(Chapter 53! Something VERY exciting is on the horizon.)

We were lying on Will's bed, kissing. Officially, we were doing our chemistry homework, but neither of us had looked at our books in almost half an hour. His hands were in my hair, smoothing it away from my face but also tugging my lips closer to his. I was clutching the fabric of his shirt as if my life depended on it. I shifted so that I could deepen the kiss further and suddenly became keenly aware of the dull throb between my legs. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my legs around his waist and pull him even closer but the thought of following through on the impulse made my stomach cramp with anxiety.

It wasn't that I didn't want to experience those things with Will. I did. In fact, after taking Dr. Blake's suggestion and masturbating, I had been surprised when I realized just how much I wanted those things. His kisses seemed to set my skin ablaze, and sometimes I wanted to claw my eyes out with frustration when we stayed resolutely at second base.

But I was terrified. I was so scared that the moment I gave the okay that I would become frozen with panic and fear. I knew that if I did, it wouldn't be a pretty sight, and I didn't want to scare Will.

I let out a frustrated sigh, and he pulled back slightly. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I kept my eyes focused on the collar of his shirt.

"Hey." He tilted my head up so he could look into my eyes. "I'm more than just a pretty face. Tell me what's going on."

I gave him a small smile and rolled my eyes. "It's really nothing." He stroked my cheekbone with his thumb before pulling back and sitting up.

"Can I ask you a question?"

I stayed laying down."Yeah?"

"You know the night you came over and I made breakfast? We ate, then Cassie went to her friend's?"

I knew exactly what night he was referring to. "Uh huh?"

"Why did you… Y'know, go down on me?"

"Wh- what?"

"When we were on the couch, watching The Office, and you gave me-"

"I know which night you're talking about."

"Why did you do it?"

I wasn't sure where he was going with this. "I don't know. Why does anyone do it? Why do you touch my boobs?"

"Because I want to. Because I want to make you feel good."

"Well… There you go."

"Did you want to?"

I sat up and forced a chuckle. "Where is this even coming from? That was months ago-"

"Did you?"

"Will, it's really not that big of a deal. Just forget it."

"Please answer me." His voice had an unfamiliar quality to it, and when I met his eyes I could see they were filled with hurt.

"Will… It's… I felt bad. I knew it wasn't fair for me to get you all… I don't know, hot and bothered, and then just stop. I didn't want to do that to you, but I couldn't really handle anyone touching me. So I… Yeah."

"So you made yourself suck my dick?"

"Why are you mad at me?"

"I'm not-" he stood up from the bed, "I'm not mad, Jayje. Or shit, maybe I am. I just… I never meant to make you feel like you had to…" He tore a hand through his hair. "I never wanted to pressure you, or hurt you."

"You didn't!"

"Oh yeah? What happened after I drove you home? Tell me the truth."

I couldn't help but drop my gaze to my fingers. "I… Will."

"Just tell me."

"I cried," I admitted in a soft whisper, and he turned away from me. "But it was just… I had never done it before, it was new."

"JJ, people don't usually cry after they give oral for the first time. The first time I went down on a girl, I was over the fucking moon."

"It's not a big deal."

He sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed at his eyes before turning to face me. "Yes it is, JJ. It's a big deal, because you basically let me assault you without me knowing. And that's not okay. That's so not okay."

I grabbed his hand. "Will, that's not what I was doing."

"It is a little bit."

I didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry," I finally offered.

He sighed and laid back down, pulling me so that my head was next to his on the pillow. "You forced yourself to give me head and you're seriously apologizing to me?" He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Promise me that… from now on we'll only go as far as you want to. I will have the bluest balls in the history of mankind, I don't care. I never want you to feel like I'm expecting anything from you."

I let my hand rest on his chest. "Will… I'm at the point now where I do want to." He gave me a skeptical look. "I do. When we kiss… God. I can't even describe it. You take my breath away. And when…" I took a deep breath and willed myself to have courage, "you put your hands here," I brought his hand up to cup me through my shirt and bra, making both of take in a tiny inhale, "it feels amazing." I lifted my hand from his and leaned in to kiss him gently on the lips. "I really do want to do more sometimes. I'm just scared."

He let his hand drift from my breast to my lower back, pulling me closer and wrapping his arms around me. "That's okay. You can be scared. But I'm not just some dude off the street. I'm your boyfriend and I want to take care of you. So just talk to me." He kissed me sweetly on the tip of my nose. "We should probably get back to our homework," he said softly.

I met his lips for another kiss, and he rolled onto his back so that I was laying on top of him. Our kiss deepened and our chemistry books remained at the end of the bed, largely untouched.

Xxx

I stood in the doorway to the kitchen and took a deep breath. My mom and Mark were sitting at the table, watching the news and talking about their days. I took half a step forward.

"Hey Mom?"

"Hey honey. Oh, I'm about to start a load of whites if you want to throw some of your clothes in."

"Thanks. Uh… Can I talk to you?"

"Yeah, of course." She patted Mark's hand and he stood up from the table.

"I'll leave you guys to it." He smiled as he walked past into the living room. I dropped into the chair next to my mom.

"I need help on a school thing."

"Alright, I'll do my best. But if it's algebra you probably should have asked Mark."

"No, it's for history."

"Oh! Well I can try my best. What are you studying?"

"We're talking about like, y'know lineage and bloodlines and stuff, and we have to interview a family member on their childhood. But we also have to do a family tree, going back four generations."

She nodded. "Okay! That's not a problem, your Aunt Sara is a huge ancestry junkie, whatever names I can't remember, I'm sure she has."

"I also need…" I sighed and looked down at the table. "My teacher said it has to be both sides of our family tree."

A look of understanding came into her eyes. "I see." She took a breath. "If I'm being honest, I don't know that I'll be much help, but I'll try."

I grabbed my notebook from my backpack and we began to list out all of the family members. I never knew my grandparents on her side since they both passed away right after Travis was born.

"Grandpa Roy had a heart attack, right?"

She nodded. "Yeah. He was only 52."

"That's so young."

"He was, especially for someone who never smoked or drank a day in his life. But he loved steak, and burgers, and fried catfish. We tried to tell him he needed to eat better, but…" She gave me a sad smile. "We had the funeral on Travis's two month birthday."

"That must have been rough, going through the funeral with Ros and Trav so little."

She nodded. "But it also helped me keep going. I couldn't get bogged down in grief because I had these two tiny creatures to take care of. We'd just opened the heating and air shop. The world kept turning so I kept moving."

"What about Grandma? She died just a few months later, right?" She nodded again. "How did she die?"

"Of a broken heart."

"She had a heart attack, too?"

She folded her arms on top of the table. "No sweetie. She… She killed herself."

I looked at her in horror. "I didn't know that."

She let out a long breath. "Yeah. It was really tough for her after Dad died. Sara was in Georgia, so she couldn't help much, and I tried my best to be there for her but like I said, Ros and Travis were so small, I barely had a spare moment."

I took her hand. "I'm so sorry, Mom."

"It's alright. I felt really guilty about it, for such a long time. But finally I realized that what she wanted more than anything was to have her husband back, and no one could have given her that."

"What about… Dad's mom?" I asked quietly.

She tightened her grip on my hand. "I don't know much about her. Her name was Martha, Martha Jareau. I think she lived in Milwaukee her whole life, she might have even been born there. She's probably still living there."

"Did you ever meet her?"

She shook her head. "No. Jeanie moved to Pittsburgh as soon as she graduated from high school and brought Ron with her. As far as I know they never spoke to her again."

"Did… Did he talk about her? Is what Aunt Jeanette said about her true?"

"Not much but there was one time… You were just a baby, not even a year old. Travis picked up a swear word and he said it in front of your dad. Without even thinking, he reached over and popped him in the mouth. Not too hard, barely enough to send Travis back onto his butt, but they were both completely shocked. I mean, so was I. And your dad went to our room and was crying, he was inconsolable. Kept saying he was sorry, over and over. It finally came out that she hit both of them when they were growing up. She was mean. His dad left when Ron was just a baby, and being a single mom in the 70s was rough. Not that there's any excuse to hit a child. But he said that he wanted to be better than her… That he was going to be the father he had always wanted."

We sat there in silence for a moment, her eyes clouded with memories. "I'm afraid that's all I really know. I have no idea what her maiden name was or what his dad's name was. Maybe Travis has a copy from when he did it? You could copy down the info."

I shook my head. "He probably didn't have to do it. He didn't have Ms. Wallace for history, this is only her second year."

"Oh." She chewed on the inside of her cheek.

"Could… Do you think I could maybe do Mark's family instead?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Is that what you want?"

"He's part of my family too. He told me he sees me as a daughter… Yeah. I would."

She gave me a shaky smile. "I bet he would really like that."

I tapped my pen against my notebook. "Can… Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"How do you… When…" I tried to figure out how to phrase what I needed to know. "Dr. Blake had me make a list of what's okay and not okay to do physically. How will I know when I'm ready to do something new?"

She paused for a second. "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

"Like… If I'm standing on second base, how do I know when to move to third?"

Her mouth dropped open slightly and she chuckled. "Well… do you want to?"

"I don't know."

"Well when you think about the next step, is it… exciting? Or scary?"

"Both?" She laughed again and patted my cheek.

"I'm not sure I have an answer for you. It's one of those things you just… know. I'm not sure how to explain it. Something in your stomach just clicks. And you know. But it's not something you have to rush into. There's no race."

I rolled my eyes. "I know that. And it's not that I feel pressured to do more… but I think about it sometimes. Is that okay?"

"What do you mean, is that okay?"

My face flushed. "After everything that's happened… Is it okay that I'm having these feelings?"

She took my hands in hers. "Jen, you can't control how you feel. And no one has the right to feel any which way about your decisions. As long as you are being safe, and you and Will are in complete agreeance, with neither of you feeling pressured about anything, then great! Do what you want to. But also grant yourself some grace. If it takes months for you to get to that place, that's completely fine, too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as long as you're happy there's no right or wrong. Does that help any at all, or did I make everything more confusing?"

I smiled and stood from the table. "No, you helped." I pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Thanks, Mom."

"Anytime sweetheart."