She snuggled her face up against the soft pillow, readjusting her arm underneath it. And as she became more aware, she felt it.
His warmth.
Her eyes fluttered open and she turned her head, to see Fitz lying on his stomach, face turned away from her. But his arm was still draped over her back. It was as if he hadn't wanted to separate himself from her, even though they had shifted in their sleep.
She raised her head to look at the clock, seeing that it was not even eight in the morning. Jesus, she thought. No wonder he was still asleep.
She, herself, tried to fall back asleep, but now her mind was racing.
What the hell were they supposed to do now?
There was clearly no turning back. The clothes had come off. The intimacy had returned. The deed was done.
And man, had it been fantastic.
But she still couldn't help but wonder how they were going to proceed.
She sighed, feeling like she was thinking about this like it was some sort of business transaction.
It wasn't. It was him. It was the love of her life. It was such conflicting feelings, such a complicated situation, that she didn't know how to think about it.
All she did know was that she loved him, and wanted to be with him.
But what about her parents? What about the fact that they were trusting her to be here, even in such close proximity to the man she was supposed to be staying away from.
Because she was supposed to be. At least, if she wanted to respect her parents' wishes.
Well, she clearly had failed at that. Because here they were, naked in his bed.
The only way to describe what she was feeling was simply conflicted.
And she knew that she would feel this way. She knew that from the beginning, when she had made a move on him the prior night. But now the time was here, when she was supposed to figure out what to do.
She slowly inched herself out from under his arm, trying so hard not to wake him.
She slowly sat up, completely naked, looking for anything at all to cover herself with. His shirt was the first thing she saw, so she grabbed it and put it on.
She tiptoed around his bedroom, looking for wherever the hell Fitz had thrown her underwear. She eventually found them a few feet from his nightstand, which made her smile and shake her head. She glanced at him briefly before leaving his bedroom.
He looked so beautiful when he slept. So peaceful. His quiet breathing and that one unruly curl that rested on his forehead never failed to make her smile.
She walked quietly out of his room and down the hall, to the kitchen. She opened the cupboard where he kept all his coffee, and rummaged around in it, hoping to find the few tea bags that should've been in the box. And luckily, there were two left, so she was able to make some.
She just needed some time to think by herself. Away from the beautiful man in the bedroom down the hall, who had no idea that she was trying to decide if she regretted what they had done or not.
Her heart and her brain were telling her two different things. And she just wasn't sure which she wanted to listen to.
She sat and drank her tea at the table, running her fingers through her messy hair. Messy due to sleep, and messy due to...other activities.
But she didn't get much alone time anyway, because not long after, she heard his questioning voice, and saw his adorable self walk quietly into the kitchen.
"Olivia?" he asked softly. And then their eyes met.
He was just in a pair of boxers, and his hair was a mess. But he looked perfect to her.
"Good morning" she greeted. "Good morning" he greeted back. "I hope you don't mind...I helped myself to some tea" she said with a laugh. "Oh, no worries. That's yours anyway. After that Starbucks incident, I haven't had much tea," he said with a smile.
She laughed. "Ah, right. The tea brewed from...the depths of hell, if I remember your voicemail correctly?" she giggled. "Exactly right" he chuckled. "Well, here, I'll make you some coffee," she said, getting up. He followed her, not saying anything back. And after she filled up the water, she stood there while she waited for it to pour.
And he stood behind her.
She felt his arms around her, while he tucked his head into her neck, pressing soft kisses to her skin.
"This shirt looks great on you," he said, in between his kisses. She smiled, resting her hand on top of his arm, which was wrapped around her. But then she pulled it away, as the coffee began to pour. Obviously, he took notice.
"Everything...okay?" he asked. "I don't know" she replied honestly with a sigh.
He let go of her and stepped back a few feet, starting to wander around the kitchen. "You want to have the talk," he said.
"The...talk?" she asked, grabbing the full mug of coffee and handing it to him. "Thanks. Yeah. The talk. The 'what are we' talk" he said, as they both walked to the table.
They sat there in silence, neither of them really sure how to proceed. So he broke the silence.
"We had sex."
She looked up at him, to see if he was joking. He didn't seem to be, as he had a fairly serious look on his face.
"Yes," she nodded.
"Really good sex."
Now she looked at him to see him giving her a playful smile, clearly trying to add a little humor to the situation.
And she smiled, laughing a little bit.
"You're not wrong" she replied.
"Oh come on. I used all my good moves and that's the response I get? You're not wrong?" he asked. Which, made her laugh again. "I'm trying to be serious here, Fitz," she said.
He nodded. "I know. I'm sorry."
"No, you don't...don't be sorry," she said. "Your moves were fantastic" she added with a smile.
And he smiled back.
"I don't want you to feel like what I said last night wasn't true...or what we did didn't mean anything," she said.
He looked confused. "Well...I didn't think either of those things, but now I'm a little worried" he replied.
She shook her head. "No, I...I don't want you to feel that way either" she said sadly.
He sat back in his chair. "You made the move on me, Olivia. But look...I know I can be flirty with you, and...maybe I went too far. I wasn't ever going to make that move, and I never want you to feel pressured, or uncomfortable. So if I made you feel that way, I am so sorry. I didn't...I never ever want that," he said regrettably.
"No, no, no. Fitz, absolutely not. Never. I did make the move, that was all me. You have never ever made me feel that way. I want that to be very clear to you" she said. He nodded.
"I was hoping I didn't make you feel pressured or uncomfortable" she added. He shook his head. "No. Never" he replied. She nodded thankfully.
"So...you're regretting that you made the move?" he questioned. She sighed. "I don't know" she replied honestly.
He nodded, seeming a bit sad, but also understanding. "You deserve nothing but the truth, and...that's the truth. And you also deserve an apology" she said.
He raised his eyebrows.
"It was selfish of me. I knew that I was going to feel this way. I knew that and I still...I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't...I just wanted you. I want you. And I love you. I'm just sorry" she said sadly.
But his reaction was something she had not been expecting.
He laughed.
"Liv, that's sweet of you. But...you don't have to apologize here," he said.
She raised an eyebrow.
"Why are you apologizing for what happened? I wanted it to happen too. I want you too. I love you too. You don't need to apologize for any of that. I already know you feel conflicted. We addressed that weeks ago. Why else would you be able to cut the sexual tension between us with a knife?"
She smiled and looked down at the table. Yeah, that was true.
"We just...gave into that tension last night," he shrugged.
She sighed thankfully. "You're such a sweetheart," she said, reaching a hand out to him. He smiled and reached out to grab her hand.
"Why?" he questioned. "I just...I thought..." she began.
He shot her a look. "Please tell me you didn't think I was going to be...mad...about this, Olivia," he said.
She grimaced. "I don't know. I just...you have to understand that I'm still trying to...deal with my mistake. I'm just trying so hard not to hurt you, or...do anything wrong. I just care about you so much and...thinking about hurting you again makes me sick" she said quietly.
He sighed, and let go of her hand. "Come here," he said, waving her over. She hesitantly got up. "Come on, don't worry. We're not gonna have sex" he chuckled, which made her smile. She sat on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, something that had been becoming familiar between them.
"Look at me. Look at my face, I'm not mad" he said, giving her his biggest smile. She laughed and leaned her head down against his chest. "Okay," she nodded. "Good. Then you need to relax a little bit, okay? You're walking on eggshells with me and it's killing you. Just let go, be you. Be my Livvie" he said.
Her face perked up. Livvie.
She nodded and smiled. "You're right."
"Yes I am" he nodded back.
"You can take as long as you need to decide what you need to decide. You know that I will wait. I've told you that. If...you want some space from me for a while, I'll give you that. If you want to talk to your parents before anything else, do that. If you still aren't ready to talk to them, that's okay. Anything is okay. These are your parents, I understand that this is hard, and such a weird, complicated situation. So whatever you want to do, I'm on board with it."
She hugged him tighter, so thankful that he was understanding. Thankful that he was how he was. Just thankful for him.
"And I mean, if you want to date me or something…that's cool too" he added.
She pulled back to look at him and giggled at his smiley face.
"Well one thing's for sure, I do not want space from you. We've had way too much of that" she said.
He nodded. "I agree."
"I was going to talk to them the next time I went home. Which…would be for Thanksgiving break, like we talked about. And…I guess the 'right' thing to do would be to wait until I do that. Even though…we already fucked up once" she said. "We did, but…that's alright with me, Liv, we can continue to wait. Whatever you say, goes. This is your decision to make" he nodded.
She sighed sadly. "I just...don't want to wait that long," she said quietly.
"Then don't. You can…drive down one of your free weekends in October if you're able or…even early November is sooner than Thanksgiving" he said.
She nodded. "I know. I think…I may have to. Otherwise I'm going to have to stay away from this cute face of yours longer, and I don't know how I'd do that" she said, tapping his nose lightly. He smiled and tightened his grip around her. "Hey…you can look, but you can't touch," he said with a smile.
She raised an eyebrow.
"There are a lot of things I could say to that," she said with a laugh.
He chuckled and pulled her closer, so that she leaned her head against his. "We really just friend zoned ourselves again" she sighed.
He laughed. "No, actually this time you friend zoned me. I did it the first time" he said. She shook her head. "We have issues," she said with a laugh. "Yeah. Maybe a little bit. But, hey, at least I'm a good friend. Remember?" he asked. She giggled. "Yes. I remember."
She sat there on top of him, before starting to get up. "Hey," he said, pulling her back down gently. "I'm just gonna need one thing before we start yet another journey of…friendship" he said. "What?" she asked. He turned his head and tapped his cheek, indicating that he wanted a kiss there. She smiled, and thought about it.
No more stepping on eggshells with him.
She placed a single finger underneath his chin and turned his face back towards her. And before she could come up with all the reasons as to why she shouldn't, she kissed him. On the mouth.
He certainly didn't turn her down. He just seemed willing to go as far as she wanted to take him. So when their lips disconnected briefly after their first kiss and she went back in, he did too.
She pulled his top lip into her mouth, raking her fingers through his hair. And then she felt his tongue in her mouth.
It went on like that a little while, proving to be a nice morning makeout session in the kitchen chair. Which, they had definitely done before.
And when they finally pulled away, he smiled at her.
"There's my Livvie."
She smiled and kissed his nose, before getting off of his lap. At least they had that to tide them over for a while. Maybe.
He cleared his throat as he adjusted himself a little bit through his boxers, clearly trying to hide the fact that that had aroused him.
She smiled at him, but didn't address it.
"You going to head out soon…then?" he asked. She sighed. "Um. Yeah, I think so. Abby had a speech I was going to help her out with today. And…I'm sure she'll want to hear all about my somewhat successful dinner" she said with a laugh. "Right, yeah. Okay. I have…some work anyway that I should…probably do" he nodded.
So, after she finished her tea, she went to grab her things, leaving his shirt on the bed for him.
And when she did finally leave his apartment that morning, she didn't feel all that great.
It wasn't any symptoms of an illness bringing her down.
It was just her heart.
Why? Why did things have to be like this?
She didn't even want to cry, or breakdown, or scream. She just wanted things to be how they had been during her sophomore year. She just wanted him. That's all she wanted. It had been all she wanted since she met him.
It felt as though she was trying to choose between her parents and him. Trying to choose between making her parents happy and trying to salvage what was left of her relationship with them, and being happy on her own with the man she loved.
But did it really make sense to try and make her parents happy when the whole reason she was going to talk to them was to tell them she wanted to be with him, regardless?
And did it really matter all that much, when they had already crossed that line last night?
She sighed as all of the information swirled helplessly around in her head. It was all so complicated and strange. The whole situation was just awful.
And she just hoped that he was okay. He didn't deserve any of this. He just deserved to be happy.
She walked sadly into her apartment, putting her things down on the counter quietly. She figured she'd make herself some eggs since she was hungry. At least that would be a pick me up. Maybe.
She started getting everything ready to scramble some eggs, trying to be as quiet as she could since it was still fairly early in the morning. But, it didn't seem to work, because Abby showed up ten minutes later, looking sleepy.
"Morning, Liv" she greeted.
Olivia turned around from the stove. "Oh, morning, Abby. I'm sorry, I tried hard not to wake you" she replied. "Oh, no it's okay. I need to work on this stupid speech anyway. How did everything go last night?" she asked, sitting down on a stool.
"Um...it went okay. He liked the dinner, I think. I was proud" Olivia nodded. Abby smiled. "Oh good, I'm glad Liv!" she exclaimed. Olivia gave her a smile and scooped the eggs out of the pan onto her plate, and then grabbed a second plate for Abby, as she had made a good amount anyway.
She turned off the stove and handed Abby her plate. "Oh thanks," she said. Olivia nodded and came around to sit next to her. "And...how'd the rest of the night go?" Abby questioned. Olivia was silent for a few moments before answering.
"We slept together."
Abby nodded casually. "Well, yeah, you did that last time too" she replied, eating another bite of eggs.
"No, no. I mean, we slept together" Olivia clarified.
Abby started choking, coughing uncontrollably. "Wait. You had sex?" she exclaimed in between coughs.
Olivia patted her back a few times and raised an eyebrow at her.
"Yes," she nodded with a laugh.
And then Abby let out a nice scream.
Olivia winced and plugged her ears. "Abby, it is way too early for that shit."
That didn't affect Abby a single bit, of course.
"WOO! Finally! Thank baby Jesus! You two drive me fucking insane sometimes. You don't fuck him the first night at the club. Or the second night at the club. Or when you went all 'nurse Olivia' on him. It's about damn time" she said with a smile, still recovering from her egg incident.
Olivia smiled at her and shook her head. And Abby seemed to notice that something was wrong.
"What's wrong? Did he lose all his skills in the bedroom or something? Did his dick shrink?" she asked
"No, Abby," Olivia said with a laugh.
"Well…why aren't you happy then? Talk to me" Abby said, turning towards her.
Olivia sighed. "It's just...I'm so conflicted. I really don't know what to do. We talked about it, I decided we should wait until I talk to my parents. Only...I still haven't figured out when I'm going to do that, and...I don't even know if that's what I want. God, I don't know."
"Jesus, what is it with you two having sex and then declaring your friendship afterward!? Friends don't fuck each other Liv!" Abby exclaimed. Olivia nodded. "Yeah, I know. We're clearly just not good at being friends. We are gonna have to try a lot harder with that one" Olivia said, shaking her head.
"Of course you're not good at being friends. How could you be when you two can't even go five minutes without seeing each other" she giggled. Olivia shot her a look. "Okay, not true" she replied. Abby shrugged. "Eh, kinda true" she mumbled. "Okay, so...you want to respect what your parents want...but you also want to be with him...now. Am I right, or...is that wrong?" Abby asked.
Olivia sighed. "Yeah, you're right. But having both isn't possible" she replied.
"What does your gut say?" Abby asked.
Olivia shook her head. "I don't...I don't know. My gut is broken" she said, putting her head in her palm.
Abby put a hand on Olivia's arm. "This is a hard position for you to be in, Liv. Try not to beat yourself up about it, okay? Things will be alright. And pretty boy is understanding and supportive so you won't have to worry about that" she said, trying to cheer her up.
"He is. He was so understanding this morning. He's just...he's so perfect. He doesn't deserve this," Olivia said sadly.
"Olivia, you don't deserve this either. You don't deserve to be unhappy because your parents don't approve. They haven't even met him. They made assumptions because, what? He's older? He's white? He's been your professor? Like seriously, who the hell gives a flying fuck? Have you ever just sat down and thought about why the hell it matters? You love who you love. Period. And Fitz is a hell of a guy to love. He's got it. He's got it figured out. He's everything they should want in, I'm just gonna say it, a potential son-in-law. Because let's be real here, you're gonna marry him. You are gonna marry the fuck out of that man. And they don't have a say in that."
Olivia smiled as she watched Abby let out a big sigh. "Glad I got that shit off my chest. Whew, that needed to be said" she nodded.
Olivia leaned in and hugged her. "You called him Fitz."
"What?" Abby asked. "When you were talking about him. You called him Fitz. You didn't say pretty boy" Olivia said.
Abby shrugged. "Well...you know, it was a serious moment."
Olivia laughed. "That won't happen again though, that felt weird" Abby added.
"It did sound a little weird, coming from you" Olivia agreed. "But...thank you. For saying all of that. It means a lot to me, Abby. This is hard, and...I honestly don't know how I would've gotten through any of this without you by my side. You've always been my biggest supporter, from the very beginning. So...thank you. Thank you so much" Olivia said gratefully.
Abby smiled. "Oh, Liv, of course. It's what best friends are for. I love you. Always. Whatever happens, I'll be there. I'll support you. No matter what you decide. And...not just with this. I mean anything and everything. We're a team. Over a cliff, right?" she asked with a smile. "Over a cliff" Olivia nodded, taking Abby's hand.
And so, while Olivia wasn't any closer to feeling better about her situation, she at least knew she had multiple people by her side, no matter what. Fitz, himself. Abby. And Sandra and Stephen, whom she'd been trying to keep as updated as possible through text.
But even as that day went on, her decision began to weigh down on her. She showered, which at least felt nice. And later, she helped Abby tweak her speech, and served as her "audience" while she practiced giving the speech.
Abby had never been a fan of public speaking, so whenever she had to do it for a class, her nerves kicked into overdrive, and it's all she thought about. So Olivia was always glad to help her friend. But as she helped, part of her brain was still elsewhere.
Thinking about him. Thinking about how he was doing. Thinking about if the decision she had made this morning, had been affecting him as badly as it had been affecting her.
Fitz laid on his bed, trying to find something half-decent to watch on TV. He was taking a break from work, which he'd been trying to get done all day. And he had, for the most part at least. But it had taken far too long to complete the amount of work that he had done.
And he knew why.
Because his mind never gave him a god damn break.
He tossed the remote on the bed and got up, craving something to drink. He stood up and stretched, feeling everything crowd his mind. His head just felt messed up.
Kind of like his sheets still were from last night.
Yeah, they'd messed them up pretty good.
Maybe it was his bedroom that was fucking with his head. That was never allowing her to leave his mind.
After all, it was the place that had reconnected them. The place that he'd left his heart on his sleeve, giving himself to her. And she had done the exact same thing.
And now, here they were, back at square one.
It wasn't that he was complaining. He had told her that he understood. And frankly, he could have predicted this. Because he felt for her, he really did. So he was not complaining. He was a grown man. He could wait. He had self-control, and he had respect for her and her decisions.
But it didn't stop him from being sad.
Because he wanted her, and he wanted her now. He wanted her more than anything else. But that's why he would wait for her, no matter how long.
He searched through the fridge for something to drink, and decided on lemonade. Her favorite. Of course.
But ever since he'd met Olivia, he had taken a particular liking to it for some odd reason.
He looked at the clock and sighed. 4:29 pm. He figured he might as well get his work done with the remainder of his night, so that he could relax all day tomorrow. Not like he had much else to do anyway. Well, besides get distracted by thoughts of her.
But that was normal at this point.
Olivia laid on her bed, looking through her Fitz box. She and Abby had just finally gotten done with going through her speech for the day, after multiple breaks, so Olivia retired to her room to do something that would maybe be a little more fun. Something that would make her smile.
Although, part of her wished she hadn't done every last bit of homework for the weekend. She hated homework, yes, but at least she would have had something to keep things off her mind if she still had some to do.
But usually he snuck into her head anyway, she supposed.
By now, it was almost eight o'clock, and she was fairly sure that she regretted her decision. She was pretty positive.
As she looked through all of their pictures together, it struck her just how happy they both looked in all of them.
And she stopped to really think about it. To really think about how she'd been feeling these past months.
It hadn't been good.
And Fitz. He was a fairly happy guy. He could have his down days, just like everyone, but for the most part, he usually had a smile on his face and a good attitude.
But in those pictures, it was an entirely different level.
In those pictures, the happiness seemed to radiate off of him. His smile, so big. His eyes, so happy. And the same could be said for Olivia, in those pictures.
She remembered those times, and how happy they had been. The times when his letters were full of love, teasing, and little jokes, rather than more sad, serious topics.
It had all been on her. Her parents finding out, lying to Fitz, the recent decision to keep their distance until she talked to her parents. Everything had been on her.
So she made a decision. A new decision. The decision that she felt was right, and had been thinking about all day.
She put her box away, grabbed her purse and her phone, and went out to the living room.
She put on her shoes and her jacket, before Abby looked over at her.
"Liv…where you going?"
Olivia grabbed her things and opened the door, looking back at her.
"To go claim what's mine."
Fitz sat on the couch, feet propped up on the table, looking through his emails. All of which, were from Cyrus, Sam, and Nancy for the most part, discussing work. Boring.
There was one about the Holiday student/faculty mixer, though, which was a little more fun to read. He never went to that, just because it usually took place at the end of November. And normally, he spent an extended Thanksgiving break in Malibu with his father, so he always missed it.
That, of course, all ended last year. And since then, he hadn't gone back, and honestly didn't know the next time that he would.
Maybe this year he'd try out this famous mixer that everyone always raved about.
As he read through some of the details, he heard a knock on his door. He raised an eyebrow and looked at his watch. 8:13 pm. Seemed like an odd time for a visitor.
He shut his laptop and walked over to the door to open it, having no idea who he was about to see on the other side.
And his heart skipped a beat when he did see who it was.
"Olivia, hi. What are you—." "I'm done being friends," she interrupted.
And with that, she entered his apartment. He let her pass, their bodies brushing together. "Wait—what? I don't…I'm so confused" he said.
She tossed her bag on the floor and began taking off her shoes and coat. "I'm done trying to be the good little girl who obeys. I'm done. I want you, now. And nobody is going to stop me from being with you. Nobody" she said. "What about what your parents want?" he questioned.
"Fuck my parents."
His heart pounded in his chest as he watched her remove her outerwear, defying anyone and everyone who wanted to get in her way. Anyone and everyone who was going to keep her from him.
"If you'll still have me" she added.
And he didn't hesitate.
"Yes. A thousand times, yes."
She smiled and leaned in to kiss him, her hands resting on his shoulders as she jumped into his arms. He wrapped his arms around her back and pulled away to look at her. "You're serious" he whispered, feeling the big smile on his face. "I'm serious" she whispered back, returning that same big smile.
"Oh my god," he said, gently pressing her against the wall in the kitchen and giving her a kiss. "Oh my god. Oh my god," he said again, pecking her lips again and again. She giggled and kissed him back each time, as the color rushed to her cheeks. "I love you. More than anything else" she said, hugging him tightly. "I love you so much" he whispered back, hugging her just as tightly.
He leaned back in to kiss her, still having her pinned against the wall.
"Now are you gonna take off your clothes, or what?" she giggled, after pulling away.
He smiled and set her down, pulling his shirt over his head and dropping it on the floor. She grabbed his hand and started leading him down the hallway, letting him go so that she could take off her shirt. He eyed her up and down as she walked backward towards his bedroom, removing her clothing one piece at a time.
The sight had him hard within seconds.
His fingers fumbled with his belt buckle, but he finally managed to get it off just as he neared his doorway.
And by the time they reached his bedroom, they had transformed from friends to lovers once more.
And lovers, they would stay.
Woah...
I'm sure y'all were about ready to fight me when they decided on "friends" again. But yeah, that was not going to last long.
"Friends" is out of the question now. They crossed that line, they did the deed.
And it's all coming back full circle now. From Fitz, coming to her door to tell her he wanted to take the risks, and date her, to now, Olivia coming to his door, not allowing anything to come between them anymore. (Aka "Fuck my parents," lol!)
This was a good chapter for Olivia. She has really been trying hard to maintain a good relationship with her parents, and to honor the trust they put in her, but also build up that trust with Fitz. And she did really go through that period of feeling like she had to choose sides.
She chose Fitz.
You can see this growth continue to happen for her. She's making it very, very clear that she never wants to do anything to hurt him again, or hurt the development of trust that she is beginning to earn back. She is also making it clear that she's not going to let her parents decide this anymore, as it is rightfully her decision, and her life. And within these past couple chapters, she's made it extremely clear that she loves Fitz more than anything else. And while she may stumble once in a while, she only continues to develop.
I hope you all liked this one, this was a biggie.
Read on!
With Love,
~T
