Ataraxia Praeteritum, Perdidit Futurum

Chapter 50: New Wounds

I really wished Cyborg had more pain meds.

It was actually quite an awkward situation coming back from the city. As we sat on Raven's energy field flying through the sky I wondered just how many people realized how close we were to armageddon.

It wasn't nuclear war, famine, or disease that would have wiped out the human race, no, it would have been an interdimensional demon.

These thoughts kept swirling in my head as I tried to focus on anything other than the pain that crawled all over my body. Luckily my wounds were beginning to close up, but that didn't mean I couldn't feel the holes on my chest or the broken bone in my arm.

As we crossed the bay the wind felt good, even with all the dirt, blood, and filth on me. I looked over to the others, or the at least the best I could with an eye swelling shut. Starfire wasn't flying, she was probably too tired, she sat next to Robin, with her head leaning on his shoulder. I thought I saw his eyes closed, it was almost unnerving to be able to see his one eye.

Cyborg stood guard, his arms crossed. Other than Raven, he had the least injuries. He was currency messing with a screen on his wrist, he must have been remotely getting things ready in the infirmary.

Robin had just made me explain my entire experience in the underworld. I was tired and skipped over some of the finer details, but I included splitting with Slade, the riddle, finding raven, and having rocks crush my wing, it was such a pleasant story. Honestly we were all tired and I wasn't sure most of them were listening, except for Raven, she was most certaintly paying attention.

Touching down on the island was a relief, I gently swung my feet over the edge of our ride and gingerly set my feet down, and nearly fell over trying to get myself up, but luckily someone was there to catch me.

"Watch yourself," Raven said, her voice was surprisingly full of life, a far cry from her earlier monotone.

She took my good arm over her shoulders, supporting my weight we began to take small steps towards the tower. She was so close, so incredibly close, but I didn't have the energy to object.

"You guys go ahead and get a bed ready," Raven said, turning her head to the others "we'll take our time."

"Can't you just, ya know, hover him in?" Cyborg asked with a smile. To my surprise, Raven smiled back.

"I'm not gonna be floated in like some ice cube!" I snapped before Cyborg put up his hands, I had to say that comparison was horrible, but I didn't really care.

"Alright, calm down man, I'll get it ready," He said as he took off.

As we reached the door Robin nodded to us as he and Starfire took off as well, probably to go help Cyborg.

Little by little, we crept through the base, neither one of us wanting to stop, or at least not until I needed to.

Letting me lean against the wall Raven pulled back, I looked at her only to see spots of red covering her white leotard.

"Sorry about that," I said, almost falling asleep against the wall.

"Hmm, I can wash it," Raven said shrugging.

Raven never shrugged.

"Are you keeping the white?" I asked, "If I recall correctly, Cyborg and I saw that before."

"Maybe… I'm gonna enjoy this first though."

I tilted my head "Enjoy what?" Before she could respond I motioned for her to keep moving.

Once she was supporting me with my arm was again over her shoulders she spoke again.

"This… I can… feel things." She said hopefulness was in her voice.

Oh god.

"But won't your powers go all crazy?" I asked she didn't act like this last time.

"I don't know, but I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts."

"Hmm."

We kept walking, we were nearly a to the elevator when she spoke again.

"How do you do it Beast Boy?" She asked suddenly.

"What?" I asked having been a bit preoccupied with the pain in my chest.

"How do you keep going, even when there seems like no point?" She asked.

I opened my mouth to respond, but the elevator that we were so close to opened and out cam Cyborg with a medical bed.

"Alright, clear the area, we have an appointment for a one Beast Boy!"

I couldn't say one more word as I collapsed into the bed. I felt myself blink and apparently, I had gone to sleep because we were just rolling into the infirmary.

I could feel Cyborg begin to try and cut away my uniform, which was easier said than done because of the kevlar.

I hadn't been concerned and was almost about to go back to sleep, even with the uniform peeling off dried blood and causing discomfort, I had endured worse. However. when he tried pulling my glove off with the ring underneath did I recoil back.

"I need to take that off Green Bean," Cyborg said I could hear the exhaustion and irritation in his voice.

Looking down over myself I could see that everything above my waist was off, even on my broken arm.

"Just leave it please," I said, and it didn't seem like Cyborg had the will to fight me on it.

After setting my cast and either patching or stitching any gashes he stepped back to admire his work.

"What am I a damn art piece?" I growled it was rude, but both of us just wanted rest.

Rubbing his face Cyborg yawned. "Look, the cast is set and Raven will hopefully be in here as soon as possible, she's checking the rest of the team. I'm gonna get some shut eye and I don't want to see you up and about, you've been in here too much lately."

I nodded, did a mock solute with my good arm, and let him leave.

With my healing increasing throughout adolescence it was easier when I was older, broken bones were a few days to heal, and any cut on the skin closed in a matter of minutes. I would never get back to the days of taking a breather when eating live rounds of ammunition, not if I could help it, but I would heal faster as this body aged.

Dozing off there was nothing but darkness in my dreams or at least nothing but darkness and a great big smile.

"Look at you, so weak."

"I could go kill the others, it would be so easy."

"I'm the one who kept us alive all those years, you're the one who needs me!"

"We are alike you and I, after all, I didn't ask to exist."

"I'll be there to keep you standing and like always all you have to do is ask."

My eyes shot open, and I shot out of bed, while in the process breaking the IV and monitoring lines connected to my body.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down."

It was dark out, probably just the first half of the night ran splashed against the window and lightning cracked outside.

Looking around there was only one figure, and she was a white-robed demoness who now had her hands up in the air.

Finally lowering my stance, I hadn't noticed just how fast I had been breathing, now my heart felt like a locomotive pounding in my chest. I also noticed I didn't have an eye swollen shut anymore, it was either my own body or her magic's doing.

Shaking my head, I ripped any of the remaining wires off myself and turned off the machines all while Raven watched me.

"Where are your going?" She asked, while I gathered my things and headed for the door.

Looking back, I noted that she still hadn't changed her leotard, my stain was still there on her side.

"Kitchen, I need something to eat."

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I wouldn't have known that she was following me if I hadn't memoried what the airflow sounded like when she floated.

Having sensitive hearing made it nice when you didn't want someone sneaking up on you, but in a crowded area, well good luck not getting a headache.

The air as Raven hovered was different somehow, Starfire always had turbulence when she flew, wither it was just the speed or gracefulness of her flying I may never know. All I knew what Raven was practically shadowing me throughout the halls.

For some reason the tower wasn't really cold, a fact that kept me from going to my room and grabbing more clothes, instead I found myself looking into the fridge for something to drink or something to eat.

I heard her sit down on one of the chairs behind me, it was obvious that she wasn't going to leave me in peace so easily.

"Raven, I'm fine, you can go rest up," I said dismissively.

"You shouldn't be out of the infirmary, and I was healing your arm just a few minutes ag."

I rolled my eyes and looked at the bandages on my chest. Ripping them off I nodded, the wounds were just about closed up and bits of scar tissue were already forming.

"Did you help with that?" I asked, wanting to know if it was just my cells or her magic that had done that.

She shook her head "I had just started on your arm when you woke up."

I nodded, grabbing a bit of tofu and a glass of juice I set it down on the island's countertop across from Raven.

Extending my arm, she nodded realizing that I wanted to eat while she worked her literal magic.

A few moments of silence followed, only the sound of me chewing my food was heard, but then it was broken.

"What was the answer to the riddle?"

Pausing I gave her a confused look.

"The riddle that you told us about, what was the answer?"

Frowning I swallowed the last of my tofu and leaned back in the chair.

"What do you think?" I asked.

She frowned "I really can't say, nothing lines up."

"Exactly."

She tilted her head, obviously wanting me to continue.

Sighing I got up from my chair and started to pace towards the common area.

"Nearly all of it was garbage, whatever it was it wanted to send a clear message, it wanted me to…" I stopped as I reached the window "It wanted me to realize there was no clear direction, there was only one clue to stand out."

"But you supposedly knew who killed your wife?"

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"I knew who killed my wife because it was me."

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"The only person to know."

She didn't say anything, she just got up from her chair and walked over the common area.

Looking out over the city it was nothing but an assortment of blobs of color. Behind me I could see her reflection just beyond my shoulder.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

In that moment I felt something painful in my chest and it wasn't the healing wounds. An old memory surfaced, one I had tried very hard to push down into the recesses of my mind.

Standing in the middle of a small garden.

"Are you alright?"

Blinking away the memory I felt myself compelled, even against my better instincts to give the truth.

"No."

"How do you do it?" She asked as I turned around to face her "How do you keep going, in the face of all… that."

Lighting flashed across the sky lighting up the room, lighting up her face.

"What do you want me to say, Raven? What do you want me to tell you, that I keep going because it's heroic?"

She just looked at me, not trying to stop me.

"Do you want me to tell you it's hope, or that its responsibility? No… Raven… it's… not something you can really explain. It's the only thing you can do, make the people responsible…." I trailed off not knowing what more to say.

"Then why don't you blame me?"

"It would have happened one way or another."

"No… if I hadn't gone to him if I hadn't given myself over to Slade…"

Resting my hands on her shoulders I looked at her. "Listen to me Raven, it's not your fault, it's not your fault that you had to be given that burden, and it's not your fault that you willingly went, if you didn't, we would be dead and we wouldn't have been able to save the world."

She just looked at me, then pulled away. Putting her hands on her elbows it almost seemed as if she was cold.

"I haven't been the same since I... we defeated him. I can feel all these emotions, and I'm not quite sure what they mean."

"But I think I know what one is…" She said as she stepped closer.

She reached out to my chest, a dull glow emanating from her hand, the only light being produced in the room. I looked down to see the wounds slowly stitching themselves together.

I hadn't noticed this and I was sure this wasn't the case last time, but I was near her height now, enabling me to see directly into her face, which was growing ever closer.

I lost it in the darkness, only to have it reappear closer with a flash of lighting.

There was darkness again, I couldn't move back even if I wanted to now, my back was against the freezing glass.

Another flash, but it wasn't the same. The light was darkened in areas where water was flowing down the glass. Streams of darkness crisscrossed her face and suddenly I wasn't looking at Raven, instead, I was looking at the bloodied face of someone I used to know.

When she came closer I shot to the side with my back turned to her, my heart was a jackhammer, my body was a shivering mess and I was doing my best to keep myself from falling to the floor.

"Beast Boy?"

"DON'T!" I shouted, "Please don't Raven."

"You don't want that."

"But I…"

"You don't know what you feel Raven." I snapped, "You have as much real experience with your emotions as a child, so don't do this… you don't know what this really is…" Could I blame her, after all, I was the one who spared her from Malchior, but was that really a good thing?

"And you do?" I could picture the slightly angry face she was making behind me, but I didn't dare to look back. I saw the door in front of me and I was fully capable of bolting at any moment.

But I still felt like I wanted, needed to stay.

"I know what I felt when I met you Beast Boy… or do you prefer Log.."

"Beast Boy," I growled out.

"You called me Rae down there though."

"I didn't mean to." It had really been a slip of the tongue.

Silence followed, then a few footsteps coming up behind me. My breathing stopped, my heart pounded in my ears.

"Make me laugh." She begged.

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"Please."

I started to move towards the door, damn the consequences this wasn't right, this wouldn't help anyone.

"Make me laugh like when we met."

I stopped right before the door, I could feel cold tendrils of dark energy trying to stop me, but I never turned around.

I could hear her float up behind me, it would be so easy… but I wasn't here for easy.

"Is it because I'm not hum…"

"Dammit Raven," I breathed, exhausted I wouldn't give in, I wouldn't turn around "it has nothing to do with you."

"Then do it, make me laugh."

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"I can't."

Well… SURPRISE. That was the real season finale! I thought I had worked up to it, but I don't know, I think it's acceptable, BB has to take responsibility if he's going to make changes to the timeline. If you take an experience away from the team, how are they supposed to learn without it?

SHOUTOUTS

The Dimensional Reader- Cicinuts? Really man, and Doom… well, the real questions is Doom prepared for BB?

Pluto- Oh let me insert all kinds of Percy Jackson references here, but that's for another story… Well, I think season 5 is easier… well, more about that later.

mochafraptor- You better and thank you, sir.

Beakers47- Well he's your beautiful ending to a season!

A Random Guest- Well I didn't include the lines as a testament to how powerful the attacks were (Shockwaves temporarily making Robin deft) as well as just highlighting the fact that Robin was tired as hell and beat up pretty badly.

drannakka- Ha! BB wishes that were his timeline, that would be a walk in the part for him. Little less on the magic man, I think you're thinking a bit too far into this.

xzxzxzxzx- I don't expect you to bud, and thank you.

Well that's it for this week folks. Leave your hatred in the reviews so I can not screw up so much next time. Up next… SEASON 5 Baby!

Untill Next Time.