Edward didn't know how he should feel about Erika leaving later that morning. They had agreed not to make any promises but he didn't want her out of his life. He couldn't blame her for leaving. He wasn't exactly the easiest person to get along with, though she didn't seem to mind his bad manners at times. In fact he thought she liked him for it. But what could he do. She left on her own. That was it. At least he knew where she was going this time. Even though he could always look her up in Central, he knew he wouldn't. She left with the intention of never seeing him again.
He hated how sure she was he would forget her but he felt guilty because it did seem true. Even her words made it seem like he had already done so. Well, he hadn't yet and there was an emptiness left by her absence that Edward thought would swallow him up. He couldn't believe how weak he was. She only left just a few hours ago.
When evening approached he was scared to be alone. It was only on furloughs that the dreams would come. They came based on his moods or how tired he was. He liked that Erika was there to keep them at bay. But she was gone now. He tried to convince himself it was better for her that way. It wasn't her responsibility to deal with him and his issues. He was going to have to gain control over the dreams somehow, no matter what it took. Havoc was right, even if he was half joking; he didn't want people to think he was going to break down, that he couldn't handle the stress of commanding a troop and fighting in a bloody war because he was too young.
He left his troop area and started to wander around the base camp. It surprised him how organized the place was. It was a traveling town. He found tents with supplies, which he knew about so he could stock up on more cigarettes when rations wouldn't suffice, there was a tent a barber set up, a laundry tent and even a makeshift tavern; all this along with the usual military run facilities. There seemed to be even more non-military personnel setting up shop then he remembered. He spied civilian tents on the outskirts of the main camp and even some children scampering around; soldier's families wanting to keep close and non-military families looking to return to their homes, not wanting to be last and have someone else take what had been theirs once the army ran the Drachmans out. Whenever he came in, he was always too tired to notice what was going on around the camp and spent most of his time with Erika. Stop thinking about her you fool! She's gone, there's nothing you can do about it! He chided himself. The purpose of wandering around was to keep from doing so, to keep from thinking about the way they spent their time together... Fuck! He then redirected himself towards the tavern.
He ordered a drink and as he sat on a barrel at the bar, which was nothing more than more barrels and a wood plank over them, he took a look around. It was pretty quiet. There weren't a lot of troops around on furlough. The fighting was intense around the outskirts of North City. Central was pushing to retake the city as soon as possible to provide a morale booster to the country since they left the city in the first place with promises of regaining it. There were a couple of card games going on but he wasn't feeling very social. It was too quiet for him. It got him thinking about Erika again, remembering when he found her again in Central in the brothel. Fuck, I hope she's not going to end up there again. She said she's going to work at a hospital but what if... What the fuck did I tell you?! Stop it! It's not your concern what she does. Damn it, why is it that when shit happens it happens all at once!
He was ready to leave when someone sat next to him and spoke, "Are you going to drink that?"
Edward turned and looked to his right and saw a young lady sitting next to him. She had deep auburn hair and green eyes. She was looking at him just as Erika used to; the same interested yet amused look, like he was there for her entertainment. He slid his untouched drink over to her glad she didn't look like Erika though still attractive. She smiled and picked up the glass, touching it to her lips she tilted her head back and downed the whole thing at once.
"Want another one?" Edward asked in awe how well she seemed to handle the alcohol.
"Only if you have one with me," she said.
She asked for a cigarette from Edward and together they had a couple more drinks and smoked. They didn't talk much and it didn't bother Edward any. Her presence didn't help him feel any more sociable than he had been but at least he wasn't alone.
"Aren't you bored?" Edward asked after a while as he finished off his third drink.
"How can anyone get bored watching someone as pretty as you," she said blowing out a cloud of smoke away from them.
Edward brushed off the complement with a little smirk. "So what do you do around here?" He asked feeling they should at least say something. "Are you a volunteer nurse?"
"No. I find that I can serve my country in other ways," she said without embarrassment.
Edward understood what she meant. "Do you want to take a walk?"
"Sure," she said sliding off the barrel and putting her arm through Edward's right that he had offered.
"I've always found automail intriguing," she commented after a light pressure from her own arm did not return the feel of pliable flesh.
"There's more where that came from," Edward said with a sly grin as he led her out.
There was not much of a chance for him to miss Erika... at least he wouldn't give himself the chance to now.
He wasn't allowed to leave until early morning. He also wasn't allowed to get much sleep either but that part he didn't mind so much, even if he had to face a long day of seeing to preparations for the troop's departure and the march back to his post. It was enough of a distraction to keep him from thinking of Erika or anything else for that matter.
When he returned to his own tent he saw men from his troop starting to move about the campsite. He also spotted Havoc coming towards him and he quickly ducked in his tent. He didn't know what the Lieutenant wanted to talk about but he didn't want it to happen in front of those who were awake in case he got upset again. He hoped it would just be about normal procedures, updates on supplies and troop activities; he was welcoming the coming distraction of his duties; anything that would get him out of his emotionally charged thoughts and into more rational thinking.
"Ed," Havoc said peaking through the tent opening.
Edward sighed; noting the use of his name meant the Lieutenant wasn't there for business. "What do you want?" He asked trying not to sound too rude.
"You alright? You weren't here all night," the Lieutenant said sounding a little worried.
"How do you know that?" Edward asked irritably, thinking that for once he'd just like to be able to move about without someone keeping tabs on him. "Maybe I was up early and returned from a walk around the camp."
"I saw Erika leave on an ambulance yesterday so figured I could come by to talk but you weren't here."
"Do you blame me for not being here?" Edward countered.
"No and that's why I wanted to talk, before you went off and did something..."
"What? Did something stupid?" Edward interrupted angrily.
Havoc knew it was no use trying to cover up his slip. "Yes, especially after what happened with Tringum. You were pretty worked up and I was worried you'd take off and get into trouble."
"I appreciate the concern Lieutenant but I can take care of myself and as an officer I know how to conduct myself."
"You sure had me fooled the way you and Tringum went at it."
Edward glared at him though he knew Havoc had every reason to be worried. But he still didn't like the zero confidence he was getting from his First Lieutenant. "Is that all your here for, to point out my faults?"
"No, of course not..."
"Then why are you? Is it to give me a report?" But before Havoc could say anything in response Edward continued. "Then go ahead. I'm all ears. It's not just Brigadier General Locke who needs to know what's going on with this troop."
"Look," Havoc said trying to stay calm. Dealing with Edward's attitude could be trying and a real test to his patience. "I apologize for not telling you about Lieutenant Kestrel. You have a lot on your plate and I didn't think it was worth you worrying about."
"I think I've shown I'm capable of handling myself under pressure," he said and paused before continuing when he saw a look from his Lieutenant, reminding him how he tried to attack Russell and the other times he'd cracked, so he quickly added, "I may have snapped a few times but I don't think that would give you cause to hide things from me."
"Well, you haven't always been one to be so willing to share. I've had to put up with a lot of your melt downs so sue me for not wanting to deal with another."
"It looks like Mr. Observant was wrong because you still had to."
Havoc sighed. He was tired and ready to give up; anything as long as he didn't have to argue with such a headstrong person anymore. "Look Ed, I'm sorry. Please don't hold a grudge against me over this."
"Then don't underestimate me anymore. I was nearly kicked out of the military, I almost tried to kill Russell and Erika left, for good this time and I'm still standing here in one piece, without you having to drag me out of some bar fight. I think I deserve some credit for keeping it together as well as I have."
"Yes, you're right," Havoc said guiltily a moment later. He could see that Edward was right; he was keeping it together pretty well; watching the young man before him standing tall and determined he knew that leaving to blow off steam quietly was a lot better than the temper tantrums he had to deal with in the past. Now he wished he hadn't kept anything from Edward; it had just added to the problems he had to deal with. Havoc knew that he should have realized that one of the times Edward got upset was learning Al had hid something from his brother. He was ashamed of himself - and of his pride over his ability to observe situations - that he hadn't picked up on that. "I did underestimate you but it won't happen again. You have to admit that you have given me a lot of grief," Havoc couldn't help adding.
Edward looked sheepish, knowing the Lieutenant was right. "I know and I'm sorry about that as well. I'm sure it hasn't been easy, especially with Mustang holding you responsible for me."
"It hasn't but it is getting easier."
"Good," Edward said feeling relieved. He really didn't want to make things hard for Havoc; he was under a lot of stress as well. He also couldn't and didn't want to hold a grudge any longer. Havoc had stood by him no matter what and helped him through a lot. Besides, who was he going to bum cigarettes off of when he ran out? "Now, do you have anything to report?"
Havoc smiled and went into his dialogue, briefing Edward about everything he would need to know. Edward sat down and listened, taking everything in. Yes, he was feeling very grateful to be getting back to business; back to something he was more familiar with that would distract him from his confusing thoughts. The military would always be helpful in that regard. This would be the one time he appreciated being led on a leash; to be pointed in the direction his thoughts should be since doing so on his own just created more emotional drama.
