If It Meant Living - Chapter 50

"Hope and Despair"


Shepard stormed into the cargo bay as the bay door closed behind her and headed straight for the nearest terminal. On the way she hit her comm. "Joker, get us to the Citadel."

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

Before she reached the terminal the elevator doors opened and Vega charged out.

"Why are we leaving? We have to help them!"

She hit the terminal and started typing – a message to Hackett, to the Fleet, to the Citadel, to anyone who was listening. "Because we were ordered to the Citadel. Because leaving is the only way to help them. Bec–"

"Bullshit!"

She spun around on him. "Did you see those things, James? I mean really see them? Did you see what they were doing? We have no power against the Reapers, not here, not now. If we are to stand any chance against them, we had to leave."

"Yeah? Then why did the Admiral stay?"

She bit her lip hard enough to draw blood. "Because those that live need a leader, someone to help them hold out until we can return."

"You could have done that, Commander. You – "

"I have to go to the Citadel. I'm a Council Spectre – if a suspended one – I can make them listen."

He threw up his arms and turned away. "Fuck that. The Admiral was on the Council, he could do that just as good as you." He turned back around to her. "So I ask you again – why did he stay and you leave?"

For all the emotions coursing through her veins and her mind, at the beginning and the end she was Commander Shepard…and so she took a moment to consider the situation. This was the first time James had bucked her authority, had even shown her anything other than deference and respect, if the occasional tongue-in-cheek joke. She knew, of course, that it wasn't the first time he had done so to superior officers in general, and that she was probably seeing the real James Vega for the first time.

Death and destruction had a way of stripping away the façade.

Passion was good; passion was the key even…so long as you didn't let it get you killed. She recalled Anderson's words many months ago. Tame him, if you think it's worthwhile. Anderson may be a decorated, battle-hardened, damn good soldier – one of the very best she had ever seen – but there were still some things he didn't understand. The last thing she wanted to do was tame James. She was going to need that kind of passion from him – from everyone she could find – if she was to have any hope of winning this war. But she did need to keep him alive long enough for him to learn to harness it, hone it into a weapon.

When she spoke, her voice was calm and even. "Because I was already on the Normandy and he wasn't. And now we each have a job to do. Okay?"

He stared at her for a moment, eyes narrowed, but then nodded.

She found a small smile for him. "We'll find help. We'll find a way."

Joker came over the speaker. "Commander? Priority call coming in from Admiral Hackett."

Thank god, Hackett was alive – that meant that despite the utter ruin of the Fleet circling Earth, some had survived to fight another day. "Patch it down here, Joker."

The transmission was filled with static, broken, barely coming through at all. "…Shepard…sustained heavy losses…force overwhelming…no way…conventionally…"

She drew close to the mike and spoke clearly. "Anderson has ordered me to the Citadel to meet with the Council."

"Good…first…post on Mars…before lose…system…"

She frowned. "Sir, I'm pretty sure we just passed Mars…"

"Must go…Prothean Archives…T'Soni…stop Reapers…only way...contact soon."

There were only three words she needed, any two of which would have been enough. T'Soni. Reapers. Way.

"Joker, slight change of plans, we need to make a stop at the Mars Archives first."

"But…we just passed Mars…"

She smiled briefly. "I know. I'm afraid we have to turn around. We need to rescue Liara."

"Oh, well…if it's Liara then…"

"Joker…"

"I mean it! I want to rescue Liara – she's so cute with her 'I don't really have much experience with humans so let me just prance around the room with my not-really-female breasts'…"

She tried very hard not to laugh. "Joker. Mars. Now."

He sounded like a scolded child. "Yes, ma'am."

She glanced over at Vega leaning against the support strut, arms crossed, watching her. Huh. He was a quick learner. "Go get suited up, we'll be at the Archives in a few minutes." He nodded curtly and disappeared into the armory.

She opened a nearby cabinet and grabbed an amp – finally! – reached behind her neck and popped it in, steeled herself against the momentary electric shock, and turned to follow him.

"Wait."

She spun around in surprise to find Kaidan standing against the wall behind her. She hadn't realized he was there in all the commotion; she had assumed he had gone up to the bridge.

"Just answer me one question – "

"Not now, Kaidan." Please not now, she could only juggle so many balls and her sanity. She closed her eyes briefly then turned to head to the armory.

"Yes, now. I just watched friends die. I don't know if my parents are alive or dead. I can barely comprehend the destruction I witnessed. But dammit you will talk to me."

She had stopped walking away but didn't turn around. Her voice was quiet. "Is that an order, Major?"

"Don't do that, Shepard."

After a moment she nodded faintly. Dammit but I can't deny you. "Okay. But we have to get suited up."

"Fine."

He pushed off the wall and followed her into the armory. Vega was just finishing getting into his armor; he looked up when they walked in, felt the waves of tension fill the room.

"Um…I'll be in the bay…checking on the shuttle. Yeah."

As soon as he exited Kaidan turned back to her. "So just one question. Why?"

She opened her old locker, grateful that they seemed to have left her armor intact. "Didn't you hear? I'm a war criminal. I blew up 300,000 Batarians."

"I've read the report. You didn't have a choice."

She glanced sideways at him. "You so sure about that? You don't think I did it because I wanted to, or at least with a small amount of glee?"

"Did you?"

She began pulling out her armor. "No. My report is accurate. I tried to save them…I wanted to save them."

"Okay."

She looked over in surprise. "You just believe me? Even after what you saw at Terra Nova?"

"I know how much you regretted it. You might recall it was after that we started…" He stopped and shook his head. "You know what? No. You still haven't answered my question. Why?"

She focused on her armor rather than the mocha eyes boring a hole through her soul. "Because you were better off without me."

"That so? And you just decided this? On your own?"

She reached around and fastened her weapons belt. "Yep."

His locker door slammed shut. "That's great. Could have checked with me first." Bitterness dripped from every word.

She whirled around and grabbed him by the shoulder, trying to ignore the real and ethereal electricity generated at the contact.

"You would have been blackballed; you damn sure wouldn't be a Major now. I wasn't going to let you ruin your career, your future, by being at my side."

He threw her arm off his shoulder. "That wasn't your decision to make!" His voice got louder with every word.

She turned away and sat down to put on her boots. Her voice was quiet. "Yes. It was."

A look of incredulity crept onto his face. "Do you really think so little of me as to believe I'm not capable of making my own decisions about my own life?"

She dropped her head. "Of course not. But – "

He shook his head in disbelief. "Of all the things, I never thought that a lack of respect would be the…"

She cringed. Why couldn't he understand? "I do respect you. It's because I respect you so much that I couldn't let you lose everything for me."

"If I want to choose to lose everything for you, then dammit, I get to make that choice."

Her voice was little more than a whisper. "No…you don't."

"I can't – "

Joker interrupted him. "Commander, we're on approach to the Mars Archives, ready to launch the shuttle when you are."

She stood up and grabbed her helmet. "Let's go."

"Gladly."

She stopped in the doorway. "Kaidan, I – "

"Don't. Let's just get this done and get to where we can do some good." He pushed past her and into the cargo hold.

Well Graceyn, looks like you got what you wanted. Congratulations!

She squeezed her eyes shut and ran her hand roughly down her face, then put on her helmet as she made her way to the shuttle. Reapers. Galaxy to save. Again.

... ... ...

Mars was…red. More of a burnt orange, really. Not that colors overly mattered in the midst of all the godforsaken dust. It's a wonder the Protheans had the patience to hang around here and study humans for hundreds, thousands of years what with all the endless dust…

Shepard started around the outcropping then quickly pulled flat against the rock, motioning Kaidan and James back.

"Cerberus. God. Dammit."

Kaidan's voice came over the comm into her helmet, sounding tight and flat. "Don't you want to fight them?"

She glanced over at him instinctively. "Yes. But if Cerberus is here, then that means the Illusive Man is going to be sticking his evil little fingers into the Reaper fight, and nothing good can come of that."

She sighed dramatically. "Well, maybe I'll at least get the chance to kill him this time." She pulled up her sniper rifle, leaned around the corner and shot the head off the guy talking on his comm, followed up with a singularity that pulled the rest of them into the air before they could raise their weapons, then took off running down the hill.

Vega jerked in surprise then started running after her. "Damn…she really is something else."

Another Cerberus agent came around from behind the vehicle and Kaidan quickly threw him into the wall on the way down the hill. His voice had regained little tenor. "That she is."

At the bottom of the hill they found her leaning against the Cerberus tank, one leg crossed over the other. She didn't even look over at them. Kaidan might have been annoyed, but he remembered all too clearly the many months fighting at her side. He knew she was thinking, strategizing, working out the infinite variables and responses.

She nodded abruptly. "Okay, this run just got a little more complicated. We can expect god knows how many Cerberus troops inside. Our first priority is to get Liara – and hopefully whatever data she has – safely out. If possible we also need to find out what Cerberus is doing here."

She stopped, then dropped her head back against the tank and stared at the red-burnt orange-dust-filled sky. "Oh, who am I kidding, I know why Cerberus is here. The Illusive Man thinks that whatever Liara has discovered may help him find a way to control the Reapers…"

James snorted. "Control the Reapers? That's loco."

She nodded slowly. "Yup. I was brought back to life by a madman. Comforting thought, isn't it?"

Kaidan instinctively stepped towards her, then stopped himself several feet away. "Shepard, we went through the Cerberus files, there was nothing. You're…fine." There were so many other, better words…

She nodded, but he couldn't see her expression. "I know. Come on."

They entered the cavernous doors to the station only to find three Cerberus troops floating helplessly in a massive singularity in the center of the room. One by one they were lifted nearly to the two-story ceiling, then slammed into the floor with enough force to snap the most reinforced neck.

Shepard removed her helmet and grinned at Liara standing in the opposite corner of the room.

"Been working out?"

Liara's face broke out into a broad smile. "Shepard!" She ran over, grabbing Shepard in a bear hug, which after a moment she delicately extricated herself from.

"It's so good to see you, I was worried about you." Liara suddenly glanced around, remembering the rest of the room. She stepped back and smiled. "Kaidan…it's been too long. Good to see you."

Ever the gentleman, he returned the warm smile. "And you, Liara. I heard a rumor you've been busy."

She nodded in acknowledgement. "Yes."

"Lieutenant James Vega, meet Liara T'Soni – Prothean expert, information broker extraordinaire, and my friend."

He simply nodded. "Ma'am."

"Well, technically Asari aren't – "

Shepard waved her off with a hand motion and a quick head shake. Don't bother.

"Yes, well. It is wonderful to see you all, but why are you here?"

"To rescue you, of course." She glanced over at the bodies on the floor. "Not that you need it."

Liara lost her smile. "Actually, I do." She started walking over to the window. "Hackett sent you?"

Shepard nodded.

"I've been here scouring the Archives for possible information or tools to use against the Reapers. I finally found something…but now with the attack on Earth time has run out, and I need to get this information to – oh Goddess, Earth…Shepard, I'm so sorry. How bad is it?"

Shepard stared down at the floor, her voice quiet. "Worse than you can imagine." She quickly looked back up at Liara, composure restored. "Which is why we need to hurry. What do you have?"

Liara nodded. "A weapon. Or at least a blueprint of one. Deep in the Archives I discovered plans for a Prothean device, one that was designed to wipe out the Reapers. The Protheans had a plan, but they ran out of time."

Vega chuckled. "Hallelujah! Let's go."

Liara frowned at him, puzzled. She had come a long way in the last few years, but the truth was she still didn't understand most humans. The problem was that they were all so different. "The blueprints are still housed over in the Archives. Until today I was studying them, digging deeper, trying to make sure I had all the pieces. Then suddenly Earth was under attack and Cerberus was inside the station. I'm afraid we'll need to get over to the Archives to retrieve them."

Shepard stared out the window at the cavern separating them and the Archives, increasingly obscured by dust from the encroaching storm. A weapon? It seemed impossible, and entirely too good to be true. But the Protheans had built a mass relay, who's to say they couldn't engineer a weapon that could kill Reapers. Regardless, it was a hope. A chance.

"Then we'd better get moving."

... ... ...

Shepard stepped over the recently-dead Cerberus body and into the security station as Liara went to the primary control panel. "Let's see if I can unlock the pedway…dammit, some kind of firewall has been erected blocking the security controls. It will take me a few minutes to crack it."

She glanced over at Liara, a twinkle in her eye. "As long as the Shadow Broker's door?"

"Now that was…possibly."

Shepard nodded. Time enough to try again. "Okay. We'll…take a look around." She glanced over at Kaidan and gave a quick head jerk, then walked towards the next room.

Vega looked over at them then back at Liara, then back at them. "Me too?…Nope. Not me too."

Kaidan followed her into the room, closed the door, then crossed his arms over his chest and stared at her. "Okay."

She turned around to him and tried to smile. "I need you to understand – "

"And I need you to understand. Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? Just when I was finally about to have you back…" He stared down at the floor. "You said you'd come back to me…but you just…" He swung an arm out in an exaggerated gesture and shook his head. "Turned me away…"

She nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. I felt that I had to."

"You didn't. I could have been there for you. But…I guess you've never really needed anyone to be there for you, have you? You've never really needed anyone at all, have you?"

"Kaidan…"

"Don't 'Kaidan' me. I won't be handled."

Who was this man standing before her? This…confident, assertive man? What had happened to him in three years? She had no idea what to make of it…and found she was reeling far too much from the day's events to puzzle it out. No gloves required – fine.

She threw her hands up in exasperation. "Fine. Do you think I've enjoyed this, any of this? Do you think I've enjoyed sitting in a room for six months, day after day, with nothing to do but think about how many months, how many weeks, how many days it was going to be until the Reapers invaded? With nothing to do but think about how in all the worlds we could possibly hope to defeat them? With nothing to do but think about you and all I had lost? About the future I had wanted but would never have? Do you think I was having fun? Because I assure you, I was not."

... ... ...

James leaned casually against the wall, watched Shepard's Asari friend hack speedily at the control panel, and tried not to eavesdrop on the increasingly raised voices coming from the adjacent room.

Liara glanced briefly at the door without ceasing her actions. "Hmm…I was under the impression they had reconciled before she destroyed the Collector Base."

He didn't think the comment had been directed at him; she seemed more to be musing to herself. But what the hell.

"I wouldn't know anything about that, but I know she refused to see him while she was in lockdown."

Liara stopped typing momentarily and looked back at the door, smiling a bit wistfully. "She would have been protecting him, of course, though I doubt he will have seen it that way. And, well, she always was hard-headed…"

... ... ...

Kaidan stared at her, various emotions fighting for control of his expression. "Shepard – "

"I did it for you, Kaidan. Not for me. If I'd have had my preference you would have been there every day and night. I – "

"To keep your bed warm?"

Her eyes widened, her mouth dropping open.

He squeezed his eyes shut. "I didn't – "

"My bed hasn't been warm since Alchera, so don't you dare try to – "

"Shepard, stop. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

She glared at him for a moment, eyes narrowed and lips clamped tightly together. Finally she nodded. "Okay."

He drew a hand roughly down his face and wandered across the room. "Look…" He glanced over at her, his voice tentative. "It hasn't?"

She shook her head faintly. "No…" She dropped her head against the wall and closed her eyes.

He bit his lower lip and looked away. "Yeah…mine either…"

She opened one eye to watch him. He glanced back and, on finding her singular eye, one corner of his mouth twitched up in the smallest, most tentative lopsided grin. She opened the other eye and felt her lips curve up just the slightest bit. The moment was over quickly, but it was…something.

He sighed tiredly. "Look, I understand what you're saying. But why didn't you at least talk to me?"

She smiled sadly at him. "Because you would have chosen to stay."

He met her gaze for what seemed an eternity, his eyes a bottomless well of sadness. "Yeah. I would have."

Her smile faded. "And standing across from you, face to face, I wouldn't have been able to tell you no."

"Then maybe you shouldn't have tried." He closed his eyes and turned away, rubbing his forehead and pacing slowly. "The thing is, I've had to live every day of the last three years without you around to protect me. I had to live the first two of those believing you were gone forever. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't fun, but I did it. Professionally at least, I did a pretty damn good job of it."

"I know – "

He raised an eyebrow. "Do you?"

Liara came over the comm. "I've, um, cracked the door."

He moved to go, but she went up behind him and grasped his hand. He turned in surprise, and she caught his eyes.

"I do."

He broke her gaze and stared down at their gloved, clasped hands for a moment, nodded almost imperceptibly, then let go and walked through the door – so he didn't see her scrunch up her face and quietly bang her forehead against the wall several times before following him.

They exited the building into a veritable tornado. Visibility had dropped to less than fifty feet – she could barely make out the tram; the Archives were completely obscured.

She turned to James. "Head back to the shuttle and get it over to the Archives. By the time we get over there we aren't going to be able to see the hand in front of our face, and we won't have time to come all the way back through to try to make it to the shuttle."

"But – "

"Now, Lieutenant."

"Right. Ma'am."

She turned back and surveyed the landscape, which consisted primarily of impenetrable dust and a ladder.

"We go up."

On stepping into the next section of the station they were met with a scene of horror and death. At least a dozen bodies were scattered about a dark room, all bearing expressions of frozen agony.

Kaidan shook his head in disgust. "They vented all the air from the room while these people were still in here."

Liara sagged back against the wall. "This is brutal, even by Cerberus standards!"

Shepard had remained in the doorway, quietly staring at the nearest body. "No. It isn't."

Both their heads swung around to her, but Kaidan was the first to speak.

"What…are you saying you saw Cerberus do worse than this?"

She nodded slowly. "I am."

His gaze pierced through her. "How did you stay? How did you keep working for them?"

She cracked. "I wasn't working for them, dammit! Millions of lives were at stake – I did what I had to do to save the most people!" She suddenly felt like she was going to be sick. She stumbled over to the railing and leaned over it, taking long, deep breaths.

"Are you okay?" He was right behind her; she couldn't see his hand reach out then stop suddenly inches from her shoulder.

She hung her head. "It was all for nothing. The compromises, the working for a madman, the distrust, the isolation, the suicide run – it was all for nothing. The Reapers are going to kill everyone I saved."

"Shepard – "

She stood up straight and lifted her chin, her face an impenetrable mask. "Unless we get this weapon. Let's go." She walked off and down the stairs, leaving them both staring after her. In another time Kaidan would have chased after her, made her stop, challenged the mask she wore. But it was no longer that time.

The sound of glass shattering got them moving as a wave of Cerberus troops poured through the door down the hall. It should have been a difficult fight, but…it wasn't. They were oddly drone-like – they just kept coming, stepping right into the line of fire if required to move forward to their target. She sighed at the futility and waste of the Illusive Man throwing waves of human lives at her.

On the other side of the Cerberus troops was the control room for the right wing of the facility. Kaidan moved to the security panel and started working. She leaned against the wall and watched him. She had forgotten how good he was at hacking. She had remembered how good he was at biotics, because she was good at biotics too; but she had forgotten how good he was at hacking. She studied his actions at the panel…but for all that she had taught herself aboard the Cerberus Normandy, he lost her after the first five seconds. Figures.

He stopped typing and looked up. "I've got a video of what happened here." The screen came to life and showed a security guard, alerting to a security breach, turning to address the entry of a shockingly thin and curvy female…who promptly shot him between the eyes then shot the camera out.

Shepard glanced over at Liara, whom she found with a stunned look on her face.

"Dr. Eva Coré…she got here about a week ago…I knew something was wrong about her, I knew it!…but I was just so caught up in my work, so focused on a way to fight the Reapers, I didn't do anything…" Liara's head dropped into her hands. "I could have stopped this, if I'd been paying attention…all these people…"

God, they were all falling apart – another unwelcome discovery and they would be curled up in the fetal position in the corner whimpering. And it was just the first day of this war…

Shepard went over to her and squatted down next to the chair, putting a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay. You weren't here to look for spies in your midst – you were here to try to save us all. It wasn't your fault."

She got no reaction from Liara. She glanced over and found Kaidan watching them – and she let the mask drop. He had known her once…he could take her weakness. He had to. She gazed at him with sad, desperate eyes…and he nodded in understanding.

He walked up behind them. "Gotta give Cerberus credit, they are clever. No one ever suspects the scientist – right, Liara?"

Liara laughed through near-tears. "Of course not – I've used that more than once to my advantage." She straightened up and turned back to the panel. "Give me just a second, let me get this door open…there. From here it's just a couple of rooms till the tram."

Shepard smiled. "Excellent."

She motioned towards the door and moved to follow Liara out, but glanced back at Kaidan. Thank you, she mouthed silently. He…almost smiled.

Through the door and around the corner, she walked straight into automatic turret-gun fire. "Shit!" They went diving for cover.

Shepard glanced over at Liara, leaning against a table ten feet away. "Liara, why does the Mars Archives have an automatic gun turret in the ceiling?"

"Um…to keep out thieves? The artifacts in there are priceless…"

Need to tell Kasumi not to try to steal any of them… "Okay then. Low and quick guys…" She timed the gun then dove to a crate around the corner.

A second later Kaidan landed across from her. While they waited for the gun to cycle back away from them, he glanced over at her.

"By the way…I like your hair."

"Thanks." For the first time, she smiled at him. Really, truly smiled, so much her eyes sparkled.

His heart nearly fell through the floor. He swallowed and tried to focus. "But…how do you keep it from getting in your eyes during combat?"

She looked at him like it was the silliest question she had ever heard. "Mass effect fields, of course."

He stared at her a moment, as if trying to puzzle it out, then finally rolled his eyes, chuckling. "Of course." He shook his head then took off for the door.

When she caught up with him a minute later he was standing over a dead Cerberus agent, holding a transmitter in his hand but staring quietly down at the body.

"I thought…if we could listen in on their communications…"

"Oh, for fuck's sake! This is just…great." She spun around and back to the body. "That stupid, arrogant, son of a bitch!" Finally she sighed dramatically and squatted down to get a closer look.

The man's eyes were solid white orbs. Running in rivulets out from them were white-blue streams of Reaper tech, similar to what Husks carried, albeit to a much greater extent.

Liara came in behind them and skidded to a stop, gasping in horror. "Goddess…is he a Husk?"

Kaidan shook his head. "Not quite. We knew the Illusive Man was experimenting with implanting Reaper tech in his agents. Anderson killed what was probably an early prototype a few months ago."

Shepard nodded as she yanked off the helmet to inspect the extent of the…alterations. "He told me." Several thin rivulets ran over the man's scalp, down his neck and into his armor.

She looked over her shoulder at Kaidan. "Did Grayson look like this?"

He nodded. "Worse, but yeah."

She put her hands on her knees and slowly stood. "Okay. This doesn't really change anything. Cerberus still evil, Illusive Man still insane, Reapers still killing everyone. Liara, tell me we're almost there."

"Yes. The tram station is downstairs, it leads directly to the Archives."

Shepard gave one last look to the disfigured man, shook her head, then walked out.

... ... ...

The Archives were a cavernous circular room, filled with columns and alcoves but dominated by a series of structures rising from a central pit. Green beams lined the structures, looking remarkably like miniature Beacons. A ring of control panels encircled the pit.

Shepard stood at the entrance, absorbing the scene before her. Her eyes kept darting to the alcoves and shadowy recesses along the wall.

Kaidan watched her for a moment. "I'll check the perimeter."

She smiled to herself, knowing she had been caught. "Thanks." Then she nodded. "Come on Liara, let's go get the plans for the giant-mega-super-weapon-of-doom that's going to save us all."

She crossed her arms and gazed up at the artifacts while Liara started downloading data. The Protheans did have style…from their Beacons to Ilos to their data storage devices, everything carried a certain elegance. It was –

Off to her right a hologram shimmered into existence.

"Shepard. It seems you were incorrect – it turns out I would be seeing you again after all."

She glared at the Illusive Man, eyes narrowed. "Liara, how do I turn this thing off?"

"I – I'm sorry, I don't know."

"Fine. What do you want?"

"What I've always wanted. The data in these artifacts holds the key to solving the Reaper threat."

"Yes, it does. Which is why I'm taking it. Your monsters failed. What you've done to them is reprehensible, but send them after me again and I'll still kill them."

"Ah, Shepard, you understand so little. They aren't monsters, they've merely been improved – "

"IMPROVED? There really is NO limit to your madness!"

... ... ...

She was so yelling so loudly that Kaidan turned in surprise to look over at her from across the room. She stood in front of a hologram – the notorious Illusive Man, he would presume.

He watched her from afar. She stood proud and defiant – an avenging angel, a righteous warrior that not even death could defeat. She was amazing.

What was he going to do? He was so angry with her, wounded by her – perhaps irreparably. Regardless of her justification, what she had done to him had been devastating, and not easily forgiven.

Yet upon getting within twenty feet of her he had once again been swept up in the maelstrom that was Graceyn Shepard, and it would be so easy to just close his eyes and go along for the ride, never feeling more alive than while it lasted but never knowing when and where it might dump him back into a hard, cold reality. He didn't think he could survive the fall another time…

... ... ...

"That's what separates us, Shepard. Where you see a means to destroy, I see a means to control, to dominate and harness the Reapers' power. Imagine how strong humanity would be if we controlled them."

"Humanity is dying! There will be nothing left – for any of us – if we don't destroy the Reapers."

"Don't interfere with my plans, Shepard. I won't warn you again."

She laughed. "Don't interfere? Yeah, I'll be sure to keep that in mind. Don't interfere with my plans or I swear I will come for you."

Liara looked over suddenly in panic. "Shepard – "

"I don't think so. Goodbye, Shepard." He shimmed out of existence with a smirk.

"Shepard, it's gone. The data, it's…being erased…"

She whirled around. "How? Liara, focus – how is it being erased?"

Liara nodded quickly. "It…it's local. Someone's uploading it from here."

At that moment Kaidan's voice echoed through the cavern. "Step away from the console! NOW!"

Shepard turned and ran – only to see Kaidan fly out of an alcove and land hard against the wall, followed by a blur.

She was to him in a flash, kneeling down –

"I'm okay. Go after her. Go."

She squeezed his hand then ran. She rounded the corner to see – almost certainly Dr. Coré – smash through a door, vault a six-foot high ledge, then accelerate.

She hit her comm. "Heads up guys, she's another Cerberus toy, at least partially synthetic. Be careful." Then she kicked it up a notch and pursued.

She ran outside to see Dr. Coré shimmying up a ladder. "James, get airborne now! Cerberus has the data, we can't let them get away with it!"

Up the ladder, over the walls, dodging the nifty weapon. She just kept running. Damn this woman was fast. No one was this fast.

Suddenly they were on an open platform. A Cerberus shuttle swooped in, the door opening just as Dr. Coré reached it. She skidded to a stop and yanked out her gun, firing in vain at the shuttle.

"Dammit – James – Normandy – anybody!"

James came over the comm. "Don't worry, I've got this one!"

What? She couldn't see anything, the duststorm was blinding. Just as Kaidan and Liara arrived beside her, there was a loud boom, and the Cerberus shuttle – and the Normandy shuttle – careened towards the platform.

They dove out of the way as the Cerberus shuttle crashed onto the platform and exploded into flames. The Normandy shuttle teetered dangerously but then pulled up and slowed before coming around and landing.

She stood up and climbed over the wreckage to the shuttle door as Vega exited, grinning like a Cheshire cat. "The Normandy's en route –"

"James, are you insane? You could have been killed!"

He stopped and looked around. "I…wasn't…and it stopped them, didn't it?"

She groaned. "Ugh…I don't know whether to hug you or punch you."

His eyes widened. "A hug would be – "

Liara screamed.

Time slowed to a crawl. It barely moved at all.

She turned her head… saw a humanoid form emerging from the flames of the Cerberus shuttle…Kaidan shoved Liara behind him and raised his gun…she tried to move to them, but she had to climb back over the wreckage…the thing ignored the bullets and stormed Kaidan…it was on him before she could blink…she climbed faster, so slow…the thing grabbed him by the neck and picked him up like he weighed nothing…she reached the other side and began raising her gun…the thing turned and slammed his head into the side of the shuttle…once…twice… three…she aimed and shot it through the neck joint…sparks exploded out of it and it fell to the ground. Kaidan fell beside it like a ragdoll. And her world crashed down around her.

Time zoomed forward with dizzying speed.

She sprinted then collapsed next to him. "Kaidan…Kaidan, talk to me. Come on. Please." But there was nothing.

Somewhere in the back of her mind Joker shouted at her, but she didn't understand the words. "Commander, we've got Reaper signatures in orbit, we gotta go!"

She was vaguely aware of Normandy's shadow passing overhead. "Kaidan…" She frantically ripped off his glove to feel for a pulse. Couldn't find it. Oh god. Couldn't – there. Barely. She dropped her forehead to his chest.

"Please…"

Liara's hand was on her shoulder. "Shepard, we have to go!"

She looked up at Liara in surprise. "What?"

"We have to go. The Reapers are here."

"Right…of course…Reapers…" Her voice sounded hollow, distant, echo-y. She stared strangely at the charred body on the ground. "Get that thing."

She turned back and gently positioned Kaidan over her shoulders, lifting him in a fireman's carry. His head dropped lifelessly to rest on her shoulder. She choked back a sob. "Don't worry…I've got you, my love…"

One foot in front of the other. Up the ramp. Just like last time. Through the cargo bay. Into the elevator. Up. Out the elevator. Down the hall. Where had all the light gone? Through the Med Lab doors. There.

She gently laid him down on a cot. She unlatched his helmet – god it was crushed in several places – lifted it off – then gasped and stumbled backwards. The helmet fell to the floor and rolled away.

His face was a mask of heavy, dark bruises; one eye was already hugely swollen. Blood flowed down from his scalp in several places. She couldn't breathe.

She stared unblinking at him, everything else in her vision fading to grey.

Liara hurried in behind her, froze for a moment at the sight, then was a flurry of action.

"Where's the medi-gel?"

"I…don't…know…" she whispered.

EDI answered. "The third cabinet, second shelf."

"IV?"

"The same cabinet, third shelf."

A second later Liara was by his side across from her, ripping open a medi-gel pack and pressing it against the source of the blood. She grabbed his arm and started trying to remove his armor, but it wouldn't budge.

"Shepard…Shepard, I need your help."

She blinked and looked up, eyes wide, pupils dilated.

"Shepard, focus. I need you to help me get his armor off so I can get an IV in him. Okay?"

She looked back down at Kaidan.

he was so broken…had she broken him?…she hadn't meant to…she had meant to protect him…

"Do you want him to live, Graceyn?" Her father asked.

More than anything in the world, Dad.

"Then you need to help him."

She blinked and turned to Liara. "Right." She reached over and lifted his arm up. She didn't see Liara close her eyes and exhale in relief. "The latch is underneath…got it. Okay, it expands and you can pull it off – there." She grabbed the cloth of his undershirt and ripped it open. Liara immediately moved in and ran an IV.

Shepard stared hard at Liara. "What else can we do?" She was white as a ghost, and an undercurrent of barely-controlled panic seemed to ripple through her, but at least her pupils were focused again and meeting Liara's eyes.

"Um, check his head for any more places that need medigel – cuts, lumps, swelling." But Liara was already doing it, and quickly positioned a medi-gel pack under the back of his head.

"Okay, we need to remove his amp – it may have short-circuited."

She gently turned his head to the side – and froze when she saw there was blood pooling on the medi-gel pack Liara had just placed.

Help him.

She took a deep breath then leaned down and popped the amp out before carefully rolling him back over.

"What else?"

Liara shook her head slowly. "There's nothing more we can do but get him to a medical facility."

"Joker, get us to the Citadel NOW."

"Already on the way, Commander."

Liara cleared her throat. "We, um, let him know as soon as we were on board…"

She tried to smile, but it required more than she had. "Thank you."

EDI came over the speaker. "I'm sorry to interrupt, Commander…but I am receiving a signal over the secondary QEC, I believe it is Admiral Hackett."

She went over and got the desk chair, pulled it beside the cot, sat down and grasped his hand in hers. She reached up and placed her other hand softly on his cheek, a quiet breath escaping her lips as her fingers made contact. It was all wrong – his cheek should taper down to his jaw there, not be all puffed up like that…

Her voice was soft, mono-toned; she didn't turn around. "Go talk to him, Liara. Tell him I'm not available. Tell him what we have, and where we're going. Tell him I'll let him know once I've met with the Council."

"Okay, Shepard. I'll…I'll take care of it." She watched them for another moment, Shepard already oblivious to her presence. He had to be okay, because Shepard had to be okay. They needed her. She needed her. She smiled sadly then turned and left.

Shepard oh-so-gently trailed her fingers down from his temple to his jaw.

"How long until we reach the Citadel, EDI?"

"Approximately 2.3 hours."

"Thank you, EDI. Make sure a medical team is alerted and waiting for us at the docking bay."

"Of course, Commander."

She brought her hand down from his face to join her other hand, enclosing his completely within hers. She dropped her forehead to their clasped hands and closed her eyes, her mind consumed with a single thought – a single word.

A mantra. A prayer. A plea.

Live.