Chapter 42

New Ages in History

Disclaimer: I don't own GG
Background: takes place in the episode where Lorelai is gone for the weekend and Rory eats in her house with Jess and Paris, which is when Dean comes, Jess leaves and they start fighting. All starts going down after that.
Warning: THIS chapter may be really triggering.

1.

As they drove back to Stars Hollow, Tristan's words rang in her head. Don't let him take away who you are. She wanted him to be right. But was there anything left from who she was? She had started giving up so much of who she had been up to that point. She couldn't bother with school, she didn't want to be a journalist, trying to concentrate while reading was impossible, her relationship with her grandparents felt like a lie because she kept pretending nothing had happened, being at Chillton felt like a joke, her room felt like a war zone, and her own body- like a foreign territory. Thank God for her mom, Sookie and her friends, old and new. Thank God for Jess.

But none of them made her feel any less lost. She felt like they saw a better version of herself and she didn't deserve them in her life. Everything she had to do took effort, even the simple daily things. He had overtaken her life like some horrible disease without her noticing. And she wanted her life back. All the running and hiding things from the people that loved her, it wasn't really her style ever. How had she let him reduce her to this shadow of herself? Maybe her old life didn't fit her anymore, but neither did hiding. It was time for a change.

And just like that, there was a small spark returning back in her eyes.

'Tristan.'

'Yeah.'

'Thank you for all you're doing lately. You're a good friend.'

'Thanks.'

'I wish you hadn't really seen me in this time of my life, though.'

'I'm don't wish that.'

'Why?'

'Remember how I told you I like to joke around because there aren't any people in high school worth knowing anyway? Well, I was mistaken. I'm glad to really know you, even in such a hard time.'

She smiled. For a moment she forgot what day it had been, finally relaxed and out of the shocked hypervigilant state she had been in.

2.

As they reached her house and she had gotten calmer, Tristan seemed a bit stressed. He paused in the car in front of her house and cleared his throat.

'Do you want me to come in with you when you tell your mom?'

'Thanks. But I think I need to do this alone.'

'Do you need me to stick around? Maybe write you that list?'

'That's sweet.' Somehow, him worrying made her feel calmer. 'I'll be okay. Well, okay will take time, but...I can do this. Thanks to you.'

'Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Don't skip school.'

'Look who says that.' She smiled.

'Well, I didn't say I won't. Rory-' He paused again. 'I'm serious. Fight this. You have a lot of people in your life. Let them in. And call me if you need me. You seriously worried me today. I've never seen you this pale.'

'I'm pale in general, you know that, right? Yes, I...I know your point and I'll try, okay. Today was really scary for me too.'

'Call me, any time of day, or night, if you need anything.'

'Okay.'

Tristan watched her go in the house, and only drove away when he saw her go in. Walking in the house she felt a little weak herself, like the bearer of bad news- even when the news included her. She felt somewhat detached from that fact at the moment, listening to her mom cheerfully yelling a greeting from the kitchen and giving her a list of things they could watch that night and things they could order to eat. It was perfectly normal, happy greeting, and it made her feel awful to have to change that. Although at that moment she wasn't quite opposed to a comfort movie with dinner on the couch. Plus she still hadn't eaten anything that day, too distraught to think about it. In any case, she pushed away her feelings on the subject. She had decided to try something different this time. Full honesty. She wanted to try to let people in and not hide anymore. And she had to start with today.

And this is how one of the longest afternoons of her life began.

One thing at a time, she thought, and mentally went through what Tristan had said. If she was too emotional to make decisions right now, maybe following what he said was an option for now.

'Mom.'

3.

'Oh, hey. How was Lane? Where do you stand on the movies and food part?'

'I didn't go to see Lane actually.' That's what she had written on the note, because she felt too upset to get even close to the truth.

'Why not?'

'I saw Tristan for a bit.'

'Oh? Are you two dating? Did I miss anything?'

'No, mom, I...Can we order first? I'm kind of hungry.' She knew once she told her mom everything, there would be different priorities.

'Sure.'

'Can you order from Luke's? And ask Jess to drop it off?'

Lorelai smiled widely now. 'Ahem. So...Jess...is that why we're ordering from Luke's?'

'Mom! You like Luke's, remember?'

'Clearly, you like it more than me right now.' Lorelai smiled again, and Rory smiled back.

'Okay, so I want to see him. It's really not what you think.'

'Aha. Clearly. Especially after that date you two had.' For a moment Rory was thinking about the dance she had with Jess, dressed in her lilac dress, and it made her feel a bit better. Having to break the happy chatter with her mom made her heart sink. She waited until Lorelai was done with the order.

'Mom.'

'Yeah.'

'I think you should sit down.'

'What is going on?'

'Dean came back this morning. A-after you left for the inn, apparently.' Lorelai's blood went cold.

'What happened? I need every detail. Did you call the police? Why didn't you call me in the Inn?'

'I-' This was harder than she thought. Saying all this now that she was calmer, felt surreal. 'I haven't called them. I was in shock, I think. I...can you please call them? I really don't think I can tell that story twice.' She was okay, to her own surprise, but just barely.

Her mom nodded, a little too stunned to say more. She kept looking up and down her face searching for any signs to tell her how her daughter was, but it was hard to figure out anything.

4.

Telling the police felt like a dream haze. They asked her so many questions that her head was spinning. At least they came to her kitchen, which was a relief. Her mom was on the side, with her arms crossed in front of her chest, trying to do anything to distract herself from wanting to interrupt the policeman and check how her daughter was. The good news was that they promised to put a police car in front of the house for protection and if they found Dean he would likely go to juvenile correction center until he was 18- or that was the hope anyway. He was minor, so he couldn't actually go to jail yet. The bad news was that if he went back with his father to wherever they moved to, that would make for a lot more complicated process, as he would cross state lines. In any case, the first portion of the process was over after a very lengthy questioning.

When they left, Lorelai hugged her immediately, holding her as close as she could. Rory was tense, but not as panicked anymore.

'I'm sorry.'

'For what mom?'

'That I left you alone, I couldn't protect you.' Rory felt sick at that statement.

'I...you couldn't. He's smart mom. He knew you had left the house and why. He knew there wasn't anyone in Bebet's house either. I think he's been watching for a while.'

'Are you hurt? Stupid question, but I don't know how else to ask.'

'Not physically, no.'

Her mom sighed, half in relief, and half filled with a whole different kind of worry.

'Why did you go to see Tristan? Why didn't you call me? Or Sookie? Or Luke? I don't...'

'I...I don't know. I was in shock. I didn't want to see anyone who knows me for a long time, I didn't want them to see me like that...'

'Like what?' The implication in Rory's words hurt Lorelai more than the picture of what had happened that morning.

Rory looked away, embarrassed. 'I couldn't think about anyone knowing what he'd done to me. Again. What I had let him get away with. Again.'

'Rory, it's not your fault.' Lorelai's voice was softer now.

Rory bit her lip to blood. New beginnings were harder than expected. Her desire to be stronger didn't change her body's reaction to what happened, and the instant desire to run and hide. She was just trying to resist the urge this time. Thankfully the bell saved her. Jess was coming with the food, fact, which both mother and daughter realized at the same time.

'Rory...if you knew we would have to call the police and all that, why did you want him to come over?'

'That's why. We kind of wanted to have a date tomorrow night. And now I don't know...I don't know anything. But I'm trying to be honest this time. So I think he should know. And then...I'll take it from there.'

'That's brave. I think it's the right call. Are you sure you can do this, today?'

Rory nodded. She didn't feel brave whatsoever, but she had made a decision, and she was trying to stick to it.

5.

When she opened the door, Jess already looked grim and that surprised her.

'Jess, what's wrong?'

'There is a police car in your driveway. Do you have anything to tell me?'

Her heart sank and she nodded. Calm was getting increasingly harder and she was daydreaming about being under a really hot shower, alone with her thoughts. They sat on the porch swing and she intently looked at her tennis shoes while she told him enough details to make the situation clear. He asked the same questions her mom had, was she hurt? When, where, how? She had to breathe deeply in between the answers so she won't lose it again.

'I just...I don't know about the date tomorrow, I really don't know what I'm doing from one moment to the next and I just I didn't want to feel like I didn't like you or I had left again...' She was stammering the words faster and faster, her face red with embarrassment, and he turned her face gently to him, so she would face him.

'Is that what you were worried about?'

'I. Like. You.' She managed to get out without crying. 'I can't lose you too.' Her blue eyes were intense and determined, and he was surprised that she could still keep it together after the day she has had. He ran a finger over her cheek gently and with so much care that she had to blink few times to swallow the tears.

'You're never going to lose me.'

'But he...' she didn't know how to put into words the logistics of what Dean had done to her mentally or physically, but it definitely made her worry about any intimacy she and Jess had started building. Her body was a war zone of fears and reactions and she didn't know what that meant for any relationship she could have. And Jess was quickly starting to mean a lot to her.

'Nothing has changed in how I feel for you. And I am glad you told me, okay? And you called the police. I'm proud of you.'

She looked away again so she wouldn't cry. Then she gathered all the courage she had and she looked back at him.

'Jess, I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. This morning I panicked at practically everything. I don't know what moving forward even looks like. And every time anyone touches me my first instinct is to run.'

'Just...be here. Keep talking. Let the people in your life be there for you okay.'

'That's the second time I'm hearing this today.' She noticed.

'See. So just listen to it.' He looked at the police car and gently put his hand on hers and squeezed. There was so much care in that gesture, that it melted her heart. Then he slowly pulled her in for a hug, giving her ample time to pull away if she needed to, and the hug warmed her to her core. If there was a time when she had any doubts about him, she couldn't even remember. He felt like family. Her face twitched in an effort to keep it together, but feeling safe with him was such a contrast to the morning and the way she woke up, that she felt like someone had kicked her in the stomach. She fought to keep the tears at bay.

'I was so scared.' She whispered in his shoulder, holding onto the warmth of his body for strength.

'I know. I'm sorry. I'm glad I'm here.'

'I'm glad too.'