~#~ (Chapter 51)
Authors note: Tissues require for reading this chapter. It was the hardest chapter so far to write and many tears were shed during the process (literally). I hope I've done it justice.
~#~
The next thing John was aware of was rolling over in bed and startling badly when he realised he was no longer alone in the room. Jeff, whose hair was still damp from the shower, was up, dressed and sitting on the chair beside the bed watching him. "Dad?" he asked sleepily. "Is everything OK? What time is it?"
"Good morning to you too," Jeff replied with a chuckle. "Everything's fine and I'm sorry if I made you jump. I came to wake you but you looked so peaceful I just didn't have the heart."
A wrinkle crossed John's forehead. "How long have you been there?" he asked.
Jeff chuckled. "Only about twenty minutes. It was still early and I figured a little more sleep wouldn't do you any harm. If you hadn't woken by half past I was going to have to get you up anyway, don't forget we're meeting Penny for breakfast at eight."
John looked blearily over to the clock on the table beside the bed. "That gives me nearly forty minutes," he said. "Plenty of time. I don't suppose there's any coffee going?"
Jeff smiled and then leaned slightly to one side so that John could see the table. On it sat a tray with a sealed flask, two large mugs and a milk jug. "I took the liberty of ordering some. Do you want it now or after you shower?"
John laughed. "Do you really need to ask?" He then pushed the bedcovers aside and wandered over to the desk. "I take it you're having some too?"
Jeff just grinned and held out his hand for a mug.
~#~
Once the coffee was drunk and John was showered and dressed, he and Jeff made their way down to breakfast. Penelope, for once, had beaten them and was seated at a table talking quietly to Parker who was standing beside her. As the Tracys approached, she dismissed him and rose to greet the two men. The three then sat down for breakfast which Jeff ate heartily, Penelope ate daintily and John barely touched. He picked half-heartedly at a piece of toast and then gave up and resorted to more coffee.
~#~
After breakfast everyone went back to their rooms to prepare for the funeral. Jeff went to his wardrobe and removed the two suit carriers that he'd brought back from Tracy Island. He checked which was which and laid one on his bed before taking the other through the adjoining bathroom and handing it to John who took it with a sad smile.
"I hate this suit," the younger man said quietly as he opened the wardrobe door just enough to hang the carrier on. "I mean I don't have anything against the suit per se, just what it stands for and…um…what it means when I have to use it."
Jeff rested a hand gently against the side of John's face and pulled him round so he was facing him. "I know," he agreed. "…and I understand about the suit. Your grandmother shed a few tears when she was ironing them and packing them up. It's entirely possible that she wanted to be here today but she must have realised that I would've vetoed the idea because she didn't say anything. Despite what she tries to convey, Mother isn't getting any younger and she certainly doesn't need the extra stress that the long flight, jet lag and the funeral would have created. No, she's better off where she is, even if she's a little disgruntled about it, at least she's safe."
John nodded and leaned his head into Jeff's hand with a sigh. "So, I know we haven't discussed what's going to happen today but do you have anything in particular that you want me to say or do?"
Jeff shook his head. "Whatever you feel comfortable with," he replied. "All the arrangements are made so you don't need to worry about anything on that side of things but if you want to say something during the service then that would be fine. The cars will be here at 10.30 and the service is being held the crematorium at 11.15. I haven't ordered a hearse. Bearing in mind how Rosie died I though it would be…inappropriate."
~#~
The funeral itself was a small, quiet affair. Parker, being unable to chauffer the hired cars, had been bullied into a rented suit and sat uncomfortably beside Penelope until the cars pulled into the immaculately tended grounds of the Cornelian Bay Cemetery. As soon as the cars pulled to a halt he jumped out and hung back to allow Penelope, John, Jeff and Joel to pass him.
A small group of people were waiting outside the crematorium as they walked from the cars and Jeff gently encouraged John to speak to each of them, while maintaining a solid supporting presence behind his son. John and by default, Jeff, were introduced to Frank Richards, Spencer Allan's partner, who they had heard much about but had never met. Carly Davidson was there, representing the hospital and Malcolm Hines was also present, along with his wife and his daughter, a young woman who John recognised as being the receptionist at the Hines & Huberts' office.
As he passed the Hines family, John realised there were only two more people left to speak to. He realised that one of these two was Jayne, the nurse who had looked after him during his first few days in Hobart. She gave both John and Jeff a gentle hug as they walked up and then introduced her friend. The other girl, who John noticed was almost the complete opposite of Jayne, turned out to be her flatmate who had come along as moral support. Where Jayne was tiny, raven-haired and confident, Susan was chubby, blonde and shy. She blushed to the roots of her hair when introduced to John and then clammed up completely when Jayne tried to introduce her to Jeff. It was something Jeff was quite used to but never failed to raise a smile on John's face when he saw it happen.
The smile faded almost instantly as a young man stepped through the door of the main crematorium building and made his way slowly towards Joel. John watched the two men converse quietly for a few moments before the young man nodded and positioned himself smartly in front of the door. Joel made his way over to where John was standing and, despite it being there since they got out of the car, John became aware of Jeff's hand resting gently against the small of his back.
"They're ready for you," Joel announced quietly and nodded towards the door. "We've arranged for you to have some time for yourself before the service. Take as long as you need and someone will come and get the rest of us whenever you're ready."
John sucked in a deep breath and was appreciative of the supportive pressure which came from Jeff's hand. He hesitated and then startled slightly as a soft hand insinuated itself within his own. He gave the hand a gentle squeeze and looked down into Penelope's clear blue eyes. She gave his hand an answering squeeze, followed by a gentle tug and that was enough to get John moving.
Slowly, with one hand clasped in Penelope's and with the unwavering support of his father's hand against his back, John entered the building.
~#~
The interior of the crematorium was as neat and orderly as the grounds outside. The building itself had been designed in such a way as to allow as much natural light inside as possible and the roof of the blue/grey entrance hall contained large glass panels through which the Hobart sunshine now shone.
John, Jeff and Penelope were escorted through to the small chapel area where Rosie's burnished mahogany coffin sat on a raised plinth. John froze the moment he caught sight of the casket and Jeff was forced to pull a flustered Penelope aside and press her down into the front pew before he was able to turn his attentions back to his son.
Slowly he stepped up behind John and wrapped an arm around his waist. "You knew she'd be here," he whispered quietly against John's ear. "She had to be, it's why we're all here. I know there are no words to prepare you for it but this is your chance to say goodbye, John. Go and talk to her. Make your peace with Rosie and say goodbye."
Jeff could feel John trembling as he stood and stared at the polished wooden box in front of him. He unwound his arm from around John's waist and gently nudged him forwards. "I'll be right here if you need me." He stepped backwards and sat down beside Penelope who shot him a worried look before settling back in her seat. John took a single, cautious step forwards and then turned back to look at Jeff who nodded his encouragement.
John took several more hesitant steps until he found himself level with the coffin and once there he took a deep breath and placed the palm of his left hand flat against the wooden lid. "Hi Rosie," he murmured. "I don't know quite what I'm supposed say right now but I miss you, Baby. I can't begin to understand what went wrong between us nor why you felt you couldn't tell me about Jacob but I need you to know that I'm going to look after him for you and that I'll love him and care for him 'til the end of my days. I'll bring him up the best that I possibly can and I'll tell him all about his Mama. I'll make sure he knows how beautiful you were and tell him how your eyes sparkled and glimmered whenever you laughed. I'll tell him about your hair glowing gold in the sun and blue in the moonlight and I'll tell him how very full of life you always were. I'll even tell him about how you saved that little scrap of a kitten that you saw being thrown in the stream and how you sat up with him every night for a week because you were afraid that he'd stop breathing if you left him alone."
Squeaks of emotion began to break into John's hushed speech and his breathing became erratic as more and more memories of his time with Rosie raced through his mind. "Why?" he said. "Why, when you were such a kind-hearted and compassionate person would you do this to me? To Jacob? We could have been a family but you never gave us that chance and I hate you for that. I love you…I'll always love you but I hate you. I hate you for putting me through this and I hate that Jacob will never truly know his mother and most of all I hate that I'll never see you again."
John's voice broke completely at this point and he turned away from the coffin, instinctively knowing that Jeff had risen from his seat and was standing quietly behind him. John launched himself into his father's waiting arms and allowed the older man to lower him onto the front pew beside Penelope. Penny promptly wrapped her arms around the lower portion of his torso and held him close as Jeff supported his upper body and one shoulder against his chest and sat with John's face buried in the crook of his neck.
Unfortunately for John this meant that his body ended up being twisted uncomfortably and meant that ultimately he was unable to remain in the position for long. After just a few short minutes he was forced to untangle himself from the others and sit up on his own and when he did so it was with a distraught sigh. He sat, hunched over on the front of the pew with his elbows on his knees and his hands fisted tightly in his hair. Tears flowed down his face and fell unheeded onto the floor for several seconds until Jeff pulled a large handkerchief from his jacket pocket and held it out into John's tear-filled field of vision.
John let out a noise that sounded partway between a chuckle and a sob and let go of his hair so he could swipe the handkerchief from Jeff's grasp. He shook it out and buried his face in the soft material for a moment before wiping his eyes and blowing his nose. After a cautious look at Jeff he screwed the whole thing into a ball and crammed it into his jacket pocket before leaning sideways and resting his head on Jeff's left shoulder.
"Sorry," he said quietly. "I kind of hoped I was done with all that. I don't know how much of all that you could hear but I don't think I really did what you wanted me to do up there."
Jeff reached up with his right hand and stroked John's hair into some semblance of order. "I didn't hear all of it but from the bits I could make out you did exactly what I'd hoped you would do. In fact it's the exact reason I arranged for you to have some time in here before the service. There's only a certain amount of anger and frustration that you can let out when the object of that rage is so far out of reach. That's something that Mother told me after…well, you know when. I can't say that I believed her at the time but afterwards, when I stopped to think about, it I realised she was right."
John snorted and then hastily fished the handkerchief back out of his pocket as the sudden exhalation of air upset the delicate balance in his nose. "Grandma usually is," he replied eventually. "You of all people should've known that."
Jeff nodded and leant his cheek against John's head. "I knew it then and I know it now. It's just that nothing, and I mean nothing, was making sense in those few weeks...or was it months? I lost chunks of time without even realising it and I really don't know what I would have done if your Grandmother hadn't stepped in to help with the five of you. Scott took far too much on, even with her help and, to this day, I still worry about how that affected his ability to make friends and relationships while he was in his high school."
John nodded against Jeff's shoulder. "You don't need to worry about Scott. He did alright for himself and had plenty of friends of both genders. He was butch and sporty enough to be one of the guys and the fact that he so obviously doted on his little brothers was a huge hit with the girls. Scott only needed to turn up somewhere with Alan in tow and he'd have the girls flocking round him but I seem to remember that the same didn't apply where Gordon was concerned. Apparently he was neither as endearing nor agreeable as Alan and didn't excerpt the same pull on the girls. It's quite ironic if you thing about which of us is most often found fighting off the women nowadays."
Jeff snorted. "That's true," he replied. "Although if I'm to believe everything Scott tells me then there's not all that much 'fighting off' being done."
"Hmm," John murmured and then shrugged. "I couldn't say for certain, I'm not really around enough to keep track of that sort of thing but if that's what Scott says then it's probably true." John fell quiet for a moment and then realised that what he'd been trying to say about Scott might not have got through clearly enough. "What I was saying though, before I mean, was that you did good with Scott, the same way that you did good with the rest of us. Sure, there was a while when we didn't entirely understand what was going on and sometimes we didn't know who, if anyone, was going to be there when we got home from school but between us, and by that I mean all seven of us, we…well we coped. We survived the blip and came out the other side of it as a fiercely strong family unit, one that was forged so strongly that it's still rock solid all these years later."
Jeff gave John's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I'm glad you feel that way, John, but don't forget that solid rock had just been built upon. There are eight of us now, thanks to the little lady over there." Jeff lifted his hand from John's shoulder and motioned towards the coffin. "True there could have been nine but for reasons that we don't currently understand that couldn't happen but still, there are eight of us where before there were only seven and that can't be a bad thing."
John smiled a slow, sad smile and then looked around him as he realised that he and Jeff were alone. "Where'd Penny go?" he asked with confusion in his voice. "…and when did she go?"
"She left while you were watering the floor," Jeff replied and nudged John gently on the shoulder when he looked stricken. "Don't worry about it," he said quietly. "You know she won't say anything and Penny's about the least judgemental person I know so you know that she will neither criticise nor condemn you for showing your emotions. No doubt she's out there at the moment warning our guests that they will be waiting a little longer than had previously been anticipated but they're all reasonable people and they will understand."
John nodded his head and then pulled himself upright in his chair. He pulled a clean handkerchief from one of his pockets and wiped his eyes again before standing up and, to Jeff's surprise, walking back over to the coffin. "Hi," he said quietly. "It's me again. I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said before. I don't hate you, I'm just a bit upset right now. I couldn't stand that being the last thing I said to you so I'm going to try again. I've loved you, Rosie, for a very long time…possibly even since college. I don't know if I didn't tell you that enough or if you didn't believe me but it's true. I'll always love you, Baby and I'll always remember you with the fondest of memories. I promise that I'll bring Jacob up as best I can and that I'll love him enough for both of us. Thank you for giving me my son, I only wish that were here and able to share him with me. I'll see you again someday, when my time here is done and maybe next time we can be a proper family. Until then I ask that you and Mama watch over our family and that you keep them from harm. Please, just never forget that I love you. Goodbye."
John kissed his finger tips and pressed them against the brass name plate on the lid of the casket. He then turned and walked quickly from the room.
~#~
Jeff remained seated for several seconds before getting up and wandering outside. John was nowhere to be seen but a nearby staff member confirmed that he hadn't left the building.
Jeff made his way over to where Penelope was quietly talking to Joel. "Using the assumption that John's in the bathroom, I think we're about ready to go inside. Give me a couple of minutes to find him and then bring everyone in."
Penelope spotted movement in the open doorway and looked over to see John squinting out into the sunlight. "Jeff, dear, finding him won't be necessary. He's come to get us himself, although from the look of him he could do with a couple of aspirin or…something."
Jeff turned round to see John still waiting in the doorway. "He'll be fine, just as long as no-one expects anything of any description out of him this afternoon. I think he was expecting to spend the rest of the day with Jacob but after witnessing the emotional catharsis he's just had in there, I'd be very surprised if he's still awake by the time we get back to the hotel." Jeff turned to Joel who had moved to stand beside him. "Go and round up the others, Jo. Let's get this done."
