Skyskater's Daily Note: I'm doing well! Thanks for asking =D
You can now send in requests for Alternative Soul Society Stories...well, not like you ever couldn't...but...xD
Daily Advice: This story is about to get even crazier. In come Kenpachi and Mayuri. I think we all know what's gonna happen xD.
Um, hello. I'm a CAPTAIN. I can handle these things on my own. I don't need other people to figure out life's crises for me. But NOOOO. Everybody thinks I'm just a little boy, and that I can't handle anything.
But of course not.
Basically, to put things simply, we ran out of toilet paper. In the only bathroom in the house/shop. Why? I don't know. Because we had a LOT of toilet paper. I mean, we had a whole crate of the jumbo-sized, triple, quadruple-ply rolls or whatever you call them! We had A LOT of toilet paper. Enough to last us through the next Ice Age, even. And somehow we ran out. Theories include:
Renji ate it.
Byakuya ate it.
Rukia used it to try and lasso the moon.
Ikkaku wanted to buff up his body.
Yumichika's brush that he uses to powder his face broke. Or Il Forte's brush broke.
Szayel was attempting to make a mummy.
Urahara and Yoruichi went and TPed a whole city. Just for kicks.
Chad used it to write letters to his brethren in Canada.
Grimmjow used it as an attempt to suffocate Nova.
Ulquiorra used it as a substitute for bubble wrap to encase his precious Hello Kitty/Chococat merchandise in.
Orihime and Matsumoto used it as a new kind of food product.
Ichigo used it to give as a present to Sara.
Ishida used it for sewing.
Or, of course, Hachi wanted to use it as his new product: Hachi's Magical Toilet Paper.
But so we ran out of toilet paper. Yoruichi was shocked out of her wits, shocked enough to stop having sex with the random dude on the ground, and Urahara got so freaked out he sent a distress call of complete and utter urgency to Soul Society. This distress call was promptly accepted (I don't know why...maybe the people up there don't have enough to do!), and Kenpachi and Mayuri were sent down in order to assist us in our time of need. Whatever.
So the two captains came down here to help us out. Mayuri promptly got himself interested/distracted with Szayel's latest study in "Texting Withdrawal, Subjects: Il Forte Grantz and Yumichika Ayasegawa" and Kenpachi, well, he demanded to be taken to this problem. So when we showed him the empty toilet paper roll, and told him we needed more "paper for the toilet", he promptly ran off, bulldozing through several walls and leaving a Kenpachi-shaped hole behind him. I was pretty surprised when he came back an hour later. I was expecting him to be gone far longer than that, being as how he has no sense of direction, but when you're bulldozing through walls like they don't even exist, then heck. You get around pretty quick, I guess.
But he came back an hour later. In one hand, he was holding a toilet. In the other, he was holding large quantities of paper with the brand "Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company" stamped on it. I don't know what the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company is, but...whatever. So after we explained that we needed TOILET PAPER, aka that white stuff he used to wipe his ass, he looked at us all funny and said, "So...you mean to say you don't use leaves?"
Okay. I officially am grossed out. Now I know where Renji began the dream to pursue his primitive desires. I blame Kenpachi. It's a wonder how Yachiru's hair manages to stay so pink and clean. You'd have thought it would have been all dirty and soot-black.
But anyway. He bulldozed through another set of walls and came back in fifteen minutes lugging a crate of toilet paper. I looked out the hole he had made in the wall, and let me tell you. Kenpachi could probably set off another World War if he wanted to. By himself. With the world as his enemy. There were fires, spewing hydrants, people running around screaming, the whole shibang. All started by ONE MAN. On a mission. A mission to get us toilet paper.
Now, why we couldn't have just gone to the store and calmly bought another crate of toilet paper, I will never know. But here, I guess it's that urge to needlessly complicate things that keeps us going.
And then Kenpachi spent the next hour trying to figure out how to get the toilet paper onto the roll. Or, rather, the toilet paper metal rack thing off the holders. Finally, in the end, he got his sword, calmly sliced the rack in half, pushed the toilet paper on it, and left. Problem solved. NOT.
Of course, if your definition of Kenpachi calm is cackling demonically to yourself while slicing through a toilet paper rack.
Mayuri stayed with us. I don't know why. It appears as though he and Szayel are having a very good time together, studying the effects of what they are now calling 'Texting Withdrawal Syndrome". It looks as though he and the gay dude are going to publish a seven hundred page report about symptoms of texting withdrawal and why it is a good idea not to get unlimited plans so teens are encouraged not to blow their texting bill through the roof.
And it looks like Kenpachi will be randomly appearing from time to time, since he wants to keep an eye on his other two officers. Probably because he wants to make sure they are not becoming civilized. Well, okay. In Ikkaku's case, to make sure he doesn't stop pondering about why the sky is blue so that he can remain stupid to fight without abandon because his mind will be on something else. In Yumichika's case, to make sure that he stays pretty, because if he doesn't, then the 11th division will lose a valued member. Whatever.
But yeah. So now, here I am, stuck with the problem of gluing the toilet paper rack together. With SuperGlue. Nobody else is entrusted to do this job, because they would glue themselves to...themselves...
I don't understand why we can't just buy a new toilet rack. But no. Urahara claims this is a special toilet rack, said to hold special powers and passed down from his great-great-great-grandmother. "A priceless family heirloom." he said.
I fail to see how a toilet rack is a priceless family heirloom. But whatever. Might as well humor him.
January 5
Monday
Gluing together "a priceless family heirloom" aka Stainless Steel Toilet Rack
Hitsugaya
A challenge sent in by Evil Demon Warrior Bunny.
ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SEND KENPACHI TO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD AND MAKE HIM START A WORLD WAR ALL BY HIMSELF! ON YOUR DOORSTEP!!!!
Later!
Skyskater
And Shiro-chan
