It's hustling and bustling at the Malé International Airport, the access point to the islands of Maldives. I've been in the airport lounge for a couple of hours, had a shower... my first hot shower in almost a month. But hey, bathing in the pristine waters of the Indian Ocean is one of the perks of being here!

As I wait for my flight to Istanbul to be called, I reflect back on the last few days... and years of my life!

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I've been island hopping in the Maldives, been here almost a month, with spectacular views, reef diving and camping on the beaches of the Indian Ocean. I came here to do photography and PR work for the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN). Owing to the rising water levels, the islands are sinking; so we're building environmental awareness & attending to the flocks of families leaving to seek refuge. I'm also working with the Turkish government with the transition and settlement of fisherman from the Maldives.

Man, has it been only 10 days since I last saw her? She was just here... flew in to spend a few days with me, feels like a lifetime ago! I had chartered a boat to a remote uninhabited island and we spent the most spectacular, sensual and spiritual time celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary. It's our style of reconnecting with each other, exploring the island, swimming and snorkeling, camping on the beach, campfire and barbecue, drinking mulled wine... and making love on the beach!

..

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The marketing agency is in the capable hands of the tenacious & wonderful women in my life. Sanem & Deren are Co-creative Directors, Leyla is the Financial Controller, Guliz is Operations Director... and we are the most successful we've ever been! In addition, Ceycey manages PR & Metin does legal work, with Emre and me being heads of the company in name only. I'm just Sanem's date and arm-candy!

For all the horror stories I've heard and seen about being married, I have no reference point to any of it! Sanem never tried to change me... but I've changed, I think, for the better! I'm more calmer now, less hotheaded, even more emotional and surrounded by family, friends and loved ones!

We've structured our life to suit both our personalities. I didn't want a desk job but she absolutely loves the agency... and she's awesome at it! Wow, she's a unifier... her brilliance, empathy, team work and sense of family is on display every single moment of every single day and I'm in awe of her!

I've managed to do socially responsible projects ... the only rule being we won't be apart more than a month & we should talk or FaceTime everyday. Almost a year ago, I told her about my passion for this kind of work and that I missed it. She was super supportive of me pursuing my dreams... so I've been out thrice this year on long sojourns of 1–2 months at a time... still a nomad, but she's the wind in my sails and the anchor that brings me home!

I have a home now, filled with love, laughter and complete unconditional acceptance... and she's the center of my world! She hasn't changed much either... once a diamond in the rough, now polished and she's shining like the sun. She's still a really terrible cook, no luck there... but I'd eat rocks and drink poison if she makes it! Once a klutz, always a klutz... but I've ensured that she has a trusted support system around her. One of the best decisions I ever made, other than marrying her, was to buy a cozy, beautiful and historic house in her, now our, neighborhood. It was a natural choice... her family is now my family and with Leyla, Osman, Ayhan and Ceycey near her, I'm almost comfortable leaving her on her own!
...

My thoughts are interrupted as my flight is being called. I'm going home a day earlier than planned... to surprise her and I'm always elated to see her reaction!

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I buy roses and her favorite pistachio filled baklava on the way home. It's early evening and the house is very quiet, from outside I turn off the security code and call her to ensure that she's home. We talk briefly and I tell her I'll be seeing her tomorrow. She sounds a little dull and when I ask her she chalks it up to a long day. I hang up, unlock the door and enter like a thief in the night... so excited! As I near our bedroom... I hear this painful, sad and deafening howl. I'm stunned as I open the door, she's curled on my side of the bed, covered in the blanket and sobbing uncontrollably!

I run to her and remove the blanket from her face... and so she doesn't get too scared, tell her "I'm here love...I'm here! I got home early... What's wrong?" She's clearly shocked to see me, yelps and takes a second to comprehend that it's me and hugs me tightly. I kiss her desperately... "What's wrong, love?" I ask again and she's a bit embarrassed, I think. She's curled into me and I can feel something is very wrong!

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I spend the next few hours coaxing, cajoling and carousing the matter from her. What I learn shakes me to the core... my wife, the love of my life, feels isolated, alone and lonely, she misses me terribly when I'm gone! To her it feels like we are ships passing in the night and she's been wondering if I married her in haste only to regret in leisure!

She's been taking care of me, our home & agency, colleagues & clients, friends & family... and naturally putting herself last! I shudder when I hear her talk about how she feels when I leave. To her, it feels like she's not "enough" to keep me anchored, and every time I return she's been dreading the next time I'd leave!

I am horrified! She lets me go because she loves me and I go because I love my freedom! She wants me to be happy and I make myself happy! God, I've been so selfish and thoroughly ashamed of myself. How could I do this to her? How could I have not known what it means to be married yet live alone? There were warning signs, like the fact that she stopped writing her novels and made no new perfume... but I've been blind. I had her... and I've taken her for granted... it appears I had wielded all of my power in the relationship to gain some phantom freedom!

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Seeing her that way is very sobering... and I start to reflect on my actions. What was I thinking? While I was out pursuing my passions and dreams, she's been carrying the burden of our relationship... and add to that the whispers of people around her about her flighty husband! Damn, I need to grow the fuck up, man up, be the husband that I am and live our life!

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My love for her has been in theory while hers for me is practiced in real life. I've tethered her to our life while I galavant around the world not living mine, with her! It dawned on me that the freedom that I sought in the past was to escape the fact that I had very few people to love me unconditionally. Even after receiving it, I had failed to recognize it!

Why months on end while I can do days? Why leave her behind when we could be doing it together? With her help and ideas we will accomplish extraordinary things! What an idiot I have been! I feel incredibly angry and guilty for not thinking about it earlier. God, I was turning into my mom... and that's the behavior I learnt when I was young! What a disaster... and I hope I'm not too late to make amends, be there for her and myself! That is IT...!

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While I'm having this aha moment yet filled with trepidation... I also have a realization about Sanem. Her strength is subtle and strong... not overpowering and controlling. So when I control the strands of the relationship, she puts my interests first and sacrifices herself to the cause! Wow... I'm one lucky son of a bitch to find a woman that meanders like water to suit me!

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That evening, night and over the next few days I coddle, cook and care for my wife... give her a million kisses, cuddles and make love to her like my life depended on it, it actually does! I reassure her that she's the best thing that had ever happened to a savage like me... and that she rocks my world!

As always, now, today, forever, I'm an evolved man, with her, for her, my true north!

Authors Note: Marriage is a journey, Romance is the ever-changing weather and Love is the vessel that sustains us through it all! The road will get bumpy, the route arduous, there will be breakdowns, external actors, internal struggles, time pressure... and what not!

Even a sophisticated savage like Can Divit will need a few years to really commit to being in the partnership...this is my take on his journey!

For all those who think Sanem is a pushover or doormat, think again! She loves him, wants him and him to be happy... no matter the cost. She literally dictates the terms of the relationship with her silent strength. She says jump, he says how high?! BUT... she needs to say the words "jump" for him to know... and one could say she loves him more than he loves her!

PS: I'm describing that a sustainable, enduring, tenacious, loving marriage takes effort, time, sacrifice & ego(less) partnership to survive the modern world! I met my DH at 18yo, we've been together 25 years, 22+ years married... so I've experienced both theoretical romance and pragmatic love! ❤️

This was a tough one to write for me... took a lot of soul searching & hence it is long! Hope your enjoyed it and pls provide comments and feedback!