TRIGGER WARNING. She talks about Lewis stuff.

It was a couple of nights later that he found her on the floor of the kitchen, and she was a mess.

They'd spent another day at the beach, making light conversation and just shooting the breeze. Elliot figured she'd preferred it that way. Can't talk about her assault all the time or else it'd consume her even more so than it already did.

But tonight, however, it seemed to have gotten the best of her.

He looked down at her and shook his head lightly but there was a small smile gracing his face.

"I.. I d-didn't relapse…" was the first thing she slurred at him.

Elliot sat down in front of her on the tile and reached for the jar of moonshine in her hand but she pulled it back slightly and held on tightly to the jar, shaking her head, indicating that she wasn't yet ready to give it up.

"It's not relapsing, Liv…" He told her softly. "You have to be an alcoholic for you to relapse and we both know you just had a scare with a drinking problem." Elliot explained as his eyes softened when he gazed at the woman who was in her panties and a low-cut tank top. Her scars were on display, that was for sure.

"I… I…" She began, as she tried to explain her behavior.

"It's okay to get drunk every now and then…" Elliot saved her. "It's okay to have a crap day or night and get shitfaced… as long as you don't do it every day, then it's not a problem." He told her, knowing good and well that she might not even remember this conversation.

Plus, he knew it'd been a while since she'd even touched alcohol.

Olivia nodded, as if that had been the message she'd been trying to convey the entire time to explain why she was in fact, nearly shitfaced, on the kitchen floor of his mother's beach house in the middle of the night.

Elliot jerked his head towards the mason jar she currently held in her hands.

"I didn't realize there was any moonshine left here." He commented lightly.

"Tea… I… I was going t-to make tea b-but…" Olivia slurred.

"But you found the moonshine…." He finished for her, nodding his head.

Olivia almost scoffed at him. She rolled her eyes and gave him an unimpressed look.

"Y-you're a cop…" She said, shaking her finger at him. "You're not supposed to have moonshine… I-It's illegal…"

Elliot laughed and shook his head. She was so fucking cute when she was drunk. He just wished she'd been drinking for a fun reason, and not for the bad one.

"I'm not a cop anymore…" He reminded her.

Olivia hung her head low, as if the memory pained her, as if it physically hurt her to remember that they were no longer partners and that they hadn't been for years. God she'd missed him as her partner. Nick was a great partner but.. it just hadn't been the same.

She huffed and shook her head as she unscrewed the lid of the mason jar and took another swig.

"G-good stuffff…" She slurred, commenting on the watermelon flavor moonshine she still held in her hands.

Elliot laughed again.

"Yeah, yeah it is… I know some people…" He said, tilting his head to the side.

They sat in silence for a bit. Olivia ended up laying down on the floor in her drunken stupor and Elliot was happed the house had been cleaned before they'd come.

"Wanna tell me what happened?" He asked.

Olivia shrugged. "J-just bad dream…" She replied, as she took a deep breathe and curled up into herself. She had had a bad dream and it'd been terrible, one that had included Lewis and then when she had awoken, it'd turned into a triggering flashback. Elliot had been sound asleep and there was no way in hell she was waking him after she'd brought herself back to reality.

"You're supposed to wake me up, babe…" He told her sweetly. "It's what I'm here for…" He said as he cautiously reached down and moved her hair out of her face. Elliot could tell she'd been through something tonight.

She was pure perfection even in her drunken state.

Olivia shook her head quickly.

"Why?" He asked in curiosity.

She shook her head again.

"Y-you can't k-know the hell I… I… go throughhh." She replied, but never-the-less, she curled into his thigh as she layed on the hard floor.

Elliot shook his head as he ran his fingers through her hair. He loved her, he truly did and only recently had she let him begin to do this.

At first, she thought it'd be a flashback because of how Lewis yanked and pulled on her brunette locks but one day, she let Elliot touch her. They'd been lying in bed relaxing and she'd just picked up his hand and shoved it in her hair. Olivia had been filled with a mixture of surprise and relief when nothing happened, and the gentle massaging of Elliot's fingertips soothed her.

Now, he was sitting up against on row of cabinets while she was laid beside the other row, her ass against it but her head against his thigh.

"We're partners… It's my job to help you go through hell…" He commented.

Olivia wrapped her arms around his leg and nuzzled into his thigh.

Elliot huffed. He was so conflicted. He loved her, of course he loved her, but it was so hard to try and help her when he didn't know what to do or what she went through entirely.

"I want to know…" He whispered as he ran his fingers through her hair.

Olivia looked at him with drunken eyes and then rubbed her face against his thigh before she forced herself to sit up.

"I need to tell you… I s-should t-tell youuuu…" She slurred in agreement, closing her eyes briefly but Elliot shook his head. He hadn't meant for her to tell him right this second.

"Sober… I need you to tell me when you're sober." He told her, rubbing at her shoulder but she pulled away quickly and braced her back against the cabinets.

"No!" She denied as tears flooded her eyes. "Y-you don'ttt u-understanddd…" Olivia told him as she shoved his hand off of her.

Elliot looked at her with sad eyes. All he wanted to do was understand.

"Then make me…" He suggested.

Olivia pulled her knees up to her chested and hugged them. Elliot made it a point not to look at her ass, which was very much on display right now…

She shook her head slightly and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

"I-I-I'll never tell you sober… I won't…" She said. "The things he d-did… they were… they…" Olivia huffed and looked around the kitchen, longing to focus on anything but him.

Elliot bit his lip. He didn't want her to tell him like this. This wasn't why he brought her to his mother's beach house that was technically his now. Elliot had brought her here to give her a break from the city, from the people.

Olivia took a deep breath and began spilling her soul. She told him bits and pieces of the most vial parts of her attacks, even the parts she didn't want him to know, because deep down, she knew she'd have to tell him, she knew. It was important to their relationship.

Never in a million years would he have pushed her to tell him. Never.

He loved and cherished her and if she chose never to tell him, he would have lived with it. It would have been difficult as hell, but he would have honored her wishes.

"T-the f-first time… he used my vibrators against me…" Olivia explained, ducking her head to her knees briefly to wipe her eyes. "My body betrayed me… w-well kind of…" She said as she shrugged. "I… I… My body was u-use to t-them… I can't say it b-b-betrayed me… I-I-It did what I trained it t-to do so many timesss…." She told him, referring to her masturbation practices and looking slightly ashamed and guilty.

Elliot took his right hand and wiped it down his face. He hadn't been prepared to hear any of this. He always thought they'd sit down and talk, that he'd have time to prepare.

Olivia leaned back up and made eye contact with him.

"H-He…" Her bottom lip trembled as she spoke. "He shaved me… it'd been… a while since B-Brian and I… he'd just started a new j-job and so we d-didn't have much alone time…." Olivia explained. She swallowed hard. "L-Lewis… he said he wanted m-me… clean…" Then she rolled her eyes. "Which was f-fucked up b-because he… he was not… not clean…"

Elliot's eyes were already watering. It was killing him to hear what she was saying. Part of him wanted to stop her and part of him wanted to just let her continue and get it out.

She rubbed at her legs as a way to busy her hands. Elliot could see the scar from the bite mark that had healed on her inner thigh and he briefly wondered if Lewis had assaulted her with his mouth.

"I was h-high… I-I don't really remember it…" Olivia shrugged it off, referring to being shaved, as if that made it less traumatizing or painful… but in a way, it did. It's hard to have flashbacks about something that was never committed to memory.

"I-it's why they insisted I do the rape kit the first timeee…." She said with a tinge of embarrassment as she pushed her hair behind her ear. "The… the SANE nurse saw I-I was newly shaven…" Olivia shrugged again as she tightened her arms around her bare legs. "I w-was gonna do it anyways… they needed a-all the evidence… they could get…" Olivia finished as she hickuped and leaned back, removing her arms so she could use her right hand to wipe away her tears that had began to fall.

Elliot neglected to point out the obvious, the fact that if Lewis had inserted her vibrators into her body, then it was still rape with a foreign object, then she was in fact raped the first time around but he wouldn't take that from her. She wasn't specific about the things he did with the vibrators and he wasn't going to ask her.

Olivia put her legs down so that her toes were touching his thigh as she took another swig from the mason jar she'd found.

"He um… h-he touched me i-intimately… with his hands… his fingers were… well, h-he put t-them…" She shook her head quickly and gulped down more moonshine, refusing to say what she'd been trying to, but Elliot didn't need her to finish. He knew what she was trying to say, he'd worked enough cases with her to understand.

Lewis had fingered her. Whether that caused her to orgasm, Elliot didn't know but he sure wasn't about to ask about that either.

"And t-the s-spank-ings…" She sniffled as used her hands to wipe her face once more. "He did everything he could-d to inflict pain but n-not leave a m-mark…" Olivia stated, throwing her hands up in question as confused covered her face. "A-and I didn't under-understand it because… he…" Disgust now consumed her facial features. "He took so muchhh p-pride in… in… these!" She exclaimed as she pulled her tank top down a decent, showing the scars that covered her breasts, stretching her tank top so much that she almost ripped it and exposed her nipples.

"I… I j-just…" Olivia bit her lip as she looked up at him again. Tears graced his cheeks in his silence. His legs were stretched out and crossed, and arms were crossed, basically wrapped around himself as if he was trying to shield himself from the pain he felt for her.

Olivia shook her head as she released her tank top, took one last swig from the mason jar, and crawled over to him, straddling him. Then she guided his hands to her hips, letting him know that it was okay to touch her.

She took her thumbs and wiped his cheeks. Then kissed him lovingly. She let their foreheads rest against each other as her fingers massaged the skin and muscles behind his ears.

Elliot looked down at her attire once more, fully aware that this might be inappropriate since his girlfriend was in a drunken state and he was in only a tank top and his boxers himself.

"I just love you so fucking much." Olivia whispered.

His breath hitched, and his eyes went wide.

She'd said it.

She'd finally said it.

He wondered if she'd regret it.

Elliot was stunned but hearing those words flow out of her mouth, even if she was intoxicated, was like hearing the choir at the pearly gates of heaven. He felt like he'd been waiting his whole life to hear them.

"T-this is where you sa' it back…" Olivia slurred slightly, causing him to wonder how she'd managed to say the previous sentence perfectly. Or maybe she hadn't, maybe he'd just imagined that it was perfect because it fucking was whether or not it was slurred.

"I love you too, Olivia…" He said with passion and fire in his eyes as he eased his face back from hers so he could really look at her. "I love you too."

Olivia smiled as she began to cry. She leaned forward and buried her head in the crook of his neck as her emotions overtook her.

Elliot moved one hand up and down her back while the other arm stretched across her shoulder, making sure to hold her tight.

"You probably won't remember any of this in the morning…" He chuckled through his own tears. "But I love you too. So fucking much… God, I just…" Elliot couldn't even form words, so he leaned his head to the side and planted a kiss in her hair.

Olivia pushed herself up and stared at him.

"I'm w-worried-" she covered her mouth as she hickuped again, "Worried that my body w-won't react to you like I want it to…" Olivia explained. "After he…. after, I b-bought new ones… new v-vibrators but…" She shook her head and looked down. "I… I think they m-might be a trigger… or the sound of the… the… you know, the bbbzzzzzzzzzz…." She imitated with her mouth, trying to make a vibrating sound.

All Elliot could do was laugh at her.

"Yeah… yeah babe, I know what you're talking about…." He said. "And that's okay… we'll learn together. It's just like having sex for the first time." Elliot tried to explain. "You gotta experiment and figure out what your body likes and what it doesn't… and that's okay." He soothed her, rubbing her back again.

She shook her head. "I u-use to know…" She whispered, looking down.

Her body hadn't changed this drastically after Sealview. Sure, she couldn't go down on guys for a while and certain sounds bothered her but for the most part, she was okay with being touched. Right after, she'd needed the lights on so she could see who she was with and she took a break from having sex while also drinking or being intoxicated but it was nothing compared to this.

Elliot reached up to tuck a stray piece of her behind her ear, causing her to look at him.

"Your body went through a trauma…" Elliot reminded her. "You know what we tell our vics… it changes you. It changes your sex drive…" He said. "My sex drive changed after I shot Jenna." Elliot disclosed, and her eyes became wider.

"What?" She asked.

He nodded.

"I didn't have sex for months… couldn't sleep, didn't want Kathy to touch me, I only wanted the pills and to crawl in a hole and die..". Elliot confirmed.

Olivia swallowed hard.

"I-I was okay when I was w-with David after…" She told him silently, thinking back to the one and only time she'd had sex between both Lewis attacks.

"And it took you months to get there." He reminded her. "Not to mention his body was familiar to yours and you trusted him."

Olivia looked taken aback.

"I t-trust you-u!" She told him almost forcefully.

"I know." He promised her, giving her a small smile. "But it's… different… when it's someone you've already been with." He tried to explain to her.

Olivia nodded in agreement. Her head was swimming.

Elliot had so many questions to ask her. He wanted to ask for more info about the attacks… he knew there was more to the second one. He knew Lewis had had her in the car alone for too long without anything happening, but he wasn't sure that there was anything left to tell about the four days she'd spent with him. Elliot also wanted to know what her bad dream was about, what had driven her to the kitchen in search of tea to calm her nerves.

Tonight, Olivia had revealed a lot to him… a lot that hurt his heart and his head, but he wouldn't let her breach any more of her privacy, not tonight, not while she was drunk.

"So… you ready to go back to bed?" He asked gently, rubbing her left arm with his right hand.

Olivia shook her head 'no'.

"Why not?" He asked gingerly.

"I'ma 'bout to throw up…" She said, giving him a sympathetic look.

Elliot nodded, trying not to laugh, and reached over for the trashcan, laying it sideways so that Olivia could reach it. She made it just in time to spill her guts.

He still had a smile on his face though, as he held her hair back.

"You are gonna have one hell of a morning." He told her as she continued to gag and vomit into the trash bag.

He hoped she remembered what they talked about and what he'd said. Most of all, he hoped she would remember telling him that she loved him.