Chapter 42: The Grandpa is Right

During a regular Saturday afternoon in the Griffin house, Maddie, Stewie, and Brian were in the living room watching TV. They were watching the Brady Bunch theme song.

Cutaway to TV

Here's the story of a lovely lady

Who was bringing up 3 very lovely girls

All of them had hair and gold like their mother

The youngest one in curls

Here's the story, of a man named Brady

Who was busy with 3 boys of his own

They were four men living all together

Yet they were all alone

Till the one day when the lady met the fellow

And they knew it was much more than a hunch

That this group would somehow form a family

That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch

Here's the story, of a guy named Big Jim

Who was really Mike Brady's secret gay mate.

Yes Mr. Brady was living a sham of a marriage

He tried to hide it, but it was too late

Carol Brady eventually found out

And she filed for an annulment and a divorce

Mike Brady had lost everything he owned

Now he's homeless and broke

Here's the story, of a man named Brady

Who's now living all homeless and on the streets

He lives in a cardboard box and does crack and marijuana

And he has no shoes on his feet

End Cutaway

"I don't like this extended version," said Stewie.

Just then, Zack and Meg walk through the front door holding bags of clothes and stuff.

"Maddie, we have a surprise for you," said Meg.

"You remembered how much you wanted a pet after Stripes died?" asked Zack.

"Yes," responded Maddie.

"So we went to the pet store..." said Meg.

"Yes?" asked Maddie with anticipation.

"And bought you a pet!" said Meg.

"YES!" squealed Maddie with joy.

"So here it is," said Meg as she went into the bag.

"Yes?"

"You're very own..." continued Meg.

"YES YES YES!" shouted Maddie.

"...Goldfish!" said Meg as she pulled out a fishbowl with a lone goldfish.

"...Yes?" asked Maddie with a hint of disappointment.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Stewie loudly, "Did you see that? She got burnt! She got totally burnt! It was like watching a car crash in slow motion."

"Um... thanks?" asked Maddie as Meg handed her the fishbowl.

"I know it's not as exciting as a dog or a cat," said Zack, "But it's the perfect pet for someone your age."

"Think of it as more of a starter pet," said Meg, "I'm sure you'll love her."

"Yeah, we'll probably be as good of friends as... two things that aren't very friendly... to each other" said Maddie dryly, "Meh, I'm too under whelmed to think of something."

An hour later, Maddie was boredly sitting in her room, boredly staring at her fishbowl.

"I guess I'll call you Goldie," said Maddie, "So do you do anything other than swim around in a fishbowl?"

All Goldie could do was swim around a bit in the fishbowl and stare at her new owner.

"No... how exciting..." said Maddie boredly.

Suddenly, Chris walks into the room carrying a notebook and pencil.

"Maddie, can you help me with math homework?" asked Chris, "Math homework is really hard."

"Uncle Chris, I'm just a baby," said Maddie.

"Tilly's a baby and she knows math and science and outer space and stuff," said Chris.

"I'm not Tilly! Can't you ask someone else, like my mom or YOUR mom?" asked Maddie.

"Because dad said that girls aren't good at math or anything except kitchen stuff," said Chris.

"Then why are you asking me?" asked Maddie, "I'm a GIRL!"

"Because you're a baby and Tilly's a baby and she knows math and science and outer space and stuff," said Chris.

"But I'm still a girl," said Maddie, "Ask grandma. she's an adult."

"I can't," said Chris, "Because dad said that girls aren't-"

"Fine! Fine! What's the problem?" asked Maddie annoyed.

"I can't figure out this one math problem," said Chris, "What's 36 divided by 6?"

"A 14 year old boy with the intellect of a one year old asking a one year a math question," said Maddie, "We'll be here for hours!"

Just then, Goldie begins blowing bubbles in her fishbowl, each one rapidly in succession. Maddie then begins to count the bubbles.

"Goldie blew 6 bubbles..." said Maddie, "Maybe the answer's 6?"

"Okay, 60 divided by 5..." asked Chris.

Goldie then blew twelve bubbles in her fish bowl.

"Goldie thinks it's twelve," said Maddie, "I think she knows math!"

"Wait... you mean your goldfish knows math? And it's a girl?" asked Chris in shock, "MY MIND IS BLOWN! AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"

"You must be a pretty smart fish, huh," asked Maddie as the fish nodded, "Wanna learn some tricks?"

A few days later, Brian walks up to Maddie's room to see how she was doing.

"So how are things going with your new pet?" asked Brian.

"Things are going great, actually," said Maddie.

"Really?" asked Brian, "I thought you'd find your goldfish to be on the boring side. As pets, they don't do much."

"Goldie is really smart," said Maddie, "You should look at all the neat tricks I taught her."

"Tricks?" asked Brian as his curiosity peaked.

"Watch. Goldie, roll," commanded Maddie.

Goldie then rolled within her fishbowl.

"Goldie, jump," commanded Maddie.

Goldie then leapt from out of her fishbowl and landed back within it.

"Goldie, how many fingers am I holding?" asked Maddie as she held up 3 fingers.

Goldie then blows out 3 bubbles.

"High fin, Goldie!" said Maddie as Goldie leapt from the bowl to give Maddie a high five.

"Wow, impressive," said Brian in awe, "I guess you CAN teach a Gold Fish new tricks. Heh heh! Get it, because it's a spin on the phrase 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks' and gold sounds like old."

"Yeah, I kinda got it the first time," said Maddie.

"Yeah..." sighed Brian as he was then about to eat some fish sticks.

Goldie and Maddie both see this, however, and scream as Brian puts them to his mouth. Maddie, then slaps them from out of his hand.

"Ow! What's wrong with you?" asked Brian.

"What's wrong with YOU?" asked Maddie as she pointed out Goldie to him.

"Oh... OH! Oh my god! I am so so sorry!" said Brian.

"You were about to feast on Goldie's brethren in front of her!" said Maddie, "You're more inconsiderate than Bugs Bunny was when he took Daffy Duck to Chinatown?"

Flashback

Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck were taking a stroll to Chinatown when they stop by a shop.

"You say you found some family members I wanted to meet?" asked Daffy.

"Yep," said Bugs pointing to a bunch of upside down hanging dad ducks, "I found them 'hanging' around!"

"Oh my god!" said Daffy as his lips trembled, "Oh dear God no! I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"Heh heh! Ain't I a stinker?" asked Bugs.

"This isn't funny at all!" sobbed Daffy, "You think this is some kind of joke? Well it isn't funny! I lost my mom to Chinese men when I was a duckling!"

"Heh heh... ohhhhh...." laughed Bugs nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Wow! Even I thought that was in bad taste, and I'm a stereotype," said Speedy Gonzalez, "Andale! Andale! Arriba, arriba!"

With that, Speedy sped off.

End Flashback

A week later, Peter was in the living room watching TV when the doorbell rings. As he answers it, he sees his friends Joe and Quagmire except they're all dressed up. Joe was bald and in a suit just like Professor X of the X-Men and Quagmire was dressed up as Batman.

"Hey, Peter, the comic book convention is in town," said Quagmire, "We wanted to know if you wanted to come along?"

"Wow, you guys are even dressed up like comic book characters," said Peter, "Especially you Joe. You went all the way by shaving your head to be Professor X."

"Actually, I have cancer and my hair fell out," said Joe gravely.

"Really?" asked Peter.

"Yeah...," said Joe, "Professor Xavier is a bald cripple and at the moment, so am I."

"Wow, I'm sorry to hear that," said Peter in a serious tone.

"So anyway, you coming or what?" asked Quagmire.

"Yeah, just give me a second!" said Peter, "I gotta get a costume!"

Peter then rushes into his room and begins looking through his closet for clothes.

"What on earth are you doing, Peter?" asked Lois.

"Lois, have you seen my Superman costume?" asked Peter, "The one I wore on Halloween?"

"I threw it out," said Lois.

"What? Awwwww!" groaned Peter, "But why?"

"Well, let this be a lesson to you," said Lois, "Next time you make a superhero costume, include a zipper when you want to use the bathroom and capes don't make good toilet paper."

"I gotta find something else!" said Peter as he ran into Maddie's room and saw the goldfish in the fishbowl, "Perfect..."

Later that afternoon, Maddie lead Olivia and Janet into her room to show them her new fish.

"And she's really smart, too," said Maddie, "She's like a super fish or something."

"I can't wait to see this smart fish of yours," said Olivia.

"I like fishes," said Janet.

"That's weird," said Maddie, "She was on the table when I left. Goldie? Where is she?"

"We'll wait here, until you find her" said Olivia.

Maddie then goes downstairs into the living room where Lois was watching TV.

"Grandma, have you seen Goldie?" asked Maddie, "She's not in my room."

"Really? That's odd," said Lois, "Maybe your grandfather knows. Peter?"

Suddenly in a cloud of smoke, Peter appears wearing a green jumpsuit, a purple cape, and a fishbowl on his head like Mysterio from Spider-Man.

"Peter? I am not this Peter you speak of," said Peter, "There is only Mysterio, The Master of Illusion!"

"Wait a minute... that's my fishbowl you're wearing!" said Maddie in horror, "My fish better not be in there!"

"Keep you diaper on," said Peter, "The Great Mysterio put you fish over there."

To Maddie's horror, her fish was on the dresser flopping around without any water.

"Oh my God! Goldie!" said Maddie in utmost horror.

"Oh that's right... fish need water to survive or something," said Peter.

"You left a goldfish out of the water?!" asked Lois furiously, "What the hell were you thinking?!?"

"The great Mysterio doesn't think!" shouted Peter.

Thinking quickly, Maddie grabs a nearby vase, tosses the flowers away and quickly puts Goldie into the vase full of water. As she looks in the bowl, she notices that Goldie was floating upside and not moving.

"Th-this is just a new trick, right Goldie?" she asked nervously but the fish didn't respond, "...Goldie?"

"I'm sorry, Maddie," said Lois, "But I think your goldfish is dead."

"But... she'll come back, right?" asked Maddie, "She's just sleeping, isn't she?"

Lois just silently shook her head and Maddie began to cry.

"I guess The Great Mysterio is not wearing a nice costume today," muttered Peter selfishly.

A few hours Maddie, Meg, and Zack stood in the backyard on the cloudy, windy fall day as The Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven solemnly played in the background. The infant was holding nothing but an empty fishbowl as she sadly looked at a small marked grave that read: "Here Lies Goldie: Maddie's Fish." She could only cry as she clutched tightly to her mother and father who both hugged her back.

"I'm sorry, Maddie," said Zack as he wiped the tears from her eyes, "There was nothing we could do..."

"We can get you a new goldfish if you want," said Meg, "Would you like that?"

"No... I don't want a new goldfish," said Maddie as she slowly walked back towards the house, "I want a new grandpa. A better grandpa."

Meg and Zack could only gasp at Maddie's statement. She had made it abundantly clear that she was angry at Peter for what he had done, but they didn't think she was THIS angry. Zack and Meg walk inside the house and into the living room where Peter and Lois were watching TV. Peter was still wearing the Mysterio costume and the very sight of him desecrating what was Goldie's final resting place made Zack's blood boil.

"You!" pointed Zack accusingly, "You made my little girl cry!"

"DO NOT THREATEN THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MYSTER-" shouted Peter as Zack shattered the fishbowl head with his fist, jamming a few shards into Peter's face, "OWOWOWOWOWOWOW! THE GREAT MYSTERIO IS IN PAIN! OWOWOWOW!"

"The Great Mysterio can shut up!" said Zack angrily.

"You fat bastard! You knew Maddie always wanted a pet!" said Meg angrily, "Why do you have to ruin everything?!"

"You know, this wouldn't have even happened if you didn't get her a pet in the first place," said Peter sternly, "I think we know who is TRULY to blame here."

"That does it!" said Zack angrily as he grabbed Peter by the shirt collar, "I'm going to kill you a million times over! Then after that I'm going to dig up your grave just so I can take your DNA, then clone you so I can kill your clones! Then I'll have your soul converted to Hinduism so you can be reincarnated so I can kill you again! Then I'll have Lois impregnated with what's left of you so I can kill your next son!"

"What if she has a daughter?" asked Peter.

"Then... Maddie gets an aunt," said Zack, "So... you better pray it's a girl!"

"Stop it! All of you!" intervened Lois, "Getting angry at Peter isn't going to bring Goldie back!"

"Maddie happens to think so," said Meg.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Peter.

"Dad, Maddie hates you!" said Meg.

"Me?" asked Peter, "How can anybody hate me? I'm a lovable oaf!"

"Yeah, you're about as lovable as a terminal illness," said Zack.

"Oh yeah?" challenged Peter, "...Well, I had sex with your WIFE!"

"My wife is your daughter, dumbass!" said Zack.

"...Damn you, Seinfeld!" shouted Peter angry, "Anyway, I killed a fish! So what? They don't have feelings!"

"Peter, you killed her pet," said Brian, "If you think anyone wouldn't be mad at you for that, then you're in more denial than Michelangelo was about his addiction."

Cutaway

Michelangelo was walking back home into the sewers when he sees Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, Splinter, and April all sitting in the living room waiting for him.

"Dudes, what the shell's going on here?" asked Michelangelo.

"It's an intervention, my son," said Splinter.

"Michelangelo, we're getting very worried about this addiction of yours," said Leonardo.

"Yeah, and it's gotta stop before you kill yourself," said Donatello.

"Dudes, this better not be what I this is about," said Michelangelo, "And what the shell are THEY doing here?"

He was pointing to Bebop, Rocksteady,and Shredder who were in the lair for some reason.

"Your addiction is so bad that they wanted to help," said April.

"That's right," snorted Bebop, "Believe me, no drug is worth it."

"It starts by getting high," said Shredder, "But then you start getting nothing but lows."

"I seriously do not have a problem!" said Michelangelo.

"No?" asked Raphael, "Then maybe you wouldn't mind explaining THESE!"

He then throws onto the table 10 empty pizza boxes.

"That's doesn't mean anything," said Michelangelo, "So what if I had a few pizza boxes in my room. That doesn't mean I'm addicted to the HOLY CRAP! THERE'S STILL SOME CHEESE IN THAT BOX!"

"Mikey! No!" shouted Leonardo as he and everyone else in the room began to restrain Michelangelo.

End Cutaway

Meanwhile upstairs in Stewie and Maddie's bedroom, Maddie was sadly beating on the drums of her drum kit. She was still sulking over the loss of her beloved goldfish as Stewie, Tilly, and CJ walked in to attempt to cheer her up.

"Hey," said Stewie.

"Hey," said Maddie.

"I heard about what happened to Goldie," said Stewie, "You okay?"

"No," said Maddie, "It hurts so much."

"I know what it's like to lose a pet," said Tilly, "Last week I lost lab mouse number 72."

Flashback

Tilly takes her pet lab mouse out of it's cage and puts it into a large maze.

"Let's see how fast you can navigate through the labyrinth" said Tilly as she pressed a button on the stopwatch, "Go!"

As the mouse scrambles through the maze, Dance Magic Dance by David Bowie from Labyrinth begins to play in the background. The mouse then makes it to the center of the maze and takes a bite out of the cheese only to be fried as the cheese was hooked to a car battery.

"30 seconds! Not bad Number 72," said Tilly as she noticed he wasn't moving, "Number 72?"

End Flashback

"After the initial shock of losing Number 72 to a car battery, I realized that he had gone to a better place" said Tilly.

"I'm also pretty sure Goldie is in a better place, too," said CJ.

"You know what's the worst part of this is?" asked Maddie, "He didn't even say he was sorry! Well, I've had it up to here with grandpa! He's such a douche! It's bad enough he puts my parents through hell, but his own one year old granddaughter?"

"Maybe after grandma talks to him, he'll learn his lesson," said Tilly.

"That's the worst part!" said Maddie, "He never learns! He's just going to keep being a retarded douche forever!"

Maddie's Imagination

An adult Maddie was being walked down the aisle in a wedding dress by an aged Zack. As she turns, she sees something very very horrible.

"Oh my god! Grandpa!" shouted Maddie.

Peter was drunk and (surprise)naked as he was holding the champagne bottle.

"I just- I just wanna make a toast to the newlyweds," said Peter.

"You're ruining my wedding!" said Maddie.

"You you you! That's you're problem," said Peter, "You think everything's about you. Well it's not! Today's supposed to be about... you."

Peter then falls over unconscious as everyone looks on in shock. Meg could only cover her eyes in embarrassment as Lois just frowned and shook her head.

"Can this day get anymore awkward?" asked Maddie.

"Here comes the groom," said Stewie as he walked in wearing a wedding, "Oh my god, I thought we had discussed that were not going to wear the same thing at our wedding."

"Well, one of us has to change," said Maddie.

"Yes, I agree whole heartedly," said Stewie as he stood there and crossed his arms.

"...Ugh, every time..." muttered Maddie as she walked away.

End Imagination

"Wait, why are we getting married?" asked Stewie.

"Honestly?" asked Maddie, "'Because I don't really know that many boys aside from you CJ, Cody, and Bertram."

"I just had a thought," said CJ.

"You had a thought?" asked Tilly.

"Mmhmm," nodded CJ.

"Have a cookie," said Tilly as she handed him a cookie.

"Why?" asked CJ.

"It's how they train animals," said Tilly, "When they do something good, they give them food."

"Hey, I can also fart the alphabet," said CJ, "What kind of food will that give me?"

"A knuckle sandwich if you even mention you can do that again!" warned Tilly.

"If you don't like grandpa that much, you can replace him," said CJ.

"CJ that is... the most BRILLIANT thing you've ever said!" said Maddie.

"You can't just replace grandpa," said Tilly, "Family doesn't work that way."

"Maybe not, but I'll put an ad on the newspaper to hire someone to be my grandpa," said Maddie, "Auditions will be tomorrow in the garage."

The very next day, auditions for being Maddie's grandpa were being held at the garage like she said where a line of men were standing. Inside, Maddie was doing interviews along with Tilly, CJ, and Stewie.

"Mr... Cosby, is it?" asked Maddie, "If you were my grandpa, how would we spend a day together?"

"You see, Maddie, we can go have a picnic and have the jello pudding and Coca Cola, and take pictures with the Kodak film and listen to the jazz music," said Bill Cosby, "You see the thing with you kids is that you're always listening to the rap music that gives you the brain damage with all the hippin and the hoppin and the bippin and the boppin!"

"Thanks, but I'm looking for someone a little less..." said Maddie as she was thinking the right word, "...Commercial. Next?"

"Please give me this job!" begged Cosby, "I haven't had work in years!"

"That line didn't work for Andy Griffith and it won't work for you," said Stewie, "Don't make me call security."

Next up, Maddie was reviewing Frank Sanatra Jr.

"If you were my grandpa, how would we spend a day together?" asked Maddie.

"Well, kid, I'd-" said Frank Sanatra Jr.

"And it can't involve singing," said Maddie seriously.

"I think I'll leave now," he said as he walked away.

"But he's really good at it," said Stewie.

"Don't care. Next," said Maddie.

Herbert then walks into the garage.

"NEXT!" shouted Maddie quickly.

Herbert walks out of the garage. After he leaves, Seamus walks his way into the garage to be interviewed next.

"Now, I know what you're thinking," said Seamus, "I may not have the limbs of a normal grandfather, but I can be just as good as anyone."

"Alright, let's see," said Maddie as she tossed a ball, "Play catch."

Seamus misses the ball and walks over to pick up, but it keeps slipping between his wooden arms. He tries to pick it up again but it keeps slipping. He keeps doing this as the others watch for about half a minute. Stewie just boredly looks at his watch and CJ yawned.

"I think we've seen enough, Mr. Seamus," said Tilly.

"No, I can do this! I GOT IT!" shouted Seamus triumphantly as the ball slipped, "No, wait I don't. Maybe if you put some gum on the end of my arms..."

"Next..." said Maddie boredly.

They then go through a list of men who were auditioning.

Carter Pewterschmidt...

"Too mean," said Maddie.

Quagmire.

"Too pervy," said Tilly.

Mort.

"Too Jew," said Stewie.

Stan Smith.

"Too me too," said CJ.

Homer Simpson.

"Ditto," said Tilly.

After hours of looking through the various men, the kids were beginning to get tired.

"Well, this is the last one left," said Stewie, "Let's see how he does..."

"If you were my grandpa, how would we spend the day together," asked Maddie who was by this point bored out of her skull.

"Well, Maddie, I suppose I would start by giving you... A NEW CAR!" said Bob Barker as he pulled a curtain to reveal a power wheel.

"Oh my God! It's retired Price is Right host Bob Barker!" said Stewie in excitement.

"What are you doing here?" asked CJ.

"You see, ever since I've retired there's nothing for me to do," said Bob, "Then I saw your ad wanting a new full time grandpa so I decided, why not?"

"Forget her! Be OUR grandpa!" said Tilly.

"No! Be mine!" said Stewie excitedly.

"Settle down, children," said Bob, "We'll start the bidding with CJ."

"$100 Bob," said CJ.

"CJ bids 100 dollars," said Bob as a ding sound was heard, "Matilda?"

"500, Bob," said Tilly.

"Tilly bids 500. Stewie?" asked Bob.

"1000!" said Stewie.

"1000. Maddie?" asked Bob.

"1001," said Maddie.

"YOU BITCH!" shouted Stewie angrily.

"And the actual retail price without going over is..." said Bob as he pulled out an envelope, "$1560! Maddie, you win!"

"YES!" shouted Maddie triumphantly.

"Bullshit! She 1 upped my bid," muttered Stewie angrily.

The next morning, Maddie makes her way to the breakfast table as everyone else was having breakfast.

"Are you feeling any better, honey?" asked Meg.

"A little," said Maddie.

"Maddie, yesterday there were some wrongs that were made," said Peter, "And as such, an apology must be made."

"And...," said Maddie.

"And what? I'm waiting for you to apologize," said Maddie.

"Apologize?! For what?!" asked Maddie.

"For hating me," said Peter, "That was very hurtful."

"Bullshit!" said Zack, "You need to apologize to HER for killing her fish."

"It was in the name of Marvel," said Peter.

"Yes, because Stan Lee would take a fishbowl from a little girl and leave the fish to die," said Brian.

"Well, he would if he had to go to a comic book convention," said Peter.

"Well, I'm not apologizing to you," said Maddie, "In fact, it makes me glad that I hired a new grandpa to replace you!"

"You replaced your grandfather?" gasped Meg.

"You can't do that," said Brian, "As much as Peter pissed you off yesterday, you just can't replace your own flesh and blood. It's unethical!"

"Just who is this replacement anyway?" asked Lois.

"I'm glad you asked, grandma," said Maddie, "Here is my new grandpa, Booooooooooooob Barker!"

The Price is Right theme song then began to play as Bob Barker entered the kitchen.

"Yes, I am indeed Maddie's new grandfather, Bob Barker," said Bob.

"Oh my god!" said Meg in excitement, "It really is him!"

"You hired Bob Barker to be your grandpa?" asked Zack, "He must be really bored with retirement, then."

"I'm a huge fan," said Meg, "I love your involvement on animal rights."

"Thank you, Megan. It's good to know someone else out there cares," said Bob Barker, "Do you know that each year, 6 to 8 million animals are put into an animal shelter? You can help control the pet population by having your pets spayed or neutered."

"Why aren't you dead yet?" asked Brian dryly as he walked away.

"Bob Barker, can you teach me how to beat up Adam Sandler like you did in Happy Gilmore?" asked Chris.

"Sorry Uncle Chris, but he's my grandpa," said Maddie, "And he's going to take me to the park today."

"No he is not," said Peter, "Because like Brian said, it is unethical and nobody will accept him. Isn't that right, Lois?"

"Mr. Barker, I don't know what to say except... will you sign my left boob?" asked Lois who was barely able to contain herself as she ripped off her shirt.

"Just like your mother," said Zack to Meg, "She can't keep her shirt on when she meets a new man."

Later, Peter was sitting on the front steps as Brian walks out and sits next to him.

"What's wrong, Peter?" asked Brian, "You look like the proverbial cat got your tongue."

"It's Maddie," said Peter, "She hired Bob Barker to replace me as her grandpa. Now why in the world would she do something like that?"

"...You're telling me you honest to God don't know," said Brian, "For starters, it looks like Bob Barker actually cares about doing what Maddie wants to do."

In the backyard, Maddie and Bob Barker were flying kites.

"Wow, Maddie, you're a natural at this," said Bob, "You sure you haven't flown a kite before."

"Not outdoors," said Maddie, "I wanted us to fly a kite once, but he made me stay home with the fan on high while he went to the Drunken Clam."

"I remember that," said Peter, "That was a good day."

"For you, maybe," said Brian, "The point is that Bob actually wants to do what Maddie does. Do you get what I'm saying?"

"You're right, Brian," said Peter, "I have to get myself a grandson that'll do things that I want to do!"

"...Yes, Peter, that's exactly what I meant," said Brian dryly, "Why fix what's broken when you can just patch it up sloppily like what Maddie did?"

"I'll hire my own grandchild," said Peter.

"You already have two other grandchildren," said Brian, "Chris' kids Tilly and CJ."

"Even better!" said Peter, "I love how things always work out in the end."

Later at Jillian's apartment, Peter decide to pay Tilly and CJ a visit.

"Hi, Peter," said Jillian as she answered the door.

"Hi, Jillian," said Peter, "You're probably wondering what brings me to these neck of the woods."

"Actually, no," said Jillian.

"No?" asked Peter.

"Of course not, silly," said Jillian, "Because this is the city, not the woods and woods don't have necks."

"...Well played, Jillian. Well played," said Peter, "Anyway, I'm here to see Tilly and CJ and be their grandpa."

"Speaking of grandpas, I heard about what Maddie did," said Jillian, "I still can't believe she replaced you with Bob Barker."

"I know," said Peter, "It's a shame when your granddaughter fires you as her grandpa."

"I still can't believe it because I thought Bob Barker was dead," said Jillian, "I mean... that's why he's not on TV anymore, right?"

Later, Peter walks into Tilly and CJ's room where Tilly was having CJ run inside a giant hamster wheel that was hooked up to an electric generator.

"Hello, grandpa," said Tilly, "You're in time to witness my latest invention: the fitness generator. It not only saves money on electric bills, but can also be used to lose weight and keep you in shape."

"I'm a guinea pig!" said CJ.

"Yeah, yeah, that's great," said Peter nonchalantly, "But you know what's even better? Spending the day with your grandpa at the park!"

"Nice try," said Tilly.

"What do you mean 'Nice try'?" asked Peter.

"Like you couldn't be any more obvious," said Tilly, "You just want to use us a means of getting revenge on Maddie for replacing you."

"Yeah! We're not doing it!" said CJ, "...Not unless you pay."

"Can I pay you kids in candy?" asked Peter.

"...What kind of candy are we talking about here?" asked Tilly.

"Because if you say candy corn, we'll disown you for Alex Trebek," said CJ.

Later, Peter brings Tilly and CJ to the park were they happen to see Maddie and Bob Barker playing catch.

"There they are," said Peter, "Now to show Maddie and Bob Barker what a grandpa can REALLY do!"

"Good catch, Madeline!" said Bob to Maddie.

"Thanks," said Maddie, "My mom and dad have been too busy with their pizza place to play with me lately."

"Why hello there, Maddie," said Peter, "I was just about to play catch with my better grandchildren than you, Tilly and CJ, because I am the greatest grandpa in the world."

"Well, that's good for you, Mr. Griffin," said Bob Barker, "I hope you and your grandchildren have fun."

"Yes... we'll see who has 'fun' Mr. Barker," said Peter as he pulled out a football, "Okay, CJ and Tilly! Let's go play some catch over there right in plain sight where Maddie and her new grandpa are playing! Now go long, kids!"

"Like this?" asked CJ as he ran out.

"Go longer!" said Peter, "Perfect!"

"Okay, now what?" asked CJ.

"You stay there and catch the ball!" said Peter.

"Okay..." said CJ, "...Do what now?"

"Catch the ball!" said Peter.

"Okay..." said CJ, "...Do what now?"

"You're gonna have to help your brother," said Peter, "Otherwise he's going to stand there saying 'Do what now' all day."

"Do what now?" asked CJ offscreen.

"Just hold out your hands and catch the football!" shouted Tilly as CJ did so, "Yeah like that!"

"Okay, CJ! Here it comes!" shouted Peter as he looked over at Maddie, "Now watch as I, a REAL grandpa, tosses this football to my grandson!"

He then tosses the football to CJ, but he misses and hits the boy in the face instead.

"AHHH! MY FACE!" shouted CJ.

"What gives? You're doing it wrong, CJ!" said Peter.

"No, actually you're doing it wrong," said Bob, "A boy his age can't catch a football thrown that hard. You need to toss it softer, like so."

Bob Barker tosses the old pigskin to CJ who catches it with ease.

"I caught it! I caught it!" said CJ.

"Hey, I don't need grandparenting from you!" said Peter, "In fact, my grandkids and I are going to have the time of our lives this week and you'll see what you're missing out on, Maddie."

"Whatever," shrugged Maddie, "Grandpa Barker, will you push me on the swings?"

"Of course, Maddie," said Bob as he and Maddie walked off.

"We'll show them," said Peter, "We'll have the best time of our lives. She'll see."

Peter, Tilly, and CJ begin to do a montage of grandpa and grandchildren things as some generic music was playing in the background, but they kept doing things wrongs. They tried to go to the baseball game. Tilly caught a homerun ball with her extendo glove, but because Maddie and Bob Barker weren't watching, Peter angrily snatched it from her hand and threw it back into the field which hit the star pitcher in the head. Next they try going to the zoo. Peter and the kids walk up to the bear exhibit. Peter catches Maddie and Bob Barker and waves to them, showing them they're having a great time. Maddie just rolls her eyes as Bob Barker shows her the tigers. Peter turns and looks at the stroller to see that Tilly was sitting next to a bear cub. CJ was stuck inside the bear cage with the mama bear. After that, they head over to Bob's Funland, the amusement park. He takes the kids on the biggest roller coaster on the park. While going uphill, Peter sees Maddie and Bob walking by on ground level. He tries waving his hands to get their attention, but they they're moving way too fast. Tilly, gets sick and throws up on Peter. Afterwards, Peter is in the men's bathroom, cleaning himself up.

"You kids are the worst grandchildren ever!" said Peter as he came out of the bathroom, "I should have you both fired!"

"Exsqueeze me?" asked CJ offended.

"I kept trying to make myself look like the perfect grandpa but you two kept messing up!" said Peter, "You're more ungrateful than Zack was when the guys and I made him that theme song in the style of Flash Gordon by Queen."

Flashback

Zack was coming home from a hard day at the pizza parlor and sees Peter, Quagmire, and Joe in the living room dressed up as Queen with rock instruments.

"Zack... AAAAAAAAH! HE'S HOME FROM THE PIZZA PLACE!" sang Peter, Joe, and Quagmire.

"What the hell...?" asked Zack.

Later that day as Zack was taking a shower, Peter and the boys were outside, once again playing their instruments.

"Zack... AAAAAAAAH! HE'S TAKING A SHOWER!" they sang again.

"Grrrr...." growled Zack angrily as he was starting to get annoyed.

Later that night, Zack and Meg were on the bed making out. As they were about to take off their clothes, the song began playing again.

"Zack... AAAAAAAAH! HE'S GONNA HAVE SEX WITH MEG!" they sang again.

"THAT'S IT! GET OUT!!" shouted Zack angrily.

"Zack... AAAAAAAAH! HE'S TELLING US TO GET OUT!" they sang again.

"NO MORE THEME SONG! JUST GET OUT! NOOOOOOOOW!!!" shouted Zack again to the top of his lungs.

"Fine... fine, you ungrateful bastard..." said Peter as he and his friends left.

End Flashback

"Why is everything everybody else's fault when it comes to YOUR shortcomings?" asked Tilly.

"I mean, you kids aren't doing anything to make me look good!" said Peter, "Am I supposed to do all the work in being a grandfather?"

"Actually... yes," said Tilly.

"What?" asked Peter.

"Grandpa, being a grandpa isn't about you," said CJ, "And it's also not about being perfect. It's about your grandchildren and how much you love and care for them. It's the same as being a dad only for your children's children."

"And quite frankly, you're lagging behind," said Tilly, "WAAAAAY behind."

"How much behind?" asked Peter.

"I can only put it in two words," said Tilly, "Aunt Meg."

"You're right, kids," said Peter, "All this time, I thought being a grandpa was for the glory but I was wrong. It's about being there for your grandkids and help raising them to be a good person. And I blew it big time with Maddie and her goldfish. I'm gonna make it up to you. We're gonna have a good time at the mini golf course and no more trying to show off. What do you say?"

"Let's go!" said CJ.

Peter keeps his promise and takes the kids to the mini golf course. CJ was playing on the course with the windmills and tries to get the ball into the hole, but it hits a blade instead.

"Aww, shoot!" said CJ.

"Nice try, kiddo," said Peter, "That windmill is a bitch."

"Uh oh," said Tilly as she noticed Maddie and Bob walking by, "It's them."

"Eh, forget about them," said Peter, "It's your turn, Tilly."

"Maddie, look," said Bob Barker, "Isn't that your grandfather with your cousins?"

"You mean my former grandfather," said Maddie.

"Well I think it's time you two talked things out," said Bob Barker as he walked up to Peter, "Excuse me, Peter. I can't help but notice that you've been trying to get our attention lately, so I think it's time you and Maddie patched things up."

"I'm not going back to this retard!" said Maddie angrily.

"Maddie, you shouldn't say things about your grandfather like that," said Bob Barker.

"But he is one!" said Maddie, "He never does anything I want to do. Half the time he only cares about himself and the other half he cares about beer! I finally had a pet of my own and what does he do? Steals the fishbowl for himself to use as a costume piece!"

"Is this true?" asked Bob Barker.

"Well, yeah, I did," said Peter.

"Well, Maddie, I suppose your grandfather's parenting skills are a bit... incompetent, but-" said Bob Barker.

"Wait, what did you just say?" asked Peter.

"I don't mean any offense Mr. Griffin," said Bob Barker, "But if what Maddie is saying is true, you seem to be a very sub-par grandfather at best."

"I see..." said Peter as he then punched Bob Barker in the face.

"So that's the way it's going to be, eh?" asked Bob Barker as he punched Peter back.

Peter and Bob Barker get into an epic fist fight in the mini golf course. Bob grabs Peters head and presses it against the moving windmill blades. Peter then kicks him and they begin rolling downhill. After they stop, Peter begins pummeling Bob Barker until he laid unconscious on the ground. He then leaned down to Bob Barker's unconscious with his face mere inches from Peter's...

"The Price is Wrong... bitch," said Peter.

Then out of nowhere, Bob Barker grabbed Peter tightly by the neck and begins punching him. He begins jabbing Peter repeatedly until he started staggering.

"I think you've had enough! No?" asked Bob as he punched Peter in the face, "Now I think you've had enough... bitch!"

As Bob Barker was about to walk away, Peter falls right on top of him, crushing him.

"Oh my God! That phoney just killed Bob Barker!" shouted Phoney Guy.

Meanwhile at the Griffin house, the phone rings and Lois answers.

"Hello?" asked Lois, "Oh my God! I'll be there immediately!"

"What's wrong?" asked Meg.

"It's your father," said Lois, "He and Bob Barker are in the hospital."

"I should be surprised... but I'm not," said Brian.

"Mmmhmmm," nodded Zack in agreement.

Later at the Quahog Hospital, Peter's family, sans Maddie, was by his side in the hospital bed.

"Well, you got your ass beat by Bob Barker," said Zack, "We knew it was gonna happen sooner or later."

"We all expected later rather than sooner," said Lois.

"So where's Maddie?" asked Peter.

"She's visiting her 'grandpa'," said Meg.

"Yeah, I guess she is..." sighed Peter.

Meanwhile at the next hospital room, Maddie was indeed visiting Bob Barker who was in a body cast from having his bones crushed from Peter's weight.

"I'm sorry Peter broke all of your bones," said Maddie.

"It's alright, I suppose," said Bob Barker, "Ill be back on my feet in no time."

"I just wish things could've gone a little differently," said Maddie.

"Maddie, I think it's time you gave up this whole grandpa charade," said Bob Barker.

"What do you mean by that?" asked Maddie.

"There's an old saying," said Bob Barker, "Blood is thicker than water and Peter will be your grandfather no matter what."

"But he-"

"I know, he's an idiot," said Bob, "But he apparently means well. Do you honestly believe that he killed your goldfish on purpose?"

"No... I guess not," said Maddie.

"So I think it's time you two at least try to patch things up," said Bob.

"Okay then," said Maddie, "Thank you, Mr. Barker."

As she left Bob Barker, she enters Peter's room where he was alone and in the hospital bed.

"Hey," said Maddie.

"Hey," said Peter back.

"So... how are things going in the hospital?" asked Maddie.

"Not bad," said Peter, "The jello is good."

"Yeah...," said Maddie, "...Grandpa I'm..."

"No, I'M sorry. I'm sorry I killed your goldfish," said Peter, "And I don't mean like those fake apologies I make to Lois when I say learn a lesson but really don't because I basically tune myself out of the world and pretend I'm things like an astronaut or a pirate. I really mean this one for real."

"I guess I'm sorry, too," said Maddie, "I should be use to your ignorance and stupidity by now."

"I know, but you really did love that fish," said Peter, "You were just very angry, that's all. We all do dumb things when we're angry."

"I guess we do," said Maddie.

"How about I make it up to you," said Peter, "The weekend after I get out of the hospital, we'll do something YOU want to do."

"Thanks grandpa," said Maddie as she and Peter hugged each other.

A few weeks later, everyone was sitting in the living room talking about how things were back to normal again.

"I'm so glad that you and your grandfather are getting along again," said Lois.

"I'm glad, too," said Peter, "I learned that being a grandpa isn't about the glory or being perfect. You just have to be there and care for your grandchildren."

"And I learned that you can't solve family problems by replacing them," said Maddie.

"Well, I'm glad you learned that," said Meg.

"It's a good thing too, because I was thinking about replacing you for the weekend while you and dad went out," joked Maddie as everyone in the room then chuckled.

Suddenly, the front doorbell rings.

"Now who could that be?" asked Lois.

"I got it!" said Maddie as he walked out of the kitchen.

She then answers the door and is greeted by New Meg.

"I'm here for the new mom job," she said.

"Change of plans," said Maddie, "You've been canned."

"But I just got he-" she said before the door was slammed in her face.

End Chapter