Yay for chapter 53! Now like I said we'll be going into Olivia's first therapy session with Dr. Lindstrom after her second kidnapping from Lewis.
Again major spoilers for Post-Mortem Blues if you haven't seen it, and if you haven't you need to get on that!
Enjoy!
"Okay, fine, I did lie on the stand about how I used the force necessary to subdue him, but his demands that I admit to wanting what he did to me…that is not true. I never wanted that. Not the first time, and not this time either. And I never wanted a lawyer for this whole thing either!"
"Olivia, listen to me. It is your lawyer's job to tell you what to do whether there is going to be a trial or not, but it is my job to remind you that you survived a horrific experience and…" Dr. Lindstrom interjected, and Olivia shook her head.
"No. The truth of the matter is that I knew that I could die, I went willingly to Lewis, that's matter of fact." Olivia said resolutely, and Dr. Lindstrom leaned forward in his chair, replying,
"It was matter of fact. It's over."
"No it's not over!" Olivia said heatedly, adding, "He wants that image to be the last thing I see before I die, he wants to be inside my head!" She went to walk away, putting her hand to her head.
"You said wants. Olivia, he's not here anymore. I will deny ever saying this but sometimes shooting someone can and will bring closure."
"He shot himself! So I would have to live with that image, with all this aftermath!" Olivia exclaimed, and Dr. Lindstrom replied calmly,
"You don't have to do what he wanted you to. You're alive. You're here. He's gone."
"Is he?" Olivia asked quietly, and Dr. Lindstrom sighed.
"All right. Let's start from the beginning. Just tell me what he did to you. I don't care about the other details you'll have to explain to IAB, just tell me what he did."
Olivia told the doctor everything, staring at the floor and closing her eyes every so often. "And then he stood next to me, with the gun pointed at me, and then switched hands so he could grab my face and force me to look at him. He told me 'this is going to be the last thing you see before you die' and then pulled the trigger." Olivia finished softly, wrapping her arms around herself and slowly sitting down across from Dr. Lindstrom.
"Did you think he was going to kill you Olivia?"
"Yes. I did. The moment I left the condo and went to meet him I accepted the fact that I was more than likely going to die."
"And what were you thinking as he pointed the gun at your head, knowing that there was one chamber, and one bullet left."
"I thought…I thought about our lives together, and then I thought about how it was going to break Rafael's heart, and that I never wanted that for him. I never should've fallen in love with him, because the people I love always get hurt." Olivia said firmly, although a single tear slid down her cheek.
"You don't believe that." Dr. Lindstrom gently admonished, and Olivia bolted to her feet and started pacing again.
"You asked me what I was thinking, and that's what I was thinking! When Lewis saw my ring and took it from me, he kept taunting me about it, he knew it was Rafael who had given it to me and he kept saying he should record my death for his sake, or maybe just go get him and bring him to the granary. I've never been so terrified as I was in that moment. For me, for Amelia…and for Rafael. If I'd never gotten involved with him, Lewis would have no one to hurt."
"So you think you should distance yourself from everyone to keep them from getting hurt? That's a lonely life Olivia."
"I don't care! I'd rather have that than Rafael tied up or shot or…" Olivia stopped and covered her face for a moment. "That's why I left the condo that night. I was afraid that if I didn't, Lewis would come and find Rafael and take him, and he would have absolutely no reason to keep him alive."
"And have you told Rafael all of this?" Dr. Lindstrom questioned quietly, and Olivia shook her head.
"No, we haven't really talked about it at all. We were going to last night but I was exhausted and he told me to take my time." Olivia replied, turning around and facing him.
"Maybe it's time you should."
Olivia looked at him for a long moment and nodded slowly. "Maybe you're right."
"Call me and we'll schedule another appointment okay? In a few days at the most, and I don't usually recommend sleeping pills, Olivia, but if you find the nightmares to be too much, please let me know. I know a few different kinds that are natural sleep-aids and won't have serious side effects."
"Thank you." Olivia said softly, and went to get Rafael and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders as they headed down to the car.
Once they were back at the condo, Olivia went and sat on the couch, and a few minutes later Rafael joined her with two glasses of wine. "Wine? At 4 in the afternoon?" Olivia raised her eyebrows as she spoke, but took the glass offered to her.
"Ah, it's almost 5 o'clock." Rafael teased, sitting down next to her. Olivia turned to face him and took a deep breath, saying,
"I want to talk to you, about what happened."
"Okay. If you're sure you're ready." Rafael said simply, and Olivia nodded.
"You know most of it already, from IAB this morning. After that he forced me up to where Amelia was, and duct taped my legs to the table and handcuffed my hands to the sides. That's when he noticed my ring, and started taunting me about it. He took it, and figured out pretty easily that it was from you, and then he tossed it at Amelia, telling her it was for 'being a good little princess'."
"They'll find it." Rafael said soothingly, and Olivia shook her head.
"Please, just let me finish," he nodded, and she continued. "When we started playing Russian Roulette, he went first. It clicked, and he slid the gun to me. I didn't want to pick it up, but when he pointed his Glock at Amanda I pointed it at my own head. It took a few minutes but I…I pulled the trigger, and it clicked. He took his turn, and it clicked. That's when he heard the sirens and turned the radio on. It was my turn, and you probably heard that."
"Yeah, it was…terrifying." Rafael murmured, and Olivia nodded.
"Then his clicked again, and I knew, I knew it was over. One chamber and one bullet left. I…I know you must've hated it but I'm glad he turned the radio off. I didn't want you to hear that. And then he stood next to me, with that gun in his hand pointed at me, and he said 'I want this to be the last thing you see before you die'. And I knew I didn't want that to be true, so I…I thought of you. I thought of you when we first met, thinking you were an arrogant son of a bitch, and then our first time at our club, and then our first night together, and then when you proposed to me…" Rafael reached over and squeezed her hand. "And then I heard the shot and for a split second I thought I was dead, and I…I had so much regret. I knew this would break your heart and I hated that, and I wished for that split second that you'd never met me, so you wouldn't know this kind of pain, and I hated that I was the one that brought that on you." Olivia finished in a whisper, and Rafael gently pulled her into his arms.
"You listen to me. You don't have a say in whether you get hurt in your life or not, but you do have a say on who hurts you. And I'd choose you every damn time." Rafael murmured, and she put their glasses of wine down on the coffee table.
"When Nick took me down the stairs and I saw you standing there, it was like everything was gonna be okay. You were there, you were safe, and that's all that mattered." Olivia said quietly, and Rafael eased back a little.
"I was safe? You were worried about me?"
"Of course I was. The only reason, besides saving Amelia, I left here that night was because I was terrified Lewis would come take you, and he would have no reason to keep you alive. I couldn't let that happen!"
"Liv," he murmured, just pulling her close. "I'm just glad it's over, and we're both safe. That's all that matters to me."
"Okay." Olivia said quietly, and they both sat there in silence for a while. Olivia's phone dinged and she picked it up to glance at it.
"Nick?"
"No, Rita. We're due at IAB first thing tomorrow morning."
"Do you want me to come in with you again?" Rafael questioned, and Olivia looked up at him.
"I'm not sure if you can. IAB allows for the interviewee and their lawyer, and Rita's going to be there."
"Well if I can get Tucker to let me in, then great but if not I'll just wait outside." Rafael replied, and Olivia smiled.
"Sounds good."
That night they had a quiet dinner in, and got up early the next morning to head to IAB.
Once there, Tucker did allow Rafael and Rita into the interview room with Olivia providing that Rafael stick to being Olivia's fiancé and not her lawyer, which Rafael quickly accepted.
The questioning left off from the previous morning, with Olivia explaining how Lewis shot himself. Tucker shut the camera off and Rita furrowed her eyebrows.
"Let me get this straight Sergeant. With seconds to live, your squad rushing to your rescue, you're unarmed and tied and handcuffed to the table, he turns the gun on himself and ends his own life? Instead of yours?"
"That's exactly what happened." Olivia stated and Rita sat forward, asking,
"What exactly is going on?"
"Rita please," Tucker said, and looked back at Olivia. "Look we have no problem with Lewis being dead. But you telling us that he committed suicide makes it start to sound like a bad cover story."
"And it is the truth." Olivia stressed, and Tucker's partner laid out the evidence in front of them.
"The GSR, the prints on the gun, him being shot in the left temple, it all points to you having the gun and shooting him with your right hand."
"I didn't shoot Lewis." Olivia snapped, and Tucker stepped in, saying,
"Is it…is it possible there was a struggle for the gun? You were trying to save the little girl…"
"That's not what happened."
"If there was a struggle for the gun, and you pulled the trigger to save your life, and the life of the little girl…that's a case IAB can close."
Rita looked a little shocked that Tucker was offering such a thing, and Olivia glanced at Rafael, who was looking at her, and then back to Tucker. She leaned forward and repeated, "That is not what happened."
With a nod Rita stood up and said, "If that's all, we're done here. Let us know if you need a second interview." She led Olivia and Rafael out of the room, and Rafael glanced back at Tucker and his partner who were deep in discussion.
"Liv…" Rafael started to say, but Olivia shook her head.
"No. Don't even say it. That is not what happened."
"All right." Rafael conceded quietly, and Olivia drove back to the condo. When she didn't get out, Rafael turned to her.
"And don't say I can't go back to work. They have my gun and shield, but I'm on modified desk duty. I need to work, Rafael, all this laying around is doing me absolutely no good." Olivia knew what he was going to say, and countered before he even said it.
"All right, fine. I'll make something special for dinner since I took the day off already." Rafael conceded again, leaning over and kissing her on the cheek. He made to shut the door and leave and Olivia rolled the window down.
"Hey. I love you." Olivia called, and he turned back with a smile on his face.
"I love you too. Don't be surprised when Murphy sends you right back home!"
"In his dreams." Olivia replied as she drove off with a smile on her face.
But Rafael was right. When Murphy got into the precinct, he called Olivia into his office and told her to go home. "What you went through is far more taxing than you realize," he tried to tell her, but she shook her head.
"I deal with it better on the job."
"With all due respect I disagree," Murphy refuted, and Olivia raised her eyebrows. He glanced down at his desk and then back up at her, adding, "There's something else. Rumors are flying around that IAB wants to call this justifiable homicide."
Olivia stepped forward, saying firmly, "And I made it very clear to IAB that I would not perjure myself."
"No one's sad to see Lewis gone. And no one wants to see you go down for this. Play the game, Sergeant, get your story to line up with their facts." Murphy told Olivia, and she widened her eyes slightly.
"So appearances are more important than the truth."
"The truth doesn't always set you free," he stepped closer to her and lowered his voice, saying, "IAB wants to do the right thing, for once. Let them."
"With all due respect, I don't trust IAB. And I'm not sure I trust you either." Olivia shot back, and then turned and walked out.
While Olivia and Murphy were arguing in his office, Amanda, Nick and Fin were arguing in the bunk room. Fin wanted to back up IAB with the justifiable homicide, and Nick argued that they might be setting a trap for Olivia.
"Look, I don't trust IAB either, but I trust Murphy." Amanda interjected, and Nick got pissed.
"Why? Because he saved your ass? He comes waltzing in here and all of a sudden I'm the only one not throwing her under the bus?"
"Nobody's throwing her under the bus!" Fin argued back, and Nick brought up Murphy's 9 years of undercover work, saying that it changed him, and maybe not for the better.
And of course, that's when Murphy walked in and updated them about the case. "In light of the undetermined autopsy report, it's cleaner for everyone involved if we let IAB do the right thing."
"I'm not gonna lie." Nick snapped, and Murphy looked at him.
"Good. Don't. But you didn't see what happened, none of us did. That's all IAB needs to know."
Murphy walked back out, and Amanda followed him after shooting Nick a look. Olivia was already headed home, courtesy of Murphy's orders as her commanding officer.
Olivia spent the following day at home, having to endure little jokes from Rafael about her attempt at going back to work, but she knew that IAB was going to be interviewing her squad that day and no one was going to be in anyways.
It wasn't until that night that her phone rang, and it was Rita. IAB wanted to see them, immediately. They met at IAB and headed up, back to the interview room.
"We're sorry about the late hour, but IAB wants our report. Tonight." Tucker's partner told them, and Olivia replied,
"I already told you everything."
"So did the rest of your squad," Tucker said, flipping through a folder. "And your partner."
"So…what more is there to say?" Rita wanted to know, and both Tucker and his partner looked at Olivia.
"Sergeant, we both want to make sure you are aware of the repercussions of your account of what happened."
"My account? Lewis shot himself." Olivia said for what felt like the umpteenth time.
"And we're prepared to confirm that but if we do, it might not go away," Tucker's partner said ominously, and at Olivia's confused look he added, "The new Brooklyn DA might look upon this as an NYPD coverup. Your fiancé knows that as well as we do."
Olivia and Rita looked at Rafael who clenched his jaw. "Strauss. Yes, yes he might. He's new, looking to make a name for himself."
"Easy Barba." Rita admonished, and then looked at Olivia.
"No. I am not going to admit to justifiable homicide. That is not what happened."
"Liv…" Rafael said quietly, and Olivia just shook her head.
After a moment Tucker nodded and said, "Okay. The Brooklyn DA is waiting for us to call him back, we'll tell him that we have not found sufficient evidence to dispute your version of events." Olivia raised her hands a little as if to say 'finally' and Tucker added, "Good luck to you Sergeant Benson."
Rita said goodbye to the couple and left, and Rafael drove home. "Liv, you go on inside, Nick, Amanda, Fin and Munch are in there with some wine." Rafael told her as he pulled up outside their condo.
"What about you?" Olivia questioned, and Rafael shook his head.
"There's something I need to do first. I promise I'll tell you when I get home." Rafael replied, leaning over and kissing her before she got out and he drove off.
Olivia walked inside and Nick yelled, "She's here!"
"Thanks for the announcement." Olivia said with a chuckle as Amanda came up and handed her a glass of wine.
"Where's Pretty Boy?" Fin wanted to know as Olivia walked into the kitchen, and Olivia shrugged.
"He said he had to do something, that he'd be back soon."
"Well he's missing out. Here's to Lewis finally being out of our lives, especially yours Liv." Fin said as he raised his glass, and they all clinked their glasses together.
"You ready to get back to work?" Amanda asked with a half-smile, and Olivia nodded.
"Oh yes I am."
"Good. 'Cause I'm over Murphy." Nick replied, and Olivia shook her head.
"Well I hate to break it to you but it looks like he's gonna be around for awhile."
"1PP needs to put you back in charge." Fin said as he drained his glass of wine, and there was a knock at the door.
Olivia opened it and Murphy stepped through the door. "Lieutenant, come on it. We were just talking about you." Olivia said as she gave Nick a meaningful look that told him to zip his lip.
"What're you drinking Lieutenant?" Amanda asked, and Murphy shook his head as he shut the door.
"I'm fine thanks. I'm not bringing good news."
"Why?" Olivia queried, and everyone looked at Murphy in concern.
"I got a call from the Brooklyn DA. He's troubled by IAB's report."
Olivia stared at Murphy, knowing the implications of that. "You've gotta be kidding me." Fin spat, and Murphy shook his head.
"He and the police commissioner are still going at it, but it's been decided. They're convening a grand jury to investigate the death of William Lewis. I'm sorry."
Olivia closed her eyes for a moment and sighed as everyone had a combination of worry and disbelief on their faces. William Lewis was still haunting Olivia even after death.
Okay, so I guess we'll be getting to the awesome Barba fighting with Strauss scene in the next chapter! And once again I'll have to say that I hate that the only hint of Rafael in this episode was when Murphy said that Barba fought the Brooklyn DA tooth and nail. I mean that's so him, but I wish we could've seen him and Olivia together for at least one scene or something! But I guess that's why I'm writing this story!
Anyways, thank you all so much for reading and we shall be continuing the Post-Mortem Blues episode in the next chapter, and get into the grand jury testimony. I probably won't include most of the trial word-for-word, only the really good ones. I'll hopefully update soon, but I can't guarantee it'll be before Wednesday because I've got another exam that morning so I need to study for it up until then. But I'll update before the weekend I promise!
I hope you liked this chapter!
