well..." She looked at her phone. "I'll take Dani...it's time for her nap anyway...put Elmo on for him."

And just like that, she resolved the issue.

She took the baby and then once I got Elmo on, Isaac didn't move.

He would whimper when she put the clippers near his ears but he did not move.

In fact, about ten minutes into the haircut, he fell asleep.

"Perfect." Sandra whispered as she began to cut faster. "This is what I was hoping for. I never cut Tito's hair when he is awake."

"If I had known...I would have put him down but he wanted to see you so badly."

"I'm sure he changed his mind."


I sat quietly watching Sandra as she moved around my sleeping son.

Her baby bump was showing and I couldn't help but smile.

We had yet to talk about anything really, since she got back from Miami.

I had no clue what was going on in her life and I was pretty sure that aside from the most recent incident...she had no idea what was going on in mine.

"How far along are you?"

"Halfway...twenty weeks tomorrow."

"Do you know what it is?"

"A boy and a girl."

"What? Twins? Seriously?"

She smiled and nodded.

"And everything is good...no complications...right?"

She held up crossed fingers and then crossed herself.

My sister...superstiously Catholic...always!

"And you...I hear that you decided to keep the baby."

"There is no other way for me. This baby is apart of me despite how it was conceived, I kept Isaac without a second thought when I found out that I was pregnant and then I decided to have Daniela and so I would be a hypocrite if I chose not to have this one...you know what I mean?"

Sandra was quiet as she focused on Isaac's hairline.

I was in awe of how much older and neater he looked just from her giving him such a low cut.

He looked so handsome.

"You know..." Sandra clicked off the clippers and put them to the side before taking a step back. "At first...when Gladys told me...I was sure that you wouldn't want it...and that you shouldn't do it. Then though...I took a step back and looked at your life, and what I know is that despite all your shit, the drugs, the lies, the fuck up with Izzy in that apartment...I know for a fact that you love your kids. You would give your very life for them and so I just want you to know...that I am so proud of you. I support you and I love you."

She had her hand on my knee as she looked in my eyes.

I could tell that she had been thinking really hard about things and she really wanted me to know where she stood.

"Thank you, Sandra. Hearing that really makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing."

"Because you are."


By the time that Sandra was done with Isaac and we cleaned him up, it was late afternoon.

I had a court hearing in the morning and so Quinn was supposed to be taking the kids.

Britt was in her studio with Ari and they were running through some drills...well really, Britt was dancing and Ari was watching sadly.

Apparently, she had tried to leap and nearly crashed into the mirror.

Her body was uncoordinated with all the drugs in her system.

I had brought the kids over to the studio so that Britt could see them before Quinn got to the house and that's when I saw Ari sitting there looking miserable.

The moment I opened the studio door, Isaac went running ahead.

"Mama, Mama...look...my hair!" He was obsessed with the way his new hair felt.

And thankfully, Britt was paying attention, because she was on her knees inspecting it and making a big deal just for him.

"So handsome...look at you! Wow!" She was exclaiming and Isaac just smiled and touched his hair.

"Thank you. Titi did it. You like?"

"Yes! I love it. Can I touch it again?"

"Yes! Here em me see your hand."

I watched as Britt let him guide her hand over his head.

The two of them together was just too cute for words.


I left the two of them alone and headed over to the bench where Ari was.

She smiled and held her hands out for the baby and Daniela of course abandoned me the first second that she could.

"Traitor." I mumbled as I plopped down.

"Be nice Anita...just because she obviously has good taste is no reason to call her names."

"Ugh...I just call it like I see it."

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

"So why are they all dressed up?"

"Quinn is coming to get them...there is this carnival thing at Beth's school tomorrow with face painting and games...she asked if they could go and I have to go to a hearing tomorrow, worked out well, I guess."

"Oh...so they are leaving."

"Yep...just for the night and then I'll pick them up tomorrow."

"Does that mean...that maybe the four of us could like hang out later?"

Ari looked desperate to talk, just to distract herself and if it was the four of us then it would be distraction enough.

"Yea...sure. Anything in particular you want to do?"

"No drinking...I just really need to talk about things and I can't go another day without figuring stuff in my head out. I just need to feel the support. Not pity...but like just prayer and bonding...does that make sense?"

She shrugged and I could see that she was waiting for a sarcastic remark about the Ya-ya sisterhood...but really, I just thought it was a great idea.

"I think that sounds amazing."

"Good...well then, I'm gonna go back to the house and get showered. I'll leave you guys to it. Gloria should be home from work in an hour...we can hang then...okay?" She kissed the baby's face a dozen times before handing her to me. "See you inside."

Without hesitation, she left the studio without even glancing back.

And that's when I caught Britt's eyes.

She had been watching and she looked concerned.

And I totally understood the feeling.


That night, after the kids left, Britt had decided to download a bunch of movies while Gloria and I talked.

Ari was showering and then she said that she needed to call her dad.

So we were waiting for her.

Gloria looked like she was holding back and I knew how it felt to stand by and watch the woman who you love, hurt.

That time with Britt just after her hysterectomy was insanely lonely for me even with Quinn close by.

"You know, G...I'm not just here for Ari. I'm here for you too and I know that you have prayer and God, I know your faith carries you and that is truly amazing. I also know though that sometimes you just need a hug and even though it would be a little off putting at first, I am here to hug you whenever you want."

Gloria sipped her mug of hot chocolate and then looked at me with a serious expression.

"What do you know about convents, Santana?"

"That it's rough at first...don't they like shave your head?"

"Sometimes...I definitely got my head shaved. It's really not the process though that I'm referring to. It's the camaraderie or lack thereof. Every convent is different. At mine...my Mother Superior was tough as nails and so were the sisters under her. It was intense and it was the loneliest year of my life. When I met Ari...I felt like every emotion in the world, all at once...happy because she was perfect for me and sad because...it confirmed that despite my ardent prayers to make me heterosexual...God was saying...here is love. I don't care what it looks like...and neither should you. The Bible talks about how the soul doesn't have a gender. When we come before God...it's not as me a woman...it's about my soul. We come in soul form...so really...it shouldn't matter who I love just as long as my love is pure and whole. I thought that Ari was all that I needed and even though I really wanted to meet her friends...and you...I was happy for that little while to have her just for me. I was always okay with being alone, not having friends...but then I saw what she had...family. Love...from people that weren't related...I never had that. So even if it is weird...I am going to take you up on that...because I really, really feel lost right now. I love her and I need her in my life for as long as God allows, but you're right...I need human contact...touch. Starting now."

By the time that I was standing holding Gloria in my arms, there were tears in my eyes.

She clung to me and buried her face in my shoulder but there was no shaking and no tears.

Just her, taking a moment to decompress seemed to be enough for her.

"Thank you for letting me be here for you too."

She stepped back finally but didn't let go of me.

"This isn't the time to push anyone away...we all need each other and this isn't the easiest time in your life either."

"You got that right."


"What! No...this is the original Fame, B...I promise you!"

"Why is it so old?"

"Because it came first!" I laughed as Britt screwed her face up.

"But I didn't want this one."

"Then why did you download it?" Ari asked.

"I didn't know there was more than one!" Britt shrieked before pulling her laptop on her lap and pulling up Google. "Shit...you're right baby...this is the original!"

"Oh well...if you don't like this one...there is something else we could do." Gloria said from her perch on the couch.

"What's that?" I asked as I rubbed Ari's cold feet.

"Ari wanted to talk about the morbid stuff and I don't think she's going to sleep tonight until she does."

I looked over at Ari and she nodded.

"She's right, Anita...I can't think straight, let alone sleep."

"Okay...well what is there to discuss?"

Ari took a deep breath and then sat up.

"I just...I need to know that if I get really sick...like to the point where there is no hope...that you won't push me to fight anymore...any of you."

We all sat there staring at her in shock.

How could she think that we could agree to letting her give up?

Britt shook her head. "I'm sorry...I can't do that. I think you should just keep fighting...always."

Ari rubbed at her face in frustration and then looked at me with a lip trapped between her teeth.

"Anita? Please?"

I took a deep breath and could see that Gloria was looking down at her hands.

Her shoulders were shaking and she was actually crying now.

Ari didn't even flinch as she looked at her and then back at me.

"On one condition." I said, with a calm collected voice that somehow masked my internal shaking.

"Okay?" Ari said looking alert.

"I promise that if it gets to that point where the doctors are saying that's it...time's up...then I will accept it but you have to promise me and Gloria and Brittany...that until that day comes that you will fight like hell to beat this."

Gloria looked at me with wet eyes and then at Ari and nodded. "I agree with that baby...can you fight as hard as possible until you can't anymore...please?"

Britt didn't say a word as she bit on her lips and rocked in place.

Ari was looking at her hands and her skin looked a bit sweaty.

Finally she looked at us and then nodded.

"I promise that I will fight with everything...from here on out."

The tension eased.

Our hope was temporarily restored.

We would help her push through this.

It wasn't a death sentence.


Ari needed to believe that she could fight Cancer again and win.

She needed to know that we weren't just going to give up on her.

We loved her and love conquers all in the end.

If she was going to die, she was going to go out a fighter.

We had been through too much to just let go.

I had been through too much to let her fall.

I would hold up her arms and help her fight.

Now I could see that she needed it.

It was going to be rough and hard...

But the best love is worked for, it isn't easy.

That's what makes it last...faith that you can get through to the other side.

Through anything!


A/N: Okay lovelies...that's all she wrote for today...more to come...today...tomorrow...this weekend definitely! :) What do you think? All errors are mine!