46: Letting it All Hang Out

Wednesday

4:35 PM

Sekai

"Has school been hard on you?"

Cringing, I let the tea cup slip off my finger. Droplets stain the tablecloth. I'd hoped the aroma would calm me down.

"No," Defensive, I cross my arms, "I'm a good student."

Understanding the implication, he sighs and hunches in his seat. "Are your friends doing well?"

"You don't know—" I bite my lip, forcing myself to let the robotic conversation continue, "they're fine. A lot of crap happens at high school, so I'm lucky to have them."

I glance at him to see he's brightened up slightly. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

I can't lie to him without drawing suspicion. Maybe if I answer his questions right away, he'll eventually give up. "Yes,"

"Is he handsome,"

"Cute," I admit casually, "he loves me."

"I'm glad," he finishes his black coffee, pushes it to the center of the table, and wipes the liquid from his lips. "Listen… I know this is awkward, but I just wanna say—"

"Don't," I cut him off, eyes narrowed. "You're wasting your breath."

"I…" He looks out the window, half-defeated. "I don't blame you. I deserve to be treated this way."

"Then, why did you come back?" I snap. "You know I won't forgive you."

Hurt, he nonetheless keeps his present demeanor, "It didn't feel right to leave things like they were. I had to apologize, even if you didn't want to hear it."

"Don't you realize how selfish that is?"

"I thought maybe we could turn things around, maybe…" his fingers bend into his palms but only for a moment. The tension leaves just as quickly. He clasps his hands together and steps away from me.

"I'm sorry for everything," he looks me in the eye, "now, just say the word, and I'll go."

"Then, go," I whisper, holding back tears. Acknowledging my request, he heads for the door.

It's then my apathy starts to slip away.

If… If I let him leave, he'll never come back. At the very least… I need to know where he's coming from.

"Dad,"

My use of the word, however bitter, stops him. "Sekai?"

"I…" I hang my head. "I won't force you to leave. But if you're going to stay,"

I glare at him. "I want you to tell me everything,"

Stunned by my change of heart, he's still able to nod his head. He makes his way back to his seat and takes a deep breath.

Wednesday

4:40 PM

Shun

"I know it's hard to believe, but… I used to care."

Nervous at sharing such personal information, I wrap my arms around my chest. "I met her straight out of college. I was on my way to a job interview, and I was nervous as hell. Well, your Mom was standing beside me, upbeat and poised, so I figured I'd mooch off her confidence. After gracefully introducing myself, I segued into the most one-sided conversation I've ever been a part of it. I vented for twenty minutes about how hard I worked to graduate, and how scared I was that I'd never get a job because of how much I hated talking to people."

Her eyebrow's up. I chuckle.

"Pretty ironic, huh?" I lean forward. "I imagine most people would've tuned me out at that point. After all, it looked like the only reason I was talking to her was to let off some steam. She had no obligation to listen to anything I had to say, but… She did. She watched my gums flap, concentrating on my words without ever seeming forced or awkward. I didn't notice these things at the time, but thinking back… That's exactly how it was. And you know what she said when I was finally done rambling?"

She stays still. Coughing back a sigh, I say, "She told me, 'I may not look it, but I was just as nervous going in for my first job. But the funny thing is, you have no reason to be. An honest guy like you is exactly who I'd want for a job.'"

I shake my head. "I started crying. I know, real manly, right? But she told me exactly what I needed to hear. And when I got to the interview, I did awesome. Sawagoe-san hired me on the spot. The next day, tears in my eyes, I thanked her for everything. When I finished, she winked flirtatiously and said—"

"You can thank me by treating me to dinner."

My face red, I failed to hide the giddy smile on my face. "You really want to?"

"What do you think, Mister?" She grins, an odd combination with her earnest eyes. Ecstatic, I ask her what time she wants to meet.

"8:00 at Kuu's Place," she says, "be there or be square."

She giggles, "Man, I'm cheesy."

I want to tell her it's charming. But I'm sure that would be too forward.

"So, she was always that embarrassing?"

"Mmhm," I close my eyes, "I think it was her way of making me drop my guard around her. I felt I could talk to her about anything."

Drifting off, I fidget in my seat. "At first, anyway,"

Sekai nods her head, ushering me on.

"My first day on the job was hell. I had piles upon piles of paperwork. I shouldn't have been surprised. For him to be as rich as he was, Sawagoe-san would have to have a lot of connections. I had to learn a lot of names I'd never heard before very quickly, and I made a lot of mistakes. When he had to repeat a particular name to me three times straight, Sawagoe-san nearly fired me."

I frown. "That's when he noticed something."

"What?"

Sighing, I dig my fingers into my knees. "A man with Sawagoe's position attracted a lot of gold diggers. And he loved that kind of attention. He'd lavish them with expensive jewels and perfumes so he could get in their pants. Once he got bored, he'd dump them, but that didn't stop some people."

I bite my lip as I remember the turn of events. "He noticed one of these attractive ladies coming to my defense."

"Sawagoe-sama!"

Flummoxed, Sawagoe readjusts his glasses and put on his winning smile. "I don't think we've met, young lady. What's your name?" ``

"I'm sorry if I interrupted anything," she batted her eyelashes, "my name is Yumi Katsuragi. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"No need to apologize," he glares at me. "I was just reprimanding one of my employees."

I gulp.

"What did he do?" She asks curiously.

"Well…" He starts, unsure of the reason for her interest, "he's been fumbling the name of my business contacts all morning. Just now, I had to tell him the name 'Matsuda Industries' three times."

So that's what it was… Dammit!

"How long has he been working here?"

"It's his first day," he groans, "I guess I shouldn't be so hard on him, but I expect a lot out of my employees. It's why I've grown as profitable as I am now."

"You certainly choose attractive employees," she giggles, pulling on my tie. I flinch. "I'm sure if you put his face on the billboards, you'd get a lot of positive attention."

"Really?" He raises an eyebrow and mutters, "Then again, I was comparing him to a paragon of beauty such as myself…"

He pats my shoulder. "I'm sorry for being so tough on you earlier."

"You-you were justified, sir," I reply, still unnerved at how intent Katsuragi's gaze is. "But I remember it now. 'Matsuda Industries', right?"

"Excellent!" Sawagoe claps his hands together. "Keep learning at that pace, and you'll be my most valued employee."

After a chuckle, he takes the woman's hand. "It was awfully brave of you to walk up to someone like me all by yourself."

"Not really," she grins, "any girl would want to be near a sexy beast like you."

"Miss Katsuragi, we barely know each other," he chuckles glibly.

"Then, why don't we start over dinner?"

She plants a kiss on his nose. Laughing, he bows. "That sounds lovely,"

He exits through a side door. I can't help scoffing at how shallow she is.

"Oh, don't be like that," she winks, "I'm sure girls will be treating you the same way soon."

"Only if he actually puts me on a billboard," I simper, returning to my work. With that, she decides to leave.

"That's it?" Sekai snaps. "That's all it took to make you break her heart?"

"God, no," my eyes fly wide open, "I didn't come away from that unscathed, but I wouldn't have done something like that."

I try to regain my train of thought. "When we met for dinner, I tried to bring up the subject as casually as possible."

"So," I scan the menu to avoid looking her in the eye. "My boss is a rake."

"Oh, yeah?" She giggles.

"Yeah," I smile, "he was about to tear into me for messing up the name of one of his business partners, but when a fetching young lady sauntered into the lobby, he switched gears on the spot."

"How stereotypical," she says mischievously, "so, how fetching was this young lady?"

"Nowhere near as attractive as you." I say, far too fast.

"W-wow," she says, "you sound super sure on that point."

"Because I am!" I respond, face red. Before long, she starts laughing again. "I mean it. That girl was cozying up to me, saying that I'd get a lot of attention, and I don't want that!"

"Oh, that's what frazzled you," she takes a deep breath to stop herself from carrying on. "She was just saying that to ruffle your feathers. I bet your boss told her you were new, so she wants to look savvy by teasing you."

"Th-that makes sense…" I groan, desperate to change the subject. "I forgot to ask this morning. How did your interview go?"

"I did well," she stares distantly out the window, "but the guy mentioned they were considering a lot of people for that position. I'm worried I won't get it…"

"Hey, I may not know you that well, but I can tell you're smart."

"Good instincts," she winks, "I'm academic to say the least."

"And even if this one doesn't pan out, I'm sure you'll get another one. The job market isn't that bad. And hey,"

I point to myself. "This blockhead was able to get a job, right?"

"Stop it," she grabs my hand, "you're perfect just the way you are."

"Why…?"

Sekai interrupts me.

"What is it?"

"The more you talk about my mom, the more I ask myself how you could leave her alone…" She takes a sudden breath, "do you know how hard it was for her to raise me on my own when she had to go from odd job to odd job just to make ends meet?"

"I…" I don't want to defend myself. "You're right. Still, I owe you an explanation. Can I finish?"

She doesn't say anything. Taking that as a cue, I press on.

"In any case, dinner went well that night. When I was with your Mom, I was able to forget about everything that had been bothering me. The next day, work continued. I was starting to get the hang of things. I figured, maybe I can put all that happened before behind me. And then he showed up."

He looks like an intern. With short, well-trimmed dark hair, he's likely an upstanding student.

But when he notices me, he sports a cheeky grin. Eager to take my mind elsewhere, I resume my work.

"Hey," he walks up to my desk, "are you the guy Yumi was flirting with? I'm so jealous!"

"Sh-she wasn't flirting," I retort, distracted, "she's just teasing me because I'm new."

"Don't be so modest," he chuckles, "I heard her say you'd attract some promising 'talent', if you catch my drift."

"Tramp," I snort, "did you have anything important to say?"

"'Tramp'?" He crosses his arms. "Well, you're no fun."

"I have a girlfriend," I explain as simply as I can, "and even if I didn't, I wouldn't value the company of someone so shallow."

"Wow…" he claps my shoulder. "We're like polar opposites. If someone's offering sex, then I'm there."

"Do you have to be so shameless about it?"

"The boss doesn't mind," he smirks, "and besides, if you weren't already attached, I bet you'd be just like me."

"Inou-san."

"Coming, Sawagoe-san! See you later, buddy."

He leaves as quickly as he appeared. Hands on both sides of my head, I try to block his thoughts out of my head.

"Which wasn't hard, because I had a boatload of work left to finish," my attempt at levity completely misses the mark. "In any case, this went on for weeks. I'd get better and better at my job, but I was constantly thrown off by the women loitering by my desk. I don't know if Sawagoe-san was right or if he was benefiting somehow, but it really started to worry me. Luckily, your Mom was always there for me. Even though she'd been having trouble finding the job she wanted, she kept her composure for my sake. If she hadn't been around, I would've broke."

My arms go limp at my sides. "But it wasn't enough. After my first month was over… I lost it. The night before my thirty-first day, Sawagoe-san gave me a lot of money. I wanted to tell Youko right away, but I knew she'd be asleep. When I talked to her on the train, she was excited, but I felt like her mind was somewhere else. I had to keep myself from getting angry. I thought maybe she was jealous of my good fortune."

"Bastard," Sekai frowns.

"When I came in, it was even stranger. Sawagoe lead me into his conference room, and the whole room was decked out like a party. People were dancing all over the floors, including a lot of the women I'd seen before."

"But… What's all—?"

"A celebration of your successful first month at the company," Sawagoe laughs, "you're one the first secretary who's put up with my crap for so long. So, I figured I'd give you something in return."

"But—"

"No need to thank me," he put a finger on my lips, "now… Have fun!"

He resumes dancing with the others in the crowd. Unsure of what to do, I feel two women wrap their arms around mine.

"Oh, wow," one says, "I didn't know he was so built,"

"Would you like to head to one of the office spaces?" The other whispers in my ear. "I'd like to see what's under that suit of yours."

Hot under the collar, I try to escape.

"Wow!" Inou pumps his fist. "Threesome, threesome!"

Another girl joins the fray.

"Or foursome…" He groans.

"But… I'm dating Youko," I clench my fists. "It wouldn't be right."

"She doesn't have to know, does she?" He shrugs. "Besides, if you don't want 'em, I'd be happy to take 'em off your hands."

Intensely uncomfortable, I look at the women beside me. One is rubbing her breasts against my stomach. I'd swear I'm in a fantasy, but I know it's real.

It's… It's only one day, right? I'll make the most of it…

Overcome, I wrap them in my arms. Kissing their necks, they lead me into the office space.

"Wow… This is… Amazing…"

Sekai's face is buried in her hands. But if I stop now, I'll never finish.

I meet up with Youko that night. I tell her how happy my boss was, and she's extremely proud of me. If she's still feeling like she did this morning, she's done a good job of hiding it.

Over dinner, I start to see Youko in a different light than I did before. She has a beautiful figure; one I'm shocked I'd never noticed before.

It compels me to ask something I never would've just one day before.

"You… You know,"

I put my hand on top of hers. "I have plenty of money right now. If you'd like, I could rent, um… a motel… maybe we could—"

"Oh my gosh," she slips her hand out from under mine and slaps it against the other excitedly. "I didn't know you were so bold! Of course I'd love to."

"R-really?" I blush. "I mean, great!"

I remember that night better than any other. And just like before, being with Youko made me forget anything.

But in the middle of the night, I wake up from a cold sweat.

My heart is racing. I clench my forehead, trying to remember why.

That's right… I lost it before this…

I'd gone behind her back. Even after everything she'd done for me, I cheated on her. I started crying.

"Shun?" She sits up from her side of the bed. "What's wrong?"

"I…" I need to tell her the truth. I need to let her know everything so that I can make things right with her.

But I'm scared. Scared of losing her.

I'm too selfish to let that happen.

"Don't deserve this—"

"Shh," Her index finger rests on my lips, "don't ever say that. You've worked hard at your job, and it's paying dividends. What else do you need to do?"

"But… You—"

"I'll work something out, okay? Even if I never get my dream job, there's always something else I can do."

She kisses my cheek. "Get some rest. I'm sure Sawagoe-san has another busy day for you tomorrow."

The guilt isn't gone. But it's easier to bury it in the recesses of my mind.

The next day, the routine goes back to normal. After yesterday's party, I'm finding it hard to get back in the swing of things. During my lunch break, one of the girls from before finds me.

"You look stressed, Shun."

My heart skips a beat. Why does she have to be here? "If you're looking for Sawagoe, he's down the hall to the right."

"I'm not here for him today," she sits in my lap. "I'm here for you."

"Please…" I put my head in my hand. "I shouldn't have done it the first time. Don't make me go back…"

"But it was so fun,"

She places my hand on her breasts. "And wasn't I… 'amazing'?"

Flashbacks run through my head. I want to resist, but I can't bring myself to reinforce my resolve.

"Okay…" I sigh.

This continues, day after day after day. After a couple months, I receive a surprise phone call from Youko.

"Shun, there's something I need to tell you."

"Sure, honey," I've smothered everything. I don't even need to distance myself. "Go ahead,"

"Well… I'm pregnant."

I drop the phone. That's the last thing I wanted to hear.

Desperate not to worry her, I bring the phone back up.

"That's great, honey! Haha, maybe I was a bit impulsive—"

"I don't mind. I thought it'd be nice to have a baby. I'd really like a little girl—"

"Yeah, that'd be awesome." I nod hurriedly. "Look, I've got work to do, but I'll talk to you tonight, okay?"

"But—"

I hang up. I probably made her suspicious, but I don't care at this point.

I can't… I can't take care of a baby. I left that behind… Why didn't I use a condom?

It hits me just how different I was our first night. How innocent and unassuming I was.

She doesn't deserve a Father like me anyways…

I need to call her. But for now, I want to forget. I have sex over my break again.

That evening—

"You have NO idea how much time I've spent thinking about the baby's name! I haven't come up with a good boy's name yet, but if it's a girl, I'd really wanna name her 'Sekai'."

"Sounds a bit dramatic, don't you think?"

"Maybe, but when that name comes to mind, I think of how serene and peaceful the Earth is at it revolves around the moon, travelling to various parts of the cosmos."

"You haven't rambled this much since we started dating,"

"Oh, shut up, I can ramble when I want to."

She notices silence on my end.

"Shun… Something's wrong. Tell me what's wrong."

"I'll send you as much money as you like, but—"

"Shun. Tell me what's wrong."

Ice-cold. She knows what's coming. How dumb did I think she was?

"Your daughter deserves better than someone who's been cheating on you since the beginning."

I hear a breath. Maybe two.

Then, she starts.

"I hate you."

The guilt I'd smothered so well comes washing over me. All this time, I'd been living a meaningless life. I'm going to lose the woman I love because of my stupid mistakes.

I have to reconcile. I have to.

"Youko, I'm so sorry, I'll do—"

"From the very beginning? Why did you lead me on like that, I trusted you!"

"It didn't start out that way, it's jus—"

"I should've known you were playing. Why couldn't you have let me down before? Now, Sekai can't have a father, and it's all because of you!"

I freeze. Tears run down my cheeks.

I have to give up. There's no point in going on.

"I'll pay you everything I can."

"I don't want your fucking money. I can handle myself."

She hangs up. I'm heartbroken.

The next several months blurred together. I stop having sex with anyone. Sawagoe tries to cheer me up, but it never works.

A sympathetic doctor helps me keep tabs on Sekai. She's healthy, and so is her mother.

I'm glad. I just wish I could be there for her birth.

I'm in the waiting room when it happens, but I don't go in. Youko wouldn't want me to.

I go back to my job for a while. But as I remember what I lost, the numbness starts to fade. All the anger at myself for what I'd done starts to crop up in me. I lash out at whoever's nearby.

My body realizes how long it's been since I've had sex. When I see a waitress come by, I flip up her skirt.

Her butt's nice. I barely remember that thought. She slaps me across the face.

Sawagoe cusses me out. He says there's no excuse for me to have crossed that line.

He fires me.

Did I just want an excuse to leave? Or am I just that sick?

Is there anything that's worth doing anymore?

I might be able to find a new job. Sawagoe kept what happened quiet.

But there's no point. I don't deserve it.

Maybe… There's a way to start over…

"I was overly optimistic." I stare at the floor. "There is no way to start over. I'll have to live with my mistakes for the rest of my life."

I glance at her figure. Her cries are smothered by the hands on her face.

"I just know that I needed to apologize for never being there. And I wanted to let you know I plan to change, no matter how you respond."

I stand up. She hasn't moved. There's no point in staying any longer. I head for the door.

"Wait,"

I turn around.

"I'm not saying I'll call you… But if I do, I want you to answer. Even if I just yell at you, I want you to listen. I'll never forgive you, but… I wouldn't mind it if you'd change."

She borrows a sheet of notepad paper from her friend and puts a pen beside it. "Write down your number."

I wanna cry. But if I do, she'd accuse me of feeling sorry for myself.

I'm not a victim. This is all my fault.

I write down the number and leave.