Wow, okay, I did not intend for this chapter to go this way. The worry was supposed to be there, the nice little start with Sarek's petty revenge on Shras was meant to go in there, but the end...well, Sarek really lets loose on his anger in written form and he is so going to regret it once he has calmed down. It's the first time he realises that he may actually be truly angry with Amanda for dying and leaving him and Spock.

For those interested, it is tied in with chapter 18 of FMEO.


Amanda,

I am now back at the colony, and warm once again. I managed to get Shras to come with me as a petty revenge for the cold of his planet. Now he can feel the heat of this one.

It is still unnamed by us. We do not want another Vulcan, we want the planet to still be the planet it is. It does not stop the other species in the Federation from calling it New Vulcan.

The name bothers me. But not as much as the heat is bothering Shras.

Yes, it is very much not a Vulcan decision to have brought him here, but it seems to have endeared the Andorian Ambassador to me even more. He is constantly complaining of the heat, but he does so with a smile and his antenna held in his happy but hot position. He knows why I made him come here.

I have gained myself an ally and friend, something sorely needed with the more violent races in the Federation, as it is more likely to prevent attack upon the colony.

At least the Andorians never bothered lying about their nature. To them, we are the liars. Most people tend to be emotional. But you already knew this and I am not stating anything new.

I am avoiding the real topic to be written about.

Shras is going to leave for his own home tonight, as I get ready to leave mine once again early tomorrow morning. I have been home less than a day and I had two separate calls waiting for me from the Enterprise, both about Spock. One from Doctor McCoy and another from Doctor Stevens, the ship counsellor.

They are deeply worried for him and fear this time he may be suicidal. The one week I am not here to take these calls is the one time they arrive. Our son is giving up on life, and I wasn't here to learn of it when it started.

I called him to see how he was for myself. It distressed me deeply enough to get me to swear at him. He tried to convince me that the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the one. I would not hear it spoken, not when my son is thinking of dying. He started crying Amanda, he was so distraught.

The Enterprise is soon to dock at a star base for maintenance and a short shore leave for the crew. I will meet them there. I am not going to abandon the only family I have left, I do not care how selfish it is of me.

I am needed by my son now. He needs to know he still has family. He has lost you. I do not think he could live with my death too. I can barely think of what it would do to me if he does decide to end his life.

I am so angry with you right now. I don't fully understand why, all I know is that it was you who died and left him in this state and I am left trying to help ease it and not knowing if I will be enough. I don't know what I am doing, Amanda. You were the one who always dealt with his problems.

I have the irrational feeling that you abandoned us to this fate. I cannot stop these thoughts. I know intellectually you would not do that to either of us, but emotionally it is all I can think of.

Why did you let go of Spock, Amanda? If you had been at his side, holding his hand like you were all the way through the caverns of the Katric Arc, you would still be alive and none of this would be happening. You would still be in my bed at night. You would be much more adept at farming than I am. You would make this bearable!

I am not going to cry when there is still an Andorian inside my house. I refuse myself that emotional response. You are not going to get anything out of me right now, but anger. And you have all of that right now. You are the one that left us! You are the one making Spock feel like killing himself! You are the one who has made our lives these past few months hell!

Right now, I don't like you at all. The woman I knew and loved would not have done this to her family.

I don't care how illogical, over emotional or how much I may end up disliking myself afterwards, I need to say this. I hate you right now, Amanda, for doing this to us. Hate you. Since I cannot shout it out loud, I will scream it all I want in words instead.

I HATE YOU!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!