Inside the Mind of the Older Brother, Part 2
Sept 16
Earlier I was dreaming that I walked in on Maria and Candice were having a naked pillow fight. It was an awesome dream that would have led to dream sex if I had not gotten woken up by Mr. Kettles, who had decided that I had wanted my face bitten. "You fucking little shit," I grumbled under my breath as I not so nicely shoved him away from me. "I don't know why Maria puts up with you."
Mr. Kettles just barked at me with his yappy little voice and then jumped off the bed. Fucking thing probably realized that it spoiled my wet dream and was--no, IS--still happy about it. In fact, he's looking at me while I write this and he's grinning at me with his evil little smile. He's probably plotting my death right now. Fucking little thing. I think Maria got him from Hell. That's my official opinion and I'm sticking to it.
Ugh, now Jeff is pounding on the window, demanding to be let in. I wish he would just go away. I don't want to deal with him right now. Maria, Candice and I were going to go to the Blockbuster up in Whispering Pines to go get some movies and we don't want to take him along. He never picks out movies we want to watch. He always picks out stuff he knows that we don't want to watch and whines when we tell him no just to be a little shit head.
Fuck! Now he's trying to break the window with a freaking rock. Maria and Candice are going nuts and now I actually have to see what he wants. This is not going to be fun.
Sept 18
I was right. What Jeff wanted did not lead to any kind of fun for me. In fact, I am now considering giving him away to anyone who will take him just so I do not have to go through anything like what I did ever again.
When I let Jeff into the house two days ago, he was in a complete and total panic. "Itchweeed's been kidnapped!" he exclaimed hysterically. "Matty I don't know what to do! The Mole People have taken Itchweeed away!"
I stared at him for several minutes, not believing what I had heard. Honestly, I thought he was joking until I realized he had that same look on his face that he did when he had been a kid and he thought monsters really were under his breath. "Um Jeff? How could Itchweeed get kidnapped?"
"The Mole People got into his house and dragged him away!" Jeff said knowingly. "They gave me a ransom note saying if that I didn't come and save him, they would kill him in their lair of doom."
I am not kidding when I say that it took everything in my power not to laugh right then and there. "Jeff, if Itchweeed is down in the Mole People's lair, then how are you here right now, telling me all about this?"
Jeff gave me an annoyed look. "Where I am has nothing to do with where Itchweeed is Matthew!"
I was really confused at that moment. Itchweeed was Jeff's alter ego. Itchweeed could not be kidnapped without Jeff being taken too. The fact that Jeff has not yet accepted this fact makes me worry about his mental state. "Jeff come on," I told him. "Be reasonable about this."
Jeff glared at me before starting to cry. "How can you do this to me Matthew?" he sobbed. "Itchweeed is my friend and the Mole People are probably torturing him right now! You're my brother Matty! You're supposed to help me get him back!"
Of course, Maria and Candice walked in at that moment and saw Jeff crying. And even though they knew the whole thing was ridiculous just like I did, they agreed for us to help him look for Itchweeed. I wasn't particularly pleased with this decision, but they didn't listen to me. Hell, nobody listens to me. Nobody would probably notice I was gone until they wanted something from me. Ugh. I feel so unloved.
So anyway, we let Jeff lead us to the shack that's supposed to be Itchweeed's home. Now this is where things started getting completely out of hand. Jeff said that he heard a noise and ran off before we could stop him. I did my best to convince Maria and Candice that we should just go the hell home. "Jeff's just looking for attention," I told them. "Itchweeed has not been kidnapped. Jeff's just looking for attention."
"But Matt, he might cry again," Maria pointed out. She was a sucker for tears. "I don't want him to be sad."
"Yeah," Candice said. These girls really are too nice for their own good. "I--Matt look out!"
I turned around just in time for Itchweeed to hit me right in the head with a shovel. Now let me tell you something: that hurt like hell. If Itchweeed swings something at your head, duck because that shot knocked me unconscious. And when I woke up, I found myself and the girls tied up to wooden posts up by our ring in the woods.
"What the hell is going on?" I asked. I tried to get free from the ropes but I was tied up way too tightly.
"Itchweeed has gone nuts!" Candice said fearfully. "The Mole People have brainwashed him!"
"Quiet woman!" Itchweeed yelled angrily. "Don't be telling him about my Masters' secrets."
I groaned. In my head, I was asking God what I had done to deserve this crap. "Icthweeed come on, let us down. This is crazy."
"Don't be calling me crazy boy," Itchweeed snapped. "The Moles have told me what I need to do. I must sacrifice you to the fire."
I stared at him in disbelief. Once again, I had a hard time believing that this wasn't a joke until I noticed the piles of wood and pine straw at our feet and the matches in his hand. "Holy crap!" I yelled. "Help! Someone help!"
"Nobody's going to hear you boy. The only people--"
"ITCHWEEED YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!"
Let met say that I've never been so happy to see Beth in my life. She came storming in like a knight in shining armor and Itchweeed ran like a scalded dog. Once he was gone, she untied us and got our claims of undying devotion. Then of course, like five minutes later, Jeff comes running back and asks this question:
"What happened? Did you guys see Itchweeed? I can't find him anywhere."
I'm giving him away. I really mean it. I can't do this shit anymore. This is absolutely ridiculous. Now excuse me while I try to go find someone stupid enough to take him out of my hands.
