Episode 3x11: Going Home
Snow and Charming's Cartoon All-Stars were gathered at the graveyard for a pep talk. "So, an unstoppable curse is coming to imprison us in a false reality at the whim of a mad sorcerer?" Mary Margaret frowned. "Haven't we already done that plotline to death?"
Emma elbowed her baby-granddaddy. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be all-powerful? Fix this!"
"No can do, dearie. If I knew how to take down my old man, I'd have done it when I was five." Gold slapped Regina on the back. "Looks like it's all up to you, old buddy."
"Gold, I couldn't destroy a sheltered, five-foot-tall pacifist." The former queen indicated her stepdaughter. "What makes you think I can take Pan?"
"The person who last used the scroll can undo the Dark Curse."
Emma glared at him. "You might have mentioned that back in Season One when my son was committing suicide over it!"
Over at the Lake Nostos Interdimensional Embassy, Pan was prancing victoriously around the well. "I do it all because I'm eeevil! And I do it all for free, your tears are all the pay I'll ever need!"
"Oh pookie, you're so hot when you're murderous," Felix sighed adoringly.
"I don't have to kiss anyone to undo the curse, do I?" asked Regina warily. "Because that could damage my already-shaky reputation as a villain."
"Nah, you've just got to destroy the scroll, but be wary," Gold cautioned. "In case you weren't listening the first 57,986 times I said this, all magic comes with a price."
"Get out of town! Really?" Shaken, Regina collected herself. "Well, I can deal with that startling new revelation later. Gold, I presume you're going to tell me exactly what the villains are up to and give me a detailed overview of why and how I should stop them?" Everyone looked at him expectantly.
The pawnbroker looked weary. "Geez, you people had better hope nothing ever happens to me. Alright, I'm gonna put Henry back in Jared Gilmore mode for you, but when all of this is over, I demand a vacation."
Felix peered into the wishing well, eyeing the steaming potion inside curiously. "Hey pookie, weren't you supposed to collect a lock of hair from all of the darkest souls in the land in order to get to this point?"
"No."
"Well, I can't refute a well-reasoned explanation like that. So, can I lick the beaters now?"
"Not just yet. We haven't added the heart of the person I love most."
"Who is it? Your wife? Did she finally decide to exist."
"Don't be silly, Felix. You know you're the only girl for me."
"Aw, pookie, you're so sw—" Felix paled. "Uh-oh. I don't suppose you'd believe me if I said I've been cheating on you?"
"Nope."
"Damn!"
"I wish I could say I'm sorry about this, Felix, but it would just come off sounding phony." Giggling evilly, which should have been an oxymoron, he reached for the other boy's chest.
"Come on, pookie!" Felix wheedled frantically. "You wouldn't really sacrifice a helpless kid who loves and worships you, just for power—oh man, I'm seriously screwed."
"You know, you're about three times my size," Panry observed dispassionately. "If you really object to this, you could always try putting up a fight." But Felix just stood there and waited patiently for Pan's hand to plunge into his chest. "Yeah, I think some part of you must be enjoying this." He tore the organ out and drop-kicked it into the brew. "Farewell, my favorite sucker."
"So, if I'm back in my own body, I'll have the scroll and I can bring it to you." Henry's eyes sparkled. "Ooh, or use it to extort a higher allowance."
"Don't even think about it!" his various parents and grandparents warned, readying their weapons.
"And there's another potential snafu with this plan," Regina noted. "If you have the ability to transfer people into different bodies, why the hell have you opted to stay in that one?"
"I'll have you know my fangirls and their fair queen Belle find me very attractive!" Gold defended. Everyone looked at him skeptically. "All right, all right, I don't know how," he admitted sheepishly, "but I could probably fake my way through it if I had the wand of the evil Black Fairy, who was exiled by the good fairies."
Tinkerbell raised her hand. "Hey, are we talking about Maleficent here or what?"
Gold shrugged. "Beats me."
"Well, either way, the wand is probably secreted away in Blue's sock drawer, along with her glow stick collection and those love letters from Santa Claus that she thinks nobody knows about."
"All right, let's go ransack a convent! Heroically," David added belatedly. He draped an arm around Hook and another around Neal. "Emma's sick of being subjected to your lame attempts at romance, so you'll come with me."
"Can I come, too?" Tink pleaded. "I haven't seen any action in like seven episodes, and I'm bored out of my mind."
"Excellent. The rest of you can come back to the shop and help me fire up the grill." Gold giggled evilly, which should have been an oxymoron. "I'm making escargot!"
As the crowd started to disburse, Henry hesitated. "Wait, guys. Seeing as how our enemies are notorious for their ability to fly, do you think maybe we should look up?"
"We choose not to notice that!"
Meanwhile, back in beautiful British Columbia, Snow White and her prince were staring quizzically at the Blue Fairy. "I've been trying to give this plan the benefit of the doubt because I'm desperate, but...seriously, a magic closet? You really think this load of contrived BS is going to work?"
"No, but I've got nothing better to do with my time, so I figure we might as well give it a try," the fairy replied indifferently.
"But how is our daughter supposed to save us if she doesn't even know who we are?"
"Er…maybe sometime before she turns twenty-eight, she'll happen to give birth to a son who will just happen to be adopted by the one person with the power to bring him into the curse and he'll just happen to befriend you and a book detailing exactly what needs to be done to lift the curse will just happen to appear out of thin air and you'll just happen to give it to him, and he'll just happen to believe in it, and he'll just happen to successfully track her down and share it with her, and she'll just happen to follow him home permanently?"
"That's the most preposterous thing I've ever heard in my life!" Snow ranted. "You're fired!"
"But it's going to happen! The manipulative Satanic weirdo you locked in your basement mentioned it in the course of his mad ramblings! What further proof do you need?" Snow gave her an incredulous look. The Blue Fairy shook her head sternly. "You really need to become more gullible. You call yourself a Disney Princess?" The fairy flew away, looking disappointed.
Snow turned in her husband's arms. "We're not really going to go along with this, are we?"
"Do you have a better idea?"
"When the curse comes, we could shut our eyes, stick our fingers in our ears, and go 'la la la la la' really loudly." Charming raised his eyebrows skeptically, and she sighed. "Okay, maybe not. I'm just a little emotional. This baby is the only remotely pleasant thing that's ever happened to us, and we're going to lose her!"
"Comfort mode," Charming offered. "Together we've conquered nations, come back from the dead, put away the two most powerful sorcerers in the world, and even learned how to parallel park! The upcoming apocalypse will be a minor setback, at worst."
"But I don't want to raise this kid alone! Single parents around here have nothing but trouble! What if she defects to another family, runs away to another dimension, or gets amnesia and forgets me?"
He shook her. "I said COMFORT MODE, woman!"
A vacant smile spread across Snow's face. "Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. I will always find you."
"Damn straight."
Over at the Little Pawnshop of Horrors, Mary Margaret looked wistfully at her daughter's former mobile. "We could have been so adorable together," she mourned.
"I don't know, I think we're pretty adorable as it is," said Emma, putting an arm around her mother.
"Sorry again for giving you up, though I still think that my excuse was a little better than yours.".
"Yeah, that really wasn't the brightest idea I've ever had. Who the hell has a closed domestic adoption in this day and age? And has her baby illegally placed in a different state, clear across the country? Through a freaking pawnbroker?" Emma sighed. "If adoption on this show worked anything like it does in real life, my relationship with Henry would be so much different."
The boy in question walked in, flanked by his loving mom-slash-great-grandma and Belle. He gave the latter a double-take. "Excuse me, who the hell are you and why the hell are you comforting me?"
"You can call me Grandma," the girl offered cheerfully.
Henry glanced over at Mary Margaret and back to Belle. "Okay. Why the hell not?"
"The fate of our world rests in your hands, Henry," said Emma. "Are you nervous?"
"Nah, I'm used to it by now."
Meanwhile, Gold was thumbing through a cookbook titled Inhumane Delights. "Ah, here we are. Escargot Surprise. Four cloves of garlic, three tablespoons of fresh parsley, and plenty of boiling oil." He giggled evilly, which should have been an oxymoron, and fired up the grill. "I think we've got everything all set. As soon as our associates are done heroically robbing the nuns, we should be good to go."
Over at the convent, three nuns were kneeling uncertainly before their abbess' casket. "So…are we still Catholic, or not?"
"There's no time to figure that out now," said Tinkerbell, barging in with the largest contingent of hot men the convent had ever seen. "We need the wand of that fairy who may or may not be Maleficent."
"But Blue said it was evil."
Tink rolled her eyes. "Blue said that puppy love was evil."
The Shadow, being a well-brought-up manifestation of dark magic, knocked on the door. "Fight, fight, fight, fight!" it sang.
"It must want the wand," said Hook. "Well, we've got first dibs, so get lost!"
"AAAAAAAAH!" David was too scared to even get into comfort mode. That was when everyone knew they were in real trouble.
"It's all over!"
"Run for your lives!"
"We're doomed!" they screamed, cowering under the nearest pew.
The nuns bolted for the door. "Quick, let's go pray for some better protectors!"
The Shadow burst through a stained glass window. "Go away!" yelled David.
"No," replied the Shadow.
"You're dead weight today, David!" grumbled Hook, shoving him back under the bench.
Hook was stalking through the jungles of Neverland, smoldering aimlessly as usual, while Smee puffed along behind him. "Captain, we have an entire ship full of men. Why did you bring only one short, flabby, unarmed guy along for backup?"
"We live in the age of corporal punishment," Hook reminded him, taking a cat o'nine tails out of his coat. "If you know what's good for you, you'll stop questioning me."
"Sorry, boss."
"Just shut up and help me find a way off this damn island while the Others are still busy destroying the Dharma Initiative. I've got to kill the Dark One quickly, before one of his other mortal enemies beats me to the punch." As Hook turned around and continued on, a big wall emblazoned with the words "Essential Characters Only" slammed down between him and Smee, leaving him alone.
Tinkerbell jumped him, holding a knife to his throat. He smiled. Tinkerbell frowned. "Hey, aren't you going to fight back?"
"Nah, chicks pounce on me all the time."
"Are you Captain Jack Sparrow?"
"No, but it's an understandable mistake. Name's Hook. I'm on my way home to kill Rumplestiltskin."
She patted his cheek indulgently. "I seriously doubt that, but you're dear for trying."
He studied her face. "Are you a fairy? I think I've seen you around, dotting i's in the Disney logo." He brightened. "Hey, can I, like, shake you upside down and get pixie dust to help me fly out of here?"
"That's just an urban legend, and it's led to more concussions than I like to think about."
"Then can you use that bippity-boppity-boo trick I've heard so much about to get me home?"
"Get bent."
"Would some booze change your mind?" He offered her his flask.
"Knowing you, it's probably poisoned, but I'm past caring." She took a sip. "Why do you want out of here? As far as godforsaken hellholes go, it's one of the nicest."
"I need to visit justice on the Dark One. He murdered Milah, and obnoxious as she was, I could always count on her to put out."
"Kill the Dark One?" Tinkerbell cracked up. "Dude, you were serious about that? I thought it was just a joke to lighten the mood! You know you're going to die, right?"
Hook shrugged. "Yeah, but it's not like I have a choice. Revenge is my signature character trait. If I give it up, I may as well just change my name to Stock Pirate."
Neal was still in possession of his…oy vey…magic coconut. "Ya'll remember 'Dark Hollow,' right? All we've got to do is light this candle, trap the Shadow inside. Then we pack him in a box and mail him to the Ghostbusters. They'll be able to handle things from there."
Hook raised his hand. "I'll serve as bait, on the condition that you all agree to extoll my heroics to Emma later."
"Deal."
The pirate threw himself in front of Pan's shadow. "Hey, moron! Your lyrics are melodramatic and dated! What d'you say to that?"
The Shadow flew at him in a rage. "I want to kill you like they do in the movies!"
Everyone waited for David to unleash the powers of the…oy vey…magic coconut on the Shadow, but he made no move to do so. "You know, I think my family and I have been hogging the spotlight lately. Let's let someone else save the day," he said graciously, holding the coconut out to Tinkerbell.
"That's really not necessary," she demurred.
"I think it's a great idea." Neal beamed. "Ooh! You know what would make it doubly awesome? If you saved the day and flew again at the same time!" He pressed her vial of pixie dust into her hand.
Tink couldn't argue with that, so she uncorked the vial and concentrated. "Let's see…happy thoughts…all the joy you'll find when you leave the world behind…Christmas…snow…sleigh bells…reindeer in the sky…ah, there we are." She began to hover.
"You can fly, you can fly, you can fly!" cried Neal happily, tossing her the coconut.
"Eat tropical-flavored doom, sucker!" the fairy roared, soaring over to the Shadow and unleashing the coconut on him.
"Ah! I fall into you and I'm on my back! An insect decaying in your little trap!"
Neal was waiting with a stamped crate addressed to the Ghostbusters regional office. Tink dropped shadow and coconut inside, and David wrapped some packing tape over it.
Hook gave Tinkerbell a smile. "We sure do make a great team. You sure you don't wanna hook up?"
"No dice, I'm afraid she's sworn to celibacy now," said the Mother Superior, emerging from her coffin.
"Ah!" screamed Tinkerbell, while Hook checked the Ghostbusters box to see if there was room for a second entity. "What the hell? I thought dead was dead?"
"Oh, don't dwell on that. It's just canon," the nun said dismissively.
"Does this mean that Graham's going to come back too?" David wondered. "Because I think Emma has enough love interests on her plate right now."
"Never mind the sudden upheaval in our universe's lore." Mother Superior draped an arm around her former protégée. "What really matters is that you get to come back and work for me now."
"Screw you."
"I deserve that. I was kind of a bitch," the nun admitted sheepishly. "How about a raise?"
"You're forgiven." Tink snatched the proffered check and gave her mentor a hug.
"Excellent. To business, then." The Mother Superior produced the Black Fairy's wand. "You'd better take this thing and save the town, because we all know I'm not going to bother with such trifles."
David burst triumphantly into the Little Pawnshop of Horrors. "Great news! One of our friends has come back from the dead!"
"Is it Graham?" asked Emma hopefully. "Oh, thank God—he'll save me from this damn love triangle!"
"No, I mean the Blue Fairy."
"Great, now I've got two enemies to kill," grumbled Gold, opening up his cookbook again. "Do I have to do everything around here?"
"Quit complaining. At least she gave us the wand." He handed it to Gold.
"Excellent. Now all I need to do is dig up that bracelet I swiped off Bae's fiancée's corpse after I murdered her."
"Excuse me, what?" said Neal uneasily.
"Bae, please, this isn't about you." Gold shoved him aside and went to his safe to retrieve the bracelet. "As all of you, especially Regina, may recall, this thing renders anyone with magic powerless."
"Little punk. How dare he try to seek justice for his dead father?" seethed Regina.
"Rest assured, that's definitely not what I'm planning to do with it." He slipped the cuff on Henry's wrist. "This ought to keep him from screwing his family over for a few seconds."
"Just please, promise me you won't waste them gloating like my mom always does," his grandson pleaded.
"I promise nothing." He laid the boy back on the cot. "Now then, I'm going to cast the spell, and when you wake up, you should be your slightly less creepy self again."
"Then you hang onto that scroll, come back to us, and try not to give any more of your vital organs to strangers on the way." Regina hit him with her Glare of Evil.
"Sorry, I don't mean to be so gullible," Henry apologized.
"It's not your fault, it's genetic," sighed Mary Margaret, ruffling his hair.
"Knock off the bonding, I'm trying to concentrate, here." Gold waved the wand over his prone grandson, who promptly came down with epilepsy.
"Is Henry going to die again?" said Emma, sounding bored.
"No, I think he's just trying to trash Pan's body a little before he leaves it." Gold smiled proudly. "That's my boy!"
Pan's body finally slumped into submission, and Regina breathed a sigh of relief. "Phew, he's okay. Good, because I'm really getting sick of rescuing the kid."
"Amen, homie," said Emma. "Now let's go find him and wrap up this damn story arc for the absolutely final time."
Everyone started to leave, but Belle and Neal, both feeling awkward because they didn't know anyone, hung back. "Hey, can we stay here with you?" Belle asked her boyfriend hopefully.
"No, I always turn into a sniveling moron when my dad's around, and I don't want you guys to lose what little respect you have for me."
"But he's the most powerful magic-user in the universe. Don't you think some backup is in order?" said Neal.
"No." The pawnbroker screamed. "Ah! It's already starting!" He shoved them toward the door. "Quick, get out before I start sobbing uncontrollably and hugging my dolly!"
A younger, yet somehow taller Henry was sitting at a lunch table, staring woefully at a family tree worksheet. The branches were all labeled You Don't Wanna Know. "But I do!" Henry wailed.
Mary Margaret happened by on her way to the bird feeders. "What's wrong, Henry? Have you been aging again?"
"Um, yes, that's what humans are supposed to do."
"Oh, Henry! You and your imagination!" She laughed. "So, how's your mom?"
"Vengeful and abusive."
"My condolences, kiddo. Would a present make you feel better?"
"Hell yeah!"
She dug into her purse and retrieved a leather-bound volume entitled The Big Book of Deja-Vu. "This thing magically appeared in my closet. I would have preferred a nice pair of shoes, but I suppose beggars can't be choosers." She dumped it in Henry's lap.
Her grandson thumbed through the pages distastefully. "Fairy tales? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm male."
"Hey, don't dis the fairy tales! They're uplifting. Except the ones that end with the hero getting held as a sex slave for the rest of his life, or losing his beloved mother to a deadly poison, or the heroine's girlfriend marrying someone else, or her baby being stolen from her for thirty years, or everyone getting torn from their loved ones and cursed-"
"That sounds like the lamest book ever, but I don't seem to have any friends, so I guess I've got nothing better to do than read it." Henry grudgingly opened the book. "Wait a minute, this is you in here!"
"No it's not."
He held the illustration up in front of her face. "Yes, it is!"
"I choose not to notice that!"
Henry banged his head against the tabletop. "I'm in for an uphill battle here, aren't I?"
The various branches of Henry's family tree followed Granny down the only street in town, the old woman's nose twitching. "I've got the scent, but shouldn't Ruby be the one doing this?" Nobody bothered to answer her. She sighed and pointed. "He's in there."
"The library? Why the hell do the villains always end up there?" Emma wondered.
Henry bolted out the front doors. "Mom and Mom, good news! I got my Little Orphan Henry smile back!" He demonstrated, and they both melted into his arms.
Neal hung back awkwardly. "Yo, you also have a father, if anyone cares."
Everyone ignored him, as usual. Henry handed his mom-slash-great-grandma the scroll. "Here you go, but no funny business this time!"
"Sure thing, pumpkin." She didn't have a chance to make good on the promise, though, crumpling into a heap on the pavement the moment the parchment touched her hand.
Meanwhile, back at the Little Pawnshop of Horrors, Gold stood over his father giggling evilly, which should have been an oxymoron. "Bwa hah hah! I've come to gloat!"
"I don't know, I don't think that's really your style." Pan sat up, glancing at the bracelet on his arm. "Aw, isn't that cute? You think you've defeated me."
"Before I kill you, can I ask you a quick question? Are you really as amoral as you seem to be? Because I find that hard to believe."
"Believe it, loser."
"Come on, Dad, why do you hate me so much?"
"You were born."
"Just like my wife." Gold sighed, picking up the chainsaw Emma had graciously lent him for the occasion. "Well, the two of you can compare notes on my shortcomings in Hell."
Pan magicked the bracelet off his arm and onto his son's. "Sorry, not gonna happen. You get an A for effort, though." He raised a hand and blasted Gold into the wall.
"Help! Child abuse!" the pawnbroker screamed.
"Damn right, both mental and physical this time!" Pan boasted. "To punish you for my heinous crime of unprotected sex, I'm going to destroy your son! And your grandson! And your girlfriend! And that awesome car of yours!"
Gold stared at his father in mute horror. "And…it's official, you're an even worse parent than Cora."
"Thank you, I try." Pan pranced out the door, giggling evilly, which should have been an oxymoron.
"Gods, I hate that little punk!" Gold grumbled. As he climbed to his feet, his eyes fell on Emma's chainsaw. Glancing down at the cuff on his wrist, an idea came to him. "Do I really have it in me to mutilate myself for the sake of my son?" Then he noticed his cane. "Oh right, duh."
Back in the unimaginatively-named Dark Castle, Rumplestiltskin lit a candle in memory of his son. "Let's see, if you're still alive, you'll be…a hundred and seventy-four years old today." The Dark One reached for his to-do list. "Note to self, check the nursing homes and the Guinness Book of Records."
Belle walked in with a basket of flowers. "Hey baby, still playing hard-to-get?" She giggled. "You're too precious. So, what's with the candles? Are you holding a séance for your obviously-deceased son?"
"Please, dearie, I'm not in the mood to flirt right now."
"Okay. Want to tell me about how you lost your son instead?"
"All right, but you have to pretend not to know later, or our entire storyline will fall apart."
"Deal."
"Well, my son offered me a chance at happiness with him, but I was an idiot and chose power instead."
Belle smiled. "I want to meet your son. Something tells me I'll really be able to relate to him."
Meanwhile, out in the middle of the only street in town, Emma was shaking a comatose Regina. "We've got to wake her up! Quick, David! Kiss her!"
"Ew." Regina awakened. "That won't be necessary."
"Are you okay?"
"Sure. That's why I look like I want to simultaneously cry, faint, and vomit." The former queen rolled her eyes.
"What happened?" Henry wanted to know. "Did you get stuck in that flaming room like the rest of us always do when we go unconscious?"
"Even worse, I'm afraid."
Henry looked scared. "I could really use a dose of comfort mode."
She hugged him. "You're probably not going to die or be banished to another dimension. Does that help?"
"I beg to differ!" yelled Pan, popping out of nowhere, as usual. "Guess what time it is?"
"Time for mental abuse," said the entire crowd unhappily.
"Bingo." Pan paralyzed them in their tracks and commandeered the curse. "I do so love a good game of freeze tag."
At that moment, at the Little Pawnshop of Horrors, Gold was pressing Emma's chainsaw to his wrist. "Can I get some novocaine over here?"
Pan pranced over to Neal and Belle. "Ah, memories. This is just like that time I got bored and strangled my son's pet guinea pig while he watched." He raised a hand to kill Belle, but a gang of Rumbelle shippers strapped with dynamite jumped in front of her. He rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll start with the kid." He advanced on Neal. A gang of Captain Swan shippers came over to offer him a selection of firearms.
Gold appeared and started pelting them with rocks, scattering them. "Knock that off, you!" He turned to his father. "And as for you, how could you even entertain the thought of killing your own grandson?" He glanced back at the camera. "Shut up."
Pan eyed the cuff of his son's sleeve, confused. "So…do you still have your hand, or…?"
"None of your business! Now get away from my loved ones! People willing to put up with me are rare and precious commodities, and I'll be damned if I'm going to lose two in one day!" Gold paused. "But before we start killing each other, can I call a time out?" He held up a set of note cards. "I've prepared a short speech for the occasion."
Pan sighed. "Fine, I guess I could use a bathroom break. Just make it quick, laddie." He headed for a nearby gas station.
Gold glanced down at his cards. "Bae, I used the curse to find you so that I could tell you I'm an idiot, even though I'm pretty sure you already knew. It was a nice gesture though, right? Have a nice life, kid." He turned to Belle. "And Belle, thanks for reintroducing me to my cute side. Love ya, baby."
Pan reappeared, in the last stages of doing up his pants. "Are you done yet?"
Gold took a quick look at his watch. "Yeah. Hey, do you remember how, back in Neverland, you used to cruelly taunt me by saying I was just like you?"
"Yeah."
"Well, you were right." He raised a hand. "Time for me to slaughter a family member with the help of my magical shadow!" Said shadow zoomed out of the otherworldly waiting room it had been languishing in for the past couple of weeks, dropped Gold's dagger into his hand, and jumped back into his body. The pawnbroker giggled evilly, which should have been an oxymoron, and scooped his father into his arms. "And as a final humiliation, you have to hug me first!"
"Ew! Stop! Cooties!" screamed Pan.
"You know that never-explained, never-elaborated bunk about me having to die for you to die? Well, I've decided to just go along with it." Gold impaled them both on the dagger's blade, then smiled and waved at Regina. "Wow, you were right. Revenge is the greatest!"
Pan transformed back into some old dude with a midlife crisis. "I don't suppose you're dumb enough to fall for my lame attempts at manipulation, are you?"
"Ugh, no!"
"That's my boy," groaned Pan as they both faded to nothing.
"Rumple! No!" screamed Belle, falling on her knees and sobbing.
Everyone ignored her. "Regina, are you okay?"
"Oh gods, just let me die!" Belle wailed, sprawling herself miserably on the pavement. A couple of people stepped on her on their way over to comfort Regina. "My only love is gone forever!"
"Oh, will you shut up?" snapped Emma. "We all know it won't last!"
Hook went off to find a quiet corner to perform a victory dance in. Neal stood in stunned silence. "Orphaned at the tender age of two hundred and thirty. How tragic."
Emma knew she should probably hug him or something, but it wasn't her style, so she just stood there awkwardly. "Sorry about your old man, baby."
"Eh, no biggie, I never liked him anyway. Regina, with Dad gone, you're next in line as town mastermind. What's our next move?"
Still covered in confetti and wearing a party hat, Hook emerged from the corner where he'd been celebrating and waved a hand in front of Regina's vacant eyes. "Well, looks like she's out of the running, too. Henry, it's all up to you."
The Smoke Monster crawled out of the wishing well. "Ugh, what's with this ugly new dye job I've been given?" He took off toward the center of town. "Someone's going to pay for this!"
Leroy ran up the only street in town, screaming. "The Smoke Monster's on his way, and he looks incredibly pissed!"
Neal took his son in his arms. "Comfort mode."
David shook Regina. "Please tell me you can stop this thing! If you can't, we'll be forced to go to the Blue Fairy for help."
"Don't worry," the former queen reassured him. "I'd make any sacrifice to spare innocent people from her idea of help."
"Sacrifice? What do you mean?" Emma asked, looking nervous. "Is it the human kind? Run, Mom!"
"No, I mean I have to give up Henry when the curse sends us back to our respective homelands. He was born here, and I'm afraid the curse employs a jus solis model of citizenship."
"So breaking the curse destroys the town? Then why didn't it the first time?" David demanded.
"The town will wend out of existence as if it was never here," Regina continued without acknowledging the question. "And everyone will go back to where they were fr—"
"No, seriously, why didn't it destroy the town the first time?" David persisted.
"We'll all go back to the Enchanted Forest, except for Henry—"
"Answer me!" roared David.
"No."
"So Henry will be left alone?" said Emma worriedly. "I don't know, I don't think the world is ready for a Henry with no adult supervision."
"Agreed," said Regina. "That's why I'm giving you custody of him."
Emma was skeptical, as usual. "Yeah right. What is this, a prank? Did you plant a bomb in him, or file a kidnapping report and give the cops my description, or some dastardly crap like that?"
A mass of green smoke billowed into view. "I LOOK LIKE THAT BIMBO ZELENA! WHOEVER DID THIS IS GOING TO PAY!"
Mary Margaret gulped. "On second thought, maybe you should just take your chances with Regina's plan."
"But I want my mommy!"
"You're pushing thirty. Get over it."
"But—"
"Comfort mode!" said David.
A vacant grin crept across Emma's face. "On second thought, we'll always be a family, no matter where we are."
"Ditto for us." Regina smiled sadly at her son, then turned to Emma. "Emma, I know you well enough to know that if anyone tries to hurt our son, you'll tear them to pieces with a chainsaw, and that makes me feel a lot better about this."
In a hospital room at a nonexistent women's correctional facility in Phoenix, a flushed and sweating Emma Swan looked up at the clock. "It's 8:15 again? Aren't there any other times of day?" she panted.
"Keep pushing, Emma!" her doctor ordered. She pulled a chainsaw out from under the bed and revved it menacingly. "Or don't." He turned to his nurse. "How the hell did she get that in here?"
Emma screamed. "Man, I wish Neal knew about condoms!" The lights went out for a second. "Uh, is anybody going to acknowledge that? It was kind of random, wasn't it?"
Henry emerged into the world with a charming smile and an evil giggle. The doctor held him out to his mother. "Congratulations, Emma. It's a healthy six-pound catalyst."
"Whatever it is, it's creepy as hell." Emma turned her head away. "Get it away from me."
The nurse whispered something into the doctor's ear. "You're giving him up for adoption?!" he shrieked incredulously. "Are you crazy? You know that always goes horribly, horribly wrong in this universe, right?"
"He's just going to have to deal," said Emma stubbornly. "I can't be a mother. I'm a lot younger than I look."
The good people of Storybrooke decided to ignore the impending apocalypse in favor of throwing a goodbye party for Emma and Henry at the town line. Emma gave Mother Superior a weird look. "Shouldn't you be leading or consoling your flock in this time or crisis?"
"Screw 'em, they're just extras."
"Uh, okay." She noticed Belle. "Shouldn't you be mourning your minutes-dead lover?"
The beauty shrugged. "Eh, Daddy's right, I'll probably have a way easier life without him."
Emma noticed Granny standing with the dwarves. "Okay, seriously, where the hell is Ruby?"
David and Mary Margaret took their daughter in their arms. "We miss her too, precious."
Henry took his adoptive mother aside. "Oh, this is all my fault. I should have just ignored your constant abuse, kept my fear and anger bottled up inside, and gone on the occasional killing spree to blow off steam."
"No, sweetie, that's what I did with my mom, and it ended even worse than this, if you'll recall." The former queen sighed. "This is so depressing, but not surprising. Villainy sucks."
"You're not a villain."
"But what about all those people I murdered?"
"Eh, if they were dumb enough to go up against you, they deserved to die." He threw his arms around his mother's waist.
Emma pried her parents off her. "All right, all right, stop coddling me in front of my boyfriends." She turned to Neal, trying to look cool. "So, what are your feelings regarding long-distance relationships?"
"Regrettably, I don't think it would work in our case." He hugged her. "Take good care of Henry, and don't worry. I get yanked across dimensions all the time. The odds of me someday being dragged back into this one are pretty good."
Emma then tried to run to her car and lock the doors before Hook noticed her, but she just wasn't quick enough. "So, our relationship is now going to be impeded by our living in separate dimensions, in addition to you being in love with another man, terrified of commitment, and my history of trying to murder you?" The pirate grinned. "Excellent. I do so love a challenge. See you after hiatus, baby!"
Emma tried to remain stoic, but couldn't quite manage it. "Damn, you're sexy."
Neal placed himself between Hook and the cameraman, Henry in tow. "Excuse me? I'm saying goodbye forever to the son I never knew I had! Doesn't anybody care? It seems like the type of thing people might want to watch." In response, the scene shifted to Emma and Regina. "I'm not long for this world, am I?" his voice lamented off-camera.
With him out of the picture, Regina turned to her baby mama. "Emma, I have more bad news."
"What, seriously? Haven't we both reached our lifetime quota?"
"I'm afraid not. When the curse destroys Storybrooke, it will be as if the place never existed, and your memories will be erased."
"Even the magical moment when I punched you in the face for the first time?" Emma's lower lip quivered. "Isn't there another way? That memory has sustained me through some pretty dark times."
"Sorry, there's no time for me to install a new memory card, and I don't have one that's compatible with your mainframe. I can reprogram the ones you have, though. I can make it so that you never gave Henry up for adoption."
Emma blinked. "So…what did I do instead, put a baby crib in my jail cell?"
"Hey, that's a great idea! I'll work it in." Regina took a notepad out of her pocket and jotted it down.
Emma sighed. "Well, it beats the hell out of amnesia. Goodness knows our family's seen enough of that to last a lifetime."
"That's the spirit." Regina hugged her son one last time, then thrust him at Emma. "Now beat it, before I remember who I am and put a boot on your car."
Mary Margaret kissed her daughter goodbye. "Bye, honey, and don't worry about Dad and me. We can always have a new kid."
"I love you too." Emma put her son in the car and drove off, blowing a kiss back at all of her adoring fans.
The still-green-tinted Smoke Monster descended on the town line. "Are any of you guys stylists? No? THEN PREPARE TO BE CURSED!"
Inside the Love Bug, Henry's face went blank, and he looked at his mother. "Hey Mom, there's no such thing as magic, right?"
"Correct," said Emma.
"Then what's causing that fifty-foot wall of roiling green lightning in the rearview mirror?"
"I choose not to notice that!"
"You're giving him up for adoption?!" Emma's obstetrician shrieked incredulously. "Are you crazy? You know that always goes horribly, horribly wrong in this universe, right?"
Emma jolted like she was snapping out of a trance. "Holy crap, you're right! I don't know what I was thinking." She snatched the baby and clutched him protectively to her chest. "I'll put a crib in my cell for the next few months and keep him hidden under the bed when the warden drops by. Anything's better than the fate that awaits him in an adoptive home." She kissed her baby on the forehead. "Comfort mode, my little angel."
One year later in New York City, Emma awoke to her clock radio blaring "Someday My Prince Will Come." She threw it at the wall. "Ugh, I hate that song so much."
Getting out of bed, she wandered through an apartment that had furniture in it. "Something seems very wrong about this, but I can't figure out what it is." She went to the kitchen, made two plates of scrambled eggs, and sat them at the table in front of her son. "This is a lot nicer than that prison chow we used to live on, isn't it, precious?"
"I'll drink to that, Mom." Henry raised his mug of cinnamon cocoa.
There was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" Emma yelled.
"Your destiny, baby!" an Irish-accented voice yelled back.
"What the hell?" Emma went to the door and flung it open.
On the other side, Hook was grinning from ear-to-ear. "I will always find you!"
She recoiled. "Dude, that's creepy."
"Trust me, it'd be positively adorable if you knew the whole story."
"Security!" yelled Emma.
"No, wait! Your family's in trouble! But don't worry, they usually are, and you always manage to get them out of it." He handed her a shiny new chainsaw he'd picked up on the way over. "Now then, if you'll just fetch your young sidekick, we can probably have this wrapped up in a few hours, at most."
"My family dumped me in the woods to die!"
"They did not! They stuffed you in a box!" Hook defended. "Look, I know you can't remember me, but it's not your fault. Forgetting one's love interest is a genetic condition that runs in your family. Don't worry, there's a cure." He swept her into a passionate kiss.
She attacked him with her new chainsaw. "Emma SMASH!"
"GAH!" He hit the floor, groaning. "Damn, I thought if my kiss didn't cure you, it would at least seduce you."
Emma slammed the door in his face. "Some cute stranger who loves me showing up at my door, out of the blue, to invite me on some improbable quest? This feels…familiar somehow."
